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Knowledge is Power

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“When someone shows you who they are, believe them; the first time.”—Maya Angelou
“I should say: the house shelters day-dreaming, the house protects the dreamer, the house allows one to dream in peace.”—Gaston Bachelard

People are weird. People are strange. That’s no surprise to anyone, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t be shocked by what’s to be found inside other people’s homes. Some things are to be expected, because keeping things clean and tidy isn’t always possible. But some people take that whole not cleaning thing to another level—and sometimes people just forget to put away things that may be quite embarrassing for an outsider to see.

Everyone has a story or two about finding something in a friend’s or a stranger’s house, but those stories got nothing on these tales we’ve collected from Reddit. Read on for some truly bizarre and disturbing stories of the things people keep in their homes, but make sure to be prepared. Don’t say we didn’t give a warning.


44. Chillin Like A Falcon

I once delivered pizza to a falcon tamer, whose falcon was just chilling with him on the porch. That was exciting.

alyymarie

43. Hidden Weapons

Not me but my mom. She’s a visiting physical therapist.

She used to work in a small city in the area, with some bad areas, and she had to do therapy for a rather overweight guy who was pretty paranoid about the people in his complex (granted most of us would be too) but my mom sat down on the couch and felt something hard underneath the cushion.

She had the guy get what it was, and it was a stick, with a large knife taped to the end. She had almost sat on the knife too. She asked him if there was anything else like that in or around the area she needed to work in, and he managed to remove multiple knives, makeshift spears, and a syringe-based weapon. He was HIV positive.

My mom discharged him shortly.

CYKAABYLATT

42. I Love That Dog

Electrician Apprentice. The dyed pink cocker spaniel humping its owner’s right leg furiously as he sat on the lounge smiling like a mad man.

fort__kickass

41. Super Rich Kids

I’m a professional tutor in NYC for a major tutoring company. I’ve been to some of the most expensive apartments in the city. One client was an artist—in the living room, next to his kids’ artwork, were several HUGE authentic Picassos and some other crazy stuff.

My favorite story, though, is that of the daughter of the CEO of a major motion picture studio. I was trying to explain the concept of specific heat to her by explaining that the reason it takes water so long to boil is because it has a high specific heat.

She didn’t get the comparison and thought water boiled on demand. She had never cooked anything before at the age of 17. Halfway through one of our lessons, a maid brought in a sandwich sliced into perfect triangles with the crust removed. Surreal.

thrwytutor

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40. redruM

My neighbor once asked me to feed his cat for him while he was out of town. Nice guy, mid 30s, lived alone, ran his own landscaping company. He would sometimes cut our grass for us when he was out cutting his on his huge landscaping mower. So I mean, yeah, of course, I’ll feed your cat for a few days.

Bible verses were written in red marker on every inch of every mirror in his house, and there were an odd amount of mirrors. Like, multiple full length mirrors in just his living room, absolutely covered in tiny red Bible verses.

I never really looked at him the same after that.

Teemo4evr

39. Sister In The Mirror

I used to install Dish Network for a living.

I was installing for an elderly lady, who complained that her “sister’s” TV always showed the same thing hers did. I had a two TV installation order so I figured that would be OK.

I finished the installation and was demonstrating the system when she looked at the full length mirror and complained that her sister’s TV was still showing the same thing.

Noped out of there as quick as I could, and left notes on the account in case she called in.

AgonizingFury

38. At Least It’s Not A Dead Bird

I used to volunteer for a wildlife rescue and did a pickup at a very elderly woman’s house where she had found a baby bird. When I got there she carefully uncovered it from the towel she’d placed it in, and it was just a chestnut.

Ed98208

37. Pizza Memories

Use to deliver pizza many years ago. There was a guy that saved every pizza box he ever had. They were stacked from floor to the ceiling and fully assembled. Definitely hoarder.

Stimpy666

36. Organ In The Floors

It was a while ago, but one guy’s house had a hole cut between two floors and had a lovingly maintained old Victorian steam-powered concert organ set up in the hole.

Not necessarily bad, just odd. It was a regular suburban house. The owner was super weird though. The rest of the house was filled with garbage and smelled like cat pee.

Hirudin

35. “Hazing” Newbies

On my first call at this one client, he answered the door in an open bathrobe. Under which he was naked.

He and I stared at each other for a long moment in pretty mutual shock before he finally tied the bathrobe closed, mumbled something, and ran away (to get clothes, as it turned out). He came back, he apologized, I fixed the client’s very expensive computer and left.

I brought this incident up to my boss, who said, very offhandedly, that this gentleman did that often. It was apparently his way of “hazing” new techs, and he was only shocked because they had sent a female technician. On the upside, the embarrassment seemed to break him of the habit, since I never heard of him doing it again.

Why my boss didn’t warn me, I have no idea.

punkrockscience

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34. Diaper Mountain

I used to clean carpets for a living and we were sent to a section eight home that had recently had the electricity shut off. We went in to survey the situation and, after locating a flashlight, realized the six-foot-high mound in the living room was all dirty diapers.
We did not clean that carpet.

alejoe699

33. Now That’s Disposable Income

TV repairman here. I’ve seen my fair share of nasty houses, a couple outright hoarders, etc.

But I’m going to go with the most memorable sign of money.

I was working on a bedroom TV and there were a couple maintenance or plumbing guys working in the bathroom attached to the room. The homeowner was bumbling around, and at some point, the plumber says to her “we just got a call and the new tub finally arrived from Italy. We can get it installed next week if we pull out the old one today, but you won’t have a bath in the master bath over the weekend.”

She goes “Paul, don’t be ridiculous. We have nine other bathrooms in this house I think I’ll survive a couple days.”

It really wasn’t the worst in any way, it was just absurd.

alexthealex

32. Nope. I Don’t Like It

Ex-removals guy. I started moving a fridge to find a rotten piece of fish in a pool of cat piss at the back. I didn’t like it.

Goldencol

31. Splish Splash In The Living Room

My partner used to deliver home appliances. He saw his share of wild living arrangements, hoarding, cockroaches and the like.
But his favorite story is this: He was delivering to an upstairs unit in a two-family house. He went upstairs and knocked on the inner door. He could hear… splishin’ and a-splashing… pool-party sounds…

The family had set up a 3-foot-deep, 12-foot in diameter Swimming Pool in their upper living room. Their children/friends were jumping in… water was sloshing to the floor and whoever knows where… it was like this was totally normal.

horsevoice

30. Chew House

I walked dogs. Had one young doctor who worked long hours and had a rambunctious lab. The dog had totally destroyed the entire house. Had chewed off huge parts of the staircase, the kitchen cabinets, the stove, the windowsills… everything was just gone or destroyed. The dog had access to the full downstairs but it was totally empty except for some dog toys and an old loveseat the dog slept on.

I guess the owner had just given up and used a bedroom upstairs as a living room. He really loved the dog, and the dog was well cared for, if bored. It was shocking to see this nice newer home look like a chew toy.

curiouspursuit

29. Uh, What Are We Doing?

I work in catering. The only time I felt weirded out was when we were setting up in the garage of this house and three kids get home from school with their nanny. They are shuffled upstairs for only a half an hour or so and then back down and leave for the rest of the night.

The weird part was there was no evidence in the garage nor the first floor of the house that any children lived there. No toys, no bikes, no shoes and zero family photos anywhere.

And then the house party took a weird turn when it turned out to be some sort of fundraiser form, as they put it during the toast, “the poor unfortunate colored children.”

They did not tip.

CitraBenzoet

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28. Not Just In The Movies

My wife is a Physical Therapist who does home health visits. She has seen some stuff.

Several hoarders. People who have bizarrely huge collections of curios like snow globes, crosses, and one lady who had a disturbingly huge collection of Princess Diana memorabilia.

Several old guys who tried to subtly proposition her for sexual favors. Then there was the one old guy who was recovering from a knee replacement and flat out said something like, “I haven’t had a blowjob in like 20 years. Is that something you do?”

Crazy cat ladies. They are real. And sometimes their houses are infested with fleas.

There was a lady who had experienced a stroke and had lost a good chunk of her impulse control as well as mobility on one side of her body. Every single time my wife saw her, there were two dildos on her kitchen counter, in plain view of the living room where my wife worked with the patient.

zeronotzero

27. Freezer Cemetery

FINALLY one for me! I’m in insurance restoration, we deal with houses that have caught on fire, or any insurance problem, really. Long story short, a woman’s house catches on fire. Woman has a deep freezer in the garage with the body of every cat she has ever owned since the ’80s… Guess who stumbled upon it, after the power had been out for a week?

ScootzNTootz

Veterinarian here. There’s a disturbing number of surprisingly normal people who do this. I don’t get it, but then again, I have the body of every one of my pets since the early 90s cremated in my closet… I suppose in a way we are the same, but one of us has less foresight for what might happen if the power goes out.

InspiredByKITTENS

26. Time Is Ticking Away

A couple of years ago I worked for a cleaning company. One of my first days on the job, I was cleaning a woman’s house and entered a room on the second floor that—I kid you not—was full of only clocks and mirrors. I’ve never been so aware of my own mortality.

receding_punchline

25. Watch Out For The Dead Bear Over There

My dad used to install dishes for Dish Network. He was at a client’s house and ended up getting scraped up by a taxidermied bear. Also, someone had alligators, which is notable because we live in Minnesota.

horrificallygeneric

24. Being Watched Over By Porcelain Dolls

Former door-to-door salesman checking in. Sold subscriptions for TV and Internet. Once tried to sell to a lady (read: probably serial killer) whose house was filled with literally THOUSANDS of porcelain dolls of all shapes, sizes, styles, and degrees of scariness. She had everything from pristine dolls that looked like they’d never been touched to Annabelle-tier filthy monstrosities that honest to god looked straight out of a horror movie. And these dolls were EVERYWHERE. Also, her floors and (what I could see of the) walls were painted red. Super creepy.

10/10, would almost get murdered again.

InvincibleChip

23. Yes, Women Can Be Mechanics oo

I don’t typically go into other people’s houses, I’m a mechanic who does house calls, which occasionally brings me inside to wash my hands or use the bathroom.

The best one was when I was doing a job for a man who broke down at his girlfriend’s house. After the job was done I asked to go inside to wash my hands and he says it’s fine. I’m washing my hands at the sink and suddenly this naked black woman comes out of a room and gives me a confused look.

Her: “Who are you? What are you doing in my house?”
Me: I’m the mechanic…
Her: You can’t be the mechanic, you’re a woman. [Person I worked on the vehicle for] must be cheating on me! With a white girl at that! What has this world come to.
Me: Well, to be fair, I’m not white, I’m mixed, and, I assure you, I am indeed the mechanic.
Her: No, women cannot be mechanics, and I don’t care what you are.. [begins to cry]

So… The strangest thing I’ve ever seen on a house call was an overly-paranoid, mildly sexist, naked black woman. I tried to calm her down, but it didn’t work. Apparently, the guy got dumped that night and it was all my fault. I now ask for a hose to wash my hands.

Cursethewind

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22. DEA Visit

I was a researcher in people’s homes. One time I was doing a survey and the DEA broke down the door and held us all by gunpoint. That was pretty freaky.

The saddest thing I would see was people doing drugs in front of their children.

LearningLifeAsIGo

21. Paint It Black

I used to work on foreclosed homes as an inspector of sorts. I remember we went to one foreclosed house where all the windows were painted black. Inside were these massive wooden stands with fluorescent lights and nothing else, I don’t even think any of the appliances were left. The thing that gets me to this day though about this house was that the people growing weed there thought painting the windows black would be a good idea. Because that’s not suspicious at all.

viktor72

20. Leopard Love

I used to work for a carpet cleaning company. I’ve had some interesting stories but this one always takes the cake. We had this program where we hired special needs people part time. So we hire this new guy, Bob.

Bob’s a rather large fella, not the fastest thinker but real nice to work with.

Bob and I showed up to clean a couple rooms in this couple’s mansion. It was immaculate, two gay men in their 40s. Never mind the paintings of half-naked dudes all over the walls. So part of our job is to move furniture to clean under them. I had Bob help move the bed, and this giant two foot leopard print veiny penis rolls out like a dead possum. Bob stares. No words spoken… I clean around it, kick it under the bed and move it back.

Bob and I finish the job and get in the van to leave. Bob turns to me and says, “where did they get that leopard’s penis, and what are they gonna do with it?”

I still cannot tell this story without laughing.

LucifersYam

19. Impressive Bunny Castle

I once saw a woman that had built a massive castle the length of a typical bed for her bunny rabbit. It was as high as the ceiling and it had a moat and everything.

Permalink

18. Scaring You Naked

I used to work in door-to-door sales so I saw quite a lot of stuff.

One time I knocked on a door and the screen door was shut but the door behind was wide open and I could see right down the hallway into the house. This guy (who I can only assume was waiting for someone else) literally jumped round the corner at the end of the hallway, bollock naked, locked eyes with me and screamed and hid round the corner again. He very awkwardly asked why I was there and I explained, in between fits of laughter, and said I’d leave him to it and I hope he had a great day.

Another time a guy opened the door at 11:30am holding a bottle of Jack Daniels that he was drinking from and invited me in. He had three teeth and no shirt on. I politely declined.

I went into a lot of houses where people just obsessively hoarded anything and everything, from figurines to travel mugs to old newspapers.

bj_ambassador

17. Seen It All

Carpet installer for 30 years. The list is endless. Some highlights…

Full on sex dungeon in the basement.

NYC male prostitute with custom wallpaper—silver drawings of gay sex on black background.

Did several buildings for a developer. Later saw him on front page of paper getting arrested for kidnapping/ extortion—he was Russian mafia.

Have showed up to find piles (Not one pile, Piles plural) of dog poop all over the house.

A secret computer lab in a bazillion dollar home behind a bookcase, down a looong concrete hallway AND a GIANT steel door.

Had the power company running an underground line outside the home I was working in. They hit the water main for the entire area. Guy had a water spout in his front yard like Old Faithful—only it didn’t stop until they dug up his entire yard and the water had destroyed the entire bottom half of his house. He was at work—had no idea it was happening.

I could go on.

The_Red_Paw

16. Different Kinds Of Dirty Walls

Used to work for a service company that would respond to apartment renter issues. Walked into a studio apartment at a upscale complex for a reported issue with the dryer. As soon as I walked in, a majority of the walls were covered with porn from porn magazines.

The renter tore out hundreds and hundreds of pages from dirty magazines and tacked them to the walls. Everything else was normal and clean. The furniture was clean, the floors were clean, no evidence of hoarding of any kind. Kitchen was spotless. No smells or odors. Apartment was fully organized, but just porn all over the walls.

mrsheikh

15. Security Measure

I deliver food for my restaurant and one time I pulled up to the gate of this house. The resident told me to just come inside and deliver the food since she was wheelchair bound. Ok, cool. I get to the door and I discover a biometric fingerprint scanner that unlocks the door, along with a camera.

So I press the doorbell and the resident opens the door. I take the food to her in her living room and as I look around this lady has an electronic code lock installed on her fridge, pantry, and the backdoor to go outside is card-accessed only. The garage door is quadruple bolt locked and the windows have window-sized garage doors on the inside. I hurried up outta there and told my manager to never put me on delivery runs again.

Permalink

14. Everyone Has Their Own Idea Of Special

Few years ago I was volunteering with the city council helping people clean their houses after the neighborhood I lived in had been flooded.

One house belonged to a Chinese couple who ran the local convenience store. They had asked our crew to help remove water damaged carpet from the ground floor rooms of their house so it could be thrown away.

As we were removing this carpet, we realised that it ran in one piece under a closed door and into a locked room, so we asked the lady of the house if she wanted us to cut it off at the door and leave whatever was in the locked room behind, or if she wanted to open the room and have us remove the carpet in there also. She responded, “I’ll check with my husband what to do. That’s his special room.”

This lead to some nervously puzzled looks from our crew. What does a middle aged Chinese man who owns a convenience store keep in his “special room”?

Eventually, the wife came back with a set of keys and told us that we could remove the carpet in the room and she unlocked the door. We all crowded around as the door opened to reveal..

A room with carpet up the walls, a mirror ball on the ceiling, a stage at one end with a PA standard sound system, a projector, and in the corner just about the fanciest karaoke machine I’d ever seen. Special room indeed.

hU0N5000

13. The Things We Do For A Return Deposit

Not a job, but I moved out of my apartment and told the girl living there that I’d be back the next weekend to clean MY room and the common areas (living room & kitchen & bathroom). She was notoriously dirty and I wanted to make sure that I received my deposit back. I took the items that I paid for (she was incapable of shopping for items). I took the remaining toilet paper, leaving the partial roll, my shower curtain, my pans & plates & dishes, my food and the rest of my stuff. I came back a week later to find:

Rice covering the floor.

She didn’t have pots or pans, and instead of buying one, she attempted to cook using one of her plates. (By the evidence of the half melted plate on the stove with congealing food in it…why she didn’t use the microwave…) She had also melted a kettle to the back burner…I had to buy twi replacement burners for the stove.

She stopped using the toilet when she ran out of toilet paper, left it unflushed and started using the bathtub. Bits and pieces still clinging to the back of it where the shower head wouldn’t reach.

Plates stuck to the floor under the couch.

Snotty tissues covering her bed, so she was sleeping in her snot tissues. (She had flunked out of the graphic design program and took it rather hard).

Food IN the bed (crackers, pancakes, syrup were just some of the recognizable foods).

Food EVERYWHERE actually.

I found that she had been stashing her empty slim fast cans in her dresser.

There were just so many things to clean…it was gross.

jessdb19

12. Big Brother House Owners

I’m in and out of thousands of houses every year, so I’ve seen a lot. One of the strangest was finding hidden cameras (the people were moving in that day, so not theirs) set up in the attic and pointing into bedrooms and bathrooms. Also in the same attic (it was a big one), was a completely furnished hidden room that was only accessible from the attic. Needless to say, the homeowners were pretty freaked out.

Stinkyozzy

11. Preparing For The End

As most of these stories will feature tales of hoarding I’ll give you a story with a bit of a twist.

I am a plumber by trade and although most of my work is with processing plants and factories, occasionally our boss will do a favor for a project manager or other high level contact. We were asked to go and install an RO System (it’s a type of water purification system) at someone’s country home. Most people have no need for water that pure, a filtration system and UV treatment is way more than enough, but if the client wants to pay for it, then he gets what he wants.

So me and my coworker drive to this guy’s house in the middle of nowhere. It’s a pretty standard looking house nothing out of the ordinary. We go inside and he brings us down to the basement to this big steel door and a set of steps leading further down.

This guy had excavated and over the last few years built an underground bunker. Think of the place in 10 Cloverfield Lane, but this was way better built. It was still rather spartan as there was no furniture yet. But this place was massive, possibly about 5,000 sq. ft. of living space. There was an air filtration system that would bring fresh air in and pump it out to several spots on his property, a series of buried reservoirs to hold fresh water pumped from his well (after it went through his newly installed RO).

He had power from a mix of the grid and a small solar plant on the roof of his house and another in a field away from the house, as well as a backup generator. There were shelves in the walls with lights installed for growing small crops, even one room that he said will be dedicated to raising a couple of chickens.

This man was geared up to survive the end of the world, and had spent a ton of money to do so. I have seen a lot of preppers before but this was a very different level of prep.

badcgi

10. Keeping The Garbage Clean

I work in the restoration business, deal with insurance companies claims for water, fire, mold etc.. I had just started my job a month before I was sent to the worst house I’ve ever been in. There was a house that the bank took from someone because they defaulted on the mortgage. I was sent in to clean the house out, she was a hoarder. She had no running water and had not once taken her garbage bins to the curb. Not even kidding, they were the cleanest things on her property, two garbage bins that were spotless, not a spec of dirt inside them.

The house however had 18” of garbage covering the WHOLE floor of the house. Pringle cans everywhere full of crap. A pile of used pads beside her bed, as high as my waist and about four feet in diameter. Tea bags piled from the top of the counter, to the bottom of the upper cabinets. A pile of used toilet paper taking up every bit of her bathtub and about four feet higher than the top of the tub. There was a spot under all of the garbage where she burnt clothes and a big burn mark into her hardwood floor. Mouse poop everywhere and dead mice.

It was also the middle of the summer when I had to go in, was about 25-30 degrees Celsius out over the four days I was there. We filled two MASSIVE dumpsters up with garbage. That was easily the worst four days of my life.

throwagay8008

9. Up To Your Neck In Poop

Poop. I do hardwood flooring and to hook up our big machine I have to get to the breaker box, typically in the basement. When I tell these people they just say “do what you do. Do you need me to show you where it is?” and I tell them I’m good at sniffing them out.

I walk down the stairs and realize I’m standing in dog poop. Years worth of it. Old white dried out poop and today’s poop and everything in between. I yell up to one of my guys to bring a hammer and nails so I can hang my cable so it doesn’t touch the floor. It was horrific. I can still smell it and it has been at least 15 years.

Most people are embarrassed by their basement and I reassure them that I have seen worse because I have seen the worst. Those people didn’t even acknowledge it. $400 job that I would walk off now. Also if you pet their dogs your hand smelled like crap. I’m a different man now and if I saw this today I would take those dogs away. I hated typing this out.

BigBolognaSandwich

8. More Poop

Heating company person here. We went into a home to install a new furnace, but turns out he needed a new heat run put into the bathroom upstairs. I should also mention that the dude has been without running water, electric and gas for about two years. Guess what we found piled up all over the bathroom floor? I honestly don’t know how he was living there, but we called some people to get him the help he needed.

(It was poop.)

A_Two_Slot_Toaster

7. Cats on Cats on Cats

I’ve mentioned these people before.

I was building an addition to an existing house. The owners were… they were a weird pair. Husband and wife. The husband looked like Gollum and the wife looked like Hagrid. They were both very slow mentally and they smelled terrible. Like they bathed in pure ammonia. Even the new addition started to smell. The more we sealed it up the more it stank. And we hadn’t even opened them up to each other yet.

At the time I wasn’t anybody important on the crew, so I’d never had occasion to enter the house itself. Until one fateful morning when I was there early. The power to the exterior outlets had been cut and the electrician hadn’t installed the new ones yet, so I decided to run an extension cord from inside the house.

I opened the back door (intended to become a hallway entrance) and the smell nearly knocked me over. It was like the ammonia smell that clung to them, but ramped to 100x. Breathing shallowly through my mouth I ventured into the dimly lit interior.
The living room, or at least I think it was a living room, was a literal maze of containers. Cages. Eighteen inches tall and a couple feet square, all stacked one on top of the other. As my eyes adjusted I thought they were filled with rabbits. The ones by the door were stacked such that I could see over them; elsewhere and against the walls they were stacked to the ceiling. Each and every one of them with an occupant.

I stepped closer.

Not rabbits.

Cats.

Hundreds of cats. Each cage containing at least one, some two or three. Each stacked four or five high. Nothing under them, each one pissing and crapping on the cage below.

I got the hell out of there.

psinguine

6. Waiting For The War To End

About a decade ago I was working a side job cleaning chimneys. Part of the job was vacuuming out the soot we freed up from the flue. I was led into the basement by an elderly woman and there was an entire bedroom set down there covered in plastic. She told me it was her son’s, saying “it’s waiting for him when he gets back from the war.” Given the amount of dust on the plastic, coupled by her age, I think she meant Vietnam.

She kept trying to give me beef stew, I said we were busy but if she can spare any to go I’d appreciate it. I didn’t eat it, but felt like I had to take it after that.

Muliciber

5. Mannequin House

Used to deliver furniture boy do I have some good stories.

1. A lady had mannequins everywhere in her house, all of them dressed up in fancy clothes and in various positions. Some sitting in the living room watching TV, one in the kitchen with an apron cooking, two at the dinner table, one sitting in the edge of her bed and best of all one on the toilet downstairs. It was very strange. The lady dressed in very bright clothes with very red lipstick and her eyebrows always made her look very surprised.

2. This delivery was in a rundown old neighborhood that was in a very wooded area. Being there just gave me the creeps. I was putting together a bed frame upstairs and looked downstairs through an open air vent and saw that the garage area had freezers lining the walls and a little workshop with a meat grinder and a bunch of tools in the middle. I think it was the fastest I ever assembled that particular bed frame. Noted right out of there but I did get a $20 tip so I never mentioned it to anyone until now.

3. This time I was delivering a bedroom set to a nice lady in an apartment complex. Walked into her apartment to and there was no furniture anywhere except a mattress on a simple bedframe in her bedroom with a TV in front of it, and a mirror on the ground in her living room with a laptop and Webcam on a chair. When taking her old mattress out she had several dildos under her bed, all of them over ten inches long and… girthy. I think you can guess what her job was.

Cold_Hotdog_Water

4. But Wait, There’s More

4. There was a lady who ordered furniture online which was unusual because it was such a small business. We arrive with a Cali king sized bed and the woman was bedridden and well over 500lbs. Who answered the door you might ask? Her husband, who must’ve weighed 150 lbs soaking wet. They used some pulley system they had installed to pick her up off the bed a few inches and we swapped beds with her looming over us watching TV. Her husband was cool though, in the office downstairs next to the door he had a sweet Battlestation. Four monitors, a beast of a computer, TV, sweet chair, mini-fridge. Apparently, she was a trust fund baby and he was riding the gravy train all the way to steam HQ.

5. Delivered furniture to a nice gentleman one week and he had pictures of him and his family everywhere. Three weeks later we deliver again and I noticed in all of the pictures the wife’s face was cut out but the pictures were put back on the walls. Guess that explains the lazy boy.

6. Last one. We were given keys to a family’s house and asked to deliver/assemble while they weren’t home (not unusual surprisingly) we get there and start putting their two twin size bed frames together and next thing we know we hear two people having sex, hard, in the next room. Seriously they we’re gettin it, shaking stuff on the walls and everything. They finished before we were done and two 15-ish-year-old kids walk out. Turns out the son decided to skip school with his girlfriend. (Go Timmy). He tipped us $10 to not say anything to his parents or our manager.

I have more but none are near as interesting. They’re just stories of random objects we’ve seen under other people’s beds.

Cold_Hotdog_Water

3. Wall Of Heroes

For 20 years, I’ve spent my summers designing home theater systems. After the installers finish, I go by the house a few days later to check on things. Fully 75% of the time I hit play on the DVD player, porn starts playing. (And yet I forget to check before hitting play, every damn time. Not sure who’s dumber, me or the clients). Oh… and the recent one…Went by the client’s house to do the usual check-in. He showed me his “Wall of Heroes” in the foyer. It consisted of framed, autographed pictures of Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, and Henry Lee Lucas (and a few others I’m forgetting). Plus some framed letters from them. “Wall of Heroes,” indeed.

ChillingMoment

2. Lannister Children

I’m a pool guy, I go into people’s backyards to clean their pools.

One week, it was a four day week due to a holiday, so I’m not going on the scheduled days, I’m cramming five days of work into a four day week.

It’s a hot summer day, and I walk into the backyard of this house, get through both gates, and I’m met with an odd sight. These two kids, maybe 14 or 15, are absolutely butt ass naked, cuddled on a poolside recliner. I look at them, they look at me. I immediately turn around and they run inside.

I see the owners all the time, but I’ve never seen these kids before. Next week I go, the wife was outside, and we started chit chatting. I ask her if she’s had any visitors recently, she says no. I let her know that I saw some kids in her backyard, and she cut me off. She says, “Yeah, surprised you haven’t met them, lemme introduce you.”

They were brother and sister.

They canceled service within two months.

Deodorized

1. Cat Food

I’m a firefighter/EMT so it’s pretty normal to find a dead body, but one will always stay with me. There was this middle aged guy who lived in his van out in a parking lot somewhat out of town. He never bothered anybody, so the police just let him stay there. It was around the middle of July in Arizona (so about 105-110 degree heat) and we got a call to go check on him. Nobody had seen him for a while, and somebody had complained of a foul odor coming from his van.

We all knew what we were gonna find, but nothing could prepare us for what we actually came across. I opened the back door to his van and a cloud of flies flew out so thick you couldn’t see through it. I was immediately punched in the face by the stench of death, and when the flies cleared out we finally got a look at what was in there. The guy had been dead for at least two weeks and his cats had survived by eating the fleshier parts of his body.

I’ve seen my fair share of dead bodies, but something about a guy who had been in a van for 2 weeks in Arizona summer heat with cats eating his body that just sticks with you.

jl101794 

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