The precious and endless fantasies of a new relationship are so promising and romantic—that is, until one discovers that they're dating a complete and total knucklehead. From thinking that the sun and the moon are the same thing to trying to cook rice in the fridge, these Redditors share their experiences of dealing with a whole lot of stupid! Their "perfect relationship" becomes disillusioned as they're faced with the realization that they may actually be the idiot for dating one.
1. This Isn't Logical
I went on a couple of dates with a woman who owned two large, energetic dogs. When she bought them, she was informed that she needed to walk them every day to give them exercise and for them to burn off energy. To save time, she did the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Instead of walking them, she'd take them for a drive and thought that that accomplished the same thing.
2. It's Windier In Your Head
My girlfriend and I drove past a windmill on a windy day. She commented how it was too windy out and that they should turn the windmill down. She was deadly serious.
3. You're The Vegetable
It was the first time my boyfriend and I were cooking together. When I handed him a block of cheese to grate, he turned to me and said, "I've never grated cheese before—how do you use this thing"?
Half an hour later, he apologized for being vegan and said, "Sorry about my dietary restrictions—vegan recipes can be hard to find". Never once did he mention that he was vegan. So I told him that since he was vegan we'd have to make a different dish because of the cheese.
To my astonishment, he replied, "Why would you think I couldn't have cheese? I'm vegan—I can have vegetables". He actually thought cheese was a vegetable—and he was "vegan". Nope. Never again.
4. Stunning Revelation
My boyfriend put a load of laundry in and mixed the colors with the whites. Then he took the stupidity one step further. He poured in bleach to whiten the whites but was truly shocked when the bleach ended up bleaching everything in the load.
I had to explain that bleach will bleach everything as it cannot discern what you want bleached or not. He was shocked—truly stunned and flabbergasted.
5. Does He Know?
I worked with a woman who had a hysterectomy after her last child. She started dating a guy and things got serious pretty quickly. One day, she said that they were trying for a baby—after being together for a couple of months. I was surprised and said, "He knows that you've had a hysterectomy, right? YOU know you've had a hysterectomy, right"?
She insisted that God finds a way...
6. Directionless Lass
My girlfriend didn’t know how to get to my house from anywhere but from her house. Even though her place of work was about halfway between my house and hers, she had to drive home first every time before she could drive to my house. This was before smartphones.
7. Doctor What Now?
The girl I was dating claimed to have a doctorate degree in "Emotionology"— a doctorate. I asked her what her masters thesis was on and what her dissertation included. She looked at me like I was eating doorknobs.
She insisted that her degree was a legitimate study. She would get angry if her friends didn't call her 'doctor' when introducing her. She even kept a ledger of "unacceptable words and colors" that were not to be used in her presence.
Her field of expertise proved that these words and colors oozed negativity and bred evil, causing tragedies and so on. One of the worst parts of dating her was meeting this whack job gaggle of friends she had that believed all this nonsense.
It was like the stupid could be contracted and spread.
8. Patent This
My boyfriend told me he had a lot of "inventions" and bragged about how rich he would be one day when one was sold. I asked him to tell me more—and nearly burst out laughing at his response. He said his best "invention" were these eye drops that —with just one application mind you— eliminated the need for eyeglasses.
This guy is a mailman—not a doctor, not a scientist—and he wore glasses. So I said, "If these eye drops worked, why do you wear glasses"?
Well, these eye drops don't exist yet. But when someone else actually formulates these "fantasy eye drops", my mailman friend thinks he will get the money because he "invented" them by dreaming them up.
Freepik, wayhomestudio
9. What's On The Menu?
I went on a double date with this girl. She was kind of goofy, but more lacking common sense rather than being as dumb as a box of rocks—until that night.
That night, we went to a BBQ restaurant and she ordered ribs. As we were eating, she asked, "What part of the cow is this from"?? We all chuckled—her sister included—but she just stared at us and repeated, "Did you not hear me? What part of the cow does this come from"?
We, in unison said, "Ribs"! She responded, "I KNOW THE NAME FROM THE MENU, BUT WHAT PART OF THE COW IS IT"??
I was done.
Freepik, ASphotofamily
10. A Matter Of Time
My girlfriend and I were lounging one Sunday when skiing came on the TV. The commentator said that contestants reached 100 km/h at that point in the race. My ex literally shouted at the TV. I looked at her and asked why she was so upset. She replied that there was no way that they could tell how far they'd go in an hour since the race was only two minutes long.
11. Cat's Got My Tongue
I had been dating this girl for a few months and it was Christmas time. We weren't super serious but it was serious enough that I was buying her Christmas presents. I found something for her that was perfect and it had a connection to some funny event involving her and my cat. So I made the present from the cat.
I thought I was being cute and she would make the connection. I've never been more wrong. Instead, she was furious that my cat got her a present and I didn't. I thought she was joking. To make matters worse, we were at her parents' place and they backed her up. It was extremely awkward. That's when I realized it wasn't going to work out.
12. Half-Baked Boyfriend
My boyfriend was trying to bake cookies and kept opening the oven for extended periods of time. When I told him he was letting all the heat out by constantly opening the door wide open and staring at the cookies, he told me I didn't know how ovens worked.
According to him, because the temperature was set at 400, the oven is always at 400. Meanwhile, he kept saying, "I don't know why it's taking so long". It took an hour to bake one sheet of cookies.
To make matters worse, he insisted on doing this on Thanksgiving, tying up my oven. He was livid when he found out the turkey would take three hours to cook. As I'm sure you can imagine, it did not work out.
13. Whacky Questions
It was 1999 and I was a Marine. My girlfriend constantly asked, "What is fighting like? How many battles have you fought in? When you jumped out of a plane in enemy territory did you not think you would get shot down"?
She asked these questions for months. I would ask her, "What battle is going on? What conflict could I have been fighting in"? She was always super confused and would laugh and say I will open up eventually.
She told me that she had told her mom that when I got out, I was going to make tons of money as a parachute repair man. To this day, I have no idea what she was talking about. I told her numerous times that I never jumped out of a plane and that it was rare for Marines to be airborne.
14. What A Preposterous Accusation
My girlfriend and I went to a science museum and saw a display of a carboniferous swamp. I casually remarked that the land would have been different back then due to plate tectonics. She had never heard that the continents moved. So I explained how it worked with plates moving, earthquakes, and volcanoes. She still didn't believe me.
So then I found the plate tectonics display in the museum that explained it all. Incredulously, she then said that she was amazed that I had enough pull with the museum to have them set up a display to support my lies.
15. The Dimmest Star
My boyfriend and I were laying outside under the stars when he asked why some were brighter than others. I told him that stars have different sizes, brightnesses, and distances away from each other.
"You mean, they're not stuck up there"? he asked.
I'm lying there thinking this can't be true. But oh yes, it was. And it gets worse. Upon further questioning, I discovered that he actually believed that the night sky was like a big dark blanket with stars stuck on it. The fact that our sun was a star also blew his mind and that, just like our sun, other stars could have planets, was too much for him.
I was crushed. I almost broke up with him right then and there. But he was very earnest and wanted me to "teach him". So I tried. Two years later—and a whole lot of stupid later—we broke up.
16. Just Like Magic
I'm a product designer so I see lots of wacky "inventions". I had this client who carried around this "inventions notebook" and was extremely protective about it. One day in a meeting, he was showing me some of it, to sell how smart he was, or something.
One of his ideas was called "Elixir of Life" and I thought, "Huh, that sounds interesting, what's that"? So I asked him about it and he said, "Oh, it's like a potion that you drink which will cure any ailments you have, and make you feel great".
"Er—okay, wow! And does it work"?
He says, "Well, I mean, I don't know how to make it, but it's my idea, right"?
17. I'm Flattered
I had a girlfriend that tended to throw a fit over everything. One day, she spotted me on a restaurant's terrace at my school's campus having lunch with a lady.
When we met up later that day, she came storming in like a fireball, screaming at me and insulting that poor lady, saying she was old enough to be my mother.
When she finished, I just said, "So Mom, this is my girlfriend".
My mom still brags about the fact that my girlfriend at the time believed that she could pull a guy my age. At least she took it the right way!
18. Blame It On The Kids
My ex was the oldest of six siblings. We were both 20 at the time and had been dating for about a week. I commented, "You have wide hips for a man". He replied, "It's from carrying children". I was totally baffled.
That was, until his youngest brother walked in and he picked him up and rested him on his hip, as you do with toddlers. I had to sit him down and explain that you don't get wide hips from literally carrying children around.
19. Moo-ve Over
My girlfriend and I were driving down the road, and she looked out of the window to see a field full of cows.
She then asked, "Do they call it pasteurized milk because the cows were raised in a pasture"?
I married her.
20. Anatomy Lesson
The guy I was seeing didn’t know where the ankle was. I hurt my ankle when he accidentally dropped me. He went to look at it and said it looked fine as he was touching my calf. I was like, "Well yeah, because that’s not my ankle". Silence.
Then we started arguing about how it was my ankle that I hurt and me telling him that he was looking at my leg, not my ankle—and having to explain what an ankle was.
21. A Whole Lot Of Stupid
My ex didn't think that it rained over the ocean because there was enough water there already. She was shocked that it rained when we were on a cruise.
22. You Can't Be Serious
My boyfriend in his early 20s, insisted that women couldn't be doctors, only nurses—and vice versa. He said that the two are the exact same thing except one is male and the other is female.
23. Idiot-Proof
My girlfriend would always ignore the idiot lights in her car, until the car actually broke down. So we bought a car that actually tells you when it's time to have it serviced. Unfortunately, that brilliant idea backfired.
One day, she was really frustrated and complained about the car being noisy. She said, "There's this big flashing message that says: 'BRING AUTO IN FOR SERVICE' and I can't get it to turn off. What should I do"?
This person has a PhD too.
Freepik, senivpetro
24. On Thin Ice
My ex wanted to play hockey and found what he thought were the holy grail of skates. He bought them for $200—I don't know the exact price as it was a long time ago. His friend, who lived in a city 1 hour and 20 minutes away, told him he got the same skates for $195.
So my ex returned the skates he bought for $200, jumped in his old Camaro and drove 1 hour and 20 minutes, costing him $50 in gas, just to get the skates that were $5 cheaper. That should have been the biggest red flag. But sadly, it turned out I was the idiot who ended up staying with him for another few more years.
25. What A Birdbrain
My ex-girlfriend was in her late 30s and thought all bluebirds were boys and all robins were girls. "Because that’s how it always is in cartoons"!
26. Simply Baffling
I had been casually dating a girl for a few weeks. I was on my way to the mall one day when she called me. She said that she would meet me there to hang out. I told her to park on the north side of the mall and to meet me at the entrance.
It took her forever to show up. Apparently, she said she got confused when I told her to meet me on the north side of the mall. After a few questions, I found out that she thought north was just whatever direction she was facing. If she was watching the sunrise she thought the sun rose in the north because that’s the way she was facing.
27. Speaking His Own Language
I mentioned to my boyfriend that I might be interested in learning to speak Italian. He kind of scoffed and said, "Why would you need to learn Italian? That's EASY"! I was very confused and said, "What?? Why do you think it's so easy"?? His response left me howling with laughter.
He said, "Italian is just American with an accent"! And yes, he called the language "American" and not "English". It took me a few beats before realizing that he thought an Italian ACCENT was the actual language! He thought that the saying, "I'm-a gonna eat-a the spaghetti-and-a meat-a-balls" was actually Italian.
I could barely get the words out to explain to him how wrong he was because I was literally on the floor helpless, clutching my stomach laughing. I could not stop laughing for at least a full 10 minutes. He was so mad at me for laughing at him but goodness gracious, how could I not??
Later that day, I snuck his phone and changed his ringtone to that Family Guy bit where Peter is talking gibberish to the Italian guy, thinking he's speaking Italian—"Babada boopy? Babada boobada babada"! He did not appreciate that, either.
28. That's Totally Illogical
While watching District 9 with my girlfriend, she became visibly upset, all tears and quiet sobs. She then turns to me and whispers, "When did this happen"?—as if the mistreatment of space aliens actually happened.
29. Mind-Blowing Discovery
My girlfriend was very brilliant and had a Masters degree but still she had some pretty hilarious, silly moments. This particular example stands out.
She'd just received the new registration for her car. Tags are taped to the registration. But rather than remove the adhesive back from the sticker, she used a piece of tape to attach it to her license plate. Of course it fell off after a short drive.
I will never forget the look on her face when I explained to her that her tags were a sticker. She had been driving for 15 years at this point.
Freepik, lookstudio
30. The Boiling Point
I phoned my boyfriend up the day he moved into his first student flat. He was studying in the next country over, and we had a long distance relationship. He said, "I'm fine, just desperate for a cup of tea and can't have one until tomorrow".
"Why not"? I asked , knowing very well he had pans.
"There's no kettle here. We'll have to go buy one".
"If you're that desperate, just boil water on the stove", I said.
"Oh, yeah! Um...how do I do that"? He genuinely had no clue. I then had to walk an adult man through the process of boiling water. I did marry that idiot, but only after I taught him how to cook.
Freepik, Racool_studio
31. Fast But Not THAT Fast
I was seeing a girl whose friend recently purchased a new car called "The Spark" or something. I made a joke about how it must be the fastest car ever if it could travel at the speed of light. She said, "No, only foreign imported cars can go that fast". She was serious.
She blamed not being in school for a couple of years as to why she didn't know that cars cannot go the speed of light.
32. A Chocolatey Discovery
I’m from the very south of Florida and there are no cattle around down there. My boyfriend and I were driving up to North Carolina to see my best friend so we had to drive north through the state.
We were about five hours into our trip when we saw a field of cows. They were brown and white and I told him that that's where chocolate milk came from. He believed me. He was 23 at the time.
He also told family members about the chocolate milk cows he saw. I never corrected him.
33. Boring Veggies
My girlfriend only watched Veggie Tales. She also had a video that said that the earth was only 5000 years old and people used to live several hundred years because back then, there was more oxygen in the atmosphere. She was really, really pretty though.
Maybe I'm the idiot because I seriously tried to get into Veggie Tales with her. I gave it a serious chance but I just couldn't. We were both in college. But conversations with her were like talking to a brick wall. There was never any depth to any conversation.
One time, she said, "I like carrots. They're orange. Do you like carrots"? I ended the relationship by getting out of the car at a stoplight after such a conversation. I just started walking and never looked back.
But there was one upside to the stupidity. I learned from her that maybe I should just be myself and not pretend to be someone else just because a girl is pretty.
34. Cool Fish, Dumb Boyfriend
My boyfriend and I watched a documentary that explained how sharks have electric-sensory receptors which they use for hunting. My boyfriend said, "That's not possible. Sharks are supposedly millions of years old but we only invented electricity a hundred years ago".
35. Don't Repeat That
The girl I was dating told me she doesn't let her dog eat meat because that would be cannibalism. Her reason for believing that was the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
She said that because in cartoon movies, the animals are all able to understand each other and act as a family, so one eating another would be against the laws of nature.
But of course it's okay for us humans to eat meat because "we're not animals...we're humans"! I had to politely ask her to never repeat that to anyone else.
36. You're Nuttier Than I Thought
My boyfriend was getting his license renewed and they asked him if he wanted to be an organ donor. He said no. When I asked why, he told me it was because he didn't want the government to come knocking for any of his organs when he still needed them. He really thought that becoming an organ donor meant that, at any time, his organs could be taken.
Freepik, stockking
37. Second Time's The Charm
I asked him about the class he was taking at community college. He said, "It's going okay! Better than last year— I failed it twice".
"Must be a hard class! What's it about"? I asked.
"Learning strategies", he replied.
He failed a class about how to learn—TWICE.
38. Not Smarter Than A Second Grader
My girlfriend and I were driving down the road and she saw the moon still visible during the day. She asked, "How is the moon out at the same time as the sun"?
I said, "Sometimes that happens, it's not that uncommon". What she said next blew my mind.
"No, they are the same thing. So how can we see both at the same time"?! she shouted.
"Um, the sun and the moon are two DIFFERENT things. Are you serious"? I asked.
"Yeah. Not everyone went to college like you, school boy", she retorted.
I was stunned. "You learn this in grade two", I said.
She was in her early 30s.
39. A Perplexing Math Problem
While making Kool-Aid, my girlfriend was perplexed. The package said that it needed one cup of sugar but she only had a 1/3 cup scoop. So she asked, "Where is the whole cup"? To which I replied, "I don't know, just use the 1/3 cup".
"Well, how many scoops do I use, then"?
"It's one THIRD of a cup...", I replied.
"I don't know fractions, just tell me", she scoffed.
"I'm not going to tell you. Figure it out. It's one THIRD of a cup". Quite astonished, I asked, "How many do you think it would be"?
"I don't know, just tell me"! she screamed impatiently
"Three".
The girl was 20-years old at the time. I'll never forget that.
40. Directionally Challenged
I was hiking with my girlfriend and we were following a trail I had read up on online. We got to a fork and I said, "Okay, now we need to go north". She then said, "Haven't we been doing this the whole time"?
Confused, I looked at her and asked why she thought that. She replied, "North is the direction in front of you, yeah"?
I'm still not entirely sure about the origins of that logic.
41. Changing Gears
Every day, my girlfriend would put her car in neutral and push it out of her parking spot. I just assumed her shifter was messed up or she had a bad transmission but didn't want to replace it since the car was like five or six years old at the time. The truth left me shaking my head.
One day, I had to drive her home because she hurt her ankle and without even thinking about it, I put the car in reverse. She screamed at me when I put the car in "Racing" to back it up. She seriously didn't know her car had a 'reverse' gear and for the three years she'd been driving it, had manually backed it up every single time.
42. The Supreme Simpleton
A crazy ex-date who was a staunch Buddhist, has a large portrait of Guanyin hung in his room. He doesn't eat beef due to his beliefs.
In the three short weeks we were seeing each other, he suggested we go to his favorite restaurant to eat his favorite Swedish meatball lunch at Ikea. In multicultural Singapore, the restaurant has two sections: Regular and Halal—to cater to our Muslim friends, which is common here. The meatballs at both counters are the same, made of a mix of chicken and beef.
I asked him, "Why Ikea? Don't their meatballs contain beef"?
He replied, "It's halal, stupid! Why can't I eat it? I've been eating it for years".
"It's halal, which means no pork, stupid. It still has beef in it", I responded.
My boyfriend then gives me the most serious, astonished look on his face. I'm glad that's over!
43. Not A Very Bright One
I am a gay man in my late 30s. My partner is a couple of years younger than I am, and we've been together for seven years.
I first noticed a problem when I mentioned something about the Holocaust and he had no idea what it was. I was pretty shocked, but his PhD—yes, PhD—is in a scientific field and I thought maybe he just didn't pay attention to other subjects, like history. But it was so much worse than that.
As I got to know him, I realized he really didn't know anything about anything. I'm talking about basic stuff, like how checking accounts work and how to read a map. I used to cut him a lot of slack thinking that he was just sheltered and grew up from a different background, but lately I've decided he's just not the brightest bulb.
Last week, he decided to order pizza. We waited and waited but it never came. It turned out the restaurant he ordered it from was in Massachusetts. We live in Florida.
I love him to the moon and back, but if we were a straight couple, I would have serious reservations about breeding with this person.
44. Worlds Apart
We live in Australia. I overheard this conversation between my parents:
Mom: "It's a shame we are so far from the rest of the world".
Dad: "Yeah".
Mom: "Why can't they just move us closer"?
Dad: "....".
Mom: "But really, why? Can't they just put motors on the side"?
My mom didn't realize that, in fact, islands do not "float in the ocean". It took over two hours of convincing to get her to believe otherwise. She also happens to have a PhD.
45. That's Different
I dated a girl in high school for a period of about two weeks. One day, this girl was eating a burrito and I asked what kind it was. She said, "It's meat". I then replied, "What kind of meat"? She repeated, "It's meat".
Growing annoyed, I asked, "Is it beef, chicken, or pork"? For the third time, she repeated, "It's meat"! She truly believed "meat" was different from beef or any other kind of meat. What the...?!
Freepik, freepik
46. Watch And Learn
I had only been on a few dates with my boyfriend. We were at a very fancy restaurant when he asked, "Do you want to see how to properly taste wine"? I said, "Sure". What happened next was pure chaos.
My boyfriend takes a sip of his drink, chokes, and spits it all over me and all over our food while everyone looks at the drama occurring at our table.
I've been with him for nine years and I love him very much, but that was a very dumb moment.
47. That's Not Advisable
I watched my 25-year-old girlfriend do something incredibly dumb—and incredibly dangerous. She wrapped a potato in aluminum foil and tossed it into our microwave. I quickly told her that she couldn't do that because it was unsafe and could cause a fire.
She looked me right in the eye and said, "My mom does this all the time—she taught me". As nicely as I could, I tried to explain how she must be mistaken. She dug in. After five minutes of gentle arguing, I gave up and said to her, "Try it".
She forced herself not to react to the volley of sparks and zapping sounds for the first few seconds, just in case it stopped. She then looked me in the eye and said, "Well, it always worked before".
48. As Seen On TV
My ex-boyfriend was cooking a stir fry and was almost finished with the meat and vegetables so I asked him if he was serving it with rice or noodles. He said, "Rice", but I didn't see any so I replied that he probably should have cooked the rice first.
He snapped back, "I have, it's in the fridge".
I opened the fridge to find a bowl of raw rice covered with water and informed him that you can't cook rice in the fridge. He replied smugly, "Yes you can, I saw it on a cooking show. The chef said, 'Here's some rice I prepared earlier in the fridge'".
Clearly he was unaware of the fact that cooking shows are edited and the rice had been pre-cooked and then stored in the fridge. Poor dear, probably moved back into his mom's basement after that.
Flickr, Marco Verch Professional Photographer
49. On The Road To Dumbville
We were both in college at the time. I was doing my student teaching and had told some of my students that I would go to the fall play, but I had broken my right ankle, so my girlfriend had to drive.
While on the road, we saw flashing red lights, indicating that a stop sign was approaching. She thought that the blinking lights meant that you were entering a different time zone.
She dropped this knowledge on me on the way there. I was dumbfounded.
50. Blond Moment
The setup is almost like the start of a bad joke. I was in high school dating a blonde cheerleader. I'm half Asian and I was eating something with metal chopsticks. I noticed she was looking at me with her gears turning. I asked her, "What's up"? and she asked me, "How do you guys eat soup"?
Trying my best to keep a straight face I said, "Oh, the ends of the chopsticks pop off and we can use them as straws". "Oh! That makes sense!" And she accepted that without further question.
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