A regular part of a person’s nightly routine is thinking about all the clever things they could’ve said to whoever annoyed them that day. But there are some nights that you can sleep soundly because you served a big slice of insult cake right back to your nemesis. Get ready to feel satisfied: These are the most brutal comebacks people have ever heard.
1. Paying with Your Own
My dad is a pediatrician. One time someone said to my brother, “Your dad touched my balls.” My brother responded with, “Yeah, and you paid him for it.”
2. Say It to My Face
I have pretty crazy neighbors. Their crazy daughters are identical twins. One day, the twins were having a massive argument. The first twin says, “I hate you, you ugly witch.” The other twin loudly responds with, “We’re twins you, dumb idiot!”
3. Making It Lightly Shower
My habitually broke friend, Mike, finally got a part-time job at 23 years old. He cashed his $300 paycheck. We were all hanging out, and Mike was flaunting his money. He said, "Heck yea losers," and tossed up in the air. Our friend, John, calmly stated, "Mike, don't throw your life savings around like that.”
4. Get with the Times
One time, MySpace Tom was defending something online when someone tweeted, “Says the guy who was not able to keep a social network alive.” MySpace Tom responded, “Says the guy who sold MySpace in 2005 for $580 million while you slave away hoping for a half-day off.” It’s one of the greatest online burns of all time.
5. Seeing a Problem
A customer was angry that we couldn't take another company's gift card. He said, "Are you saying I can't read?" I said, "No, our store got sold. We can't take those anymore. The grace period ended two years ago." He went silent. His wife said, "I guess you can't read after all." I wanted to high five that lady.
6. Extinguishing Language Barriers
My high school principal once insulted my mother, who is not American and doesn't speak English as her first language, when she spoke English and made a little mistake. She just politely apologized for the mix-up and said to him, "I'm sorry. Sometimes I get English mixed up with the other six languages I speak. How many do you speak?"
7. Karen Clear
A woman holding up the line at Starbucks asked the barista, “Could you please compare and contrast the five following roasts of coffee bean and tell me whether each would be best with pound cake, lemon squares, or pecan pie…?” The barista tried his best to describe what she wanted to know about the whole menu. When he finished, the woman said to him, "I'm sorry. Could you repeat that? I don't speak gay."
Then the cashier responded with the most beautiful thing I have ever heard: "No problem. I'm fluent in Karen."
8. Greasing up the Dance Floor
When I was 13, I used to attend dance classes. There were some older and heavier girls who always picked on me. I remember one of them saying, "Bite me," in front of all of her other terrible friends. I replied with, "No thanks, I'm actually trying to cut fat from my diet." That shut that cow and her mean friends up real fast.
9. Sounds Familiar
I was playing Call of Duty 4 on Xbox with some of my friends one night. One of my friends said to some dudes who we had just beat that game, "Why does your breath smell like my wang?" Some dude said back, "Because I just ate out your sister," without skipping a freaking beat. Xbox Live used to be a brutal, cruel world.
10. More Than Enough
I overheard this in the cafeteria in eighth grade. The first guy went, "Is it cool if I sit here?" The other guy said, "No. This table is for the 2-foot club." So, the first guy immediately responded with, "That's fine. I can cut off a few inches." Eighth grade me was very impressed, so much that I still remember it 15 years later.
11. No References Needed
When I was at work one day as a cashier, I overheard some customer shouting at the service desk about another one of our employees. He was spouting off about how we were terrible and how our workplace only hires idiots. My supervisor looked him dead in the eye and destroyed this man's life. She asked if that meant he wanted an application.
12. Taking It Stroll
I saw a girl in a bar, and some man walked up to her and said, "I bet the first thing you do in the morning is walk back home." She said back to him, "not from your house, buddy."
13. It’s Always the Littlest One
I was on Xbox Live, and an older girl was trash-talking these younger kids. She said something crude, and someone told her to get a life. She said, "I have a life. I'm on my lunch." The youngest sounding kid with no hesitation said, "I didn’t know girls with that kind of job were even allowed to have breaks."
14. Surprise Feature
I was in the marching band in high school, and we took a school bus to the away football games. We spent the trips there and back goofing around and being general high school band kids. One guy thought he was pretty good at freestyling even though he wasn't and would often ask someone to make a beat for him.
One day, somebody finally gave in. He started up, "Oh-six is the year that we graduate, I'm about to go ask Kelly on a date." Behind him, this super quiet guy jumped in and destroyed him. He finished the rhyme with: "but she'll probably say no, so you'll just masturbate." There was a chorus of, “ooh’s,” and the freestyle guy never asked for a beat again.
15. Taking Charge
I work on the local force. I had a call where a teenager was "talking back" to his parents. He was not hitting, throwing things, or hurting anyone. He was being a spoiled brat. The mom got incredibly upset and started screaming at me when I said it was a parenting issue. I said, "This took you 15 years to mess up. I can't fix all that in a 15-minute call."
16. Folded Like a Cheap Suit
I was in college at a bar, and a guy had been relentlessly flirting with me all night trying to get me to sleep with him. Finally, I thought I had a sure-fire line, “Sorry, I only bang guys with nine inches." My friends hooted and high-fived me, and I flipped my hair and sat down feeling like zing royalty. That's when he stood up, shaking his head, and said, "Sorry. I don't fold my equipment in half for anyone."
He walked away, and left my friends and I sitting in silence. I still have a scar from that burn.
17. In the Family Business
When my younger brother was about 13, I noticed he had come home from school with a bit of a black eye, and I asked him how he had gotten hurt. He wouldn't tell me what had happened, so I just assumed he lost a fight and I left it alone. A few weeks later, I heard what he did. It was hilarious, but so brutal at the same time.
There was a kid named Joe who went to school with my brother since the start of primary school. Joe was kind of a big jerk, he flew off the handle quickly and had a hard time fitting in; He’d lost his father at a young age, which is probably why. Our father had just bought himself a new sports car, which looked a bit of a feminine, and Joe choose this as his ammo to laugh at my brother.
Joe said, "Hey, does your dad cut hair for a living? He's driving a hair dresser’s car didn't you know?" My brother allegedly replied with, "What does your dad drive, a coffin?" When I asked why he lost the fight, my brother said he felt bad and took the beating out of guilt. Still... A+ for a quick comeback.
18. Huffing and Puffing
I was at a comedy show when I saw a guy who was pretty tipsy heckling the comedian. He said to her, "I'll bet you're afraid of the big bad wolf, aren't you?" "No! I'm not!" she said defiantly. He responded with, "That's funny...the other two pigs were."
19. Hard to Brush Off
The most devastating comeback that I've ever witnessed was, unfortunately, directed right at me. 15-year-old me was at my friend’s house after school snacking at his kitchen table with a bunch of friends like we normally did most afternoons. When we finished eating, my friend jokingly accused me of never cleaning up my messes.
I responded, “what are you talking about? I always clean up!” All of a sudden, out of nowhere, his Jamaican cleaning lady appeared, and in her thick snappy Jamaican accent said, "The only thing you ever be cleanin’ up is all the snacks in da pantry.” It was upsetting listening to everybody’s roaring laughter.
20. Hold It In
I was in my chemistry class and said "Breathing is one of my favorite things to do. I do it all the time." The teacher said to me while she was sitting at the back of the class, "Maybe you should think about taking a break from it for a few days."
21. Sweet and Short
Two couples and two singles were out for dinner. The woman from couple A mentioned how couple B would have cute children. The single guy said to the obviously uninterested girl, "How do you think our kids will look?" as a pick-up line attempt. The single woman said very directly and without hesitating, “Aborted.”
22. Just Mere Chest
My friend and his father were arguing over a rugby match. They are manly men, so the way they show love is by blatantly insulting each other. I was over for a big family dinner while they were going at it. Everyone was looking back and forth like it was a tennis match. I can't remember what my mate said, but his dad just fired back without breaking a stride, "Yeah? Well, you should have dried on your mum’s chest!"
My friend just sat there mouth agape, while his sisters and I were laughing uncontrollably. His mum was giving his dad the most insane look I have ever seen.
23. Screeching to the Choir
My ex-wife, who cheated on me with multiple people before we broke up, called me to say that she wanted my daughter to go to church with her and wanted me to take her too. As she pushed me to talk about commitment, I said, “You're right, commitment is important. Like when you promise "till death do us part" you don't go around with other people and toss your family away.” She hung up as soon as she was able.
24. Show You How It’s Done
A guy at my work screwed up royally on a conference call while his boss was on the line listening in. Right after, the guy said, "I know, I know! I'm kicking myself already!" Without missing a beat, the boss said, "Well, stand up then, so I can kick it for you because apparently you can't even do that right!"
25. Watch Your Mouth
There was a rude and obnoxious kid who nobody liked at our school, and he deserved to not be liked. The only thing that could shut him up was a good fat joke because he was pretty big. So one day, he started making fun of a younger, smaller, nerdier kid with dirty old shoes. He was saying that he was better than this kid because he was rich and could buy "way nicer shoes” because he "made so much money because he stayed on the daily grind."
Then this little kid looked at him with a straight face, and replied, "Yeah, grinding a Big Mac between your teeth." The small kid never got made fun of again.
26. Word Problems
An English teacher made a mistake grading someone's test. Shortly after, he looked at the board and saw a previous teacher's math lesson. He asked if anyone still needed it. I nearly spat out my drink when I heard the kid next to me. He yelled out "you might."
27. Doing Your Best
A girl was yelling at her boyfriend while waiting in line. Obviously, everybody could listen to the fight. She ended her rant with, "And if you didn't have such a small package, you might have a chance of satisfying me." The boyfriend went, “If you sucked me as well as you suck the joy out of everything, you might know how big it can get.”
28. None the Wiser
At 27 years old, I was engaged to a girl I’d been with since high school. Well, “out of the blue,” for me, but I’m thinking not for her, about two months before the wedding, she up and left me. We dealt with it relatively maturely and said we would be civil. Yeah, that didn't work out. We pretended that we would stay in touch and be friends, etc., but there was serious anger and resentment for both sides.
A week after she left, she came back to get a bunch of her stuff. The tension was palpable, and there were passive-aggressive comments back and forth through gritted teeth and crocodile smiles. When we got to the bedroom, I very sarcastically said, "So, wow, how rude. I guess I didn't even get the courtesy of a last time," and without missing a beat, she smiled back and responded, "Oh, you did, you just didn't know what it was at the time."
29. Expanding to New Heights
I'm a pretty short guy around 5'3. One day, I was talking to some guys that I knew. I looked at one of them and told him to grow a mustache, he looked at me and said, "Man, you should just grow." Dang.
30. Quite a Handful
A kid was trying to brag to a female friend of mine about the size of his package. He said, "It's so big you'll need two hands." To which I replied, "Yeah, one to hold the magnifying glass and one for the tweezers." I was proud of myself.
31. Nothing in Common
A girl said to me, "I hope you weren't hitting on my boyfriend because I assure you, he isn't interested." I said, "I'm not interested, especially now that I know he would have you."
32. You Could Hear a Pizza Pop
My new manager at a pizza place had been giving me a hard time all night. He asked, “Why haven't gotten your prep work done already?” Without thinking, I said, “because I've been too busy plowing your mom.” Everybody around me went silent. I suddenly realized what I said and to whom. There was a slight pause.
Then the manager said, “Well, you better get yourself checked, cause that girl is dirty.” We ended getting along great after that. But, holy moly, that was the closest I have ever come to being fired for being dumb.
33. Ingest That!
I was in my 11th-grade psychology class, and this jerk kid says to my friend, "Jeff, you're such a wussy." My friend replied, "Well, you are what you eat, and I guess that explains why you're such a weiner." The class lost it, and even the teacher was impressed.
34. Home Schooled
I learned a phrase in Arabic, “Allah yehrib beitek,” which means, "May God destroy your house," and I used it on a shopkeeper trying to scam me. Without skipping a beat, the shopkeeper looked at me and said, “Allah yehrib beit omek,” which means "May God destroy your mom's house.” I got your mom-ed in Arabic.
35. Your Toast
A long time ago, one of my old friends was at a local bar with his brother and another friend of ours when some Bros came and sat across from them. He soon realized the ringleader of the Bros was the guy who was making moves on my friend's ex-girlfriend. He'd had a crush on her forever and now that her and my pal were over, we all knew it was just a matter of time until he made his move.
As the night progressed, we heard them snickering about my buddy, but we just ignored them and tried to have a good time. A little while later, the bartender walked up with a special drink – a strawberry shandy. This was the most feminine drink on the menu. This was clearly the Bros ringleader’s moment of glory that he had been working on all night. He thought it would solidify his status, but he was so wrong.
He and his henchmen were filled with glee and anticipation as the drink was delivered, and soon after the waiter said, "courtesy of your friends over there," they erupted in laughter. Then, my friend, unwavering and keeping his cool, showed a steely determination I’ve never seen from him. Without breaking eye contact with his foes, he picked it up, gave them a thank you nod, and started drinking it.
He finished exactly 7/8th of the cocktail, then lowered the glass, handed it back to the bartender, and said, "Would you please send my thanks and remaining drink to my friend across the bar? When you give it to him, give him the following message: Thanks for the drink, please enjoy my scraps again." The waiter obliged with a grin and delivered the drink and message loud and clear. The ringleader’s face went blank, and the bar burst into laughter.
36. Single Served
I was with a bunch of close friends, and one of them brought his new girlfriend. He’d been acting better than all of us since we were single, and she instantly hated me and every other girl in the group and was crazy jealous. About three hours into it, she started screaming at me for "being in love with him."
She said, “It's so obvious you're into him. It's pathetic. He made the best choice with picking me. You and every other brat here are just mad.” I said calmly, “I don't want your boyfriend. No one wants your boyfriend. That's why he's with you.” She was pulled away while throwing a fit. He hasn't brought her around since.
37. Quite a Knight
It was my very first job as a waiter at this local diner. About four months in, I was pretty good at my role. The diner wasn't large, and customers were mostly regular. The boss and I could easily run it alone, and it was something I enjoyed. One day, Lord Regent Jerkface III comes with three members of his court in tow.
They ordered their food and proceeded to drop wrappers on the floor, spill food, sprinkle salt on the floor after I swept, talk loudly on their phones, etc. Once they finished their meals, I brought the check with the total of $25.50. Lord Douchy thumbed through his wallet to pay. He casually asked me, "how long have you been waiting tables?"
I told him, "around four months," to which he jeeringly replied, “I can tell,” and then slapped exactly $25.00. I counted the money in front of him and kindly informed him that the check was $25.50. The guy gave me a blank stare and then said, "huh?" I tried to explain but Douchtastic was dumbfounded. Finally, his lady friend leaned in.
She smacked him then said, "He needs another dollar." A pathetic, "Oh," escaped the lips of the Lord Regent. Now was my chance, “So. How long have you been doing math?” His friends burst out laughing at him. It was very satisfying.
38. Doggy Dog World
My dad was working for a company that was involved in a lawsuit with a dude who was, by all accounts, a real annoying jerk. The lawyer, knowing my dad, told him to avoid the guy and not engage with him. At the courthouse, this guy was all over my dad talking smack. Finally, my dad turned and looked at him.
My dad said, "I'm not supposed to be talking to you, but I'll say this: I hope when you get home tonight, your mother comes running out from under the porch and bites you right in the bum." It took the guy until my dad was already 300 feet down the hallway for it to click.
39. Gentle Execution
There was a kid in class who was on the spectrum somewhere, and he’d knocked over a lab stool. The smart-mouth kid of course went, “Haha, you knocked over your chair.” Stuff like this usually set him off. To my amazement, he replied, “No, I laid it down just like I do with your mother.” I gave him a high five.
40. Unfit for Everyone
My former friend was 12 years my senior, and she fancied herself pretty heavily. She was OK, but I doubt anyone was losing sleep over her. She dressed way too young for her age. One day, she pointed out that I was overweight and dumpy-looking next to her. I finally had enough of her comments. I said, "Well what about you?" "Excuse me?!" she snapped, "I have the body of a 22-year-old!" I said back, "Well give it back, you're stretching it out!"
41. You Dil or You Don’t
My sister, when she about 13, was fighting with my little brother who was three years older than her, and he was being aggressive and mean. She clearly shouted, "I'd call you a dick but you're so fake you're just the toy version!" My mom and I were in the kitchen, and my mom shouted at her, "GO TO YOUR ROOM!"
My sister went upstairs, and my mom still had tears in her eyes and was choking back laughter when she said, "Where did she learn that?!" I told EVERYONE I knew at the time. I called it The Sickest Burn of all Time. It's still so beautiful.
42. Bold to Assume
A kid in class was being quite insulting about another boy who had just come out. This guy, let's call him John, kept implying that he had to be afraid that our gay classmate was going to make a move on him. The perfect comeback popped into my head as he teased this poor kid. I sighed and said, “John, none of the girls in class fancy you…why would any of the boys?”
43. Chatter Box
I was in an online chatroom when I was 15 years old. Some guy I’d been talking to for a while and who I had told I was 15 sent me a, shall we say, inappropriate picture out of nowhere. He asked me what I thought about it. I told him that my mom always told me that good things come in small packages. He wasn’t very impressed with me.
44. Quit It, Squirt
The annoying kid in class had a spray bottle and was spraying it on people even though everyone asked him to stop. Then some girl walked up to him to deal with the situation, and it went something like this, "Dude, can you stop?" He went, "Nah." Then she said, "Aw, is it the only way you can make a girl wet?"
45. Brought Down to Middle Earth
The person who used to pick on me in high school was tiny, like under 5 feet tall! I was 6'3" at the time, so he would always pick on me, throw stuff at my head, push me around, and stuff like that. I never fought back because I hate to fight. One day, we were in a class together, and the class went on lockdown.
Apparently, the campus wasn't in danger. So jokingly, I said, “Maybe the zombie apocalypse started!” My tiny intimidator right away replied, “You dummy, zombies aren't real!” I said back, "Yeah, well, we didn't think Hobbits were real, but you’re standing here, aren't you?" He lunged at me and got in trouble.
46. Whip Smarting
My dear grandmother had a quick and savage wit. My fiancé and I held a “meet the whole family” night at my home. It was the first time his father met my grandmother. His dad was a big physically intimidating man with a gut. He was telling stories to my grandmother about my fiancé’s mischief when he was young.
Then he told my grandmother how he would take off his belt and whip Joe for being bad. My frail little grandmother stared directly at my hubby's dad's tummy and said, "Your belt? How could you ever find it?" Future father-in-law was gobsmacked.
47. A Clear, Driven Woman
The president of a company I worked for a few years back who was basically like a dad to me had the best story about his mom. She was a school teacher, but had saved meticulously, and purchased a Cadillac using cash. A stipulation of the sale was that she absolutely did not want stock speakers in the vehicle. Looking down at her car after picking it up, she could see into the rear window noting that the speakers were definitely stock.
She returned to the dealership the next day to confront the salesman who in response had a serious attitude problem, and he contended that she hadn't asked for higher grade speakers. Her classic response was, "Why don't you go get me your boss? I know you have a boss." She returned the vehicle and purchased one from a separate dealership.
48. Speaking from Experience
When I was in middle school many years ago, the mean kid was teasing an awkward kid about not being able to get girls and being "gay." Another known mean kid spoke up to the first one and said, "Man, you ain't had kitty since kitty had you," and the whole class started laughing. The original mean kid shut up really quick after that.
49. What’s That Smell?
The lunch lady destroyed me in front my whole class. That day, tuna fish was for lunch. I said, “Tuna fish? I'd rather a poop sandwich!” Without missing a beat, this 80-year-old lady fired back, “Wait right there. I can make you one in the back." Needless to say, I went with the tuna.
50. Outside Perspective
We were in a bar at 3 AM where the windows were just open shutters. A dude who had just left leaned in on our table to shout at his friends still inside. One of our group made a snide comment. The window dude smacked the table and said, “everybody who ever loved you was wrong,” and walked away. I think about this burn almost every day.
51. That’s Where You’re* Wrong
For years, I was told that my “comeback” was the best thing that anybody had heard since I was the quiet kid. Here's the story: I went to class once before the teacher was there, but this other girl, S, was at the whiteboard writing out a long-running joke about our teacher. I sat down, she finished, and the teacher came in noticing the board. He asked about it, and this girl plus a few others pointed at me and said, "He did it!"
We were 15 at the time, so they should have been beyond this. I don't know what it was, but something made me wordlessly walk up to the board, fix her spelling and punctuation errors, and then sit down. Only when I had sat down did I turn to the girl who'd done it to say, "I have standards." The room lost it. The teacher laughed so hard he went red in the face and cried.
52. Schoolyard Rules
I was playing spades, and a guy tried to lead the game with a spade. He refused to play by the rules, so I didn’t play. He sang, "The wheels on the bus go ‘round and ‘round," to imply that I was acting childish. He asked me, "Do you know why I'm singing that?" I said, "Yeah, because I'm taking you to school."
53. Something to Sink Your Teeth Into
An older family member criticized me for having a stray tooth that gave me a sort of a craggy smile as an adolescent. But it looks fine now. I was raised to not criticize what people can't help and to give compliments where possible, and so I did just that. Meanwhile, my elderly aunt clearly didn't get the memo. She told me that I had a “nice crocodile smile.”
I gave her an awkward thank you, but she kept going. She said, “it's just that tooth. Makes your smile all crooked. You could get it fixed.” I said back, “I suppose, but I know I'll never have teeth as nice as yours are. They are like stars,” she looked confused, so I went on, “…as in they come out at night.”
54. Mess With the Pale Bull...
A girl told me if I took my shirt off at the beach, the glare would blind everyone because of pale I was. In response, I told her, "at least when I go the beach people don't try to push me back into the sea."
55. Voulez-Vous Shut Up?
I was in Paris with some of my friends on the subway. We were talking in English, and these two women were talking about us being gross or dumb Americans in French. As we left the subway, my friend told them in perfect French, “We're going to go get cleaned up, too bad there's no shower for your personality!”
56. Losing the Midas Touch
My boss and I were trimming bird nails and wings. I couldn’t do anything because everything broke. My boss said, "Jeez girl, just breaking everything you touch today, huh?" I smiled then poked him on the forehead, “Boop!” The customer watching laughed so hard my boss got spooked and lost his grip on the bird.
57. I’m Lucifer-ous
"Why can't you be more like Michael? he's such an angel," this crotchety old bat from my grandparent’s church asked me. I, as a 15-year-old intellectual knew Michael did things that would straighten the perm out of her ugly hair, told her, "if you'd actually read the bible, you'd know Satan was an angel too."
58. Never Made the Cut
A “popular” girl who definitely had no interest in me jokingly asked me out to the Year 10 formal in front of the whole class. Without a moment’s hesitation, I knew what I had to say. I replied, “No thanks, Lauren. I have standards,” and the whole class, as well as the teacher, lost it.
59. Keep It PG
During my university days, I ran into a friend of mine, and I had been holding a Green Lantern graphic novel. My friend introduced me to his current girlfriend, and THE FIRST THING she said to me while shaking my hand was, "aren't comic books for kids?" In shock, I said to her, "aren't those A cups for kids?"
60. Hate to See It
Once, a kid in class said, “I don’t have a problem with people being gay in their houses. I just don’t want to see it out in the world. I don’t like looking at it. It disgusts me.” Someone said, “I don’t like looking at ugly people, but nobody is making you wear a bag over your face.”
61. Played Yourself
In 4th grade, I was obsessed with mirrors. My mom knew this and let me take her little compact mirror she used to apply lipstick along to school. A mean kid and his friends came over to me because they wanted the ball I had. He said to give him the ball. I said no. He said I was ugly, and his friends laughed. So, I asked him what was uglier than ugly and opened the mirror to show him his reflection. I have never seen somebody’s face turn as red.
62. Boy, Do I Feel Vindicated
I basically had no friends in grade 7 except for this girl named Carla who was completely asinine, pompous, and proud of her “evil” and tyrannical attitude. There was a substitute teacher who could not care less with the class. Everyone was talking and being middle schoolers until Carla and I started arguing. Then the entire class shut up to listen—even the substitute looked up.
I don’t remember what the argument was about, but what I do remember is her saying to me, “I could think of a thousand things wrong with you.” And suddenly, the hot black sheep bad boy of the school spoke up from his corner of the class. “You know what’s really sad, Carla, is that you can think of a thousand things wrong with everything here, but not one thing wrong with yourself.” I’m pretty sure that I blushed for at least a full minute and a half.
63. Women Are Too Weedy
A few years ago, I had a summer job cleaning the beach and pulling weeds. I had a hard time pulling this one weed out, so this kid who worked with me came along and said, “move over! This is a man's job!” So, I said, “then why are you doing it?” Everyone laughed.
64. In a Galaxy Far, Far Away
I was with a group of my friends at a beach sitting around a campfire and looking at the stars in the sky. It was quiet until my friend said to another friend's sister who had been annoying him all day, “I am going to name that star after you because I wish you were that far away.”
65. One True Love
Back in college near the end of a very unhealthy relationship with a crazy, psychotic, extremely hot girl with a magical body but no soul, we were fighting as usual, and she screamed, "You treat me like I'm one of your stupid dogs!" My reply was swift and brutal. I said, "That's not true, I love my dogs!"
66. Boy Toy
I saw a bunch of frat guys hitting on a girl that was not interested. One of the frat dudes went, “Hey, my dong needs a choking hazard sign!” Then with great pride, he high-fived his buddy. The girl said, “Isn’t that what they put on really small children’s toys?"
67. Softening the Blow
My great-grandfather is a soft-spoken South Carolinian and he’d just finished saying the blessing before our meal. My sister was about 8 years old at the time and said, “I couldn't hear you.” He turned to her and very politely but very seriously said, "I wasn't talking to you."
68. Sweetest Thing
Once, I asked my friend to come play soccer with me at the field. It was raining, so he was hesitant to go, so I said, "What, are you made of sugar?" And he replied instantly, "Yeah, that's why your mom has so many cavities." It’s the best comeback I've heard to date.
69. The Vanishing Letter
This is a verbal joke, so h is the h-sound, and ' is without. Once, a customer came to the bookstore and said, "I'm here to get a book on herbs." "Sure thing," I responded, "Our books on 'erbs are right over here." "Herbs," he corrected me. "We don't have a silent h in English." "Honestly?" I said right away.
70. Age before Beauty
An older gentleman, in his early 60s, was arguing with my friend and started making fun of his haircut. My friend commented on the old man’s lack of hair. The old man said, "Come see me in 30 years and see if you still have a full head of hair." My friend had the perfect retort. He said, "In 30 years, you'll be gone." He said nothing.
71. Strictly Back End Management
When I drove pizza deliveries, there was a guy who was invariably the joke because he was kind of dumb. I insinuated one night, in some barely clever way, that I enjoy doing his mother frequently. He said, “you've never even seen my mom." To which I responded, "well, not from the front." All five people laughed.
72. The Toilet Dance
When I was about 12, there was a mean girl in my dance class. Once, she saw that I had spilled water all over myself. So, she said, “smooth move, Exlax.” I made eye contact with her and said, “thanks, Pepto-Itch-Mol.” That was years ago, and I still haven't beaten that one.
73. Beat Ya to It
When a hurricane was wreaking havoc in his home state, Chris Brown tweeted, "Please pray for Virginia," to which TV writer Danny Zuker responded, "Oh God, what did you do to her?"
74. By a Flair
My friend used to get into a lot of bar fights in his early 20s. Whenever somebody started yelling and getting aggressive, he’d calmly let them finish their verbal rampage. Then, as everyone waited for his response, he’d smirk a little and sarcastically say, "Nice haircut." It somehow always ended with him in a fight.
75. Just a Reminder
My annoying co-worker loved saying dumb stuff to get a rise out of me. One day, I made him regret it. He shouted at me from across the floor that “there's a woman on the phone, and she says she's pregnant, and she thinks the baby might be yours.” I just shouted back at him, “Tell your mom to stop calling me at work."
76. On Deft Ears
An old lady was loading her groceries at my cash. To pass the time, I usually sing along to whatever awful song playing on the PA. The little old lady looked and said, "What did you do with the money?" I was confused and asked, “What money?" She said, "The money your parents gave you for singing lessons." Call the burn unit. Man down.