Getting hurt is no laughing matter. Even so, sometimes, the cause of the injury is not only funny but downright embarrassing. From being clumsy to doing something they weren’t supposed to, these Redditors share the injuries that made them too ashamed to fess up and tell the truth about what actually happened.
1. A Pile Of Burning Rubbish
I was cleaning up my yard and burning some leaves. I had an old can of smokeless powder and was making trails and piles, just being dumb and having fun. An errant spark from the fire must have gotten into the pile I was making, and the can of powder became a pipe explosive—a recipe for disaster.
It was a rectangular can, but it became a perfect cylinder from the explosion. I sustained third-degree burns on my right arm and leg. My girlfriend at the time (now wife) was about 10 feet away. She turned to me as the smoke cleared with tears in her eyes. I walked toward her saying, “It’s ok...I’m ok”.
She stuttered and said, “Am I ok”? And I told her she was. Thirty minutes later, I was in the hospital, having some of the worst pain of my life. It wasn’t until a few days later that I realized the hospital nurses were on the phone with the local sheriffs, asking questions to figure out if I was making explosives or something.
It didn’t take them long to figure out I was just a moron. I told some people I saved a kitten from a burn pile, others I told it was a baby from a house fire, and a few that it was a plane crash. No one believed me. I told my mom the truth, and she believed me.
2. My Lie Was A Home Run
I used to play recreational baseball in middle school, and we were finally allowed to take the masks off the helmets for batting. I took mine off midway through the season, and evidently, one of the metal washers on the screws got lost in the padding inside my helmet.
A couple of weeks into the season, I ripped a double to left field. The next batter came up and lasered a line drive RIGHT AT the shortstop. I got doubled off because I thought it was over his head. I was pretty mad at myself, trying to get back to second, and I got struck out.
Out of anger, I did the most idiotic thing imaginable. I hit the base with my foot, tripped over the bag, and fell hard, right on my head. That metal washer went about a quarter of an inch into my temple, and I was immediately unconscious.
There was lots of blood, and I had to leave the game and go to the hospital. I got six stitches in my head, but evidently, there were no signs of concussion. A couple of people asked me about the stitches because they had to cut some of my hair to get them in.
Naturally, I told them that it was because I had slid back to second base, head first, and got cleated in the head by the second baseman.
3. Toe To Toe With A Stinger
I'm a huge weenie about stingy bugs, so when a bee got in my hair, I freaked out. I ran toward the house, lost my balance, hit the concrete step of my mom's porch, and fell backward.
My mom was sitting on the porch, and I accidentally backhanded her before crashing to the ground. She was laughing so hard she couldn't help me up, and I was laughing so hard, I couldn't get up.
I ended up breaking my toe. I was super embarrassed for a while and just told everyone I tripped. I eventually got over the shame because it was pretty funny, so I don't lie about it anymore.
4. Far-Flung Fib
I once fell out of bed and cracked my head open on a metal frame. There was blood everywhere. I had to go to the ER and get stitches, etc. I was about six years old, but I still have the scar decades later.
Afterward, my mother changed our beds to safer ones even though we really couldn't afford them. But here's the awful truth: I didn't actually "fall" out of bed. Instead, I didn't want to go to bed, so I flung myself out of it to pretend to be hurt and maybe get to stay up for a short while longer.
5. Steering Down The Wrong Path
When I was in elementary school, we were in recess, and it was hot outside. I either found or took this tiny plastic earring from someone. It was the early-mid 90s, so it was a fully plastic earring, including the post—there was no metal.
I was chewing on it inside my mouth; it was malleable plastic, so it was quite satisfying to chew on. Recess was almost over, and I was showing off, hanging on these boot cleaner bars outside the school doors. I slipped and swallowed the earring, which was red and in the shape of a captain's wheel on a pirate ship.
When I swallowed it, it hurt like nothing I had experienced either before or since. I went running into the school, sputtering and choking a bit. A teacher came racing out to see what was going on, and I kept saying, "I'm choking on something, but I don't know what!"
So, she got me to the water fountain to start drinking. It was a bad lie. I didn't know at the time that she immediately thought, "anaphylaxis", and raced off to phone my mom to come and get me. I ended up going to the hospital with my mom. Then, things got worse.
I was a stupid kid and very embarrassed that I had swallowed an earring that I knew I shouldn't have put in my mouth in the first place. I was 11, and I really knew better. So, I said I had an earring in my hand, I fell down, and I "inhaled it". That was the word I chose to use—inhaled.
Therefore, even though my throat just felt raw by then and I was otherwise fine, everyone was doing their due diligence to find where this darn earring was inside me—my digestive system, lungs, or stuck in my throat.
I had several X-rays, but of course, nothing was found. They told my mom, "this too shall pass," and that was it. It wasn't until years later that I put together the fact that the earring was completely plastic and would not show up on any X-ray.
I remember they asked what kind of an earring it was, what it looked like, and what it was made of. All of my answers were just "I don't know" because I was so freaking embarrassed. It was part of what started my battle with a panic disorder.
6. She Wanted Proof!
When I was 14 years old, I was cycling back home from school and took a shortcut through this big empty car park. I had soccer practice that day and, as a result, had an extra carryall for my kit, which I had foolishly decided to hang off of my right handlebar.
So, thanks to Sod’s Law, the bag started swinging and hit my wheel, jamming it, and I went over the handlebars.
I was lucky and only ended up with a few cuts and bruises—one above my eyebrow—so I had blood trickling down my face. I, being the idiot that I was at that age, decided not to wipe it off and consequently scared the living daylights out of my mom when I got home.
She started in. The interrogation began, and I was bombarded with questions of where, how, why, when, and who. For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to lie and say that I had been hit by a bus. Don’t ask me why I said a bus, and Christ knows why she bought it.
She took me to the main bus station in my town and demanded CCTV footage to show what I had alleged had happened. I knew the road and said it must’ve been in a blind spot. For all of my efforts, I got an iTunes voucher, a guilty conscience, and a fear of road cycling.
7. Blade Of Glory
I have a long scar on my left bicep. When I was younger and attractive girls asked me how it happened, I would tell them I got it during a fight where someone pulled a blade on me. Well, that couldn't have been further from the truth.
In reality, I worked in a market butcher shop when I was in my late teens. Part of my job was to collect all the carving blades from the prep area, put them into a large plastic bin, and carry them behind the deli case to the kitchen to wash.
One time, I was coming back out of the kitchen. I failed to notice that while I was in the kitchen someone had opened the trap door to the basement, which was in my direct path. The plastic bin was obscuring my view. I took one fateful step and tumbled into the basement, with the contents of the bin raining down around me.
Somehow I escaped with only a twisted ankle and the aforementioned wound in my arm, for which I had to go to the ER and get stitches. I'll always remember being dazed, sitting at the bottom of the stairs, looking up, and seeing a meat cleaver embedded in one of the steps.
I could have lost my life. I thought the truth made me out to be a klutz.
8. A Straight-Out Lie
My grandmother noticed a mark on my forehead. It was round and just under an inch in diameter. She asked me what happened, and without missing a beat, I straight up replied, "I burnt my head with my hair straightener". She grumbled that I should be more careful.
What really happened was that I got my head stuck between the back seat and the back armrest of a car, resulting in a friction burn (similar to a carpet burn). But here's the scandalous part: This happened while I was getting busy in the back seat.
9. Bathroom Blitz
I was in high school, taking my morning shower. It was an older house, and the shower was a tiled-in room with a glass door. Being the high school dork that I was, I thought it would be cool if I ninja-elbowed the door open.
The whole door became spider-webbed, and one little piece popped out, leaving me with a nice gash on my elbow. All I could say was, "My hand slipped". The funny part was that about a week prior, my brother had sliced his hand open in the same shower trying to open a bottle of shampoo with a pocket knife.
Neither of us was too bright.
10. The Truth Slipped Through My Fingers
My friend and I were playing Soulcalibur III, and he kept beating me doing some cheesy nonsense. As a result, I got so mad that I punched the wall. I immediately felt a searing hot pain in my pinky, and it was bent to the side but not broken. I panicked and concealed the injury until I could find a better way to pass it off.
Two days later, at football practice, I was at the bottom of a pile with the football in my now bum pinky hand and decided to take my chances. I yelled really loud in pain and said the football had been jammed down into my pinky, and I hurt it really bad.
The coach took one look at my crooked pinky and called my parents to take me to the doctor. It turned out that when I punched the wall, I had torn the tendons in my pinky and needed surgery to correct it.
After the surgery was done, the doctor said that there was more scar tissue than they expected and asked if I might have injured my hand before the football practice. I lied through my teeth and got away with it, although I still can't bend my pinky finger past a certain point!
11. Shark Bait
I was sloshed and walking home at 4 AM. I crossed a few train tracks and came across a two-meter-high fence with tiny cylinders on top. I made the jump because I thought I could, but I fell. After standing up, worrying about my back pain, I looked at my arm—and just started screaming.
My arm was completely torn open and covered in blood because it got stuck on the fence. When I came into the ER, the nurse said she’d seen shark bites before in Australia, and this looked worse. I had 49 stitches and now have a scar from a “shark bite”.
12. Full Of Hot Air
I got my wife an electric scooter for her birthday. The day she got it, we went out for a ride (I was on my electric skateboard). It had recently rained a bit, so the pavement was a little wet, but not too bad as long as you were careful. I got the idea to pretend to pass gas and get a speed boost from it.
So I made the sound and totally accelerated. Since the pavement was damp, my board slid out from under me, and I went down directly in front of my wife. She didn't have time to stop, so she also fell. We both got some scrapes and bruises. Unfortunately, she got it worse than I did.
When telling the story, I've left out the gassy-boost part if it's someone I'm not really close to.
13. Slam Dunk Damage
As a 10-year-old boy, my friend had a mini hoop on his closet door in his room. We would always hurl the ball while playing Super Nintendo or whatever. One day, we started hurling baskets and then had a real one-on-one game with dribbling, scorekeeping, etc.
I went for a dunk and didn't realize the closet door knob was missing; it was just jagged metal jutting out of the door. I remember looking down in horror and seeing my shorts torn open and a bloody gash. I was in shock. The cut was inches from my man parts—it was a close one.
It wasn't bleeding a ton, and I could see fat and other strange stuff. It was a couple of inches long, and I was an idiot 10-year-old. So, I got a bunch of bandages from his house and limped home. I applied Neosporin and bandages for weeks until it healed. I never told my parents and still have the visible scar to this day.
14. The Goal Was To Lie
I was playing soccer with a bunch of friends when I was 12. Since we were all still school kids, one team was usually going to steamroll the other. On this occasion, I happened to be the keeper on the winning team, so I had nothing to do, and I was really bored.
I decided it was a good time to do some pull-ups, so I grabbed the crossbar of the goalpost and pulled myself up. Once I was on top, I stuck out my legs for fun and got them stuck in the net. I ended up falling to the ground. I stuck out my hands to prevent myself from breaking my tailbone.
I eventually found out that I had broken my left wrist, with one of the bones inside the wrist being pushed out of position and slightly fractured. What I told my parents and the doctor was that I was running after the ball and tripped over something, thus causing me to fall face-first and break my wrist.
15. Tinder Tale
I was totally trashed and fell in the parking lot of my friend’s apartment and busted my face wide open at her birthday party. The birthday party just so happened to be the night before a second date with this really cute girl I had met on Tinder. So that story just wasn't going to do.
I went on the date and told the girl that a dog at work had knocked me over, and I fell on my face; she understood. While on the date, some guys came up to me and rudely asked me what had happened to me.
My Tinder date grabbed my hand and made up some story about how I got in a fight defending her honor at a bar or some nonsense. I could hardly keep a straight face while she was telling the story, but she sold the daylights out of it. It wasn’t until a few days later that I told her the real story of how I got hurt.
16. Some Wild Oats
I got a second-degree burn on my hind cheeks. My friends stupidly let it slip during dinner with my mom. I had to quickly lie and say I was taking a bath and didn't check the water because every human gets in the bathtub rear-end first.
I really got the injury from pouring oatmeal which hadn't cooled down into the back of a diaper I was wearing.
17. Out Of Step
One night after I recently moved into a new apartment, my roommates and I decided to have some friends over. As usual, the night was winding down, and a dance battle ensued. This girl and I were going at it while everyone was drinking heavily.
The final song, "Planet Rock", was put on, and she ended her final routine with a split. I, being heavily inebriated and a 5’11’ 280+ lb man, refused to lose, so I just went for it.
I jumped in the air and did a split. It didn't end well. I tore my hamstring and had a bruise larger than a basketball on the back of my leg for quite some time. Everyone was on the floor laughing uncontrollably, and I went on to be the champion.
However, I woke up as a sorry shell of a man. I couldn’t walk the first two days and was limping for the better part of two weeks. I told everyone at work that I fell off my bike due to a patch of ice.
To this day, my friends say it's one of the funniest things they have ever witnessed and tell the tale as often as possible, to my embarrassment. It’s a great story, and I'm not as ashamed as I once was.
18. One Clumsy Cat
I once gave myself a black eye trying to move one of those heavy containers of cat litter. I leaned over to pick it up, and unbeknownst to me, it was actually empty instead of the full 30–35 pounds I was expecting.
I brought it up too fast, and the corner of the container clocked me in the eye. Thankfully, my school and friends know I’m fairly clumsy, so they didn’t really bat an eye at it once I assured them it was just my clumsiness.
19. I Kept A Lid On The Truth
One night, a group of friends and I were walking home from the bars early in the morning. I ran ahead for some reason, and then I needed to pee. I went into an alley between two houses, and it was pitch black. I peed, but on my way back to the street, I tripped on a trash can lid.
I ended up spraining my ankle so bad that a bone in my foot broke, and I had to limp home. But that wasn't the worst part. I was new to this job and had to take the train. I had to walk to and from the train station going up and down a ton of steps. It was a tough couple of weeks.
I told all my co-workers that I hurt my foot playing sports.
20. I Dodged The Truth
I broke my wrist in gym class playing kickball when I was 16 or 17. The grass was wet, the girl on first base was a big and lazy girl, and I was in the shortstop position. So, when I saw a hit go straight along the baseline, I knew what to expect.
The girl didn't even bend down to try and stop it, she just kind of waved one arm at her side. I was running to try and get to it and stopped it with one arm. However, the grass was super wet, and my feet just kept going. I fell down hard and had my left arm behind me to brace the fall.
The only cool part of the story is that I finished out the rest of the game with what should have been a very obviously broken wrist. I went to the gym teacher afterward and asked if I could go to the nurse's office for an ice pack before getting changed. I'll never forget the look on his face.
He was just like, "That's broken!" He flagged a kid to take me to the nurse's office, and after a bit of walking, going up the stairs, and the adrenaline wearing off, I went into shock and fainted. I told everyone in my first few years of college that it happened while playing high school soccer instead of gym class kickball.
I didn't play soccer in high school.
21. Stupid Is As Stupid Does
In high school, I was messing around with some friends in the parking lot after school. I had jumped off the back end of my friend’s car while it was in motion and landed on my foot in a goofy way. I had either broken a bone in my foot or badly sprained it because I couldn't walk on it.
I didn't want my mom to get mad at me for being an idiot, so I wrapped it up every day for a few months to keep it straight and not hurt. The pain eventually went away, but it was a rough few months that I had to fake NOT having a limp.
She never really questioned why I was wearing pants every day during the early summer months, so whatever. I guess I never really "lied" about what happened, just never came forward about it.
22. Chin Up!
When my youngest brother was a few months old, he liked to chew on people’s knuckles to soothe his teething pain. I was about fifteen when he decided my chin was a dope replacement for a knuckle, and I proceeded to let him chew at my chin for a few minutes. I ended up with an enormous dark hickey.
I told people I had fallen off my bike because how does a 15-year-old girl explain she has a hickey from a baby without it coming across terribly?
23. Keeping My Mouth Zipped
I was at a house party when I was about 16 or 17, and there were five of us in the girl’s mom’s bedroom for no reason. Someone checked under her mom’s bed and found about five "toys," adult DVDs, and decks of playing cards with naughty pictures on them. So, we obviously thought it would be awesome to throw the toys at each other.
Unfortunately, I took a big red double-ender right to the eyeball. My eye had a big red blood mark right on the white part. I just told everyone that I hit my eye with my jacket zipper when putting my jacket on.
24. A Stroke Of Luck
I flipped a car end over end when I was 16 years old. I was just being a stupid, irresponsible teenager and going way too fast around an S-curve. When someone stopped to help me, the first thing that came out of my mouth was something about swerving to avoid a deer.
Now stuck with the lie, I had to tell it to the authorities, as well as my parents. The officer wasn't buying it and walked over to the area I said that the deer had been. It was the luckiest moment of my life up to that point. The officer walked back and apologized because he found some deer hoofprints.
25. Roped In
I don't know how my parents never figured this out, but I somehow covered up a laceration from a rope as a muffler burn.
One day I got the lawn mower stuck, and being a dumb 14-year-old, I devised a plan to get it out. I put a bucket of scrap metal in the seat so the weight sensor would let the mower move, and I pushed the sticks all the way forward. I then gave a gentle tug with the four-wheeler via a rope, and the mower came right out.
I had to hurry to stop the mower since it was running away. On my first step off the four-wheeler, I slipped and fell. The mower rolled right past me, and the rope caught my leg before it broke free. Somehow it managed to run over something and toppled the bucket off, which brought the mower to a stop.
How I got out of that without any major injury to me or the mower is beyond me. I spent an hour picking up the nails that fell out of the bucket because they had spilled in the driveway, and I didn't want to cause a bunch of flat tires. I don’t know how I got away with that one, but I did.
26. I Didn’t Touch The Truth With A Ten-Foot Pole
When I was about eight years old, I slid down a playground “fire pole” while wearing a dress. BIG MISTAKE. I basically rug-burned my "downstairs" area. I didn’t tell anyone because I was on a trip with my dad and brother, and I was too embarrassed to talk about my privates to either of them.
So, I suffered through the whole trip, even though I was bleeding. To top things off, when we got home, my dad called me into the laundry room because he had found my blood-stained undies and gave me a talk about wiping properly. He had assumed the now brown-colored blood was poop.
If I ever have kids I’ll make sure they know they can tell mom or dad anything.
27. A Clean Work Of Fiction
Every summer, my college friends and I got together and played a few rounds of disc golf while tipsy, then headed home to grill, go out for dinner, get drinks, or do whatever we felt like. We finished our rounds, and we all headed back to my place.
I had two showers, and there were about 10 of us. The plan was to shower up and then go out for dinner and drinks. Being that most of us used to live together and played college athletics together, team showers were a thing. We wanted to save time, so we put three guys in the shower in my bathroom.
There was nothing inappropriate; we had a system. The guy in the front got to use the water to rinse off, and the back two could lather up and drink brew. Then, the first person would rotate to the back, putting their junk facing the shower wall, and we'd be back to back. I was finished rinsing off and went to rotate to the back.
I was very tipsy and didn't use the wall side of the shower. I realized this a few seconds after rotating back. I panicked and then fell out of the shower, hitting my chin on the rim of the toilet and busting it.
After collecting myself and turning around, I was face-to-junk with two unclothed guys who told me I was bleeding everywhere. A sober friend drove me to the ER, where the nurse asked how I managed to split open half of my chin. I told her I was dancing to bad techno music in the shower and slipped.
I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth that I was rear to rear with two of my friends and then got a face full of ween.
28. A Peppered Reality
The morning after the first time I spent the night with my now husband, he made us egg burritos for breakfast. We started fooling around after eating, and he hadn't washed his hands thoroughly enough to get all the habanero off apparently. As you can imagine, it was a nightmare.
After a couple of days of still being in absolute misery in my lower area, I broke down and called my mom, asking for the doctor’s number. I was 22, so my mother offered to make the appointment for me and asked what was wrong.
Instead of telling her I had slept with a stupid dude who injured my juju in the worst way and I needed to get a full STD screening while I was at it, I told her I thought I had a yeast infection. I had to wait two weeks for the appointment.
I checked in with the nurse, and as soon as she said “yeast infection," I started crying, telling her what actually happened and why I lied. She told me not to worry while trying to keep professional and not laugh. They did what they needed to do and gave me a cream for my chemical burn and an antibiotic for a UTI.
When I got home my mom saw my prescription cream. She instantly freaked out and asked me wth happened. I came clean, and she laughed uncontrollably. The moment my dad walked in the door, she told him, and they both laughed nonstop. Nearly 10 years later, any chance they get, they bring it up and laugh.
I should have just stuck with the lie.
29. I Thumbed My Nose At The Truth
I was sloshed and messing around with my boyfriend when I went to lean back on my hand and switch positions, and I broke my thumb joint. I thought I had just sprained it, so I kept going. The next morning, I woke up, and it hurt so bad I was crying.
So, I went to Urgent Care, and they asked if I was being harmed at home because that type of injury was mostly seen from bending someone’s thumb too far back.
I told the doctor the truth about what happened, and she brought two of her nurses with her as they sat there looking at me in disbelief. To this day, everyone else that I run into thinks I broke my thumb by falling and trying to catch myself. Only my close friends and family know the truth.
30. The Stars Aligned
When I was in ninth grade, I went star-tripping with my friends on an overnight school trip and fractured my ankle when I fell down a hill. My friends had to human-crutch me back to our dorms. I was 5'7", 170 lbs, and built like a football player, whereas both of my friends were about 5' and maybe a buck-oh-five when wet. I also went to a Baptist school.
It was my first year there, and they already didn't like me. I wore a tie the first day to irritate the old-fashioned Dean of Women and almost got detention. Seeing as we were not supposed to be out past 11 PM, and it was now two in the morning, plus all the other stuff, I told my chaperones that I had jumped off the top bunk and landed wrong.
They believed me, somehow, and to this day, I don't know how I got away with it.
31. A Sorcerer’s Tale
I was about four years old, hyped up, chasing my grandma's cat around her house. The cat took a sharp turn. I ran straight into the wall and busted my head open.
It was my parents’ wedding anniversary, and my grandma couldn't get a hold of them, so she took me to the ER, and I got stitches. I was really surprised my big head didn't break the wall. I have a scar on my forehead by my eyebrow. I tell people I defeated Lord Voldemort.
32. Monkeying Around
When I was in kindergarten, I broke my elbow doing something I had been told to stop repeatedly doing. I was running around a large cement planter/bench, and at every corner, I would put my hand on the bench and pivot my body around the turn and run to the next corner.
Teachers kept coming over and telling me to stop, but for whatever reason, I just kept doing it. I ended up breaking my elbow on one of the turns and couldn’t admit that it was from doing what I had been told over and over again to stop doing. I knew exactly what I had to do.
Immediately after sustaining the injury, I went over to the monkey bars, lay on the ground beneath them, and began to scream. To this day, everyone thinks that I broke my arm falling off the monkey bars.
33. Sharp As A Pencil
As a small child, I ran crying and screaming into the living room where my parents were entertaining guests with my thumb sliced open. I told them that I had fallen on the pencil case their kids had brought and landed on the pencil sharpener.
They believed me because it was one of those metal ones that had two different size holes, and not an enclosed plastic one like I usually had. What actually happened was that I saw the pencil sharpener had two holes—one for large pencils—and I wondered if my thumb would fit in it. It did, so I tried to sharpen it.
34. One Big Step To Facing What Happened
I received a horrible brain injury. For two years, I maintained that it was caused by a fall on the stairs. But the reality was so much darker. It was actually caused by a solid punch to the face, which cracked my head back against a brick wall, all of which occurred during a brutal attack overseas.
My parents knew that I had been harmed because I awkwardly and numbly gave them scant details via Skype, insisting that they not make eye contact with me and that they do not ask for details. However, I was too ashamed to admit how bad it really was in more ways than one.
I kept up the "oops, I hit the stairs" lie for a couple of years, but eventually, with the injury acting up and my anxiety steadily worsening, I eventually came clean about it. I cried for a solid hour when I finally explained to my parents and friend what really happened.
As embarrassing as it was, as much as I hated having to explain, I got through it. Sadly, there was no way to honestly explain the circumstances behind my head injury without at least mentioning some details of the incident, which, though mentioned without any explicit details, was still understandably difficult for them to hear and almost physically painful for me to say.
But it was also an immense relief just getting that off my chest. I remember thinking how strange it was that I could actually breathe properly again after I came clean about what happened. The pressure and anxiety had been choking me.
35. Frenulum Fiction
I was seeing a girl for some time. She was an athlete and could seriously handle me in the sack tenfold. One night after she returned from practice, she came back extremely frisky. I was 18 at the time, and I never turned her down.
We went at it in the bedroom when all of a sudden, she moved up too high, and her tailbone landed on me like a hammer. The pain was simply awful, and there was a fair bit of blood coming from my member. It turned out that she cut my frenulum or banjo string.
After two months, it hadn't fully healed, mainly because I was 18, and I would still get busy through the pain, which didn't allow it to heal correctly. As a result, I had a pretty thick scar that is still there now.
Obviously, I didn’t want to tell my new partners why I was deformed, so I tended to tell them I got booted in my balls while playing rugby, and that was the result. The funny thing is, any new partners who I have told this story to have actually been more turned on by the fact I have a scar.
So, technically, the incident turned out to be a godsend.
36. A Close Shave
When I was about eight, there was a razor lying on the bathroom counter. My stupid eight-year-old self looked at it and thought, "Hey! Why don't I try to shave my arm”. So I grabbed the razor, and it slipped out of my hand and cut my finger—badly. There was blood everywhere, and I was freaking out.
There was no way on earth that I was going to tell my mom that I used the razor, so I came up with a brilliant plan. I turned the water from the shower on and got in the shower. I then proceeded to cry until my mom walked in and asked what happened.
I explained that while turning on the shower, the shower handle cut me, and I started bleeding. My mom cleaned up my finger and said that she would fix the shower handle so that it didn't happen again. I was very proud of myself, knowing that I got away with it.
However, the joke was on me though, because a year later, my mom revealed to me that she knew what happened the entire time and didn't say anything. I also still have a scar on my thumb from the razor.
37. A Sleepytime Tale
I cut my thumb right open. It was straight to the bone, and it was horrible. I told everyone that I was cutting a lime at four in the morning because I was craving sparkling water with lime and salt, and I cut the lime wrong, and that's how it happened. In reality, I cut the lime fine.
However, as I was squirting it into my glass, I dropped the whole lime in. My half-asleep 4 AM mind thought let me jab this lime with this blade. So, I grabbed the glass with my hand, angled it towards me, and as I jabbed the lime, the whole glass flew off of my hand, and the edge of the blade sliced my thumb right open.
I only told my girlfriend how it actually happened, and she debated our relationship for a good while before she decided to continue it.
38. Locked In A Lie
I got a boxer's fracture when I was in high school. I have seven screws and a plate in my right hand and a pretty gnarly scar. My knuckles also don't look quite right. I tell people I broke it falling off my bike, although, In reality, it was at our high school's "Lock-in" for graduation. All the high school seniors were stuck in the school.
It was an attempt by the school to tire us out the weekend of graduation in order to "keep us safe" so no one would go out, get inebriated, and get into a car accident the night before graduation since that had happened a few times at my school.
There was food, events, movies in some classrooms, etc, and even a mechanical bull in an inflatable pit! There was a smaller workout room where they had a driving activity. There was an adult-sized tricycle and a pair of glasses that simulated what visual plane you would see if you had been drinking.
I made it one time around the quarter-mile track and went to take the bike back to the main door. I got thrown off by the glasses and ran clean into the corner of the brick wall. Because my hand was around the handlebars of the bike, my hand just got destroyed.
Apparently, it was such an intense spiral fracture that my hand surgeon had to consult several studies on hand surgery prior to my surgery.
39. Crunch Time
When I was pretty young, we were all at my grandma's house for a get-together. My cousins and I were racing around on little ride-on cars—those classic ones that you have to propel with your feet—and I fell over the front and landed, split leg, right on the handle.
I immediately dropped and started crying, having been in what I recall as my first family jewel injury. My whole family (aunts, uncles, grandparents, and parents) rushed over to my aid and asked where I was hurt. Although I was a sniffling mess at the time, I was also too embarrassed to tell the whole family that I had crunched my balls.
So, I just told them that I hurt my stomach. For the next 10 minutes, my grandma was holding ice on my stomach, asking if it was feeling any better.
40. Spine-Tingling Sham
On a weekend when I was about to start a new job, I had woken up early with a hangover and was planning to indulge in some illicit substances to help me relax and get back to bed. I was being extra lazy, so I was sitting on the bed and leaning over.
I twisted my body from the opposite side of my nightstand because getting up was too hard for some reason. I happened to cough unexpectedly at that exact moment and heard a loud pop in my back.
It turned out I had just torn a ligament in my lower spine. I couldn't move for the rest of the day. I already had back problems, so it didn’t surprise me that my back muscles were that weak so as not to be able to handle a cough, but it was still extremely pathetic. I told my friends the real reason so they could laugh at my expense.
However, at work, I said I was lifting something heavy or something simple like that. Luckily the sprain wasn't that bad, and I got to sit for most of my first week, but I was panicking at first since I was in so much pain. I learned my lesson.
41. Full Of Beans
When I was in first grade, I stuck a bean in my ear. The class was really boring, and we had been using beans—probably for some math exercise—so I was just fiddling around with them. I stuck the bean in, then tried to get it out, but I couldn't reach it.
It hurt a lot, so I went to the nurse and feigned ignorance. The nurse used the ear thingy to look into my ear. I don’t know why, but she didn't see the bean and decided it was an ear infection. My mom picked me up and took me to an ear, nose, and throat specialist.
Naturally, they pretty much immediately noticed that there was something stuck in my ear. They struggled to figure out how to get it out, and the nurse had the idea to use the irrigation machine and water pressure to force it out. It worked like a charm.
My mom said that I claimed I didn't tell her because I didn't want to get in trouble, but I distinctly remember being embarrassed at my stupidity.
42. A Double-Edged Sword
My friends and I used to be obsessed with medieval fencing, which is a rich term to use for what we were doing. One day, we had gathered enough steel to run a four-man bout. Predictably, someone was hurt; it was me. So we drove to the hospital, and I checked in with a flashy cut on my hand that needed eight stitches.
My doctor/professor dad happened to have a running feud with our hospital. So, when I told him I had my hand cut by a blade in our sink, he was flat-out dejected by my going to our hospital and didn't think to examine the lie.
Meanwhile, I was close to losing my left thumb to a sword wielded by my best friend. It didn't hurt too bad, but I felt some emotional distance from my dad. He still doesn't know.
43. Ice Cream Cover-Up
I fractured my toe because I was running into the kitchen trying not to get caught eating in the living room and fell up one stair. Like many parents, mine did not like my sister and me eating on the couch. Well, one day, my sister and I were chilling, watching TV, and eating ice cream out of the carton since we got home from school early.
Usually, my parents got home at 4 PM, but not on that day. We were watching TV, and I heard a doorknob jiggle. I muted the TV and asked my sister, "You hear that?" I, being so young, really couldn't imagine my parents being home so early; breaking routines didn’t make sense to a middle schooler.
However, on that day, they did. So, my sister being the genius she was, hid the ice cream next to the couch out of view, but my dumb self was eating my mom's favorite ice cream, so it needed to be returned. I made a mad dash for the kitchen—and it ended in disaster.
I sprinted from the couch to the fridge, slammed my toe into the front of the only stair connecting the living room to the kitchen, fell, and dropped ice cream all over the floor. Somehow my mom ended up dropping her keys or something that gave me enough time to lazily clean the floor with the nearest rag and return the ice cream.
All of that happened in about 20 seconds because I do not know how she didn’t catch me. I ended up having football practice later, and I was limping everywhere for at least a month or two. My mom asked me what had happened, and I told her I had hurt my toe at practice since the season had just started.
She never believed that I hurt my toe and thought that I was just faking it, which was fine—as long as she believed I wasn't eating in her living room.
44. Double Decker Deception
When I was about 15, I was dared to punch a pole for 50 bucks. I have no idea why I took the dare, I guess I thought it was an easy $50. I proceeded to punch the pole, and it didn’t really hurt too much. Later in the day, my hand started to swell pretty badly with major throbbing, and I was worried I broke it.
So, I had to tell my parents how it happened, and, of course, I lied. I was truly embarrassed and scared of how they would react. I told them that I was running from a friend and fell on my hand, which my parents believed. However, my brother was there when I took the bet, and he then told them the truth, which made me really angry.
I had terrible anger management at that age, so I punched a door in my house with my other hand. What a huge mistake that was. The same thing started to happen to that hand as well. My parents took me to my primary care physician, and he told me that I had broken my metacarpal bone in both hands.
I ended up with both hands in a cast for about six weeks. It makes me cringe when I look back on it because it was such an embarrassing moment in my life. And trying to lie about the situation just made everything worse.
45. Jumping To Conclusions
One time, I was sloshed, walking home from the bar, and I decided to climb the maintenance ladder of the local Valero gas station on the way home. The ladder was six feet above the ground. You had to get a moveable ladder propped up beside it to climb it properly, but I decided to jump to the first rung and go on up.
I got maybe three rungs up before I lost my balance, slipped, and landed face-first on the concrete. The next day when people asked me what happened, I just told them I got into a fight.
46. Milking It
I was trying to open a milk jug, but the safety seal made it next to impossible. So, I took a blade to try and cut it open. However, the blade went straight through the safety seal and straight into my left finger. I had punctured myself by opening milk, but I told everyone I had sliced it by cutting onions instead.
47. An Exercise In Deception
Several years ago, I had a laparoscopic appendectomy, and they used medical glue to suture the incisions. I was discharged and sent home. My then-girlfriend was staying with me, doting on me, and taking care of me. I was told not to do any vigorous exercise or anything requiring lifting for four to six weeks.
She was a wonderful girlfriend at the time, and we decided that I should have enjoyment in bed during my recovery. One thing led to another, and we got it on. But we were a little rougher than we should have been, and it popped two of the glue sutures.
We had to go to the ER again and tell the on-call doctor that my wounds opened up again while "stretching, getting my cardio up". They re-glued them and told me to avoid "strenuous activity". The ER nurse saw my girlfriend all concerned, and I bet the nurse knew.
48. Spinning My Wheels For An Excuse
An ex-boyfriend and I can get a little rough in bed. Granted, it was a little harsher than I preferred, but it wasn’t unbearable or anything. He suddenly stopped a few minutes later, eyes wide in awe, and asked, “Did I do that”? I replied, “Do what”?
He told me, “Your face is all bruised”. I told him it was fine and that I would look at it later, dismissing it. Later came around, and I looked in the mirror. My jaw DROPPED.
I saw a purple handprint outlined across my cheeks; even the lines of his hands were painted on my face in broken blood vessels. My parents didn’t know I was dating him, and they certainly didn’t think I was involved with anyone, especially like that.
On my way home, I stopped at Ulta and got color-correcting makeup, piled it on using the mirror in my car, and wore my hair down and slightly over my face.
My parents could still see some bruising, though, and when they asked what happened, I told them, “I was driving home from work and dropped my water bottle. It started to roll as if it was gonna get in the way of the brake pedal, so I bent down to grab it. While I was still kind of bent down, a cat ran into the road, and when I slammed on the brakes, I hit my face on the wheel”.
49. Quite The Load Of Bull
My best friend in high school, for some reason or another, thought that if he didn't poop, eventually his body would just absorb or digest 100% of the waste matter and make it into energy. Admittedly for about the first three to five days, it was a painful battle, but he was able to keep it all inside him.
After that, the pains he would feel sort of went away. A week or two later, we went to Costco for lunch. While we were at a table eating, I saw a look of agonizing pain go across his face. He said he had to go to the bathroom and that he would meet me outside.
He knew that, at that moment, his experiment had failed and that the time to release the poo was now. He got to a stall and started to push, except it wasn't all coming out.
It had started normally enough, but very quickly, his coil grew in diameter, and he couldn't push it past his rim anymore. He found out later that what had happened was that his poop had essentially dried up and hardened inside him, forming a "reverse plug situation".
Knowing that this wasn't going to come out on its own, he somehow managed to crabwalk from the toilet to the sink. He took the mirror off the wall, placed it on the floor, squatted over it, and for sanitary concerns, wrapped his hands to his elbows in toilet paper.
At that point, he assumed the position, grabbed on with both hands and with a forceful push/pull technique, released the plug of pressure and everything else that had built up behind it, and instantly passed out.
After almost an hour of waiting in the Costco parking lot, I went to the customer service desk and informed them that my friend had been in the bathroom for a long time and that maybe someone should check on him. I was greeted with a very odd look by an old lady at the counter, who then followed me to the restroom with a set of keys.
I opened the door—and made the most disturbing discovery. I found my best friend face down on a mirror, pants around his ankles, blood, and poo EVERYWHERE, with half of his arms wrapped up like a bad mummy costume on Halloween. Needless to say, paramedics were called.
He had a concussion from hitting the floor and needed multiple stitches in his behind. Then, he had to explain to his parents, doctors, and Costco managers what had happened and why he thought not pooping was a good idea.
However, because I was a good friend, when everyone asked why he wasn't at school for a week, I said we got tipsy off of a taste of every bottle in my parents' booze cabinet, climbed a tree in my backyard, fell, and landed on the fence. This is the first time I've ever told anyone the actual story.
50. Sticking To My Story
I was driving along at night and wanted to use some nasal spray I had bought earlier for my hay fever. I reached into the glovebox, got the bottle out, and while driving along, took a big hit of the nasal spray. I immediately felt an overwhelming burning sensation in my nostril and had to pull over.
Through teary eyes, I checked the nasal spray, thinking it must have expired or something. I then realized that I'd picked up a bottle of super glue and honked a good squirt up my nose. I told my missus when I got home that I'd hurt my nose in the gym because sniffing glue is not something you tell people.
Sources: Reddit .
