The Dumbest Patients Imaginable
From self-inflicted injuries to dangerous prescription misuses, these true stories reveal the most facepalm-worthy patients doctors have ever encountered.
1. There Is No Plan C
I’m a pharmacist. One evening, I was working a relief shift (not at my usual pharmacy). A man comes in looking distressed. He tells me, “I had intimate relations with a woman I do not intend to pursue a long-term relationship with”.
Yes, he said it just like that.
I say, “Okay. I’m assuming there was an accident, or it was unprotected. How long ago did it happen?' He answers, “Last night, at 7 PM on the couch”. Woah, TMI. I just needed to know the approximate time so I’d know if Plan B would work.
I start to tell him, “We have this medication called Plan B, and since the incident happened within 72 hours—” but he interrupts me and I was thrown completely off guard: “Oh yes, I got that for her already yesterday, right after we finished. We want to know if there is anything we can do to know if she is pregnant now”.
I answer, “Unfortunately not. She’ll have to wait three weeks or so to see if she gets her period, and if she doesn’t, she can do a pregnancy test then.
Theoretically, you could do a blood test for faster results, but that would also not be until a couple of weeks, at least”.
He responds, “We’re just really anxious because she doesn’t want to be pregnant. Is there anything that she can take to prevent the pregnancy? Any multivitamin? Minerals? Food?" I tell him, “She’s already taken it, which was the Plan B.
There are some other options, but those are prescriptions. And no, there are no over-the-counter products she can take”.
Then he asks, “What about me? Is there anything I can take now to prevent the pregnancy? Any multivitamins or minerals?" A little bemused, I just answer, “…No sir. There isn’t anything you can take now”.
2. Get A Load Of This Guy
I’m 73, and I’m a former clinical microbiologist from LONG ago—and I have a crazy story to tell. So, one day, this 20-something guy (with his wife and mom in tow) walks in with a paper request for an analysis of his “swimmers," pre-computer era. Okay, not the most comfortable encounter, but I’m a professional, and I’d done this drill many times.
It turned out he had not been briefed by the doctor and had no idea how establishing infertility in males was done. Well, okay—this would be a challenge, then.
I took him aside and, using standard medical terminology, told him how a diagnosis is made and what he needed to do to provide a specimen.
He couldn’t believe that I was asking him to “do it” into that container. Astonished! Then he played dumb as if the concept was unfamiliar to him.
We looped through the medical terms and procedure again, and I eventually resorted to every word I knew to describe the “act”. It was like a George Carlin bit!
A half-hour later, he emerged from the toilet with two inches of urine in the cup. God almighty.
The report came back: “Patient provided improper specimen”.
3. This Is How The Elderly Get Their Wrinkles
I’m a paramedic. I had an elderly woman complain that her mouth was dry and she felt a bit dizzy climbing the stairs earlier. So I go through the whole rigamarole of getting a medical history, vitals, and more detail on her symptoms.
Then I asked her what she’s had to drink today. Her answer truly frustrated me.
A cup of tea—ten hours ago. I asked, “Any water”? She says no. Guess what fixed it within five minutes.
4. The Mother Got A Lot Of Heat For This
I was at the children’s hospital with my eldest when he was a toddler (ah, the day we found out he was allergic to penicillin) when a rushing team suddenly occupied the bed next to me with a limp, unresponsive infant.
This happened on a hot day during the mid-summer. The baby was in a full Canadian winter-level snowsuit.
After they got the baby’s temperature down, I overheard the doctor losing his mind a little bit with the mother. Her explanation was chilling. She kept insisting she had to have her baby in the suit lest the baby risk feeling chilly.
The doctor explained that the minor discomfort of having to cry for a blanket did not trump the risk of it losing its life or the possibility of literally frying the kid’s brain.
He had to get quite nasty with his wording in that she had almost unalived her baby and might have given it brain damage.
