Doomed: These Weddings Were Filled With Red Flags
Some weddings are so beautiful and meaningful that they bring a tear into even the most stoic guest's eye.
And then, there are weddings that are so disastrous, the bride and groom might as well turn around and walk straight to the nearest divorce lawyer's office after they say "I do."
1. Keep Them Guessing
I was attending a wedding and everything was going just fine. The flower girl was angelic, the bride was the image of beauty in white, etc. It looked like this marriage was getting off to a good start. Then came the wedding vows. When the time came to say “I do,” the groom said, “I guess.” Well, the marriage ended shortly thereafter.
2. He Just Ran Into My Knife
I was helping out at my parents’ restaurant. They were hosting a huge wedding party and everything was going well…at first. I was busy serving drinks and suddenly loud yelling and screaming started right behind me. As it turns out, the bride had somehow found out the groom’s dark secret. How bad was it? Well, he had hooked up with her sister right before the wedding ceremony—and apparently on a few occasions before.
To say that she did not react well would be an understatement. Actually, what happened next kind of reminds of that lyric from Chicago’s “Cell Block Tango.” How does it go again? Oh, yeah. “And then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” In her anger, the bride grabbed a dinner fork from the table and plunged it into the groom’s chest…several times. We had to call first responders. It was absolutely insane.
Apparently, the (former) bride’s parents are still regular guests at my parents’ restaurant.
And, according to my mother, they told her that the groom and the bride's sister now actually have two children together and are planning on getting married.
3. You Can’t Keep This Hoedown
I played in a wedding band for several years. We played a wedding at a farm and they provided us with a greenroom. It was just one of two small rooms built into the side of a barn.
After we finished the first set, we and a few of the guests all went back to this barn to hang out. Once we were inside, we could clearly hear two people sharing what should have been a private moment.
We all thought that it was funny as all get out, and started making all sorts of noises to let the couple know that we were there. The noises coming from the couple stopped immediately, but nothing else happened for a while.
We all thought that the couple was too embarrassed to come out just yet. They were probably sorting themselves out and bracing for the walk of shame.
More time went by and the couple still didn’t come out. So, one of the guests knocked on the door to ask if everything was alright.
The door opened and the best man, who was married, appeared and literally bolted out of the barn as fast as he could with his jacket pulled over his head to try and hide his face.
Then, a few seconds later, the bride walked out and started crying her eyes out.
It turns out they had been sleeping together behind the groom’s back for quite a while. The groom got wind of what had happened in the barn. There was a lot of shouting and then I’m not sure what happened after that. We just packed up all of our stuff and got out of there. Eventually, I found out the ending of that strange story.
A few years later we got a request from the same bride and best man to play at THEIR wedding—and that’s not the weirdest part. They were having it at the same venue.
4. Think Of The Children!!
So this wedding took place in an Episcopal church. The priest had all his finery on and the church itself was decorated very nicely for the occasion. The bride and groom had made a point of asking everyone to wear casual clothes. We all took that to mean "semi-formal." Nope. They and their kids all came out wearing overalls and white t-shirts.
They stood next to the priest, who was in his formal robes. The other cringey part was when the groom, in the middle of the ceremony, started repeatedly talking about the Bible verse "let the little children come to me" and insisting it implied "
and listen to what they're telling you." He kept saying that over and over again, even though most of us had no idea what he meant.
He then launched into an impromptu twenty-minute speech explaining how he and the bride had gotten together. There were plenty of parts in the story where the groom was like "I wasn't sure she was right for me," but his son was pressing him because "
he wanted a mom." It was a sad story actually, as the kid lost his biological mom when he was only four and this was eight years later.
So, his speech was basically this long and unfocused story that boiled down to "I'm marrying this woman so that my kid can have a mom." That, and some more confusing Bible references mixed in here and there for good measure.
Not a good sign when that's your main reason for getting married to someone. Nevertheless, I knew it, probably half the attendees knew it, and the priest definitely knew it.
That whole background story might have been okay to tell during the reception, under a certain kind of atmosphere, but I have no idea why he decided to tell it in the middle of the actual wedding ceremony.
When all was said and done, this couple ended up getting divorced less than two years later.
