When family gets together, it seems everyone expects a Norman Rockwell picture come to life. What often transpires, however, is something a little more like a big messy abstract painting. Cooking catastrophes, family fights, and good old-fashioned bad behavior all contribute to turning a day that should be memorable into something you’d rather forget. So, sit back and enjoy these tragic Reddit tales of turkey days gone horribly wrong.
1. Not Only The Turkey Was Large
One Thanksgiving, my dad’s then-new girlfriend blurted out that my dad has a large schlong. This was at the dinner table in the presence of all his kids, including me, their significant others, and his sister. It was the most awkward moment of my life. I had never seen a woman in her 40s turn that red into the stunned silence that followed when it registered what she’d said.
My dad hid his face in his hands for a solid 5 minutes.
My in-laws have a place at a lake an hour or so from our house. Every time we go, my sister-in-law takes the bedroom with a full bed and toddler bed for herself and her one child who sleeps with her. Her other two children sleep with my in-laws. My husband and our three children are left trying to figure out where to sleep, usually on an air mattress on the living room floor.
Well, this year, we came early and took the room. She is livid, stomping around and slamming doors. She’s been doing this for four hours. My sister-in-law eventually went to bed around midnight, but only after saying for hours that she was going to go to a hotel instead of sleeping in the other bedroom with a twin mattress.
My mother-in-law finally told her this morning she’d better knock it off, and the day has been relatively normal. I basically talked with her like nothing was wrong. Tried the whole kill ’em with kindness approach which seemed to work. It was actually a really good day. The best holiday we have had, in fact. We played board games and laughed…strange considering how it started.
3. Sides On The Side Of What?
We were hosting a group Thanksgiving meal and everyone was bringing what they’d agreed to bring. Two days before, I made a scrumptious roasted squash soup with vadouvan and homemade turkey stock. Last night my husband and I made cranberry sauce. I got up early today to steam a persimmon pudding and roast a few turkey wings so I would have drippings for gravy.
Before my sister and her husband arrived, we assembled the dressing, chopped the potatoes to boil for mashing, and laid out a beautiful meat and cheese platter. My sister and brother-in-law arrived with pumpkin pie and the makings for a beet and farro salad. I asked her where the turkey was and she thought I was joking. At the exact same moment, our stomachs dropped. Both my sister and I thought each other was cooking the turkey.
We are all full, having eaten all the sides, but dang am I ever craving a leftover turkey sandwich!
4. ISO Brazilian
So my 80-year-old grandma spent the whole day making a delicious Thanksgiving dinner. My 12-year-old cousin wouldn’t eat any of it for a very confusing reason: He said it “wasn’t Brazilian.” His parents are 100% Italian and we do not have any Brazilian relatives. His parents are brain surgeons so they’re loaded, and their excuse was that he doesn’t eat homemade stuff.
Apparently, the kid only eats “high end.” Whatever that means. I have no idea what that had to do with Brazilian food but I’m assuming it’s some sort of phase he’s going through. I don’t even think he’s had Brazilian food before.
5. Drive Thru Thanksgiving
So, my wife, son and I live with my mother-in-law and her dog. A couple of weeks ago her dog bit me on the leg. My mother-in-law proceeded to laugh her head off about this. I asked her in a not so polite tone, why she would laugh as her dog was still chewing on my leg. She got mad at my disrespect of her, and kicked me out of the house.
My son and I literally live in my car because she kicked us out—and because my former fiancé stayed instead of coming with us. So, when the mother-in-law sends me a text with a “Happy Thanksgiving” gif first thing this morning, I get angry. I mean, my son didn’t get to eat a real meal today, and she doesn’t seem to care.
She was definitely laughing, and she thought she’d continue her joke today. I took the high road though and I ignored her like an adult.
6. Cat Ruins Thanksgiving
I went to my son’s house for Thanksgiving. Now, he and his wife have two dogs and a cat, but, to be careful, they locked the cat up, because it has a habit of climbing where it shouldn’t. Someone else stopped by, and we all stepped outside to have a chat. While this was happening, somehow the cat got out of the room it had been confined to for the evening.
While we had our chat outside, the cat knocked the platter of already carved turkey onto the floor. Everyone came back into the house to find two very happy dogs and a cat enjoying a turkey feast. Most of the family was unhappy, but I must say it was the most entertaining thing I’d seen all year.
7. Dad Pulls Jerky Move
Unfortunately, every fall I typically work 12 hour shifts every single day from September to early December. I do not get even a single day off during that time and almost always work Halloween and Thanksgiving. Well, this year I actually got Thanksgiving off. Awesome. So, I could actually eat something that isn’t Subway for once.
So, the night before I buy stuff for pot roast to cook on Thanksgiving day to share with what little family I care about. I bought the last four roasts they had for $60. Just enough to feed everybody. Nope. My dad apparently decided, while I was asleep, to take every bit of meat and make stupid beef jerky with it in the middle of the night. He did this knowing that I was making pot roast.
And want to know the worst part? He made it all for himself. He just took it out of the dehydrator, put them in ziploc bags, and stored them away in his truck so no one else could get to it. He then had the audacity to suggest getting more roasts that morning, which I could not do due to everything being closed. I had to call everyone else I invited that Thanksgiving dinner was called off.
He proceeded to get pissy with me later on because he was hungry and I told him we weren’t eating anything because he ruined what I bought last night. I ended up stealing $60 off of him before he left to go home. I hope that jerky makes him feel sick. I didn’t eat anything on Thanksgiving and it’s back to Subway every day for the next few weeks.
My dad is also not invited to Christmas. He can kick bricks somewhere else.
8. Bottoms Up!
This year, my mom dominated the Thanksgiving dinner conversation about how everyone should be drinking their pee—for a solid 45 minutes. She read in some yoga book about how it cures some infection called “Bali belly” that you get in places like, you guessed it, Bali. But also that it’s actually just really helpful for all sorts of things.
She went way into detail about how you have to catch it mid stream of the first pee of the morning blah blah blah. By the end she was defending it so thoroughly she said she was going to start tomorrow morning. She never did, and now denies the conversation lasted more than five minutes and blames it on the fact that everyone was egging her on.
9. It’s The Thought That Counts
I just got out of the hospital and can’t really get up or around yet, so I was gloomy about not being able to go to Thanksgiving at our family’s house with my hubby and daughter. Hubby and I agreed it was important for our daughter that he take her even if only for a short time. Incidentally, we have a friend of my husband’s staying with us currently: a bachelor of 55 years. I’ll call him Bach.
So, Bach goes out and does some shopping Wednesday morning without telling a soul. Upon returning he sets about cooking. He is in the kitchen on and off shooing everyone away for the next 30 hours or so. To the extent of calling in pizza for supper to keep us out of the room. Hubs and my daughter leave for our family’s dinner and not long after Bach knocks at my door where I was laying in bed feeling quite sorry for myself.
I allowed him to open it and there he stood with a mounding Thanksgiving plate that contained everything—not a detail missed. I cried my eyes out and thanked him because I know Bach doesn’t cook. He’d done it just to make me feel better. It looked wonderful and smelled even better. Then I took one bite, and my blood ran cold. It tasted AWFUL.
However, the fact he even tackled such a big chore to help me heal is priceless. Thank goodness he knows I have no appetite. So, no drama, but a great unconventional holiday. I guess I need to put away my pity potty. I’m blessed.
10. Dinner At The Hop
My sister-in-law Susan is a control freak. She has to control everything and everyone, causing her relationships with her siblings to suffer. Seriously, I have stories about her controlling tendencies for days. So, my brother-in-law Darryl and his wife Stephanie were scheduled to fly in yesterday, and hadn’t decided yet where they were staying.
Susan basically told him that he and his wife were staying with her for all four days of their stay. Just like “this is what you’re doing and that’s all there is to it” without even consulting him. Darryl countered with, “I’m going to stay two days with you and two days with Sam”—our other other sister-in-law who does not get along with the controlling Susan.
When Darryl told Susan this, she flipped out. She basically told him that he could stay all four days with Sam and that Sam could also pick him up at the airport. She went on to say that she was very hurt, but that he was still welcome at Thanksgiving. Darryl and Stephanie did not attend her Thanksgiving dinner.
My husband and I quickly declined her invitation the minute she sent out the group text. No thanks, I’d rather eat cold McDonald’s fries than eat your bland food and deal with your underhanded insults to my husband and I. We ended up eating at IHOP and had the best omelette and pancakes we’ve ever had.
11. Jet Set Thanksgiving
First of all, my fiance’s family lives in Russia, and mine live in America. So we had two options for Thanksgiving: Russia or America. Before Thanksgiving, my fiance and I went on vacation. Before we could come home, she had a visa interview at the US embassy in Poland. She got the visa, so we were excited and left early to make it back to America in time for Thanksgiving dinner.
The plan was: if we couldn’t make it back in time, her Russian family promised we would celebrate there. When we re-entered Russia, she made it through passport control, but I didn’t. I was detained in a room with four other “disreputables” and refused entry into the country. I had left the country only three weeks earlier and I have a valid visa, but I didn’t realize there was a list of approved countries through which I could enter: Poland was not one of them.
I spent 28 hours wandering the Moscow airport like I was in the movie The Terminal. They told me to buy a ticket out of the country and they would return my passport. I chose Egypt because of convenience: It’s on the approved list so I can hop right back on the plane back to Moscow and this time they’ll let me in.
So, while I’m stuck in Cairo, my family is having dinner in America and my future in-laws are having turkey day in Russia. I did get an upgraded suite in the nicest hotel I’ve ever been in, but I’m alone and eating fava beans.
12. Snapchat Shenanigans
So, my brother cheated on his girlfriend–we’ll call her Lacey—a while back with some nasty girl. He felt terrible, so he told Lacey about it. By the way, my brother and Lacey were together for 12 years, so she was like family to us. He ended up leaving Lacey and moved out. We didn’t know the full story, though: What we didn’t know was that a few months previous to this, the nasty girl he cheated with had added Lacey on Snapchat.
This was months before she found out he cheated. She was literally just spying on their relationship like a creep. So a few weeks after they broke up, Lacey posted on her Snapchat story for people to anonymously ask her questions. That nasty girl proceeded to ask if she wanted to know who the other woman was.
After some FBI digging, we found out her identity and tracked down her Instagram. The nasty girl ended up going out of her way to contact Lacey telling her that she was the other woman, and how she knew he had a girl the entire time, and didn’t care about their relationship at all. The audacity. She was rubbing it in her face so hard, and basically bragging.
Of course we all freaked out and came at her like crazy. My brother ended up bringing that nasty girl to Thanksgiving, knowing darn well our entire family hated her. We ignored her and made rude jabs at her the entire time. I know she was uncomfortable—as she should be. We made it a point to not start drama, but darn it was hard. I nearly felt bad, but that girl is a literal SCUM.
13. Silent Treatment Saves Thanksgiving
I only went to my parents’ place for turkey day so my sister didn’t have to deal with our mother by herself. Here are the highlights of my mother today. She insisted on slamming and throwing utensils today while warming up food. When I asked her to try to be a little more quiet, because it made my anxiety spike, I was told I must be autistic because I should be used to loud noises. That was just the tip of the iceberg.
She then claimed dinner was ruined and terrible because one dish was too cold. Which to her means it didn’t burn her mouth when she ate it. She also didn’t want anyone on their phones at the table or use any electronic devices. This is fine except she had her tablet on the highest volume right next to her with her favorite TV show playing the entire time we ate.
However, my favorite was my mother getting upset that only my father wanted to have pumpkin pie. My boyfriend, sisters and my sister’s boyfriend all chose the gingerbread cookies I had made instead. We all got the silent treatment for a solid hour for that and it was wonderful.
14. A Storm Was Brewing
My father, who’s 48, is the eldest son of four children total. Of these children, one has schizophrenia, one is diagnosed bipolar, one is “normal”—as in he deals with depression and anxiety but is otherwise mentally healthy—and my father is all sorts of messed up mentally. To top it off, there’s been a storm brewing in my family because of political differences. This year, it blew up.
Because my ultra conversative parents were invited to Thanksgiving dinner, it meant my more liberal uncle Auston and his wife decided they did not want to attend. Totally understandable. What is important to note is that my father has had it out with both of these siblings many many times over the years. So, it is not uncommon for them to not want to be there last minute, when they know he will be in attendance.
My father also currently has a spat going with my uncle over some petty thing, and the fact that my dad is so right wing—even though he is and always has been impoverished. Tensions were high going into the night as well, because my 67-year-old grandfather attempted to cancel the gathering to begin with, but my dad had paid for all the food and my grandmother wanted to cook.
Those of us who were in attendance ate once the food was ready, and about an hour later, my father, mother and younger sister arrived. They also ate and everything was fine, aside from my grandfather and father not speaking to each other. This wasn’t terrible though, as they were on total opposite ends of the living room. Then my dad just had to rock the boat.
My dad came over to my grandfather and asked him: “How is Auston?” This was a loaded question as Austin is my uncle who hadn’t come to dinner. My grandpa ignored the question, so my father continued to press, “Is he doing alright?” To which my grandfather responded “Michael, you don’t care about him and have made that clear. I already told you I don’t want to speak about him with you.”
There was a brief silence before my dad gave a slight chuckle, and said, “Yeah, okay. I see about you. I see all about YOU.” He then shot up from where he was seated next to me and told my mom and sister it was time to go. They began to gather their things and my father spun around and began to shout at my grandpa.
“You are an old piece of garbage. You’ve never cared about me. You’re no father to me. You’ve only ever cared about your baby Austin!” It was then that my uncle put himself between my father and grandfather. My grandpa retorted with, “All you ever do is play the victim. You are so disrespectful. I couldn’t imagine ever talking to my father that way!”
This triggered my father to say some more nasty and hateful stuff. This included threatening to put my grandfather “away,” which he took to mean in a cemetery. My grandpa finally got out of his chair, because he felt threatened, and my uncle Nathan managed to get my dad to back away. Not before he told my grandpa that he could come fight him outside.
My grandpa then tells my dad to leave, but he continued to scream hateful stuff to my grandfather. Eventually, however, he did leave and my grandmother was left in tears while my grandfather was apologizing to those of us who remained in his home.
15. Spicing Up The Party
At my Thanksgiving, my boyfriend’s brother brought over these really spicy chips he got at Five Below. I think they are called “the spiciest chips in the world” or something like that. Anyways, both my boyfriend and his brother ate just one of them. About five minutes later, I walk into the kitchen and I see my boyfriend with tears rolling down his face, and stuffing ice cream in his face.
Then he disappeared for a little bit, so I went upstairs and found him lying in the hallway, drenched in sweat and barely able to even speak. He said he threw up, and he wasn’t human for the next little bit. Both their grandparents were calling them idiots.
16. They Could Have Cancelled
Here’s my story of the worst Thanksgiving ever. I went with my girlfriend of two months to pick up her grandfather for Thanksgiving dinner with the family. After a few minutes of knocking on his door and no answer, we got the maintenance guy to let us in his apartment. Upon entering, we were overcome by a foul odor. Then we made a horrifying discovery.
There was her grandfather, dead as a doornail on the couch. He had clearly been there for several days. After calling the authorities and dealing with the logistics of getting her grandfather’s body removed, we went back to have dinner at my girlfriend’s parents’ house. They were a close family, and there were twenty or so people I had never met before crying hysterically and sharing stories about their beloved Pop.
It was traumatizing and painfully awkward, but my girlfriend insisted that I stay. The night ended with everyone getting wasted in the basement while sobbing and listening to old records.
17. Stress And Family Free
We had no drama at Thanksgiving this year—mostly because my wife’s extended family ticked us off last year. It hurt my wife bad. So last year, we ate out for the first time ever. When we came home, I noticed that she was stress-free. This year, she asked me to go out again, which we did today. We went to our local Cracker Barrel and it was good. Above all, my wife is stress-free, which is also good.
18. Thanksgiving Samaritan
I was just about to put my streaks on the grill for Thanksgiving dinner when a 22-year-old woman showed up at my house crying. She said she was lost and asked me if I could help her find her boyfriend’s house. My wife and I had a couple drinks at this point, so I offered to walk her to her boyfriend’s house. All she knew was that he lived near the prison, which was only about a 15 minutes walk from my house. I had no clue what I was getting into.
While we were walking she said that her phone and food stamp debit card got stolen recently so she couldn’t call her boyfriend. We ended up walking the area I thought he would live in based upon her very incomplete description of where he lived. She said that some of the sights looked familiar, but she wasn’t sure if we were in the right area.
At one point we found a patrol officer and she asked him for help, but he said that he was busy responding to a call. After walking a good chunk of my small hometown, we found his house. It was a two-mile or so walk that ended up being just a few blocks from my house. It was a nice walk, my dog enjoyed it and I got to help someone.
She is my daughter’s age, and I didn’t want anything bad to happen to her.
19. He Chose Door Number Three
It was Thanksgiving at my grandparent’s house and my cousin brought her boyfriend for the first time. Everything was fine until the boyfriend went down to the washroom and didn’t come back for a long time. Eventually, the guy came upstairs looking very sheepish. It turned out he’d…er…filled the toilet up and now needed a plunger.
My grandparents have three bathrooms, but he probably picked the downstairs one as it was furthest from where we were all congregating. Ironically, the downstairs bathroom is the only one without a plunger.
20. Thanksgiving Miracle
My 78-year-old father had a massive heart attack in October. Mom just happened to have nitro on hand because she had a heart valve replacement, and is required to carry it ever since. He absolutely would haven’t have survived without it. His LAD was 100% blocked. They couldn’t get a stent in. He had open-heart surgery.
Luckily, the bypass was successful and he did inpatient rehab. He spent weeks, or maybe a month—we were there literally every single day and it felt like a lifetime—in the hospital. At Thanksgiving, all eight of my siblings, several nieces, and nephews, aunts and uncles, friends of the family, the entire world showed up and brought food with them.
The outpouring of love and concern was a sight I won’t soon forget.
21. Diabolical Grandmother
This past Thanksgiving, my grandma, who rarely ever talks, decided to gather up everyone and tell a story. It was totally out of character for her. It was a long story about a woman who was in a loveless marriage and her husband was terrible toward her. The story sounded like an old movie she’d seen or something like that—or so we thought.
The couple in the story eventually has eight children, but the horrible father only likes one of them. Of course, the other siblings start to hate the one that the father loved. While my grandmother went on telling the story, we all slowly started to realize something. This wasn’t a random piece of fiction: It was about my mother. She was the sibling that everyone hated.
It was so dramatic and weirdly diabolical—that my grandmother would tell this story to us all knowing it was the truth. I always wondered why, out of her eight kids, my mom is the least favorite.
22. Pass The Turkey…And The Baby
So, just before Thanksgiving dinner, my mother-in-law wanted to hold my baby. Normally I’d welcome this, but he’d been fussy all day, and I’d finally gotten him to settle for a nap. Fast forward to my mother-in-law locking herself in her room because I wouldn’t let her hold him. I didn’t want him to wake up from being passed from one person to another. So now I’m the bad mom.
23. New Girlfriend Ruins Thanksgiving
My parent’s house had a horrible fire about six months ago and, sadly, my mom didn’t survive. My dad didn’t waste any time and got a new girlfriend a few months later. I’ve only met her twice. But I know more than I want to about this witch. She moved into the house as soon as the repairs were finished. This complete stranger then moved her 10-year-old daughter in as well.
She then completely decorated our childhood home in her family pictures and ugly Texas-themed decor. The icing on the cake is that they didn’t invite either me or my brother to Thanksgiving dinner, which has never happened in either of our lives before. Really hoping 2022 is a better year.
24. He Nailed Thanksgiving
Usually, my wife made turkey dinner, but since she passed I realized it was up to me. So, I really wanted everything to be perfect. Although there were only going to be five of us for dinner, I picked up a 10 kg (22 lb) turkey. I bought it frozen on Saturday, and by Tuesday, it was still rock solid. So, on Wednesday it had to spend the day in the sink covered in water to defrost.
The internet said it should take five to six hours to cook. My friends were coming at three pm so I put it in the oven at nine am. I was faithfully basting it every half hour, and at noon, I thought the skin looked pretty brown, so I grabbed the thermometer and found it was already done! At noon? It took only three hours to cook a 10-kilo bird? What kind of super oven do I have?
So I called up my friends, and said the bird was done and could they come earlier. They said sure. Next was the gravy, which had always been my wife’s specialty. This year, it was up to me. In my opinion, gravy is the cornerstone of the meal. So I’d spent the last week reading and watching videos about how to make gravy. Wow, did I nail it!
The turkey was perfectly cooked, the gravy was amazing, and the night was a huge success. The drama was all in my head about getting the turkey cooked right, and making a decent gravy. Man, am I relieved.
25. They Spread The Love
As usual, all the grandkids came over for Thanksgiving dinner, and they are toddlers. They ran around the house most of the night in a pack, screaming and causing chaos and disorder. Eventually, they made their way to the mantle above the fireplace where they discovered a box that they just couldn’t resist picking up and opening.
The oldest one grabbed handfuls of gray dust out of the box and started throwing it up in the air in the living room, yelling out “it’s snowing mommy!” My aunt stared in shock and horror. Apparently, the kids found the ashes of our aunt’s old cat and couldn’t help but spread the love. I swear this just happened a few hours ago. You can’t make this stuff up.
26. Safe Space Found
I’m the black sheep of my family and also the outcast. Most of my family has disowned me. I spent Thanksgiving in rehab. It’s my tenth day in a 45-day program. I’m done with drinking and drugs. Thanksgiving wasn’t that bad at all. I watched football with the other addicts, and we had a hot meal delivered to us. Holidays are hard for users. I always drink harder on special occasions, so I’m safe in here away from temptation. Wish yall the best. I’ll see ya at Christmas!!
27. It’s All Black And White
I spent Thanksgiving with my best friend’s family. Everyone parked their cars in the front driveway and we were all super careful around my friend’s dad’s car because it’s a new 2020 C8 Corvette. Throughout the day, we played musical cars with the open spot next to the vette. At some point during the day, my friend’s dad noticed that there was a ding in his car.
He’s outraged and begins to try to figure out who did it. He suddenly announced that he can see that there’s white paint in the dent. In a strange and mind-boggling coincidence, of the six of us in attendance, five drive white cars. Someone had definitely railed a door into his rear quarter panel, but there was no visible damage to any of the white cars in the driveway.
It was one of the white cars, but we had no way to know who. For me, it was fun to watch. I’ve also never been happier to be driving a black Camry in my life!
28. Loud Talker Needs To Pipe Down
I’ve been having some mental health struggles and am coming out of an episode where I was having some trouble speaking correctly. I have had episodes before, but this was the first time my speech was impacted so dramatically. I am currently receiving treatment from my shrink and my therapist about it. The big thing is, it also happened at and impacted my work.
I am deeply embarrassed about it because it’s not something that can go unnoticed, and I am afraid it will impact my reputation. So this beautiful Thanksgiving morning I woke up to hear my mom talking on the phone to our dear family friend. Mom was in the next room over, but always talks loudly. Also, she’s always shocked when we tell her we hear her. What I overheard broke my heart.
The entire conversation is about how weird I’ve been talking, about how I was embarrassed about it, and how it happened at work. She discussed all of my other symptoms which most people find very concerning and off-putting. She also had to mention how, because of the episode, my family took my car keys because they don’t think I’m totally safe on the road.
After 20 minutes I hid out in the bedroom with music turned up. So, I guess I got to be the drama that makes everyone feel better about themselves this year.
29. This Thanksgiving Is For The Dogs
I am one of those people who is highly allergic to dogs. I can barely breathe if I’m in the same room as one and I’ve not yet found an anti-allergy med that works. My entire extended family has dogs that they love dearly. If I ask for people to leave dogs home on Thanksgiving, I am a heartless monster who seeks to exclude these noble furry family members.
On the other hand, if I avoid Thanksgiving dinner altogether, I am labeled an unappreciative brat who needs to be part of family holiday celebrations. I often wonder why the same family members who openly tell me they value their pets more than me, get offended when I point out that they value their pets more than me. I guess I can’t win.
30. Blast Interrupts Turkey Day
My family was all sitting at the table eating Thanksgiving dinner when we all heard a loud bang. It turned out an elderly lady who lives next door had tried to do away with a possum the size of a dog with a faulty firearm. I went over to fix the firearm and the firing pin slipped and blew a hole in the wall. The fact that the shells were over ten years old caused the issue. But this nightmare was just beginning.
Next, I had to deal with the still alive possum. It was in the chicken coop and really mad. While I was doing that, I got stuck inside the chicken coop with the possum, and had to fight it with a shovel. This is not how I even remotely expected to spend my Thanksgiving. By the way, the possum is still angry and alive somewhere.
31. Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood This Ain’t
Our neighbor and her daughter were supposed to join us for Thanksgiving. She was responsible for bringing the ham and I made a turkey. In addition to the bird, I also made everything else: charcuterie board, sweet potato pie, slow cooker stuffing, Rotel dip, the whole nine yards. The neighbor called and said she and her daughter were on their way.
Somewhere between “we’re on our way” and actually leaving, the neighbor passed out from drinking too much. Surprise, surprise, she and her daughter aren’t coming. So we ended up eating without her and my seven-year-old bawled because now her friend wasn’t coming and she was looking forward to it. What’s worse is that my mom doesn’t eat turkey. She was counting on the ham. So, you can guess, I was pretty angry.
32. The Turkey Was Glovely
My mom had to work Thanksgiving and she usually cooks. My sister, my girlfriend, and I were all scrambling in the kitchen for hours to make a nice meal and have a plate for my mom when she got home. Well, I used gloves to clean the turkey before dressing it and putting it in to roast. It roasted for over an hour, and was basted twice..then I realized something awful.
So, one of the gloves I was wearing had gotten stuck to the side of the turkey. I guess we didn’t notice it when we put the turkey in the oven. After a few hours, it was all melty and gooey and attached to the wing and the wall of the roaster. We ended up sacrificing the entire wing and getting most of the glove off the wall of the roaster.
Oh and my mom said there was a bag inside the turkey containing the neck, gizzards, liver and heart. She said we should take the neck out, boil it with a little chicken stock, and use that to baste. Turns out that the neck wasn’t in the little baggie—it was still inside the turkey—and I boiled the heart to make the baste by mistake.
There were a couple other close calls with the sides, but nothing major. Surprisingly, everything turned out really well and the food was delicious. My mom said it was the best turkey ever, and we all swore we would never tell her the truth about the glove.
33. Humor: Dry, Turkey: Drier
In the past, my wife’s mom always made a turkey by putting it inside a heavily buttered paper bag and cooking the heck out of it like a Catholic boiling holy water. As a result, my wife grew up only ever having super dry turkey on Thanksgiving—and any other time they had one. They lived in a bush village in Alaska so she didn’t know any other kind of turkey except the dry one her mom served.
I, however, love a nice moist Thanksgiving turkey. So you know darn well I know how to cook a properly juicy bird. I wet brine it for five days, and then dry brine for two. I put it in the roaster first thing in the morning and leave it alone. Pretty simple, really. So every year when it comes out perfect, she jokingly, but sorta seriously, complains it’s not dry enough.
In our over 13 years together, she’s only had one year where she didn’t get to complain because I experimented with methods that year and it was, I’ll be honest, a little dry. It is probably one of my favorite adorable things about her.
34. Mom Takes Center Stage
My boyfriend and I have been dating for just over a year, and his parents haven’t met my mother yet. There’s a very good reason for that, which I’ll get into later. So my boyfriend’s family insisted that she come to Thanksgiving dinner. My stomach dropped, but I couldn’t say no. My father is deceased, and my mother is currently living in a fifth wheel camper that I had to buy for her after getting herself evicted from her apartment.
Long story short, my mother’s a narcissist and gets in everyone’s face about everything all the time. She’s also a severe boozer, pill popper, and constantly has to be high or inebriated. At the dinner, she made us late to eat, hogged the booze, and made sure she had her muscle relaxers, a huge bowl of weed, and an extra drink in her system before we even got there. She was seriously messed up on arrival.
I had warned my boyfriend’s parents beforehand this would probably happen. They all handled it with grace but I was on the verge of having a mental breakdown the entire time. I pleaded with her to not smoke or drink anything or take her wacky pills before we went. I am nothing but a cash cow for her and, if I confront her about her use problems, I’m immediately a terrible person and she cuts me off.
I am also deeply traumatized from the sudden passing of my father in 2017, and feel morally obligated to support her no matter how much she walks on me.
35. Trick Or Turkey
The neighbor’s six-year-old wandered over to our house to see what we were eating for Thanksgiving dinner, because their dinner wasn’t ready yet. He took one look at my cheesy broccoli and my wild rice and mushroom pilaf—the hens and sweet potatoes were still in the oven—and then asked if we had any Halloween candy left.
Fortunately his big brother came over to collect him before I could spitefully spoil his appetite. As drama goes, not that dramatic for our family, but I like to imagine their household in chaos trying to get dinner done and suddenly Mom has a Home-Alone “KEVIN!” moment. Again. And has to send her other kids out like flying monkeys to figure out which house the kid is visiting.
36. Thanksgiving Blow Out
I was on my way to Thanksgiving dinner with my dad when my car tire blew. A homeless woman came by and offered to help us out. She happened to be a former mechanic, and was doing a great job on the tire. Once the tire was repaired my dad was itching to get away from there. He was even getting mad that I didn’t leave right away, because she and I were talking. Then he crossed the line.
When I got to Thanksgiving dinner, he asked why I wanted to talk to “the homeless woman.” I responded: “Right there. I don’t appreciate how you just labeled her like that.” He didn’t have a response. I got her number and I hope to help her out sometime down the road. I was livid with my own dad. How could he label someone, especially someone who just helped me out who didn’t need to?
37. Same Old Story
This Thanksgiving, my 87-year-old grandmother told me for probably the 15th time the story of when my mother was a babe in arms and saw a Black woman for the first time. My grandmother tells this story to illustrate—in her view—how even a baby can see the difference between races. I hate this story on mostly two levels.
Level number one: my grandmother is a proudly prejudiced person and number two, she was abusive to my mother. I hate hearing my grandmother’s gilded reminisces of my mother’s childhood. I’ve told my grandma many times that I don’t like to hear about my mom as a child because “she doesn’t remember it the way you do Grandma,” but she never stops.
Today, after she told the story, I responded by saying, “Yes just like any baby, she was curious about a person she’d never seen before.” To that, Grandma simply changed the subject. I’m so tired of her stories. She even has a “friend” she refers to as “Little Black Doris.”
38. Cheaper By The Dozen
I got a roommate this year, and so I decided to do Thanksgiving at home. I made a ton of deviled eggs. It was the first time I’d made them in a long while. Well, I found out that both my roommate and my boyfriend aren’t fans, and I now have more eggs in me than grandma’s backyard at Easter. I love deviled eggs, I’ll probably eat the rest tomorrow.
Right now, however, it’s two am, and I’m laying siege to the toilet armed with nothing but an egg cannon.
39. Ewwww, Just Ewwwww
My niece and nephew, who are three and four, were wandering around the house. I asked my nephew to get me the pepper. When he returned with nothing, I asked him what had happened. He said he spilled the pepper and that my niece was eating it. I thought my niece shouldn’t be eating pepper, so I went to check up on her.
Turns out it wasn’t pepper: It was my great aunt’s ashes. My niece was licking the floor eating the remains of her great great aunt.
40. The Truth Didn’t Set Him Free
My brother is gay and I’m bi, but neither of us have ever told out parents. So, this Thanksgiving everything was going smoothly at dinner and everywhere else. Slowly, though, I noticed something was…off. There was a bit of tension. I’m allergic to my aunt’s dog so I had to frequently step outside for a breath of fresh air. Sometime after dinner, I noticed my parents and my brother on my grandpa’s second story deck.
I decided to join them on the deck considering it was a nice day out. However, before I made it out there, my brother sternly told me they were having a conversation and for me to go back inside. I thought it was weird but did what he asked. Well, immediately after that he comes in and asks me to move my truck so he can leave, which I did and he left to go home.
There was an obvious change in the mood. I was then texted by one of my friends who informed me my brother announced he came out to my parents. I can only assume how that went, considering my parents are against that lifestyle. The information I got from the event was basically their answer was very cold. That they still love him but don’t believe he’s actually gay.
I will never come out to my parents as bi, because I’m not as brave as he is. I’ve always known he was gay, as he doesn’t have to hide it from me or his friends. But my parents were either in denial or generally didn’t know. I tried getting in touch with him after, but he isn’t responding. Family events in the future will be different I’m sure.
41. A Sweet Mystery
So everyone was trying to get food on the table in a timely manner. Suddenly we realized something was wrong: A large mixing bowl full of yams disappeared into nothing. We have looked absolutely everywhere there is to look and it’s just gone. Nine people are seriously questioning their sanity now. There are lots of things that could have happened to the yams themselves, but the bowl being missing is a real head-scratcher.
42. Unwanted Guest
Two bites into my meal at my mother-in-law’s house, my Ring doorbell alerted me to someone ringing my doorbell. I pulled it up and caught an old man entering my house. I bolted out of my chair and went home. Luckily my mother lives close by. I got home and no one was there. I pulled up the video and saw that the old guy had exited like 20 seconds after he entered.
I could even hear him grumbling: “hrrrm…wrong house.” The funny thing was as we were leaving I thought to myself, did I lock the front door? What are the odds? My food was still warm when I got back to my mother-in-law’s house.
43. A Full House?
My mom’s had some issues that I think my dad has been downplaying. She has good days and bad—but today was bad. Nothing she said made sense, no sentence connected to another sentence, and sometimes the end of a sentence wouldn’t connect to the beginning. And she was very frustrated with everyone that we didn’t understand.
Mom also had conversations with people that weren’t there. She swore people were there that were either dead or hadn’t shown up. It was just my dad, her, and I, so it was very obvious who wasn’t there. She saw me after dinner and said, “I’m so glad you finally made it! You missed it, it was a madhouse earlier with the kids running around.”
I could go on and on, but my dad brushed it off as her just being sleep-deprived. It was kinda like talking to someone who was half awake and half dreaming, but this has happened a few times before, not as bad, but she has refused to see a doctor. The tearjerker was when we gently helped her to understand that all night no one else had been here, and I could see it in her eyes. It broke my heart.
She said, “You’re right. I do need to see someone.” So I guess that’s what we are doing in the morning. I hope she’s having a good day, and it will be easier to bring her.
44. Move It Or Lose It
I had to call a tow truck on some teenager—a friend of a neighbor’s kid—because he wouldn’t move his car that was blocking my mom’s driveway. She told him to move it since she needed to get something for dinner. He answered that he shouldn’t have to move it because it’s a public street. I go get the stuff and then get home.
I again tell him to move it because I want to park up the driveway. He shouts at me that I can find parking up the street. Now he has no car for Thanksgiving and he got a ticket.
45. Hot Tasty Dog
When we were all making dinner it got a little chaotic, and we accidentally spilled some warm turkey grease on one of our dogs. He didn’t seem particularly hurt, but the other six dogs at the house started licking him whenever he walked past. It was funny and sad to see how pathetic he looked being licked by all the other dogs.
46. Photos Spark Question
I had my four-year-old niece ask who was in a picture on my parents’ wall. It was me before I transitioned to male. My family’s WASPy policy of aggressively not talking about anything real meant that all those who heard my niece’s question pretended not to hear her asking. I didn’t mind her asking and was happy to say, “That’s your uncle back when people thought he was a girl.”
However, the uncomfortable avoidance from everyone else was not great. Also, I would love it if they didn’t have 800 pictures of me as a girl and zero of me as myself.
47. Not Only The Dinner Was Half Baked
So we showed up at the in-laws’ place, and my mother-in-law was nowhere to be seen. Usually, she’d be fussing over dinner, but we can’t see her anywhere. Weirder still, my father-in-law was in the kitchen working on an almost finished dinner. We’re told that my mother-in-law wasn’t feeling well and was in the bathroom. My husband went to check on her and came back a while later.
It turns out she was stressed and ornery earlier in the day, so my father-in-law offered her one of his edibles—which he has for medical purposes. She ate her first-ever edible on Thanksgiving, got dinner halfway done, then ended up on the floor of the bathroom with dizzy spells and nausea. By the time we finished up dinner, she had fallen asleep.
We moved her to her bed then ate dinner without her. It was weird.
48. Toast Was Premature
So, it turns out that my 21-year-old sister will graduate from college in less than a month. At Thanksgiving this year my brother went ahead and congratulated her on being the first person in our family to graduate from college without getting pregnant. He quickly realized he’d made a terrible mistake. She started sobbing, got in her car, and drove away. Whoops.
49. Pass The Cranberry Sauce
My grandpa, who has dementia, asked why there was cranberry sauce on his pants and if my mother could clean it up. We all went into shock because no one had made anything with cranberries. The truth was chilling. It turned out he was bleeding from his “man parts.” To the hospital we went, and he had a MASSIVE kidney stone he was trying to push out stuck halfway in his urethra, which also as you guessed, tore it up and made him bleed via urethral rupture.
50. Teetotaler Meets Her Match
It was right in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner when my 17-year-old cousin stood up to say something. We thought he was making a toast, but instead, he announced that he’d gotten a girl pregnant, and she was keeping the baby. Most people laughed until about 30 awkward seconds went by, and one by one we started realizing that he was in fact serious when he started going into details.
My 80-year-old grandma, who hasn’t had a drink of booze in over a decade, took a swig straight out of the bottle.