People can say strange, witty, or hilarious things in the heat of the moment. These Redditors shared their stories of clever comebacks. Some used wordplay to get back at an enemy, and others were tricksters in strange situations. You might want to save some of these comments in your back pocket for later.
1. Zero To Hero
A long time ago I was walking down a side street in a medium-sized town with my girlfriend. A car was parked ahead, with the front of the car facing us as we approached. I could see two kids, maybe in their late teens. I immediately sensed trouble.
I could tell they were likely going to say something because my girlfriend was rather attractive. As soon as we came up next to them I heard, “Hey baby, ditch the zero and come hang with the hero”.
I could feel my blood boil but I kept my cool and calmly said, “Sorry buddy, I’m not gay...and don’t call my girlfriend a zero”. The dude’s friend started laughing at him and my girlfriend made a sarcastic crying face then we both started to laugh.
2. Ask The Colonel
Oh man, I have a good one! It was in my US history class in high school. There were those students who were always noisy and obnoxious. They'd also pick on the teacher. He was a lighthearted 60-something old man with neat white hair. He had a great sense of humor so he never gave it much thought.
One day, one of the loud dudes was like, "Hey Mr Morgan, you know you look exactly like Colonel Sanders"? To which he quickly responded, "Is that why your mom says I'm so finger-licking good"?
3. Office Frogger
Big burly former marine from Iraq was back stateside, working in my office. He was a huge mountain of a man. We came to face each other in one of the narrow corridors of the office where one of us was gonna have to turn sideways. Neither of us turned, but we stopped. I'm six foot one and 260 pounds, and he still towered over me.
He was a nice guy, but still a little..."conditioned" I guess you could say, or mentally unhinged. He looked me straight in the eye and said, "You feeling froggy"? It truly was like something out of a movie. Without blinking I replied, "You better jump". We both cracked up and turned sideways, while the office breathed a collective sigh of relief.
I am a fourth-grade teacher and one day I was up at the board and struggling to remember how to spell a particular word. I was trying to make light of it, telling the kids that sometimes adults need help with spelling too. One student replied, “It is because you were poorly educated. But don’t worry, we are poorly educated too". Double whammy.
5. Taking Out The Trash
I worked at Target back in college in a stocking job where we had to be there at like four or five am to unload trucks. One morning, I overslept a bit and walked to the unpacking line about ten minutes late, eating a breakfast bar. I saw the boss storming over—and knew I was in for it.
He started loudly berating me in front of everyone for being late. As he was going on, I was listening and taking bites of the bar without much expression, mainly because I was so tired. It finally bothered him that I was disrespectfully chewing during the yelling and he stopped mid-sentence, held out his hand, and said, “Give me that thing”!
It just happened that I only had one bite left so I took it, handed him the wrapper, and said, “Thanks,” with a mouth full of food. He paused and started laughing at the ridiculous response to his yelling. We were buddies after that.
6. Warranty Woes
I worked in cell phone sales for a few years and a woman came in with a fairly new flip phone—this was 2018 and we still sold them. She was complaining because one of the sides of the screen was dangling off and said she didn't do anything, it just snapped. She demanded a new phone.
I told her, "That looks like physical damage and we don't have any coverage for that since you didn't buy a phone protection warranty". She did not take this news well.
She insisted it wasn't physical damage and the phone just sucked and broke itself. She started freaking out and calling me all kinds of names and swinging her phone in my face. And then the top half of the phone LITERALLY snapped off and landed on the counter in front of me. I just looked her in the eyes and said, "Well that was definitely physical damage".
She lost it at my comment and it was weirdly satisfying.
7. Comfortably Numb
I was around 17 or 18 and getting my first filling at the dentist. They pumped me up with nitrous oxide for pain and to help me relax during the procedure. The dentist came back and asked me, "How are you feeling"? All I said was, "I don't," and he lost it.
He cracked up for what seemed like 20 minutes before he could pull himself together. I also started cracking up because of the laughing gas and because his laugh was infectious. So we were both just sitting in the room laughing, and all his assistants came by and were very confused lol.
8. Check The Calendar
On a family vacation, my grandmother was giving me grief for not remembering her birthday—I've never been good with birthdays—after telling me it was the password to her iPhone. She wanted me to take a picture with it, which is why I needed the password. While she was distracted, I opened up the settings, changed her password to my birthdate, and then set her phone down.
Cue 15 minutes later, she was trying to get into her phone and it wasn’t working. Suspecting mischief, she grumpily asked me if I changed the password to her phone in front of our entire family. I admitted that I did. "Well, what is it"? She asked impatiently. "It's my birth date". She gave me this stunned look, like a deer in headlights.
She sat there silent for about 15 seconds not being able to remember my birthday before our family exploded laughing. It was a good time.
When I was a broke college student, a wealthy older lawyer hit my car. No damage to his car, but mine was crumpled, and I spent all of my no money at the time keeping it on the road. I was going literally 11 km/h in a parking lot and he was entirely at fault. We exchanged insurance info and I had to get a rental car until mine was fixed.
He dodged the insurance calls for about two weeks, forcing me to pay out of pocket for the rental, about $600, which I definitely didn’t have. I knew this guy was a snooty lawyer—my dad is a court attorney and while I have never used this flex, I finally had to ask my dad to call him and talk some lawyer at him.
Fifteen minutes later, I got a call and was told that the insurance would go forward. Fast forward like eight years, I was bartending at a swanky lounge where a Chamber of Commerce event was going on. It was just for local business people to rub elbows and network. This lawyer douche was really feeling himself and charming the room. He looked eerily familiar.
He ordered a drink from me and then stopped and said, Hey, miss, do I know you”? So I came back loudly with, “Well not really but you hit my car in a parking lot a few years ago when I was a broke college student and stuck me with the bill. Do you wanna open a tab for the drink or close out now”?
10. The Joker
I’m a writer and I do a bit of stand-up comedy. As such, people tend to introduce me to new people as a “comedian," “writer," etc. So I was outside a bar smoking with a friend of a friend. He then introduced me to one of his friends. His friend was dressed like Liam Gallagher from Oasis and seemed to exude a bit of a cocky sneery manner.
The introduction went thusly; Friend of Friend: “Mr Gallagher this is WriterOfWrongs, he’s a comedian”. Mr Gallagher: (looks me up and down) “Comedian eh? Does that mean you think you’re funny”? WriterOfWrongs: “No, it means everyone else does”.
I literally do not know where it came from. I didn’t think about the response, it just came out. And it was hands down the GREATEST thing I’ve ever said.
11. Vertically Challenged
I work in waste management. I’m also a rather small person, like, “they don’t make clothes at Old Navy in my size” small. I was wheeling a stack of drums out to our loading dock, navigating pretty much purely on instinct since I couldn’t see over or around them. Lo and behold, there was someone there chatting with the shipping people. I ran straight into him.
I was surrounded by everyone in shipping, some fairly big dudes, and I felt amazingly embarrassed. I leaned around the drums to look at the guy I hit, and without even thinking, said, “What did you want me to do, see through ‘em”?
Everyone burst out laughing and the guy even opened the door to the dock for me. Every time I see him now he pretends to duck.
12. Watch Your Fingers
I became a store management trainee at a large grocery chain years ago. Part of the training was that you had to spend a week or so working in each department learning how they worked and operated. Basically, I was just free help for that week’s department. This particular week I was in the meat department.
One of the guys had just returned from a couple of days off because he had accidentally cut his finger on the bone saw. He was still sporting a pretty big bandage on the digit he cut. He was told to show me how to use the meat cuber/tenderizer for making cubed steak, and he walked up and asked “How’s your hand-eye coordination”?
I immediately responded with, “Hopefully better than yours”! Everyone back there erupted in laughter that didn’t stop for what seemed a long time.
13. Sent By Mail
This was back in my junior year of college. At the beginning of the semester, I was introducing myself to my very intimidating biochemistry professor. The guy was a genius but also tough. Students were all terrified to ask him questions because he was known for grilling people, and if they hadn't made enough effort beforehand he'd send them out of his office to learn on their own.
As I walked into his office he was sorting through some boxes and made a really sarcastic comment regarding stuffing me in the box and shipping it off somewhere. He looked up to see my response, and I just responded without thinking.
"I wouldn't mind going somewhere nice..." Dude laughed so hard it actually startled me a little. We got along pretty well for the remainder of the semester, so it all worked out really well! It's amazing what a little laughter can do to ease tension.
14. Art Project
It was art class and I was around 12-13. We were painting stuff. I was sitting next to my friend and we were extremely bored so we decided it was a good idea to dip our hands into the paint for no reason. I happened to dip my hand in red. After two minutes the teacher came by and said, "What are you two doing”?!
I looked at my friend who was going to burst into laughter. Then I looked back at the teacher and said, "Well, I guess you caught me red-handed". My friend couldn't keep himself together and laughed extremely loudly.
The art teacher was speechless for a good ten seconds whilst looking at the failure of a boy I was. She then just told us to wash our hands.
15. Bar Banter
I worked as a bartender at what was arguably the busiest bar in Boston circa 2015. On a typical, overwhelmingly busy Saturday, I was working the service bar and it was absolutely humming as it always was. I was making and distributing craft cocktails at breakneck speeds for servers, and also taking orders from the raving lunatics demanding to be quenched of what seemed an insatiable thirst.
It was a blur of ice and juice and madness as I crushed ice and fruit and squeezed bottles of syrups and juices and topped drinks with myriad garnishes, and I was in the zone. I was crushing it, achieving God-tier levels of drink making, and while doing so I tried to take a young lady’s order and she said, “Um excuse me, you owe my friend a drink”.
And while I was still busy doing my thing I asked, “Why”? To which she replied, “Because you got my friend wet”.
There was residual splash, another innocent victim of the war on drink tickets. Without skipping a beat, I demolished her: “Yeah, her and every girl who’s ever been in here," and I turned away, carrying on about my business. To this day I’ve yet to experience that level of overwhelming self-satisfaction in my life.
She didn’t even respond. She knew she had been owned. My only regret is that nobody witnessed what was quite possibly the crowning achievement of my life.
16. Clergy Concessions
My grandfather was an Anglican minister. He was helping out at a hockey arena in the concession area, no idea why, and one guy insisted that he be served first, even though someone was in front of him. He told the guy to wait his turn and served him when it was his turn.
After enduring much swearing and rudeness about it, my grandfather turned to the guy's friends and said, "Being a clergyman limits what I can say to people, but if your friend would care to kick the bucket I would be delighted to bury him".
17. Gender Non-Conforming
About 25 years ago, I was in grade nine and my parents bought me a pair of Air Max. I’m a female, but I had picked a pair of Air Max that were “supposed” to be for males because I preferred the color of the shoes. I was super pumped to get those shoes; We didn’t have lots of money and it was a pretty extravagant purchase.
Anyway, I was at our local shopping center and I ran into a group of guys I went to high school with. They were a real bunch of jerks that thrived on dumping on other people. One of the guys had on the same pair of shoes and said to me, “Do you know you’re wearing men’s shoes”? I had the perfect comeback.
I quickly replied, “Then why are you wearing them”? The other guys laughed so hard, and it still stands out in my mind after all these years.
18. A Hard Job
A coworker was struggling with a frustrating piece of equipment, and I asked her why she didn't just do (insert easy fix) instead. She growled, "I don't know. I just really love making things harder". I said, "Then why are you a lesbian”?! Yes, she's a lesbian, and she almost fell on the floor she was laughing so hard. She repeated the joke to everyone else the rest of the day.
19. The Grown Ups’ Table
I was on holiday in Bulgaria with my parents. They started chatting with another couple at the next table. I thought they were annoying, but my parents were happy they had someone to talk to. My parents invited them to our table.
Suddenly, the lady sat next to me and after a while she asked me, "Would it bother you if I smoke"? My answer was, "It wouldn't even bother me if you were burning". I was seven years old…and apparently a jerk.
20. The Man In Black
I actually said nothing. I was on my motorcycle in traffic, on a wet overpass with short Jersey walls. A guy behind me was driving a bit too fast and slammed on his brakes, sliding into me. There was no damage as he was going slow enough to touch and push me about a meter and a half (five feet) before finally coming to a stop.
The angle had me going straight forward so I did not fall. Had it been much faster I would have been thrown over the edge to my doom. So obviously I was not happy.
I turned off the engine, got off the bike, and slowly walked over to the driver that hit me. I walked about a meter, and when he saw me coming toward him, he furiously started raising his manual window.
So I could just see him struggling to pump the winder. When I got there I just knocked on his window, pointed at him and glared, and turned around and walked away. He looked terrified. I didn't think about his perspective until later.
Imagine a guy you just hit in a car wearing a black helmet, with a shaded visor, black heavy thick jacket and riding pants, metal studded gloves, and black leather boots knocks on your window and points at you for being a supreme idiot.
I had no idea, I just wanted to talk to him, be a bit angry but tell him I was okay, then take a second to verify my bike was okay as well.
21. The Crush
I was crazy about this dude. He was intelligent, hot, funny, and a bit older. After a few weeks of dating, he said he wasn’t ready for a commitment. I told him to come pick up his book from my place, and not to reach out again as it hurt too much. I was that into him.
So, he came to my apartment, I went to hand him the book, and began to shut the door. He put his foot in the way to stop it and said, “I don’t know what to do. I’m not ready, but I can’t stop thinking about you”.
Moving my hand off the door, I handed him the book anyway and said, “Then pick me up at seven”. Anyways, now we’re married.
22. Manufactured Products
When I was a little kid, maybe six, I overheard my mum and older sister talking about factories making “pollution," and the way they talked about it I thought it was some sort of manufactured chemical product like chlorine or silica.
A few weeks later, a huge local industrial company came to school to teach our class about the company. The company rep gave examples of things like soap and bleach that they made and asked, “Does anybody here know what else we make”? I raised my hand and, you guessed it, I said, “Um, pollution”?
I remember the guy just laughed and looked embarrassed, and he said, “Er, well we try not to…”.
23. Kids Say The Darndest Things
When I was a kid, under ten, my dad's best friend announced he was getting married to his current girlfriend. This would be his third marriage. I asked if I was invited to the wedding and he said, “No honey, it's adults only”. I had an absolutely vicious response.
I replied, "That's okay I'll just come to the next one". I had no idea what I was implying, I just knew this guy got married a lot. He actually did divorce his third wife but last I heard, they're dating again.
24. All In Due Time
Me and my girlfriend at the time were having a discussion about her going back to school. She kept putting it off every semester, and one day she got angry at me trying to get her to actually go back, not just talk about it. She yelled, “Rome wasn’t built in a day”! And I responded, “Yeah, but it was built”. And a decade later I still think of that.
25. Unlikely Hero
At a party a few years back, someone snatched my friend's purse. Her boyfriend found the guy who took it and got it back for her, but he was still in an angry, drunken rage and was continuing to escalate the situation when he was well outnumbered. My friend found me and said, “I’m afraid [boyfriend] is about to get into a fight, I need your help. Stop him, please”!
I stood up, and I told her, “I can’t promise you I can stop him from fighting, but I can promise you I won’t let him lose,” before walking off to find him. Ultimately, no fight actually broke out, and I didn’t realize that I had basically said a cheesy one-liner until after the fact when my friend told me how intense that line was.
I didn’t mean for it to sound so dramatic, I just wanted to let her know I wouldn’t let him get beat up. I didn’t mean to make it sound like I was about to demolish three guys by myself like I’m some sort of action hero.
26. Planet Protector
Years ago I worked at a Hard Rock cafe, and we often had pre-shift server meetings outdoors on a patio. While my boss was droning on about us selling more overpriced plastic cups I was staring off at the spinning globe on top of the building that says "save the planet" on it. That's when I brazenly interrupted my boss.
I blurted out, "If Hard Rock is trying to save the planet, why do we waste so much paper?"
This was really directed at my managers, who were fanatical about printing out stupid memos. They somehow didn't realize it was about them specifically and passed the comment up the food chain, which ended up resulting in the entire company changing their payroll system to paperless, globally.
As a reward, I was given a pin shaped like a lightbulb that said "bright idea" on it. Thanks, I guess.
27. The Name Game
This happened yesterday. My teacher had been pronouncing my name wrong for over a year. So yesterday, at the end of the semester she had the brilliant idea that we should compliment each other in the class. So she said, "Niclas, Niclas (the wrong name again), what do you like about [my classmate]”?
Without thinking I just said, “He knows how to pronounce my name properly". The whole class got silent and my teacher just looked empty inside. But she took it relaxed.
28. Question Period
In a class at university, each student had to give a presentation about a scientific paper and answer questions about it. We were told to ask the speaker questions, because otherwise the professor would, and his questions would obviously be harder. That professor was really brutal in his critiques of the presentations, but also fair and accurate.
In any case, I asked a question after every single presentation, but when my turn came no student wanted to ask anything, so the professor asked me if I wanted to ask myself a question.
Without even thinking about it I said, "Say, how come your presentation was so extremely excellent"? I was mentally preparing to be chewed out, but instead, the professor needed a minute to stop laughing, and then he gave me the best grade possible.
29. The Scent Of A Woman
It was certainly the most hostile thing I'd ever said, but: I was at a Best Buy.
I was just looking for a present for my father since it was Christmas season. I had just gotten off work, I had been smoking, because that's what I do when I get off work. I'm standing in the DVD section peering at the titles looking for one in particular.
This older lady wearing the garments of a well-to-do woman and with the demeanor of a smug, old money lady was standing next to me with her husband who looked like Don Draper's boss. I heard her give off an exaggerated sniff, then as I looked over in confusion, I saw her lean next to her husband and say in an obviously loud voice, "Why does it reek of smoke"?
She then turned and glared at me. So now I'm standing there holding a movie as these two old people were staring at me, shaming me. So I shrugged and said, "I don’t know, I was wondering why it smells of soggy unwashed old lady in here, but I was nice enough to not say anything until now". They walked away after that.
30. Obstacle Course
I was on my high school cross country team and our coach was discussing the course for our regional race. We were concerned there would be holes and indents in the ground that might cause us to twist an ankle or make us fall. Our coach was trying to reassure us that there were zero holes in the course because it also happened to be a golf course and it was very well taken care of.
Without hesitation, I blurted out, “I’m sorry to interrupt coach, but I believe there are actually 18 holes”! Things went from very serious to a lot of laughing really quick.
31. Group Project
I was the nerdy, five-foot-tall shy girl, and constantly got paired with struggling/misbehaving kids to "help them".
On this occasion, I was stuck with two popular guys in English class. One was your typical 2000s-era comic book jock, the other was a class clown who just didn't know when to stop. Together, they unanimously agreed to do nothing at all, making fun of our classmates, while I made the world's ugliest word cloud.
I failed art class y'all, so that's no joke. I guess I had an epiphany, because for the first time in my 15 years of life, I decided, screw this, and went to tell the teacher they were being lazy idiots and I'd rather just do it solo. It took a hot minute before the jokester realized I'd even left, and when he pointed it out, the jock stood up looking ready to Hulk out of his lowriders.
And the Jock said, "what are you tattling on us for? It's not like we've done anything". And I replied, "Yeah, that's kind of the point". And just walked out of the silent class...because I was so used to being bullied I fully expected him to throw a chair at me.
But apparently, I just looked like a hero, which was accidental street cred that my nerdy self was 100% eager to roll with.
32. The Dating Game
I was working with a horrible specimen of humanity. He was my coworker and he had brown teeth, though not all of them, poor hygiene, and an undeserved air of superiority. I didn't like him much—and for good reason.
He kept smashing my fingers and calling me names like “college boy” and “pup”—I was younger than him. In the break room, we all gathered to eat our meager lunches and talk smack. Mr Brown teeth did this last one with great zeal and no intelligence.
After the third time of him lobbing jokes around the room at my expense, I pretended to observe something about him that I hadn't noticed before. Me: "You're a pretty good-looking fella”. He replied, “Yeah. I know”. I said, “I bet you get lots of girls”. He said, “I do alright”. Me: “When was the last time you got laid”? Him: “Last night....by your girlfriend”.
Me: “God. I hope not. I'm dating your sister”. I really was. He left the room while the rest of the crew exploded with laughter at his expense.
33. Tech Talk
I was once in a hotel elevator headed down to the lobby. I took out my phone to get directions to the bar where I was meeting my friends. A woman in the elevator, who was part of a group of people I don't know, sneered at my phone and said, "Ugh, I hate technology". To which I replied, "Then why aren't you taking the stairs"?
Her friends erupted in laughter and she was completely destroyed.
34. Better Left Unsaid
I lived at home and had a girl calling me, inviting me over to a local hotel, and I wanted no part of it. The girl called and left a message: "Hi ____, I'm calling from the Holiday Inn, Room 320, and I'd really appreciate it if you give me a call. I'd like to see you". A few minutes passed and the phone rang again.
This time my Dad answered. Girl: “Is ____ home”? Dad: “He was home, but he left”. Girl: “Oh. Did he get my message”? Dad: “Yes, he got the message. Did you”? Girl: “Ohhhhhhhhh. OK. Bye”.
35. Future Plans
My brother was in his history class that just happened to have accumulated all the really disruptive and not-so-intelligent kids. They'd constantly interrupt and make the class terrible, and the teacher didn't really do anything about it. One day, a girl who had caused a ton of problems acted up in the usual way to derail the class, and my brother had had enough.
He turned to her and told her to shut up and she flipped. The teacher told her to be careful what she says to him, because she might be working for him one day. My brother turned to the teacher and went, "Nah, I don't plan on being a pimp". The class lost it, the teacher had to step out of the room laughing, and that girl apparently didn't bother my brother for the rest of the year.
At work, project management undercut and mismanaged a project so badly. They pushed getting the minimum viable product out with the goal to roll out improvements later. The product was released, they all patted themselves on the back, and moved on. Then that minimum viable product broke. In a meeting with our directors, we discussed how it was so broken and about the cost to fix it, etc.
They kept saying there was no cost too big, they had unlimited manpower, etc. I asked, "How come we couldn't afford to do it right, but we can afford to do it twice"? They did not like that.
37. Missing Meds
In my high school years, I was a pretty good kid, but my parents always were accusing me of doing ridiculous things.
One time, they thought I was stealing my Mom's birth control and giving it to my girlfriend. They woke me up ten minutes before my alarm went off to interrogate me. Here is how it went down, in my half-sleeping stupor:
Mom: “Good morning...we need to talk to you”. Me: “I don't even have to get up yet”. Mom: “Dad and I have noticed my birth control keeps disappearing”. Me: “Gross Mom”. Mom: “Have you been taking my birth control”? Me: “Yes I have mom. I've been taking it for two months, but she still got pregnant".
My Mom gave me a look that was one part angry, two parts concerned, and a final part "that was funny but I better not laugh". They dropped it and never brought it up again.
38. Nickel and Diming
I'm proud of this moment in time. I was a senior in high school, enjoying free time at some area-wide meeting, when I walked by a group of kids from another school. Out of the blue, some guy in the group called over to me. Guy, tossing a nickel in front of me: "Hey dude, give that to your mom for me". Me: "Huh"? Guy: "Don't worry about it, just tell her it was for last night".
I got a few chuckles from his group. I replied with an, "Oh"! of recognition, smiled, and picked up the nickel. I then reached into my pocket, pulled out two pennies, and tossed them at his feet. Me: "There you go". Guy, sarcastically: "Oh, is this for my mom"? Me: "Nah, that's your change. My mom charges by the inch".
39. Quick Wit
My boss was showing a coworker some programming-related thing on the computer. Apparently, he did it quite fast, because my coworker said, "Wow, that was quick", to which he responded, with an arrogant smirk, "Yes, I'm the quickest of them all". Hearing this I simply asked, "Is that why you're single"?
The rest of the coworkers exploded in laughter and my boss looked at me with a strange face that looked like "Screw you, but well played".
40. Take It Outside
I was out at a bar with my buddies. Not trying to pick anyone up just looking for a fun night. I went up to the bar to get a drink and there was a girl standing next to me. She ordered, I ordered, and as we were waiting we chatted a bit. Idle stuff, nice weather, good drink choice, what have you. All of a sudden, this big angry-looking guy pulled my shoulder and turned me around.
He got right up in my grill and yelled, "What are you doing talking to my girl"? ME: "I was just getting a drink and we were having a polite conversation. Leave me alone, dude". JERK: "I'm gonna fight you". ME: "What"? JERK: "Let's go outside, I’m gonna fight you". JERK: "Okay, go outside". He turned and walked out the door.
About five to ten minutes later he stomped back in. JERK: "WHAT’S UP, MAN I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO FIGHT"? ME: "Sorry bro, I was busy talking to your girl". The bouncers stopped him from swinging at me, and I got a number and a free drink.
41. The Metric System
So my full name is pronounced “jess-uhh-lyn” but sometimes people call me Joselin, either because they don't know better or because they know it's annoying to me. Anyway, I was at work in the lunch room with a couple other coworkers, when my one male coworker named Miles said something like, “Hey what's up, JOSelin”.
I immediately turned to him and said, “Shut up, Kilometers”.
42. You’d Better Work
This happened in English class in middle school. Kid A: "Yo”. Kid B: “Your mama waited on me at McDonald’s last night. Must feel bad having a mom that works at McDonald’s". Kid A: "At least MY mom gets out of bed to go to work". But that wasn't the best part.
The English teacher said far louder than he realized: "WOW!" The rest of us were laughing so hard, the teacher next door popped her head in to see what was going on...
43. Keeping Things Regular
I work at a hotel. A few years ago this guest got into a spat with our security officer over something, but she wasn't getting whatever she wanted so she told him he was full of (poop). Our security officer replied immediately, "No I'm not, I took care of that this morning. But thank you for your concern for my good health and regularity".
At this time I was about to bust up laughing so I had to excuse myself to the back office, and as I was leaving I heard him continuing on with this lady.
He was calm and serious, saying, "But I promise I eat a healthy diet full of fiber. It warms my heart to know you're concerned with me having regular bowel movements. So the next time I'm constipated I know you're thinking of me".
It continued on and on, and all the more he was playing this completely straight and it was making the lady madder and madder, and I'm in the back laughing so hard I'm nearly crying. After that spiel was over though she didn't give us any more problems the rest of the night.
44. Fitness Class
When I was in high school I had an ancient history class with a teacher named Mr O'Neil. He was a really well-educated and well-spoken, but quiet younger guy, a bit chubby with curly blond hair, and he liked wearing bow ties. In this same class was this kid named Jake, who was one of those kids that always acted like a goof to every teacher in order to try and get a laugh.
He was so annoying he actually had a stapler thrown in his direction by another teacher, which is a whole other story. Anyway, I remember one day Mr O'Neil was having trouble reaching the string to pull down the screen for the projector. He would make little jumps and swat at the string, but just barely couldn't get it.
Jake noticed and saw an opportunity, so he yelled out, "What's the matter Mr O'Neil, can't reach"? He and his buddies chuckled to themselves like a bunch of goons in the corner.
Mr O'Neil replied, "No, Jake. I'm just getting my morning exercise," and then he started touching his toes. Coming from a guy like Mr O'Neil it was pretty hilarious. More importantly, it shut Jake up and a majority of the class started laughing at him.
Mr O'Neil became a bit of a hero for being the guy to shut down one of the annoying kids that would always disrupt class.
45. What’s In The Water
My dad has had a bald spot longer than I can remember. When I was about 13, my family was on a road trip and we had stopped at some random diner to eat. I guess I thought the local water was gross, so I was refusing to drink it. My dad told me, "Just drink it; it will grow hair on your head".
Without missing a beat, I pushed the glass toward him and said, "Maybe you need it more than I do, then". My mom laughed and told him he had walked right into that one.
46. Beautiful People
I went out one time with a very good friend of mine, some other friends, and their friends. Anyway, it just so happened that these two very nice-looking girls were left with me and my mate while the rest of the others were getting drinks or food.
We all just did the usual small talk and then it faded off. Those “hot” girls were really not interested in us regular-looking blokes. So, after about five minutes of uncomfortable silence and ho-humming, one of the girls looked around and said out loud to the other girl making sure we heard it as well, "I wonder where all the good-looking guys are at"?
I instantly thought, "You low scum"! As if that was not directed at us. And at the same time, my mate had some self-esteem issues. He just started to hang his head slowly and slouch.
Without missing a beat I retorted, "They are all probably with all the good-looking girls".
My mate wore the widest grin I had ever seen, and I obviously had a smirk on my face I could not hide. So the two "hot" girls made a humph sound and excused themselves, never to be seen again.
47. Generation Gap
I had an older lady road rage at me. Long story short, I pulled into a parallel space in front of the officers’ precinct station, and she rear-ended me going 30. But she wasn't done!
She backed out, drove up the street, turned around, and then smashed into me head-on, screeching the entire time. The officers came out in time to see her smash me a second time.
I got out all shaky-legged, wide-eyed, and scattered. An officer came and helped me get up the curb, while another was pulling the woman out of her vehicle. She was screaming about young people being bad drivers, screaming at me being a "disrespecting millennial". I replied, "Ma'am I may be a millennial but at least I won't be behind bars for child endangerment you musty bag of skin".
She didn't realize my four-year-old was in the car. The officer busted up laughing as she was screeching about my foul language. I went in for the dirty word insults, as well as calling her a cobwebbed old lady, whatever I could think of. The officer admonished me but was still chuckling. I was pretty sure this lady was purple. She was so angry. I went to her court date.
She lost her license permanently—already had 10 points—she had to do 80 hours of anger management, 120 hours of community service, and was credited for three days in jail. She was 84.
48. Seating Arrangements
I'll never forget the moment a family walked into the local pub I was working at while I was working.
This big king-of-the-grill bald alpha patriarch Dad type and his wife and kids came through. I said, "Welcome, where would you like to sit"? And he snapped back, "Well, a table would be nice", and without missing a beat at all, I replied, "Actually, we usually sit on the chairs here". I'll never forget the satisfaction of that moment or the look on his face haha.
49. The Math Error
I had a math teacher in high school who was well known for his outstanding ability to compute fairly complex calculations in his head. He rarely made errors, when he did he usually caught it before the rest of the class did. One day he didn't and this girl piped up in the back of the class, and told him he made an error. Naturally, he checked his work and she was correct.
He thanked her and tried to move on with the lesson. For the next minute, the girl said some of the most hurtful things I imagine a teacher could hear. I don't remember the details but I remember her last sentence was, "I can't believe you made such a huge mistake".
He took a moment, thought about what she said, turned his back to her, and said, "Now your parents and I have something in common". She got up quietly and dropped the class that day.
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