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These Blind Dates Went From Awkward To Horrific In An Instant

Penelope Singh

Nobody likes blind dates. They’re uncomfortable for everyone involved, and we never know quite what we’re going to get. Sometimes, we get a happy surprise. But other times, the date turns into an absolute horror story. These Redditors took the plunge with a bad blind date, and they’re sharing the awful outcomes here.


1. Twist Ending

I once went on a blind date with this girl. We started with a movie, and everything went okay throughout. The real disaster actually only happened as we left the theater. After the movie finished, as we were pulling out of the parking lot, she saw her father leaving the same movie…with a woman who definitely wasn’t her mother.

dottmatrix

Blind datesUnsplash

2. Stay Hydrated

It was my freshman year of college. He took me to Wendy’s for a date because neither of us had a lot of money. He had one of those monotone voices, and could drone on and on and on about nothing. He was telling one such story when I swallowed my water the wrong way and started coughing. This was still a date, so at first, I tried to politely expel the water, but to no avail.

As he continued to talk, I started hacking all over the table. Tears were streaming down my face, water was dribbling down my chin, and I was pounding my own back at a futile attempt to get the devil water out of my system. He kept talking. Trying to hold the water in at first was a bad idea. I could not stop coughing. But then it got so much worse.

I bent down under the table, hoping the angle would make it easier to cough up the liquid. Everybody in the whole restaurant was staring at me in silence. Except for my date, of course. He was still telling his story. I finally finished hacking up my lungs and tried to listen to the rest of his story. I had no idea what he was talking about.

He continued with his anecdote, unfazed by my wet, red face and smeared make-up. When he finally finished, I apologized for my coughing fit and explained that I had swallowed my water the wrong way. To which he replied, “Oh, I was wondering what was wrong with you.” Thanks, my dude. We did not have a second date.

TheKenluckian

3. True Blind Date

I once had my blind date walk into the restaurant wearing a niqab. She was not Muslim—and her reason for wearing one made me want to flee. See, she wanted us to have a conversation without me knowing what she looked like. Kind of a “what the heck” moment out of a TV show…but I saw her point. I ended up disliking her based on her personality.

symphonic45

4. For Your Eyes Only

I went on a date with this guy who seemed really sweet. We went out to a really classy dinner. The food was great, the atmosphere was fantastic…but at the end of the main course, he whipped out his phone and started showing me pictures he’d taken of his private area. Like…different angles, lighting, dynamic effects.

I rode with him to the restaurant, so I had to sit next to him on the ride home and fight the urge to fling the door open and tuck ‘n roll.

TorchIt

5. The Talking Cure

I had recently started dating this guy, and we were on our way to Circuit City to browse around for a few things he needed for his computer. While in the car on the way there, an annoying techno song came on and I commented on how I couldn’t stand how often they played it on the radio. He turned it up a bit, telling me that he liked the song.

I laughed and jokingly said, “OK, well I’m not talking to you until this song finishes!” I smiled at him and looked away, just enjoying the car ride. This turned out to be a huge mistake. We park the car and I immediately sense that something is wrong. He’s walking a few paces in front of me, clearly trying to avoid walking side-by-side.

I let it go and run to catch up to him. I take his arm and kiss him on the cheek and proceed to walk to the store with him. Again, he seems distant. I ask him what’s wrong and he tells me he’s fine. I let it go and decide to enjoy the shopping we were there to do. We’re browsing through the store, and suddenly I realize that he’s nowhere to be seen.

It’s around 7:00 PM at the time and the store was pretty crowded. I figure he must have wandered to another aisle and I do the same. 15 minutes later, there is still no sight of him. AT ALL. I’m walking through the store searching for him, and nothing. It’s now 8 PM. I call his cell phone and it rings out. I walk out to the car, and it’s empty. There are about six other stores in the complex and I wasn’t about to walk to each one searching for him.

It’s now 8:45 and I’m getting scared. The store closes at 9, so there aren’t that many people there. Finally, the store is closing and I walk out to the nearly empty parking lot. Well, there he is, sitting in the car. I run over with tears in my eyes, asking what happened. He looks at me calmly and says, “Now you know how it feels when the lines of communication have been cut.”

CharlieBear26

6. Stranger Than Fiction

I went out with a really gorgeous girl who I didn’t know was bipolar and off her meds. She wanted to drive, so we took her car. We went to dinner, which was fine, and then a movie, where she got more and more agitated and then excused herself. I thought she was going to a bathroom, then said out loud, “No, she’s bugging out,” and walked out and found her in the parking lot searching for her car.

She screamed at me that I’d been making fun of her, the people in the theater had been making fun of her, and the people in the movie had been making fun of her. I got her calmed down and got her home, and on the way found out that she was bipolar, she had stopped taking her meds, she was into self-harm, and the car was stolen.

She kept calling after that asking when we were going to go out again. Nope, nope, nope.

WalkenInMemphis

7. Nerve-Wracking

I went on a date with a guy who I met on the Internet. We decided to go get a coffee, take a walk around town, and if that all went well, we agreed we’d go see a movie. We met up and went to the coffee shop, where he slowly began to turn bright red and start sweating profusely. He played it off and said, “let’s go for that walk.” It was winter in Chicago, and somewhere around 15 or 20 degrees out, but I was game.

Obviously, the dude was nervous and I was hoping the walk would calm him down. Throughout the walk, he fluctuated between somewhat comfortable to being uncomfortable looking, but none of it was enough for me to take much notice. Nerves calm, right? After our walk, we agreed that we’d go to the movie. It would give him a chance to sit and relax, and we wouldn’t have to talk.

We were standing in line and he looked at me and said, “I can’t do this… I can’t do this, I’m sorry,” and ran away. Literally hauled his butt away from me. Later, I got an email from him saying I was prettier in person than he’d imagined, and so nice, that he just freaked out and couldn’t deal. It didn’t make me feel any better at all.

monkeytoes77

8. Forever Goth

I was set up on my first blind date by a friend who swore up and down that this guy was perfect for me. I asked her if he knew that I am basically a very geeky goth, and she said he had a thing for goth girls. We get to the restaurant and have a decent appetizer, talking about generic things like school, movies, and books and the server came by and took our orders. Then everything went haywire.

When she left, he clapped his hands together and said “Well, I guess we should get this out of the way. If we’re going to date, there are a few things you need to do:” He then gave me a laundry list of “tasks”: Lose weight, dye my hair brown, get a tan, dress in the clothes he picked out for me, remove all my piercings, remove my tattoos, don’t play video games.

I remember hearing all of what he was saying and just thinking “This is a joke. A TV host will jump out and tell me I’m on a joke show.” That never happened. People near us overheard this and began craning their necks, trying to look at me and see what was so “awful.” He ticked off all the things I needed to change and then sat back, smiled, and asked when I would be able to get started.

The server came back with our meals, and I have a lovely plate of pasta in front of me. I don’t know what got in my head, but I picked up my plate and dumped it into his lap. I left the restaurant, walked down the block, went into a convenience store, and called a different friend to pick me up, and told them the whole story. I cried a little and basically felt absolutely hideous. The person who set me up on the date was horrified, said she had no idea he’d do something so awful.

That was my first, and LAST blind date. It’s been a while since that awful day and I can proudly state that I am still as goth as I was then. And no one keeps me away from my SNES.

thenighbattles

9. This Was A Test, And You Failed

My blind date gave me an IQ test on the spot. When he found out that I had a “good score,” he said he won’t be able to date me because I’m too smart for him and I will end up making his life miserable. It’s safe to say that I was very happy to see the back of him by the end of the night, probably happier than him to be leaving me.

manufacgated

10. Second Impression

After our date, he gave me a verbal report card in the car. One of my negatives was that “I took too small of bites.” Apparently, my good table manners made him nervous? But one of my positives was that it seemed like I liked to be in the kitchen? About two hours after the date, he called me to tell me that he had looked through my entire Facebook and read all of my blog.

He had decided that I was cooler than he’d thought on our date, so he called the girl he had plans with the next night and dumped her to hang out with me more. Needless to say, there was no second date.

sheriff2010

11. Like Mother, Like Daughter

I went on a date with a girl, and during the date, she showed me pictures of her breasts…and then her mom’s chest too, for good measure. She then asked me which was nicer. I’m still not sure what she’s doing with pictures of her mom’s goods in her purse or why she cares what a date thinks of them…I did not go on a second date to find out!

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Blind datesPexels

12. Magic Man

I met him on OkCupid after a serious breakup, and we talked for like two weeks. Seemed completely normal. He was a cello player and pretty smart from what I could tell. We decided to meet at a Starbucks and the conversation was good until he started doing an impression of the Joker. I’m already freaked out at this point and ready to leave.

Then he asked me why I hadn’t drank my coffee yet, and I said it was still hot. That’s when he told me that he was getting into the elements, and slowly has developed the ability to control fire. He apologized about the coffee, because he was in control of the heat and fire around us. I was intrigued at how ridiculous this was and let him continue.

He told me that he first learned of this when he was in his car and the car windows steamed up. I was trying so hard not to laugh. I politely said well this was fun, but I need to get to work.

RDJLover2012

13. Most Unladylike

I went on a blind date. The girl had an okay profile, of course single, no kids, seemed intelligent enough to not type like a four-year-old. I dressed nicely, and picked her up promptly at 7. She seemed nice enough, and I took her to see a movie. The actual movie was not important. It was what she did during the movie.

Throughout the entire film, she talked in almost a shouting volume, put her feet up on someone else’s chair, and threw popcorn into the audience. I was mortified to be associated with a girl who was so obnoxious, so I figured I would take her to eat, then cut my losses. I took her to Cheddars, where she could at least talk.

When we finally got a semi-decent conversation going, it went off the rails again. The server came out with a tray of drinks. She grabbed hers, then said that they brought her Coke and not Pepsi. When the server returned, she dumped the whole glass of soda on him, and demanded a refund for the meal that I was paying for! I was disgusted at this point.

Finally, I took her outside after dinner to explain that she was a nice enough girl, but I didn’t think the experience deserved a second date. She went insane, throwing rocks, trying to take my keys, etc. I never saw her again, and I don’t want to repeat the experience.

Dingleberreh

14. Take Me Home Tonight

I have horrible self-esteem and date losers. One day, I went on a date with some Internet dude and he wanted me to stay over. Fine, but no way was I putting out with this one on the first date. He says “Why don’t you come with me to the bathroom and make out while I touch myself?” I was appalled. This has become a go-to line with my friends.

Paddington_Fear

15. A Rollercoaster Of Emotions

A few years back, I was just getting out of a long relationship. My boss’s sister decided to set me up with one of her co-workers. Let’s call her Susan. So she gives me Susan’s number, and I decided to give her a ring. She sounds all right on the phone and is very open and flirtatious. I ask her if she wants to go and get some coffee, to which she says yes.

We agree to meet at her parents’ house in a couple of days and then head out to get coffee from there. In the two days between making our plans and the actual date, she starts sending me affectionate text messages that always address me as, “sweetie” or “honey.” I figure that if anything, she is just a really affectionate person and try not to read too far into it. Eventually, the time of our meeting arrives and I go to pick her up.

She is a knock out! Blonde with a full tan, and nice figure. I am kind of a schlub, and so I can’t believe my luck. As we are getting ready to go, she says that she would rather take her car since it would make her feel more comfortable. Being a good guy, I can see her reasoning and acquiesce. This would later come back to haunt me.

So we start driving when she informs me, “I’m not really in the mood for coffee. Let’s get some drinks!” Now, I am not a drinker. However, at this point, I am going along for the ride and agree. 15 minutes later finds us in a brewery sports bar. I decide to stick to soda, while Susan decides to take things slow by ordering straight shots to get things started.

Pretty soon, though, we are hitting it off really well. I tell her about growing up with an illness, and she relates how she got over ovarian cancer. We find out that we share some common interests in movie tastes and hobbies. Things are going fine until she has her third drink… “Oh, GOD!” she hisses while ducking down. “What?” I ask, confused.

“You see that guy over there? In the booth with that girl in the blue dress?” I see the one she means. “Well,” she continues, “I sorta used to sleep with him.” I am taken aback by her blunt honesty. She then goes on to explain how she lets people use her as a means to cover for insecurities. Next thing you know, she is opening up to me like I am Oprah.

All about how she likes to cut herself and how she has attempted to take her own life in the past. Then she is reaching across the bar to take my hands. She looks in my eyes and says, “You know, I feel a real connection to you…” Then her phone goes off. She checks it and informs me that it is a text from her ex-boyfriend. He is in the Marines and is shipping out the next day.

Apparently, he is coming over to meet up with us so she can say goodbye. By this time, I have realized that I don’t want to be anywhere near here. I also realize that we took her car, and she is now many drinks in. And to make it even worse, we are in a neighborhood that I have little knowledge off… I’m trapped. Pretty soon, the ex-boyfriend shows up.

Big beefcake guy in his uniform. She starts to flirt heavily with him and ignore me. She is on her sixth or seventh drink. It soon becomes known that the ex-boyfriend is also in the business of recruitment. “You ever think of signing up?” he asks me as he takes in my nerdy frame. “Nope,” I answer, “I’ve got medical dispensation.” “Oh yeah?” he asks, “What’ve you got?”

Susan starts to answer for me, “Oooh, he’s got cystic fib…” I cut her off, “I’m allergic to bullets.” He doesn’t look impressed. Soon Susan and Beefy Marine go outside and leave me to watch the table. I just want to get out of there. At this point, I should mention that Susan’s day job is as a behavioral therapist for autistic kids.

My boss’s sister is her supervisor, and I happen to know that Susan is expected to be at work at 6 AM. I know this because Susan told me. By this time it is creeping past 12. After they come back, I decide it is time to try and get this girl’s keys from her and get back to my car. But not before she can introduce me to three more exes, and one guy who she practically starts making out with in front of me.

I ask her for her keys, and say that it is time to go. “No! No one drives my car but me.” Dear God. I weigh my options, and for some reason decide that “it can’t be more than five or six blocks back to her place, she might be fine to drive that far, and if all else fails I’ll tuck and roll out of the moving car…” I get her to her car and we start heading back.

Suddenly, she looks up in her rearview mirror and screams, “COPS!” before randomly swerving down a side street. She starts zigging and zagging at high speed through residential neighborhoods. I look behind us only to see…no car. Finally, she decides that “Oh, we lost them” and heads back to her place for real this time.

Now, you think the story would end here…But there is more crazy to come. As I am trying to make my getaway, she asks me to drive her back to the bar. “If you don’t, I will drive back drunk. I’ll then drive home drunker, and probably get in a crash and die.” She tells me. Fine. Screw it. Whatever. I tell her I will give her a ride.

Before we can get in my car, however, she informs me that she has to pee. I figure that she will go in the house…I figured wrong. This chick hikes up her skirt, pulls her thong aside, squats down, and proceeds to pee on the sidewalk right in front of me. I immediately spin around and avert my eyes and mumble an apology.

“It’s ok.” she says, “you can watch. I don’t mind. In fact I kind of like it.” I decline her offer. Finally, I get her in the car and start heading back to the bar. On the way back, she grabs my hand and slams it into her crotch. She starts telling me how she feels a real connection to me, “I don’t want to say ‘soulmates,’ but have you ever seen the movie, The Notebook?”

I tell her I haven’t, “Oh, well It’s kind of like that.” The whole time as she is saying this, and my hand is in her crotch, all I can think is, EEEEWWW, she drip-dried! Then she says what is maybe the icing on the cake, “The last time I felt this way about someone and they didn’t feel the same way…” she lets out a little laugh, “I tried to kill myself.”

That’s it. Get her out of my car! I pull into the parking lot. I pull up to the curb and try to get her out as fast and politely as possible. “Can I kiss you?’ she asks. “No. I would be a little uncomfortable with that.” I tell her. “Well, what about just one on the cheek?” she pleads. I figure, fine, anything to get her out of the car. I lean over and present my cheek…

Only to have her grab my head, and then like the face-hugger from Alien, jam her tongue down my throat. I start to flail around. She finally releases her grip and exits my car. Before she goes, she leans down and says, “I really messed things up tonight. didn’t I? You’ll probably never call me again.” “No.” I lie. I then get the heck out of there.

The next morning at work, I relay this crazy story to my boss, when suddenly I get a call from his sister. Susan didn’t show up for work that morning. She isn’t answering her phone. Her parents say that she didn’t come home either, and everyone wants to know what I did with Susan. Great. Crazy chick goes missing, I was the last person to see her. I’m going behind bars.

Eventually, she turns up claiming that her phone was out of batteries and that she had spent the whole night at the hospital with her grandfather who had a heart attack. I of course know all of this is lies. But whatever, I don’t have to deal with her anymore. She’s out of my life. Or so I thought…That’s when the voicemails began.

Tearful, jarring sobs of, “I sob just sob wanted to say sob ‘hi’ to you…” and, “Hey love, why aren’t you answering my calls?” and my favorite, “What did I do?” Eventually a month later or so, she got the hint and left me alone.

BossDulciJo

16. Sore Loser

I was in my late 20s teaching SAT test prep and this guy asked me what my SAT score was. It turned out I beat him, and he spent the ENTIRE rest of our dinner trying to trump me at some scholastic endeavor from high school or college. Did I take AP courses? Yes. Did I take Calculus? Yes. Who went to the better college? Me.

Aaah, but he took some programming courses and those are really hard, you know. Dude, I’ve taken programming courses, too. It went on and on and on. The jerk would not let it go. You know, normally as a woman I tend to play down my accomplishments because bragging is bad manners, but that night I was in his face rude about being brilliant. Then he wondered why I didn’t want to go back to his house afterward…

Impatiently

Blind datesUnsplash

17. The Ideal Woman

Once I went on a first date and the guy told me that I seem great, he just had one concern: “I’m not saying you’re fat, but I’m worried you will gain weight and not be attractive to me anymore.” I was 110 lbs. at the time. And I was eating a salad.

creepypaste

18. Simply Irresistible

First date: Drove around the countryside, explored an abandoned building, went to the beach, had a great time overall. Second date: Arrive at a college jazz show, she is sitting with another dude, holding hands. I sit in the back of the room, bewildered, while she turns around every few minutes, just grinning at me unabashedly.

Third date: Drive around town, goof off in random stores, spontaneous makeout session at a stoplight, cause a minor traffic jam. Fourth date: Arrive to pick her up for the date, and she is chatting up another guy. Car drives up, she gets in and leaves, leaving me with some random dude who ends up crying. He turns out to be suicidal, cries on my shoulder for several hours, we get burgers and talk about life, and have a strangely decent evening in the process.

Fifth date: Screw that. I stayed home.

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19. Three’s Company

I went out with this girl four or five times, but this was the first time I picked her up from her house. When I went to drop her off, there was an extra car in the driveway. I said that she had never mentioned having a roommate, and asked when she was going to introduce me. That’s when I learned the chilling truth. She said, “Oh, no, that’s my husband’s car.”

voodoo_curse

20. An Eerie Transformation

When I was trying to date this girl, I found out about her deepest secret the hard way. We had just finished watching a movie in her dorm room when she started freaking out as she looked in the mirror. I asked her what was wrong, to which she replied “She doesn’t want you here,” and immediately kicked me out of the room.

As I was standing outside in a dumbfounded manner, I decided to text her because I wanted to know what the heck just happened. As I was walking back to my place, she texted back gibberish and stuff about her hurting her. I didn’t understand, and I immediately walked back to her dorm. She texted me to go away.  I told her no and that I was waiting for her to come let me in so I could help her.

She came down and let me in. She ran back to her room and I followed. The room was extremely dark and I could barely see anything when I closed the door behind me. There she was on the floor, staring at a door mirror. She slowly turned her head at me and stared at me. It was like that for a good minute. After officially being creeped out, I asked her what was wrong.

She snapped out of it for a second. It was physically visible in her face that something changed. She told me that she was having trouble with her “other self.” It took a couple of minutes, but she eventually “changed.” She went limp and slumped over. I rushed to her but didn’t know what to do. She woke back up but definitely not herself.

It took hours for her to stop “changing.” I didn’t know how to handle her, but I eventually got her to get help after that.

wingman6869

21. Take A Hint

A couple of years ago, I met a guy and sort of pity-dated him for a couple of weeks. He started off seeming like a decent enough fellow, but there really wasn’t any spark at all, at least not on my side. Being naïve and rather inept on the romantic front, I did what amounted to unwittingly stringing him along by deigning to go out with him for coffee and dinner now and then.

It was still quite clear that nothing else was going to happen any time soon, barring some freak accident in an aphrodisiac factory. One day, I was hanging out with him, my best friend and his boyfriend, and a lesbian friend of mine who was visiting all the way from Austria. Pity-Date and I were in the minority as heterosexuals.

Lo and behold, he started making blatant homosexual insults under his breath, within clear earshot of my three gay friends. I took him aside and gave him what-for; I don’t tolerate that kind of stuff from anyone in any company, let alone from my date in the company of my good friends. He assured me that he had every right to say this stuff because his mother is, in his words, “a bulldyke.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and told him to just shut it for the time being and I’d give him a full piece of my mind at a more opportune time. I gave it about a week or so before deciding to sit him down, tell him what I thought of his inexcusable behavior, and break it off with him once and for all. Unfortunately, this last rendezvous coincided with my 22nd birthday.

He met me in a coffee shop, and before I could get a word out, he wished me a happy birthday and said he couldn’t wait to give me his present. This ratcheted up the awkward factor exponentially, and I almost felt bad for him for a second. Almost. For a second. I declined and said that I didn’t feel comfortable accepting a gift. His response made my jaw drop.

“Oh, don’t worry. I didn’t spend any money or anything, I was just going to take you back to your apartment and sleep with you.” I just looked at him all slack-jawed, unable to adequately process the overwhelming gall he had just exhibited. So I told him no, never mind, this was never, ever going to work. I’d had enough and wanted nothing more to do with him.

I refrained even from telling him off about his behavior since it was a moot point by now. I operated under the impression that I would be seeing and hearing no more of him ever, but a couple of days after my birthday, he called me up. I answered more out of morbid curiosity than anything else, and I’m so, so glad I did.

He called to tell me that he’d hooked up with a male co-worker in the janitor’s closet of the hospital where he worked, and that my refusal to put out for him was what drove him to do it. Suddenly the phobia made so much more sense; a textbook case of “the lady doth protest too much.” Before hanging up, he had one final request.

His words verbatim: “Since we aren’t seeing each other anymore, I guess we’ll have to find other people. So can I borrow your digital camera? I want to take a picture of my cat and send it to this girl I’ve got my eye on.” This series of unfortunate events had been relegated to bemused memory until this past New Years, when I received an unexpected e-mail from him.

In it, he expounded upon all of his theories of why I never wanted to sleep with him. 1) I’m actually gay and don’t know it, 2) I have a secret substance misuse problem, and 3) I have a long history of abuse going all the way back to my early childhood. Wrong on all three counts, bro. Did I respond to this four-year-belated e-mail? No, Sir!!

Methinks I dodged not a mere bullet, but some heavy artillery with that one.

count_olaf_lucafont

22. Ladies’ Man

I was on a date with a guy I liked, and while he was driving, he got a speeding ticket and asked me to pay for it, since I was talking and he was “distracted” from the road. I was annoyed, but I took the ticket. He then took me to dinner at Hooters and asked me to pick up the tab so he can pay for us to get into some night club, where he spends the entire evening talking about other women he’d been with. Needless to say, there was no second date.

PopsicleJane14

23. Shut The Front Door

When I reach for the door, he tackles and shoves me aside so he can….open the door for me. I thought it was an accident, so I laugh it off by commenting on how hard it must be for guys to follow all these rules of being gentlemanly, and mentioned it’s easier for me as there are fewer rules to follow. He gets a devilish look in his eyes and says, “Women are expected to provide certain ‘services’ to a gentleman.” Oh heck no.

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24. My Condolences

I told a guy about my mom’s upcoming surgery, which wasn’t life-threatening. The guy said to me, “Well, because of where you grew up, maybe a passing in the family would serve you well. You know, a character builder. People like you could really learn from that.” So he wanted my mom to pass? I wrapped it up quickly after that.

ubigeorge

25. Leave Them Wanting More

I was on a dating site for a while and agreed to meet a guy for drinks after we emailed back and forth. I should have seen the red flags. He was a lawyer, well-educated, seemingly honest, claimed to be a good-looking guy…but he posted a deceptive photo of himself. I barely recognized him when I saw him. But he was just getting started.

He refused to tell me where he worked, or his last name, explained his phone number is unlisted due to his profession. THEN he proceeds to go through all of the photos on my phone when I tried to show him just one. I got the most expensive drink I could find, chugged it, then got out of there as fast as I could carry myself.

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Blind datesPikist

26. You Dog, You

I met a girl via Facebook, and we met up at a coffee shop. I don’t even drink coffee, it’s just a cliché spot in the dating routine. ANYWAY. She grabs a coffee, and we start talking. Things go really well. She offers to drive me home after two hours of talking. Then she says “Before we leave, I need to tell you…”Oh. My. God.

She said she’ll be the perfect girlfriend, meet my parents, be the goody-good girlfriend. But two nights a week, she wants me in a kennel at the foot of her bed. She whipped out her phone and showed me pictures. She went into great detail about the things she “needs” from me. She said I’d be perfect for what she wants, blah blah blah.

I tried to be nice and not flip the table and run. I let her down, knowing it was all lots of fun and I really appreciate her being upfront about all that. There are places to go online and seek out people who are into that sort of thing, but sadly I couldn’t do it.

Malumen

27. Pop Quiz

My housemate told me that one of his friends used to ask girls on the first date if they could name three brands of printer. He would then judge them not on their answer, but how they answered. If they answered quickly and rattled off three “makes,” then they were too geeky. If they said “I don’t know any,” then they weren’t willing to play along.

But, if they managed to get three but were more hesitant over their answers, then they were a good date. He…did not go on many second dates.

andyface

28. I Know What I Want

I had a girl ask me what I looked for in a partner. She then seemed annoyed that my answer was rather general, and proceeded to pull out her list. It was eight typed pages. She started going through the points and giving me checkmarks. I didn’t get very many.

MerelyMemories

29. Don’t Lean On Me

I have shoulder problems, and I have had three different dates with three different women that ended with me in the ER after a major dislocation. Once, I dislocated my right shoulder when I went to hold open the door for my date on the way into the restaurant. Shortest date ever, she drove me to the ER and as I walked in, she walked toward a bus stop. Never saw her again.

In the second instance, I forced an entire theater audience to wince as I tried the “arm stretch” move to put my arm around one girl and pop, my right arm dropped painfully behind the seat. The woman sitting behind me actually screamed. Movie stops completely and the lights go on…great fun. Dated that girl for about a month.

The third I can’t even explain, I was just driving and my arm just went. I was downshifting and the arm just came out of the socket. I had to pull over and call for an ambulance ride that time because she didn’t know how to drive a stick. Lo and behold, she was too freaked out to ever go out with me again. Can’t say I blame her.

My arms are much more stable now, but they both used to dislocate a lot. I once dislocated my left arm by pointing at the whiteboard at work during a meeting. I’ve even dislocated my right shoulder once when I sneezed. My right shoulder is the worse of the two. Haven’t had a major dislocation in more than a year, but I used to have them every month or two.

seanbennick

30. The Worst Of A Bad Time

The plan for the date is dinner and a movie. We were set up by a mutual friend and had been texting and talking on the phone and I was pretty excited. He shows up an hour late. I would have cut and run then but I wanted to make the best of it…and he was good friends with one of my friends, so…I instantly regretted my decision.

On the way to the movie, I discover he already had dinner. I’m now starving hungry, so I make the best of it and grab chocolate bars at the gas station. He starts talking about how chocolate will make me fat. I’m a skinny girl. And still, who says that? So we’re waiting for the movie to start and I’m munching on my snacks and he keeps going on about how I wouldn’t want to get fat!

I smile and nod. On the drive home, we start talking about movie editing. I ask him a question, and I’m halfway through it when he cuts me off and says “You’re smart too! Now I’m realllly in love!” Then he doesn’t actually answer my question. Instead, just starts aimlessly complimenting me about anything and everything, really erratically.

When he dropped me off, I’m ready to dash but still, too nice to be rude, and it’s kind of a laugh the guy is arrogant, shallow, rude, and can’t hold an intelligent conversation. Now he’s telling me about his gun collection. Oh look there’s some in his trunk! He wants to show me them…but I have an early class so I have to go. We never spoke again.

Permalink

Blind datesPexels

31. Sibling Rivalry

On a date with a girl, we went for a walk across the city. Well, these guys she knew kept stopping her on the street to say hi and exchange a few words with her. Each time, she’d tell me it was one of her brothers. Apparently, this girl had over 15 brothers and randomly met them all on the same day…I still have no idea who these guys really were or why she clearly lied about their relationship.

fdsaghj341

32. May I Introduce…

I had a girl bring her boyfriend to a date once. Apparently, the two girls who set us up, our mutual friends, didn’t like her current boyfriend. For some reason, she agreed to go out with me. But she didn’t have a problem with her boyfriend, so she brought him along.

cntymcgee

33. Mommy Issues

I dated a guy I thought was great, until I came home to meet his mom one day. We walk in, and she is all smiles and polite to me as she is tidying the house. He was getting ready for our dinner date and walked into the laundry room to get his clothes. When he came out, I was chilled to the bone. He starts screaming at his poor mother and waving a pair of jeans in her face.

When I say screaming, I mean his face was red and spittle was flying, all because she dried a pair of his jeans and they shrunk. She was reduced to tears and he actually got to the point where he just sat down on the couch and tugged on his shirt collar until it was shredded in his hands. I walked up to her and apologized that she had to deal with that and walked out the door.

He ran after me, crying and holding bits of the shirt and asking, well more like demanding, that I stay and begging me not to leave. I turned and told him that you just don’t talk to someone like that, especially your mother, especially someone who was trying to do something nice for you and there was no way in heck I was going to see someone who had such anger problems and lack of self-control.

aicela

Blind datesPexels

34. Plugged In

The date itself was good. We hit it off and had a lot of common interests. It was the end of the date that sucked. She asked me at the end of the date what my Facebook name was. I told her, honestly, that I don’t have Facebook. She looked shocked. But since the first date went great, I asked her out again a few days later.

She flat-out told me no, because, and I quote, “I can’t trust anyone who doesn’t have a Facebook account.” So glad I avoided crazy that early on.

notabook

35. Keep It Classy

I had been chatting with this girl online for a while, and made plans to meet up. She had pushed back our plans twice so far, and I said to myself if she does this once more I’ll never speak to her again. So, third time’s a charm, I’m driving up to meet her. Get caught in abysmal traffic. I felt like a fool, but I let her know I’d be like 15 minutes late.

Her response? “Oh is that today? I forgot! Aaaaaargh!” I agreed to have her meet me, but she said to while away 15 minutes while she “gets ready” and she’ll call. That 15 minutes was 45. I pride myself on punctuality, and stuff like that really gets under my skin. But she was hot, so I took it with a grain of salt and kept the day alive.

She gives abysmal directions, but I make it to her place. Pretty good looking, enough that I could put up with her aloofness. I walk inside, and am overwhelmed with the smell of weed. I don’t have a problem with that,  but I do have a problem with her place reeking of it. Explains the aloofness, but whatever. She asks to stay in for a while, play Guitar Hero. Sure, why not.

We get to talking, get closer, start petting, etc. Before too long she has her hands down my pants. I feel this is as good of an invitation as any to move on to her chest. As soon as I do, she shoves me back, and gives me this classic line “Uh! I am a preacher’s daughter!!” I look down at her hand, still down my pants, and laugh. I got up and left. No amount of hot is worth that much crazy.

Permalink

Blind datesUnsplash

36. I Can See Clearly Now

Our date was going well. We were making out a little when she licks the contact lens out of my eye. I’m like, you just licked my eye, thinking she made a mistake, to which she responded “Live a little”??? I kindly asked her for my contact back; she said eyeball licking was a hot turn on. No more dates with her after that.

uxdave

37. Double Standard

I had a blind date set up by a friend and her husband. A double date. The guy was handsome and funny…at first. We met at a bar and he spent the entire evening lecturing me and throwing Bible quotes at me for having a drink. This went on for two hours. I was very ready to go home at the end of that night, let me tell you. But it wasn’t over.

Dropping me off, he got out of the car at my house and told the married couple to pick him up in the morning. Shocked, I asked him what he thought he was doing. He was like, “You’re going to let me make love to you, right?” So drinking is a sin but sleeping with someone you just met was A-OK in his bible book; he was Baptist.

I had a “fury white-out” and don’t remember if I threw him in my friend’s car or just strongly suggested he get off my land, but I made sure he got gone. I heard later that he was blown away that I thought the evening didn’t go well.

SnarkSnout

38. Too Much Information

I dated a girl for a couple of weeks, went back to her place, and we started opening up to each other for the first time. That’s when she made a dark confession. The conversation was something like this. She got into talking about her family, then about her bipolar mother, and how she was probably bipolar because of it. But that wasn’t what did me in.

She then starts talking about how she has no luck with men because she gets overly emotional, then cried about it while I tried to console her, then accused me of being like every guy and going to leave her. Suddenly, this turned into her yelling at me, tears streaming down her face, telling me to get the heck out because I’m a jerk.

This whole transformation took about 15-20 minutes, tops.

She also messaged me a week later asking when/where we should go on another date. I’m usually a sucker for helping people in need, but that is one case I am just not qualified to deal with.

Phuzzums

39. Full Disclosure

I got set up with the daughter of one of my parents’ friends. I wasn’t really looking forward to it, but I was on break from college, and she apparently went to school not far from me, so it wasn’t like a lost-cause summer romance type thing. They showed me pictures and said nice things about her. I got convinced, just a little.

I picked her up from her parents’ place and was a little surprised by how pretty she was; the pictures had been from when she was in high school, and didn’t do her justice. The date was dinner and a movie. Dinner went really well; we had a lot in common. She was very grounded and down-to-earth, cared about the environment. If I have a type, she was it.

So as we’re walking to the movie theater, I slipped my arm around her waist. She pushed me away and got all serious. “I’m really sorry, because you seem like a nice guy, but…I’m a lesbian. I just went out with you to make my parents happy.” Sitting through The Chronicles of Narnia with her was the most awkward two hours of my life.

alexanderwales

40. Long-Distance Lover

I made a Plenty of Fish account, and talked to this guy for a few weeks through texting, but eventually stopped. A couple of months later, I’m out at a bar with another guy, but Mr. Plentyoffish walks in. He introduces himself, then sulks the rest of the night watching me from the other side of the bar. When I leave, I check my phone—and saw messages I wish I could unsee.

He left me a bunch of angry texts just laying into me and insulting me. I’ve never met him before that night, but he seemed to think there was a real connection and proceeded to tell me I’m a witch for not giving him a chance. We argued a bit until he apologized the second and last time I saw him. He basically ruined any chance he ever had with me.

Karabell

41. Wrong Place, Wrong Time

I wasn’t feeling great, but decided to meet this girl anyway. We met at a Belgian beer bar. She was gorgeous, fun, and totally into me. I felt a gas pain, so I leaned forward slightly to quietly relieve the pressure. I completely and explosively pooped myself. The odor was immediate. I excused myself to the bathroom, but the damage was too great.

I walked out of the bathroom, muddy-panted, out of the bar, and boarded the train for home. The date was nothing compared to the horror of the following three weeks, recovering from E-coli.

jeremylee

42. Stay Curious

I once went on a date with a girl and this is how the conversation went. Her: “So, what’s your favorite book?” Me: “Tough, but when I was little I LOVED Jurassic Park.” Her: “Yuck, Jurassic Park.” Me: “The book or the movie? EVERYBODY loves Jurassic Park!” Her: “I don’t believe in dinosaurs.” Me: “Fossils?!??!??!” Her: “I don’t want to get into it, but I think fossils are lies.”

I ended the conversation there and held onto the night. Until later on she told me, “I don’t believe in outer space” and my head exploded.

Jack_Bandit

43. Teenage Heartthrob

I was set up by a friend when I was 16. He took me to the movies (at the mall) and awkwardly tried to make out. Then we sat in the food court and he asked my honest opinion of him, to which I mumbled something typical like “you seem nice.” Without invitation, he then delved into what he thought of me, which was attractive but could be really hot if I lost 5-10lbs.

Then he left me for a bit, which was weird, and returned with a lovely gift…a creepy puppet.

RebeccaSays

Blind datesUnsplash

44. Eager Beaver

My sister’s husband wants me to go out with his best friend. First, he insists on opening doors for me. Not like, the car door as I enter or a building door—that would have been OK. But everything. When we pulled up to the movie theater, I tried to exit the car. Instead, he yelled “NO NO” and ran out of the car and to the passenger side, pushed the door closed, and then opened it again.

Again, he made a scene at the box office when I said I’d pay for my own ticket. I had told him before that I thought first dates should be Dutch so that no one feels any undue pressure, but he actually pushed me out of the way so he could pay for our tickets. I was steamed. After the movie, he asked if I wanted to go to Dunkin’ Donuts for coffee and dessert.

I told him I had to get home. On the way home, he told me that he’d be really happy if I came to church with him on Sunday so I could meet his family. Ick.

askheidi

45. Two Thumbs Down

I was about 21. This girl in college, who otherwise was a pretty and smart girl, showed up with her little brother, who was about 17, with a peach fuzz ‘stache. He had on a tank top and looked like a little thug. We were going out to the movies and he tagged along. He sat between us. I thought I was being set up by those candid camera shows.

To make matters worse, we had gone to see The Flintstones. HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE ALL AROUND.

dalejreyes

46. Exploring Her Options

Not my story, but a friend of mine used to have a weekly get-together at his apartment on Friday. One Friday, there was this curvy goth girl who my friend had met online. He had apparently been exchanging messages with her and had invited her to the party to get to know her better. However, whenever my friend turned his back, this girl would rub up against whatever guy was closest to her.

Later in the night, after I had left, she ended up making out with two of the partygoers.

patorjk—

47. Somebody’s Watching Me

A girl I went on a date with brought a female friend along. The female friend would always sit or stand a few feet from us and not get involved in what we were doing. She was just observing us intently. When I met the girl at first that day, she said her friend “liked to come along on dates” but that didn’t make much sense to me.

Near the end of the afternoon, I ended up asking her what’s up with her friend observing us from a distance with a weird look. My date replied, “I told you she likes to come along on dates and watch us.” I pushed for some more details, and my date finally let out “Well she really likes watching people on dates. It turns her on, you know?”

That’s when I realized the weird look her friend had all day while watching us was actually a look of arousal. I have never been so creeped out in my life.

fdsaghj341

48. He’s Not All That

When I was 15, I went abroad to Germany to study for a year. I was an awkward, anxious, nerdy girl and didn’t make any friends, though one charitable soul offered to set me up on a date with a guy she knew from another school. I’ve never been the dating type, but I went along with it in hopes that it might crack some of the boredom, and what the heck, maybe this guy and I might hit it off.

Fast forward to date day, and I ask the guy what he wants to do. It’s a small suburban town just far enough outside the nearest city for it to be a pain to commute to, and not big enough on its own to offer much in the way of entertainment for two teens on a blind date. This guy, Kalle, suggests going for a walk. Fine, I’m down with that.

So we walk around, grab a coffee, and talk for about an hour or so. That’s all the time I need to settle any doubt that this guy is not for me. He’s not a bad guy, he just lacks even the faintest glimmer of intelligence. I ask him about his hobbies, and he tells me that he’s interested in pipefitting because that’s the vocation he intends to go into at his father’s request, despite his own indifference.

I ask him if he likes to travel and he says no, but he’s traveled a bit in his life. Where did he travel? About 45 km west of the town he grew up in, when he got lost and accidentally crossed the border into the Netherlands on his moped. He then launches into a tangent, completely out of nowhere, about how women can’t and shouldn’t be allowed to operate motor vehicles. (Hypocrisy much???)

At school the following week, the girl who set me up with this guy asked how everything went. I tried to be as diplomatic as possible and said that he seemed like a nice guy, but we didn’t have much in common, and thanks for making the effort, but I’m not interested in a second date. This is when I found out the awful reality of the situation.

My host sister, who’d tormented me in subtle ways from pretty much within a week of my arrival, then joined my classmate and they both collapsed in paroxysms of laughter and high-fives. Apparently, the two of them had arranged this date as a prank, and had a bet with each other about if I would go on a second date with this guy.

And if I had slept with the dude, well…I don’t know. It never would have come to that. Needless to say that, upon learning of this scheme at my expense, I unleashed some serious fury.

count_olaf_lucafont

49. Cheap Date

He took me out for dinner and a movie. Dinner was at Burger King. My meal of chicken tenders and a small fry cost under $4 at the time. Then, we saw Schindler’s List. No lie. His choice. But then it got worse. Afterward, he told me he didn’t believe the Holocaust happened. On top of that, when I bid him a good evening, he complained that I didn’t put out because he bought me dinner.

I didn’t stick around to go watch Apollo 13 and find out if he thought the moon landing was fake, and perhaps eventually barter my favors for an entire extra value meal. My self-esteem in college was low, but not that low.

idiosyncrassy

50. Eating For Two

I chatted a girl up online for about a week or so, and things went pretty well, so we decided to meet up. I asked her out for dinner, and said that if things went all right we’d go grab a drink. Let’s just say her photo didn’t match her appearance. Her excuse was that she had a crazy ex who was stalking her, so she used her sister’s photo and name.

HER NAME!!! SHE LIED ABOUT HER NAME! Anyway, come to find out through our “interview” that she was an only child. She didn’t catch her slip up, but I sure did. She rambled on and on and on about stuff I really couldn’t have cared less about. Then came the food. The waitress may as well have brought it out in a trough, as this woman didn’t use her utensils.

Did I mention we were at a steak restaurant? That’s right folks, she picked her steak up and ate it with her hands. Let’s not even get into the potatoes. It was the worst date of my life. I couldn’t eat my meal. I told her I wasn’t feeling well and that I was just going to get my food in a box to go and I’d eat it later if I felt better. Her response: “Would you mind if I ate it?”

She proceeded to devour my dinner as well. The waitress comes over and says “Goodness. When is your due date?” So she says that she is due in two months. First off, I couldn’t believe the waitress asked that, but then  I was floored at the girl’s response. Unbelievable. Being the gentleman that I am, I picked up the check because hey, it wasn’t going to pay itself. I kindly said it was “nice to meet you,” got in my car, and went to the bar. Well, she followed me.

She followed me to the bar, and when I got out of my car, she proceeded to berate me over why I was going out instead of going home. Now she’s calling me a liar in the parking lot of the bar I frequent, and my work buddies are starting to roll in. I never heard the end of it. I said to heck with this, got in my car, and drove home.

myonkin

Sources: 1, 2


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