The Dumbest Of The Dumb

Not everybody CAN be the sharpest tool in the shed or the brightest bulb in the drawer, and most people have to settle for being simply mediocre in the IQ department. Then…there are these people. The absolute Olympians of incredibly stupid behavior. The dullest of the dull, they give new meaning to the phrase “bird-brained.” Buckle up, because this is one wild ride.


1. Tea Time

This was probably one of the stupidest people I’ve ever met. He was a 26-year-old male and turned up an hour and a half late the first day for work. He was brought in by his mom, which I thought was kinda odd for a grown man. I let that slide…but then things just got worse. It was a small roadside cafe/eatery, so I thought I’d get him started on small duties to ease him into the way of the place.

I asked him to put new toilet paper in the toilets. A minute or so later, I hear him yelling “HEEEYYYYY, it won’t fit on the toilet roll holder!” I’m like what? That’s a pretty simple thing. He calls out again so I tell him to bring it to me so I can show him. That’s when I realize he’s carrying a roll of paper towel; it’s almost three times the length of the toilet paper holder.

I say, “That is paper towel.” “No it’s not” “Yes, it is! Have you ever seen toilet paper that big in your life?” “Uh…no” “Right, furthermore, and probably more perplexing—can you not see that this massive roll couldn’t possibly fit on this small bar?” “Yeah, I thought that was odd.” Oh boy, well, the day goes on and after the kitchen is pretty much closed except for pre-cooked baked goods, I get him to give a general clean and ask to make sure he wipes down all the benches.

I leave him to it as I assume he’s doing fine. I found out my mistake far too late. One of the other staff comes and says we’ve run out of toilet paper, and I’m like what? That’s not possible. Sure enough, all the packs are torn open and empty except for the rolls on the holders. At this stage I realize there can only be one culprit, and call the guy over.

“Did you do something with the toilet paper?” WHAT IS WITH THIS GUY AND TOILET PAPER? “Yes, I used it to wipe down the benches in the kitchen” “You used EIGHT rolls of toilet paper to wipe down the benches in the kitchen?! WHY are you using toilet paper to wipe down benches?” “I don’t like using the dishcloth” “WHO taught you to wipe down benches with toilet paper? Have you ever seen anyone wipe down benches with toilet paper?”

“The cloth was dirty and I didn’t want to clean it out.” By this stage I’m thinking, day’s nearly over, just let it go and I’m sure it will work out fine…yeah, you know what’s coming. He strikes again, and this time, it’s beyond moronic. So I’ve got him on serving customers pastries and the like because all you have to do is take it out of the glass bay, put it on a plate, and give it to them.

He doesn’t even have to ring it up, just pop on plate and give. Well, one of the customers’ orders three scones with jam and cream. He’s behind the counter doing his thing and I have a little peek and see, yes, he’s cut them in half and managed to put jam and cream on them. About a minute later, the customer brings the scones back up to the counter.

“There’s something really hard in these scones, I bit down and it was like crunching on a rock or something” Of course I’m puzzled “Oh, I’m really sorry about that—” when the guy cuts in: “It’s probably just the seeds in the jam.” There’s something about the way he says this that makes my alarm bells ring. “Show me what you put on these scones.”

I start marching toward the prep bench, and sitting on the bench is the bowl of whipped cream…and next to it, in a plastic bag, is a broken glass jar that contains the jam. This idiot is feeding the customer broken glass. “I didn’t think it would be a big deal.” “Are you insane?!” I grab the plate of mostly uneaten glass-infused scones.

“How is anyone supposed to eat this?” To my utter—utter—amazement, he proceeds to EAT THEM, in front of me, all the while crunching on glass and flinching every time he does. I’m paralyzed dumbfounded. When he finishes eating them he says, “Do you think I should go to the hospital?” I could only reply: “You’re fired.” I will never forget this until my last day.

LazerMoonCentaur

2. Can’t Teach An Old Dog New Tricks

I work a pet grooming shop, and a client just called for the price of a bath and nails. I ask what kind of dog. She says, “I don’t know what it is now, but when it grows up, it’s going to be a black Lab.” I was dumbfounded, literally. I ask her how old it was. She said it was three months, so I’m thinking maybe 20 pounds max, so I tell her maybe $20-$25.

I swear to God, the lady brings “Red” in, and he is a POMERANIAN, a POM. I said, sorry but this is a Pomeranian, and she tells me, “Well, I know it’s going to be a black Lab because I have papers at home.” I pulled up pictures of Labs and Poms on the computer and I still think she believes it’s going to be a black Lab. I’m going home to drink.

WeAreDestroyers

3. Mucho Macho Man

When we were all younger and dumber, one of my closest friends married the craziest man I’ve ever met. Let’s call him Kevin. My friend had just come off of a very bad relationship that she’d been certain was going to end in marriage, when in reality the guy was cheating on her while using her to support his wannabe pro-golfer existence. He then dumped her when someone with more money came along.

So she was in a bad place. A few months later, Kevin appears. The first time I met Kevin was when the two of them showed up at my apartment to announce their engagement. Since I’d met the previous guy that she was “seriously” dating just a month before, I know they couldn’t have been seeing each other very long. Turns out, Kevin proposed five weeks after their first date.

Maybe she was a bit of an idiot for saying yes at that point, but like I said, bad place. It’s hard for me to accurately describe Kevin without dipping into being mean. Because I never liked him from that first meeting. It was like he really wanted to be one of those hyper-masculine manly men , but didn’t quite know how. He liked to take any opportunity to bring up in conversation that he was a black belt.

I remember the first time he said it because I asked, “Oh, yeah, in what?” And he looked at me like I was an idiot. “In martial arts.” Oh. Right. Of course. He also would talk, at length, about how much he worked out (turns out, he didn’t actually work out at all). Welp, it only went downhill from there. He liked to think of himself as a car guy, because he had a sports car he couldn’t afford and treated it like his baby.

He didn’t actually know anything about cars, but he had one. So, car guy. But the thing that really got up my nose about the guy was that he prided himself on how very smart he was. He’d make the most outrageous claims with the most pigheaded certainty. He just knew these things were true, and if you disagreed, even if you showed actual physical proof that he was wrong, he’d just condescendingly tell you that you didn’t understand these things like he did and go on with his idiocy.

Just as an example, he once declared that you can’t break the law at night. What exactly does that mean? We still don’t know. He wouldn’t elaborate. As a second example, he had trouble getting a fire going in their fireplace when he was home alone one day. His solution was a total disaster. Mix up some homemade napalm from a recipe he found on the internet. It set the kitchen on fire.

Luckily my friend arrived home in time to grab the fire extinguisher. Yet he insisted doggedly that he knew what he was doing, and really this was the best way to get the fireplace going, and obviously she just didn’t understand because she didn’t know as much about this stuff as he did. There’s one last important thing to know about Kevin before we get ’round to the divorce I promised.

Kevin was a religious nut. I don’t mean he was crazy because he was religious. I’ve known many wonderful, intelligent religious people in my lifetime. Kevin was a crazy person who used religion as his MO. He would randomly proclaim, “The Bible says…” to support whatever other crazy thing he’d said. Most people let him get away with it, because heck the Bible is really long and says a lot of crazy stuff.

Who could say that, somewhere in there, it didn’t actually say whatever insane thing he was claiming? And besides, who wants to confront crazy? Even when the claim was something insane like, “The Bible says that birds are of the devil.” (Yes, this is a thing he said one day when he was angry at birds for some reason). I was raised going to church twice a week, once upon a time.

So I knew a bit about that particular book, and I had a pathological need when I was younger to call people on their lies. So we often butted heads. Unsurprisingly, when confronted, Kevin could never actually tell you where in the Bible it said you shouldn’t take the first slice of pizza (yep, he said that too), but it didn’t decrease his certainty that it was in there.

So, as anyone but the two of them could have predicted, the marriage didn’t last. Only, it was so much darker than we knew. He became increasingly erratic, forbidding her from speaking to friends, including me, because, “the Bible says so.” Hitting her, because the Bible says she has to do whatever he says and that he’s allowed to beat her if she doesn’t, stuff like that.

So she left…and here is where the wackiest stuff begins. She gets a lawyer to initiate divorce proceedings, and the first thing that comes up is the house. They bought the house from his parents. More precisely, she bought the house from his parents. He had terrible credit. As a result, his name wasn’t on anything related to the house. He also had no job.

Meaning he’d never made a single payment on the house. As far as she saw it, the house was hers. His mother, who came into town to support her son through his misfortune, didn’t see it that way. Their reaction was completely cruel and unhinged. They declared that the house still belonged to the mother and threw all of my friend’s stuff out on the lawn.

Friend’s lawyer gets a preliminary hearing date set up, to determine the initial dispersion of important stuff like the house, at least until the divorce proceedings get all sorted. So Friend’s lawyer says to Kevin, have your lawyer contact me to set up a meeting before the hearing. A meeting is set up, and who arrives at the lawyer’s office but Kevin, dressed in jeans and a windbreaker, claiming to be, “Mr. Steele, the lawyer.”

I kid you not. He decided he’d be his own lawyer and he’d call himself Mr. Steele (not his name). I don’t know how the initial meeting went, but when the time for the hearing came, Kevin was once again acting as his own attorney. This time I can only assume he wasn’t working under a pseudonym. Keep in mind, the rest of this is totally going off of her story to me immediately after the hearing.

Kevin and his mother arrive 20 minutes late, not at all dressed for court, casual jeans and shirts. The first thing he says when he walks in is, “Can I approach the bench?” “Why?” The judge asks. “Because I have some receipts.” So Friend gets called to the stand. Her lawyer asks a bunch of questions illustrating just how crazy Kevin is and how bad things had gotten and about the house and stuff.

Then Kevin, since he’s the lawyer, gets to cross-examine. His first question. “Is it not true that you were beaten as a child?” Her lawyer, “Objection.” The judge, “Sustained.” The question had nothing to do with anything. Other questions included, “Is it not true that you were seeing a psychiatrist and on medication for depression?” “No. It’s not true.”

She’d never seen a mental health professional. Not sure if he thought he might trick her into lying on that one or if he was so crazy that he actually thought it was true. But he was his own worst enemy. He asked a bunch of other ridiculous questions, which her lawyer let him ask because they were completely out of nowhere and just helped prove to the judge how nuts he was.

Then he takes the stand. Her lawyer gets him to admit to pretty much everything they said he did, because it was all true, but he refuses to give specific answers to some of the more serious questions. Not no. Just doesn’t want to give specifics. Then he gets to make a statement. His statement is how he doesn’t want a divorce and also she was abusive to him, such as “peenching” him once when they were on the highway.

Also, the Bible says that she’s his wife. So she has to do whatever he wants, and that divorce is bad. How can the judge make them get a divorce when the Bible says not to? Apparently he went on in this vein for a while. She just gave me a couple of the highlights. Needless to say, the initial hearing did not go his way. She ended up getting the house in the short term and a protective order against him after he admitted in court to his mistreatment of her (“the Bible says it’s ok, though!”).

After this he dragged his feet at every point of the process. For more than six months, he wouldn’t show up to things or would refuse to sign things until the last possible moment. He moved to a different city and apparently joined the Army reserve. This was also a big problem. When Friend found out about this, her lawyer contacted someone there to point out that he wasn’t allowed to be around weapons something like that because of the protective order.

The lawyer even contacted him and offered to drop the protective order so he could stay in if he’d just agree to finish the divorce proceedings in a timely manner. Kevin refused. In the end, he got pretty much nothing and quietly disappeared.

datalaughing

4. Round And Round In Circles

My dad and I were downstairs in the living room where the landline was kept. The landline rang and my mom (5’ tall, chubby Asian lady) comes barreling down the stairs at top speed. The phone stops ringing. She goes back upstairs. A minute later, the same thing: phone rings, she bolts down the stairs, phone stops, she goes back upstairs, this time audibly annoyed by the mystery caller.

After this happens for the third time in 10 minutes, we ask her what the heck was going on. Turns out she was unknowingly calling the landline from her new cell phone. Then, upon hearing the phone ring, she was hanging up her cell and running downstairs to grab the phone. We haven’t been able to figure out why she dialed the landline number in the first place. She didn’t have an answer for that one.

alrightthenokay

5. Speaking In Tongues

Austrian here. My sister used to take in couch surfers from all across the world. Most were lovely fellas with interesting stories to tell. But one time, we hit the jackpot. We got a set of four American stereotypes. The ones that I used to think were only real in movies. One of them was an air-headed cheerleader who was one heck a pain in the behind.

Since they’re not relevant to the story, I won’t go into detail about how rude and obnoxious this girl behaved during the days leading up to the event, but let me tell you, at this point, even her friends were done with her. Anyway, it’s New Year’s Eve and the couch surfers decide to stay with us instead of going out into the city. My sister and I go about our New Year’s celebration the same way we always do.

We’re having fondue, dancing to “The Blue Danube” and watching Dinner for One. Midnight comes and goes and within less than five minutes, the cheerleader takes her laptop to the other room to video call her parents, leaving the door open. The words that came out of her mouth made my jaw drop. She starts complaining loudly about how my sister and I are “embarrassing.”

She also talks about how “that Austrian food we had suuuucked” (as much as I would love to claim fondue for our cuisine, the French would likely be opposed), how “the mountains looked fake” and whatnot. My sister and I were in the living room with the others, perfectly able to hear every single word while her friends turned red as tomatoes and started giving us apologetic looks.

Cue her return, marching into the living room with the carefree attitude. Her friend: “Uhmm…we heard you. All of us.” Her: “Sooo whaaat? I was talking Americaaaaan.” My sister and I just looked at each other and started laughing so hard, it took us a few minutes to calm down. She had been talking to us every single day in English, but somehow that was different in her world.

Her friends apologized profusely, but the cheerleader did not because she just couldn’t believe (even when we told her) that, yes, we do understand “American.”

Schattentocher

6. Just Call Me Mrs. Clean

So Lisa was one of my best friends growing up. More due to proximity, as she was the nearest neighbor my age. Sweet and funny, Lisa was also not the brightest bulb. When she was born, she had blonde hair. Naturally, it darkened with age. Lisa hated that, so she tried Sun-In. Her hair turned tangerine blonde. She hated that even more. So I suggested she bleach her hair, as in hair dye. It went so, so badly.

I probably should have been more specific, in retrospect. In any case. Lisa was excited. She said she was going to do it that night and go super blonde. I was relieved and excited for her, as I thought I was about to finally hear the end of the seemingly never-ending hair saga. I went over to her house the next day. There were tears in Lisa’s eyes, as her mom was cutting off her hair in uneven clumps.

Bright blonde bits were strewn across the floor like some weird, broken halo. My mind was racing, struggling to figure out what led us here. Did she use too much dye? Leave it on too long? Forgot to wash out the Sun-In and some weird reaction occurred…? I asked her if she was okay and what happened. Her answer stunned me into silence.

Through a mix of what was now streams of snot and those kind of tears you only get from ugly crying, she said, “I did what you said. I used bleach. And now my hair is ruined!!!” While Lisa glared at me balefully, the pit of my stomach dropped from a mix of guilt and fear. Guilt that I’d apparently destroyed my best friend’s hair and fear that Lisa couldn’t handle this existential hair crisis, as she was already super self-conscious about her looks.

As she continued to glare at me from under patches of hair that increasingly looked like a three-year-old’s efforts of cutting Barbie’s hair, I struggled with what to say. Finally, I stammered and mumbled in front of her mom, ‘“I’m so sorry. I didn’t think this would happen..”’ Now, they were both glaring at me. Great. There was a long pause as my mind raced about what could have gone wrong.

I bleached my hair all the time and it never looked like this. What could have gone wrong…? Was it the brand…? After what seemed like hours of watching Lisa in absolute misery and just wanting to hug away my best friend’s tears, I asked “Lisa, I’m just sooo sorry.” Maybe it was the brand or something? What brand did you use?” “Clorox,” Lisa replied. Yes, she used household bleach.

katpoker666

7. Here For A Bad Time, Not A Long Time

A few years back, one of my husband’s fraternity brothers, Chad, stayed with us for a long weekend so he could attend some reunion-type thing. Since hubby and I had a long-standing family obligation on Friday night, Chad was left to his own devices in the house. I knew this wouldn’t end well, but I was expecting get the dog high-type antics. It went worse than I could have ever imagined.

Chad went in the freezer for some ice cream, or maybe he was just being nosy. Anyhow, he saw some unlabeled tablets in a blister pack and decided they were drugs. Why? Who knows what goes on in the mind of a Chad. Hubby and I aren’t the types to have anything stronger than Advil in the house. Regardless, he popped a couple. After an hour or so of nothing happening, he decided to take four more.

When we got home, Chad informed us that we’d better ask for a refund because those pills in the freezer were duds! What pills? The ones in our freezer? That’s cheese curdling enzymes called rennet. I’d been going through a phase of learning to make my own cheese. Rennet is a necessary ingredient that comes in that form and is best stored in the freezer.

It absolutely will not make you high. In that quantity, it will cause severe gastric distress best not observed in nature. I will never forget the sounds that came from the bathroom all Saturday. Don’t take mystery pills from the freezer, Chad. They’re not all gonna be party favors.

sunnykl

8. Love A Man In Uniform

This guy named Neil is a bass drum in our marching band. In addition to his former band felonies (always being late to rehearsal, not knowing how time signatures work, dropping his drum on a daily basis), Neil has committed a new and worse crime. After 12 hard years of constant fundraising, our band finally bought new uniforms to replace our old ones from the 90s.

These were not cheap. Each uniform came with a cost of about $1,000, not including the price for hats, gloves, and shoes. Because of the new uniforms, our band director drilled into us the no eating in uniform rule, a simple enough rule to follow especially if we heard it dozens of times a day. Our last competition of the year was in a large football stadium, and due to some timing issues we wouldn’t be allowed to take our uniforms off between our performance and when we had to leave.

Therefore, we would all have to wait an hour or so until we could get back to the bus and eat the dinners we had packed. Neil had a different, much more destructive idea. Apparently he had shoved money in his uniform before performing and used it to purchase a large serving of barbecue chicken wings. He then proceeded to eat them in uniform, and was completely clueless to the giant orange stain going down the entirety of the front of his white uniform until my band director saw and freaked out.

Needless to say, it was a fun time and he was extremely confused as to what he did wrong. Hopefully the dry cleaners can fix it, or our band is down a $1,000 uniform.

myheelswillcrushyou

9. Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Oh the stories I have. I think my husband could be the king of all idiots. One of my favorites is when he wanted to remove his back hair but no one was around to help. He is not a hairy person at all but when he gets something in his head he can’t stop thinking about it. His great idea was to get Nair body hair remover, spread it on the bathroom floor and lay in it.

I can picture all 6’4” 300+lbs of him doing Nair angels in our bathroom. He gets in the shower and rinses it off and then goes about his day. Went to a work appointment, worked out at the gym, then picked up the kids from school. While walking out, our son asked a question that made him stop in his tracks. He asked why he had a bald spot in the back of his head.

Oh my God. He got Nair in his hair and had a perfect bald shaped 3 on the back of his head. After a few more days more hair fell out and it was a perfect 8.

theycallmeVern

10. The Long Curve Of History

My now ex-wife was something else. On one of our first dates, we decided to watch a movie and have dinner at my place. We decided to watch American History X. She picked it, for what it’s worth. So, anyone who has seen the movie knows the scene where Edward Norton starts screaming at his mom’s Jewish boyfriend. Well, we get to this scene and my ex-wife pauses the movie.

I kid you not, she says, “So these angry bald guys and these Jewish people…They have an issue with each other?” She thought WWII was just a movie she watched in the eighth grade.

stepintothe1

11. I Volunteer As Tribute

I teach high school at an alternative program for kids who are removed from the traditional school setting for various problems. One year, we got a ridiculous kid, Ivan, who came to us because someone dared him to bring pot to school. He did, got caught, and was sent to our program. Later that semester, we had a group come in and do sex ed.

They would come every day for a week for about an hour each time. Each day brought new hilarity. One day, Ivan explains that the best way to decide if a girl has an STD is to stick his finger in his ear, get earwax, and then shove it up her you-know-what. “If she jumps, she’s got something.” No amount of explanation could convince him that he was disgustingly wrong.

Another day, he asked with all seriousness, “What happens if I pee inside a girl?” Probably the best moment was on the last day. The presenters would bring in a wooden demonstrator (called “Woody”) for students to practice condom skills. Ivan was not paying attention this day. No high school student ever wants to be the first one to put the condom on the Woody, so the presenters asked Ivan if he would be willing to demonstrate.

Without any hesitation, he agreed, stood up, and began to unzip his pants. Ivan had assumed he would be the Woody and apparently had no problem with this scenario in a room full of people.

mamabear371

12. Live Together And Learn

Back in the 90s I lived with an idiot named John. He was a great guy, but I ended up having to establish some unique house rules because of him. The first was “no baking citrus fruit.” One day I came home and could smell something burning. I looked at the oven and it was set to 450F. I looked inside. In the oven was a cookie sheet. On this cookie sheet were several whole lemons and limes that had swollen to the size of grapefruits.

I called to John, who was lounging on the sofa, and asked in confusion, “Why is there citrus fruit in the oven?” This was the response: “I was watching Martha Stewart make potpourri and I decided that I wanted to make it.” Now, Martha had apparently sliced up the fruit, laid it out on the cookie sheet, and put it in the oven at the lowest temp to slowly dry out.

John had attempted this, grown impatient, and raised the temperature. The resultant caramelized, burned discs ended up discarded. For attempt number two, he had placed them in the oven whole. Had I not interfered, his plan had been to slice them up once they were hot. When I explained that the process was meant to dry the fruit, not cook it, he removed them from the oven in defeat. The fruit had swollen as the juices inside heated up. I watched as John proceeded to spear the fruit with a fork, spraying searing hot acid all over himself.

The next rule was “don’t use Pledge on the floor.” I arrived home starving one day and proceeded to prepare a snack of cheese and crackers on a plate. I then attempted to carry this plate into the living room. Attempt. We lived in an apartment with parquet floors. We had no area rugs. I am not, by nature, a clumsy person, so imagine my surprise when I completely wiped out between the sofa and coffee table.

While I was lying there, covered in broken crackers, I couldn’t ‘t help but notice the distinct smell of lemon furniture polish. This was odd, because there was no wood furniture in the room. John arrived home a while later and I was compelled to ask, “Um… Did you pledge the floor?” He grinned and informed me that since it makes furniture so shiny, it would be perfect for the wood floor.

The third rule was “no hiding coffee in the furniture.” Never, in the entire time we lived together, did I ever see John consume coffee that didn’t come in a paper cup. We didn’t own a coffee maker of any kind. Because of this, I found it odd when I could smell rancid coffee in the living room. I looked around for an abandoned cup but couldn’t find anything. Finally the mystery of the smell got too much and I decided go hunting.

There was an empty ceramic vase on the coffee table, and for some inexplicable reason, It was full of whole coffee beans. I took it to the kitchen and then went back to my TV show. Why can I still smell coffee? I start examining the sofa. All along the piped edge of the back cushions, I found a row of individual beans. I confronted him later that evening.

He told me that he found old beans in the back of the fridge and thought they’d smell good. He also said that he’d debated putting them in the VENTS but couldn’t find a way to make them stay.

ArcadiaRhodes

13. I Know You Better Than You Know Yourself

I was preparing for my baby shower. My friend, who can be a little stupid, asked who would be there. Upon, hearing my two-year-old nephew would be there, she said “I haven’t seen him since your wedding five years ago.” Me: “He’s two. You have never met him.” Her: “Yes, I did at your wedding, he was the ring bearer.” Me: “My wedding was five years ago, he’s two.”

Her : “He was your ring bearer.” Me: “That was my cousin.” Her: “No, it was your nephew.” Me “I only have one nephew and he wasn’t born when I got married. The ring bearer was my cousin.” Her “Your other nephew then.” Me: “I only have one.” I bust out a picture of my cousin, saying, “this boy, who is my cousin.” Her: “ No, that’s your nephew the ring bearer.”

I don’t remember what finally convinced her but this went on for another five minutes.

mariabutterfly

14. As The Crow Flies

I think it was sophomore year of high school when a friend outed himself as a fool. He seemed like a normal guy…until one day the truth came out. Some of us were talking about the walk home from school. My friend said he hated his walk home because it took him almost an hour. I’d been to his house before and it was only a few blocks from the school, so I asked why it took so long.

He explains that because of all the one-way streets, the walk to school is pretty quick, but to get home, he has to take a different, much longer route.

ediblejetpack

15. Going The Wrong Way Round

My friend Will got a job at a gas station/fast food place. During his first week there, they were training him on the sandwich line. He said everything was going well and he had the manager there with him to help him out. He finally gets his first customer. The guy orders a steak and cheese. Keep in mind that a steak and cheese sub is Will’s favorite food and he makes good ones at home, so it should be no issue for him.

Well Will makes the man’s sandwich and even the manager comments on his good job making it. Right as he was about to wrap the sandwich, the customer notices that he forgot to cut the sandwich and asks Will to do it. This is exactly where it all went wrong. Will says, “Oh ya I forgot sorry about that,” then proceeded to lay the sub down on its side and cuts the sub long ways.

The manager and the customer are now just both staring at Will in complete disbelief. Finally the manager asks him why he cut the sandwich like that and Will responds with “that’s how you showed me.” That was not how he was shown. So the manager and customer at this point start to laugh about it. The manager explains that in no way, shape, or form were you trained that way. He tells Will he can keep that sub for himself and to make the customer another one.

Will makes another perfect sub and begins to wrap it up when the customer notices for a second time he didn’t cut it. Now to this day none of us could figure out what went through Will’s mind. Maybe he thought it would get a good laugh, maybe he was super hungry and thought he would get another free sandwich. All we know is that he laid that second sub down on its side and cuts it lengthwise again.

Both the manager and the customer were upset by this point and the manager sent Will away and made the sub himself. Will was removed from the sub station permanently and made into a cashier that shift. But the story didn’t end there. I finally asked Will (in front of some other friend) about the fateful sub day and his unorthodox cutting methods.

I said, “Will, if you had a long day at work and you’re starving so you stop to pick up a steak n cheese on the way home and right before they hand you what looks to be a delicious sub…They cut it in half like the way you did, would you accept that sub? Will emphatically said with a look of disgust on his face: “Heck no! I wouldn’t take that sandwich.” He didn’t understand our laughter.

Allways_a_Misspell

16. Some Neighborly Advice

We had new neighbors move in three days ago, and we’ve already had some interesting interactions. This is gonna be rough!! On their first day here, they knocked on our door to ask if our power was out. We said “no” and they said theirs was. I asked if their breaker switches were flipped. They had no clue what I was talking about. Not a big deal, not everyone knows about this, although they should.

So I offered to come over and have a look. When I walked in their house, I immediately got confused. The lights were on. I said, “I thought your power was out?” They said “It is! Our TV and Nintendo switch won’t turn on!” I went over to the entertainment stand they pointed at and had a look. They had the TV and the switch plugged into a power bar. The power bar has a red light up switch on it to indicate whether it’s turned on or off.

The light was off. I flipped the switch over and of course it worked. They didn’t seem embarrassed or anything. Turns out, that was just the prelude. Later that night, we have another bang on the door. It’s the neighbors. They say, “Are you sure the power isn’t acting weird? Ours is out again.” I ask them if all the power is out or just the TV and Nintendo switch.

They say TV and Switch so I tell them just to flip the light up button to on, on the power bar. They said they did and nothing happened. Reluctantly, I drag my butt over there to have a look. They now have a few more things plugged into the power bar, like a Scentsy candle, a charger of some sort and their cable box. When plugging these other things in, they unplugged the TV to make room for the other cords.

I let them know that if your TV isn’t plugged in, your Switch or cable won’t show up on the screen. OBVIOUSLY. Once again, they weren’t embarrassed. Fast forward to the next day. I can smell the scent of food. Really strongly. I can’t make out what it is, but something smells off. Almost like a chemical smell mixed with spices or something like that.

Anyways, I continue on with my day, scent in the air the whole time. I should have known disaster was coming. I’m out in my backyard doing some gardening when my neighbor yells at me over the fence. “Hey! Do you like deer jerky?” It didn’t click in my head immediately. I said “Yeah I do, why? You got some?” He says “Well not yet, but I will soon. I’m smoking it in the basement.”

It instantly popped into my head to ask what the heck he was using, because it shouldn’t smell like chemical. So I ask him, “You got your own meat smoker?” He says “Yeah I made it myself. It’s not that hard. Just need an old rain barrel pretty much.” I said “A plastic rain barrel!?!? Are you serious?!?!” He looked confused and said “Yeah. Why?”

I then explained to him about how plastic is toxic and when it’s heated up, it releases all that onto your meat. He shrugged it off and said “No big deal, it’ll be fine.” Somehow, that wasn’t the end of it. Today, their children (6 and 8) were running around in our front yard. We don’t really care if kids walk on our grass, as long as they stay out of the garden.

They were wrestling and we had a good time watching them scrap out the front window for about 5 minutes. That was until the younger kid hurt the older kid. As soon as he hurt him he knew he was in trouble. He took off running through the garden, trampling all over my wife’s flowers. His older brother followed and trampled over them some more.

My wife and I went running out to tell them they can’t do that. We told them nicely, didn’t raise our voices or swear. They apologized and left. Not even five minutes after we left, their parents came banging on the door. “Why are you telling our kids off?” We were stunned and explained the situation to them. Their response “our kids don’t lie.” I literally laughed.

Instead of continuing to argue with someone that won’t listen, I was just going to walk away. As I was about to close the door, his wife pipes up, “I don’t get why you guys would be so mad about them wrecking some ugly flowers anyways. It’s the city’s flowers. Like, why do you care so much?” My wife went off. “The city’s flowers? Ugly flowers? Why the heck would these be the city’s flowers?”

The wife then responds, “Like, how dumb are you? All front yards are city property. Like, know your laws idiot!” That’s when I shut the door. Wish me luck!

Permalink

17. Time To Buzz Off

I know a middle-aged man named Aaron who is 100% a complete idiot. This man can hear anything on the news or on the radio, interpret it using his small brain, and take it as end-all, be-all fact. Don’t even argue with him. This particular time a few years ago, it was extremely hot outside and he was trying to explain what he learned on the news.

Apparently, he was told the air isn’t actually hot it’s just “vibrating” (yes, at super basic level this is sort of true). He went on to say that wind was made by said vibrations, and when it was hot it vibrated so much it produced the “summer noise.” I think this brilliant gentleman thought the noise of CICADAS was produced by the heat itself. Yes, the bugs that make the loud chipper noise. The bugs.

At this point I was too dumbstruck to even have any sort of explanation or counter-argument.

MidnightRanger_2

18. Show And Tell

When I was in high school, some of the jocks decided that Home Ec would be an easy A. One of the jocks was an absolute fool. So, the Home Ec class is learning how to use sewing machines. This guy is sewing merrily away, with his thumb sticking out perpendicular to his left hand, putting it on trajectory toward the needle. Not surprisingly, he runs his thumb through the feed and punctures it several times.

He calls out to the teacher for help. She comes over and asks him, “What did you do?” He replies, “I did this,” and proceeds to repeat his actions, including going through the feed and getting additional puncture wounds to his thumb.

QuiltRebel

19. If At First You Don’t Succeed, Fail Again

I met this guy, Lewis, while interning at a non-profit organization. Lewis interned in the archives department, and once the summer was coming to an end he decided he would get a permanent job there no matter the cost. This led to several hare-brained schemes and unsuccessful attempts to show how good of an employee he could be. He tried to apply to a position in his department that had not existed for years because of budget cuts.

But Lewis was a member of the organization and thought he was superior to everyone else, so of course he thinks they’ll just find the money so that he can continue working there. He meets with the main hiring director who again tells him there is no money or need for the position but that doesn’t stop Lewis. Instead he comes up with an even worse plan.

Lewis decides to apply for another position in a completely different department that he has no qualifications for. His plan is to get the job….and then after a couple weeks move back into his old office at the archive department and pretend like he had been working there the whole time. Of course, his plan was ruined by the fact that he told co-workers about it, so some people already knew about his false intentions before he even had the interview.

Before this interview, Lewis tried to show how he can be a model employee. One day my soda got trapped in the vending machine. Lewis attempted to prove how macho he was in front of the hiring director by shaking and punching the machine until he was red in the face and ran out of breath. The best was yet to come. The hiring director then proceeds to pull out a key and unlock the machine in a couple seconds.

This make Lewis look like an absolute idiot while he’s about to pass out from exhaustion. A few days later at lunch, one of the other interns mentions how she’s getting some furniture delivered to her apartment. Lewis butts in and says, “I can come over to your place and help assemble it for you.” She tells him thanks but I can do it on my own, but Lewis is unfazed.

“NO, I’m going to come over and help you, this is a man’s job.” What’s creepy is that Lewis was older than most of the interns by about five years. having already gotten a master’s degree while everyone else was undergrad students. A week later, Lewis receives a visitor in his office. The new CEO who was due to start in a month wanted to check in with everyone.

The CEO begins to explain how he wants to run things when Lewis tries correcting him. Despite having only worked there for two months and being due to leave in a week, Lewis starts to lose his patience. “THIS IS HOW WE”VE DONE THINGS IN THE PAST AND THIS IS HOW WE”RE GONNA KEEP DOING THEM.” Somehow he still thought he had a good chance going into the interview despite screaming at the new CEO, who would have to approve new employees.

Well this ends exactly how you thought it would. He doesn’t get the job and mopes back to his office to pack up his stuff, riding off into the sunset to scam his way into another job.

salvefrater

20. A Special Guest

I used to work at a motel. It was not the sort of motel chain that brings to mind images of chocolates placed on pillows or romantic evenings in the hot tub; indeed, its signature decor can be seen in the background of certain low-budget rap videos. However, Mr. and Mrs. Idiot made it their monthly romantic getaway. In fact, due to a generous corporate policy that directed managers to provide an extra night free of charge to soothe any complaining guests, for a period lasting a year or more, they succeeded in stretching their monthly getaway to two nights.

Among the complaints that won them an extra night: The room was full of bugs after they left the door open all evening. The toilet stopped flushing after they emptied their ashtray into it The manager eventually received permission from corporate to cap the number of free nights a guest could be eligible for. The couple were the only guests ever to reach this lifetime cap at our motel.

Their shock over no longer having one free night a month did not end their regular getaway, however. It had to get much grosser. That was achieved after an incident involving copious amounts of vomit. Mr. and Mrs. Idiot were informed that they were now on the no-rent list. Apparently, this monthly stay was important to their marriage, because a few months later the manager received a call from Mrs. Idiot’s divorce attorney.

What vital information did he need? He wanted to confirm that Mr. Idiot was responsible for both of them being banned from the motel. Yes, this was apparently part of the divorce proceedings. The manager explained that he considered each of them equally responsible, which was not the answer the attorney expected or wanted. Not long after, Mrs. Idiot called the front desk.

“You have me banned under the name Jane Idiot,” she announced. “But—” and here she could not hide her pleasure at her own cleverness, “that’s not my name anymore. I got divorced, and now my name is Jane Kelly.” We had the pitch-perfect response. The front desk employee, trying to hide their laughter, said, “Ok, we’ll make sure to ban you under the name Jane Kelly, too.” A gasp of dismay, and the line went silent.

scream-and-gobble

21. Stay Thirsty

My sister used to work with a lady who was a total airhead. Let’s call her Kelly. There were a ton of stories, but this one in particular really stuck with me. One day Kelly had to call out from work in the middle of a heatwave. She was in the hospital, on IV fluids, from dehydration and heat exhaustion. After returning to work, my sister asked her how she got so dehydrated. The answer was mind-blowing.

Apparently, poor Kelly had no idea why at first, although I’m certain they tried hard to explain it to her at the hospital. I wasn’t there, but from my sister’s story, the conversation went something like this: Sister: “What happened? How did you get so dehydrated?” Kelly: “I don’t know! I was just swimming.” Sister: “Were you drinking water?”

Kelly: “Not really. But I was swimming!” Sister: “Uh, ok? You weren’t drinking anything though? Like all day? It was almost a hundred degrees!” Kelly: “Yeah but I was in the water so I wasn’t hot. And you can’t get dehydrated when you are in water.” No amount of explanation could convince her that she could, and did, get dehydrated while swimming because she didn’t drink any fluids for hours on an incredibly hot day.

Too bad my sister doesn’t work with her anymore, the woman was a gold mine.

the-power-of-a-name

22. A Hard Lesson To Learn

There is a ridiculous girl in my class this semester. Entry level course. Students are around 18 years old. First week. I teach physics. That day, I used an example based on the scan of a running body. I then let the student work on another example based on a javelin. The girl raises her hand to signal she has a question. It was the strangest thing I ever heard. I walk to her desk and she asks, “Can you tell me what my finger has ?”

I don’t understand so I freeze, confused. She then puts her finger really close to my face and I see some reddish skin shedding. “My finger, it hurts and I don’t know what it is.” I’m baffled and I say I’m not a doctor and that questions about physics would be more appropriate. “Well.. you talked about the body of a person running. I thought you were a doctor.”

A few days later, we are in the computer lab. They have to follow a few steps, written on a sheet of paper, to retrieve some files. She raises her hand. Apparently, the computer is broken. She says that when she follows the first step, the computer shuts down First step is to click on the “start menu.” She repeatedly pushed the power button. The “start button.”

She did a few other dumb things not worth mentioning, but she managed a 0 on her final exam. But that’s not even the weirdest part. The weird part is that her copy was not blank. In fact, it was filled with words and equations. Except nothing made sense. But it wasn’t like some students do when they don’t know the answer. Usually those are copying formulas for the sake of putting something on the paper and you can see on paper that those students do not feel strongly about their performance.

Her exam was not like that. It was an actual “resolution” of the problem. Basic algebra logic was thrown out of the window, but her way of giving her answers was full of confidence. I have never seen someone so blind about their lack of skills. She failed way under the passing grade, then asked to see her exam in my office. She tried to argue about my grading being too harsh.

I explained calmly how everything was defying reality on her copy, but she was still arguing some of it was good. I’m simplifying here, but her arguments were like: Ok, you said I should have used the conservative principle of energy here and the answer was 256, but my answer is 28 and at least I have one correct digit, even without using the right approach.

I don’t even know how she made it that far. I don’t even know how she will be able to provide for herself as an adult.

mouettefluo

23. The Slow And The Dead

So this happened a few years back. I apply for a new job, which requires a drug test for all new employees. The company is relatively small and handles all of their testing in-house using dipsticks. There is little to no supervision or protocols when you take the test. They literally hand you a cup, ask you to go into one of the bathrooms stalls (it’s not even a single stall bathroom), have you pee in a cup, then hand them the cup.

They dip it right in front of you then you are done. Easy right? So this girl comes out and hands her cup of urine to the supervisor, who then proceeds to test it. Supervisor looks up at her and shows her the dipstick. Then this glorious conversation takes place. Supervisor: So you want to try again? Her (confused): No. You have my urine right there.

Supervisor: Oh, so you’re dead then? Her: (more confused): Huh? Supervisor: Look, the urine you gave me was about 58 degrees Fahrenheit. Either you are lying or you are dead. And since you don’t look or sound like a corpse, I’m going to assume that it is not your urine. Her: It is my urine! I am cold-blooded. That’s all. Supervisor (chuckling): Are you trying to tell me that your natural body temperature is around 58 degrees?

Her: Well I’ve never checked it, but yeah when I am nervous it’s something around there. Needless to say, she was sent home immediately and told not to come back.

Aloy_is_my_copilot

24. The Mother Of All Idiots

At one point, I believed my mother might have a severe learning disability, coupled with learned helplessness. No, she’s just an idiot. When given directions to go to the end of the block to find parking, she shot back, “How am I supposed to know what a block is, I don’t remember that from school!?” After learning I have a gluten intolerance, she makes sure to buy me foods that don’t contain gluten.

“I brought you gluten-free olives, gluten-free tomatoes, and gluten-free baby carrots.” When I explain gluten comes from wheat, she shoots back, “Well I’m not wrong!” Speaking of baby carrots. I love them. My mom tells me how horrible they are because they are packaged in cancer. The water inside is cancer. She yells at me anytime I eat them. Unless they are the gluten-free type she brings over.

The first time she declared bankruptcy (the first of three) she claimed it was the furniture store’s fault. She had purchased a new living room set. Yes, and it gets more bizarre. Despite having money for it, she mistook the “No payments for a year” deal as meaning “You are not allowed to pay for this for a year.” By then the interest had made it far more expensive and the original money was spent.

The first time I brought my new boyfriend, now husband, over she giggled and told me she had something to show me. She walked me to her bathroom and said, “I’ve never pooped so big in my life! I saved it to show you!” It had been there for days. My husband still mentions this. I once bought her a laptop. This was an enormous mistake.

I spent the next year giving lesson after lesson. Simple things like how to make folders and organize pictures, how to use Google or Netflix. It was fruitless and caused a lot of fights between us. Eventually she said the computer stopped turning on and I viewed it as a blessing. After about six months of her complaining, I finally went to her house to see why it wouldn’t turn on.

It was not plugged in. It. Was. Not. Plugged. In. I also bought her a cellphone. She can never remember how to find the pictures she’s taken, how to access her email, and specifically how to connect it to her WIFI to save data. She told me she had the cable guy come out three times to see why it wouldn’t connect, but it was simply broken.

I went over, looked at the password that comes printed on the router, typed it into her phone, and it connected. My mom swears I should go into tech support. Despite being technologically inept, though, she sadly knows how to use Facebook. I am not on Facebook. Daily she’d send me Facebook links to gluten-free recipes and warnings about cancer in every product I use.

I would respond daily, “I am not on Facebook and cannot view the link.” Her solution was ridiculous. She would screenshot the articles, take her phone to Walgreens, have the photo center people get the pictures off her phone, print them, and she’d then physically mail them to me. I have received over one hundred 4×6 screenshots of spam since December.

Speaking of Facebook, she believes everything. It’s sad and annoying, but occasionally hilarious. My favorite was when she excitedly told me that this Halloween is the first in 666 years to fall on Friday the 13th.

dangerwaydesigns

25. Catch Me If You Can

This server at the restaurant I work at apparently took a customer’s credit card info while checking them out. He then goes on shopping spree with it , pending close to $7,000 in a matter of a few days. He wasn’t just using it on online purchases but somehow even used it at places like jewelry stores where there are no shortage of surveillance cameras.

I don’t know how he thought he could get could away with any of that. What truly makes this a great story is how they busted him. Once the owner of the card notified authorities, officers went to one of the jewelry stores where he bought a $600 gold necklace and had them call they guy to come back him for some reason. Not sure how they convinced him to return but he did.

Sure enough, he walked right back into the store with officers just waiting for him. Last I checked, he’s being charged with around seven felonies, and he had priors. I doubt he will see the outside of cell for a long time.

KrakenWarg

26. Too Much Of A Good Thing

This was related to me by a co-worker. This is at a casino coffee shop that also serves soft-serve ice cream and makes ice cream sundaes. On the condiment bar, there’s a large glass bottle with honey syrup in it for adding to your tea or whatever, along with cream, sugar, etc. It’s in an old Torani syrup bottle with a stopper/pourer thing and clearly liquid.

It’s a honey/water mixture, like a non-alcoholic mead. Family of idiots come in and order three sundaes, all different. They each grab the honey syrup container and just dump it on their ice cream sundaes. Like, all over the sundaes. And the counter. They each take a bite of the sundaes and come up the order counter and complain that they’re too sweet.

They want a refund or new sundaes. This is about $16-$22 worth of ice cream depending on what they got. The refund or free sundaes are denied since they did this to their own ice cream. They buy all new sundaes, walk over to the condiment counter, and add honey syrup again, but this time not as much.

thispartyrules

27. A Game Of Telephone

My sister turned 21 today so I have been mulling over some of her more extreme stupid moments while writing a speech for her party. This is one of my faves: About three years ago my brother was about to move to New York (we live in Western Australia). My sister came up to him with a grave look on her face and asked if he was going to “Gunpoint.”

He was confused and asked to her clarify. She said that she didn’t think he should go there. My brother asked her if she thought “Gunpoint” was an actual place and she responded that she thought it was a place in NYC and it didn’t sound very safe because people were always getting “held up at “Gunpoint.”

Sad_Noot

28. Getting Her Wires Crossed

The woman I work with is a lovely lady, but a bit clueless. In addition to that, she refuses to take hints. As an example, she became a huge fan of the show The Expanse and she tried every day to make me watch it. I told her over and over that my husband had watched it, and I’d glanced at a few episodes over his shoulder, but, while I could see that it was an amazing show, it just wasn’t my cup of tea.

That didn’t work. She still kept trying to make me watch it. Finally, in some desperation, I said “If you want to talk about the show with other people, have you tried Reddit?” She’d never heard of Reddit, so I explained, “There are discussion threads for every topic you can possibly name. I guarantee there will be some about The Expanse.” She seemed interested and said she’d check it out.

Fast-forward a couple of months. She and I were discussing some random topic, and I said “I saw a post about it on Reddit.” She got a very weird look on her face and said accusingly, “What were you doing on Reddit?” Puzzled, I said, “Why shouldn’t I be?” She said angrily “Oh, gee, I don’t know—because you’re married?” Now I was even more puzzled and asked, “What’s that got to do with it?”.

She looked a little less certain and said “Well, it’s a dating site, isn’t it?” Turned out that she’d completely forgotten our previous conversation and had Reddit confused with Tinder.

Shalamarr

29. Acronyms Are Hard, To Be Fair

This happened way back in high school. Senior year government class. I had grown up with this girl. She was your classic dumb blonde cheerleader type. We all expected dumb things to come from her. But usually they were good natured and an attempt was made. But I’ll never forget this one time. We’re learning about the different government entities and we get to NASA.

The teacher asks “who knows what it stands for?” and most people get it wrong but are very close (“National Air and Space Association” is what I hear the most). But this girl, to the surprise of everyone, raises her hand so fiercely. And she’s like “I know this!” This is a girl who thought the American Revolution happened in 1900…But we’re all very interested to know what she’s going to say.

The teacher is taken aback that she might know this too. But he’s like “please, share with the class!” Because he really wants her to do well. So, with so much pride she sits up and goes “NASA stands for NATIONAL AUTO PARTS OF AMERICA!” To say the class laughed was an understatement. The teacher laughed so hard he had tears in his eyes.

He wasn’t trying to be mean but was caught off guard. She rolled with it because her making dumb statements was the norm. This has stuck with me for almost 20 years and still makes me smile.

rhytmicjea

30. This One’s A Keeper

Last year I had the luck to live with an idiot roommate in a shared house at university. Here are a few of his adventures. He got hit by a train. Tipsy ad trying to get himself home, he realized he was on the wrong platform…so walked straight across and woke up in hospital with officers by his side telling him not to leave. That’s not what ended up happening.

He jumped out of a window onto his damaged legs and took a taxi home. He was later fined for trespassing on the railway. He also managed to score 109% plagiarism on an essay for his course. He claimed that ‘because he copied it from a book and not from the internet, he didn’t think they would be able to tell.” They could tell. He scored zero. We are still unsure of how 109% plagiarism is even possible.

He managed to lose three iPhone 7s in the space of five months and would just buy a new one every time one went missing. One time, still tipsy, he climbed a building and proceeded to fall two stories onto the pavement. He woke up with no memory of the night but couldn’t walk properly and was peeing blood. He decided not to go to the hospital because he doesn’t like queues and waiting, so he limped for two months and ignored his bloody urine.

He once showed up to work eight hours late. When asked where he was, he told his managers that he was still coming down off Ketamine from the night before. Somehow he was not fired for this. One time when we had a party, he got on our roof and proceeded to fall off, ripping the guttering off with him, which he proceeded to stab my other housemate with for a joke.

He once snorted cocoa powder as he was told it would get him high. He has failed his first year of university twice now, and is currently paying to retake it for the third time. He hasn’t told his parents. They expect him to graduate this year.

Netherwallop57

31. One Cooked Turkey

I work at a grocery store that always get slammed during the day of a major holiday (or day before if we aren’t open on the holiday in question), because every other chain store would be sold out from last minute panic buying as well. I was just finishing up restocking what I could in the baking aisle (since that’s where most of the demand comes from) and I was about to start getting ready to close when a man came up and asked me, “Where are your frozen turkeys?”

“They’d be in the frozen foods section in the little bunker in the middle of the aisle,” I politely said, albeit questioning why anyone would buy a FROZEN turkey at 4 pm on Thanksgiving Day. They wouldn’t be able to cook it fully unless they deep fried it immediately once they came home, and that was still probably not going to happen.

“No no no,” the man said, “I don’t mean those frozen turkeys, I mean the other kind of frozen turkey.” Riiiiight… “Uhhh, I’m sorry sir,” I said, “those are the only frozen turkeys we have. If you wish we might have some hams in our meat department that are thawed and should be good by your Thanksgiving din-“ “I don’t want a stupid ham, I want a proper frozen turkey, your hams are properly frozen yet I see no turkeys.”

It was then I realized that he meant REFRIGERATED turkeys, not frozen ones. “Sir, we don’t SELL refrigerated turkeys, we only have the ones in our frozen section.” “Why wouldn’t you have a good and proper frozen turkey?” He asked, infuriated by the simple information given to him, “(Popular Chain superstore) sells them and they’re all sold out.”

“Because they’re a ginormous superstore while we’re a much smaller grocery store,” I explained, “now unless you have another question I need to get back to work.” He left in a huff, muttering something about how we lost a customer because we didn’t sell what he wanted. I let out a sigh of relief before hearing someone behind me ask, “Excuse me sir, where are your frozen turkeys?”

I nearly lost my head before recognizing the voice as my grandfather’s, who apparently was listening to the whole conversation while choosing a refrigerated HAM for Thanksgiving dinner.

We laughed for a while about it before I had to go get ready to close up the store and he had to go back to his house and get ready for Thanksgiving.

KirbyKraftGames

32. Safe AND Sorry

This took place over a decade ago, when I was 17. I was getting my A Levels from a high school in India (I’m Indian). There was this loveable fool, Dennis, who was a part of our group. Very funny guy. I can’t be sure if he was playing dumb for laughs or just really dumb at times. Anyway, most people in our group were couples and were getting sexually active.

We had one popular couple who would be intimate without protection and then the girl would take a birth control pill (emergency contraceptive) after. She would take at least 4-5 each month, I really hope she’s doing okay now. The rest of us played safe and very rarely had to go for the pill. At that time, the pill that was easily available cost like $2.50 and was called something like “Pill 72” and it had two pills in it.

The first pill had to be taken within 72 hours and the second had to be taken 12 hours after the first. We all knew that because it was mentioned in the little booklet that came in the box. Well one day, Dennis and his girl lost their virginities to each other. Of course they used no protection at all and decided to listen to the popular couple instead of everyone else.

Dennis and his girl were at my boyfriend’s house and we were all chilling. The guy from the popular couple bought the pills for Dennis’ girl and handed them over for her to take. Dennis, like the gentleman he was, opened the packaging for her, poured her a glass of water, and gave her a pill in her hand. Then he did something that made me gasp.

He then takes the second pill, pops it into his own mouth, and then proclaims “done.” It took us the next half hour to explain that he wasn’t supposed to take it, it was meant only for her. He still couldn’t understand. We made him read the booklet and we tried to find a video for him to watch. He was still unconvinced. It got to the point where someone ran down to get his girl another pill for her to take 12 hours later.

I heard he took the second pill AGAIN, “just to be safe.” In fact, the next time they used the pill, they bought two, and he took one set and she took the other. We tried to talk sense into the girl and she said “just go with it.”

Head2Heels

33. A Menace To Society

This guy, Rob, worked with a small rotating group of people. Slowly but surely, he annoyed each of them by being dumb and angry. Rob’s 35, the first co-worker is barely 17, sweet girl and a very hard worker. Everyone is protective over her, even though she’s pretty tough and probably doesn’t need it. Rob repeatedly asked her out to eat, making it a point it wasn’t a date, yet also saying it would just be the two of them.

Creepy guy. He didn’t take her polite rejections, didn’t take her flatly saying no, then finally got mad and confused when she went off on him. The manager had a long talk with him, and he lost hours since he refused to work with her and not be a creep. Second co-worker is an older guy, 60 or so. Deaf as a post and needs some serious hearing aids to function. Really cool guy.

Rob first complained the older guy was allowed to wear headphones…manager explained the difference but we’re not sure he understood. Then, Rob kept turning down the volume on the monitors (which are vital for older guy’s job and nothing to do with Rob’s) because “he should be able to hear fine with robot ears.” Older guy requested not to work with Rob.

After a sit down with HR and Rob not budging on robot ears, he lost even more hours. We’re convinced they didn’t fire him then because they thought he was so dumb he must be disabled. Nope, and they lived to regret it. Third co-worker is a young woman, who took exactly 0% of Rob’s antics from day one. He continually talked bad about co-worker one, and co-worker three continually defended her.

Story goes that Rob grabbed her butt, so she decked him in the face, and his defense was that there was a spider on her and he was trying to save her. HR suspended him, investigated, but apparently co-worker three dropped it saying the hit to his face and ego should be enough. They reluctantly let him back but yet again, with less hours.

During this time we had a boss leave, so many people got to move up a position or two. This manager had been there for years and was the obvious choice for the manager position. Rob complained, saying she wasn’t a “people person” like he was. He spent his time trying to sabotage her, in the weirdest ways possible. Moved stuff and blamed it on her. There was just one thing he forgot. He did it right in front of the cameras.

She was the only person he could work with due to past issues, and he continually complained about having to work with her. Made her explain basic aspects of the job to him, stuff he’s been doing the whole time he’s been there, then would mess it up, blaming her for not training him right. Ate others’ lunches, left the containers in her office.

One lunch included something the manager is allergic too, not deadly allergic but still not something to mess with. At the sight of that container in her trash she went directly to HR, who had been keeping an eye on him, then filed a complaint about the lunch thefts. This was enough to fire him, but before the investigation was done he PUT THE ALLERGEN IN HER FOOD, watched her eat it, then congratulated himself on catching her in a lie when she “only broke out in hives.”

Fired, charges pressed, and was escorted off the property within a half an hour. He was mad, saying they had no evidence, because he had made sure to stay off the cameras. The escort responded, “No you didn’t, but thank you for the confession.”

BoredsohereIam

34. Man On The Run

A few years ago, I was a Driver Trainer for a large trucking company. Basically, my job was to take newly-minted truck drivers and teach them how to handle themselves in the real world. Sometimes, it was easy; other times it was like teaching a fish to play tennis. One of my students, Dale, was so dense he made a lead brick seem like a feather pillow.

Not because of his driving, but because he almost got himself (and me) arrested. Here’s the story. Dale was on my truck for about three weeks. He wasn’t the worst student I had, but he was far from the best. At week two, we end up stuck in Salt Lake City, Utah after delivering a load. It was a slow time of year and SLC had always been a sparse area for outgoing loads, so I expected to have to wait to leave out.

Not a big deal; I needed the downtime. Dale, from out of nowhere, started to seem anxious about something. When I ask him why he’s so tense, he tells me he needs to get his license changed to his home state. He lived in Louisiana, but his license was from Iowa. The company used a loophole in Iowa state law by granting temporary residency to students to get them a license.

After the license was issued, they had 30 days to get it switched to their home state. Not a major issue since management knew the drill and would get us to the student’s home state in plenty of time. “Dude,” Dale asked, “When can we go to Louisiana? I need to get my license changed.” He asked this every day for a week, but it wasn’t until we were stuck in SLC that is really seemed to bug him.

“Look, I’ve told dispatch you need to get home. They’ll work it out. Just relax.” He didn’t. After three days, we finally get to leave SLC bound for Chicago. It takes a few days and the entire trip, I can tell he’s getting more and more nervous. Eventually, he can’t talk about anything else except how he NEEDS to get home. He was getting pretty annoying.

We make our delivery in Chicago and get another going to Laredo, Texas. Normally, we would have gone through Houston, Texas, but this happened during the massive floods and I knew going that way would be a bad idea. Fortunately, I found a way that would avoid the flooding AND get Dale to his hometown. Better still, we would have enough time for him to get a ride to the DMV, get his license changed and still make delivery in plenty of time.

Win-win-win. And Dale finally seemed relieved. We get to Dale’s hometown on a Sunday afternoon. As he gets ready to leave, I tell him “First thing in the morning, get your butt to the DMV, get your license taken care of and get back here pronto so we can get going.” He says “OK” and leaves with his girlfriend while I enjoy some time to myself.

The next morning, I give Dale until 10AM before I start getting impatient. I texted him, asking where he was, and got no reply. I text again; again, no answer. I call…no answer. I tell dispatch, who’s asking me when we’ll get moving, that Dale has disappeared; he was supposed to get his license changed over but I haven’t heard from him all day.

Dispatch tries to call him and they don’t have any better luck. Apparently, Dale has disappeared. By late afternoon, I start getting the feeling this little jerk has bailed on me and wasted my time (this was a common occurrence for new drivers). I tell dispatch that I’ll give him until the morning to reach out; if he doesn’t, I’ll continue on to Laredo on my own.

There was still plenty of time and dispatch agreed. Morning came, Dale was still AWOL and I was out of patience. I send him one more text telling him I’m leaving without him and head out. I drive for several hours before taking a mandatory break and check my messages. I check my texts and see a huge surprise. Dale had actually reached out to me.

“Hey, man. My PO found out I took a job driving and was angry that I left Louisiana. She told me to get back as soon as possible or she would have me listed as a fugitive. I called her yesterday (Monday) but she’s out of town and told me to wait till she gets back on Wednesday.” I’m completely shocked. PO?…as in PAROLE OFFICER?!?!

“Dale, are you telling me you’re on parole and leaving the state without permission?!” “Yeah, I got parole for two years. I didn’t think it be a big deal since I was working.” “Dude, you violated your parole! You’ll be lucky if you don’t end up back behind bars. “Well, my PO said she wants to talk about it Wednesday.” “Yeah, I imagine so. You better get in touch with dispatch and let them know so they can work something out.”

I end the conversation and continue on to Laredo. I deliver the load and pick up another headed to Atlanta, GA. Thursday, I call Dale to find out what the deal was. He tells me that his PO gave him the OK to keep working. “I assume you have some kind of official document that says that.” I tell him. “Uh…no. She didn’t give me one.” “Then you better GET one because there is no way I’m leaving the state with you unless I have something from the state saying it’s OK.”

“Uh…why?” “Because if I carry you across state lines KNOWING you’re violating parole, that makes me an accessory.” “Oh, ok. I’ll ask her.” I tell Dale when and where to meet me. I tell him that if he disappears again, I’m not coming back to get him. He says he understands. I get to the location when I said I would….and he’s nowhere to be seen.

I text…no answer. By this point, my patience for this clown is completely gone. I tell dispatch I don’t trust this guy’s word and I’m not taking a chance on him lying to me. I leave out again and head for Atlanta. Dale does reach out…six hours later…and wants to know if I’ll come back for him. I tell him that he has lied three times and acted so shady that I can’t trust him to do the right thing.

If he wants to finish his training, he can sort something out with management but he won’t see me again. Months later, I found out the whole story. Dispatch told me later that Dale’s PO had NOT given him permission to leave the state again. Apparently, I made the right call by leaving him there. Fortunately, they weren’t interested in prosecuting me. I have no idea what happened to Dale, but I imagine he did something else that was stupid and landed back in the slammer.

Strongbadjr

35. When One Door Closes…

A couple of years ago, I worked at a cafe, and met my fair share of…interesting people, but this couple takes the cake when it comes to sheer stupidity. For some quick context, the main entrance to the cafe is a door you just have to pull in order to open. I was cleaning up the coffee machine after I had made a cup for a customer when I looked out the glass wall to see a man and a woman approach the cafe.

The woman tries to push open the door. It doesn’t work. I figure she just did that classic thing where you’re not sure which way the door opens and just tried pushing first, since it requires less effort than pulling, so I don’t think much of it, and just get ready for when they enter. She pushes the door again. Okay. Maybe she figured the door was just stuck.

I mean, that happens every now and then, right? I’m about to go help when I see the man walk past her with that “I got this” look on his face. He confidently places his hand on the handle and…he pushes. Then it just escalates He looks genuinely surprised, and tries again. And again. And again. Each time, he gets more forceful, at one point slamming his shoulder against the glass door.

The two are so preoccupied with this door that they don’t even notice me staring dumbfounded at them the whole time, other than being, you know, helpful. Eventually, I figure that if I don’t help, they’ll either leave or break the door, so I push myself from the counter to go there and help them. That’s when they spot an open sliding door on the other side of the cafe, leading to the outside tables, which are very popular at that time of the year, and decide to go around and squeeze past all the guests sitting there and enjoying their meals.

When they finally made it through, it’s as if the stars and planets aligned perfectly. They look toward the main entrance to see an old man approach, place a hand on the handle, and…pull the door open with no effort. It had been an absolutely uneventful day up until that point, so I had to ask a co-worker who didn’t witness this to handle them, and I just walked into the back to laugh.

suspiciouslyrobotic

36. Very Conditional Love

Long ago, in his unwise youth, my husband dated a girl, let’s call her Jane. Jane had a job that had required a certain level of education. She had stable employment, a modest but nice apartment, and a decent car. It was time to reward herself for her success. What she wanted, no, DESERVED, was a brand new car. Granted, it was the 1970s, when car prices were lower, but it was early in her career and she had no savings for a down payment, not to mention she already had a perfectly serviceable car.

Several people, including my husband, gave her an explanation of depreciation and how new cars lose value very quickly, but Jane wasn’t having it. She wanted a new car and that was that. Somehow she got someone (we’ll say it was a bank, but it may have been a finance company) to give her a loan. Due to the lack of a reasonable down payment and probably her own inept negotiating skills, the monthly payment was rather high and just barely doable, provided she scrimped on things like groceries and heat.

She struggled along stubbornly for a few months, but then was hit with a rent increase. It wasn’t much of an increase, but she had absolutely no cushion. Moving wasn’t a good option because that would bring other expenses. She asked her dad to give her a loan to make her car payment. He agreed but made it clear it was a one-time thing.

“You’ve got to talk to the bank and get out of that deal,” he told her. “You’re going to lose money”—because she was now upside down on the loan due to depreciation—”but you’re just digging yourself in deeper.” Jane thought it over, and she came up with a plan. It was, to her, the most brilliant plan ever thought of. In fact, she couldn’t understand why no one had ever come up with it.

She would sell the car. She did not discuss this plan with anyone, perhaps out of fear of blinding them with her brilliance. She was in a hurry to be rid of it, so she advertised it at far below book value. Her ad was answered by someone who was even stupider than her, and this person did not question why there was no title. Jane brushed her hands together in a “that’s done” motion, used the money from the sale of the car to buy a much more modest replacement, and proceeded to move on with life.

Pretty soon the bank called, reminding her she hadn’t made her car payment. “I don’t have the car anymore,” she told them with what can only be imagined as great satisfaction, “so I don’t have to make the payment.” What had she done with the car, they asked. “I sold it.” I see, they said. And exactly where is the car right now? Needless to say, the car was quickly repossessed by the bank from the person who thought they had bought it.

Jane was quite shocked to learn she did indeed have to pay back the loan, which as mentioned earlier was currently more than the value of the car. She was also shocked to learn that if you sell someone a car you don’t actually own and it gets repossessed, the person you sold it to will demand their money back. My husband, hearing all this, decided that just maybe he’d look for a girlfriend who was a little bit brighter.

scream-and-gobble

37. Sick And Tired

There is no other way to describe this woman I work with than stupid. She has called in sick multiple times since September 16th. In this time she has: driven herself to the hospital with a 40° temperature. Let us remember that basal body temp is 37°, 39° is classed as a fever, and at 41 or 42 your organs shut down. She blacked out on the Autobahn—you know, that place where CARS DRIVE AT WHATEVER SPEED THEY SEE FIT and crashed.

Last night, she choked, couldn’t breathe, and turned blue. Her mother had to come into her room to try and save her. She only decided to seek medical attention this morning. I live in Germany, but am a native English speaker. On our first day, we were talking about languages. I asked if she could speak anything other than German, she said no.

Odd, as lots of Germans our age (she’s two years younger than me, I’m in my late 20s) have at least school level English, but whatever. She then had a phone conversation with her mother in perfect Arabic. She couldn’t discern that German and Arabic are different languages. She asked me what working visa I had to get to live in Germany and if it was hard to get it.

I am an Irish citizen—we have freedom of movement with the EU, of which Germany is also a member. She was entirely unaware of this. This woman is harmless, but one day is going to unintentionally cause her own end.

TheYoungWan

38. Getting A Second Opinion

I work as a healthcare provider at a doctor’s office and occasionally will work the front desk. The following exchange happened Friday. Patient: (filling out paperwork) “Are kidney stones the same as a bladder infection?” Me: “No…stones are hardened deposits that form in your kidney” P: “Are you sure??” M: “Yes…they are two different organs.” I wish I had just given up then.

Five minutes later: P: “Are bladder problems the same as kidney stones??” M: “No…still different organs and in different parts of the body.” P: “That can’t be right, I have stones and it always hurts when I go to the bathroom, therefore they must be related to the bladder!” M: “I promise they aren’t.” P: “Well, how do YOU really know? It’s not like you’re a doctor” (insert eye-rolling). “I’ll just ask Google!!”

M: “Ok…” P: (a couple of minutes later) “OH MY GOSH! Even Google is agreeing with you! Ugh, I’ll just ask the doctor when I get in the room!” M: “That’s perfectly fine.”

erisdatbeyotch

39. Money For Nothing

My part-time co-worker Andrea came running up to me, bursting with good news. “They did it again! They messed up and paid me an extra hour again this week!” “Huh?” I said, “What do you mean?” “I work from midday to quarter past five every day, but the last few weeks, I’ve checked my payslips, and they’ve been paying me 5.25 hours each day! I’m getting an extra ten minutes each day, which is fifty minutes a week, almost a whole extra hour! For nothing!”

“Um” says I, ever eloquent, ” You realize that decimal is part of an hour, right? Not minutes?” With an amazingly condescending and pitying look, she says “Yes, I know it’s a decimal. Five point two Five. Point two five of an hour is twenty five minutes, but I’ve only been working fifteen!”

She then throws in, as you might to preschooler, “Twenty-five is ten more than fifteen!” What else could I do? I said, “Wow, that’s pretty lucky, don’t worry, the secret’s safe with me, but you can buy me a couple of beers sometime with your lucky windfall bonus money.” I watched as she ran off, happy as a pig in proverbial, utterly convinced she’s getting money for nothing.

Shenko-wolf

40. Snack Time Gone Wrong

My idiot “friend” wanted a grilled cheese sandwich. Simple enough, right? Hahahaha…no. After deciding to use his mom’s steel pan to make the sandwich, he went about prepping. Mistakes were made. He used fresh butter to coat the bread. Fresh as in just opened and still hard. He just cut off big chunks and basically ripped the bread up trying to spread it.

He cut the cheddar into large chunks as well instead of a series of thin slices. The sandwich was overloaded and lopsided with giant holes in the bread. He turned the heat on the burner to high, and didn’t put any oil or butter in the pan, figuring that the butter on the sandwich would be enough. He didn’t turn on the fan above the stove and walked out for a minute after setting the sandwich on the pan.

Now, I don’t condone using the fire alarm as a cooking timer, but that’s what happened. He just decided to flip the sandwich and keep going. The chunks of burned cheese, bread, and butter coating the pan nearly ruined it and there were some pretty bad permanent stains on it even after steel wool was used. Here’s my confession: That idiot was me.

I swear I’m a better cook now, but my mom banned me from the kitchen for a few months after that, and I am still only allowed to use her cast iron when cooking at her house. That specific pan is still in use 10+ years later, though.

jbh007

41. A Real Brown Thumb

This guy Harvey has been one of my closest friends since college. Absolute genius—top of his undergrad and business school courses, high-flying consultant, etc. It would all be truly nauseating, if he weren’t such an amazing guy. We were roommates for a while in London. Literally, the perfect person to live with—tidy, fun, but also understood boundaries. Except he had one fatal flaw.

At one point when we were living together, I went for a three-week adventure holiday, so was pretty much out of contact. Anyway, I asked Harvey to take care of my plants while I was gone. Seemed a simple ask. Gave him instructions to water them every couple of days and rough amounts of water needed. Came back and the dear boy seemed very guilty.

“Sorry, but I think I may have destroyed some of your plants…I watered them as you said, but something may have gone wrong…” I walk in and look around at my plants, figuring he might have forgotten to water them a couple of days or something…Well, nope, he really did destroy them. Fair enough, things happen right? But then I started smelling this godawful smell in a couple of places.

Couldn’t figure it out. He was Mr. Tidy, remember? Turns out Harvey had watered all of my dried plants—think bundles of sculptural sticks, etc. A bit of fake ivy where I was trying to make an ugly window ledge look pretty. He’d watered them diligently every two days for three weeks. Pools of vile water in the bottom of their containers, like some kind of semi-sentient primordial ooze that absolutely reeked.

Black mold crept up the sides of the containers and on the bases of the plants that yielded clouds of spores when I pulled them out. Black mold is toxic of course, so was a bit scary. I had to trash plants, containers, etc. in case they very likely would make us sick. Turns out my dear, sweet, genius Harvey had noticed the dank smell, but thought that was “probably normal for plants at some point in their lives” and didn’t want to let me down by not watering.

So he lived in our veritable plague farm of a flat for all three weeks suffering in silence. I really had to struggle not to weep while laughing. He was so earnest and had tried so hard. But good lord, sometimes even geniuses can be complete idiots.

katpoker666

42. Good Old Fashioned Fun

Ok so this story takes place when my friend Jules and I were around 13 years old. Jules calls me one day asking if I want to come over and hang out. I say sure and head over. When I get there, to my delight, I find out Jules’s mom had got Jules a ton of fireworks from her out-of-state trip. This included waterproof firecrackers. We set a bunch off. Had a blast.

Then we found some puddles to throw the waterproof ones in. Good fun as well. After a while we went inside for lunch, then his mom went outside to work in the garden. This is when Jules says to me: “Hey! You know what would be awesome? Putting a waterproof firecracker in the toilet!” Now at this point in my friendship with Jules I started to notice…well…that he was a little dim and needed someone to look out for him at times.

So instead of doing the childish thing and encouraging this blatant error in thought, I tried to dissuade him. I told him, “I learned that shockwaves are stronger in water and might blow your toilet up.” Jules said no way. I then told him, “You know those old high school movies where kids talk about blowing up the school toilets? Well, I’m pretty sure that’s what these firecrackers are like.”

He again says no way. But this time he decided to tack on that he was at a mutual friends’ house the day before and they did it with no issue. Now I was pretty mad after he said that because, I was at the mutual friend’s house the day before. I knew he was lying to me and I wasn’t happy about it. So I decided to get revenge. I said, “Screw it! Let’s do it.”

Jules lit the fuse and dropped it in. The toilet cracked in half. Water went everywhere. All of the blood in his face drained away and he had the look of a man who knew he was about to die. My face, on the other hand, was beet red from crying laughter. I must have laughed for at least 10 minutes straight with an occasional “I told you so!!” in between.

After I calmed down, we went to tell his mom what had happened. Jules begged her to take the blame. He had recently got in trouble with his dad and didn’t want to make it worse. To my disbelief, she agreed. Now at this point, I’m waiting for my ride because I’m trying to get the heck out before his dad gets home. No luck. Jules and I quietly hide in his room waiting to hear what happens.

His dad spots the toilet. We hear a loud “what the HECK.” Jules’s mom comes over and tells him she did it. He asks how. She tells him that she sat down too hard. Then silence. About two seconds go by without any noise, which to us felt like forever, as we waited to see if he bought it. Then in the style of the dad from Alvin and the Chipmunks we hear his dad yell, “JULLLLLLLESSS.”

Allways_a_Misspell

43. This Man Is An Island

This guy I work with, Paul, seems a little…off in general, but he’s friendly and an absolute workhorse. Paul didn’t take a single day off work in 2018, and maybe even 2017. Sick days? He’ll work through it. Vacation? He doesn’t like to travel, so nope. Just want to relax for a day? “Relax” is something lazy moochers do. Paul finally took a single day off this year for his daughter’s wedding.

Everyone was happy for him. He’s shown up for work sick as a dog before and refused to leave, so he finally had an excuse not to come in at least once. But Paul wasn’t happy. He apparently tried to get his daughter to schedule her wedding around his work schedule so he didn’t have to take the day off. That’s when the unbelievable truth came out. He came back the day after and complained non-stop about how he lost a day’s pay.

Um, what? People were confused and asked Paul why he didn’t use one of his vacation days. Apparently, the government pays for your vacation and sick leave, not the company. The reason he never takes time off is that he doesn’t want to be a lazy moocher who takes money from people’s taxes. Everyone tried to explain that’s not how vacation and sick leave work, in fact, the company pays for it out of their pocket.

He can take 14 days off and get full pay all at the company’s expense. He’s literally earned it by working there so long. Nothing worked, and he kept hammering on about how people who take vacation are lazy welfare queens who take his tax money.

jbh007

44. Nearest, Dearest, And Dumbest

Now this girl, Alice, was gorgeous. Slim, tallish for a girl, blonde, stacked, duuuuuuumb. She was incredibly book smart though. Maths, chemistry, biology absolutely spot on, straight As. She struggled with physics and English and it puzzled her teachers as the skills she needed to pass, she could obviously utilize given her grades in other subjects.

And a lot of them covered the same material. She did pass everything eventually and attended university, but I digress. The highlights from our time were: She put tinfoil in the microwave and it caught fire. She put the microwave in the kitchen sink and turned on the tap to put the fire out. While it was still plugged in. She was having trouble with geography and the teacher was trying to explain and failed.

Eventually, the teacher resorted to basics and asked her to point north. Alice pointed to the ceiling. She did a weird dance thing with her feet while we both were shoeless. I tried it and failed and said I think I’ve broken my heel because I’d slammed them together. She told me to not be so stupid as I couldn’t break a heel with no shoes on.

I proceeded to explain to her what the different parts of your foot were called. She was mesmerized. She would argue vehemently with me that it was perfectly safe for her to fish toast out of the toaster with a metal knife as “I’ve done it loads of times and I’ve never been electrocuted,” YET my dear friend. If you asked Alice directions, she’d have to hold her hands up to “look for the L for left.” Fair enough, a lot of people struggle with that and use that trick. But Alice would do it with her palms facing her.

We watched a movie together once and about halfway through, I realized she shared her name with the main actress and pointed it out. Her reply “Really?! What’s her name?!”

samanthuhh

45. Too Little, Too Late

This guy I know told his (stupid) wife about an article he read about people in Siberia digging up frozen mammoth tusks and selling them. Her: “That’s terrible!”. Him: “Why is it terrible?” Her: “They’ll sell all the frozen ones and then people will start hunting mammoths for their tusks, and pretty soon they’ll all be extinct!”

solo954

46. The Theory Of Everything

I may have married an idiot. He initially doesn’t strike you as one, because he had a very successful career working for a government alphabet agency. However, some of the things he believes…Once this man gets a notion in his head you cannot remove it with dynamite. If his mother or his teacher Sister Mary Godzilla told him something 50+ years ago, then that was Revealed Truth and could not be changed.

Sister MG told him men have one less rib than women. It has to be that way because God took Adam’s Rib to make Eve. I had to show him side-by-side images of male and female skeletons in a medical encyclopedia and make him count the ribs before he believed that Sister may have been mistaken. Sister also told him that plate tectonics was “only a theory, and since theory means guess there wasn’t any truth to it.”

You know how South America and Africa look like they would fit together like puzzle pieces? Sister told him that was just a coincidence. God made the world the way it was and the bits didn’t go floating around like ducks on a pond. “Theory equals guess” also shot down the theory of evolution, the theory of relativity, and a bunch of other science things that didn’t agree with the Bible.

However, he seems to have come up with a whole bunch of stuff all on his own: There can’t be a volcano under Yellowstone Park because they wouldn’t be dumb enough to put a national park on top of a volcano. When you burn a candle only the wick burns. The wax just runs down the side of the candle holder. He had no explanation as to what happens to the wax in a jar candle.

Meat is not the muscle tissue of animals, but something else called the flesh. He did not explain where the muscles go if meat is this mysterious “flesh.” Meat also only comes from mammals. Beef is meat and pork is meat, but chicken and turkey are not meat. Nor is fish. Cows just spontaneously start giving milk when they reach adulthood.

Having a calf every year to start the process has nothing to do with it. On the other hand, hens must lay with roosters before they can lay eggs. That the “clear” button on the oven stops the timer. It does not—it turns off the oven and that is all it does. I have made him start the timer and then punch the clear button. See? The timer is still going.

He still tries to use the clear button to turn it off. We’ve only had this oven for 20 years. The microwave and the toaster oven are basically the same appliance. And since you can put plastic things in the microwave, you can use them in the toaster oven as well. He only did this twice though, since I really yelled at him the second time.

He does seem to have grasped “no metal in the microwave” though, so I guess this is a plus. Sometimes he has to figure things out for himself. My dad would say “You can tell ’em and tell ’em, but some folks have just gotta pee on the electric fence for themselves.” Take the top rack of the dishwasher, for instance. The section on the right-hand side is about half an inch wider than all of the other sections.

That makes this the ideal section for cups because they just fit. I told him this. I had him put a cup in the right-hand section and see that it just fits. I then had him put a cup in another section where it did plainly did not fit. About a week later, he came to me and said “I figured out that the right-hand section is wider than the others so that’s where we should put the cups.”

And this evening’s idiocy: Chopped is the same as sliced. He was going to a church picnic and had volunteered to bring sliced tomatoes and lettuce and onions for the hamburgers. He asked me to chop all of these things for him. Not slice—chop. I had to explain the difference. That the volume of a medium-sized bowl is exactly the same as that of a smaller bowl.

This is a long-standing confusion, actually. I cannot tell you how many times I explained that to save cabinet space, you put small bowls inside medium bowls which go inside large bowls. You do not try to stack a medium-sized bowl on top of a small bowl. This man who can pack a moving truck tighter than Marilyn Monroe’s girdle simply cannot grasp this simple concept. Or maybe instead of a concept, it’s just a theory.

TheFilthyDIL

47. The Tank Destroyer

So just over a year ago I switched jobs and went to work for a guy (Bob) who is running a new/used aquarium shop. The shop was built onto his house, so as a result I’ve become pretty close with his family, including his 15-year-old stepson, who is the stupidest person I’ve ever met. For the first couple of months, I thought he was just a bit quirky and clumsy, but as I’ve come to know him more, I’ve discovered that he is an idiot of the highest order.

Now, I’ve known some dumb teenagers in my time. Heck, I used to be one. But this kid is just on another level. Just in the year that I’ve known him: He licked a lit match because he thought fire would taste like a Flamin’ Hot Cheeto. He cannot climb a flight of stairs without tripping up them. This is a multiple-times-a-day occurrence. And it gets worse.

He once dropped a bowl of cereal and milk, and rather than clean the mess with a towel, he soaked up the spill with his sock. A sock that was still on his foot. He then put on his shoes, went out to catch the bus, and went to school with a soaking wet milk-sock. He went to the school nurse that day because he was convinced that his foot was bleeding and soaking through his sock.

He’s failing gym class. I have no idea how one fails gym class. He has broken more than 20 aquariums in the last year. When we buy used tanks, they need to be washed and leak-tested before we resell them. The boy sometimes does this to help out, but his method is mind-blowingly stupid. He can’t understand that when you wrap the hose around an aquarium, you can’t just yank it free.

Once, Bob was selling an older fairly-good-condition Cadillac that had been sitting in his driveway for a while. The day before the buyer came to pick it up, the stepson was mowing the yard and scraped the handle of the mower along the entire length of one side of the car. Oh, and he likes to use “Jew” as an insult. When I called him out on it, his reply made my blood run cold.

I discovered that he thought that Jewish people didn’t actually exist. He thought that they were an imaginary race of people that everyone pretended to hate. He played lacrosse on his school’s team this summer, and got benched all season because he told the coach that he didn’t need to run laps or go to practice. This is probably why he’s failing gym class.

One day, he left in the morning like normal to go catch the bus. Three hours later, he came back saying that he missed the bus, and he needed to be driven to school. The problem? It was Labor Day. There was no school. He stood at the bus stop for three hours on a day when there was no school. He also eats absolutely everything in sight.

If you leave food unattended for more than 10 seconds, it’s gone. Bob went to Taco Bell and got food for the four of us. The stepson was left alone with it and ate his, mine, Bob’s, and half of his mom’s food before he realized that it probably wasn’t all for him. When he found out that I’m a chile-head, he bragged for a week about how he loved super spicy food too.

He then tried a glob of my Exhorresco hot sauce(after I warned him repeatedly not to) and spent the next two hours crying and blaming me. It keeps getting worse. We’ve been gradually remodeling the house when we’re not working in the store. His bedroom was the first room we finished. He managed to put a hole in the wall on the first day he moved in.

Bob told him to wash the truck one day earlier this year. He thought he’d be helpful and wash out the fuel tank as well. With water. His parents signed him up for tutoring to help with his grades. Turns out, all the tutoring in the world won’t help your grades if you never turn in your homework. He was under the impression that homework was optional. Also, he routinely falls asleep in class.

He thought that fish were just very active plants. Yes, really. He managed to tip over and dump the contents of the trash can he was taking out to the roadside to be picked up. Rather than pick up the mess, he just kicked it around and spread it out across the yard, in hopes that it would be less noticeable if the mess was less concentrated.

legomaniac89

48. Hunk Of Burning Love

This is the story about my good friend Skip, who is a loveable idiot through and through. Skip had a major crush on a girl who I will call Sally. Sally was that girl who had all the right things. Great hair, amazing personality, and she loved it when guys were super creative when they would ask her out on dates. The more creative, the more you had her attention.

It was getting close to Valentines’ day, and time for the dance we called the Sweethearts’ Ball. Skip desperately wanting to ask Sally to the dance, but couldn’t come up with a creative enough way to ask her. Myself and our friend were popping off suggestions while at lunch. Me: Dude, you could always send her some roses. Friend 1: No dude, send her a bag of M&Ms and say, it would be so sweet if you would go to the Sweethearts’ with me.

Friend 2: Dude NO, you should toilet paper her car and say, It would wipe me out if you went to the Sweethearts with me. This is where the problem starts. Friend 3: Dude, that’s stupid, why not just pour a heart shape on her lawn with gasoline and light it on fire and say my heart would go up in flames if you went to the Sweethearts’ dance with me. Skip, listening to all of this, had his mind clamp around one thing that was mentioned.

I’m sure at this point some of you have already figured out the one he chose to do. This was all on a Friday. None of us were present when Skip asked her. However, we did see the horrific aftermath. Here are the events that followed. Monday: Sally avoided Skip. Like, He’s a capital-P Psycho avoided him. Tuesday: Skip is now starting to behave strangely. He’s very nervous and looking over his shoulder.

Wednesday: Skip’s name is called over the intercom system before classes start. About 10 minutes later, the principal’s office calls in me and a couple of friends. We are told to sit outside the office, and we hear a loud conversation inside. Me: Dude, what the heck did Skip do? Friend 1: Don’t know. I’m not sure how we are involved here. Friend 2: He did something stupid I’m sure. Only we had no idea how bad it was.

Me: Dude, do you think he did the toilet paper thing? Friend 2: No, this is something bigger. Friend 1: Our names had to be dropped some time dude. Me: It’s kind of freaking me out. About this time Sally walks into the office with a smirk on her face. She says, “Have they told him yet?” All of us are totally confused, Friend 1: Told him what?

That’s when the door opens. My blood ran cold at the sight. Skip comes out, handcuffed. Crying his eyes out, repeating over and over again, “Sorry, sorry, I am so sorry!!” It was then that Sally walks up to him…and gives him a huge hug. Sally: Oh by the way, YES!!! I will go to the Sweethearts’ Ball with you. Our jaws just drop. We are all thinking, what just happened?

They uncuff him, and he has the same look as us. The fire marshal then walks out laughing. Fire Marshal: It was all her idea, I couldn’t refuse my little girl. However, if you ever set fire to my lawn again, I’ll kick your butt. You will come and fix it. And you three (he looks at us), stop putting ideas into his head. He will clearly do anything you guys tell him to.

That was the day we found out that Sally’s father was the fire marshal in our county. He and the sheriff gave him a tongue lashing for setting fire to his front yard, with a heart shape burning in the grass and a sign by the front door saying, MY HEART WILL GO UP IN FLAMES IF YOU WENT TO THE SWEETHEARTS’ WITH ME! It was a really good dance, we all had a ton of fun.

Skip and Sally have been happily married for 23 years now.

Smoke_Water

49. Lost In Translation

My family, including my idiot sister, were out to eat at a Chinese restaurant. The waitress, who was Asian, came up to us and asked us what we would like to order, in English. My sister looks shocked and doesn’t even wait for the waitress to leave as she loudly proclaims, “I understood everything she said!” My family looks on at her in utter disbelief as my mom explains to her that’s because she spoke in English.

ABeaconUnder

50. The Gullible Virgin

I had a high school friend, Sam, who wasn’t…the brightest crayon in the box. Last I saw him, he was living with his addict girlfriend, who’s pregnant with his child. Or, so that’s what I thought. I haven’t spoken much to him since he had gotten expelled from school, and our relationship faded into only Facebook updates on each other’s lives.

The other day, I was speaking to a friend, who we’ll call Sara, that still keeps in contact with Sam. He got brought up in conversation, mostly laughing about the ridiculous things he did in school, and then I asked about what he was up to. Now, back in high school, Sam vowed himself to celibacy. He didn’t want to be intimate before marriage. Also, despite how strung out his current girlfriend is, the only drug he ever used was pot.

Sara: “You know the baby’s not even his.” Me: “Wait, seriously?” Sara: “Yeah, he’s a virgin.” Me: (confused because he posts on Facebook all the time of how happy he is about becoming a father) “Does…does he know?” Sara: (shaking her head) “Nope. He legitimately thinks he got her pregnant.” Sara let me have a moment, just to see the astonishment on my face.

She went on to tell me that when Sam first told her his girlfriend was pregnant, she asked him when did he start being intimate. Sam said he never did, however, they do perform oral. Sam believes that when his girlfriend…swallowed…it impregnated her with his child. Sara and a few others tried to explain to him that’s not how it works, but he’s either just lovestruck or just plain stupid.

There has been speculation that the true father is a guy who graduated a few years before us. He is Black. Sam is white. His girlfriend is white. She’s about four months pregnant.

salidesire

51. It Wasn’t Me

My cousin is a complete idiot. I just got a call from my mom that he was arrested tonight for disturbing the peace after pooping in a urinal at the airport. Doesn’t sound like something to be put in the slammer for…except that he ran out screaming for security, in an airport. Apparently ten airport officers come running thinking they have heroics to perform, instead a dude screaming “HEY SOMEBODY POOPED IN THE URINAL!”

Apparently, he yelled this because he REALLY BELIEVED it was a felony and wanted to “keep them from knowing it was him.” I love him but he is the dumbest person I have ever met in my life.

SpecialistDistrict7

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