Ever wonder what boot camp is really like, beyond Hollywood movies like Full Metal Jacket? Is it really all screaming drill sergeants and surprise bed inspections? Well, these recruits, new and old, took to Reddit to reveal all—and their stories are downright jaw-dropping.
1. Ghosting Him
One of the guys fell asleep during duty. He lived to regret it. One of the drill instructors ambushed him and told him that he was now a goner, so then he had to go around being a spooky ghost. Like, literally. He has to walk around with a sheet over his head booing and shaking everyone's racks.
Flickr, U.S. Army Cadet Command (Army ROTC)
2. Plot Twist
During my basic training, the last Harry Potter book was coming out and a lot of people were having their parents mail them like 50 pages at a time in their letters, which wasn’t exactly allowed.
Eventually, our instructors found out—their revenge was horrible. They brought the company into a room and gave away every major plot point in the book. Just ruined the book for like hundreds of people. It was absolutely the darkest, funniest thing I've ever heard.
3. Stay Hydrated
One day we were doing one of our required ruck marches. One thing you realize in basic is that it's literally designed for idiots to pass. So it really is as idiot-proof as possible. Well, about halfway through basic, you start focusing a lot more on the combat aspect of things. Very basic patrolling, etc.
Anyway, we go on one of these "patrolling" ruck marches. Essentially you just walk for like 12 miles in full combat gear with like 40 lbs of weight on your back. It's not bad, just boring. One girl was scared that she wasn't going to pass it. She did the stupidest thing ever.
She filled up her ruck and CamelBak water bottle with trash. She got super dehydrated obviously, since she didn't have any water, and pooped her pants before fainting. They put her in the ambulance and she threw her pants out of the back when she woke up. The ambulance stopped, put them in a bag, and threw them back in at her.
It was really funny. Our instructor liked to do "forced hydration" after that one like non-stop.
Wikimedia Commons, Israel Defense Forces
4. It’s A Party In The USA
Now, for the army at least, one of the first big tasks you get in training is being sent to a room with gas. Think of a concrete box filled with "Oh god, it's in my eyes!" You kind of just have to stay put for however long your Drill Sergeant decides. He has a stopwatch, but he just swings it at people who don't take their masks off quickly enough.
So, we march into the suck square and they close the doors. We rip our masks off and breathe in. After an existential crisis and rethinking some life decisions (about five minutes total) everyone is looking 31 flavors of messed up. This stuff burns your eyes, your nose, and especially your lungs.
Anyway, everyone's puking, or crying, and they finally opened the doors to get out, so we stumble out. One guy made an unfortunate mistake: He tried to get dramatic and crawled out, only to have to repeat it two more times, and he was given the privilege of mopping the chamber after.
To dissipate the effects, you enter a large clearing and walk in a circle for a few minutes, with your piece in one hand, your mask in the other. In the middle of this circle is a raised platform where a drill sergeant will perch, making sure we recover. However, as we burst from the chamber, I got the surprise of my life.
We heard a voice from the platform. "Hey recruits, this is your song!” He proceeded to blast Miley Cyrus' beloved "Party in the USA" over a loudspeaker, dancing the whole time, while a group of vomit-encrusted, grown men walked around him crying. It was like the strangest religious ceremony of all time.
Strangely, I somehow love that song.
Flickr, West Point - The U.S. Military Academy
5. Now I Own Your Soul
When I was on Parris Island, we were drilling on the parade deck and this one recruit kept messing up. Our drill instructor stopped us, stalked up to the recruit, and started wearing him out. Gave him the classic: screaming in both ears and just going on like a wild man.
Eventually, the recruit broke down and silent tears started streaming down his face. He wasn’t prepared for the next move. The instructor took his finger, wiped a tear from the recruit’s eye, and licked it, telling the recruit "Now I own your soul”.
Flickr, West Point - The U.S. Military Academy
6. Reader, I Ordered It
You know on TV when Shania Twain is playing for recruits and that tent is packed? Here’s a secret. Not a single one of those poor guys wants to be there. After a foot patrol, I want to shower, watch Parks and Rec, and then sleep—not listen to live country music.
Sorry, Shania, if you're reading this, I'm more of an EDM man myself. Anyway, this was also the case in Basic training. It's about week eight, and some High and Mighty ordered our drill sergeants to send us to some charity-concert-soldier-show thing. They were really Grumpy Guses about it, but we had to go.
To spite us, they made us march there, despite the buses standing by to get us there. We get to the venue, and our Sergeant briefs us. "Alright, kids, guess what? You get to have fun. You can go buy all the funnel cakes and Redbull and pizza you want. I can't stop you. Just remember, in three hours, your butt is right back in the bay. Plan accordingly”.
Granted, he’s saying we can have these things with his words, but his tone is making it clear, if we do eat all that junk we are in big trouble. So, we get released to essentially a carnival. Mind you, I haven't had anything that tastes like palatable food in two months. The bigger issue is that I haven't seen a girl in eight weeks.
I'm 18. If there's one thing you need to know about me, is that I love ice cream. I also love girls. So, as soon as I walk in, what do I see? An almighty ice cream stand with a straight 10/10 fox working it. I'm pretty sure I qualified for the Olympics, I sped walked so fast.
I pull up, and she asks me what I'd like. This is a foreign concept, choosing one's food. I scan the menu until I see it. Cheesecake. Swirl. Ice cream. Oh, my Buddha, this is the best day of my pathetic life. I order it, and proceed to stare directly at her until she hands it to me.
I pay, linger a bit too long, and then head off to join a circle of my other buddies, ice cream in hand. But wait...to my terror...no one else had bought contraband. Oh, God, please no, please God. I scan the venue, and everyone looks at me, and I curse silently to myself.
In the distance is my drill sergeant, also talking in a circle of other drill sergeants. If I had to fight a bear or this man, I'd choose a bear. So, of course, he notices me. He excuses himself from his group and lumbers over. Now, there's about 30 yards in between us—could I have finished that cone in time? Yes I could.
But I chose my icy treat over the witty insults and push-ups I was about to receive. He gets to the group, and we spread out and snap to parade rest. The only problem is, I have my ice cream still. I snap to this position, and for all the world, it looks like I just presented this man with my ice cream.
He looks at it, looks at me and says, "Oh, for me? Why thank you young warrior”. He bends down—while making eye contact—and takes a lick. "Mmm, that's delicious. Now what exactly are you holding there?" Contraband, the answer was contraband.
"Cheesecake swirl ice cream drill sergeant!" "Oh, well, you enjoy yourself. I'll catch you boys later”. I still can’t believe I got away with it. But of course, I didn’t get away with it. So about three hours later, we are getting smoked on physical drills, and we’re about an hour into it.
Everyone's thrown up their various treats, and we're near absolute muscle fatigue. To my horror though, my drill sergeant saunters over to me. "Oh, you thought I forgot about you huh? Did I forget?” "No, drill sergeant”. "That's right. Alright everyone, when I say 'up' you will yell 'cheesecake'. When I say 'down' you will yell 'swirl'. You tracking?"
We do push-ups in cadence. This was our new cadence. We did this for ten minutes. "Now," my drill sergeant turned to me, "Was it worth it”? Yes, my dear readers. It was worth it.
Flickr, West Point - The U.S. Military Academy
7. Smells Like Troop Spirit
Back in the mid-1980s, I was attending Basic Camp. I had CQ duty, which meant I was on my hands and knees at 2 am rubbing wax into the floor of the company headquarters. The duty Drill Sergeant stepped out to check on the people on guard duty, and about five minutes later he came back into the orderly room laughing his butt off.
He ordered me to come with him. I followed him to one of the barracks where there was a young cadet standing on the sidewalk trying not to cry. The Sergeant, still laughing, said, "Hey Cadet, tell him what you did!"
Trying to maintain his composure, my young comrade started to tell me how he tried to pet a cat—but I already knew from the smell emanating from him that this kid from the Bronx did nothing but try to pet a skunk. Operative word being “try”.
8. Mission Accomplished?
There was a recruit who I'll call Private P. On the first day of basic training, our company was briefed by the battalion commander and sergeant major. Private P stood up and announced that he wanted to quit. What followed was an absolute circus.
They wouldn't let him quit, and from then on he was a target from the drill sergeants and fellow recruits. Over time, his behavior became more and more concerning.
He always just stared off into space, wouldn't talk to anybody, and if anybody made fun of him, he'd pull out his notebook (we were all required to have one) and write something in it.
One day, after we had been at the range to practice for qualification, we were inside the barracks conducting maintenance when our senior drill sergeant told us to get the heck outside ASAP. We were put in formation and ordered to strip down for a search/shakedown.
Obviously, we asked what was going on. The answer was terrifying. One of the senior drill sergeants held up a live round (live rounds are NEVER, EVER supposed to leave the range in basic training) and grabbed Private P and brought him in front of the company.
He was crying and the drill sergeants started screaming at him. We still didn't know exactly what had happened, and then more people came and took him away. Turns out, he had taken six live rounds and had written in his notebook his plan to off three platoon drill sergeants, our company commander, and first sergeant, and himself.
We speculated he was never going to go through with it and just wanted to get kicked out, but you never know. That was the last we saw or heard of him.
9. How To Scare A Sergeant
I'll come out and say it, I had a complete mental breakdown in Basic. I shipped right out of high school, where I was hot stuff, and got to Basic, where I was trash. Like a white girl at a Katy Perry concert, I literally couldn't even.
This inability to cope manifested in my sleepwalking. Or, more appropriately, sleep-standing-at-parade-rest. This is the modified position of attention you assume when addressing a higher-up. I'd always wake up exhausted, and I chalked it up to, y'know, push-ups and things.
It wasn't until a few weeks in that my bunk mate told me that about 20 minutes after lights-out, I would stand up (still asleep) walk to my "toe the line” position, and proceed to stand there, unmoving, for a couple of hours at a time. "Toe'ing The Line" is what you do every morning upon waking up.
There's a painted line that you stand at attention/parade rest at, usually in preparation to get told to do push-ups. I still cringe when I hear the term. I'd wake up, confused, and head back to my bunk. Everyone in the platoon thought it was hilarious, and it became a game to see how long they could get me to stand there.
Anyway, one particular morning, a drill sergeant decided that 2 am was time for us to actually toe the line and get ready to do push-ups for some random offense. Or he was bored, I don’t know. So, he walks in the room—and makes a bizarre discovery.
Everyone else is asleep, and he spots me already standing at parade rest. His entrance woke me up, but I stood there, terrified and unmoving. He looked at me like he saw a ghost, stood in the doorway for a second, and just walked away.
The next day, the drill sergeant saw me in formation and told the platoon that I "definitely had people lampshades back home" and that I was required to have an additional battle buddy present when talking with him for the rest of Basic.
10. Quite The Get
Now, mail call is a beautiful thing. In all honesty, I'd never been more excited for anything in my life than that first Basic Training letter, and I don't think I ever will be again. If you want to see a 30-something father nearly poop himself with glee, have his daughter send him a drawing two weeks in. A beautiful, beautiful thing.
Why is mail call so important? Well, there's absolutely no connection to the outside world. If we were invaded by flying spaghetti monsters, we wouldn't know until we smelled the meatballs, y'dig? Also, this is your only means of communication with the family. We received one 30-second phone call upon arrival, and a one-minute phone call about a month in.
Anyways, our mail got delayed until about week three, so we got it in droves. Honestly, it felt like Christmas. You've got adults anxiously bouncing up and down like kids checking to see they made Varsity. Since I was semi-cool in high school (don't worry, I peaked), I received seven letters from seven different lady friends (I have kept every letter, to this day).
Six of these were your typical white envelopes, with the coveted writing of a college girl. The seventh, however, was one of those large, brown envelopes—also with girl writing. Now, with any letter larger than the typical size, the drill sergeant had to open it to make sure there wasn't anything fun in there.
In this particular instance, the only drill sergeant on duty was our senior drill sergeant. He was mid-30s, tabbed out, and he made Mount Rushmore look expressive. So, he grabs my letter, and rips it open. What he “finds” is hilarious. He pulls out a long letter, written in an obviously feminine way.
There's also some pictures of friends, a few funny comic strips (that were confiscated), and last but not least, “a glamour headshot of the stunning Miss Natalie Portman”. My buddy, also a wisecracker like me, attended the same university as the girl who sent me the letter, and he decided to slip in a professional-grade picture of my celebrity crush.
Well, this sergeant has spent entirely too long in the sandbox doing secret squirrel things, and he's not familiar with Miss Portman's work. He pulls out this picture, looks at her, looks at me, and says, "Private, is this your girlfriend?" I stand motionless, terrified as usual. A pause.
The sergeant nods his head approvingly and says, “Heck yeah kid!" and he proceeds to give me the manliest fist bump I received in my life. It was glorious. I happily posted that picture in my wall locker.
11. A Classic For A Reason
A bunch of us were caught taking little peanut butter cups from the mess hall and keeping them in our racks for late-night snacking. When our Drill Sergeant found out, he decided to make us stay in a push-up position while he yelled "PEANUTTTTTT, PEANUT BUTTER" and we would have to yell "AND JELLY!"...to which he would respond "WHO TOOK THE JELLY”.
12. The Pine Cone Incident
Ah, yes, "The Pine Cone Incident”. So, I was at Basic in Fort Benning, and we were zero'ing our weapons a company. That’s when you ensure it shoots where you want it to aiming at a paper target repeatedly. Sounds easy enough.
Now, I am a terrible shot. I know this. Everyone knows this. However, I get even worse when I'm being screamed at. I spent hours on the line until, finally, there were only four of us cats who hadn't gotten a "go" in the whole company. We had three more hours of range time, and if we failed to zero, we'd be "recycled”.
"Recycled" entails having to revert to another company earlier along in Basic Training. So, not only do you lose your buddies, but you catch a couple extra weeks of training with a unit that knows you're an idiot of some sort.
After another unsuccessful grouping, my drill sergeant, without a word, picked me up from the prone position and stood me up. He looked at me and said, "Go find me a pine cone”. Confused, I took four steps, scooped up a pine cone, and took it back to him. It did not go the way I expected.
I presented him my findings, and he responded "Private, that's not my pine cone, go find me my pine cone!" Keep in mind, this is a forest in Georgia, there's a metric ton of pine cones. So I jog off and work on my "mission”. Every pine cone I bring to him is not his pine cone.
The entire time, he’s using my rounds up, having the time of my life. This continued for about 15 minutes while the rest of the company, sitting in a clearing cheered me on. Finally, I breathlessly run up and hand him another pine cone, about to jog off to grab another. He looks at me, then the pine cone, then me.
..."STEVE!" he yells "You found Steve, private!" I kid you not, I had never been more relieved in my entire life, until his face scrunched into a grimace. "Wait, private, where's his family? ...WHO THE HECK TAKES A PINE CONE AWAY FROM HIS FAMILY!?"
So, terrified, I spend around half an hour scavenging for appropriate-sized pine cones while he fires maniacally. Eventually, I hunt down his "wife" and his two "kids”. At one point I brought "Steve's estranged son, Dennis," and I needed to do push-ups for causing Steve "emotional duress”. But it turns out this was all part of his plan.
He lets me fire (after I prop up the family to "cheer me on"), I go prone, and I zero on the first iteration. He picks me up again, cracks the only smile I ever saw from him, and says, "It was all in your head, you fool. Good job. Now go do push-ups till I'm tired”.
He also had me write my congressman later that day to apologize for wasting taxpayer money on bullets. Fort Benning, never again.
13. Fair Is Where You Take Your Prized Pig
In the barracks where I did my Basic Training, we had "cubicles" where our bunks were separated by a half wall. My bed and the bed of the troop next to me were both against that half wall. Part of our layout for inspection was a specific set of gear on the bed.
One morning inspection, our platoon Sergeant decided that the bed layout of the troop next to me was utter trash, so he flipped the mattress so hard it landed on my bunk, covering my layout. After the Sergeant finished reaming out the troop next to me, he takes one look at my bunk and starts reaming ME out because apparently, I think I'm special and deserve two mattresses.
Flickr, Official U.S. Navy Page
14. Snug As A Bug
We had a guy who didn't want to wake up one morning, so the Drill Sergeant flipped him and his mattress on the floor. Plot twist, though. As a prank, one of the other guys had previously sewn this guy’s blanket to his mattress. Dude couldn't get out if he wanted to. The Drill Sergeant had to cut him out.
15. Bunk Buddies
I had a bottom bunk in training, and the guy on the top bunk was a guy who barely spoke English. One day we were marching around and he was too afraid to speak up and let the Company Commander know he had to poop. So instead, he pooped his dungaree pants and left a trail that those marching behind him walked through.
When the Commander realized what was up, he halted the formation, grabbed the guy, and ran into the nearest building. When they reappeared, Poopy Pants had removed his t-shirt and fashioned it into a diaper to make it back to our barracks building.
Somehow, I had the worst luck with bunk mates. One night, the guy in the top bunk next to mine had a nightmare and in his sleep, he jumped out of his rack. He crashed into my bunk, spraining his arm, ankle, and putting a gash into his head. He had no idea what was going on.
16. They Just Keep Coming
This happened in Advanced Individual Training (AIT), which is where you learn your specific job, not Basic Training. I was at AIT for an exorbitant amount of time. The thing with training companies is that there's an influx of new kids as soon as the old guard graduates. Of course, as soon as I get to the party, it's decided to funnel all the newbies to other companies.
This means that there becomes slowly less and less men. This sucks. Why? Well, reader, there's a thing in the army called "fire guard”. This is usually a two, four, or six-hour shift of you wrestling errant flames. (Not really, you sit at a desk, and try not to sleep). The problem is this duty is bequeathed in an alphabetical roster.
By the end, we went from 300 to 50 people, split between the day, night, and swing shift. This meant guard duty every night, and cleaning the barracks was a job and a half. Luckily, two days before my class shipped, we got fresh meat. You forget how lost in the sauce you are getting to AIT fresh out of Basic. So, like the good people we were, we screwed with them.
Another fact in training is called the "bed check”. This entails grown men waiting outside their doors at 9 pm in order to ask permission to go to bed. If the duty sergeant starts at the other end of the building, you're simply screwed. However, the new bloods don't know this. They just see "Bed check 9 pm”.
At five minutes to 8 pm, all of us older cats start freaking out around the privates. "Guys! What the heck are you doing?! It's almost bed check! You better get down there ASAP!"
They freak out and start hauling for the duty desk, until we stop them and sweeten the deal. "No, no, you have to get your mattress cleared your first night in the barracks. Hurry!" So these poor kids all grab their mattresses and thud thud thud down a few flights of stairs and run to the sergeant.
This is all we hear: "What the—what is this? Who the heck are you?! Wait, there's more?! Goddarnit!"
17. It All Falls Down
This was on Parris Island. Port side got to shower first, Starboard side next. So the floor is already wet from Port side by the time we get in. We’re girls in one-size-fits-all shower shoes trying to hurry up, because we have fewer than 60 seconds left to shower. Suddenly girls start slipping on the wet floor.
Once the first girl went down, we all went down, piling up on each other. Picture wet panic with our Drill Instructor’s yelling as the background music.
18. Not All Heroes See Subs
My dad was at boot camp at a Navy Base in Florida in the 80s. Being the smart Alec he was at the time, he mouthed off to a drill sergeant. He was in no way prepared for the response. As punishment, they told him to stand out on asphalt in the middle of Florida's heat and humidity and watch for enemy submarines.
He was a few miles from the ocean, so of course, there was no water in sight, they just had him staring out at buildings. He was told not to move from that spot unless he spotted a submarine. After a while, he did what any smart Alec would do: He went and reported that he spotted an enemy sub.
They were dumbfounded, but it actually worked and he got out of his punishment. Word spread fast and the next day another drill sergeant approached him and said, "ARE YOU (MY FATHER'S LAST NAME)?" He replied with a "Sir, yes, sir" and the drill sergeant said, "I HEAR YOU'RE A GODDARN HERO”.
And from then on he was known as the "hero" that saved them all from an enemy sub.
19. Not So Easy
To understand this prank, you have to know that every time a Drill Sergeant enters a room, someone must yell, "at ease!" to alert everyone to jump to their feet. This is helpful to warn your buddies sleeping in their bunks. After all, this is a big no-no, since you sleep only during personal time and personal time doesn't exist in Basic.
Well, this poor soul was resting his sweet eyes when we had the brilliant idea of tying his boot laces around the bunk. With the entire platoon gathered around, he awoke to a thundering, "AT EASE!". His upper body rocketed from the bed with a thrust rivaling that of Apollo 12, while his feet remained firmly anchored to the bedpost.
Funny how we create humor in the most miserable of places.
20. What A Turkey
It was Thanksgiving in the first few days. My instructor told us before we went into the dining facility how to act. As in eyes forward, say what you want, so on so forth. We were also warned that no matter what happens, we are to be "stone-faced” through anything.
Well, as I am going through the line, the trainee in front of me looked up at the turkey on display. This small action caught the eye of an instructor, who promptly threw a table and ran up to the trainee screaming at the top of his lungs, "Hey Trainee!"
Everyone froze all I could think in my head was "Stone-faced...Stone-faced…" over and over again to keep my face straight. Then one of the most ridiculously hilarious things I had ever seen happened.
The instructor picked up the turkey by the legs and yelled out, "DO YOU LIKE TURKEY?! GOBBLE GOBBLE!" As he was saying it, he shook the turkey by the legs as trainees all around started laughing. "OH YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?! YOU THINK I'M FUNNY?! WELL, HIT THE DIRT! ALL OF YOU!"
I had to do push ups because some random kid I never met before decided to look at a turkey on Thanksgiving.
21. As Good A Reason As Any
Quite possibly the funniest thing I saw was one of the days we were in the classroom. Some higher-up officer who was in charge of some of the training during basic came in and wanted to "get to know" some of the people. He asked why a few of them decided to join up. This one guy’s hand flew up.
Now, this guy was a true idiot and everyone knew it. I actually saw one of our instructors’ faces immediately fill with regret, but it was far too late. The officer called on him and he said that the reason he joined was because his "Level 80 paladin got banned on World of Warcraft and he tried to bite a kid at school over it".
He said that afterward his guidance counselor basically told him his only hope was to join up. The officer didn’t reply at all, he just instantly picked someone else. Of course, I'm in tears by this point.
22. You Spin Me Right Round
I was at Marine corps boot camp. First day out on the range. The supervision out there is a little more lax, so the drill instructors can get away with a lot more. For whatever reason, my sergeant stopped me in front of where there was a washer and dryer. He yells at me "Hey, ever want to be an astronaut?!!"
Being the good recruit I am, I yell "Yes sir!" He responds, "Good, get in your space capsule". He immediately orders me into the dryer (I only get in halfway) and turns it on for one revolution, allowing me to flip all the way around before stopping it and probably walking away to hide his laughter. Good times.
Flickr, Morning Calm Weekly Newspaper Installation Management Command, U.S. Army
23. A Wet Noodle of An Idea
A typical basic training company will have four platoons, divided up by last name. It just so happened that we had some straight blue falcons—AKA jerks—strewn about the four platoons. Then, by some divine inspiration, these guys were removed from their platoons and had to form their own. With the five of them.
Their guide-on, or flag representing the platoon, (this was taken entirely too seriously in training)...was a mop. Like, an actual physical mop. And not just any mop, but a soaking wet mop that had to be continually doused in the bucket another member of 5th platoon carried. This way, it'd drip constantly on whoever had to carry it.
24. Sergeant Squirrel
So I'm walking back from a medical appointment I had when a squirrel crosses my path. As a joke, I render a snappy salute and bark out a "Good morning, sir!" But my timing couldn’t have been worse. I do this just as an officer is walking across the street from me.
He ran across the street to investigate just who the heck I was saluting. I responded, The squirrel, sir! He said, What the heck?? You saluted a squirrel??? Yes, sir!
25. The Boy Can’t Help It
A cousin of mine was going through training for the Royal Australian Navy. They have “leader” cadets amongst their ranks, whom you must refer to as “leader” and not “sir”. One of these leaders was prowling about and asked my cousin if he was all sorted out.
"Yes, sir," my cousin said, on reflex.
"What the heck did you say, cadet? Twenty push-ups, right now”.
My cousin, you should know, is a massive pot-stirrer. So he couldn't help himself now.
"Yes, sir," he says, getting down to do the push-ups.
"FIFTY PUSHUPS" the leader barks.
The way he told me the story, the timing was just perfect.
"............ yes, siiiiiiiir”.
So he had to do a hundred push-ups. His arms gave out around seventy apparently. Later on, they were doing open-water survival training, floating about in a blow-up raft in the middle of the ocean. The leaders, who were submerged below the raft in SCUBA gear, would occasionally leap up and drag a cadet into the water to simulate being knocked overboard by a wave.
Sure enough, the leader my cousin had crossed was under the boat. He burst out like a shark, seized my cousin by his collar, and dragged him into the freezing water. Holding him down for longer than was probably necessary, the leader eventually released him.
As my cousin was climbing back into the raft, shuddering from the cold, the leader asks him, "Still think you're funny, cadet?" Once more, he had the perfect response. As you can guess, the reply was "Yes, sir”. He got grabbed and pseudo-drowned again immediately. I guess he's a glutton for punishment.
He passed training, by the way.
Flickr, NATO North Atlantic Treaty Organization
26. Read The Room, Buddy
One of my best friends is in the Army. He told me a story of one time when they were out in the field, his drill sergeant asked if everybody had everything they needed. He replied with, "I'm missing my king-size mattress and TV”. He told us that he had to do push-ups until his arms fell off because of that reply.
27. How Did I Do?
The first couple weeks of bootcamp are full of medical and dental exams, and if you need a procedure, you get it done right there. Tons of guys had their wisdom teeth pulled, and we had one guy come back right before lights out with his mouth full of gauze and loopy.
Our Drill Instructor called us all to the center of the room, formed us up, and then told us to sit on the floor. The words out of his mouth almost made me burst out laughing. He said that Recruit Toothy was going to tell us a bedtime story.
He pulled up a chair for Toothy and then told him to tell us the story of the battle of the Monitor and Merrimack, a civil war battle. Toothy mumbled that he didn't know the story, so the DI told him to just make it up, and for every fact that he got right, we'd get to sleep an extra five minutes in the morning.
What followed was bizarre and hilarious. As best as Toothy could recall, the Monitor was British, the Merrimack was "Old Ironsides" and in the end, "they shot the heck out of each other, and everybody was a goner. The end”.
We were all crying laughing, but the DI sat there stone-faced. After Toothy was done, DI just stood up and said "That is exactly how it happened. Well done," got up, turned off the lights, and walked out.
28. Not As Good As You Think You Are
I’m Australian. One time, this guy decided that he would test out his newly "stealth skills" by leopard crawling up to a kangaroo. It was a massive eastern grey male, who was ripped as all heck. He was from the city and had never really seen kangaroos outside of zoos. He learned fast, the section commander was in stitches while we pulled the Roo off him.
29. May The Force Be With You
My brother was in Basic. He was in the chow hall and witnessed a higher-up call out someone who had placed their flashlight in their belt. I guess you're not supposed to do that. So the officer lights the guy up: "Is that where you keep your flashlight?! Is it a lightsaber, Luke"!?
He made him stand at the end of two cafeteria lines, holding his flashlight like a lightsaber and striking the airmen that were leaving the two lines. At one point, there was a lull in traffic, and the officer screams, "OH, SO LIGHTSABERS DON’T MAKE NOISE WHEN THEYRE MOTIONLESS"?
So old buddy has to make the "bzzzzzhmmmm" noise as he waits for his next victim.
Flickr, U.S. Indo-Pacific Command
30. A Job Well Done
Probably the only fun night I had in basic was about in our third week. We were out in the field doing training and staying out in the woods for a week. One of our drill sergeants came up to us and told us he wanted us to take the other company's guide on, which is a flag the company uses to identify themselves in front of formations.
He equipped us with duct tape and rope and told us to give them heck. Once it became nightfall, and people had gone to their tents to sleep, we made our move. We snuck through the tree line and found their nightguards.
We tackled them both to the ground and duct taped their mouths shut, then moved to a tree and tied them up. The search for the guide on began. We went through a bunch of tents, tying up and sacking people until we finally found it. Once we got it, we ran back to our area and handed it to our drill sergeant.
As a reward, the following Sunday when we got back, he let us sleep in for two hours, which is a huge thing when you’re always sleep deprived.
Flickr, Wyoming National Guard
31. A Little Too Familiar
I had the pleasure of witnessing this one myself. At the end of the chow line, there’s a table called the Snake Pit. The officers randomly pull out trainees, sit them down there, and question them on stuff we're supposed to know. One day, they pull out one poor sap from our brother flight. It went roughly as follows:
Sergeant: "Trainee! What is the insignia of the full Colonel?"
Trainee: "The insignia of the Colonel is the bird sir”.
Sergeant: "What type of bird exactly?!"
Trainee: "Permission to adjust sir?"
Sergeant: "... Adjust ...”
Trainee then proceeds to SET HIS TRAY ON THEIR TABLE, put his hands up in the "Egyptian" pose but with both hands outward. He turns his head to the side and says "Like this sir”. The onlooking sergeants nearly choked on their food while the questioning sergeant stared at him dumbfoundedly for a few moments before yelling at him to "Get your stuff off the table and get out of my sight”.
32. One Ring To Rule Them All
During one of the hikes at basic, we had this recruit who our Drill Instructors called “Frodo” because of his height. He wasn't the strongest hiker, but he always gave it 100%. Well, one day we're going up one of the steepest hills and Frodo starts struggling.
Out of nowhere, a Drill Instructor yells, "OOOKAY FRODO, YOU CAN HIKE ALL THE WAY TO MORDOR BUT YOU CAN'T HIKE UP THIS TINY HILL?” Everyone pretty much lost their bearing and laughed their butts off.
33. Lost In Translation
A woman in my company was from Africa. She had a graduate degree in some science, so she was very smart, but some things were lost on her, especially figures of speech.
When we were on the firing range, we were told to keep the gun “up and down range," meaning no matter what way you were facing, the end of it was in the air and pointed down range.
She didn't get that and swung it all over the place. Everyone hit the ground. One of the drill sergeants yelled and asked her if her brain took a dump in her head. She didn't understand that either.
34. With A Dollar Sign
We had a kid named Mason from god-knows-where in our division. If you've never heard of "swarming," it's when all three commanders surround someone and start screaming at them to stress them out and/or elicit a reaction. So it was for Mason.
This guy was 5'2", 110 lbs, quiet, and motivated. He never so much as flinched. If someone fell out of step while marching, Mason got put on the line for it. If someone misfolded a towel, Mason paid for it. If someone didn't dot a lowercase j, Mason took the hit. If someone talked during chow, Mason knew what was coming and he was prepared for it.
Every night when we hit our racks, he was doing MORE push-ups, MORE sit-ups, and MORE studying while everyone else was passing out or writing letters to their wives or girlfriends. Bootcamp is eight weeks long, but in week seven, pretty much everything has been trained and you're waiting for your final evaluation.
There's still a lot to do, but it's almost entirely review. Commanders wear a red rope on their left arm, and when they're in training they wear a blue one. On this particular day, we were in for a treat. A blue-rope came in with one of our trained Commanders and took a seat at the table in the middle of the room while we practiced folding underwear.
"MASON!!! GET YOUR SCRAWNY BEHIND OVER HERE!!! Watch this”.
"MOVING, PETTY OFFICER!!!" He screamed and sprinted to the middle of the room, snapping to attention upon arrival.
"Mason. Spell your name, recruit”.
"Petty Officer, This recruit spells his name M-A-Dollar$ign-O-N. Petty Officer”.
Everyone lost their minds.
It was perfect and morale was never, ever that high again.
35. What’s In A Name?
We had a kid in my bootcamp platoon named Jackson. The Senior Drill Instructor happened to be Sergeant Jackson. Poor recruit Jackson was known as "Recruit laundry number 38" for the whole time because he didn't rate the name Jackson.
36. There’s No Place Like Home
My mom was at boot camp, and during one of her first exercise routines where the drill sergeant was yelling at her, she started crying and said, "I want to go home”. She lived to regret it. Overhearing her, the drill instructor ran up to her and said "What did you say?"
She said, "I want to go home". He looked at her and said, "Spin three times and click your heels”. After she finished, he said, "You're mine for the next eight weeks Dorothy. Now give me 20!"
37. Word Jumble
I was told to, "go get your handy dandy hoo ya and put it in your giddyup". I instantly rocketed back to my rack and sincerely, for about five seconds, was panicked looking for my hoo ya. I even said it to myself as I was doing it. I then realized I had no hoo ya to find.
I felt like an idiot…but still was searching for my giddy up until my brain slapped itself inside my skull and forced me to realize that was not a thing either. Self-loathing I’ll never forget, all in the span of about eight seconds.
38. A Basic Love Story
I went to basic training in 2000. I met a girl who was supposed to do basic in another post but they were over-booked so she came to us and happened to be put in my platoon. We became pretty close. After basic, we parted ways but kept in touch through the years via letters and email.
We lost touch after a while but found each other on MySpace (back when that was a thing). She had gotten married, I was in and out of relationships so we lost touch again. After she and her husband split, she found me on Facebook. We had kept in touch over the past few years and after a while, she convinced me to move halfway across the country and give us a shot.
Almost a year later, I'm still very much in love with her and am looking forward to many more years with her.
39. A Case Of Mistaken Identity
We were out on a field expedition and had practiced field craft and navigation all day. We finally got to crawl into our tents to get some sleep. But then, before the crack of dawn, we got the pleasure of doing another drill. We packed our stuff up and ran to our form-up point.
Well, one guy on course decided his MP3 player was more important than his equipment, and he left it behind. He asked if he could go back and get it and ran off into the woods. This led to a hilarious exchange. It was a cool morning so we all had our jackets on and our hoods up, so it was hard to tell who was who.
As it happened our, course officer was in the front rank just a bit in front of us and was around the same build and height of the guy who forgot his equipment. One less senior member came up to him and got right in his face. This is how the conversation went:
Less Senior Officer: Don't you ever forget your equipment AGAIN!
Course Officer: Um...it's me
Less Senior Officer: Oh...sorry sir. But whoever that was you heard me too!
40. Work Smart, Not Hard
I was in Air Force basic training back when it was only seven weeks. I got recycled a few times, so I went to a thing called Warrior Week twice. Having been recycled, I already had my Airman's coin—which was pretty much the only thing you get doing it.
I'd been through all this, so I was supposed to report to the detail tent to work detail instead. I spent that week napping in their tent and going back for chow half a dozen times a day. Never did report for detail.
Flickr, U.S. Army Cadet Command (Army ROTC)
41. Not Getting Away With It
We formed up after dinner chow one evening, and the dining facility was very close to the edge of base. We could see the gate and highway. We were somewhere in Week 3 of training when we were formed up, looking at the ever-so-close freedom. Then it happened.
Out of nowhere we hear, "DONNELLY! NO! DONNELLY GET BACK HERE!" We all turn around (yes, we turned at the position of attention, gasp) and we see a soldier running straight toward our formation, with a Drill Sergeant and three others chasing him.
He ran past us, onto the road, and up a hill away from the dining facility, with the Drill Sergeant chasing him and yelling the whole time and more joining in. We were all baffled.
We were marching past five minutes later and saw the Drill Sergeant escorting “Donnelly” back to his formation, with him covered in scratches from being tackled, presumably.
42. It’s In The Bag
If you've never been to basic training, just think of the most insane and bonkers situations possible. That pretty much sums it up. You will meet, be expected to get along with, and work with some of the dumbest people imaginable. A lot of these idiots are 18 and have never experienced life on their own.
Years later, you will look back on it and realize that you made some really stupid decisions yourself. I never thought all that junk they gave us would fit in the one bag they gave us. I mean, it's a lot of junk, and the bag isn't all that big.
One of my first lessons off the bus from reception is yes, all that stuff will fit in the bag if you are determined enough. Guess what? Stuffing all that junk in the bag suddenly gets way easier when the person next to you helps you, then you help that person. Teamwork!
43. A Gold Digger
There was a guy who was genuinely worthless at basic training and for the life of me, I can't remember his name—but for the story, we'll call him Trainee Allen. I recall at one point we were standing in formation doing a practice drill with marching and Trainee Allen couldn't stand still.
After a barrage of training instructors started screaming at him, they told everybody to stay still for as long as they could. Sure enough, Trainee Allen went to pick his nose and the instructors went ballistic.
Eventually, they had him stand in front of the entire flight with his finger up his nose and had him say "Yarr, digging for gold" like a pirate. Then it became a game of waiting for anybody to smile or laugh from this, so one instructor stood by Trainee Allen, yelling at him to "Say it again”. “Yarr, digging for gold".
The other instructor would stalk around looking for anybody who was smiling. Man, it was hard to hold it together. Eventually, some poor soul cracked and got annihilated with push-ups for laughing. I'll just never forget that poor guy in front of 200 people with his finger up his nose. “Yarr, digging for gold".
44. Too Clever For His Own Good
This was in the Navy in 2003. We were out on this asphalt area where you can't speak unless spoken to. The commander, feeling playful, goes, “Hey, how do you create ugly babies?” Me, both thinking and not thinking at the same time, said, "I don't know, why don't we ask your mother?"
He turned beet red and everyone in my division let out a gasp. There was some yelling after that, but later that day he called me into his office and told me no hard feelings. So in the end, not bad.
45. Ruining It For Everyone
About a month into training, a mentally unstable private decides to set fire to the barracks (they're made of concrete, so I’m not sure what he was thinking). Even worse, he decided to do this at night when everyone does their laundry. So our drill sergeants decide that the best way to punish him is to force everyone outside to sleep.
It’s February in Georgia and it just started snowing. They woke us all up a few hours later to go back inside. We weren't happy to be woken up.
46. Water Is Wet, This Guy Is Stupid
A friend of mine is in the Marines. During boot camp, his group was out doing something and one guy poured out his water…because it was warm. It gets better: The drill sergeant then told him to pick it up.
47. All You Need Is Love
At basic one night, two guys were caught fighting after lights out. Our drill sergeant runs upstairs, grabs the two guys, and drags them downstairs. The next morning, the two guys look worn and ragged but seem to be in good spirits and seem to now be good buddies. The reason stunned me.
Apparently, the drill sergeant made them hug each other, look into each other’s eyes, and say "I love you" to each other nonstop for the whole night.
48. Raining Down Punishment
This one guy I went to boot camp with, Troy, was trying so hard to impress our training instructors. He would try to bolster our organization and morale by saying things like "Come on guys," and "Let's go guys". Well, it turns out that the instructors took particular insult to the "guys" part of that.
I remember them screaming at him multiple times that "You are trainees, not guys". Troy would correct himself immediately, but sure enough, he would find himself doing it time and time again.
One day (I guess we had time to spare) the instructors had enough of the "guys" thing, so they had everybody line up at their locker and had Troy march around both bays to the cadence of "It's raining men. Hallelujah. It's raining men”. It was really monotone and really synced up with his marching...pretty impressive.
I remember the first time he made a complete circuit, you could hear a few chuckles and laughs but after about the thirtieth time, it was kind of sad. Legend has it that Troy is still singing the song somewhere.
49. The Rainman
A co-worker I had was in the Navy. Now, space is at a premium in a nuclear submarine. They slept in two- to three-high bunks that were barely wider than a park bench and folded up. Things got cramped, and with constantly recycled, oxygen-deficient air, it was not the most pleasant work environment.
To make it worse, my co-worker allegedly had an officer who went out of his way to be a jerk. As a punishment when any recruits did something he thought was wrong, this guy would tell them to "make it rain”. That meant everybody would get out of their bunks, get on the ground, and start doing push-ups. How many?
Until the moisture from their sweat and breath would condense on the steel ceiling and "rain”. Yeah, I’m glad I wasn't in the Navy.
50. Goodnight Moon
We had just got sent to bed maybe an hour ago. I was wide awake and staring at the ceiling, as it was still the first phase of boot camp and I was afraid to move from the position of attention, being green and not knowing what the heck I’m doing.
I hear the Drill Instructor hatch open and I glance over. What I see makes my heart jump. All I see is his pointy cover stick out of the door, about a foot off the ground—this guy was low crawling on the floor and coming towards my direction.
I try to avert my gaze as this large, angry, bald man is skittering across the ground, making a bee-line to my bed. I'm staring at the ceiling as I feel my rack start to cave in from his weight. He put his face right next to my ear and whispered, "Hey, there. Wake up. Shh”.
"Y-yes sir?"
“Screw you. Goodnight”.
"Aye sir. Good evening to you too sir".
He then climbed down and low-crawled back to this room and slammed the door. That guy just liked messing with people.
Sources: Reddit,
