Most people have to settle for being simply mediocre in the IQ department. Then…there are these people. The dullest of the dull, these people give new meaning to the phrase “bird-brained.”
1. Bathroom Rules
I was standing next to a HUGE bathroom sign, restocking silverware as a woman in her mid-30s entered the establishment. Woman: “Sir, where is the bathroom”? Me: “Down that hallway, ma'am”. I pointed to the direction the sign was pointing. Woman: “No, it isn't”. Me: “Err, what”? I was not prepared for what she said next. Woman: “That's a couple's restroom, see? Man AND woman”. Me: Chuckles “Oh, no. That’s a unisex bathroom, you can use it”. Woman: “I'm not a unisexual. I'll just run over to Applebee’s”. She left.
2. An Eye For An Eye
Once, while working at an eye doctor's office, a woman was upset because we were charging her to make new lenses with an updated prescription. She was getting frustrated and asked, "Why do you have to make new lenses? Can’t you just inject some more medicine in the ones I already got"? It took all I had not to laugh in her face.
3. Don’t Play With Fire
One time I was at my friend Claudio's apartment with his brother just hanging out and watching a movie. All of sudden I hear a woosh and see a big flash of light. I look over at Claud and his hair is on fire.
We got it out quickly and I asked him what just happened. He told me, "I was trying to listen to the sound the lighter made when I flicked it”. We had not had any drinks or substances at the time.
4. A Weighty Subject
My father-in-law is very intelligent. He taught himself how to solve a Rubik's cube without looking anything up and is generally a genius in math, logic, puzzles, what have you. But here's where all logic leaves his body.
He believes dinosaurs couldn't be real because they would be too big for their skeletons to uphold their weight. He has lots of other really stupid ideas because he is so intelligent he thinks he can just reason himself into correct conclusions without doing research or adhering to the scientific process.
5. Got You Covered
I've been waiting so long to tell this story. Two members of my family are very highly intelligent...or so I always thought. I went to their house and they just installed an above-ground pool that came with a POOL COVER.
Instead of using the pool cover they went and bought all these insulated pink foam boards (one-inch thick, four by eight foot rectangle foam boards). I just sat there and watched while they cut up all the foam into puzzle pieces to fit in that ROUND pool. It completely baffled me.
I asked them why and they said it was to keep leaves out of the pool. So every time they got in the pool they had to remove all the puzzle pieces, then clean the pool because tiny pink insulation was floating on top, and when they were finished for the day they spent an hour trying to connect all the puzzle pieces they cut back into the pool.
The original pool cover was by the pool in the bag it came in. It was the dumbest thing I've ever witnessed in my life.
6. A Question Of Distance
Years ago, before the Internet was a thing, I worked in a small electronics shop. One day, I got a phone call and it went like this: Him: Yeah, hi. I was just wondering...how far is it to your shop? Me: (Long pause, calculating how galactically stupid this question was, whether I was being pranked, and how a professional business person would handle this). At that moment, I knew exactly what to say.
Me: Oh, it's just a few miles away. Come on down. Him: OK. See you soon. No idea if he ever actually arrived. I got busy and people came and went all day. But it was still the dumbest question I've ever received.
7. It Was A Bad Sign
I was volunteering as a cashier at a used book store for the library. It was not my regular job, but I did it often. In came this older fellow who bought a big stack of books for about 10 bucks. He was really nice and chatty, though he didn’t seem entirely aware, mentally. It was not a big deal, and I just had to explain sales tax and the book pricing a couple of times before he seemed to get it.
He paid by credit card, and I explained to him how to sign the touchscreen for the payment to go through. Then it got weird. He asked for my name, which no customer had ever really done, but I told him anyway. He then took the iPad and told me he was going to sign my name for the card so “they” would know to send the money to me. Before I could say, “No, wait,” he submitted the signature.
I couldn’t see his receipt, but he kept telling me I was great and to keep the change, so I assumed he was being legit. It was really bizarre and it made me wonder if he had been signing cashier names the entire time he’s had a credit card. Thank goodness the card companies rarely check those things.
8. A Pain In The Rear
As a pharmacist, I had to explain to a man that you need to take the suppositories out of their foil packaging before you use them. He complained that they didn't work and were uncomfortable. I bet they were.
9. Just A Scratch
My father-in-law could construct a new bladder out of a piece of your own intestinal lining if you had bladder cancer and needed a new one. He’s saved thousands of lives that otherwise would have been lost to renal, prostate, and urinary tract diseases.
He once told me that someone with a bright yellow car was intentionally hitting his Mercedes Benz. They’d hit his car and sideswiped it once while he was at the hospital. He had it fixed, and it costs thousands of dollars.
Then a few weeks later, the same bright yellow vehicle did it again, this time nearly tearing off his fender and leaving a huge yellow gouge down the side of his car. He took it to the body shop a second time.
During his next visit to the hospital, the hilarious truth came out. The parking attendant said, “Hey doc, it’s nice to see you. But I have to warn you….security was here and they’re kind of upset about the fire hydrant you’ve hit twice in the last month. I tried covering for you but apparently, they’ve got it on video”.
10. Pronunciation Class
My ninth-grade English teacher tried to suspend me for saying “debris” the correct way. She claimed it was pronounced, “de-briss”. She, I kid you not, sent me down to the principal's office with a note saying that I “willfully disagreed with her and should be suspended for disrespecting an elder”.
The principal, who was already a pretty cool guy, had me sort mail for an hour. When the hour was almost up, he and I went up to the room, interrupted her lecture on whatever it was we were studying, and calmly destroyed her.
He said, “The word is pronounced the way [my name] said it. Not debriss. Please remember this next time, and if you want to excuse yourself from this school for a week instead of [my name] getting suspended for a week”.
She was absolutely mortified, and to this day when kids who were in that class run into her, they call her Miss, or Mrs. (I don't know if she ever married or not) Debriss.
11. Is A Park Not A Zoo?
Working in Banff National Park, I've seen some stupid tourists. But this one woman was downright dangerous. She asked me what time we let the animals out, as they wanted to get photos. I just looked at her for a second, and then went into the spiel of "all of the animals found in the national park are wild and we strongly recommend you keep your distance as they are unpredictable".
12. Leggo My Eggo
I worked at a supermarket in the dairy department. One day as I was stocking eggs on the shelf a customer asked, "Where is the Eggos"? Me: “They are in the frozen department”. Customer: “No, I buy them in this aisle”. Me: “We don't have waffles in the dairy department”. Customer: “Not the waffles, they are liquid eggs”.
Me: “I've worked here for years, we don't sell Eggo brand liquid eggs”. Customer: “What do you call that”? She pointed to EggBeater brand liquid eggs. Me: “EggBeaters”. Customer: “That's what I'm looking for”. Me: “You asked for Eggos”. Customer: “That's what I call them”. Me: “Think carefully before you answer this, how would I know your random liquid egg nickname”? She complained. I was sent home early for arguing with her.
13. I Know You Better Than You Know Yourself
I was preparing for my baby shower. My friend, who can be a little stupid, asked who would be there. Upon, hearing my two-year-old nephew would be there, she said “I haven’t seen him since your wedding five years ago.” Me: “He’s two. You have never met him.” Her: “Yes, I did at your wedding, he was the ring bearer.” Me: “My wedding was five years ago, he’s two.”
Her : “He was your ring bearer.” Me: “That was my cousin.” Her: “No, it was your nephew.” Me “I only have one nephew and he wasn’t born when I got married. The ring bearer was my cousin.” Her “Your other nephew then.” Me: “I only have one.” I bust out a picture of my cousin, saying, “this boy, who is my cousin.” Her: “ No, that’s your nephew the ring bearer.”
I don’t remember what finally convinced her but this went on for another five minutes.
14. As The Crow Flies
I think it was sophomore year of high school when a friend outed himself as a fool. He seemed like a normal guy…until one day the truth came out. Some of us were talking about the walk home from school. My friend said he hated his walk home because it took him almost an hour. I'd been to his house before and it was only a few blocks from the school, so I asked why it took so long.
He explains that because of all the one-way streets, the walk to school is pretty quick, but to get home, he has to take a different, much longer route.
15. Going The Wrong Way Round
My friend Will got a job at a gas station/fast food place. During his first week there, they were training him on the sandwich line. He said everything was going well and he had the manager there with him to help him out. He finally gets his first customer. The guy orders a steak and cheese. Keep in mind that a steak and cheese sub is Will’s favorite food and he makes good ones at home, so it should be no issue for him.
Well Will makes the man's sandwich and even the manager comments on his good job making it. Right as he was about to wrap the sandwich, the customer notices that he forgot to cut the sandwich and asks Will to do it. This is exactly where it all went wrong. Will says, "Oh ya I forgot sorry about that," then proceeded to lay the sub down on its side and cuts the sub long ways.
The manager and the customer are now just both staring at Will in complete disbelief. Finally the manager asks him why he cut the sandwich like that and Will responds with "that's how you showed me." That was not how he was shown. So the manager and customer at this point start to laugh about it. The manager explains that in no way, shape, or form were you trained that way. He tells Will he can keep that sub for himself and to make the customer another one.
Will makes another perfect sub and begins to wrap it up when the customer notices for a second time he didn't cut it. Now to this day none of us could figure out what went through Will’s mind. Maybe he thought it would get a good laugh, maybe he was super hungry and thought he would get another free sandwich. All we know is that he laid that second sub down on its side and cuts it lengthwise again.
Both the manager and the customer were upset by this point and the manager sent Will away and made the sub himself. Will was removed from the sub station permanently and made into a cashier that shift. But the story didn’t end there. I finally asked Will (in front of some other friend) about the fateful sub day and his unorthodox cutting methods.
I said, “Will, if you had a long day at work and you're starving so you stop to pick up a steak n cheese on the way home and right before they hand you what looks to be a delicious sub...They cut it in half like the way you did, would you accept that sub? Will emphatically said with a look of disgust on his face: “Heck no! I wouldn't take that sandwich." He didn't understand our laughter.
16. Some Neighborly Advice
We had new neighbors move in three days ago, and we’ve already had some interesting interactions. This is gonna be rough!! On their first day here, they knocked on our door to ask if our power was out. We said “no” and they said theirs was. I asked if their breaker switches were flipped. They had no clue what I was talking about. Not a big deal, not everyone knows about this, although they should.
So I offered to come over and have a look. When I walked in their house, I immediately got confused. The lights were on. I said, “I thought your power was out?” They said “It is! Our TV and Nintendo switch won’t turn on!” I went over to the entertainment stand they pointed at and had a look. They had the TV and the switch plugged into a power bar. The power bar has a red light up switch on it to indicate whether it’s turned on or off.
The light was off. I flipped the switch over and of course it worked. They didn’t seem embarrassed or anything. Turns out, that was just the prelude. Later that night, we have another bang on the door. It’s the neighbors. They say, “Are you sure the power isn’t acting weird? Ours is out again.” I ask them if all the power is out or just the TV and Nintendo switch.
They say TV and Switch so I tell them just to flip the light up button to on, on the power bar. They said they did and nothing happened. Reluctantly, I drag my butt over there to have a look. They now have a few more things plugged into the power bar, like a Scentsy candle, a charger of some sort and their cable box. When plugging these other things in, they unplugged the TV to make room for the other cords.
I let them know that if your TV isn’t plugged in, your Switch or cable won’t show up on the screen. OBVIOUSLY. Once again, they weren’t embarrassed. Fast forward to the next day. I can smell the scent of food. Really strongly. I can’t make out what it is, but something smells off. Almost like a chemical smell mixed with spices or something like that.
Anyways, I continue on with my day, scent in the air the whole time. I should have known disaster was coming. I’m out in my backyard doing some gardening when my neighbor yells at me over the fence. “Hey! Do you like deer jerky?” It didn’t click in my head immediately. I said “Yeah I do, why? You got some?” He says “Well not yet, but I will soon. I’m smoking it in the basement.”
It instantly popped into my head to ask what the heck he was using, because it shouldn’t smell like chemical. So I ask him, “You got your own meat smoker?” He says “Yeah I made it myself. It’s not that hard. Just need an old rain barrel pretty much.” I said “A plastic rain barrel!?!? Are you serious?!?!” He looked confused and said “Yeah. Why?”
I then explained to him about how plastic is toxic and when it’s heated up, it releases all that onto your meat. He shrugged it off and said “No big deal, it’ll be fine.” Somehow, that wasn’t the end of it. Today, their children (6 and 8) were running around in our front yard. We don’t really care if kids walk on our grass, as long as they stay out of the garden.
They were wrestling and we had a good time watching them scrap out the front window for about 5 minutes. That was until the younger kid hurt the older kid. As soon as he hurt him he knew he was in trouble. He took off running through the garden, trampling all over my wife’s flowers. His older brother followed and trampled over them some more.
My wife and I went running out to tell them they can’t do that. We told them nicely, didn’t raise our voices or swear. They apologized and left. Not even five minutes after we left, their parents came banging on the door. “Why are you telling our kids off?” We were stunned and explained the situation to them. Their response “our kids don’t lie.” I literally laughed.
Instead of continuing to argue with someone that won’t listen, I was just going to walk away. As I was about to close the door, his wife pipes up, “I don’t get why you guys would be so mad about them wrecking some ugly flowers anyways. It’s the city’s flowers. Like, why do you care so much?” My wife went off. “The city’s flowers? Ugly flowers? Why the heck would these be the city’s flowers?”
The wife then responds, “Like, how dumb are you? All front yards are city property. Like, know your laws idiot!” That’s when I shut the door. Wish me luck!
17. Time To Buzz Off
I know a middle-aged man named Aaron who is 100% a complete idiot. This man can hear anything on the news or on the radio, interpret it using his small brain, and take it as end-all, be-all fact. Don't even argue with him. This particular time a few years ago, it was extremely hot outside and he was trying to explain what he learned on the news.
Apparently, he was told the air isn't actually hot it's just "vibrating" (yes, at super basic level this is sort of true). He went on to say that wind was made by said vibrations, and when it was hot it vibrated so much it produced the “summer noise.” I think this brilliant gentleman thought the noise of CICADAS was produced by the heat itself. Yes, the bugs that make the loud chipper noise. The bugs.
At this point I was too dumbstruck to even have any sort of explanation or counter-argument.
18. Show And Tell
When I was in high school, some of the jocks decided that Home Ec would be an easy A. One of the jocks was an absolute fool. So, the Home Ec class is learning how to use sewing machines. This guy is sewing merrily away, with his thumb sticking out perpendicular to his left hand, putting it on trajectory toward the needle. Not surprisingly, he runs his thumb through the feed and punctures it several times.
He calls out to the teacher for help. She comes over and asks him, “What did you do?” He replies, “I did this,” and proceeds to repeat his actions, including going through the feed and getting additional puncture wounds to his thumb.
19. If At First You Don’t Succeed, Fail Again
I met this guy, Lewis, while interning at a non-profit organization. Lewis interned in the archives department, and once the summer was coming to an end he decided he would get a permanent job there no matter the cost. This led to several hare-brained schemes and unsuccessful attempts to show how good of an employee he could be. He tried to apply to a position in his department that had not existed for years because of budget cuts.
But Lewis was a member of the organization and thought he was superior to everyone else, so of course he thinks they'll just find the money so that he can continue working there. He meets with the main hiring director who again tells him there is no money or need for the position but that doesn't stop Lewis. Instead he comes up with an even worse plan.
Lewis decides to apply for another position in a completely different department that he has no qualifications for. His plan is to get the job....and then after a couple weeks move back into his old office at the archive department and pretend like he had been working there the whole time. Of course, his plan was ruined by the fact that he told co-workers about it, so some people already knew about his false intentions before he even had the interview.
Before this interview, Lewis tried to show how he can be a model employee. One day my soda got trapped in the vending machine. Lewis attempted to prove how macho he was in front of the hiring director by shaking and punching the machine until he was red in the face and ran out of breath. The best was yet to come. The hiring director then proceeds to pull out a key and unlock the machine in a couple seconds.
This make Lewis look like an absolute idiot while he's about to pass out from exhaustion. A few days later at lunch, one of the other interns mentions how she's getting some furniture delivered to her apartment. Lewis butts in and says, "I can come over to your place and help assemble it for you." She tells him thanks but I can do it on my own, but Lewis is unfazed.
"NO, I'm going to come over and help you, this is a man's job." What’s creepy is that Lewis was older than most of the interns by about five years. having already gotten a master’s degree while everyone else was undergrad students. A week later, Lewis receives a visitor in his office. The new CEO who was due to start in a month wanted to check in with everyone.
The CEO begins to explain how he wants to run things when Lewis tries correcting him. Despite having only worked there for two months and being due to leave in a week, Lewis starts to lose his patience. "THIS IS HOW WE"VE DONE THINGS IN THE PAST AND THIS IS HOW WE"RE GONNA KEEP DOING THEM." Somehow he still thought he had a good chance going into the interview despite screaming at the new CEO, who would have to approve new employees.
Well this ends exactly how you thought it would. He doesn't get the job and mopes back to his office to pack up his stuff, riding off into the sunset to scam his way into another job.
20. A Special Guest
I used to work at a motel. It was not the sort of motel chain that brings to mind images of chocolates placed on pillows or romantic evenings in the hot tub; indeed, its signature decor can be seen in the background of certain low-budget rap videos. However, Mr. and Mrs. Idiot made it their monthly romantic getaway. In fact, due to a generous corporate policy that directed managers to provide an extra night free of charge to soothe any complaining guests, for a period lasting a year or more, they succeeded in stretching their monthly getaway to two nights.
Among the complaints that won them an extra night: The room was full of bugs after they left the door open all evening. The toilet stopped flushing after they emptied their ashtray into it The manager eventually received permission from corporate to cap the number of free nights a guest could be eligible for. The couple were the only guests ever to reach this lifetime cap at our motel.
Their shock over no longer having one free night a month did not end their regular getaway, however. It had to get much grosser. That was achieved after an incident involving copious amounts of vomit. Mr. and Mrs. Idiot were informed that they were now on the no-rent list. Apparently, this monthly stay was important to their marriage, because a few months later the manager received a call from Mrs. Idiot's divorce attorney.
What vital information did he need? He wanted to confirm that Mr. Idiot was responsible for both of them being banned from the motel. Yes, this was apparently part of the divorce proceedings. The manager explained that he considered each of them equally responsible, which was not the answer the attorney expected or wanted. Not long after, Mrs. Idiot called the front desk.
"You have me banned under the name Jane Idiot," she announced. "But—" and here she could not hide her pleasure at her own cleverness, "that's not my name anymore. I got divorced, and now my name is Jane Kelly." We had the pitch-perfect response. The front desk employee, trying to hide their laughter, said, "Ok, we'll make sure to ban you under the name Jane Kelly, too." A gasp of dismay, and the line went silent.
21. Stay Thirsty
My sister used to work with a lady who was a total airhead. Let’s call her Kelly. There were a ton of stories, but this one in particular really stuck with me. One day Kelly had to call out from work in the middle of a heatwave. She was in the hospital, on IV fluids, from dehydration and heat exhaustion. After returning to work, my sister asked her how she got so dehydrated. The answer was mind-blowing.
Apparently, poor Kelly had no idea why at first, although I'm certain they tried hard to explain it to her at the hospital. I wasn't there, but from my sister's story, the conversation went something like this: Sister: "What happened? How did you get so dehydrated?" Kelly: "I don't know! I was just swimming." Sister: "Were you drinking water?"
Kelly: "Not really. But I was swimming!" Sister: "Uh, ok? You weren't drinking anything though? Like all day? It was almost a hundred degrees!" Kelly: "Yeah but I was in the water so I wasn't hot. And you can't get dehydrated when you are in water." No amount of explanation could convince her that she could, and did, get dehydrated while swimming because she didn't drink any fluids for hours on an incredibly hot day.
Too bad my sister doesn't work with her anymore, the woman was a gold mine.
22. A Hard Lesson To Learn
There is a ridiculous girl in my class this semester. Entry level course. Students are around 18 years old. First week. I teach physics. That day, I used an example based on the scan of a running body. I then let the student work on another example based on a javelin. The girl raises her hand to signal she has a question. It was the strangest thing I ever heard. I walk to her desk and she asks, “Can you tell me what my finger has ?”
I don't understand so I freeze, confused. She then puts her finger really close to my face and I see some reddish skin shedding. “My finger, it hurts and I don't know what it is.” I'm baffled and I say I'm not a doctor and that questions about physics would be more appropriate. “Well.. you talked about the body of a person running. I thought you were a doctor.”
A few days later, we are in the computer lab. They have to follow a few steps, written on a sheet of paper, to retrieve some files. She raises her hand. Apparently, the computer is broken. She says that when she follows the first step, the computer shuts down First step is to click on the "start menu." She repeatedly pushed the power button. The "start button."
She did a few other dumb things not worth mentioning, but she managed a 0 on her final exam. But that’s not even the weirdest part. The weird part is that her copy was not blank. In fact, it was filled with words and equations. Except nothing made sense. But it wasn’t like some students do when they don't know the answer. Usually those are copying formulas for the sake of putting something on the paper and you can see on paper that those students do not feel strongly about their performance.
Her exam was not like that. It was an actual "resolution" of the problem. Basic algebra logic was thrown out of the window, but her way of giving her answers was full of confidence. I have never seen someone so blind about their lack of skills. She failed way under the passing grade, then asked to see her exam in my office. She tried to argue about my grading being too harsh.
I explained calmly how everything was defying reality on her copy, but she was still arguing some of it was good. I'm simplifying here, but her arguments were like: Ok, you said I should have used the conservative principle of energy here and the answer was 256, but my answer is 28 and at least I have one correct digit, even without using the right approach.
I don't even know how she made it that far. I don't even know how she will be able to provide for herself as an adult.
23. The Slow And The Dead
So this happened a few years back. I apply for a new job, which requires a drug test for all new employees. The company is relatively small and handles all of their testing in-house using dipsticks. There is little to no supervision or protocols when you take the test. They literally hand you a cup, ask you to go into one of the bathrooms stalls (it’s not even a single stall bathroom), have you pee in a cup, then hand them the cup.
They dip it right in front of you then you are done. Easy right? So this girl comes out and hands her cup of urine to the supervisor, who then proceeds to test it. Supervisor looks up at her and shows her the dipstick. Then this glorious conversation takes place. Supervisor: So you want to try again? Her (confused): No. You have my urine right there.
Supervisor: Oh, so you're dead then? Her: (more confused): Huh? Supervisor: Look, the urine you gave me was about 58 degrees Fahrenheit. Either you are lying or you are dead. And since you don't look or sound like a corpse, I'm going to assume that it is not your urine. Her: It is my urine! I am cold-blooded. That's all. Supervisor (chuckling): Are you trying to tell me that your natural body temperature is around 58 degrees?
Her: Well I've never checked it, but yeah when I am nervous it's something around there. Needless to say, she was sent home immediately and told not to come back.
24. The Mother Of All Idiots
At one point, I believed my mother might have a severe learning disability, coupled with learned helplessness. No, she's just an idiot. When given directions to go to the end of the block to find parking, she shot back, "How am I supposed to know what a block is, I don’t remember that from school!?" After learning I have a gluten intolerance, she makes sure to buy me foods that don't contain gluten.
"I brought you gluten-free olives, gluten-free tomatoes, and gluten-free baby carrots." When I explain gluten comes from wheat, she shoots back, "Well I'm not wrong!" Speaking of baby carrots. I love them. My mom tells me how horrible they are because they are packaged in cancer. The water inside is cancer. She yells at me anytime I eat them. Unless they are the gluten-free type she brings over.
The first time she declared bankruptcy (the first of three) she claimed it was the furniture store's fault. She had purchased a new living room set. Yes, and it gets more bizarre. Despite having money for it, she mistook the "No payments for a year" deal as meaning "You are not allowed to pay for this for a year." By then the interest had made it far more expensive and the original money was spent.
The first time I brought my new boyfriend, now husband, over she giggled and told me she had something to show me. She walked me to her bathroom and said, "I've never pooped so big in my life! I saved it to show you!" It had been there for days. My husband still mentions this. I once bought her a laptop. This was an enormous mistake.
I spent the next year giving lesson after lesson. Simple things like how to make folders and organize pictures, how to use Google or Netflix. It was fruitless and caused a lot of fights between us. Eventually she said the computer stopped turning on and I viewed it as a blessing. After about six months of her complaining, I finally went to her house to see why it wouldn't turn on.
It was not plugged in. It. Was. Not. Plugged. In. I also bought her a cellphone. She can never remember how to find the pictures she's taken, how to access her email, and specifically how to connect it to her WIFI to save data. She told me she had the cable guy come out three times to see why it wouldn't connect, but it was simply broken.
I went over, looked at the password that comes printed on the router, typed it into her phone, and it connected. My mom swears I should go into tech support. Despite being technologically inept, though, she sadly knows how to use Facebook. I am not on Facebook. Daily she'd send me Facebook links to gluten-free recipes and warnings about cancer in every product I use.
I would respond daily, "I am not on Facebook and cannot view the link." Her solution was ridiculous. She would screenshot the articles, take her phone to Walgreens, have the photo center people get the pictures off her phone, print them, and she'd then physically mail them to me. I have received over one hundred 4x6 screenshots of spam since December.
Speaking of Facebook, she believes everything. It's sad and annoying, but occasionally hilarious. My favorite was when she excitedly told me that this Halloween is the first in 666 years to fall on Friday the 13th.
25. Catch Me If You Can
This server at the restaurant I work at apparently took a customer’s credit card info while checking them out. He then goes on shopping spree with it , pending close to $7,000 in a matter of a few days. He wasn’t just using it on online purchases but somehow even used it at places like jewelry stores where there are no shortage of surveillance cameras.
I don’t know how he thought he could get could away with any of that. What truly makes this a great story is how they busted him. Once the owner of the card notified authorities, officers went to one of the jewelry stores where he bought a $600 gold necklace and had them call they guy to come back him for some reason. Not sure how they convinced him to return but he did.
Sure enough, he walked right back into the store with officers just waiting for him. Last I checked, he’s being charged with around seven felonies, and he had priors. I doubt he will see the outside of cell for a long time.
26. Too Much Of A Good Thing
This was related to me by a co-worker. This is at a casino coffee shop that also serves soft-serve ice cream and makes ice cream sundaes. On the condiment bar, there's a large glass bottle with honey syrup in it for adding to your tea or whatever, along with cream, sugar, etc. It's in an old Torani syrup bottle with a stopper/pourer thing and clearly liquid.
It's a honey/water mixture, like a non-alcoholic mead. Family of idiots come in and order three sundaes, all different. They each grab the honey syrup container and just dump it on their ice cream sundaes. Like, all over the sundaes. And the counter. They each take a bite of the sundaes and come up the order counter and complain that they're too sweet.
They want a refund or new sundaes. This is about $16-$22 worth of ice cream depending on what they got. The refund or free sundaes are denied since they did this to their own ice cream. They buy all new sundaes, walk over to the condiment counter, and add honey syrup again, but this time not as much.
27. A Game Of Telephone
My sister turned 21 today so I have been mulling over some of her more extreme stupid moments while writing a speech for her party. This is one of my faves: About three years ago my brother was about to move to New York (we live in Western Australia). My sister came up to him with a grave look on her face and asked if he was going to “Gunpoint.”
He was confused and asked to her clarify. She said that she didn’t think he should go there. My brother asked her if she thought “Gunpoint” was an actual place and she responded that she thought it was a place in NYC and it didn’t sound very safe because people were always getting "held up at “Gunpoint.”
28. Getting Her Wires Crossed
The woman I work with is a lovely lady, but a bit clueless. In addition to that, she refuses to take hints. As an example, she became a huge fan of the show The Expanse and she tried every day to make me watch it. I told her over and over that my husband had watched it, and I'd glanced at a few episodes over his shoulder, but, while I could see that it was an amazing show, it just wasn't my cup of tea.
That didn't work. She still kept trying to make me watch it. Finally, in some desperation, I said "If you want to talk about the show with other people, have you tried Reddit?" She'd never heard of Reddit, so I explained, "There are discussion threads for every topic you can possibly name. I guarantee there will be some about The Expanse." She seemed interested and said she'd check it out.
Fast-forward a couple of months. She and I were discussing some random topic, and I said "I saw a post about it on Reddit." She got a very weird look on her face and said accusingly, "What were you doing on Reddit?" Puzzled, I said, "Why shouldn't I be?" She said angrily "Oh, gee, I don't know—because you're married?" Now I was even more puzzled and asked, "What's that got to do with it?".
She looked a little less certain and said "Well, it's a dating site, isn't it?" Turned out that she'd completely forgotten our previous conversation and had Reddit confused with Tinder.
29. Acronyms Are Hard, To Be Fair
This happened way back in high school. Senior year government class. I had grown up with this girl. She was your classic dumb blonde cheerleader type. We all expected dumb things to come from her. But usually they were good natured and an attempt was made. But I’ll never forget this one time. We're learning about the different government entities and we get to NASA.
The teacher asks "who knows what it stands for?" and most people get it wrong but are very close ("National Air and Space Association" is what I hear the most). But this girl, to the surprise of everyone, raises her hand so fiercely. And she's like "I know this!" This is a girl who thought the American Revolution happened in 1900…But we're all very interested to know what she's going to say.
The teacher is taken aback that she might know this too. But he's like "please, share with the class!" Because he really wants her to do well. So, with so much pride she sits up and goes "NASA stands for NATIONAL AUTO PARTS OF AMERICA!" To say the class laughed was an understatement. The teacher laughed so hard he had tears in his eyes.
He wasn't trying to be mean but was caught off guard. She rolled with it because her making dumb statements was the norm. This has stuck with me for almost 20 years and still makes me smile.
30. This One’s A Keeper
Last year I had the luck to live with an idiot roommate in a shared house at university. Here are a few of his adventures. He got hit by a train. Tipsy ad trying to get himself home, he realized he was on the wrong platform…so walked straight across and woke up in hospital with officers by his side telling him not to leave. That’s not what ended up happening.
He jumped out of a window onto his damaged legs and took a taxi home. He was later fined for trespassing on the railway. He also managed to score 109% plagiarism on an essay for his course. He claimed that ‘because he copied it from a book and not from the internet, he didn’t think they would be able to tell.” They could tell. He scored zero. We are still unsure of how 109% plagiarism is even possible.
He managed to lose three iPhone 7s in the space of five months and would just buy a new one every time one went missing. One time, still tipsy, he climbed a building and proceeded to fall two stories onto the pavement. He woke up with no memory of the night but couldn’t walk properly and was peeing blood. He decided not to go to the hospital because he doesn’t like queues and waiting, so he limped for two months and ignored his bloody urine.
He once showed up to work eight hours late. When asked where he was, he told his managers that he was still coming down off Ketamine from the night before. Somehow he was not fired for this. One time when we had a party, he got on our roof and proceeded to fall off, ripping the guttering off with him, which he proceeded to stab my other housemate with for a joke.
He once snorted cocoa powder as he was told it would get him high. He has failed his first year of university twice now, and is currently paying to retake it for the third time. He hasn’t told his parents. They expect him to graduate this year.
31. One Cooked Turkey
I work at a grocery store that always get slammed during the day of a major holiday (or day before if we aren’t open on the holiday in question), because every other chain store would be sold out from last minute panic buying as well. I was just finishing up restocking what I could in the baking aisle (since that’s where most of the demand comes from) and I was about to start getting ready to close when a man came up and asked me, “Where are your frozen turkeys?”
“They’d be in the frozen foods section in the little bunker in the middle of the aisle,” I politely said, albeit questioning why anyone would buy a FROZEN turkey at 4 pm on Thanksgiving Day. They wouldn’t be able to cook it fully unless they deep fried it immediately once they came home, and that was still probably not going to happen.
“No no no,” the man said, “I don’t mean those frozen turkeys, I mean the other kind of frozen turkey.” Riiiiight... “Uhhh, I’m sorry sir,” I said, “those are the only frozen turkeys we have. If you wish we might have some hams in our meat department that are thawed and should be good by your Thanksgiving din-“ “I don’t want a stupid ham, I want a proper frozen turkey, your hams are properly frozen yet I see no turkeys.”
It was then I realized that he meant REFRIGERATED turkeys, not frozen ones. “Sir, we don’t SELL refrigerated turkeys, we only have the ones in our frozen section.” “Why wouldn’t you have a good and proper frozen turkey?” He asked, infuriated by the simple information given to him, “(Popular Chain superstore) sells them and they’re all sold out.”
“Because they’re a ginormous superstore while we’re a much smaller grocery store,” I explained, “now unless you have another question I need to get back to work.” He left in a huff, muttering something about how we lost a customer because we didn’t sell what he wanted. I let out a sigh of relief before hearing someone behind me ask, “Excuse me sir, where are your frozen turkeys?”
I nearly lost my head before recognizing the voice as my grandfather’s, who apparently was listening to the whole conversation while choosing a refrigerated HAM for Thanksgiving dinner.
We laughed for a while about it before I had to go get ready to close up the store and he had to go back to his house and get ready for Thanksgiving.
32. Safe AND Sorry
This took place over a decade ago, when I was 17. I was getting my A Levels from a high school in India (I’m Indian). There was this loveable fool, Dennis, who was a part of our group. Very funny guy. I can’t be sure if he was playing dumb for laughs or just really dumb at times. Anyway, most people in our group were couples and were getting sexually active.
We had one popular couple who would be intimate without protection and then the girl would take a birth control pill (emergency contraceptive) after. She would take at least 4-5 each month, I really hope she’s doing okay now. The rest of us played safe and very rarely had to go for the pill. At that time, the pill that was easily available cost like $2.50 and was called something like “Pill 72” and it had two pills in it.
The first pill had to be taken within 72 hours and the second had to be taken 12 hours after the first. We all knew that because it was mentioned in the little booklet that came in the box. Well one day, Dennis and his girl lost their virginities to each other. Of course they used no protection at all and decided to listen to the popular couple instead of everyone else.
Dennis and his girl were at my boyfriend’s house and we were all chilling. The guy from the popular couple bought the pills for Dennis’ girl and handed them over for her to take. Dennis, like the gentleman he was, opened the packaging for her, poured her a glass of water, and gave her a pill in her hand. Then he did something that made me gasp.
He then takes the second pill, pops it into his own mouth, and then proclaims “done.” It took us the next half hour to explain that he wasn’t supposed to take it, it was meant only for her. He still couldn’t understand. We made him read the booklet and we tried to find a video for him to watch. He was still unconvinced. It got to the point where someone ran down to get his girl another pill for her to take 12 hours later.
I heard he took the second pill AGAIN, “just to be safe.” In fact, the next time they used the pill, they bought two, and he took one set and she took the other. We tried to talk sense into the girl and she said “just go with it.”
33. A Menace To Society
This guy, Rob, worked with a small rotating group of people. Slowly but surely, he annoyed each of them by being dumb and angry. Rob’s 35, the first co-worker is barely 17, sweet girl and a very hard worker. Everyone is protective over her, even though she's pretty tough and probably doesn't need it. Rob repeatedly asked her out to eat, making it a point it wasn't a date, yet also saying it would just be the two of them.
Creepy guy. He didn't take her polite rejections, didn't take her flatly saying no, then finally got mad and confused when she went off on him. The manager had a long talk with him, and he lost hours since he refused to work with her and not be a creep. Second co-worker is an older guy, 60 or so. Deaf as a post and needs some serious hearing aids to function. Really cool guy.
Rob first complained the older guy was allowed to wear headphones...manager explained the difference but we're not sure he understood. Then, Rob kept turning down the volume on the monitors (which are vital for older guy’s job and nothing to do with Rob’s) because "he should be able to hear fine with robot ears." Older guy requested not to work with Rob.
After a sit down with HR and Rob not budging on robot ears, he lost even more hours. We're convinced they didn't fire him then because they thought he was so dumb he must be disabled. Nope, and they lived to regret it. Third co-worker is a young woman, who took exactly 0% of Rob’s antics from day one. He continually talked bad about co-worker one, and co-worker three continually defended her.
Story goes that Rob grabbed her butt, so she decked him in the face, and his defense was that there was a spider on her and he was trying to save her. HR suspended him, investigated, but apparently co-worker three dropped it saying the hit to his face and ego should be enough. They reluctantly let him back but yet again, with less hours.
During this time we had a boss leave, so many people got to move up a position or two. This manager had been there for years and was the obvious choice for the manager position. Rob complained, saying she wasn't a "people person" like he was. He spent his time trying to sabotage her, in the weirdest ways possible. Moved stuff and blamed it on her. There was just one thing he forgot. He did it right in front of the cameras.
She was the only person he could work with due to past issues, and he continually complained about having to work with her. Made her explain basic aspects of the job to him, stuff he’s been doing the whole time he’s been there, then would mess it up, blaming her for not training him right. Ate others’ lunches, left the containers in her office.
One lunch included something the manager is allergic too, not deadly allergic but still not something to mess with. At the sight of that container in her trash she went directly to HR, who had been keeping an eye on him, then filed a complaint about the lunch thefts. This was enough to fire him, but before the investigation was done he PUT THE ALLERGEN IN HER FOOD, watched her eat it, then congratulated himself on catching her in a lie when she "only broke out in hives.”
Fired, charges pressed, and was escorted off the property within a half an hour. He was mad, saying they had no evidence, because he had made sure to stay off the cameras. The escort responded, "No you didn't, but thank you for the confession."
34. Man On The Run
A few years ago, I was a Driver Trainer for a large trucking company. Basically, my job was to take newly-minted truck drivers and teach them how to handle themselves in the real world. Sometimes, it was easy; other times it was like teaching a fish to play tennis. One of my students, Dale, was so dense he made a lead brick seem like a feather pillow.
Not because of his driving, but because he almost got himself (and me) arrested. Here’s the story. Dale was on my truck for about three weeks. He wasn’t the worst student I had, but he was far from the best. At week two, we end up stuck in Salt Lake City, Utah after delivering a load. It was a slow time of year and SLC had always been a sparse area for outgoing loads, so I expected to have to wait to leave out.
Not a big deal; I needed the downtime. Dale, from out of nowhere, started to seem anxious about something. When I ask him why he’s so tense, he tells me he needs to get his license changed to his home state. He lived in Louisiana, but his license was from Iowa. The company used a loophole in Iowa state law by granting temporary residency to students to get them a license.
After the license was issued, they had 30 days to get it switched to their home state. Not a major issue since management knew the drill and would get us to the student’s home state in plenty of time. “Dude,” Dale asked, “When can we go to Louisiana? I need to get my license changed.” He asked this every day for a week, but it wasn’t until we were stuck in SLC that is really seemed to bug him.
“Look, I’ve told dispatch you need to get home. They’ll work it out. Just relax.” He didn’t. After three days, we finally get to leave SLC bound for Chicago. It takes a few days and the entire trip, I can tell he’s getting more and more nervous. Eventually, he can’t talk about anything else except how he NEEDS to get home. He was getting pretty annoying.
We make our delivery in Chicago and get another going to Laredo, Texas. Normally, we would have gone through Houston, Texas, but this happened during the massive floods and I knew going that way would be a bad idea. Fortunately, I found a way that would avoid the flooding AND get Dale to his hometown. Better still, we would have enough time for him to get a ride to the DMV, get his license changed and still make delivery in plenty of time.
Win-win-win. And Dale finally seemed relieved. We get to Dale’s hometown on a Sunday afternoon. As he gets ready to leave, I tell him “First thing in the morning, get your butt to the DMV, get your license taken care of and get back here pronto so we can get going.” He says “OK” and leaves with his girlfriend while I enjoy some time to myself.
The next morning, I give Dale until 10AM before I start getting impatient. I texted him, asking where he was, and got no reply. I text again; again, no answer. I call...no answer. I tell dispatch, who’s asking me when we’ll get moving, that Dale has disappeared; he was supposed to get his license changed over but I haven’t heard from him all day.
Dispatch tries to call him and they don’t have any better luck. Apparently, Dale has disappeared. By late afternoon, I start getting the feeling this little jerk has bailed on me and wasted my time (this was a common occurrence for new drivers). I tell dispatch that I’ll give him until the morning to reach out; if he doesn’t, I’ll continue on to Laredo on my own.
There was still plenty of time and dispatch agreed. Morning came, Dale was still AWOL and I was out of patience. I send him one more text telling him I’m leaving without him and head out. I drive for several hours before taking a mandatory break and check my messages. I check my texts and see a huge surprise. Dale had actually reached out to me.
“Hey, man. My PO found out I took a job driving and was angry that I left Louisiana. She told me to get back as soon as possible or she would have me listed as a fugitive. I called her yesterday (Monday) but she’s out of town and told me to wait till she gets back on Wednesday.” I’m completely shocked. PO?…as in PAROLE OFFICER?!?!
“Dale, are you telling me you’re on parole and leaving the state without permission?!” “Yeah, I got parole for two years. I didn’t think it be a big deal since I was working.” “Dude, you violated your parole! You’ll be lucky if you don’t end up back behind bars. “Well, my PO said she wants to talk about it Wednesday.” “Yeah, I imagine so. You better get in touch with dispatch and let them know so they can work something out.”
I end the conversation and continue on to Laredo. I deliver the load and pick up another headed to Atlanta, GA. Thursday, I call Dale to find out what the deal was. He tells me that his PO gave him the OK to keep working. “I assume you have some kind of official document that says that.” I tell him. “Uh…no. She didn’t give me one.” “Then you better GET one because there is no way I’m leaving the state with you unless I have something from the state saying it’s OK.”
“Uh…why?” “Because if I carry you across state lines KNOWING you’re violating parole, that makes me an accessory.” “Oh, ok. I’ll ask her.” I tell Dale when and where to meet me. I tell him that if he disappears again, I’m not coming back to get him. He says he understands. I get to the location when I said I would….and he’s nowhere to be seen.
I text…no answer. By this point, my patience for this clown is completely gone. I tell dispatch I don’t trust this guy’s word and I’m not taking a chance on him lying to me. I leave out again and head for Atlanta. Dale does reach out…six hours later…and wants to know if I’ll come back for him. I tell him that he has lied three times and acted so shady that I can’t trust him to do the right thing.
If he wants to finish his training, he can sort something out with management but he won’t see me again. Months later, I found out the whole story. Dispatch told me later that Dale’s PO had NOT given him permission to leave the state again. Apparently, I made the right call by leaving him there. Fortunately, they weren’t interested in prosecuting me. I have no idea what happened to Dale, but I imagine he did something else that was stupid and landed back in the slammer.
35. When One Door Closes…
A couple of years ago, I worked at a cafe, and met my fair share of...interesting people, but this couple takes the cake when it comes to sheer stupidity. For some quick context, the main entrance to the cafe is a door you just have to pull in order to open. I was cleaning up the coffee machine after I had made a cup for a customer when I looked out the glass wall to see a man and a woman approach the cafe.
The woman tries to push open the door. It doesn't work. I figure she just did that classic thing where you're not sure which way the door opens and just tried pushing first, since it requires less effort than pulling, so I don't think much of it, and just get ready for when they enter. She pushes the door again. Okay. Maybe she figured the door was just stuck.
I mean, that happens every now and then, right? I'm about to go help when I see the man walk past her with that "I got this" look on his face. He confidently places his hand on the handle and...he pushes. Then it just escalates He looks genuinely surprised, and tries again. And again. And again. Each time, he gets more forceful, at one point slamming his shoulder against the glass door.
The two are so preoccupied with this door that they don't even notice me staring dumbfounded at them the whole time, other than being, you know, helpful. Eventually, I figure that if I don't help, they'll either leave or break the door, so I push myself from the counter to go there and help them. That's when they spot an open sliding door on the other side of the cafe, leading to the outside tables, which are very popular at that time of the year, and decide to go around and squeeze past all the guests sitting there and enjoying their meals.
When they finally made it through, it's as if the stars and planets aligned perfectly. They look toward the main entrance to see an old man approach, place a hand on the handle, and...pull the door open with no effort. It had been an absolutely uneventful day up until that point, so I had to ask a co-worker who didn't witness this to handle them, and I just walked into the back to laugh.
36. Very Conditional Love
Long ago, in his unwise youth, my husband dated a girl, let’s call her Jane. Jane had a job that had required a certain level of education. She had stable employment, a modest but nice apartment, and a decent car. It was time to reward herself for her success. What she wanted, no, DESERVED, was a brand new car. Granted, it was the 1970s, when car prices were lower, but it was early in her career and she had no savings for a down payment, not to mention she already had a perfectly serviceable car.
Several people, including my husband, gave her an explanation of depreciation and how new cars lose value very quickly, but Jane wasn't having it. She wanted a new car and that was that. Somehow she got someone (we'll say it was a bank, but it may have been a finance company) to give her a loan. Due to the lack of a reasonable down payment and probably her own inept negotiating skills, the monthly payment was rather high and just barely doable, provided she scrimped on things like groceries and heat.
She struggled along stubbornly for a few months, but then was hit with a rent increase. It wasn't much of an increase, but she had absolutely no cushion. Moving wasn't a good option because that would bring other expenses. She asked her dad to give her a loan to make her car payment. He agreed but made it clear it was a one-time thing.
"You've got to talk to the bank and get out of that deal," he told her. "You're going to lose money"—because she was now upside down on the loan due to depreciation—"but you're just digging yourself in deeper." Jane thought it over, and she came up with a plan. It was, to her, the most brilliant plan ever thought of. In fact, she couldn't understand why no one had ever come up with it.
She would sell the car. She did not discuss this plan with anyone, perhaps out of fear of blinding them with her brilliance. She was in a hurry to be rid of it, so she advertised it at far below book value. Her ad was answered by someone who was even stupider than her, and this person did not question why there was no title. Jane brushed her hands together in a "that's done" motion, used the money from the sale of the car to buy a much more modest replacement, and proceeded to move on with life.
Pretty soon the bank called, reminding her she hadn't made her car payment. "I don't have the car anymore," she told them with what can only be imagined as great satisfaction, "so I don't have to make the payment." What had she done with the car, they asked. "I sold it." I see, they said. And exactly where is the car right now? Needless to say, the car was quickly repossessed by the bank from the person who thought they had bought it.
Jane was quite shocked to learn she did indeed have to pay back the loan, which as mentioned earlier was currently more than the value of the car. She was also shocked to learn that if you sell someone a car you don't actually own and it gets repossessed, the person you sold it to will demand their money back. My husband, hearing all this, decided that just maybe he'd look for a girlfriend who was a little bit brighter.
37. Sick And Tired
There is no other way to describe this woman I work with than stupid. She has called in sick multiple times since September 16th. In this time she has: driven herself to the hospital with a 40° temperature. Let us remember that basal body temp is 37°, 39° is classed as a fever, and at 41 or 42 your organs shut down. She blacked out on the Autobahn—you know, that place where CARS DRIVE AT WHATEVER SPEED THEY SEE FIT and crashed.
Last night, she choked, couldn't breathe, and turned blue. Her mother had to come into her room to try and save her. She only decided to seek medical attention this morning. I live in Germany, but am a native English speaker. On our first day, we were talking about languages. I asked if she could speak anything other than German, she said no.
Odd, as lots of Germans our age (she's two years younger than me, I'm in my late 20s) have at least school level English, but whatever. She then had a phone conversation with her mother in perfect Arabic. She couldn't discern that German and Arabic are different languages. She asked me what working visa I had to get to live in Germany and if it was hard to get it.
I am an Irish citizen—we have freedom of movement with the EU, of which Germany is also a member. She was entirely unaware of this. This woman is harmless, but one day is going to unintentionally cause her own end.
38. Getting A Second Opinion
I work as a healthcare provider at a doctor’s office and occasionally will work the front desk. The following exchange happened Friday. Patient: (filling out paperwork) “Are kidney stones the same as a bladder infection?” Me: “No...stones are hardened deposits that form in your kidney” P: “Are you sure??” M: “Yes…they are two different organs.” I wish I had just given up then.
Five minutes later: P: “Are bladder problems the same as kidney stones??” M: “No…still different organs and in different parts of the body.” P: “That can't be right, I have stones and it always hurts when I go to the bathroom, therefore they must be related to the bladder!” M: “I promise they aren't.” P: “Well, how do YOU really know? It's not like you’re a doctor” (insert eye-rolling). “I'll just ask Google!!”
M: “Ok…” P: (a couple of minutes later) “OH MY GOSH! Even Google is agreeing with you! Ugh, I'll just ask the doctor when I get in the room!” M: “That's perfectly fine.”
39. Money For Nothing
My part-time co-worker Andrea came running up to me, bursting with good news. "They did it again! They messed up and paid me an extra hour again this week!" "Huh?" I said, "What do you mean?" "I work from midday to quarter past five every day, but the last few weeks, I've checked my payslips, and they've been paying me 5.25 hours each day! I'm getting an extra ten minutes each day, which is fifty minutes a week, almost a whole extra hour! For nothing!"
"Um" says I, ever eloquent, " You realize that decimal is part of an hour, right? Not minutes?" With an amazingly condescending and pitying look, she says "Yes, I know it's a decimal. Five point two Five. Point two five of an hour is twenty five minutes, but I've only been working fifteen!"
She then throws in, as you might to preschooler, "Twenty-five is ten more than fifteen!" What else could I do? I said, "Wow, that's pretty lucky, don't worry, the secret's safe with me, but you can buy me a couple of beers sometime with your lucky windfall bonus money." I watched as she ran off, happy as a pig in proverbial, utterly convinced she's getting money for nothing.
40. Snack Time Gone Wrong
My idiot “friend” wanted a grilled cheese sandwich. Simple enough, right? Hahahaha…no. After deciding to use his mom's steel pan to make the sandwich, he went about prepping. Mistakes were made. He used fresh butter to coat the bread. Fresh as in just opened and still hard. He just cut off big chunks and basically ripped the bread up trying to spread it.
He cut the cheddar into large chunks as well instead of a series of thin slices. The sandwich was overloaded and lopsided with giant holes in the bread. He turned the heat on the burner to high, and didn't put any oil or butter in the pan, figuring that the butter on the sandwich would be enough. He didn't turn on the fan above the stove and walked out for a minute after setting the sandwich on the pan.
Now, I don't condone using the fire alarm as a cooking timer, but that's what happened. He just decided to flip the sandwich and keep going. The chunks of burned cheese, bread, and butter coating the pan nearly ruined it and there were some pretty bad permanent stains on it even after steel wool was used. Here’s my confession: That idiot was me.
I swear I'm a better cook now, but my mom banned me from the kitchen for a few months after that, and I am still only allowed to use her cast iron when cooking at her house. That specific pan is still in use 10+ years later, though.
41. A Real Brown Thumb
This guy Harvey has been one of my closest friends since college. Absolute genius—top of his undergrad and business school courses, high-flying consultant, etc. It would all be truly nauseating, if he weren’t such an amazing guy. We were roommates for a while in London. Literally, the perfect person to live with—tidy, fun, but also understood boundaries. Except he had one fatal flaw.
At one point when we were living together, I went for a three-week adventure holiday, so was pretty much out of contact. Anyway, I asked Harvey to take care of my plants while I was gone. Seemed a simple ask. Gave him instructions to water them every couple of days and rough amounts of water needed. Came back and the dear boy seemed very guilty.
“Sorry, but I think I may have destroyed some of your plants...I watered them as you said, but something may have gone wrong...” I walk in and look around at my plants, figuring he might have forgotten to water them a couple of days or something…Well, nope, he really did destroy them. Fair enough, things happen right? But then I started smelling this godawful smell in a couple of places.
Couldn’t figure it out. He was Mr. Tidy, remember? Turns out Harvey had watered all of my dried plants—think bundles of sculptural sticks, etc. A bit of fake ivy where I was trying to make an ugly window ledge look pretty. He’d watered them diligently every two days for three weeks. Pools of vile water in the bottom of their containers, like some kind of semi-sentient primordial ooze that absolutely reeked.
Black mold crept up the sides of the containers and on the bases of the plants that yielded clouds of spores when I pulled them out. Black mold is toxic of course, so was a bit scary. I had to trash plants, containers, etc. in case they very likely would make us sick. Turns out my dear, sweet, genius Harvey had noticed the dank smell, but thought that was “probably normal for plants at some point in their lives” and didn’t want to let me down by not watering.
So he lived in our veritable plague farm of a flat for all three weeks suffering in silence. I really had to struggle not to weep while laughing. He was so earnest and had tried so hard. But good lord, sometimes even geniuses can be complete idiots.
42. Good Old Fashioned Fun
Ok so this story takes place when my friend Jules and I were around 13 years old. Jules calls me one day asking if I want to come over and hang out. I say sure and head over. When I get there, to my delight, I find out Jules’s mom had got Jules a ton of fireworks from her out-of-state trip. This included waterproof firecrackers. We set a bunch off. Had a blast.
Then we found some puddles to throw the waterproof ones in. Good fun as well. After a while we went inside for lunch, then his mom went outside to work in the garden. This is when Jules says to me: "Hey! You know what would be awesome? Putting a waterproof firecracker in the toilet!" Now at this point in my friendship with Jules I started to notice...well...that he was a little dim and needed someone to look out for him at times.
So instead of doing the childish thing and encouraging this blatant error in thought, I tried to dissuade him. I told him, "I learned that shockwaves are stronger in water and might blow your toilet up." Jules said no way. I then told him, "You know those old high school movies where kids talk about blowing up the school toilets? Well, I'm pretty sure that's what these firecrackers are like."
He again says no way. But this time he decided to tack on that he was at a mutual friends’ house the day before and they did it with no issue. Now I was pretty mad after he said that because, I was at the mutual friend's house the day before. I knew he was lying to me and I wasn't happy about it. So I decided to get revenge. I said, “Screw it! Let’s do it.”
Jules lit the fuse and dropped it in. The toilet cracked in half. Water went everywhere. All of the blood in his face drained away and he had the look of a man who knew he was about to die. My face, on the other hand, was beet red from crying laughter. I must have laughed for at least 10 minutes straight with an occasional "I told you so!!" in between.
After I calmed down, we went to tell his mom what had happened. Jules begged her to take the blame. He had recently got in trouble with his dad and didn't want to make it worse. To my disbelief, she agreed. Now at this point, I'm waiting for my ride because I'm trying to get the heck out before his dad gets home. No luck. Jules and I quietly hide in his room waiting to hear what happens.
His dad spots the toilet. We hear a loud "what the HECK.” Jules’s mom comes over and tells him she did it. He asks how. She tells him that she sat down too hard. Then silence. About two seconds go by without any noise, which to us felt like forever, as we waited to see if he bought it. Then in the style of the dad from Alvin and the Chipmunks we hear his dad yell, “JULLLLLLLESSS.”
43. This Man Is An Island
This guy I work with, Paul, seems a little…off in general, but he's friendly and an absolute workhorse. Paul didn't take a single day off work in 2018, and maybe even 2017. Sick days? He'll work through it. Vacation? He doesn't like to travel, so nope. Just want to relax for a day? "Relax" is something lazy moochers do. Paul finally took a single day off this year for his daughter's wedding.
Everyone was happy for him. He's shown up for work sick as a dog before and refused to leave, so he finally had an excuse not to come in at least once. But Paul wasn't happy. He apparently tried to get his daughter to schedule her wedding around his work schedule so he didn't have to take the day off. That’s when the unbelievable truth came out. He came back the day after and complained non-stop about how he lost a day's pay.
Um, what? People were confused and asked Paul why he didn't use one of his vacation days. Apparently, the government pays for your vacation and sick leave, not the company. The reason he never takes time off is that he doesn't want to be a lazy moocher who takes money from people's taxes. Everyone tried to explain that's not how vacation and sick leave work, in fact, the company pays for it out of their pocket.
He can take 14 days off and get full pay all at the company's expense. He's literally earned it by working there so long. Nothing worked, and he kept hammering on about how people who take vacation are lazy welfare queens who take his tax money.
44. Nearest, Dearest, And Dumbest
Now this girl, Alice, was gorgeous. Slim, tallish for a girl, blonde, stacked, duuuuuuumb. She was incredibly book smart though. Maths, chemistry, biology absolutely spot on, straight As. She struggled with physics and English and it puzzled her teachers as the skills she needed to pass, she could obviously utilize given her grades in other subjects.
And a lot of them covered the same material. She did pass everything eventually and attended university, but I digress. The highlights from our time were: She put tinfoil in the microwave and it caught fire. She put the microwave in the kitchen sink and turned on the tap to put the fire out. While it was still plugged in. She was having trouble with geography and the teacher was trying to explain and failed.
Eventually, the teacher resorted to basics and asked her to point north. Alice pointed to the ceiling. She did a weird dance thing with her feet while we both were shoeless. I tried it and failed and said I think I've broken my heel because I'd slammed them together. She told me to not be so stupid as I couldn't break a heel with no shoes on.
I proceeded to explain to her what the different parts of your foot were called. She was mesmerized. She would argue vehemently with me that it was perfectly safe for her to fish toast out of the toaster with a metal knife as "I've done it loads of times and I've never been electrocuted," YET my dear friend. If you asked Alice directions, she'd have to hold her hands up to "look for the L for left." Fair enough, a lot of people struggle with that and use that trick. But Alice would do it with her palms facing her.
We watched a movie together once and about halfway through, I realized she shared her name with the main actress and pointed it out. Her reply "Really?! What's her name?!"
45. Too Little, Too Late
This guy I know told his (stupid) wife about an article he read about people in Siberia digging up frozen mammoth tusks and selling them. Her: "That's terrible!". Him: "Why is it terrible?" Her: "They'll sell all the frozen ones and then people will start hunting mammoths for their tusks, and pretty soon they'll all be extinct!"
46. The Theory Of Everything
I may have married an idiot. He initially doesn't strike you as one, because he had a very successful career working for a government alphabet agency. However, some of the things he believes…Once this man gets a notion in his head you cannot remove it with dynamite. If his mother or his teacher Sister Mary Godzilla told him something 50+ years ago, then that was Revealed Truth and could not be changed.
Sister MG told him men have one less rib than women. It has to be that way because God took Adam's Rib to make Eve. I had to show him side-by-side images of male and female skeletons in a medical encyclopedia and make him count the ribs before he believed that Sister may have been mistaken. Sister also told him that plate tectonics was "only a theory, and since theory means guess there wasn't any truth to it."
You know how South America and Africa look like they would fit together like puzzle pieces? Sister told him that was just a coincidence. God made the world the way it was and the bits didn't go floating around like ducks on a pond. "Theory equals guess" also shot down the theory of evolution, the theory of relativity, and a bunch of other science things that didn't agree with the Bible.
However, he seems to have come up with a whole bunch of stuff all on his own: There can't be a volcano under Yellowstone Park because they wouldn't be dumb enough to put a national park on top of a volcano. When you burn a candle only the wick burns. The wax just runs down the side of the candle holder. He had no explanation as to what happens to the wax in a jar candle.
Meat is not the muscle tissue of animals, but something else called the flesh. He did not explain where the muscles go if meat is this mysterious "flesh." Meat also only comes from mammals. Beef is meat and pork is meat, but chicken and turkey are not meat. Nor is fish. Cows just spontaneously start giving milk when they reach adulthood.
Having a calf every year to start the process has nothing to do with it. On the other hand, hens must lay with roosters before they can lay eggs. That the "clear" button on the oven stops the timer. It does not—it turns off the oven and that is all it does. I have made him start the timer and then punch the clear button. See? The timer is still going.
He still tries to use the clear button to turn it off. We've only had this oven for 20 years. The microwave and the toaster oven are basically the same appliance. And since you can put plastic things in the microwave, you can use them in the toaster oven as well. He only did this twice though, since I really yelled at him the second time.
He does seem to have grasped "no metal in the microwave" though, so I guess this is a plus. Sometimes he has to figure things out for himself. My dad would say "You can tell 'em and tell 'em, but some folks have just gotta pee on the electric fence for themselves." Take the top rack of the dishwasher, for instance. The section on the right-hand side is about half an inch wider than all of the other sections.
That makes this the ideal section for cups because they just fit. I told him this. I had him put a cup in the right-hand section and see that it just fits. I then had him put a cup in another section where it did plainly did not fit. About a week later, he came to me and said "I figured out that the right-hand section is wider than the others so that's where we should put the cups."
And this evening's idiocy: Chopped is the same as sliced. He was going to a church picnic and had volunteered to bring sliced tomatoes and lettuce and onions for the hamburgers. He asked me to chop all of these things for him. Not slice—chop. I had to explain the difference. That the volume of a medium-sized bowl is exactly the same as that of a smaller bowl.
This is a long-standing confusion, actually. I cannot tell you how many times I explained that to save cabinet space, you put small bowls inside medium bowls which go inside large bowls. You do not try to stack a medium-sized bowl on top of a small bowl. This man who can pack a moving truck tighter than Marilyn Monroe's girdle simply cannot grasp this simple concept. Or maybe instead of a concept, it's just a theory.
47. The Tank Destroyer
So just over a year ago I switched jobs and went to work for a guy (Bob) who is running a new/used aquarium shop. The shop was built onto his house, so as a result I've become pretty close with his family, including his 15-year-old stepson, who is the stupidest person I've ever met. For the first couple of months, I thought he was just a bit quirky and clumsy, but as I've come to know him more, I've discovered that he is an idiot of the highest order.
Now, I've known some dumb teenagers in my time. Heck, I used to be one. But this kid is just on another level. Just in the year that I've known him: He licked a lit match because he thought fire would taste like a Flamin' Hot Cheeto. He cannot climb a flight of stairs without tripping up them. This is a multiple-times-a-day occurrence. And it gets worse.
He once dropped a bowl of cereal and milk, and rather than clean the mess with a towel, he soaked up the spill with his sock. A sock that was still on his foot. He then put on his shoes, went out to catch the bus, and went to school with a soaking wet milk-sock. He went to the school nurse that day because he was convinced that his foot was bleeding and soaking through his sock.
He's failing gym class. I have no idea how one fails gym class. He has broken more than 20 aquariums in the last year. When we buy used tanks, they need to be washed and leak-tested before we resell them. The boy sometimes does this to help out, but his method is mind-blowingly stupid. He can't understand that when you wrap the hose around an aquarium, you can't just yank it free.
Once, Bob was selling an older fairly-good-condition Cadillac that had been sitting in his driveway for a while. The day before the buyer came to pick it up, the stepson was mowing the yard and scraped the handle of the mower along the entire length of one side of the car. Oh, and he likes to use "Jew" as an insult. When I called him out on it, his reply made my blood run cold.
I discovered that he thought that Jewish people didn't actually exist. He thought that they were an imaginary race of people that everyone pretended to hate. He played lacrosse on his school's team this summer, and got benched all season because he told the coach that he didn't need to run laps or go to practice. This is probably why he's failing gym class.
One day, he left in the morning like normal to go catch the bus. Three hours later, he came back saying that he missed the bus, and he needed to be driven to school. The problem? It was Labor Day. There was no school. He stood at the bus stop for three hours on a day when there was no school. He also eats absolutely everything in sight.
If you leave food unattended for more than 10 seconds, it's gone. Bob went to Taco Bell and got food for the four of us. The stepson was left alone with it and ate his, mine, Bob's, and half of his mom's food before he realized that it probably wasn't all for him. When he found out that I'm a chile-head, he bragged for a week about how he loved super spicy food too.
He then tried a glob of my Exhorresco hot sauce(after I warned him repeatedly not to) and spent the next two hours crying and blaming me. It keeps getting worse. We've been gradually remodeling the house when we're not working in the store. His bedroom was the first room we finished. He managed to put a hole in the wall on the first day he moved in.
Bob told him to wash the truck one day earlier this year. He thought he'd be helpful and wash out the fuel tank as well. With water. His parents signed him up for tutoring to help with his grades. Turns out, all the tutoring in the world won't help your grades if you never turn in your homework. He was under the impression that homework was optional. Also, he routinely falls asleep in class.
He thought that fish were just very active plants. Yes, really. He managed to tip over and dump the contents of the trash can he was taking out to the roadside to be picked up. Rather than pick up the mess, he just kicked it around and spread it out across the yard, in hopes that it would be less noticeable if the mess was less concentrated.
48. Hunk Of Burning Love
This is the story about my good friend Skip, who is a loveable idiot through and through. Skip had a major crush on a girl who I will call Sally. Sally was that girl who had all the right things. Great hair, amazing personality, and she loved it when guys were super creative when they would ask her out on dates. The more creative, the more you had her attention.
It was getting close to Valentines’ day, and time for the dance we called the Sweethearts’ Ball. Skip desperately wanting to ask Sally to the dance, but couldn’t come up with a creative enough way to ask her. Myself and our friend were popping off suggestions while at lunch. Me: Dude, you could always send her some roses. Friend 1: No dude, send her a bag of M&Ms and say, it would be so sweet if you would go to the Sweethearts’ with me.
Friend 2: Dude NO, you should toilet paper her car and say, It would wipe me out if you went to the Sweethearts with me. This is where the problem starts. Friend 3: Dude, that’s stupid, why not just pour a heart shape on her lawn with gasoline and light it on fire and say my heart would go up in flames if you went to the Sweethearts’ dance with me. Skip, listening to all of this, had his mind clamp around one thing that was mentioned.
I’m sure at this point some of you have already figured out the one he chose to do. This was all on a Friday. None of us were present when Skip asked her. However, we did see the horrific aftermath. Here are the events that followed. Monday: Sally avoided Skip. Like, He’s a capital-P Psycho avoided him. Tuesday: Skip is now starting to behave strangely. He’s very nervous and looking over his shoulder.
Wednesday: Skip’s name is called over the intercom system before classes start. About 10 minutes later, the principal’s office calls in me and a couple of friends. We are told to sit outside the office, and we hear a loud conversation inside. Me: Dude, what the heck did Skip do? Friend 1: Don’t know. I’m not sure how we are involved here. Friend 2: He did something stupid I’m sure. Only we had no idea how bad it was.
Me: Dude, do you think he did the toilet paper thing? Friend 2: No, this is something bigger. Friend 1: Our names had to be dropped some time dude. Me: It's kind of freaking me out. About this time Sally walks into the office with a smirk on her face. She says, “Have they told him yet?” All of us are totally confused, Friend 1: Told him what?
That’s when the door opens. My blood ran cold at the sight. Skip comes out, handcuffed. Crying his eyes out, repeating over and over again, “Sorry, sorry, I am so sorry!!” It was then that Sally walks up to him…and gives him a huge hug. Sally: Oh by the way, YES!!! I will go to the Sweethearts’ Ball with you. Our jaws just drop. We are all thinking, what just happened?
They uncuff him, and he has the same look as us. The fire marshal then walks out laughing. Fire Marshal: It was all her idea, I couldn’t refuse my little girl. However, if you ever set fire to my lawn again, I’ll kick your butt. You will come and fix it. And you three (he looks at us), stop putting ideas into his head. He will clearly do anything you guys tell him to.
That was the day we found out that Sally’s father was the fire marshal in our county. He and the sheriff gave him a tongue lashing for setting fire to his front yard, with a heart shape burning in the grass and a sign by the front door saying, MY HEART WILL GO UP IN FLAMES IF YOU WENT TO THE SWEETHEARTS’ WITH ME! It was a really good dance, we all had a ton of fun.
Skip and Sally have been happily married for 23 years now.
49. Lost In Translation
My family, including my idiot sister, were out to eat at a Chinese restaurant. The waitress, who was Asian, came up to us and asked us what we would like to order, in English. My sister looks shocked and doesn’t even wait for the waitress to leave as she loudly proclaims, “I understood everything she said!” My family looks on at her in utter disbelief as my mom explains to her that’s because she spoke in English.
50. The Gullible Virgin
I had a high school friend, Sam, who wasn't…the brightest crayon in the box. Last I saw him, he was living with his addict girlfriend, who's pregnant with his child. Or, so that's what I thought. I haven't spoken much to him since he had gotten expelled from school, and our relationship faded into only Facebook updates on each other's lives.
The other day, I was speaking to a friend, who we'll call Sara, that still keeps in contact with Sam. He got brought up in conversation, mostly laughing about the ridiculous things he did in school, and then I asked about what he was up to. Now, back in high school, Sam vowed himself to celibacy. He didn't want to be intimate before marriage. Also, despite how strung out his current girlfriend is, the only drug he ever used was pot.
Sara: “You know the baby's not even his.” Me: “Wait, seriously?” Sara: “Yeah, he's a virgin.” Me: (confused because he posts on Facebook all the time of how happy he is about becoming a father) “Does…does he know?” Sara: (shaking her head) “Nope. He legitimately thinks he got her pregnant.” Sara let me have a moment, just to see the astonishment on my face.
She went on to tell me that when Sam first told her his girlfriend was pregnant, she asked him when did he start being intimate. Sam said he never did, however, they do perform oral. Sam believes that when his girlfriend…swallowed…it impregnated her with his child. Sara and a few others tried to explain to him that's not how it works, but he's either just lovestruck or just plain stupid.
There has been speculation that the true father is a guy who graduated a few years before us. He is Black. Sam is white. His girlfriend is white. She's about four months pregnant.
51. It Wasn’t Me
My cousin is a complete idiot. I just got a call from my mom that he was arrested tonight for disturbing the peace after pooping in a urinal at the airport. Doesn't sound like something to be put in the slammer for...except that he ran out screaming for security, in an airport. Apparently ten airport officers come running thinking they have heroics to perform, instead a dude screaming “HEY SOMEBODY POOPED IN THE URINAL!"
Apparently, he yelled this because he REALLY BELIEVED it was a felony and wanted to "keep them from knowing it was him." I love him but he is the dumbest person I have ever met in my life.
52. Baby Babble
My wife and I had a baby recently (about two weeks ago). My in-laws are over for a few weeks for supervision/support so it doesn't become overwhelming. My mother-in-law keeps worrying about why he doesn't play with all the toys she got him. Are you serious? He's two weeks old.
He can't even focus on thinsgs yet. My father-in-law wanted to take him to the emergency room yesterday because he got an eyelash in his eye. Twitches. My in-laws are nice people, but I have no idea how they raised two kids.
53. Life’s Not Fair
I was in a collision thanks to this 65-year-old lady who was obviously inebriated and high. I was 18 at the time, and lost my opportunity to attend the Citadel in South Carolina due to my lack of physical ability. My boyfriend at the time cracked vertebrae, and a friend of mine lost his legs. The officers knew her husband who was a firefighter, so they didn't breathalyze or do any tests, and didn’t charge her with drinking and driving.
My EMTs said "That lady is so inebriated, she’s going to buy you a ticket to Disney World," which is how I knew that she was impaired at the time of the accident. But I had no proof to bring to the table in the lawsuit because if the officer did not charge or make notes, then you cannot add it later. So we get to MY deposition and she shows up.
She argues with me the entire time over my points, and her lawyer keeps having to tell her that she needs to be quiet. This lady had ruined our lives, so I was becoming less than patient with her calling me a liar when she got off scot-free. She exclaims to my lawyer "Even the officer’s report is wrong"! He asks, "What do you mean it’s wrong"? She was about to make a fatal mistake.
She says, "It has me coming from the wrong place"! My lawyer asks "Where were you coming from"? She tells him, "My friend's bar"! She later admits she doesn’t know how many drinks they had, because "They don't charge me they just keep refilling my glass”. She admitted that she was drinking and driving when she could have gotten off scot-free. Cue her lawyer's facepalm, as this is all on tape. She didn't even pay out of pocket, her insurance company did. She ended up ending someone’s life a year later in another accident.
54. Hunger Pains
My patient was a three-year-old who needed surgery on her tonsils and adenoids. The day before the procedure, I told her father, "Don't let her eat or drink anything after midnight”. While I was intubating the girl the next morning, she vomited scrambled eggs, causing her to aspirate them into her lungs. Then her heart stopped.
I did chest compressions on her for 25 minutes. We got her back, aborted the surgery, and transferred her to the pediatric ICU on a ventilator. Her father's response made me want to scream: "She said she was hungry. I thought you were being too hard on her. It must have been something you did to her". Sure, blame me for your inability to follow a simple direction. Idiot.
55. Allergic To Everything
Registered nurse here. I see some crazy stuff, but one thing that stands out was the time I was admitting a guy to the hospital. I can't really remember what for but he was diabetic, had heart disease, and was generally unhealthy. Anyhow, I'm at the computer going over some admission questions with him and his 10 family members who are crowded in the room with him.
A few minutes in, he starts complaining that he's thirsty. He needs something to drink right now. So I get on my phone and call the nurse assistant, and ask her to bring in some ice water. As soon as the words are out of my mouth the whole family screams: "NOOOO! NO WATER! HES ALLERGIC TO WATER!" Well, this is going to be a problem.
Turns out the guy had been drinking nothing but Sprite and sweet tea for years, because of his "water allergy." The next question his wife had was “Where are we all supposed to sleep?" The whole family, 10 people, were planning to stay at the hospital with him. You can't make this stuff up.