Weddings these days come in all shapes and sizes. Honestly, nothing should shock us at this point. But people generally have a set of standards that a wedding should meet in order to be deemed a good time. From backseat ceremonies to public bathroom receptions to inappropriate speeches, it’s obvious that the definition of a good time greatly depends on who you ask.
1. Barefoot With Butterflies… Almost
Some hippie friends of my parents got married when I was about 14, and it was a location wedding at some earthy little mountain getaway in Tennessee. It was outside during mid-August, and in Tennessee, that's like, 90-degree, full humidity weather. But that's okay because since it was so hot, they decided to do it barefoot in a creek.
They had a cage of butterflies to release during the kiss. Romantic, right? WRONG. As it turned out, the butterflies didn’t make it because of the heat! When the big moment came, someone opened the cage dramatically to let them free, and two half-alive butterflies stumbled out and the rest were shriveled up inside.
The hippie bride screamed in horror.
2. Taking The Literal Plunge
The most ridiculous wedding I went to had a very personal theme. The groom was a plumber. So, the flowers the men wore on their lapels were mini toilets with flowers in them, and the centerpieces were plungers. No, I'm not making this up.
3. He Went For Nuggets And Never Came Back
I worked at a very high-end golf club in Seattle that regularly hosted expensive weddings. This particular Samoan wedding was probably my favorite. All of the groomsmen were wearing lime green vests with matching lime green snapbacks.
Also, the wedding party was supposed to order food from the restaurant at the golf club, as stated in their contract. NOPE. They ordered Dominoes instead. The pizza guy literally brings these people pizza as they sit in a fancy restaurant. But that was just the tip of the iceberg.
Then, the bride and groom got into an actual brawl right before the ceremony, delaying it a bit until bruises could be covered with makeup. The best part was the live band they hired to play at the reception. They didn't feed them. So, during their first break, the lead singer decided to zoom down the hill to grab some Mcdonald's for the crew.
He got pulled over and was booked for drinking and driving. His one call from behind bars: “I can't play at your wedding anymore, I'm locked up”.
4. I Don’t Even Cook Though
My cousin—who, let’s say, isn't playing with a full deck of cards—thought that she had hired a caterer because she sat at a bar one night and said to some lady, "You should do the food for my wedding".
On the day of the wedding, she waited until about an hour after the food should have logically arrived before starting to make some phone calls, only to find out that the "caterer" was on vacation in Costa Rica. She had no idea that the bride thought she was doing food for the wedding—she wasn’t even a caterer.
Dominoes to the rescue! The pizza arrived about two hours later. Oh, but the reception being held at a bowling alley with a keg in the middle of the dance floor was completely planned.
5. Bring Your Own Lawn Chair
The trashiest wedding that I have ever been to was easily my cousin's. It was held at their side yard. They used Styrofoam stuff for the aisle, she was about half an hour late coming out of the house because they had to deal with some critter, and we had to bring our own lawn chairs to sit in.
The ceremony lasted all of four minutes and we just went home. It was bizarre.
6. Cake Smash & Goodie Bags
I went to a wedding that my wife and I said will not last more than two years. The wedding was in the backyard of the bride’s house. They had all the chairs and wedding arch set up outside. They set up a plastic tarp running down the aisle to walk on. Just before the wedding started, there were darkening clouds appearing.
This should have been a sign to move the wedding inside, but they invited too many people to the darn thing. Just as they start the wedding, it began to rain lightly. Then disaster ensued. The father of the bride was walking the bride down the lane and slipped on the wet tarp, and fell on his backside.
The bride was now at the front, and it was raining harder. People started to cover up with whatever they had. Some people started to get up too. The bride turned around and said to all—with more colorful language—“THIS IS MY WEDDING, NO ONE IS GOING TO RUIN IT, YOU BETTER ALL SIT BACK DOWN!"
We all sat back down and the wedding resumed. It was now raining pretty hard. The grass had turned into mud. A few ladies in the crowd and the bridesmaid’s makeup began running down their faces. My wife had taken my jacket to seek cover from the rain. They finished the vows and kissed, and then everyone ran to the house and garage to get out of the rain. Somehow, it gets worse.
Remember how I said the grass was now mud? Yeah, lots of people slipped and fell in the mud on the way to the house. We got to the house, but by then, many people looked terrible from the ruined makeup, muddy clothing, and soaking wet hair. A few of the women had to cover their chests and waists due to wet clothing becoming see-through.
Most of the men were loaning their coats to the ladies to cover up. There were dirty looks all around. The wedding cake was outside, and now brought in. The rain made the decorations on the cake turn all runny and it looked horrible. The bride and groom began to cut the cake and feed each other.
They smashed the cake pieces into each other’s faces and then began a food fight with each other. My friend’s wife got hit in the face with cake and had purple icing on her face and dress. The priest got hit with cake too and had yellow icing on his white robe. There was nothing left of the cake to serve.
Food was then being served still frozen in the middle, and the stuff that was not frozen was burned. The dessert was supposed to be the cake, but as said above, there was nothing left. The worst part about this awful wedding was the goodie bag.
On the way out, guests were given a bag that contained a lollipop, a coupon for an ice cream cone at McDonald's, a pencil with the bride and groom's name on it, and a Halloween size M&Ms. The couple divorced 11 months later when the groom came home from work and found his wife sleeping with two guys.
7. Mr. Steal Your Girl
A friend of mine hired me to play music with him at a ceremony, but as is customary in those situations, I didn't know who was getting married until they showed up. Here's the backstory.
My wife was working for a corporation and one of her team members was a guy who was happily married to his high school sweetheart and had two young daughters. Another of their coworkers was his best friend, who was single. Let's call the married guy Phil, his wife Kim, and his BFF Tim.
Tim was a short, mousey kind of guy who had trouble getting dates, so Phil and Kim used to bring him along in situations where he'd normally be a third wheel—going sailing, going out to eat at nice restaurants, and so on. Phil didn't mind because Tim was such a good friend and he felt bad that he was lonely.
So, one time Phil is going out of town and he suggests that Kim and Tim keep each other company while he's gone. Well, that's exactly what they did. But when Phil got back, he was in for a rude awakening. His high school sweetheart announced that she and Tim were now an item and he was no longer in the picture.
So, imagine my surprise when the wedding couple shows up and Tim comes up to say hello to me. The cringiest part of the whole thing was Tim bringing Phil's daughters up during the wedding vows and talking about how he loved them like his own and how he was going to take care of them, etc.
Those poor little girls looked like they wanted to crawl under a rock and die.
8. A Human-Drawn Carriage
Our nanny’s best friend was getting married. My wife and I were invited because we had previously given the couple a gift certificate to a Bed and Breakfast that we were not going to use, and they thought we should be at their wedding as a thank you.
So, the day came and we decided to go. BIG MISTAKE. We were sitting in a field on a farm on the hottest day of the year—I’m talking high 90s. The bride was going to be transported from the house to the altar by horse-drawn carriage, which was about 2,000 feet away on a graded slanted dirt road.
The signal for the carriage to head over was someone standing behind the seated guests. This person suddenly blasted a 12-gauge firearm as the all go. The horse reared up and freaked out. The handler tried desperately to regain control, but the horse collapsed. After 10 minutes of this going on, we found out the horse had heat stroke and could not pull the carriage.
So, instead of forgoing the carriage, the bride’s dad walked down to the wedding guests—and made a jaw-dropping request. He asked for volunteers to help pull the carriage down to the altar. My wife nudged me and I said: "There is no way I am sticking my toe in that pool of dumb”.
About six people volunteered, including one little person. They all got in place and started to pull the carriage. As gravity and common sense come into play, the downgraded hill started to make the carriage uncontrollable. The people started trying to control the speed, but within 45 seconds, the six guys were holding on for dear life running a full sprint just not to get run over if they let go.
As they were almost in a full sprint—cartoon style where their legs were going a hundred miles an hour—but the cart was going faster.
At this point, the little person’s feet were not even touching the ground, but his legs were still in running motion. The carriage came flying down the road and, incredibly, rolled right into the hay field and stopped about 20 feet from the altar. It was quite literally the funniest thing I had ever seen.
Then to put the icing on the cake, the reception was a dry event because the groom’s family was super religious. It was also a pot-luck dinner. We paid for their cake as our contribution to the potluck. My wife, being the saint she is, spent $600 on it and the groom pushed the bride's face into it like an 8th grader giving a 6th grader a swirly in a bathroom stall, and destroyed the whole thing.
Not one piece was served.
9. I Do, Let’s Drink!
Hands down the worst wedding I've ever been to was when my step-cousin—who was 20 years older than me and married a girl from the grade above me in high school, who I vaguely knew but wasn't friends with.
The pastor went on a ten-minute sermon in the middle of the wedding ceremony about DIVORCE. This was doubly awkward because there were nine parents present due to multiple parental divorces on both sides. The reception was in the basement of a bowling alley where the bride and groom liked to get tipsy on their days off.
They forwent a receiving line after the ceremony and promised to have one at the beginning of the reception instead. But then they were over a half hour late to their own reception, because they had started drinking already. The receiving line never happened and they never visited with their guests.
The entire bridal party showed up at the reception absolutely trashed and continued to drink more. It was freezing cold in the reception hall—which proved helpful only for those who were pounding back beverages and taking off layers. Most of the guests were over the age of 45. So, of course, they proceeded to play hard rock at painful volumes that prevented all conversation.
The wedding cake was cheesecake with frosting on it. It was cut in such a way that it looked like normal cake, so the few clear-headed guests were unpleasantly surprised when they took their first bite—it was not good cheesecake. The bride got so very tipsy that someone tied a balloon to her bustle and she never noticed.
She also had a sobbing fit all over my mother about how glad she was that my mom came. She had never met my mother before. Most people bailed shortly into the reception after the cake was served. It just got messier and messier.
10. How Fitting
I attended a wedding for a friend, where the bride and groom weren't actually very interested in each other. He was very wealthy and she needed financial stability, it didn't matter from whom. And he needed the emotional stability afforded by marriage.
The bride was—and maybe still is—having an affair with someone else, who just so happened to be one of her teachers from high school. The groom knew and didn’t care. They got married anyway and it was awkward because only the friends of the couple knew what was actually going on. But here's the kicker.
The bride specifically requested that the DJ play a song by Panic At The Disco, called: "I Write Sins Not Tragedies”—which is a song about a wedding where the bride is cheating on the groom.
11. Well, That Escalated Quickly.
Being a wedding photographer is awesome. I worked at a wedding where the best man slept with the groom's mother between the meal and the dancing. The groom found out and decked the best man in the face, which broke his hand. The best man drove away and got pulled over for drinking and driving.
12. Canadian Redneck Hoarders
I realize how truly special my Uncle's redneck wedding was. To host the wedding in my uncle's backyard, they had to spend about an hour that morning—though the wedding was planned for months—moving rusted-out car parts out of the way. By "out of the way" I mean, they moved them from the back yard to the front yard, and then covered them with a tarp.
The entire backyard was dotted with massive patches of yellow grass now, but nobody seemed to mind. A yard sale was happening next door simultaneously, which many of the guests made purchases at, including myself. Four bucks for a lava lamp. I couldn't resist.
The inside of the house was so disastrous that none of the adult guests set foot in it. Myself and some of the other younger guests made a game of seeing who could tolerate the stench inside the house the longest. Nobody lasted a full minute. There was literally garbage covering every surface with paths cut through the trash for movement.
The garbage was so high it reached the bottom of the Christmas tree, which was still up in July. They took hoarding to a whole new level. Predicting the state of the house, one of the guest's donations to the "pot-luck" style wedding dinner was a porta-potty.
With God as my witness, this man arranged to have a portable potty brought into the bride and groom's backyard so the other guests wouldn't have to deal with the filth of the house, and nobody objected to that or thought it out of place at all.
Other contributions to the pot-luck dinner included weenies n' beans, slices of bologna with Kraft singles rolled up and stuck with a toothpick as hors d'oeuvres and two buckets of KFC chicken. Most of the bridesmaids had those sitting-walker things, one had an oxygen tank, and all of them were lighting up—one after another.
The grooms all wore their nicest ball caps during the ceremony. The couple was a sight to behold: The bride and groom didn't have a full set of teeth between the two of them.
At one point during the ceremony, the bride's brother gave us all a "special surprise" which consisted of him using some sort of explosives to fire tiny plastic weights tied to Canada flag parachutes into the air. When I asked why he did this I was told: "They're Canada flags," at which point all confusion dissipated.
The dinner and reception were held at the local Legion. Which is essentially a bar for old people, specifically veterans. I’m not sure if other nations have something similar. There were six rascal scooters parked outside the legion when I got there.
The bartender didn't pour drinks, he handed patrons a plastic cup with a shot in it and pointed them at the pop dispenser, while also putting any change from drink orders directly into his tip jar.
Honestly, there was a bunch more weird stuff from that wedding. This is just off the top of my head. I've been to some very nice redneck weddings, but this was not one of them.
13. A Backseat Wedding With A Free Kitten
The trashiest wedding that I have ever been to was probably my own. We had planned a lovely event, but when it came time to actually put plans into motion, I realized there was no way my family and his family needed to be within several miles of each other, much less the same venue.
We decided we'd get married, just the two of us and the gentleman responsible for the paperwork. We planned a lovely little picnic-type event at a local duck pond that has a pretty gazebo we could use. Our minister was a dear friend, so we told him to bring his wife and we'd treat them to lunch afterward.
It was the morning of, and we apparently stepped into monsoon season. There was a 20% chance of rain in the forecast that had suddenly turned to 16 inches of rain overnight, with more on the way. We almost couldn't leave our house because the water was so high.
I called our friend and told him to scratch the duck pond idea, and asked that he just meet us in town so nobody gets washed away. Well, we also run a farm so the easiest common ground that we all knew was the local feed store. Hubby and I arrived early, went inside, and bought the feed we needed.
As we came out, our friend arrived and helped hubby load feed into the back of our truck. It was still pouring rain. I heard something and saw a month-old kitten about to get washed into a storm drain so I grabbed it, wrapped it in my jacket, and placed it in the passenger seat of our truck before climbing into our friend's vehicle.
We said our vows, sitting in the backseat, soaking wet and covered in hay and mud, and then we simply went our separate ways afterward. Hubby then learned we had a new cat—whom we named Pumpkinhead. It was a disaster from beginning to end, but somehow it was perfect and we have a heck of a story to tell our son someday.
14. No Limits
The worst wedding that I have been to is definitely my own. My wife had been married before and had the pretty and 'standard' style ceremony, so she told me our wedding was entirely up to me. This was her mistake.
So, our ceremony started out traditionally enough. I had a friend dressed as a priest, giving the most absolutely droll and boring introduction that he could. After two minutes of this, the actual officiant in the audience put on a luchador mask and walked up to the podium.
He placed the "priest" in a headlock and physically threw him out of the room. He then pulled a smutty comic book out of his pants and proceeded to officiate the wedding from it—I had pasted a pre-written script inside.
I pretended to be aghast, while my best man started playing, I'm Awesome by Spose. Then I revealed that my suit was a tear-away stripper suit, and I was wearing silk suit pajamas underneath, with a t-shirt that read: This Is What Awesome Looks Like.
The scripted ceremony proceeded, with several self-deprecating jokes, including the priest asking my bride: "Do you take this man to be your husband despite... well... everything?"
Yeah, it was classy.
15. An Overpass, A Swamp, And A Cross-Eyed Minister
My wedding—if one may call it that—was an extremely small and quick affair under an overpass by a foul body of water. It consisted of my overemotional and violently excited mother, my husband-to-be in his dress uniform, and me in a leather jacket. I was trying to reason with the two of them that this is all rather sudden and we're under an overpass, for God's sake.
My husband-to-be was the mastermind behind all this. He'd flown my mother down as a surprise and hired a local non-denominational minister. And then he chose under the overpass for the charming view of the open water beside it. Nothing good or green lived in that water. It smelled and was stagnant.
I remember staring wearily out at it while I listened to cars passing overhead. It was very, very windy. Did I mention it was night? This was less a joyous union and more the beginning of a Law & Order episode. My mother was doing the foxtrot in her joy over our young love.
The minister was late. When he arrived, I could see he was also wondering why the heck we were all under an overpass in the dark. He came closer, and I got a good glimpse of his face. I couldn't believe it. He was cross-eyed. Now, cross-eyed happens, and I mean no disrespect to the cross-eyed. But merciful Christ.
I was under an overpass, next to a swamp, mother was dancing, my husband-to-be was oblivious to why I seemed disturbed, it was nighttime, trucks were downshifting above me, and now here was the minister looking at all of us at once with ease. And then the minister began to speak.
He was addressing my fiancé whilst simultaneously looking at both me and the water. He wanted his money upfront. That's what the Craigslist ad specified. My mother, God love her, cheerfully volunteered a twenty from her wallet. My fiancé was muttering and paying the minister.
The ceremony started and it was quickly apparent he didn’t know my name, despite introducing myself earlier. He called me Georgie. My name is Jennie. I corrected him politely. He waved his hand in the air as if swatting off flies. I was Georgie for the rest of the event.
My fiancé took my hand. My mother started noisily weeping. The wind really kicked up while the cars rattled overhead. I was straining to hear the minister. It was time for my vows. I actually laughed briefly at this point, but by now it was panic. It was at this moment both myself and the minister forgot how the vows actually go.
I remembered first, so I started the chant, “With this ring”. The minister looked in two directions at once and chanted in reply, “With this ring”. All of this was confusing, so I shoved the ring on my guy’s hand and blurted out the rest furiously. Finally, it was over. The world’s briefest kiss occurred.
My mother was good enough to take pictures…in the dark, with the flash on, and a minister who looked like absolute nightmare fuel. I began to laugh. I laughed a very loud and hysteric laugh that went on for way too long. I had completely lost my mind.
Suddenly, everyone just walked away and we headed to the minister’s car to sign the paperwork on its hood. The minister left and we went to a fast-food restaurant. I continued to laugh awkwardly all night as I dealt with what I had just done.
16. They Rick Rolled Us
A guy I knew—who was a pathological liar to the fullest extent—ended up hooking up with a crazy chick from the bar. Unfortunately, he got her pregnant and then decided to marry her. His parents were wealthy, and pretty upset with the ordeal because this chick was completely off her rocker.
They paid for the wedding anyway, and it went as follows. The wedding was in the front yard of a trailer that had a chain-linked fence. They had a plastic altar and cheap metal chairs. It had just rained, so the ground was like quicksand. People everywhere were sinking into the ground.
They rented a Golden Corral chocolate fountain that people kept tripping over and turning it off, resulting in a big ole doodoo looking mountain.
The only bridesmaid was also the DJ, with a fully equipped iPad and some $10 computer speakers that were also sinking into the mud. The iPad kept skipping and barely made it through a full song before she changed it to another. The speakers were cutting in and out constantly.
As they walked down the makeshift aisle of swamp tears, they "Rick Rolled" us—meaning they stopped the typical wedding march song and suddenly played the Rick Astley song, Never Gonna Give You Up. This is typically an internet gnome move.
There was no booze but his mother was loaded and crying, and utterly defeated the entire day. Since then, they had another kid. We bumped into them randomly at a Renn Festival, where he told me she had gone to England for two months or so to meet a dude she met online.
She told him she was leaving him and wanted nothing to do with the two kids, so this was her last time seeing them. Shortly into this nonsense marriage, the lying groom was back to his usual scheming. He created a GoFundMe page claiming that he had cancer. Eventually, it got out that he was lying—of course.
That marriage was doomed from the beginning, but maybe they deserved each other.
17. I Would Walk 500 Miles
One of the trashiest weddings I have been to was my own. We had a baby on the way so we changed our plans to save money. We registered a small space in the center of town. Our ceremony was delayed when there was a scare in the building as some dude from another party was out on the window ledge suggesting to jump to his demise.
Afterward, we literally walked up the road to the pub and bought everyone a round of drinks. Then we walked again, across town to a nice restaurant we had booked. We didn't ask for gifts, only asked that people pay for their meals. We bought another round of drinks in the restaurant.
The wedding cake was in the only corner of the restaurant where there was room, so I had to squeeze in behind my bride for the obligatory cake-cutting pictures. All the pictures look like I am bending her over the table and giving her a good seeing to. My parents were dismayed. I thought it was hilarious.
After the meal, we walked again, to the next location—a little church that had been converted into a nightclub. I had my first dance with my wife to some Britney Spears Techno mash-up. People kept buying me shots. I had to carry my exhausted wife, wedding dress and all, piggyback style to the nearest taxi rank to go home.
Her shoes had mangled her feet from the ridiculous amount of walking we had to do over the course of the day. I was comfortably tipsy. Do you know what? I'd do it the same way again. It was a fantastic day, and I was able to take the full two weeks off work when the baby arrived without worrying about money.
18. It Was Intentional
My husband and I started planning a wedding—the second for both of us—and realized two things: we didn't want our families anywhere near each other and, we could either have a big wedding or a down payment on a house. We picked the house and decided to fly to Vegas for the wedding.
The one condition I put on getting married in Vegas was that I got to make it look as much like a drunken mistake as possible. So, I wore a yellow backless dress with rhinestones, and he had a white suit with a Hawaiian shirt to match my dress.
We were married at 11 pm on Friday the 13th by an Elvis impersonator. There was also a Dog the Bounty Hunter impersonator and drag queen in attendance. The drag queen cried during the ceremony because we looked so happy.
Also, there were about ten tipsy Oklahomans—all in odd wedding veils, Groucho Marx glasses, or strange hats who wanted to see a "real Vegas wedding"—that just walked in and sat down. Elvis had to restart the band—which was his iPod—three times during my trip down the aisle because it kept cutting out.
We wrote our own vows and referred to each other using inappropriate nicknames during the ceremony. We had an amazing time, the photos are killer, and we're still happily wed. 10/10 would do it again.
19. Wait, What?
I dated a girl in my 20s and I went to her friend’s wedding in upstate New York. In the middle of the service the minister’s cell phone rang. He actually answered it. Oh, and guess who it was?
It was God. And God wanted to talk to the groom. The conversation lasted a couple of minutes, and then the ceremony continued.
20. You Can’t Sit With Us
We went to a wedding for rich French people and we didn't know anyone. Despite costing us major coin, there were two tiers of invitees at this wedding. There were people who got orange juice and peanuts for snack food, and then those who got the real food, like champagne and sandwiches.
The cocktail party was literally on two sides of a courtyard and the people were divided. Those who didn't get the champagne had to stay on the other side. The way they separated their guests based on importance was appalling.
21. They Were Not Prepared For The Australians
I'm Australian and I married an Italian. Our venue offered an open bar including spirits, here in Italy. You can't really get that in Australia without paying an arm and a leg and there is a reason why.
The Italian wedding planners were not prepared for the Australians. My small army of 20 or so friends drank the equivalent of 300+ people. The venue ran out of spirits and the guy who organized it reckons he made a loss.
Until that day, all the Italians thought I was the most unsteady, unhinged person they had ever met. Then they learned I am the quiet one of the group.
22. Oh, Daddy
I was a guest at a wedding where the Pastor kept saying "Our Heavenly Father, Daddy God" while marrying them. For context, the ceremony was in Hawaii and it was just the couple and the pastor. It was live-streamed on Twitch. The pastor was probably about 25 years old, and he was wearing flip-flops and a lei made of fake flowers.
“Daddy God” became the brunt of many inappropriate jokes after that, among those who watched online.
23. Ooh, Awkward.
At my cousin's wedding, they did the thing where the groom removes the bride's garter and tosses it to all the single guys. I guess none of the guys wanted to be the next one married, because once the groom tossed the garter, no one grabbed it. It just landed on the ground a few feet in front of a crowd of motionless guys.
The groom tossed the garter three times before one guy halfheartedly picked it off the ground. The bride wouldn't look at any of those guys for the rest of the night.
24. Does He Even Exist, Though?
I was invited to a wedding where the bride had met her fiancé online and NEVER IN REAL LIFE. The first time that they would ever see each other was meant to be at the altar at their wedding. Not surprisingly, the dude never showed up. No one seemed that phased by it though.
They were pretty much like, "Oh yeah bummer, his flight got cancelled. We'll just proceed to the reception!" The weirdest part though? They’re still "dating".
25. This Is Actually Really Sad
My mom's fifth wedding was definitely trashy. It was a BBQ grill out. The preacher showed up and shared a brew with the groom. They sat in lawn chairs and insulted minorities for a bit. Then the groom asked if he could say his vows from said lawn chair. My mom said no.
After the vows we had to grill our own food if we were hungry. The groom pulled out his phone and began looking up football scores. My mom sat at the table alone with the cake. I got the heck out of there.
26. BYOB: Bring Your Own Bedding
There is one particular wedding that will always stand out for me. And yes, this is all from one wedding.
First of all, the groom changed who his "Best Man" was and didn't tell the original Best Man until the start of the ceremony. That didn’t go over well. Then, the bride and groom asked a guest to bartend the reception AT the reception. But then it escalated from there.
The groom "dirty danced" with his step-mom—full hands on her rear end. People were mortified. Then the bride and groom hauled their wedding party up to do a choreographed dance to Meatloaf's Paradise by the Dashboard Lights, but didn't give them any pre-warning or teach them the dance—that song is eight and a half minutes long, by the way. So, that felt like a never-ending disaster.
And finally, the wedding was at a scenic boarding school campus during the summer. The guests were told dormitories were complementary to stay in. But what they were not told was that there was no bedding provided, or A/C in the building. You can imagine how uncomfortable it was.
The groom later had the nerve to email everyone who stayed in a dorm asking for money.
27. Not Cool, Man
I went to a classmate’s wedding. They were young—maybe around 22 years old. There is apparently a caking tradition in some parts of the country, where when they cut the wedding cake, the couple feed each other a bit and smear each other’s faces with cake, as a joke. The bride had absolutely made it 1000% clear to the groom that she did NOT want to be caked.
He did it anyways, and not just a small smear. He full-on smooshed the whole slice of cake in her face. And he thought it was absolutely hilarious, too. She was stunned initially, then got up with a face full of cake, yelled, “YOU JERK, I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT," and then ran to a back area in the reception.
The groom tried to follow but the bridesmaids and bride’s mother stopped him. So, he sat at the head table awkwardly while half the wedding party rushed off with the bride. She stayed back there for like an hour. They eventually did let him back there to check on her. We could hear her crying and them arguing.
The rest of the reception came to a screeching halt until one of the bride’s aunts emerged and directed the servers to clear the tables and put on some music. They got divorced two years later.
28. An Almost-Wedding
I went to a ceremony where the bride showed up almost two hours late to her own wedding. It was in Southern California in an open field, with no water and no shade. The guests were quickly losing patience.
She showed up in her yoga outfit, wanting to get married as is. The groom shut it down. But when she refused to change her clothes, the groom decided to leave her looking stupid. He literally left, and they never got married.
We sat there in the blistering sun for hours for absolutely nothing.
29. Pure Cringe
I went to a wedding where the bride and groom sang their vows to each other. Neither had a singing voice, and their vows were pretty awkward and crazy. The autotune microphones were a terrible idea. Their vow songs shared a chorus and it was awful and they expected the guests to sing along with the chorus.
The vows singing lasted 20 grueling minutes. It was pure cringe.
30. Needy Is An Understatement
When I was 11 my cousin got married for the third time. I never really liked her because she was 37 when I was 11, so we didn't have a lot in common, and she was pretty full of herself. The wedding itself was fine, pretty boring but fine. Then we get to the reception.
We were told we had to sit down as soon as we got there. The bride and groom then made a huge dramatic entrance and everyone awkwardly clapped for them as they strutted around the room with actual crowns on their heads. Here’s where it gets weird.
The bride then gets the microphone and hands it to her mom and asks her to say something she loves about the bride. She then tells her mom to pass it on and says she wants EVERYONE in the room to say one thing they absolutely love about the bride. Not the bride and groom, or their relationship. She just wanted to hear what everyone loved about her, the bride.
It was super awkward. When it became my turn I froze, and then said: “Your eye shadow is pretty”.
31. Maybe He Forgot What He Was Doing
I went to a really cringy wedding ceremony. It was not the groom and bride’s fault. But the pastor marrying them talked about his marriage and his kids for 20 minutes. He was obviously going for something of showing what marriage will be like, but he was talking about how his daughter, Kelsey, learned to walk this way, and his other daughter’s first words were this and that. And that he and his wife make love throughout the house because that’s what you do when in love, and so on.
The poor bride and groom had to stand there holding hands for 20 minutes right in front of him as the other 150 of us had to listen about his love life and his kids.
32. How Much Is Too Much?
Some friends of mine went all out for the theme of their wedding. They were inspired by the apple orchard they bought after leaving the city to live a simpler life, and really doubled down on the apple theme.
Apples everywhere: on the tables, in baskets all around the venue, on the podium where they got married. They had pictures of apples hanging everywhere and small fake trees with apples tossed under them.
The dude marrying them had an apple tie on, and there were apples somehow incorporated into every dish for the reception dinner. You guessed it, the cake was shaped like an apple. It was really absolutely bizarre.
They sold the orchard a couple of years later because they had no idea what they were doing. But it’s all anyone can remember about them so they continue to get asked how their apple orchard is doing.
33. He Understood The Assignment
I was the best man at my good friend’s wedding. They married young after she fell pregnant. It wasn’t planned, but they clearly loved each other and it was the right thing for them to do in their eyes.
Anyway, come the wedding day, I’m sat next to the bride’s father at the reception and I can see he’s looking at his prepared speech repeatedly. My stomach drops. I can see phrases like "not ideal," "would’ve preferred not to welcome you into the family in these circumstances," etc.
Just before the groom gets up to give a speech, the bride’s father excuses himself to nip to the loo leaving his speech behind. As the best man, I’m not ashamed to say I swiped it and then pleaded ignorance when he returned. In the end, he stood up and muttered a few words about love and then sat down.
I never told the groom and I’m happy to say they’re still happily married 20 years later.
34. He Ruined Everything
This happened at my niece’s wedding. She told her husband-to-be that she did not want the cake to be smashed in her face. Someone egged him on, so he did it anyway. He full-on shoved the wedding cake in her face and she completely lost it. She never got over it, though. From that point forward, for the rest of the night, she was either in tears or screaming in rage.
The wedding was literally ruined. A lot of people left when it became obvious that it had turned into a horror show. I spent most of the reception outside getting high with various guests young and old, so that was kind of fun. They're still married.
35. Just Keep Smiling, It’s Almost Over
My cousin and his wife are SUPER religious and maybe the two most awkward people I've ever met. At their wedding, they did one of those 'fake out' first dances where it starts with a slow song and then transitions to a dance number with an upbeat song.
Not only is that naturally cringeworthy, the upbeat song was five minutes long and they just kept repeating the same moves over and over for what felt like eternity. Adult beverages were not allowed at the wedding, so there was nothing to dull the pain.
36. It’s All Your Fault
I DJ’d a wedding for a couple that was constantly throwing up red flags as to why I shouldn’t DJ their wedding—for example, asking for a discount in exchange for a positive review; I don’t want your darn fake review.
One of these red flags was when they wanted me to live mix their special dance number. I’m fine with mixing live, it is what I do professionally, but these two were not professional dancers. Honestly, at this point, I can’t even remember what their complaint was.
They did their dance, and although it wasn’t entirely smooth, their family and friends loved it because—get this—their family and friends love them. Immediately after the reception the groom gave me a tip and they both said I did an amazing job.
Cut to the next morning—likely while the bride and groom were still tipsy—the groom emails me with some “constructive criticism” about how I mixed the song for their dance.
A few emails later he starts demanding that I apologize and says that he isn’t going to pay me the balance of what I was owed. He then ghosts me. A few days later, the wedding coordinator contacts me to say that I have to give them a discount because they are so mad at how their first dance went.
These two people, who are not professional dancers, who awkwardly pulled off a terrible first dance with nobody who was present knowing how the dance was “supposed” to look, blamed me for “feeling awkward during their dance”. I just told the coordinator that the bride and groom can keep their money.
37. Let’s Blow This Popsicle Stand
One of the worst weddings I have been to was my cousin’s wedding. The food was really bad. And I mean REALLY bad. Things that were supposed to be warm/hot were ice-cold and completely undercooked.
There was music but nobody was allowed to dance because "we don't want people to dance at our wedding". The dance floor had music and lights but no one was permitted to be on it. We simply had to sit and listen to the music being played.
There were no adult beverages. Not a single drop. It was a completely dry reception—which most people complained about. But the worst thing was the seating arrangement. They didn't plan on families and friends sitting together. I don't know what they were thinking. I was sitting at a table with complete strangers. They even separated our grandparents from each other.
After an hour, my grandmother stood up, walked over to my grandfather and both declared that they were now leaving for the restaurant down the road to have something good to eat and enjoy a real drink. I joined them as well as my parents. It didn't take long for people to notice that our seats were empty.
It was really easy to figure out since nobody was allowed to dance or walk around in general. We quickly got a call from one of my uncles asking where we were at. After we explained why we left he said, "You are right. This is bull," and he said he was joining us. We ended up with 20 guests from the wedding in that small restaurant having a fun evening.
38. He Took That A Little Too Far
The groom gave a speech thanking everyone for coming that devolved in the span of about two minutes into a straight-up roast of his new brother-in-law. They were friends, and the brother-in-law seemed to take it in good humor, but there's only so much implication of “I'm for sure going to be sleeping with your sister tonight” that you can take before it becomes really cringy.
It didn't help that I barely knew anyone there because I was a plus one, and I was also sitting at the table with elderly relatives who were less than amused.
39. Real Classy
My aunt married her third husband in a Waffle House in Atlanta Georgia. They chose the booth where Kid Rock was once put in handcuffs.
40. A Classless Joke
When my cousin got married to his pregnant girlfriend, the bride’s father carried a double-barreled firearm when he walked her down the aisle.
41. Are All American Weddings Like This?
I went to a wedding in the United States with a friend of mine. This was both the bride and groom’s fourth marriages…to each other. They got married four times and divorced three. They picked a dirty motorcycle bar for their venue—but that’s not where I judge.
They were openly giving young children adult spiked drinks, then laughing at them being tipsy! There was no way I could stay to be a part of this, so I asked my friend if I could leave. At the same time, the bride pulled a blade out of her bosom and tried to attack the groom for cheating with a woman while they were divorced.
I’m not sure if this is common in the US, but that’s not typically what happens at weddings where I am from.
42. Oh Em Gee, Should We Get Married?
One of the weddings I went to was the bride's third wedding. There was no bar or toast at the reception because she wasn't 21 yet.
43. He Couldn’t Wait For One More Second
I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness, it's a cult. Dating is only allowed to find a marriage partner and was very monitored to ensure NO premarital touching occurred.
The worst wedding I’ve been to was a small ceremony, it was literally her family, his family, and my family in her grandma's living room. What made it the worst was the triple-X kiss at the end.
The groom wanted the bride inside his mouth BAD—there was tongue in and out everywhere, saliva, and hot breathing—complete with first-date excited touching. Nobody knew where to look for five minutes.
44. This Isn’t Weird At All
I went to a wedding where the officiant used to date the bride and so he gushed about how wonderful she was during the ceremony. He even told the groom not to worry if he ever passes away because he'd take care of her.
45. Facebook Event Official
Some friends of mine invited all their Facebook friends to their wedding and were actually expecting 700 people to show up. Instead, less than 100 showed up, and they were offended.
46. The Trashiest Thing Done At A Wedding
I once attended a ceremony where, instead of throwing rice (or confetti, or sprinkles, or anything like that), the bride and groom asked their friends to save all their empty Juul pods—which is actual trash—and throw those as they walked down the aisle.
The friends happily obliged, and to my surprise, dozens of pieces of garbage were tossed their way.
47. Concession Stand Sammies
I once went to a wedding that was in a public park, which in itself is not an issue at all. But the "reception" was in a small shelter house that was made of cinder blocks and was basically a room attached to two bathrooms…Two public park bathrooms, with all the "atmosphere" you'd expect in such a place.
The wedding was right outside the bathroom, and consisted of the bride's mother ordering us all, while waving her arms like a maniac conductor, to hum "Here Comes the Bride". Strangers were excusing themselves past us to use the facilities.
The reception after was deli sandwiches with Boone's Farm Wine to make toasts, concession style—if you wanted any, you had to pay a dollar.
48. Prepare To Gag
I went to a wedding where the bride had planned to sing a song to the groom after she walked down the aisle. The thing was, she was so nervous—the unthinkable happened. She actually threw up before singing her song, right there at the front of the church. Luckily, she'd moved off to the side to sing as they had set up a separate little stage there.
So, she threw up, sang her song—someone ran in and cleaned it up pretty quickly—and then they did the vows. The funny part is we all kind of moved on, and didn't think about it during the ceremony at all—which went really well—until the kiss. Then the whole crowd groaned in unison.
49. The Guests Were Armed
A long time ago, I ran a brewery taproom and was great at it, and I’d often get asked by regulars to bartend festivals, events, weddings, etc.
One summer I was asked relatively last minute to bartend a wedding the upcoming weekend for a pretty run-of-the-mill couple of regulars, which I naturally accepted. It was not at all what I was expecting. Let me paint you a little picture…
So, the day arrives. The ceremony and reception is at a little venue in Montana that's basically a banquet hall in the woods, so I set up at the bar in the back, get everything in order, and grab a seat in the back assuming that the bar would open up after the ceremony. Not so.
As soon as the guests start arriving, the first stop is the bar. Then the gift table. Then back to the bar for another. This being out in the middle of nowhere, I said what the heck and just kept serving. The ceremony starts, and people are still popping up out of their seats to refill.
At this point, I want to slow things down, but my most frequent customers are the fathers of the bride and groom who are clearly drinking their disdain for each other and also happen to be paying for the booze, so my hands are tied.
The ceremony is thankfully pretty short, as it's pretty clear that both the bride and groom have bought tickets for the struggle bus and the rest of the party's joining them. The photographer insists on doing photos right away since it's also obvious to him that the photos aren't going to be getting better the longer he waits.
He lines them up: bride and groom in the middle. Six groomsmen on the right, five bridesmaids on the left. Wait, where's the sixth? It's the bride's unmarried sister. As I said, it's a small venue. Nobody's left. The two bathrooms are open and empty. They find her—but she's gone rogue.
She's under the gift table crying. She's opened every gift and poorly rewrapped them. Cue sibling screaming match. Now the bride's crying. Okay, clean her up and take the darn pictures. Now it's time for the first dance. I can't remember the song, but it wasn't something appropriate for the occasion, which should surprise nobody at this point.
It doesn't matter though, everyone's more enthralled with the bride and groom who are playing tongue soccer and looking like they might start their wedding night early. The song ends, and they're still making out. The next dance is father-bride, mother-groom. Thankfully, and maybe surprisingly, the same thing doesn't happen.
While this dance is going on, the father of the groom does the oh-so-classy pass-the-hat thing where you throw in money for the couple. People are tossing $50s and $100s and, given the crowd, probably some $1s and maybe some change. This dance ends. The hat makes it back to the groom's father. It's empty. Now the chaos really starts.
The groom's family is accusing the bride's family and vice versa. The groom's family is a bunch of no-good cow doers, apparently. And the bride's family is a bunch of out-of-state poop farmers. The groom's brother decides to be proactive and shove a broom through the door handles of the entrance, pulls out the piece that he's somehow kept in his tux, and says nobody's leaving until the money's back in the hat.
The bride's family is also apparently prepared and, most importantly, armed. The standoff continues until they find out that one of the tipsy guests dumped the hat by the dessert table and the cash got kicked underneath. People drink in celebration of finding the money. Except for the bride, who's puking.
At this point, the drinks are basically gone. So, I tell them my time's up and I’ve got to run in order to open the taproom the next morning—they’re closed the next day, but I needed to get out of there.
The bride's father, who's about 6'5" by 6'5", puts his arm around me and hands me a handful of bills. Not sure about the origin of the cash, I politely decline and tell him that I was just tending the bar out of the goodness of my heart. The father tightens his hug, looks me in the eye, and says, "Is there something wrong with my money?"
Nope. No there isn't. I take the money and get out of there as quickly as I can.
50. He Did Not Just Say That!
A woman friend needed a date for her sister's wedding. Chivalry and all, I went with her. I had met her sister previously and, sorry, but she's as dumb as a mud puddle. And she is Einstein compared to the groom. I had no idea though, that their wedding would be this bad.
They had written their own vows. The bride went first. She said a bunch of spacey, love-on-a-cosmic-astral-plane stuff that made no sense at all. It really was a bad version of a 60's hippy acid trip—no continuity, and absolutely weird.
Then the groom started his vows. It was basically "I really love you" stuff, not too bad, until the end. His big joke finish was "…until FAT do us part!" It was supposed to be the big laugh. He stood there with a big grin, waiting for the audience to laugh.
Instead, all he got was a horrified silence. The bride and groom walked down the aisle. The bride's mascara streamed down her cheeks from crying. The bride's mother’s face was red with fury. At the reception, the mother got stupidly tipsy, and the bride was going from one person to the next apologizing for everything.
The groom is whooping it up, having a good old time, oblivious to everything. The woman I was with was deeply embarrassed by her family until she finally had enough drinks in her to start chuckling a little bit. It was definitely an entertaining way to spend my Saturday night! And easily one of the worst weddings I have ever been to.