Truly Messed-Up Paternity Stories
The words, "You are not the father" might bring tears of joy or sadness to a man's eyes—and this is why the question of paternity makes for the most entertaining stories possible.
1. A Rollercoaster of Emotion
I was in a long-distance relationship with a girl in college. After going two months without a period, she took a pregnancy test which turned up positive. After informing me, I had to keep myself from panicking. While she refused termination, she agreed to give the baby up for adoption when it was born. A week goes by and I get a devastating text from her.
It basically boiled down to, "I'm leaving you, the kid is not yours as my ex and I never used protection, and the doctor confirmed that the date of conception isn't when you and I were together.
I'm not sure why you didn't realize this already, but I'm sorry for everything". It's a weird mix of feelings to be both excited and devastated.
2. Puzzled
My husband and I were visiting our friends who’d just had a baby (we are the godparents) and we were standing in the hallway talking to both sets of grandparents.
Well, apparently the hospital has a rule that only 5 visitors may be present in the hallway, but the security guard had let all 6 of us in for some reason and we didn’t realize it.
This awful nurse comes up to us, notes that there are six of us, tells us someone will have to leave immediately, and then turns to my husband and says, “Oh, are you the daddy?” Without missing a beat, he says, “That’s what we’re all trying to figure out here". She gets a look of horror on her face and backs away.
3. So Many Reasons Why Not
About thirty years ago, I was really desperate and dated a woman who was about 12 years older. About nine months into our relationship, I went away to another state for a weekend trip. I came back to the shock of my lifetime. She had given birth to a child. I was perplexed because she didn't seem pregnant and no one around us knew she was pregnant.
She even said that she didn't know that she was pregnant. I'm black, the woman was white and the kid was also white. But I do have white people in my family.
I didn't believe the kid was mine because I would have had to impregnate her in the first month when we hadn’t had gotten physical yet and the baby looks nothing like me.
My mom somehow convinced me that this has to be my kid because the woman says it is and that I have a mixed background. I want to believe it because not believing it means some other guy is the dad.
But my rational side says there is no way she's mine. So, we move in and eventually get married. The relationship doesn't last and we separate.
I decide that I have to find out the truth, even though I know it. I get some money together and get a DNA test. Sure enough, I'm 99% excluded.
I show the results to the mother and she says I'm wrong and the test is wrong and that I just don't want to be a dad. I tell her that I do, but I'm done paying child support.
4. Those In Glass Houses
One of my favorite cousins just did 23andMe with her dad and discovered that they were not biologically related at all.
This is especially horrible because my aunt (her mother) is one of the most ridiculously zealous and judgmental people I have ever met. She screams at the baby cousins when they don't behave perfectly.
She literally threw a pocket bible at a woman in a grocery store. And she likes to send me unsolicited long letters about "God's plan" for my life. Surprisingly, her husband is the most fun and laid-back person I've ever met.
He did not deserve this, or her.
