Kids say the darndest things! Kids do the darndest things! Kids destroy the darndest things! Yeah, kids are cute and all—but sometimes their adorable, childlike instincts make them do truly horrible things. Here are some of the worst.
1. Happy Nothing Day!
A child who was a guest at someone else’s birthday party threw a tantrum because she wanted presents too. She got her way—her parents took her shopping right after the party and she got a brand new Gameboy.
2. Play By Play
My daughter announced to the world that I was pooping in a public restroom by loudly shouting, “Ewww, that smells!” However, she didn’t stop with just the one proclamation; she went on and on and on. “Oh my gosh, that is awful. Gross, Mom!” etc. As she is saying this, the little giggles from the other stalls are slowly turning into loud laughs.
Needless to say, I avoided eye contact with everyone while washing my hands…
3. A Phone is Like a Fish: Catch and Release
I taught for six years at a school with extremely rich kids (the professional athletes in my city would live in this district and their kids would go here, and lots of other wealthy people). I taught seventh grade. One of my students had the iPhone 6. He wanted the newest phone at the time, the 6S, which had come out that week—so this was probably late September.
During the bus call, he was whining about his parents telling him that he had to wait until Christmas to get a new phone. What did he decide to do? He chucked his phone at the cinderblock wall in the hallway from my classroom. It broke his screen, and possibly his phone. Surprise, surprise: He had the iPhone 6S the next day.
4. Heads or Tails
My kid sat right next to my shoulder while I was laying in bed fighting a migraine. He then pooped his pants, plopped backward right onto me, and slid along my head—smearing poop into my hair and ear, and then onto my face. He’s two. It is definitely up there on the list of the worst “What the heck am I supposed to do now?” moments of my life.
I opted to drag him fully dressed into the shower and scrub and shampoo the two of us for an hour while crying.
5. Getting the Real Story
I work in an Apple Store as a Genius. A kid (13-15 yrs old) comes in with his iPhone X and tells me that he wants a new phone now. I ask him what is wrong and he says every time he plays Fortnite or Minecraft his phone gets hot. Explain to him that is an expected behavior for graphic-intensive games and explain that I play PUBGmobile and my phone does the same thing.
He screams “I want a new f***ing phone now!!” and slams the phone on the table, which shatters the display. The phone drops to the floor (which is stone) and shatters the back. He looks at me and blames me for making him slam his phone. I tell him well now the phone is broke and that will be $549 to replace it since it’s now broken.
At this point, his mom comes in and sees the phone and asks what happened. Her son starts to say that I did it. She looks at me and asks me what happened. I tell her the whole story, and she just laughs and tells her son to get the hell out and he will be without a phone until he can pay for it himself. It felt so good to see that brat slink out of there.
6. Twisted Views on Life
We had one child in out school who was super aggressive, and I mean SUPER aggressive toward his classmates. Like, the kid couldn’t take any criticism. He couldn’t stand losing during gym/soccer. He was generally just a bag of frustration and pent up anger. I remember one gym class I ran, we played football and his team’s goalie didn’t save a penalty.
The aggressive child went absolutely nuts on this poor goalkeeper. I had to pull him off and send him to the principal’s office. He instead decided to leave the school and go home. Enough was enough. All the teachers agreed we needed to get his parents into school, as this behavior could NOT continue. Well, it all made sense when the mum came in to speak to us.
First, she excused his violent behavior during sports, claiming he’s so much better than his classmates and having the patience to “deal” with their incompetence takes its toll on him and he “understandably” lashes out when he feels others aren’t trying as hard as he is. This actually happened and I could not for the life of me believe what I was hearing.
This was my first year teaching at that school by the way. Regarding his aggressive behavior in class, her response…“Well, I don’t mind him being angry and fighting, because honestly? At least he won’t grow up to be gay.” THAT was her response. The one or two teachers that did speak up spoke well and told her that regardless of her ideologies, this behavior cannot and will not be tolerated.
He ended up moving schools—thank God.
7. Or Else…
I used to work at a toy store, so I’ve had to listen to some pretty ridiculous things. What stuck with me most, though, was a 9-year-old boy who warned his mother that they had better leave with a Nerf gun or else she knew what he’d do when they get home. The look on his face was akin to that of a person who purposely belittles their spouse in public.
8. What Are They Teaching in Special Ed?
Seventh grade, the new kid in school, I forgot his name, but he looked like the jerk from 10 Things I Hate About You. He gets egged on to fight the special education kid, we’ll call him Kendal. Sweet kid, Down syndrome, took a long time for him to agree to meet the jerk behind the band hall. He does, the jerk dances in, in front of half the student body, and gets deflected and destroyed.
Every punch he threw turned into a throw or a joint lock. He got tossed and pushed away four times, before on the fifth time, Kendal locks him up again, turns him around and then punts his family jewels into his throat. Good riddance, that stupid jerk deserved it.
9. Cash and Crashed
A group of rich kids who went to high school with me got super drunk at a party and then drove home and crashed the car. Only one of the four of them got in any trouble (she ended up getting maybe 40 hours of community service). Then this girl was complaining about how her parents wouldn’t buy her a brand new, fairly expensive car for her birthday until she got the community service done.
10. Think Fast!
I was on the bus a year or two back and a kid and his mom were seated in front of me. The kid kept screeching about wanting to “press the button” (you press a button to notify the bus driver that you need to get off at the next stop) because he liked the beep it made. Every. Single. Bus stop. This little jerk screeched asking if he could press it yet. Finally, his mom said he could press the button.
I pressed it. It only beeps for the first person to press it. The little brat cried.
11. Can’t Force Fun
I used to be an educational facilitator at a science center. During the school year, I would be the liaison for school trips and during the summer, I would run the kids’ summer camps. Tons of parents used to like to plunk their kids in science camp because it is “educational.” We had a whole pile of hands-on programming.
I have to say, it was pretty fun! Fun unless your kid aggressively hates science and you are forcing them to be there. Enter Jason. Jason was trouble on day one. We welcome them to camp by making liquid nitrogen ice cream. Jason didn’t care at all. He refused to eat “stupid nerd ice cream.” Throughout the day, his attitude got worse.
He refused to participate and called the other kids “nerds” and “losers.” He was an all-around pain in the butt. At pick up, I pulled his mother aside and said, “I don’t think Jason really wants to be here. We can arrange for a refund or see if we can transfer him to another program he will find more to his liking.” His mother replied, “It’s your job to make him want to be here, clearly you suck at it.” Great.
Day two, Jason shows up with an even bigger chip on his shoulder. The day’s activity was engineering! Fort Building! Every kid loves a good fort—except Jason. Jason picked up one of the plastic tubes and cracked a kid across the back of the leg with it. As I ran over to tend to his victim, Jason cracks me across the side of the head with the tube with all his might, breaking my glasses and giving me a decent bruise across the side of the face.
It takes two of us to disarm Jason and separate him from the group. We pull him into the admin office and call his parents to come now. He is no longer welcome. His mother shows up a good three hours later, absolutely livid. Not about Jason’s behavior. Not in the least. There was no apology or understanding. Instead, as we ejected her son from camp, she turned to us as said, “I hope you all get cancer.”
12. One Punch, Many Victims
There was this one girl at our school who wasn’t a bully in the usual sense, she was just mean as heck. Me and the mean girl were on-and-off friends until seventh grade. Then, she just started hating me for god knows what. On KiK, she would tell me to off myself and keep harassing me. Nobody out of the three other people in the group chat did anything about it.
I finally had enough and with permission from my parents, I went to school, waited for her until she got comfortable at her table, and then I went up and punched her in the face. She said later on it didn’t even hurt, but she was crying when it happened. I hid in the bathrooms for the rest of the morning period, then was suspended for three days.
The girl who was harassing me wasn’t in trouble because I couldn’t provide screenshots of her saying it in the group chat. When I came back to school, I got so many high-fives from other people that thought she was mean, and they were cool with what I did.
13. You Wanna Hang Man
My son stared at the corner and said, “Why is that man watching us? And why does his head like this?” Then he turned his head at a sharp angle, similar to how a hanging victim would look. Needless to say, I did not sleep a wink that night. Thanks a lot, kid.
14. Love Letters
I knew a kid in high school who wrote a letter to a friend on our graduation day, telling her that he had always loved her. He also wrote that he wished she had picked him to be her boyfriend and that, if he ever had the chance, he would kill her actual boyfriend so that the two of them could finally be together.
15. High School Heartbreaker
At my senior prom, my (now ex) friend and I were talking about our experiences in high school. Reminiscing. Or at least I was…she was nonstop complaining about how everyone around her hated her, how another friend of mine was annoying and needy, etc. etc. The conversation gets to a point and she just bluntly says to me, “Yeah I know, between the two of us I’m a better person, not that it matters!” As I later learned, she was hooking up with a guy a grade below us who already had a girlfriend.
Who’s the better person now, Mikaela?
16. That Poor Dog!
I used to babysit these kids. The one girl didn’t feel like doing her homework. I told her we only have a couple questions left and that I had been helping her, so it was gonna go by quickly—and we could play games as soon as she was done. In response, she told me that she wished I was dead, threw a bunch of crackers on the floor, kicked her dog in the nuts, and said she was going to blame it all on me and get me fired.
This girl was six years old. Six! Of course, her parents didn’t believe her when she said that I threw food on the floor and assaulted their dog, but there were absolutely no repercussions for what she did. They just turned their heads, put their hands on their hips and were like, “What did we say about lying?” I couldn’t believe my eyes.
17. Row Row Row Your Boat
A girl at my high school used to complain that her boat was a foot short of being a yacht. Not her family’s boat. They had a different boat. This was her boat.
18. Size Matters to the Little One
I used to nanny for a wealthy family in the upper east side of Manhattan. Got engaged to my now-husband. Boy, age eight or nine, thought my ring was super cool and unique because he “never saw one that small before.”
19. The Experience Pays off
I worked at a Chuck E Cheese one year. Some little kid keeps getting pissed because he can’t win many tickets from a game. Kid begins to kick and scream. Toss stuff around, etc. I think he tried to hit one of the animatronics. When someone tried to get him to stop he pulled the, “DO YOU KNOW WHO MY DAD IS? DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE CAN DO TO YOU?”
We all just shook our heads and didn’t know what to say. Was his dad the owner? Rich? etc? “Tell me what I can do.” We see this guy in a business suit just standing there with a really pissed off look on his face. It was the kind of face that you look at and wonder if this man ever smiled. The kid just froze up and muttered something.
The man apologized and walked away. He came back a few hours later and gave all the employees gifts. I got an Xbox 360. One of the first generation ones. I still have it with me if anyone wants a picture. He just gave me the console. No wires, controllers, or anything. I feel like he just went into his son’s room and took it.
20. If You Can’t Handle the Ball, Don’t Bring Yours to Court
This time, I was the terrible kid. As an arrogant 14-year-old, I was at Sky Zone, a recreational place with a lot of trampolines. I was in the dodgeball section and I told a 20-something man that he was “the number one person on my people to get out list.” This man was put on the other team, and he was a very athletic man. He proceeded to hurl these rubber dodgeballs at what seemed like the speed of sound as he eliminated my entire team three games in a row, saving me for last each game.
Every time he got me alone, he hit me in the crotch in front of all my friends. I should not have messed with him.
21. When Toys Aren’t for Kids
We were talking about the difference between men and women, men have penises and women don’t, blah blah blah. That one boy goes “My mum has a penis too,” and we are going “Oh no sweetie she doesn’t,” but he insists, and it starts becoming uncomfortable. After a while he says, “my mum HAS a penis, only it is not attached to her body, she keeps it in the drawer by the bed.” Kid-logic is so precious.
22. Scab Eater
We had this one guy at our school who would scratch his face compulsively in our math specialist classes. His face looked like he had been mauled by a pack of feral cats every day and during tests, he would often scratch himself so hard he would bleed. Worst of all, he would also pick the scabs and eat proceed to eat them.
I just wanted to stick a cone of shame on him or just dump antibiotics on his face so it wouldn’t get infected.
23. And for My Next Trick!
I was napping on the couch and my then three-year-old was standing there with a felt toy in the shape of a saw. I woke up to him saying, “I’m going to saw mommy’s head off!!” Uhhhh….nope.
24. A One-Passenger Kind of Brain
When we were kids, my ex-friend was complaining about how she was so nice and always there for other people, but no one was there for her. In an attempt to empathize, I said, “I understand entirely. I felt the same way when—“ She cut me off mid-sentence to say, “No offense, but I don’t have the capacity to deal with your problems.” She then went on to talk about her dad blowing up babies in Vietnam.
25. Get a Kick out of This Story
We had a kid in 6th grade, let’s call him Tim. Tim was constantly getting in trouble for not listening to the teacher. One day, Tim and the teacher got into an argument. The teacher told Tim to step out of the classroom and wait in the hall so they could talk. On his way out, Tim slammed the door extremely hard, with the echo bellowing throughout the entire school.
The teacher then told Tim to go to the office, and he closed the door, only for Tim to start running and kicking the door over and over again. The teacher walked up to the door and locked it for our safety, then grabbed his phone to call the office. We couldn’t see anything Tim was doing in the hall because the door was one of those ones with only a tiny window to see through, so what the teacher said on the phone caught us all off guard.
“Hello, yeah, one of my students was misbehaving so I sent him to the office, and he began kicking door. Now he is currently pacing around in circles outside the door with his belt in one hand and…a boomerang in the other.”
26. The Garage is Open But Nobody’s Home
Rich kid in my high school crashed six cars within a year. And they weren’t like 1990’s Toyotas and Hondas most high schoolers buy (themselves); these were brand new Subaru STIs, a BRZ, a BMW, brand new Jeep, stuff like that. The last car his dad bought him was a semi-new Ford focus. A decent car, better than my 1997 white Camry.
Every day he complained and threw a fit his dad wouldn’t buy him another $30,000+ car.
27. Blocking Him out
I remember being like five or something and two kids were hogging all the blocks of one of those big lego block pits in their little castle. I asked for some and he threw it at me. He was probably standing on a stack of blocks to look over the wall, so I tossed one block back knowing he’d throw it back and when he peeked, I tossed it straight to his forehead.
He fell down and probably broke something, but Jesus Christ, that was one heck of a satisfying throw. Right between the eyes, I remember it clearly.
28. No Shame
A boy in my year one class peed in the sink. When his dad came to collect him, I told him his son had been in trouble and why. The dad’s response was, “So, what’s wrong with that!”
29. Catfishes Never End Happily
We had this girl in middle school who would purposely make up crazy lies for the sake of impressing her classmates. For instance, she once claimed that she was related to Nicki Minaj. The thing is, after a while, we all figured it was a load of bull, but silently we agreed to just nod our heads whenever she came to share another “jaw-dropping story.”
Well, turns out our tolerance created this illusion that her plan was working, and she must’ve felt as if she was getting the attention she craved, which worsened the situation. We were in seventh grade at the time, and she was crushing real bad on a dude who was a year older. Instead of walking up to him and trying to befriend the kid, she makes a whole fake Instagram account, which she used to DM him.
She set up a different name and surname, found a hot model with a relatively small following, and used her to catfish the guy. They began texting, which became a regular everyday occurrence. He’d send her good morning and goodnight selfies, and she took ages to reply because she was constantly searching for a fitting picture.
This fake girl was “supposedly” from a whole other state. They kept texting for several months, nobody knew except for me and a few other people from our class, but we weren’t spreading the story. To be honest, I wasn’t very interested anyway. Well, turned out the guy had booked plane tickets to go visit the nonexistent hot chick he’s been talking to non-stop.
He flew to a completely different state hoping to meet the love of his life in person. He had relatives there I’m pretty sure, so he stayed with them. He shared all this with the fake girl after landing. She had to confess and tell him about everything. The girl moved schools after that and her story spread like a wildfire. Not sure what went on with the guy.
30. Something to Look Forward To
We were on a long drive through central/Western Pennsylvania—all farms, hills, forests, and low mountains. My five-year-old, out of nowhere says, “This will look really cool as a wasteland. You know, after everyone dies.” As much as we asked, he didn’t elaborate on that.
31. Don’t Play With Fire
This one psycho kid regularly put a lighter to his hair in the computer labs to make the teachers think a computer was on fire. I suspect they knew what was happening, but had to take the necessary precautions like call the fire brigade. When the same kid was about 13 or 14, he was bullying some girl. The girl’s older brother, about 18, confronted him about it, and the bully put the guy in the hospital.
My wife once surprised me by bringing my son by to see me before I was about to give a presentation on Felony Drug Court. I was standing in front of all the people I was about to present to, when my screaming kid ran in blaring an ear-splitting war cry of “DAAAADYYYY!!!!” before punching me right where the sun don’t shine.
33. Doesn’t Sound Like a Nice Guy, But Okay…
I have a rich kid in my MBA cohort that outsources his homework and projects to India. He whined and moaned when one of our professors gave him a “C” when he only showed up to two classes after “he (dad)” donated $10,000 to school. Overall nice guy but doesn’t really have a clue.
34. Speaking up
Went to see a local high school play set in Nazi Germany, two rich teen girls with their fancy handbags etc sat the row in front of me. They spent the whole show talking quite loudly about how the actors were so bad etc, and at one point said: “This is why I go to private school, so I don’t have to sit through this all day.”
As the intermission began and everyone was applauding the guy sitting next to me leaned forward and told them, “If you shut up you might learn something.” The look on their face was priceless, and I didn’t hear a peep out of them for the rest of the play.
35. Taking a Page Out of Will Smith’s Parenting Book
My first interview with a particularly troubled boy prone to violent outbursts and what not was definitely eye-opening. He’s three at this point and normally I give them more than a month to mellow out and adjust, but I had to see this kid’s parents right away. They came in and the dad sat and said literally nothing the entire time—mom was clearly the one in charge.
I laid out my observations, gave them an idea of the trajectory this kid was on and where he’d be in a couple of years if stuff didn’t get sorted ASAP. Finally, I asked them about their home life and what sort of structure they had in place for him. Mom—None. We let him do whatever he wants. Eye-opening, but not entirely unexpected.
I went through the normal spiel about how kids need some form of structure at home so that they can adjust to structure at school and how rules are important, blah blah blah, you get the idea. That woman looked me in the eye after I finished and said, “No I don’t think so. I’ve read a lot of books so I know better than you.”
I was a decade into my teaching career at this point. It wasn’t like I was fresh out of college or anything. So I metaphorically threw up my hands and wished her well. Three years later, she’s in my office crying her eyes out, seven months pregnant and worried that the monster she created is going to hurt her new baby.
It took every ounce of self-control I had to not whip out an “I told you so.”
36. Some Kids Are Just Weird
There was this kid in elementary school named Ricky. He was the typical attention-seeking kid who was constantly in trouble. He was funny in some cases, but most of the time we had to tell him to please be quiet whenever he spoke up. One afternoon, pretty much everyone was ignoring Ricky and he got upset and excused himself to use the bathroom.
About 20 minutes passed and the teacher asked if another student would go check on him. Then that student was gone a handful of time. So everything stopped and they called the office. Turns out Ricky was in the bathroom lobbing cups of toilet water and whatever else you can imagine at people. I kind of miss Ricky, to be honest.
37. Child Premonitions
I was on the bus, and this little girl and her mom get on. She takes one look at me and bursts into inconsolable tears. Her mom is doing everything she can to make her stop, but all to no avail. Eventually, the mom just says forget it and takes the kid off the bus, but the kid starts wailing more, and says, “Momma, don’t go, that girl is gonna die soon.”
I was a little sketched out for the rest of the day.
38. A Most Delicious Misunderstanding
I wasn’t there when it happened (I had changed schools), but I keep in touch with my old friends. The weird kid (also a friend of mine) had gone up to the “popular kids'” table and told them he had a surprise for them tomorrow. So, of course, they think he’s going to shoot up the school, they have a lockdown, evacuate his class, and an officer goes in to talk to him.
Turns out he bought some donuts for the “popular kids” to try and make friends with them.
39. An Honest Mistake
When pregnant with our second child, we told our first—three years old at the time—that mommy’s belly was so big because there was a baby in there. At a restaurant a couple of days later, a heavy-set woman walks by our table. Daughter shouts out, “Look mom! That lady has a baby in her butt!”
40. Where There’s a Will, There’s a Brat
He was 25 years old when I knew him, but might as well have been a child. His father owned oilfields. He had a credit card that he used for anything and everything, which his parents paid the balance on every month. He never even kept track of what was charged on it, just bought whatever caught his fancy. He openly and shamelessly admitted that he had offered his college professor money to give him a passing grade.
One day, he was cranky about something and said, “I wish my parents would just die, so I could have their money. Why should I have to wait?”
41. Taking Care of Business
When I was in about third grade there was a seventh-grader who rode my bus who decided he was going to kick my butt at the end of the day when we got off. I don’t remember the reason, but it was something stupid and he was just being a bully picking on the chubby kid. Anyway, a bunch of eighth-graders heard about it and they get off and beat HIS butt for picking on a kid almost half his age.
Later that evening my mom gets a call from his complaining that I got people to beat up her son, but once the details came out he just got in more trouble and my mom was attempting to stifle her laughter.
42. Setting a Terrible Example
We were watching a video in class about the nutrition in different foods. A woman starts talking about pizza’s nutritional content and a young man calls her a “fat pig,” shouting it out in front of the class. I phone home to let the parents know why I have this young lad in detention. The next day, I hear from another student who got a lift with him to school that the parent was playing the voicemail on speaker in the car and laughing about the whole thing.
43. I Hope Rachel Got the Counseling She Needed
Death note Rachel. She wore the same all-black outfit every day. One day, someone discovered she’d been making a death list, numbered, of people from the school. Terrifyingly, my good friend “made the cut.” Surprisingly, Rachel was not suspended.
44. Private Eyes
I was vacationing at a big cabin in the mountains for a week for a family reunion. It was a Girl Scout cabin, so it was HUGE. My two-year-old niece was there. Fearless little thing. I’d seriously never seen her scared before. She was the kind of kid that would happily toddle into the forest after a bear if you let her. At the time she was just learning how to talk, so her sentences were one or two words.
About three or four days into the stay, I was in the kitchen helping out with lunch when she came in. I gave her a snack and a drink and sent her out. Not a minute later I heard the most bloodcurdling scream. It was horrible. I’ve never heard a sound quite like it since. It sounded like an animal caught in a trap…but it was human. It was my niece.
I raced out into the hallway to see my niece running towards me, face contorted in horror. There were tears streaming down her face as she leaped into my arms and screamed: “Run. Baby. Eyes. EYES. RUN!” She was shaking like a leaf, but clawing my neck and clothes trying to get me to run. At one point she pointed down the empty hallway, still screaming about eyes.
There were no windows, just a locked door. A blank hallway. By then the rest of the family had come crowding around to see what was going on. I couldn’t explain it and neither could she. Just “Baby. Eyes. Baby,” and then she’d meltdown all over again. This happened two more times during our stay. Once I was holding her upstairs and tried to sit on a couch when she began to scream again, pointing at the couch and telling me to run.
Her finger followed “something” down the hallway and into the empty bunk room. Another time, she was running around playing with her cousins when I heard her screaming my name. I found her in the empty bunkroom inconsolable. After that, she kept trying to leave. Thankfully we were close to the end of our stay, but all doors needed to be locked to keep her from escaping.
She wanted out of there. For a long time after that, you could not mention the incident without her falling apart, crying about the “ghost baby” again. It became taboo to mention it around her. Eventually, the family came up with their own explanation, that she must have seen one of her cousins sleeping upstairs and gotten scared by the blanket moving.
They treat it like a joke now. I was the only real witness all three times though…and I can tell you that that is NOT what freaked her out. I’m not sure what it was, but it wasn’t another child.
45. All’s Well That Smells Bad
I knew this kid who smelled terrible. He’d walk in a room, and this disgusting stench would follow him, like some sort of cloud of garbage-scented air. If you were in class with him, it would permeate the entire room. Anyway, one time one of the teachers found a toenail in his locker. He had some sort of fungal infection on his feet and one of his nails fell off, which he then proceeded to take and save so he could send it to a family member.
Quite possibly the most disgusting and weird event I’ve ever witnessed.
46. Cutting the Cheese
I took my family to a restaurant quite a few years back. The restaurant had wooden seats in their booths. My son thought that it would be a good idea to let a huge fart rip just as we were being seated into the booth. Of course, the sound was extremely magnified coming off of the wooden seat. I was both impressed with how loud it was and embarrassed because I knew that most of the restaurant had to have heard it.
I slowly started looking around to see that most of the patrons in the restaurant were indeed looking directly at our table. Of course, my kid thought nothing of it and acted like it was completely normal.
47. Call It a Bad Harvest
Group of rich high school kids in Montana out driving around, drinking. Found two combines (large farm tractor thingies, worth about $250,000 each) out in a wheat field. Decided to have a demolition derby. Got caught. In the judge’s chambers with the farmer, who just wanted the damages reimbursed. The high-end family lawyers asked what the heck they were thinking when they did it. The response: “Well, you can’t put a price on a good time.” Turns out that was the wrong answer…
48. Good Art Comes From Inside
When I was six years old my mother used to babysit my neighbor Annie. Annie was a very artistic girl; she loved to color and draw everything she saw. One day, I was playing Star Fox 64 on my Nintendo 64 and Annie was watching. Of course, being too absorbed in the game, I never turned around to see her greatest work of art.
My mom walks in the room to check on us and lets out a scream…Annie had made a drawing of a triangular looking ship with a circle around it. It was Star Fox doing a barrel roll…except she didn’t make it with paint. She made it with poop.
49. Fantasy League Gone Wrong
My alma mater made national news again when a “prom draft” ring was exposed, where guys would get together and have a fantasy football style draft over who got to take whom to prom. It was exposed after a girl complained to the administration that she didn’t want to go with the guy who picked her in the draft, and the guy threw a hissy fit because apparently he paid off a bunch of people to get first pick and thus felt he owned her on prom night.
Everyone in the draft was suspended and/or banned from prom, if I remember correctly. Arrogant rich kids are the worst.
50. On to the Next One
I had a five-year-old in the classroom next to mine who would slam kids’ hands in doors, stomp on their feet, and just be violent to any other kid for no reason. His mum—a lawyer—requested he be moved to a different room because it was clearly the teacher’s fault. It continued in his new class, and was still the teacher’s fault.
At the end of the year, he moved to a new school. The new school ended up having to get a Crisis Intervention team because of his behavior, but it was still never his fault.
51. Can’t Get Creepier Than Incest
There was this redneck dude in my art class who usually kept to himself, but would only talk to this one girl who was a year below us. One day, me and my friends saw them making out hard in an empty classroom. I asked him the next day about his girlfriend and he told me with a straight face that his girlfriend was actually his cousin.
Not making this up.
52. Don’t You Be My Neighbor
My son woke me up at about 2 am, and he was very scared. We live in a one-story house, so his window is facing the street on a ground-level. He told me there was a man outside looking back at him. I follow him back, and sure enough, our neighbor was looking into the window. I asked him what he was doing, he didn’t answer.
I called my husband to come and when he got there, he walked away. The next day I asked my neighbor if he recalled the events of that night and he said no.
53. The Tentacles Make the Man
He walked around the halls saying “penis penis penis” or alternatively something that rhymed with that, like “smoke mariweenus, smoke mariweenus.” Ate chewed gum off the floor. Called everyone he didn’t like “a squid.” He never got picked on because if anybody pushed him or anything like that, he would scream at the top of his lungs.
54. Martha Stewart Wouldn’t Approve
It was me. When I was about eight or nine I was going to the bathroom and noticed an open box of nice cotton things on a string wrapped in plastic. “Amazing!” I thought and continued to unwrap every single one of them. I then hung them up around the bathroom in various places (door handle, taps, anywhere they would hang) I even hung them over my ears, tucking the string behind my ear so the nice cotton things sat in front of my ears, like fluffy sideburns.
Anywhoo, so I had been having an excellent time for about half an hour at a guess, and my mum knocked on the door to see why I had been in there so long. I happily opened the door, ready to show my mum my beautiful creation of hanging nice cotton-things. She found it funny, although wasn’t as appreciative as I had hoped she would be.
55. Won’t You Be My Neighbor?
We had just moved to our new house and the neighbors walked up to say hi. My four-year-old walks out of the house naked, sees the neighbors, and proceeds to pee standing up while looking straight at them. She then says “Bet you can’t do that!”
56. Money Can’t Buy Friendship, But It Can Buy a Look the Other Way
The dude who relentlessly bullied me in school was also the son of one of the richest people in the city. One day, a teacher caught him with his hands around my throat, and I was pinned against a wall. We were both taken to the teachers’ meeting room, where it was explained to me that we should try and get along and that we should apologize to each other.
Did I mention his dad also built the flashy new cafeteria for the school that year? He was caught on numerous occasions with me in some state of distress, and every time they found ways to make it both our problem. His dad pumped a lot of money into that school. He also flew his friends on his private airline to Manchester United games so nobody stood up for me because they could lose their privileges.
My saving grace was a lot of his mates in early years of secondary school turned on him in the later years because he was such a jerk.
57. Park Drama
I was at the park with my brother’s wife and their daughter (my niece) and oversaw this exchange: A young kid, probably around 5-7 was being obnoxious. Every 15 minutes or so, his grandparents (I assume) would gather his toys and bring him over to their bench and put him in time out for a few minutes. He threw tantrums, but they would completely ignore him when he screamed and calmly ask him if he was finished.
Time out didn’t start until he stopped crying. He would go back to playing, then get all wound up, and end up in time out again. This happened three or four times in the hour-ish we were at the park. Finally, he made a little girl cry by taunting her that she didn’t have a certain toy and he did. I think it was a Minecraft thing.
The grandparents calmly walked over, took the toy from him, gave it to the little girl, and they left the park. The boy lost his mind the whole time they were leaving.
58. Read the Fine Print
One time, I got a rough draft from a student—who was 16 or 17—that was 90% copied directly from Wikipedia, hyperlinks and all. I couldn’t believe it. I called the mom and explained he would be receiving a zero for the rough draft assignment as a result of plagiarism. She called a conference to defend it because I never explicitly said they couldn’t copy and that he should get another chance because it was a rough draft.
Never mind the Honor Code each student signs at the beginning of the school year that explicitly laid out plagiarism and the standard consequence of a zero, I guess.
59. Whip It Real Good
This guy had an absolute hair-trigger, and would easily snap and threaten people. Suspended multiple times. Two memorable incidents were when he freaked out at an art teacher. After he got mad, he went to his locker and came back with a bullwhip. He made that thing SNAP and sent everyone running, while the teacher barricaded herself in the supply room.
Another time someone made the mistake of teasing him about something and everyone laughed, and he pulled a knife and screamed, “Who wants to be the first to die?!” He was expelled and I’m not sure whatever became of him. If I had to guess, though, I don’t think his life turned out all that well once he became an adult…
60. Prank Calls
A couple of years ago, my older sister (14) and I (11 at the time) were watching our four-year-old sister. She was always a little weird, and said weird stuff, but nothing too bad. Anyway, my sister and I were watching a movie, and fell asleep by accident. When my mom got home she started screaming and shaking us to wake up.
It turns out that, when we were asleep my mom must have called checking in on us, and my little sister picked up and said, “I had to do it mommy, had to kill them, I cut Sissy’s throat,” then hung up. It still scares me sometimes.
61. I’m With Him on the Last Part
The weird kid smelled like he bathed in cat pee every day, and hissed at anyone who ever came near him. He also used to run through the hallways from class to class incessantly—except that wasn’t even the worst part. He then threatened to kill me in a computer lab because I used Internet Explorer instead of Firefox.
62. Caught in a Compromising Position
Does it count if it’s me? My Dad walked in on me squatting over the business end of a hairdryer. I’d just gotten out of the shower and wanted to blast my gooch with warms. So there I was, naked, with my back to my bedroom door, hovering over the hairdryer. I didn’t hear Dad walk in due to the hairdryer. He just yelled “BUSTED!” and walked out.
63. The Right to Bear No Arms
There is a man who lives in our village with no arms. His name is Mr. M. His children attended my son’s nursery, so he had met him many times. We were in a packed doctor’s waiting room one day and Mr. M came in. My son, at full volume, yelled: “Look, mommy! There’s that Mr. M that I told you about. He has no arms! Look! LOOOOK!”
At this point, the whole waiting room, in true British style, have turned their heads in the opposite direction to Mr. M, and are actively trying NOT to look—while similarly avoiding eye-contact with me, and the “disrespectful small child” who draws attention to people’s disabilities. I awkwardly say, “Ah yes, that is Mr. M. We see him at school, don’t we?”
My kid says: “Yeah, he came in to talk to us one day…” I wondered what was coming next. He said, “He drives a car with his feet!” I was hoping he wouldn’t say anything else but he then he said, “He is totally awesome!” I breathed a sigh of relief.
64. A Penny a Day Keeps Jerks Away
Went to HS with this insufferably rich kid. Family had a couch in their home’s elevator. And classical European sculpture (this was in the US). Kid talked down to/about the less fortunate on a regular basis. Once made fun of me for picking a coin up off the ground.
65. Lightsabers Bring out the Real You
We moved into a newly built neighborhood when I was 10, so everyone there had just moved in within about a year. There were a handful of us who were the same age, so we were all trying to make friends with each other at the same time. All of us were on the low end of middle class except for one kid, who was the youngest in his family and his dad had just gotten a seven-figure dismemberment settlement from an accident.
He got whatever he wanted from that point forward. He would flex on us (even though none of us called it that) whenever he could and ended up being one of the worst bullies I had growing up. But one time when we were 11, Attack of the Clones was about to come out and we were all hyped about buying toy lightsabers and fighting with them.
Four or five of us were playing in my house’s unfinished basement, and Spoiled Kid kept bragging about his more-expensive lightsaber and how it would destroy ours in a fight, while sitting on the side and not actually fighting anyone. We all got sick of it and called him out on it, and he came in to fight me and my $9 Qui-Gon saber.
10 seconds in, I accidentally hit his fingers (which happened constantly in these fights) and he immediately started screaming and crying. The rest of us got silent, shocked at how much he was overreacting. He threw his saber across the room and ran out of the house. He kept being a garbage pile until we both graduated and moved away.
But for a long while, no one would let him forget what a whiny baby he was at lightsaber fighting.
66. Placing the Blame Elsewhere
I had this complete nightmare of a student who never did her homework, never studied and did terribly on tests. One day after class, I had a meeting scheduled with her parents to talk about her current F in the class and the possibility of her repeating the course. When the parents got here they proceeded to yell at me and make threats to what they would do if their daughter didn’t pass the class.
They told me I obviously was singling their daughter out and she was doing badly because of me. My god, parents have gotten ridiculous.
67. Delivery by Airmail
My friend was the quiet kid in my school. In our high school drafting class, back when drafting was done on paper, there was another kid harassing him from across the room. After a while, my friend took his t-square (about two feet long, made of wood, and with sharp edges) and whipped it across the room, hitting his harasser square on the side of the head.
The resulting head wound required several stitches.
68. Hope He Learned His Lesson
When my mom was in high school, there was this kid who was always desperate for attention and would do stupid things to get it. Well one day, he decided he would drink poison to get attention. He almost died. He had to be taken to the hospital and have his stomach pumped. He said it felt like worms were eating him from the inside out.
69. She’s a Snack
My cousin, who is three years old, keeps referring to any woman he sees as “tasty.” We would be watching a movie, and he would point out a woman and say, “She’s tasty.” What he means is that she is beautiful. I can’t even walk with him outside because I am afraid he might point out to some woman and say that she is tasty.
70. Medical Drama
My four-year-old likes to play this make-believe game where she is having a baby and needs it “cut out” of her—we have never explained to her what a C-section is. Then the baby always has some sort of deformity, like no eyes or arms or something, and she needs to try again to have a better baby, and she is just going to throw the bad one out.
My wife and I have refused to play this game with her once we noticed the pattern, but now she is drafting her younger sister into it and they love it. I’m torn between making them stop or just being happy they’re playing so nicely together. We have discussed this weird game with our daughter and do monitor it, but overall it just seems harmless despite its creepiness.
71. A Blessing from Above
When I was probably seven years old me and my brother would be hanging out upstairs in our room. But there was only one bathroom in the house and it was downstairs and allll the way on the other side of the house. Our solution: pee in bottles and throw them out the window. Little did we know we threw them out the window to the backyard where my entire extended family was…
72. Mood Swings
My kid screams like a crazy person when he gets upset. Oh my goodness, you would not believe that a human being can produce a sound that unpleasant! But then he does cute stuff and I take the “for sale” ad back down…
73. Save the War for Home
Went to a destination wedding in a Mexico resort. Rich kids rented a golf cart, tore through the streets and flipped the cart (injuring people and causing a huge commotion and traffic jam). A Mexican lady comes out and begins to scold them for their behavior. “You wouldn’t act this way at home!” Rich kid responds, “I promise you we do.”
It was the earnestness of his reply that got me. He really believed that he was placating her with that response. There’s gotta be a German word for something being funny because the other party is aloof to their own behavior.
74. Don’t Toy With This Kid
I worked at Taco Bell in HS. At the time, we had kids’ meals. This kid comes in with his parents and orders a kids’ meal. Apparently, he had been in recently and already had that toy. He started screaming at me to get him another toy. His dad looked at me with an absolutely dejected look on his face and begged me to go get the toy.
I dug through the new box of toys and found one. The kid ripped it out of my hands and ran outside…directly into a rose bush. My coworker was legit laying on the ground laughing.
75. Stupidly Lazy
I was a French teacher and the kid was in Level 1 French class. Clearly, he put his assignment through google translator or something. I confronted him, he admitted to it, so I gave him an F. His family absolutely lost their minds. They claimed I was calling him stupid. Long story short—the principal let him redo the assignment.
76. What a Terrible Club
Not an individual, but a group of kids at my high school would wear tails and pretend they werewolves. They all had their own wolf name, wore contacts that made their eyes look like wolves, and would meet in the woods when there was a full moon to howl at it. Well, for three weeks straight, a member of this group killed themselves every Wednesday. It was strange, to say the least.
Here’s a link to the story. It was written after the second death. The second person was at an alternative school at the time of his death because he had been expelled from my high school.
While changing my daughter in front of the open closet door. She kept looking around me and laughing. I asked her what was so funny. She said, “the man.” To which I replied, “what man?” She then pointed at the closet and said, “the man with the snake neck.” I turn around and nothing was there. I’m afraid to look into the history of my house to see if anyone hung themselves in the closet.
At least she wasn’t scared.
78. Man’s Worst Role Model
When I was like seven years old my entire family was having a barbecue at my house. There were probably like 15 people in total at my house. While enjoying weenies and burgers I noticed my dog dropping a dook in the backyard. For some odd reason, this sparked some kind of mindless epiphany in my head, and I found it would be an excellent idea to follow in his footsteps.
So while everyone was sitting at the table eating, I walked up to the nearest patch of grass and blooped a fat duke in front of everyone right on the grass. EVERYBODY laughed right in my face. It was easily the most embarrassing thing to happen to me. On the bright side though, it was hilarious watching my mom pick up my poop, since she was on the verge of vomiting everywhere.
79. Armed and Dangerous
I once got called into my son’s kindergarten because he had been using his poop as a weapon to fling at other kids in his class.
80. Fast and Furiously Spoiled
In high school, this one rich kid was bragging that he got in his third fender bender in his “old” car (three years old) that his parents gave him, but he hated, so his parents were buying him an entirely new (current year) car to incentivize him to drive better.
Was at a family event for my girlfriend at the time. One of her cousin’s kids was just running around making a ruckus in spite of the numerous times his parents told him to settle down. Eventually, he took an interest in the motion-activated glade air freshener on a counter (It had been turned off because it would be spraying nonstop with all the people around).
So this little six-year-old bugger is standing on his tiptoes ignoring the constant warnings of “don’t touch that, please” and reeeeeaching over pushing buttons and eventually it happens. He flips the switch to “on” and three seconds later gets a direct blast of Glade to the face.
82. But Mama Said
I teach elementary music but I also assist in before school care. There was one boy in third grade that was sitting at a table with several other students. One girl was attempting to engage with the boy and he abruptly stood up, pointed at the girl, and screamed: “YOU ARE THE DEVIL.” Obviously, at this age, there needs to be an intervention, because you can’t talk to others in that fashion or with that language.
We always try and talk through emotions rather than explode. We call the mom and explain the situation. The mom’s first and only response was, “Well, if he called her the devil, she probably is the devil.” Can pretty clearly tell where that behavior comes from.
83. Below the Belt Hits
There was a bully in my high school class who liked to “pants” other guys. His goal was usually to get both the pants and the boxers, leaving the victim’s genitals blowing in the breeze. After gym, the bully decided his target was a guy named Dan. Dan was a brilliant yet awkward guy, definitely on the spectrum. Dan was a tall gangly guy and an easy target.
However, Dan had a secret. He had just received his black belt in jiu-jitsu and was fully capable of absolutely messing stuff up. I think you see where this is going. Anyway, the bully struts up to Dan and yanks his shorts down. Shorts, boxers, everything. Dan is left standing there fully on display with the whole class laughing at him.
Dan calmly stepped out of his downed shorts and put the bully into some crazy hold. Once he got the bully to squeal, he flipped him over his back onto the bleachers. The gym teacher saw the whole thing. The bully suffered a broken leg, missed out on his entire senior year of athletics, and was suspended. Dan received a warning not to break the legs of any more classmates.
84. Work What Your Dad’s Girlfriend Has Got
Oh boy. I was watching the Victoria Secret Fashion show. I was around eight so I was not interested in girls. But they were wearing underwear that looked comfortable. I knew I could find a pair in my dad’s drawer. Now I didn’t have a mom, so this was from his girlfriend we didn’t know about. So me and my brother put a pair on, took everything else off, and started doing flips off the bunk bed.
My grandma hears all the commotion and walks into my dad’s room only to see me and my brother flipping off a bunk bed wearing nothing but girls’ underwear.
85. Making a Federal Case Out of It
My kid went through a phase of having constant tantrums and explosive meltdowns over absolutely everything. Like hourly, for as long as she was awake. Thankfully, it only lasted for a few months, but it was severely exhausting and depressing at the time.
86. Soul Music
At three years old, my daughter made up something called the “F Word Song” and decided to sing it the one time when my very religious and conservative mother was babysitting. The lyrics went something like this: “F*** f*** f*** f***; don’t say f***; f*** is a bad word!” And repeat. All day long. That girl has no filter!
87. Food for Thought
My son came home from kindergarten with his backpack full of canned food. When pressed about the issue, he confidently stated that he had told his teacher that he was hungry and that we didn’t have any food at home. They had sent him home with donations for those in need! We got him to return the food the next day. It’s a funny story we love to tell now, but talk about embarrassing!!!
88. It Didn’t Have His Back
There was this weird kid named Gavin who sat in the front row of my nutrition class. One day, he was not in class (he never missed class). So, as the teacher is doing attendance, she asks “Where’s Gavin?” Just as she says this, everyone looks outside to see Gavin throw his backpack down a couple flights of stairs, jump down the stairs, and begin beating his backpack with a baseball bat.
The teacher silently walked over and closed the blinds as the entire class burst out in laughter. Had to be one of the most hilarious moments in my high school experience.
89. Most Likely to Be a True Crime
The weird kid at our school would talk to himself and sit in the hallways reciting as many digits of pi as he could. He was a small, harmless kid who everyone treated well because he was endearingly weird, if that makes sense. Then he murdered a girl immediately after graduation and hid her body in his bathtub. We were all so wrong about him.
90. Never Her Fault
I go to school with a girl who finds a way to blame others for all her wrongdoings. She failed a class three times for not doing the coursework or going to class. Claimed the teacher was out to get her. People constantly walk out of her life because they’re sick of her gossiping about them. Claimed she is such a loyal friend, so (insert name) must be a total witch.
Puts down a friend because “she’s way too confident.” Doesn’t understand why that friend doesn’t hang out with her anymore. Someone called her out for always putting people down. She complained about how mean that person is. She. Is. The. Worst.
91. Leader of the Pack
My little sister (seven years old) always talks about eating people and how blood tastes just like metal, which tastes good in her opinion. Not only that, but she is also going through a phase where she thinks that she is an actual wolf. I don’t know what to do anymore.
92. Drinking Problem
I was with a group of friends and was asked if I drink. I said I don’t really, and my daughter shouted out, “But Mom, you drink all the time!” She was totally unaware of the difference between drinking alcohol and drinking everything else. I was mortified.
93. Importance of Accessorizing
I overheard a girl tell her mom, “Her eyes are pretty,” referring to the new daycare employee. She then went on to say: “I wanna wear them on my charm bracelet.”
94. This One’s Rather Straightforward
Masturbating Wyatt. It’s all in the name.
95. Someone Wants a Knuckle Sandwich
Was riding the bus home from school one day. Bunch of jerks messing around in the back, throwing food and other junk. A quiet, overweight kid sat in front of them, minding his own business when one of the jerks thought it would be funny to shove an old sandwich in his face and call him fat boy. The quiet kid stood up and knocked him out in a single hit, then grabbed his bag and walked up to the front of the bus and got off at his stop as if nothing happened.
Neil Armstrong’s nephew or grandson or whatever was attending Space Camp the same week I was. There were many rumors of him being a little brat. It was confirmed true that almost every day he was at risk of getting kicked out. The last day of camp Neil actually spoke to a huge crowd of space nerds. Minutes before the speech, that little brat got kicked out, publicly, in front of mostly everyone at the camp. Neil must have been so embarrassed.
97. A Serious Effort at Discipline
My nephew (by marriage) is a jerk. I had to drive him once and he kept messing around with the windows, so I locked them. Then he started incessantly pushing my door lock buttons. So I stopped holding back farts and stopped opening the windows. And let me tell ya, this was during a phase in my life where my farts smelled like I might be suffering from some sort of colonic necrosis.
He gagged and sputtered and threatened to throw up. It didn’t matter. I just kept farting. In fact, at a certain point I thought I might crap my pants. I didn’t care. I was willing to do it just to make that little bugger suffer a bit. Take that, Evan.
98. Mommy’s Silent but Deadly
Seventh-grade science class. The bully said something about a quiet kid’s mother. I winced, because the quiet kid’s mom was dead. The quiet kid also apparently studied boxing. Who knew? “What did you say about my mom?” WHAM. “What did you say about my mom?” WHAM. Bully was so shocked he did nothing and took the two straight punches to his face.
I don’t think the kid got in trouble, as it happened before the teacher came in.
99. With a Little Help From My Housekeeper
There was a kid at my high school. When he was 14, he had a learner’s permit, but his parents got him a Mercedes-Benz G-Class. Every day, he drove it to school and was determined to park it in the parking lot to show it off. So, he had his housekeeper drive to school with him and her son drove a car behind her to take her back home.
The kicker? The house was only about two miles away from our school.
100. Eat Your Words
A while ago I decided to treat myself to some Burger King. I was having a bad day and had a headache coming on. So I was waiting in line at the BK, when suddenly this woman comes in with a monster of a child. He was out of control, screaming, punching his mother, throwing things around. The mother didn’t pay any attention to him and he continued yelling, “I want a PIE.”
My headache turned into a full-blown migraine. I calmly turned and asked if she could please calm her child down. Immediately she got up in my face, telling me to mind my own business. I nodded and turned around, when the child cried out again how he wants a pie. I then decided to ruin their day in the most devious way I could think of.
When I got to the front of the line I asked the person at the register how many apple pies they have left. They told me and I bought all of them. I ate one and made sure the kid saw me throw the rest in the trash.