Cheating is one of the worst things a person can do to a loved one. Betraying the trust of someone we are supposed to be committed to on such a fundamental level is truly despicable and heartbreaking, as anyone who has been a victim of it can attest to.
There are many reasons why a person could choose to commit this kind of bad behavior, but it usually boils down in some way or another to feeling like they won’t get caught. When they do get caught, though, the effort to minimize the damage begins—and that can lead to some next-level crazy places.
When trying everything imaginable to save face and salvage the relationships they’ve jeopardized, people can come up significantly short, and make excuses so lame and unbelievable that they probably do more to secure the relationship’s end than to fix the issues.
Here are 42 of the most ridiculously ineffective excuses people have offered for cheating on their significant others.
42. It’s Either Me or Pop Tarts
A friend in college cheated on his girlfriend because she told him he had to stop eating pop tarts so he could lose weight, and he didn’t know how to break up with her. When she found out, he straight up told her to her face that he couldn’t give up pop tarts. I wish that was a lie, those things are pretty darn high in calories.
41. Aiming to Please
“She reminded me of you, so you should feel flattered that I did this!”
40. ‘A’ For Effort
“I did it for practice, so I could be as good in bed for you as possible!”
39. Business Before Pleasure
“Well, I gave her a ride home and she didn’t have cash, how else was I supposed to let her pay?”
38. Suuuuuurrree It Was…
“It was an accident.”
37. A Case of Mistaken Identity
“Wasn’t me!” followed by an attempt to convince me that he must have some lookalike out there.
36. Star-Crossed Lovers
My ex was very into astrology. She cheated on me, and blamed it on the timing of the great American eclipse of August 2017.
35. You Poor Baby!
“My wife was pregnant, so I wasn’t getting any.”
34. Missing the Point
“It’s not like it meant anything.” Oh good, I’m so glad we cleared that up!
33. Planning for a Rainy Day
“Just because you’ve been an amazing boyfriend to me up till now doesn’t mean you’ll always be in the future!” Um what…
32. Preventative Measures
“I think he might cheat since we’re long distance right now. If he cheats on me, I’ll be devastated. So I want to cheat on him first. That way if he ever tells me he cheated on me during this time, I can tell him I cheated first to piss him off. I mean he might not cheat, but if he does, I need to be able to tell him I cheated first.”
31. Virtual Reality
“I only knew the guy through Facebook, if it’s only online it doesn’t count!”
30. The Great Debate
“I didn’t want to do it, but Mike made some very convincing arguments.”
29. You Haven’t Evolved Enough to Come up With a Better Excuse Than That?
When my husband and his mistress got caught, they tried to invoke an evolution argument and convince me that “humans aren’t meant to be monogamous.”
I’m like, “if you don’t believe in monogamy, why did you even marry in the first place? You could have joined a free love hippie commune at any time if you wanted to. But that’s not what you did.”
28. Life is Too Short to Waste on Guys Like Sam
My best friend was in the hospital having emergency surgery, during which she almost died. Her family told her boyfriend, Sam, about her situation. He never responded or showed up to see or ask how she was doing. He then proceeded to cheat on her with some girl from high school, claiming, “She didn’t answer my texts for two whole days!!” Yeah, because she was nearly dead, you jerk!
27. You Say As You Swipe “Yes”
“I’m just on Tinder to confirm that there’s nothing better out there. It helps me appreciate you more.”
26. Get Thee to a Dentist
One morning, I went to brush my teeth and my toothbrush was wet. I found that odd, so I asked my girlfriend if she had used the blue toothbrush, and she said “yeah” all casual. I said that the pink toothbrush was hers, and she played it off like she didn’t know. I suddenly realized that we had been using the same toothbrush for a few weeks and it kind of grossed me out. That started a very small argument. I went to work, as did she, but she didn’t come home that night. The next morning, I called her out and she admitted that she slept with another guy who didn’t think she was gross.
25. Turns Out You Were Right!
“I felt like I wasn’t good enough for you.”
24. Silence Does Not Equal Consent
My ex-girlfriend cheated on me when I fell asleep. She said since I wasn’t responding when she asked if I would be okay with it, she assumed I was. Wack!
23. Well, That Changes Everything…
“I did it because she was hot.”
22. We’re Still Getting Acquainted…
“OMG, I thought she was you!”
21. Always Considerate
“You were so depressed all the time, I didn’t want to bother you.” Gee, well now I’m just over the moon!
20. Slow Down There, Partner…
My boyfriend’s excuse was that he was so in love with me that his overwhelming emotions began to overpower and intimidate him, and he had to cheat to regain control… of his love for me.
19. It’s Important to Stay in Shape
Girlfriend claimed she was just helping a guy do a two-person exercise move… naked in the shower.
18. If Everybody Jumped off a Bridge, Would You Do That Too?
No, no they don’t. If they do, they are bad people.
17. Not the Nicest Person Around
“Yes, I have been cheating on my boyfriend, but look at him! He is too ugly to be loved and is also disabled. So I told him either he accepts that I will have sex with other people, or I will dump him and he will never have a girlfriend again.”
And that was the moment I realized I no longer wanted to be friends with her.
16. Appetite in Charge
“I’m sorry, but she offered me Skittles and I couldn’t refuse!”
15. Opposite Day
Some woman on Divorce Court said that her man was “too nice” and “too perfect.” She wanted a man who would create some drama and fight with her from time to time to keep things interesting.
14. Honesty Is the Best Policy
I was married for six years and caught my husband cheating. His response was to just shrug and say, “I got nothing.” That was it.
13. Oh, So It’s My Fault!
“I needed you that day and you weren’t there!!!” His excuse for having sex with not one but three other women. Found this out when one of the girls doused me in beer while walking down the street. The excuse he gave when trying to persuade me not to dump him was that I was the only girl he was ever in public with, the others were just for fun. I was glad to be rid of the loser that he was. Young love, it sucked.
12. Relationship Code, Section 4, Rule 2.5
“It doesn’t count if it’s in a different zip code.” Oh really? Is that how this works?
11. What Are the Odds of That?
“I actually just tripped and landed in that exact position!”
10. Anyone Could Make That Mistake!
“I swear I thought your sister was actually you! You two look so similar and the lights were off!”
Aside from how ridiculous and unlikely that is on the surface, there’s also the little fact that my sister has blonde hair and I have brown hair…
9. It’s the Feeling That Counts, Right?
“I didn’t actually enjoy it because I was thinking about you the whole time and I felt terrible.”
8. Shifting the Blame
“My dad did it, so it was probably in my genes to do the same.”
7. Five’s a Crowd
“I completely blacked out and didn’t know what I was doing!”
This was his excuse for having intimate relations with five 13-15-year-olds in a youth center. (He was nearly 18). We lived in a pretty underprivileged area where teen pregnancy isn’t uncommon.
I think I dodged a bullet or five.
6. Does the End Justify the Means?
My ex-wife, the mother of my three kids: “My boss offered me a higher position in his new company if I slept with him. I had no choice!”
5. Dr. Matt and Mr. Matty
“You don’t like going to clubs, so I didn’t want you to feel bad about me going. So I just went in secret—and I can’t control what happens at the club! Babe, when I’m with you I’m Matt, but sometimes I just have to let Matty out. Matty is crazy. I have to let him be free at the club so that Matt can be a good boyfriend to you the rest of the time.”
4. You’ve Got a Friend in Me
My girlfriend was contacting my friend a lot, and when I found out that it had led somewhere and confronted him on it, word for word he said he “didn’t want to be rude to her” by turning her advances down. Rude to her?? What about me, jerk???!!!
3. Near Death Experience
My buddy’s dad was diagnosed with colon cancer. He starts going to chemo and his wife starts going out with some other guy.
His sister found out his mom was cheating on his dad, so she told my buddy and he sat his dad down and talked to him.
Dad confronts cheating mom and she says, “my fortune teller told me that the best way to get over your death would be to start something new with someone else.”
Now mind you, his dad’s not dead, or really even close to death. The cancer is responding well to chemo, and he’s been slowly getting better.
She literally tried justifying cheating on him because he might die…
She no longer lives in the house and, to the best of my knowledge, has been ex-communicated from the entire family.
2. I Don’t Think, Therefore I Am Not
My college roommate cheated on his girlfriend and felt awful about it in the aftermath, to the point where it made him realize how much he actually loved his girlfriend. He then began to cheat a few times a semester, specifically to recreate that feeling. He started to rationalize that “you need to cheat to be able to stay faithful.”
1. Go Howl About It to Someone Who Cares…
“I’m a wolf.”
No, really. He said this and meant it. My delusional ex-boyfriend started to think he was a wolf and that wolves are like Zeus. Because he’s a wolf, he can get away with cheating? And he thinks I’m just gonna say, “oh, okay!” Nah. Not gonna slide, dude.