Why Me: These Embarrassing Stories Made Us Want To Die A Little Inside
Let’s admit it, we’re all a little weird in some way or another. But most of us at least try to keep our weirdness from becoming public knowledge. Unfortunately, those efforts are not always successful.
Even when we think we’re alone, someone might be watching as we engage in utterly cringeworthy behavior.
1. Lickety Split
I once saw a girl holding an ice cream cone in one hand, and her phone in the other. I guess she must have been daydreaming or something, because I then saw her absent-mindedly lick the screen of her phone instead of the ice cream.
When we made eye contact and she realized that I had seen it happen, she looked like she was going to die.
2. Bathroom Break
Working in large corporate parks during the recession, there were lots of huge office spaces with barely any residency. So, it would often be like a huge complex with maybe just two or three functioning businesses inside it.
The best part about this was the fact that you could always find a restroom to take a poop in that nobody else ever used.
For example, I used to go to a restroom in a building across from mine that had zero occupancy. Every time I went over there to use it, I never ran into anybody and always had complete quiet and privacy.
Then one day, during one of my particularly long poops, the timer on the lights in the bathroom turned off due to lack of motion.
I thought no biggie, but I was so, so wrong. I got up out of the stall and attempted to move around so that the lights would come back on. For whatever reason, though, they weren't coming on. So, I ventured further out towards the sinks. I started moving my hands up and down in a “Hip Hip Hooray” type of motion while simultaneously shouting “Hayyy Hoooooo” just for the fun of it.
After a little bit of this, the lights turn on. I'm still waving around for a few seconds afterwards, thinking to myself how silly I must look with my pants and underwear down to my ankles in a public bathroom waving my hands in the air. That's when I suddenly heard the worst sound: The bathroom door closing.
Some poor, confused individual must have walked into that bathroom and seen some crazy businessman with his pants down to his ankles waving his hands in the air and yelling “Hayyyy Hooooo” and decided to just abruptly walk back out.
Can’t say I’ve ever been more embarrassed than that.
3. Coming Out of His Shell
When I was a young child, I viewed time spent in the bathroom as an opportunity to read books or just have a moment of quiet contemplation.
One time during one of these extended toilet sessions of mine, I suddenly got the bright idea to try and use the toilet paper to make a Ninja Turtles-style mask for myself. Don’t ask me why!
As soon as I had torn the eye holes in and wrapped the thing around my head, the door opened and my dad walked in.
We made awkward eye contact with each other for what felt like minutes, and then, without a word being spoken, he slowly backed out and closed the door. I still remember the whole scene clearly even though it was more than 20 years ago.
4. A Boatload of Embarrassment
I'm a canoe guide and, being the guide, I'm usually seated at the back of the canoe, steering. On this one particular day, however, because it was a training session and I was with a bunch of my coworkers, I was seated near the front.
Now, when I sit at the back. I'll generally check with my finger periodically to see if any plumber's crack is showing.
In other words, by feeling my lower back with my finger near the top of where my butt begins, I can confirm whether my pants and underwear are on correctly and readjust them if needed; all without anyone seeing, because I’m at the back of the boat. However, on this particular day, I accidentally did this in the front out of habit, giving my coworkers at the back of the boat a full showing of me sticking my hand down my pants. One of them promptly shouted out, "I think that's a back-of-boat maneuver!"
