The human brain is an extraordinary thing. It can solve complex equations, experience floods of emotion, and create great works of art. It can also have moments where everything is going just fine and then BOOM! It goes completely sideways. The coffee cup is at your ear and your phone is in the microwave. We've all had those moments where we did something a little dumb while on autopilot, but these are the stories of the weirdest and worst moments when overworked brains went totally haywire. From accidentally throwing your lunch in the trash to blurting out incomplete thoughts, these facepalm moments will have you rolling with laughter.
1. Missing in Action
I was looking all over my house for my keys. Like, flipping over furniture, full-on panic hunting for these keys. Finally thought that I might have left them in the car. So I went outside, and realized that my car was locked. Purely out of habit, I automatically pulled my keys out of my pocket, unlocked the door, opened the door, and realized that I was a complete idiot.
2. Got Me Bobbing
I washed an apple at the sink, dried it with a paper towel, turned, tossed the apple in the trash, and stood there holding the paper towel like a dummy.
3. Fur Baby
When I was a brand-new mom on maternity leave, but still trying to juggle law school and a newborn baby, my sister-in-law had an emergency and had to leave her Boston terrier with me. Even though he was a very well-behaved dog and had already met the new baby, we were still worried and kept them separated just in case.
One morning, after my husband left for work, I picked the baby up out of the bassinet and went downstairs to make coffee. My husband had forgotten something and promptly came right back in to find me at the counter, brewing coffee, rocking a black and white dog in one arm, while our son was still quietly chilling in his bassinet upstairs. He took the day off from work and I went back to sleep.
4. Rub a Duh, Duh
When I was six or seven years old, I was getting ready for a bath. My parents had already filled the tub with water and bubble bath mix, and all I had to do was take off my clothes and put them in the basket of dirty laundry. I took everything off and promptly threw it all in the soapy tub, instead of the hamper. I stood there and just stared at what I had done for a solid thirty seconds.
5. Can’t Forget to Say Bye
I had to take a bus to work every day at about 4 AM. My wife usually drove me to the stop so that I didn't have to leave my car there for 14 hours. My wife's friend was staying with us while she looked for a job and house in the area. She was getting up early anyways, so she decided she’d take me and let my wife sleep.
When we got to the stop, I just instinctively leaned over and kissed her goodbye. Then I felt this jolt of panic as I realized what I had done. My poor wife's friend had a dumbfounded look on her face, and I instantly turned red as I apologized profusely and said "Sorry, it was a habit." My wife poked fun at me for days for putting the moves on her friend.
6. Warm Wishes
I ended a routine phone call with my boss with, “Love you, bye,” and hung up before I realized what I just did. My boss hugged me when I got in and teased me for a week.
7. Greetings, Earthling
I had recently been attending a lot of martial arts classes at night. One morning at work, I was a little tired, so when I entered my boss's office, instead of saying hi, I accidentally bowed at him like he was my karate instructor. This was in the US; neither of us are of Asian descent, and yes, he noticed. It was very awkward.
8. Quitting Time
I used to work on a farm, and we always took our boots off before entering the homestead for meal breaks. One afternoon, I absent-mindedly unbuttoned my jeans and started to take them off instead of my boots. I guess my brain decided I was done for the day!
9. Italian Horror
In college I had a fair number of all nighters and usually had the TV going to help keep me up and help with concentration. Once, a couple of weeks after submitting an essay for a political science class, I noticed the bone-headed message I sent to my professor. It went something like: "Attached is my water for Italian cooking."
My essay was completely fine and had nothing to do with Italy. I guess my brain just turned off as soon as I'd attached the paper and there must have been some cooking-related infomercial on TV while I sent it.
10. Catastrophic Mistake
I woke up early Monday morning in a bit of a panic because I had forgotten to buy cat food the day before. The cat must be starving. I hurry and get ready for work. I plan a detour to the store to buy the cat food. On the drive there, I'm planning my run into the store and I realize I don't know what aisle the food is in. How could I not remember what aisle the cat food is in? Then it hits me. I don't have a cat. I haven't had one for several years.
11. Pillow Talk
I was working as a summer counselor at a college helping incoming freshmen pick classes and stuff like that. The job was exhausting, but I loved it, so I poured my all into it. I made arts and crafts in my off time to make the experience more fun for the kids, I'd write elaborate skits, build sets and costumes, the works.
The result was that I barely slept; I only got about four hours per night for three months on end. One night, around 3 AM, just as I was going to bed, I realized that I'd forgotten to tell my kids that tomorrow's meeting was in my office and not at the outside benches where we'd met the day before. Then I wrote each kid a note.
I wrote my note, “Hi (Student Name), just letting you know that we're all meeting in my office tomorrow at 9 AM instead of at the benches. Thanks.” I wrote out 12 notes, and I was dozing off as I did so. I finally got them all done around 4 AM and delivered them under each student's dorm room door. I slept for 3 hours!
In the morning, at 9 AM sharp, the students started filing into my office. As they sat in the chairs, one asked, "Why didn't I get a funny note like everyone else?" I just thought, “Um... what? I didn't write any funny notes. I wrote – Oh no...” I found out that one of my notes said, “Just letting you know that I see bicycles bicycling.”
I was horrified, but then I read more, “Just letting you know that we're all crazy everywhere. You can eat here, enjoy the food,” which, again, made absolutely zero sense. It just got worse from there because apparently, I wrote out, “Dear Student, Student student student. Student,” and then I signed the message with my name.
The rest was all nonsensical, “Just letting you know that office buildings explode,” that I ended with "Love, Miss M." Another one said, “I don't know why I'm writing this. I see it. Maybe,” and, “Just letting you know that we're all meeting people all the time everywhere we go,” and then a blank one where I drew a heart with an arrow through it.
The clearest “funny” note said, “Just letting you know that we're all meeting in my room tomorrow morning at 9 am. SHARP! sharp. *sharp*. **SHARPPPPP**” with my name signed in capital letters with “sharp” next to it. All the other ones had the intended message. Thank GOD for my students who thought it was hilarious.
I do not, to this day, remember writing any of those, but they were definitely in my handwriting.
12. The Butt of the Joke
My husband and I had an inside joke. Whenever someone lost something, the other person always asked, "Have you checked inside your butt?" I was in a meeting at work in my conservative and traditional corporate office one day, and a co-worker said, "I can't find my pen." Without any thought or hesitation I quickly responded, "Have you checked inside your butt?"
As soon as I said it, I snapped back to reality and realized I was at work. As you can imagine, everyone went silent and stared at me as my face turned bright red.
13. You Just Got Served
I work at a busy restaurant, so I end up saying “corner” hundreds of times a night as I go back and forth around corners and doorways in the kitchen. One day, I was running food to a table, set it down gently, and in my sweetest customer service voice I said “Corner” while looking the customer right in the eye instead of “Here is your soup” or something like I usually do.
They looked confused, my brain tried to reset, and so naturally, I said, “Thank you” as if that made it better. I ended up just backing away. It was a lost cause.
14. Pillow Talk
I was folding my freshly laundered bed linens while simultaneously putzing around the house. I don’t know what to tell you but somehow, I was folding a pillowcase, then the next moment, I couldn’t find it anywhere. And I looked everywhere throughout my very tiny home! It wasn’t in the folded pile, it wasn’t in the closet, it wasn’t in the bedroom, bathroom, or kitchen, where I puttered around while folding said laundry...
It still haunts me. I’m going to find that pillowcase even if it kills me. It definitely wasn’t in my hand, my other hand, trash, or fridge. My main suspects are the closet or within the fitted sheets, meaning I have to refold them. What’s funnier is there are two pillowcases of the same design and it’s making me even crazier thinking I imagined the other one. I was also searching for it holding the other one like it was a missing cat poster.
15. Just Grazing By
When my daughter was very young, she loved trains. So, I'd take her on short train rides whenever I could. She couldn't get enough. Part of the routine was that, when we were on the train, we'd look out the windows and I'd point out the animals to her. I got some weird British alarmed looks that time I pointed out of the window and loudly said, "Look! Moo cows!" when I was on the train by myself.
16. Going Off Script
I used to work for Comcast in their call center. I worked 3 PM-12 AM, so the only thing that was open when I would finish work was McDonald's. During the holidays, there’s unlimited overtime. I, being 19 and having no obligations at the time, decided to work non-stop until I fell down at my desk. One year, I worked three days straight.
I took my mandatory breaks every couple of hours and napped in the lunchroom here and there. Finally, I decided I'd had enough at around 2 AM one morning. I stopped at the McDonald's drive-thru because I wanted something hot to eat. Up to this point, I had subsisted on mints and packs of crackers from a vending machine.
The conversation at the window went something like this, “go ahead and order when you're ready,” the lady told me. I went, “Thanks for calling Comcast, home of the triple play. My name is so-and-so, how can I assist you today?” Then there was a very long, awkward pause. I ended up sleeping in the parking lot of that McDonald's.
I spent about the next 12 hours in my car. The manager eventually knocked on my window and asked me if I was homeless and if I needed to come in and warm up.
17. Not My Stop
I’m an ex-bus driver, and many times on my way home from work, I would go to pull into a bus stop in my car...
18. Not Even Close
I was meeting my brother's in-laws for the first time. They asked me what my name was. I said, "Pete." My name is Tiffani.
19. Pour One out
The best autopilot moment I've seen was an employee doing dishes while a few of us talked to him. He was taking pans and dumping the leftover prepared food scraps into the garbage. Then he gets to the three coffee pots...I'm a pretty relaxed person, so I let it play out. He starts dumping pot one into the garbage, finishes, grabs pot number two, same.
Once he started with pot three, I just looked at him and said, "Matt, normally we pour coffee down the drain." He looks at me, looks at the coffee pot, continues to pour it into the garbage. Finally snaps out of it. We gave that guy heck for it until his last day.
20. Sun Salute
This is a while ago. I was working at McDonald's and worked in the morning. I’m not a morning person. My brain wakes up around 10 am and I think this was like 8 am. I handed this lady her large coffee and the sun shined bright in my eyes, and all I said was "Praise the sun." She looked at me all weird and drove off.
21. Not the Sharpest
I was working the backline at an Arby's WAY back in the day. We used to get our sub buns by the foot, but all the subs we sold were six inches. One day, when I was really tired, I literally reached into the bag, grabbed a sub roll, cut it in half, then put the knife back in the bag, and tried to cut another sandwich with the sub bun. The manager laughed.
22. Is This How You Do It
I was signing for a parcel on one of those electronic machine things that delivery drivers use. On this particular day, I wasn't paying any attention and ended up staring at the screen, zoning out for a full minute, then instead of signing my name, I just drew a straight line on the screen and handing it back. The mailman was very confused.
23. What Comes Out Must Go In
I was woken up at 3:30 in the morning for a random substance test for baseball last semester. After I peed in the cup, I was so tired and on such intense autopilot that I did something disgusting. I mindlessly drank my own pee cup. I don't know why, but I did it. Luckily, I was so tired that I didn't register the taste, and there was still enough in the cup to test.
24. To Make An Omelette, You’ve Gotta Throw a Few Eggs in the Trash
I was trying to make some scrambled eggs. Basic prep: crack the eggs, put the eggs in a bowl, toss the shell. Me: crack the egg, put egg in the trash. I literally stood above the trash can, with the shell in my hands, processing what had just happened for about 30 seconds. I just had the faint feeling of "I messed up" and was wondering exactly how for way too long.
25. You Can’t Go Home
A couple of weeks ago, I was driving home, but instead of going to my current house, I drove to my old house. I haven't lived there in over five years. I pulled into the driveway and luckily I realized what I had done before I actually got out of the car.
26. Another One, Barista
One time my girlfriend got handed her drink at Starbucks, said thanks, went over to the bar to get cream or something, and immediately made our jaws hit the floor. She dropped her fresh drink straight into the trash can at the bar. Her mother and I just looked at her and started laughing. The barista saw what happened, and with an “it happens” attitude, agreed to replace the drink.
It also helped that no one was in there except us. We still bring it up every now and then and all laugh, my girlfriend included.
27. Need for Safety
I went to the cinema to watch the new James Bond movie, Quantum of Solace. I was running a little late so I missed the previews and walked in to find that the movie had already begun. There was a furious car chase on screen when I arrived. After I found a seat and sat down, I instinctively tried to find my seatbelt so I could buckle up.
28. Making It Fit
I poured milk into my baby's bottle then, since it was, like, four in the morning, I tried to hear the full milk carton in the microwave, instead of the bottle. The carton was way too big but instead of realizing I had the wrong thing, I just got angry that it wasn't fitting. I only stopped trying because my husband was there watching and he start laughing.
29. Catching Up
I’m always running to catch the subway after waiting at the crosswalk in front of the station. Once, I was casually walking with my friend in the same area and then started running when the cross sign lit up. He had no idea what was happening.
30. I’m Home!
I drove home from Phoenix to Prescott. I got all the way to my old driveway before remembering that I had moved to Flagstaff about a month prior.
31. Everything Has Its Place
I tried to put the cat into the tool drawer and then almost put the poor thing into the fridge 30 seconds later.
32. It’s a Dog’s Life
I have a dog with fluffy white hair. Think poodle-ish. I was on the couch petting and talking to my dog for a good while when I see my wife come down the stairs. Trailing behind her was my dog. That's when I learned the truth. I had been petting a Costco fuzzy white blanket the whole time. I wish I could say it only happened once...
33. Brush Your Face and Shave Your Teeth
My brother used the washroom before bedtime and it was my turn to go now. I wanted to brush and we had just moved so everything was in a mess, so I couldn't find the toothpaste. I asked my brother where he kept it, and when I couldn't find it where he said it was, he came to check himself and handed me the shaving cream.
When I pointed it out, he said, "That's why it tasted odd. I just thought it was from a different brand from around here."
34. Drive-Thru Redo
My morning routine included drive-thru breakfast at McDonald’s back when they had the garbage can in the lane. Every morning I’d get my breakfast, pull up, and throw away yesterday’s old bag and random trash. One day, my superior intellect decided to just simplify the process and chuck the new breakfast in the trash. Realized it the moment after it mattered. Pulled around for try #2.
35. Forking Around
So I used to work in a thrift store, and one of my jobs was pricing donations and taking them out to the sales floor. This also involved quality controlling the donations, and I had a garbage can immediately to my left to throw out anything I didn't think was in good enough condition to sell. So one day, I'm at home, doing the dishes. I'm washing the silverware, and there's this one fork that has a spot on it that I just can't seem to get clean.
I'm scrubbing at it with the sponge for a good minute or so, the spot still won't come off. So eventually, my work brain took over and said, I guess this one's garbage, and so I just tossed it to my left, right where the garbage can usually is at work...Except I wasn't at work. The sound of the fork sliding across the tile floor instead of going into a garbage can snapped me back to reality.
So I realized "Oh yeah, I can't just throw stuff away like that at home." So I went and picked it up and kept scrubbing it until I got the spot off.
36. Something’s Not Working
I once stopped at a stop sign and waited at least a minute and a half for it to turn green.
37. Just Gonna Take That
I went to the grocery store, packed everything in my backpack at the self check-out, and went home. As soon as I got home, I remembered that I never actually paid. When I made the realization that I hadn’t paid, I went back, swiped my card at the self check-out, and ended my transaction. Nobody had even noticed it happened.
38. Habits of an Old Man
I've worked as a caregiver for adults with mental and physical disabilities for over a decade. I do basic care helping adult men do daily activities like shaving, buttoning shirts, and so on. On a date, I was a bit buzzed, and my brain went on autopilot. It was a true disaster. I started to fix my date's shirt and told him he needed to look in the mirror to see if he wanted a shave.
39. I Know What That Means
I work on a train. On the railroad, you can get verbal permission to pass a red signal or flag either from the dispatcher or the employee who’d put the red flag there. You cannot under any circumstances pass a blue light or flag because that protects employees working on/under/between rolling stock beyond the blue signal from any danger.
Driving home in the car late one night, I decided to take a shortcut through the local university. I went around a corner and saw a blue light marking a call station. My immediate conclusion was, “Shoot, can’t go that way.”
40. The Call Is Coming From Inside the House
When I was in college, my parents and my brother were gone for the weekend on a trip, and I had an exam on Monday so I went home to study. After a couple hours of studying, I was hungry and went to see if there was anything in the fridge. I found some stuff, but wasn't sure if my mom was saving it for when they got back.
So, I decided to call her to confirm if it was okay to eat. I grabbed my phone and dialled my home phone number since that's what I would normally call. I then hear my home phone ring, so I put down my cell phone to pick it up. I say hello a couple of times, and don't hear anyone, so I hang up. At that point as I walk back over to my cell phone, I realize what had just happened.
41. This Is Where We Used to Live
This is the story of how I accidentally became a criminal. I was walking home from work, got to my door, and my key wasn't working. Our locks are bad, and that just kinda...happened sometimes. There was a loose windowpane in the bottom corner of the door window that could be removed from the outside, so you could unlock the door.
So I did that, unlocked it, walked upstairs and into the living room...to see two total strangers. Turns out, I'd just broken into the apartment I'd moved out of three months prior, and the new inhabitants were more than a little concerned. I explained in a panic, and fortunately they recognized my name from mail that had been shipped there in the intervening months, and were pretty cool about it.
I apologized profusely, told them about the loose windowpane and recommended that they keep the deadbolt on since you can't reach that through the loose windowpane, then got the heck out of dodge.
42. Cookies ‘n’ Clean
I scooped myself some cookies 'n' cream ice cream out of a half-gallon container, put the ice cream scoop in the freezer, and put the half-gallon container of ice cream, still about 3/4 full, into the dishwasher. Then ran it, and went to bed. When I woke up and went to unload the dishwasher, all of the ice cream had melted and drained out of the machine.
However, all of the cookie chunks had been flung about the inside and were baked onto all the other dishes and the walls of the dishwasher. I just soaked the dishes in the sink for a couple of hours and the cookie bits came right off in the next dishwasher cycle, but it took over a week of extra heavy usage to clear up the inside of the dishwasher.
Also, you know, I didn't get to eat the rest of that ice cream.
43. The Early Bird Gets the Scorn
I woke up and saw that the clock said 6. Work started at 5. I shot out of bed, threw on clothes, and sped to work. Something seemed off, but I was late, no time for that now. I walked in, past an area that wasn't running on my shift yet and thought to myself, "Hmm, wonder when they started that."
When I made it to my line, there was the day-shift person. The person I relieved every day when I showed up. She looked at me like I had two heads. It was 6 in the morning, I didn't have to work until 5 pm. I shamefully told the shift manager what happened, clocked back out, and went back to bed. I worked in that company for four years after that, and to my last day, my manager gave me heck about it.
44. Practicing Healthy Habits
I work with preschoolers, and we sing songs to help them wash their hands. I started singing the same song when I went out with some friends to a bar and needed to go to the bathroom. The other lady in the restroom gave me the weirdest look...
45. Looks Right to Me
I was getting my car out of the parking lot and heading back home after a long day. Shortly after I started driving, I passed by a car that was identical to mine and thought, "Cool, I found my car." Nope. I was so wrong. I got out my car (which I had already found) and went to get into a stranger's car, thinking I'd discovered my own vehicle. Halfway through, I realized what I was doing and looked around hoping nobody saw.
46. Day Droning
I was sitting in math class one day, and I was just humming to myself while the teacher was explaining something on the board. She went to turn off the projector, which was beside my desk. Then, still standing next to me, she gave me this strange look and asked me, "Is something wrong?" I had been very deep in thought.
So much so, that I had lost the tune but kept humming, so I was now just humming a long, low "hmm" without any change in pitch. So, yeah, that was embarrassing.
47. Slack Jaws
Sometimes in the shower, I fill my mouth with water, and just let it pour out. One day, before work, I was brushing my teeth and standing in the bathroom fully dressed in my work clothes. But my brain thought I was in the shower, so I just let the toothpaste pour slowly out of my mouth and onto my outfit. Now my boyfriend warns me not to "drool toothpaste" all over myself.
48. Been Here, Done That
I lived in the same house for 16 years before I moved. Years later, I did a bit of summer work as a construction worker on the house where I used to live. When I came in the first day, it was like traveling back in time. I mindlessly did what I always did when I lived there. I waltzed into the kitchen during the family’s breakfast, opened the fridge, and looked for something to eat.
I came to myself and looked up. The family was staring at me with their jaws dropped. Like, the breakfast table forks were paused in mid-air at this unknown construction worker making himself right at home. I was so embarrassed. I backed out stammering the whole time and trying to have them understand, “I used to live here.” I was not allowed inside again.
49. Worn Out
I went to the doctor's office, took off my sweater for a flu shot, and realized my t-shirt was on inside out. I got home, took off my t-shirt, and realized my bra was inside out.
50. The Key to My Heart
I’m 16 years old and going on my very first date. I have a 1978 F-150 car, which is notable only because it has these little triangle windows that can pivot next to the main window and it sat on quite large (35in) tires, which made looing into the cab from the ground a bit difficult. Anyway, I'm on my way to meet my love.
I stop for gas, go inside to pay, come back out and realize...I've locked my keys in the truck. I start to panic, but I know that it’s pretty easy to jimmy the triangular window open and unlock the door with some sturdy, thin-ish object. I shove my hands in my pockets and, what luck! I feel some piece of metal in my pocket!
I yank it out and set to picking my window open. It doesn't take too long before victory and I throw open the door...only to see my keys are not in the ignition. Here's the thing I still cannot wrap my head around to this day…I picked the window open with my KEY. Now, I like to think I'm at least of average intelligence, so I choose to attribute this complete lack of brain to the power of 16-year-old lust.
51. A Mother’s Love
My girlfriend is usually the one who does the dishes, and she and I have a long-standing tradition of always touching each other’s butts. When she is doing dishes, I ALWAYS grab her butt and give her a hug from behind and grope her boob before I grab something from the fridge. It’s just a thing that started when I was grabbing something out of the fridge while she did the dishes.
She liked it, so I kept doing it, and that’s become tradition between her and I. Now I do it without even thinking when I see her doing the dishes. It was all fun and games until one awful day. It still haunts me. Well...My girlfriend and I visited my mom for a week, and my mom was doing the dishes. I wasn’t really paying attention to who was in the kitchen and I was grabbing a coke out of the fridge...
I didn’t realize it was my mom until it was too late and she looked mortified. Explaining that to my mom was... weird.
52. To-Don’t List
I live in a two-storey house, and one morning I sat at my computer in the study (upstairs) to start a day of work. I realised I had left the receiver bit of my Bluetooth mouse in my backpack, downstairs. Went downstairs, left the house, walked to the supermarket for some top-up shopping, came home, put the groceries away, went back upstairs, sat at my desk, and when I touched the mouse and the cursor didn't move, I realised I hadn't done the one thing I'd left my desk for.
53. Which Is Which
I work with both a phone and radio at work and have answered my phone with, "base, go ahead," and my radio with, "Lincoln county Transit." I have also had my radio go off and picked up my to-go cup of coffee and used it to try and respond. I use a straw with my coffee, and in my half-awake mind, I thought it was the antenna.
54. Losing the Scruff
I started to trim my beard and didn't see that the guard was off. A huge swath of beard was gone in one swipe. My two-year-old still refers to me during the beardless months as "Creepy Daddy." I am not allowed to shave it off again.
55. Excels in Observation
I have two kids and am in the habit of pointing out things I think they’ll like such as rainbows, the moon, nice dogs, and stuff like that. One day at work, I turned to a young male childless colleague and said, “Oh, look over there, a kitty cat!!” He gave me a weird look and stopped making small talk with me after that.
56. Two Strikes Against
I put my phone under the faucet to fill up my water bottle. I recognized my mistake. And then I did it again.
57. What Are You Yelling About?
I work as a housekeeper, and when we knock on doors, we yell, “Housekeeping,” and when we throw laundry down the chute, we yell, “Heads,” for those below to mind their heads. One day, I knocked on a door and loudly yelled, “Heads!” Later that day, the back of my mind remembered my mistake and made sure to “Correct it.” Unfortunately, I underestimated my own stupidity.
I over-corrected by stupidly yelling, “Housekeeping!" down the laundry chute.
58. Say Cheese
I bought a block of cheese for myself last weekend while my fiancé was away in Nashville. Put it in the fridge like a normal person. At some point I had to get something out of the "miscellaneous" drawer in the kitchen (you know, the one that holds pencils/rubber bands/menus). I didn't find what I was looking for in there, but I did find an unopened block of cheese.
No idea how I managed to put it there, nor do I remember ever taking it out of the fridge. But it had to be me, right?
59. The Girlfriend Experience
I was walking through town with my girlfriend at the time, looking at stalls and shops, and she was in my periphery, or so I thought...She had stopped to look at something else and a woman of roughly the same height and hair color was standing next to me. I checked my phone for time, gently caressed her shoulders and said, "Come on, it's time for us to head off."
And just walked away from this woman. I turned around a few meters later to see my girlfriend a luminescent shade of embarrassed and this entirely freaked out little old Asian woman.
60. Wayward Son
I used to fall asleep in class quite often, and normally my writing would trail off into something illegible and then I'd be out for the count for 10 to 15 minutes. One time, I woke up after an in-class power nap to find that my writing had trailed off and I'd written two chilling words: somehow, my paper read "my son" as clear as anything at the end of the sentence. I was 13 at the time and don't have any children.
61. I Meant to Do That
Once, I ate pizza at a friend's house and, out of habit, threw the crust on the floor for the dog. Those friends didn't have a dog.
62. Can’t Forget to Mention
"Here you go, if you need anything else, just let me know,” I said as I graciously put down the plate with food I cooked for the only person in the room. Me.
63. Dude, Where’s My Car?
I got my license at age 25 after moving from the city to a tiny town. I was so used to walking everywhere that one day I drove somewhere, forgot I’d driven, and walked back to work. I finished work and thought, “Oh, my car’s not there, must have walked in today,” so I walked home. I got home, and the car was not there.
So, I thought, “Oh, must’ve left it at mom’s,” but it wasn’t there, nor was it at the shops or the pool. I was too embarrassed to ask anyone if they had seen it and had absolutely no idea where I’d left it, so I just kept walking everywhere for three or four days. Eventually, my housemate saw it and asked if I was ever picking it up.
64. Changing Behaviors
I've been working with children for seven years. When I'm really distracted, I go into teacher mode. If I'm traveling with people, I'll count them on and off public transport, offer everyone water and snacks if I have them, and tell complete strangers to "use your walking feet/inside voice" if they're running or shouting.
65. Early to Bed, Early to Rise
I woke up three hours early for some reason and didn't check the clock but thought I was running late. Rushed through getting ready for work and hit the road. Think it's a bit darker than usual but it could just be grey clouds before the rain. Roads are bit emptier than I'm expecting, must be lucky today...Finally pull up to work and start opening up the shop before anyone else gets in.
Look over at the clock and realize I still have two hours to go before I even wake up. Almost went home but decided to stay and just take off three hours earlier than normal.
66. Smooth Criminal
I filled my car with gas and, when I got home, realized that I hadn’t paid. I went back to the station and told the clerk what I’d done. She thought she was missing a payment but the station was really busy at the time so she wasn't exactly sure. I paid for my stolen gas and went about my way. But that’s not the worst theft I’ve done. I also walked into the convenience store next to my work, grabbed a Gatorade out of the cooler, and walked out the door.
I realized what I did when I got back to work. Went back and paid for that, too. In other words, I steal things.
67. Why Did You Do That?
I was talking to my boyfriend while he was eating a sandwich. Mid-sentence, he ripped a piece off and threw it at my face. He looked stunned when I didn't open my mouth and catch it. We have a dog who begs for food at the table all the time. When we realized that my boyfriend had accidentally forgotten I was a human woman and not a dog, we both nearly peed laughing.
68. I Guess I’m Up Now
I woke up, automatically got out of bed, got dressed, brushed my teeth, packed up my backpack, headed out of my dorm, and happened to glance at the clock in the lounge. Then the other shoe dropped. It was 1:30 AM.
69. Thrown to the Wolves
My dog's favorite part of the day is dinner time. I pull out her food and get a scoop of kibble; she starts wagging and doing the tippy-taps. One day, instead of going to her bowl, I dumped the full scoop into the trash can. She just looked at me with the saddest eyes. I felt so terrible, so she got extra food and pets.
70. Power Up
At the gym, there is an arm curl machine. Typically, I do a heavy amount, but that day I was tired and pretty brain fried. As I used the machine, I didn’t realize that there was no weight on it, and I tried curling it with effort as normal. I ended up slamming myself in the head with the bar. Everybody in the building saw.
71. No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service
For this to make sense, you need to know that I always take my shirt off after my shoes when I get undressed. So, there I was at around 4:30 in the morning heading through security to fly across the country for a festival. I was nowhere close to awake and running on autopilot. I was throwing my stuff on the conveyor, taking my shoes off, and then automatically started to take my shirt off.
The very attractive TSA lady was like, "Slow down, sir, we just met." I didn't know they came with a sense of humor.
72. Uncommon Phrases
I came into work at the front of house after several extended nights of profound insomnia. I was holding up ok until a gal walked in with a dog in her arms. I always chat with people about their dogs because people love to talk about their dogs and often tip a little more when they feel like they’ve connected with you. Looking back, this was a mistake.
I didn't have two neurons to rub together to break from the script of, "Hey, what can I get you,” “Here is your total,” and, “Would you like a receipt?" I leaned over the counter, locked my sleep-starved, unfocused, googly eyes on this poor woman, and blurted out, “Your dog. Who is he?" and then expectantly stared at her.
I stared like it was a normal and not at all insane thing that I just kind of word-vomited at her. She kind of stared at me and clutched her dog a little closer, and I think I probably went a little cross-eyed and tried to salvage the conversation by talking more. I don't remember what I said, but it was not an improvement.
73. Don’t Throw the Baby Out with the Bath Water
I went to check the mail, grabbed my keys, and remembered, “Oh yeah! There’s garbage and recycling that needs to go out!” So I stopped at the mailbox, retrieved my mail, threw away the garbage, threw away the mail, and threw away my keys. A neighbor asked if I was going to need those. I kind of stopped, realized what I'd done, and mumbled, "Oh nooo."
74. Getting Ready to Go
I started unbuttoning and unzipping my pants while I walked towards the toilet just like I do at home because I'm efficient like that. There was just one problem: I was not at home. I was at work. And I was walking through the shared office.
75. Problems Saying Goodbye
This guy I had a HUGE crush on was leaving my apartment. He said something along the lines of, "All right, this was fun, I'll see you later on." I didn't feel capable of waving, so I did a weird circular motion with my arms, snapped both fingers into finger-pointers at him, and then winked. WHY?
76. Did You Want Something?
As a teenager, I worked at McDonald's. My McDonald's was open 24 hours and, during the summer, I worked the overnight shift. My sleep schedule would get all messed up. My parents woke me up for dinner one evening. I zombie walked to the table and then sat there. My dad asked me to say grace. I bowed my head and tried my best.
I said, "Thank you for choosing McDonald's, may I take your order?"
77. Control Your Volume
I guess I listen to too many podcasts because I keep trying to pause work conference calls. I’ve also caught myself trying to increase my husband’s volume by pushing buttons on my phone while we’re in a room together having a conversation.
78. Are We Leaving Yet?
I had just finished getting my hair cut when I walked out of the salon to get into my car. I got into the back seat and sat there for a full minute before realizing that I drove myself there. Oh, but it gets worse. The salon had a glass storefront, and I was parked front and center. Everyone saw me have my epiphany moment and then humiliatingly get in the front seat to drive home.
79. Official Protocol
I finally got a job as a consultant that I had been trying to get for years. It was just a position at our local grocery store, but the department was the best in town, so I was pumped. I was doing a great job and getting regulars at my tastings. One time, I hosted a tasting with a fairly expensive bottle of champagne.
I opened the bottle, and it started fizzing since it wasn't cooled enough yet, and my instant reaction was to start chugging it because that's what you do with soda. But this was not soda. It was much more expensive than soda, and I was chugging it in the middle of the sales floor while on the clock in a grocery store.
80. This Story Is Garbage
Oh man, the other day I went to get a snack at the Sonic drive-thru. I grabbed a handful of trash to throw in the drive-thru trash can, threw out my tater tots, and drove all the way home with a pile of trash in my lap before I realized what I had done.
81. It Runs in the Family
My brother ordered nachos at a Mexican restaurant, grabbed a chip, and proceeded to watch himself dip it into his tea. After about two dips, he came back into reality, shook his head and went “what?” My mother is an EMT, and after a 24-hour shift she came home and tried to unlock the front door with her car keys button and did that for about five minutes.
82. Here Come the Water Works
I had a deadline, and I was very sleep deprived. I drank a lot of coffee so I had to visit the washroom a lot. During one particular visit late at night, I went to wash my hands as usual but the tap wouldn't budge. I kept turning it, yet no water would come out. So, I did what other adults would do when that happens. I cried.
I called for someone to check it saying that I broke the tap in between gasps. My boyfriend walked to the sink and magically fixed the tap. I was turning it the wrong way.
83. It’ll Be Oh Kale
I took my newborn kid to the grocery store with my wife. I had a buggy with the baby, and she had the buggy with the groceries. I had been rocking the buggy back and forth to soothe the kid since he was getting antsy. My wife and I traded buggies, and I had the groceries. I was gently rocking a bunch of broccoli and some bread in the middle of the crowded cereal aisle.
84. Tipping the Delivery Man
I heard the doorbell ring the moment I stepped out of the shower. Without thinking, I rushed to answer the door, forgetting that I was dripping wet and completely uncovered! The poor delivery guy had absolutely no idea where to look, and it took me a long and painful moment before I realized that I must have looked like a naked lunatic.
85. Mocking Love
My ex-boyfriend and I had this thing where we'd take things out of context and make them mushy. I might say, "Tonight's sunset is really beautiful," and he'd say, "No, YOU'RE really beautiful." Once, my co-worker sampled one of our coffee creamers, made a face and said, "That's far too sweet." I automatically responded in the worst way possible.
I went, "No, YOU'RE far too sweet," imitating his voice and face while still working at my desk. When I looked up after realizing I said it aloud, his eyes were pretty wide.
86. Yes, Mom
My mom HATED when I slept in the living room. If she found me sleeping there, she would always wake me up and tell me to go to my room. Well one morning, she thanked me for being so nice and agreeable. I asked what she was talking about. She said when she got home, I was sleeping on the sofa, and she told me to get up.
She told me that I got up right away and, without argument, went upstairs. My mom said she asked if I had taken my meds, and when I said no, I walked right into the bathroom, took them, wished her good night, and went to sleep. I remembered none of it, so it seemed I not only sleepwalk but also accomplish much more when I am unconscious.
87. Monkey Say, Monkey Do
I was 14 at school, and someone in my class had Down's syndrome. He kept saying "Suck my wank," and a bunch of us couldn't help but laugh. When the time came for our teacher to do attendance, she called out my name. Instead of saying, "Here, miss," I said, "Suck my –" but managed to stop myself by slapping my hand over my mouth.
People started laughing, and our teacher couldn't quite make out what I said, thank god. One girl saved me by telling the teacher that I accidentally said, "Here, mom" instead of "Here, miss."
88. Do the Math
I was tutoring a student on geometry after I had finished cramming for a Calc test. About three-quarters of the way through the poor kid’s homework, I realized that I had not done any of the problems correctly. Rather, to the student's endless confusion, I had been integrating the circumference of the circle between the endpoints of the arc. Once I realized my mistake, I redid the work with him and reimbursed the session cost.
I've never seen someone so grateful to find out that they were doing their math right and that I was in whatever post-apocalyptic math-based dreamscape.
89. A Dog Eat Dog World
My dog eats in my room, which is across the house from the kitchen, and she gets a mix of wet and dry food that I mix up with a fork. So I get her wet food, get halfway to my room, realize I've forgotten the fork. Go back to the kitchen, get a fork, get halfway back to my room and realize I've forgotten the food.
Go back to the kitchen, set the fork down, forget entirely what I'm doing, go back to my room to a very sad and confused puppy. Pour her dry food into her bowl, go to the kitchen, leave the bowl on the counter and go turn on the TV. Walk back in 15 minutes later, see the bowl, fork, and food sitting on the counter, feel like a dunce and apologize to the puppy.
90. Safety is the First Priority
I was extremely tired and walking into an early morning class. It was a lecture hall; I got to where I normally sat and tried to put my seatbelt on. I'm so used to putting on my seatbelt that I instinctively tried doing it because I sat down.
91. Freudian Slip Up
The name of the place where I work starts with an "F," and I was chatting with one of my coworkers who was telling me how she ran 10 miles or so every morning as my phone started ringing. What I was thinking in my head was, "f—that," so when I answered the phone, I answered it, "F--- this is Travis how can I help you?"
92. Unscheduled Meals
I sleepwalk every once in a while. Recently, I got up at 2 AM and without realizing it, fed the dog. My girlfriend woke up and was like, "Why did you just feed the dog? What time is it?" Apparently, I had an iconic response. I just looked her in the eye and said in a completely deadpan voice, "Everyone loves a midnight snack, Nicole."
93. Got the Wrong Order
When I was sick and feeling a little feverish, I decided to take some Motrin to try and alleviate the symptoms. Usually, I grab the pill bottle and shake out two pills directly into my mouth, but instead, because I am an idiot, I grabbed my water bottle first and poured water all over my own face. Nailed it.
94. Showing Up in the Wrong Place
I recently moved to the apartment directly above the one where I used to live. My former roommate leaves the door unlocked. The frequency at which I just storm in and enter my empty old bedroom is staggering.
95. Still Counts!
I loaded up my toothbrush with toothpaste and proceeded to brush my hair with it instead of my teeth.
96. Are You’re Appliances Running?
Back when we had a landline, I was talking on the cordless phone, and when I hung up, I stuck it in the fridge without even blinking an eye. It was lost for hours, and nobody noticed until we got a phone call, and the fridge started ringing.
97. Did Everything Right
I was really tired but too hungry to sleep once, so I went downstairs to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as a midnight snack. Once I was done, I put the knife in the fridge and held the jar of peanut butter under the sink faucet for a good minute as I tried to process why the peanut butter wasn't coming off of my utensil.
98. Breaking Out the Brewski
When I was in school, my mom would make my bagged lunch. She would wrap soda cans with aluminum foil so they would stay cold (even though I’m pretty sure that doesn't work, she insisted on doing it). One day I unwrapped my soda and discovered that she had packed me, a sixth-grader, a can of my dad's beer. Don't think mom got enough sleep that night.
99. No Exit
I drove to the wrong town. After my (now) wife and I got engaged, we needed to drive back to her hometown that day. We got on the road and were just driving and talking and happy. Then we looked around and realized we had driven to the wrong town. We noticed because we basically drove to the ocean. Just never got off on our exit, and now we were a solid two hours from our destination.
We ended up just getting a hotel room and staying there. We also went back for a night on the way to our honeymoon when we got married. It was kind of embarrassing to call her family and say we would be a day late because we missed an exit and didn’t notice for over an hour. I still don’t think they believe that it was an accident.
100. Arrival Warning
I'm a security guard for Amazon, and I have to do bathroom checks. I caught myself yelling, "SECURITY!" right before going to the restroom at a bar on my day off. Thank God, it was empty.
101. Evening It Out
I was cleaning up my face with electric clippers. I thought, "Oh, missed a spot," and proceeded to shave off my eyebrow.
102. Wifed and Dyed
For Easter every year, my wife and I dye some Easter eggs and have some drinks. One year, I watched her take a big swig out of the cup with the orange dye. There was an egg in it and everything. She thought she was just having some of her drink. Instead, she nearly choked on a cold, hard-boiled egg. Not her best Easter, but very entertaining for me.
103. The Secret Ingredient
I was making Velveeta Shells and Cheese and had just finished boiling the macaroni shells. I had them strained out back in the pot ready to add the “cheese” packaged, which I had already cut open so I could just grab it and squeeze it right in. Turns out my brain apparently went so autopilot that I couldn't tell the difference between that and the bottle of dish soap I had near the “cheese” package.
Yep, I wound up soaping the shells up. Mind you, at the time this box of Velveeta shells was somewhat of a splurge for me when I was broke. I had a pretty unreasonably dramatic flip out on myself over it.
104. I Said What I Said
I used to work for Subway, so I was very used to "pizza sub" meaning pepperoni. One day, I went to a pizza place on my break and repeatedly told them I wanted a “pizza pizza” and got very annoyed that they kept asking what kind of pizza I wanted. I was so tired that I had to ask them what they called the "circle meat." Not my best day.
105. Coffee to Go
When I got into my car with coffee and a newspaper one morning, I carefully held the rolled-up newspaper whilst hurling the coffee onto the passenger seat.
106. Safe and Sound
I grabbed my "lunch" on my way out the door for work in the morning. I kept wondering what that beeping noise was the whole drive there. I couldn't figure it out, but I was too tired to investigate. So I arrived at work, did all my morning tasks, and started my lunch break. I finally realized the truth when I opened my "sandwich." I had not grabbed my lunch. I had taken the baby monitor.
107. Nice Catch
I went to a high school in the early 90s where it was normal to light one up in the bathrooms between classes. The way it worked was that when you walked in, you said, "It's cool," so that the other kids knew you weren't a teacher. Like most kids in my school, I became so used to it that it was second nature. I got a job in IT immediately after leaving high school, in a nice office building where I had to wear a tie.
I'll never forget walking into the bathroom and loudly saying, "It's cool," and the president of the company saying, "What's cool?" He had a confused look on his face. I just stood there like a dope for a second and then made up something about it being part of a song. I'm sure he thought I was a complete weirdo after that.
108. The Main Ingredient
I once poured the fresh coffee grounds in the basket before placing the filter. Upon realizing the mistake, I emptied, cleaned the basket, and then placed the filter in its rightful place. Then I poured the water in and hit brew. Fifteen minutes later, I had a full pot of hot water. It definitely wasn’t a good morning.
109. Bulging Distraction
Once while playing an intense board game, I was concentrating so hard that my buddy realized that he could just hand random things to me, and I'd mindlessly take them and put them in my jacket pocket or place them on the table in front of me. I only realized what he was doing when I ran out of space to put things.
110. Clopping In
I cared for a horse for several years. First thing in the morning, I would go put feed and water in the field, lead her outside, and close the fence behind her. One morning, as I was walking back to my house, I heard a weird sound behind me. It was the sound of hooves on linoleum. She looked just as surprised as I was.
I had brought the horse into my kitchen. Luckily, she never told anyone, so my secret is still safe.
111. Wake-up Call
When I was about 14, my morning alarm buzzer went off. I slapped my hand blindly into the bedside table to hit the sleep button. No matter how many times I slapped, I couldn't seem to blindly find the alarm. I lazily craned my head over and noticed that the alarm wasn't on the bedside table. I was quite curious where it could have gone.
It was still beeping after all. I kinda just dangled out of my bed as I searched the floor and under my bed. I found the power cable and tracked it back into my covers…I pulled back the covers slowly, only to reveal the weirdest possible option: I had been cuddling it in my arms. To this day, I have no idea why I would have reached out and pulled my alarm clock off my bedside table to cuddle it in my sleep.
112. I’m Thinking…
When I was 18, I was hanging out with my then-girlfriend at her place. I fell asleep for a bit, and when I woke up, she smiled at me and softly said, "You're cute when you sleep." My sleep-brain reply definitely ruined the mood. I looked her straight in the eye and said, "I'm not so cute when seven people end up dead." What was I dreaming about???
113. Birthy Notes
I used to fall asleep in class quite often, and usually, my writing would trail off to something illegible, and then I'd be out for the count for 10 minutes. One day, I woke up after an in-class power nap to find that my writing had trailed off and then I had written "my son" as clear as anything at the end of the page. I was 13 at the time and definitely didn't have any children.
114. Bad Communication Skills
I was texting my wife while cashing out at the grocery store. She had just done laundry, so I wanted to thank her. Rather than typing, I spoke aloud to the cashier saying, “Thanks, love you.”
115. Polly Want a Lolly
When I was little, I had two bird pets. One day, I was holding one with my right hand and using my left hand to walk around the house, open doors, grab stuff, just hang out. At some point later in the day, I got myself a lollipop and started licking it. Nope. Not so much. I had been holding the bird in one hand and the lolly in the other. Now, guess which I licked.
116. Start From the Top
Once, I opened a banana, discarded the white parts into the trash, picked the stringy bits off, and then noticed I was holding a peel and not a delicious banana. So, I went back to bed because I was clearly not functioning and needed to turn myself off and back on again.
117. Deleting Recent Footage
I got out of work late and drove home. I must have dozed off because the last thing I remembered was being on the freeway a few exits from home. I woke up in the garage 10 minutes later with the car turned off. I went home safely without causing any accidents. It scares me to this day, just thinking about what could have happened.
118. Bad Design
I put my infant daughter in her jammies upside down and backward. I then complained to my wife about how poorly they fit her. She just looked and laughed.
119. Slow Anna
We will say my name is "Anna." I worked in retail as a manager. I had a call on hold for me, and I hadn't had my caffeine yet. I picked up the phone and said "Thank you for An-ing, how may I hold you?" instead of "Thank you for holding, how may I help you?" Just pretended like nothing happened while (I thought) the customer was in complete silence or maybe didn't notice. I was so, so wrong. Turned out they had one of those laughs where you can't breathe right away.
120. Seen Paradise
I had a pet rat out roaming with me while I made some toast. I was cleaning up my toast snack, so I put the rat in the fridge and gently placed the butter in the cage. Then my brain record-scratched and I realized what I'd done. I thought, “Oh, shoot,” went to go and reclaim the rat, and she was all, "Go away! This food box is MINE now!" She’d already gotten into the ham.
121. Prepared for Anything
After I worked a ridiculously long and stressful shift in the emergency room, I went straight home and fell asleep. My mom woke me up for dinner and gently said, "Food's gonna get cold,” but what I had heard was "code," so I jumped up and shouted, "Where?!" Then I ran down to the dining area in a panic, only to realize I was at home.
122. Oral Test
I was at the whiteboard in the front of a classroom between classes. I was supposed to be updating it for the next class, but I was zoning out really badly, and I just stared long at the blank board. While I was out of it, my brain recognized that there was something I was holding in my hand–an open dry-erase marker.
This was when my brain decided this thing in my hand must be a lollipop. I brought the marker to my mouth and licked it. By the time I realized my mistake, I had a gross black streak along my tongue.
123. Announce Yourself!
I worked at a restaurant where we had to knock on the bar door before opening it. I probably did it about 20 times a day for six years straight. Almost every time I open a door that you just have to push open, like a bathroom door at a restaurant or something, I knock really hard like three times. I definitely get a lot of looks.
124. Bros Being Bros
I got to a party and saw people I knew, mostly female, so I went to say hi by giving them all a hug and a small peck on the cheek. I got to the one guy in the group, both of us bearded men, and proceeded to greet him by giving him a manly fist bump. Just joking, I gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. He stared at me awkwardly for the rest of the night.
125. What Time Is It?
I was the dumb kid in this case. One time I woke up late for school because my alarm didn't go off. I am incredibly blind without my contacts and just glanced at the clock and was very late. In a furious panic to try somehow make it to the bus I put my contacts in, dunked my hair in water and grabbed my backpack and jacket as I sprinted to the bus stop.
It was the time of year where it's dark outside well into the morning, so it was still pitch black. No one was at the bus stop, so I figured I missed. I still waited for quite some time in case it showed up. When I realized I was so late it wasn't coming I walked back to my house, knowing I would have to wake my mom up to take me to school.
Fortunately, when I walked through the front door, she was already up waiting for me! She greeted me with, "WHERE THE HECK HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!" I responded that I was sorry, but late for the bus and needed her to take me to school. She glared at me and told me it was something like four in the morning.
I had somehow misread my alarm clock in my state of panic and tried to explain that I really did think I was late and was really at the bus stop. She just assumed I had snuck out with friends the night before and was just coming home, something I had been doing off and on for a while at that time. So, I was grounded for sneaking out, when in reality I just woke up too early to go to school.
126. Feeling Awful
I was feeling an encroaching sickness coming upon me one time, so I decided to be proactive and make myself a couple of days' worth of the most baller chicken soup I could manage in advance, so I'd be able to eat well even when I was suffering. I chopped the carrots, I sorted the onions, and I stewed the chicken bones.
I cooked that sucker down for eight hours into the most delicious stock you could imagine. Then I poured it all through a colander into the sink.
127. Surprise Skinny Dip
When I was 10, my grandparents had a beach house in Biloxi, Mississippi. I know, why the heck there? Anyway, the condominium complex had a pool and my mother took me to the pool as the adults were going off gambling and whatnot. Mom and I arrive at the pool, and there’s a girl there, maybe 13 or 14. Me, being on the edge of full-blown adolescence, was locked on her.
So mom was talking about god knows what at the time, I’m just “uh huh, yeah mom” while watching this girl swim and loading her into my 10-year-old spank bank. I begin to take off my shirt, but I had gone full autopilot and did the absolute worst thing possible: I slid my swim trunks down as if I was about to get into a shower. Oh my god. I pull them back up because I think the girl had noticed, but mom didn’t.
I told my mother I had to take a wicked poo and went back to the condo to sweat out the embarrassment. So now I have this horrid memory to look back on every now and again, even into my late 20s. That’s nice.
128. All Good Things Come to an End
I woke up without an alarm, had breakfast, took a bath, and drove half hour to my work feeling great. I even thought to myself on the way, "Lucky me, the traffic is very nice today." Just when I arrived, the security greeted me with the worst words possible: "Good morning, sir, working even over the holiday?" I drove all the way home and had a nap.
129. Nip It In the Bud
This is funny now that I think of it, but at the time it happened it was quite embarrassing. I was put in the cheerleading class by mistake at the beginning of tenth grade. It was glorious at first, because I was the only guy in the middle of 20+ beautiful girls, all in tights, dancing around me. However, I started getting bored just sitting in a corner all class till the bell rang...
So I started playing with my left nipple for some reason without even noticing—till I saw like five of those beautiful girls looking at me and laughing. Then it hit me. I was holding my nipples with the tips of my fingers.
S1ources: , , , , , , , , 9,
.jpg){kind=link}
