Payback Is The Sweetest Tea
We’re all for treating everyone according to the golden rule—until they do you dirty. Then, it’s time to settle the score. Payback is the name of the game—and these stories are delightfully satisfying.
1. Feeling Hot Hot Hot
When I was 11 years old, I was bullied by a 12-year-old boy. He would take things from my lunch every day. I got sick of it—and I decided to do something about it.
One day, I brought a super-hot pepper in my lunch and pretended to be really excited about it. Sure enough, the boy comes over, snatches it from my hand, and pops it into his mouth. His reaction was priceless.
He practically exploded in pain. Writhing around the floor, unable to handle
e the heat. But I wasn’t done yet. I calmly looked at him and told him that drinking a nice glass of cold water would help immensely.
He did so. This promptly magnified the pain 100x. He never took food from me again. I regret nothing.
2. Grounds For Revenge
About 15 years ago, I used to go to a Starbucks around the corner from my then-boyfriend’s house. I always went in grudgingly because it was very busy and touristy, and there was this one particular “barista” who freaking enraged me.
He was the most self-righteous, put-out, indignant, huffy little jerk to ever stand behind a coffee machine. Boston is lousy with philosophy-spewing undergrads, and he was their self-appointed king.
So one morning, I walked into this Starbucks in a particularly bad mood. As I was waiting for my tea, the little dolt launched into some overwrought drama with one of his coworkers, so I just said, “Listen, dude, can I have my drink before this goes any further”? I regretted it instantly.
He completely lost it on me: yelling, blaming, using big words...the whole victim shebang. In the end, he 86’d me and told me that I was never to step foot inside his castle of coffee again.
Fast forward a few weeks, and I was in a different Starbucks.
I noticed that they’d begun to use stamp cards (10 stamps and the next coffee is free). I came up with a genius plan. As I was leaving, I swiped the official Starbucks stamp from the counter. I then proceeded to stamp HUNDREDS of cards that summer.
I was the summer intern for a company, and I made sure that not one person in that office ever paid for coffee while I worked there. I stamped so much that I had to purchase a green stamp pad expressly for the Starbucks stamp.
Treat me badly, and I’ll take your freaking stamp. It’s really the little victories in this life.
3. Private, Keep Out
So, I'm married to a wonderful woman. She's smart, funny, and very kind. Her mother is generally very nice and tends to have a great attitude and be very enjoyable. Sure, she’s a bit of a prude, but still generally enjoyable.
However, she can be a bit of a major snoop.
If my wife leaves her phone sitting around, she will just pick it up and start going through it. My wife has kind of laughed this off as a remnant of her mom being controlling when she was a kid.
I'm not a fan of this because my wife and I will sometimes text about things that simply don't involve her mother and I don't feel are her business at all.
So over Christmas, I saw my wife set her phone down on the kitchen counter, and I had a brilliant idea. Her mom was still in the kitchen and I sent my wife the most racy and depraved text about all the things I was going to do to her when everyone left.
Honestly, most of them are things we haven't even done, but I had to make it extra scarring. I sent this text from the bathroom. And maybe it was my imagination, but I could swear I could hear an audible gasp shortly after her phone went off.
When I went out, her mother absolutely would not look me in the eye. Then not so discreetly, she asked her daughter to come to talk to her in the other room.
When my wife came back into the living room, I thought she had been crying, however, upon closer inspection, she was laughing.
Her mother had questioned her about me “harassing” her and asked if I always talked down to her like that. My wife had told her kindly that what we do is between us and us only. Probably the best gift this Christmas.
4. While You Were Away
I was living with a friend of mine, and this girl who I didn’t know that well. We became friends and started hanging out. I ended up getting into a car accident on the freeway and had to move home.
It took me a few days to get back to pack, and when I did, most of my stuff was missing. I was furious and upset about it.
The girl told me my friend had people over who'd maybe taken things. While she was gone, I stopped packing to go into her room and snoop. I couldn't believe my eyes. This girl had taken over half of what was in my closet and hidden it in her room.
She had everything from my CDs, antique perfume bottles from my grandmother, down to socks and bras. I was livid and packed the stuff that she was trying to take from me.
With more garbage bags, I grabbed all of the clothes she had hanging up and anything else I could find. I lit it all on fire. She called me franticly and said her things were missing. So, I told her the people who'd taken my stuff must be responsible. Once she knew she'd been caught, she threatened me and told me she was going to call the authorities.
I told her to go ahead because they wouldn’t have found anything.
