Sometimes you meet a person and you just wonder: “How are you still alive?” Some people are so dumb that it’s truly amazing they haven’t been felled by their own stupidity. From adults who never learned the basics of everyday living to bosses whose idiocy proves that failing up is a real thing, there’s no shortage of dummies out there. These Redditors came together to share their stories about the stupidest people they’ve ever encountered. Somewhere out there, a village is missing its idiot—and chances are, they’re right here in these stories.
1. Drumstick Dummy
This one blew my mind. My housemate, a 24-year-old post-grad student, did not realize that: 1. You needed to preheat an oven. 2. You needed to defrost frozen meat before cooking it. 3. You need to use a baking tray. I learned this one day after I caught her lining the bottom of our oven with frozen chicken drumsticks.
2. Yogi Bear Knows Better
I used to work in Banff National Park. One day at the end of the tour, I was driving some guests back to their hotel and a woman was adamant that Banff was clearly a very dangerous place to visit since we “just let wild animals run around everywhere! They should be in cages!” I had to fight the urge to throw her off the bus pretty hard. She also insisted that she needed to change the money she got in British Columbia to Alberta currency, which…does not exist.
3. Baby Talk Spanish
A very pregnant checkout girl once heard me and my mom talking to each other in Spanish and asked us if it was hard to learn. Woof, this led to quite the conversation. Apparently, the baby’s father was from South America and, since he had gone home for good, she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to understand the baby.
After an awkward pause, my mom and I explained to her how the baby will speak in English because that’s what she speaks and it will learn it from her. She didn’t seem relieved, so I fear she might have not believed us.
4. As Good as Gold!
I worked at a bank when mobile depositing had just become a “thing.” We understood that some people would take longer to get used to it, but when we received a picture of someone’s cash, we realized that they sent a picture of their cash to us for deposit…because money is money, right? Yeah…it doesn’t work like that at all.
5. Al Dente Massimo
I have many great stories about my former college roommate, but my favorite story is the pasta story. She wanted to make pasta. She put a pot on the stove and poured the noodles in, with no water in the pot, and turned on the stove. After a while, she asked me, “How come these aren’t getting soft like when my mom makes them?”
6. Mixed Up Hybrids
I used to work with a woman who insisted that any animal could reproduce with any other animal. She believed that sperm from any animal was the same and that DNA was irrelevant and didn’t matter. She believed this because she once saw some sickly, possibly deformed puppies and decided that they must have been half dog and half rat.
7. The True Villains to Adulting
My friend who was pushing 40 had literally never paid a bill before. She had gone from living with her parents, to living in a dorm, to living with her parents again until she got married. Then she got divorced and was living on her own for the first time. I got a text from her asking if my power was out too…then she realized it was just her. Her reasoning stunned me.
Her excuse was she never paid attention to the bills because she thought they were “receipts” and that the cost was included in her rent. Her water was cut off a couple of weeks later, and we had to talk about that, too.
8. Poor Breathing Techniques
When one of my nieces had a cold as a toddler, she was breathing through her mouth. But then for some reason, my ex-brother-in-law flipped out because he didn’t want her to get carbon monoxide poisoning from breathing through her mouth because he believed that was the wrong way instead of her nose, which was the “safe” way… ????
9. Making the Bed
I had spent the night at my ex-boyfriend’s place and stayed a bit longer in the morning to help clean the house. I was folding some clothes when I noticed him go from one side of the unmade bed to another without actually doing anything. I looked at him and he looked clueless. He said, “Can you please make the bed? I’ve never done this, no idea where to start.”
I didn’t mean to have a strong reaction to it, but man did it leave me speechless…He was 26 at the time. That day, I realized his mother often visited his house to make the bed and clean… Yeah…
10. What SIDS You Say?
When my daughter was born, we had to see the hospital pediatrician who was an older southern man before we could switch to our usual one. We’re in a tiny exam room and he’s going over the do’s and don’ts for new parents. So, he asks us, “And I assume she will be sleeping in a crib in the nursery?” We respond by saying, “We have a bassinet set up beside the bed to make night feeding easier.”
Then he interjects and says, “She can’t sleep with you!” But we tell him that, “She won’t be in the bed. She has a bassinet beside the bed.” He says to this, “If she sleeps in the same room, there will be too much carbon dioxide and she’ll suffocate. That’s what causes SIDS.” After a short pause, we say, “…then isn’t this exam room unsafe?” We later put in a complaint with the practice and the hospital. That’s some ridiculously incorrect information to be spouting off at people, especially parents who take everything a doctor says as gospel. I can’t even find the logic in that.
11. And That’s the Tea
I asked my husband to make some herbal tea for me the first year we were married. I walked into the kitchen to find him standing over the stove with a mug of water sitting directly on the burner. Poor baby.
12. Solving for X-planation
I teach 6th grade. One time a parent came to me after trying to help their child with math homework and asked, “what number is x worth? It feels like it changes with every problem!” The parent came to me after school without their child because they knew something was wrong and didn’t want to look stupid in front of their kid. This is filed in my brain of parent reactions I can’t fathom along with the mom that year who asked if her child could play piano in marching band.
13. Model Citizen
I was tending bar in LA when one of the cocktail waitresses, an LA model-type asked me to burp her—like a baby. I’m certain she wasn’t flirting since she was waaaaay out of my league, but I’m convinced she was just desperate for attention. She told me she never learned how to burp, like that was a normal thing to not know.
She must have read the revulsion on my face, because as she turned to leave, she let out this deep belly burp that filled the bar. She turned beet red as I called out “You’re welcome.”
14. Clocked Out
I worked at Little Caesars and we were proofing the dough for pizza. My boss said at 7 PM that the dough needed to rise for 12 hours and took out her calculator to do the math. So, I said, “Ummm, that’s gonna be 7 AM.” Then she said the dough will expire in 48 hours and started doing the math again. I told her it would expire two days from now, and she said, “that’s kinda weird how that works out huh?” I quit shortly after that.
15. Time to Go
My friend constantly asked what time it was, so by the sixth time I said “Bro, there is a clock right there.” He was a grown man, yet he replied, “I don’t know how to read it.” Except that’s not even the dumb part. A couple of weeks later, he posted something on Facebook making fun of people who couldn’t read cursive. So I came up with a devastating comeback.
I posted a picture of a clock and said, “What time does this say?” He blocked me. It was worth it.
16. Dumb High-Risk-Ways to Die
I work in highway safety, and I can no longer count on two hands the number of people I’ve stopped with in the middle lane of traffic on a freeway with no bigger problem than a flat tire. When I question them as to why they stopped in the middle of a freeway, the typical answer is either the vehicle wouldn’t go any further, or they don’t want to damage their rim. I swear, people will put the well being of the rim on their car above their own safety and even the safety of their children.
17. She’s Come Undone
I had a roommate in university whose “cooking” method was to put baked beans in a Tupperware, seal the lid, turn on the microwave, and when the lid pops and explodes beans everywhere…they’re cooked. One time, I came home to find the oven on and billowing a bit. I opened the door to find what was an entire lasagna bubbling on the bottom of the oven.
He bought himself a frozen lasagna: Step 1, “remove outer packaging,” Step 2, “place on middle tray of preheated oven.” He literally thought that “outer packaging” was anything outside the lasagna, so he tore away that shell that the lasagna cooks in and placed it straight on the rack, so as it defrosted, it just fell through the rack and all over the oven. Genius.
18. Where’s the Connection?
When I started working from home, I had a few users submit tickets for “connectivity issues.” These tickets got through two lines of support before landing in my queue. After asking a few questions, it turns out that they thought the corporate Wi-Fi would follow them home. They genuinely didn’t realize that they’d need home internet in order to connect to their workplaces.
19. Cracked in the Head
A 19-year-old dude asked me: “How do you cook a fried egg?” I gave him instructions and left him to it. Came back a while later to ask how it went. “Fine in the end, but it took a few attempts because the yolk kept breaking.” I stared at him blankly. “What do you mean kept breaking?” “Well I kept throwing them away because I thought breaking the yolk made it poisonous.”
20. F for Effort
In grade ten, we had a science test, and the teacher gave one point for putting a date on the paper and one point for your name on the paper. And then there were 98 points for the rest of the test. All you had to do to get two automatic points was just your name and late. A guy sitting in front of me got 0.5/100… He didn’t write the date and only wrote his first name…
21. Biting off More Than He Can Digest
I was dating a 19-year-old guy. I explained that eating raw nuts is healthy, so he bought a bag of peanuts. He complained two days later that he was going to stop eating them because they upset his stomach, so I got a free bag of peanuts, yay! He was stunned when he saw me shelling them and eating the nut. Because he was eating them shell and all. For two days. Surprisingly, that relationship did not end well.
22. Bleach Brain
I knew a kid who drank bleach to prove it wouldn’t kill you. A week later, he showed up at school after taking a shot. He said he “proved his point” when the teacher asked why he was bragging about it. Mr. Hawk just said, “but you cannot argue that without that medical treatment you’d have died though. You even said you have stomach damage and a burnt esophagus yourself.” This kid was bragging about that. He was not mentally disabled or otherwise. He was just that dumb.
23. The Inept Ex
My ex didn’t know how to hold a fork properly. All utensils were used by grasping it in a fist. He also didn’t know how to open up baby wipes. He tore open the bag, even though it has a lid, so they don’t dry out. He ignored the lid. Didn’t know how to merge or change lanes. Didn’t know to rinse vegetables or fruits before eating.
24. March Right Back Over Here
Our town was live streaming a holiday parade in case people weren’t able to make it out in person. This included a live chat feature as well. One mother who lived nearby wrote into the chat that her daughter didn’t get outside in time and asked for them to turn around and come back to her street so she could see…????
25. Slip and Slide
My roommate in college was 22, and he had lived in an apartment for three years prior to moving in together. He legitimately did not know how to remove a trash bag from a trash can, had never turned on an oven before, and, my favorite, complained one day that their bathroom was always sopping wet every time they showered. I finally realized that he never put up a shower curtain!
26. Well, That Blew Up in My Face
I knew a girl in high school who really wanted to breathe fire. On her first, and last, attempt, she put the lighter fluid in her mouth and, instead of blowing it onto a flame, she lit it on fire inside her mouth and then tried to blow it out. She came to school the next day with a bandage over half her face.
27. Substitute Ingredient
My ex and I were cooking together. One of the pans got too hot, and we had a minor grease fire. She grabbed a bag of flour. As tempted as I was to slap it out of her hands, I didn’t want to aerate a bunch of flour next to a grease fire, so I grabbed it with both hands and forced it over to the countertop, and then dropped the lid on the pan.
I asked her what her logic was, and she said “Well, you’re supposed to put baking soda on a grease fire and not water, right?” “Yes. Why did you try to use flour?” “What’s the difference? They’re both white powder.”
28. Saw It in a Movie
When I was in high school, we were reading a short story about what would have happened if the Japanese attacked us back with nuclear weapons after Hiroshima and Nagasaki. A girl in my class raised her hand and said something along the lines of “why does this matter? None of it is real anyway.” When the teacher asked her to clarify, the girl (who’s actually half Japanese) told her that the bombings of Japan were just from a movie and didn’t actually happen.
29. Because You’re Hot Then You’re Cold
Our kitchen sink has one tap, two knobs for hot and cold. I walked into the kitchen, and my partner kept switching between hot and cold. I asked him why. His reply was so stupid I was speechless. “Well the hot gets too hot, so I run the cold instead for a bit.” He literally didn’t know you could run both the hot and cold water at the same time.
30. Should’ve Put Your Foot in Your Mouth Instead
My friend had just purchased a new, high-powered bb gun. We had just finished shooting it in the backyard when he points the barrel at my face and pulls the trigger several times. I tell him to stop being dumb, and he just laughs and says, “it’s not loaded!” Then the moron puts the barrel in his mouth and POP! He shoots a bb right through his tongue and into his uvula.
31. Spoiling for Oil
My dad is a mechanic, so I’ve been very lucky to have the importance of vehicle maintenance drilled into my head from a young age. When my now fiancée and I were dating for about 6 months, I needed to change the oil in my car, so I asked when the last time she had changed her oil. She had never changed it, even after owning the car for three years.
32. Just a Pretty Face
A friend of mine in his late 20’s is a sweet guy but is overweight and balding and quite frankly, not very attractive in the face. Well, one day he lets us know that he has met a girl and she might be the one. Well, I’ve met some of the jewels he’s hooked up with in the past so I wasn’t expecting too much. I finally meet this girl, and she is drop dead gorgeous and has a body that is incredible.
I talk to her for a while and she is super friendly and outgoing. I’m stoked for my boy! He found the best he’s ever going to find. The night progresses, and the new couple starts talking about their plans for an upcoming trip to New Mexico, and she starts telling us how excited she is because she has “never gone to another country before.” I laughed a bit and realized she was dead serious. My friend just looked at me and shook his head. That’s when I knew that he knew she was dumb as a rock, but she was his dumb rock.
33. Alarm Bells Are Ringing
My first year at university, a girl in my dormitory was microwaving some food and left it in the metal foil container…yep, massive fire. It took three fire engines to put out the blaze, and we had to have a new kitchen installed. Not to mention, this was at like 3:00 AM and I had an exam the next day. I was not impressed.
34. Jumping All Over
My wife wanted to meet an old friend from school she hadn’t seen for about 20 years. We went to dinner, and he brought his wife along with her 2 kids. He had met her just 2 months prior and she worked as a “male entertainer” (her words). He was white, she was black, and he spent the whole night trying to start fights with people for “making racist comments about their relationship behind their back,” even though no one was.
When we finally got into talking, he told me about 9 “jump points” that exist to get off the Earth. I thought to myself “oh boy, a Flat Earther. I’ve never met a real one before.” But no, that’s not what he was talking about. That would have been so much better than what he was talking about. He said there are 9 jump points on Earth that are essentially wormholes to other planets, and that there is one in New York City that goes to Mars. He also informed me that the American government has already colonized Mars and is hiding it from the people. And he was dead serious.
35. Gobble, Gobble
When I took a food-safe course, someone asked if they could wash a turkey with dish soap. He failed the course.
36. Getting the Wrong Message
I remember proofreading a paper for a freshman that my college roommate had the hots for. It was on Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal, but somehow this freshman didn’t catch that it was satire. The opening lines of the paper are burned into my memory forever. It said, “eating children would not be a good thing to do. In fact, we could say it would be bad.”
37. Lather, Don’t Rinse, Repeat
I once had my ex’s parents coming over and needed some help cleaning the house up to get ready for their arrival. I asked my ex to clean the bathroom for me while I cleaned the kitchen, and left him to it. I went in about a half an hour later and the bathroom was somehow dirtier, but the ex was sitting on the couch chilling.
When I asked him why he hadn’t cleaned the bathroom, he looked at me all confused and said he had. I asked him to come in and pointed out all the soap scum everywhere and how it was clearly not clean. He reiterated that he’d cleaned it. I asked him to show me how. His demonstration still haunts me to this day.
He proceeded to pick up a bar of soap, lather up his hands real good, and just…rub everything. He didn’t even rinse it after. Just rubbed everything with soapy hands. And couldn’t understand why I was staring at him open-mouthed.
38. Might as Well Be Worlds Apart
I live in southern Spain, and I once met a girl from the US who was here on some kind of exchange program. When I asked her about how she was liking Spain so far, she said, “I’m loving it. I just don’t know why the plane took so long to get here. I mean we are just a bit BELOW MEXICO. I really don’t know why the flight was that long.” I told her that we were in Europe, and she didn’t believe me. Her reply was, “Europe? It can’t be. Everyone speaks Spanish so we must be somewhere near Mexico for sure!” She was in university. I still don’t know how or why.
39. The Difficulties of Homeownership
When my friend bought a house, a month into homeownership she called me up and asked, very angry with steam pouring out of her ears, when the city was coming to cut her lawn because it was starting to look like weeds. It was an awkward experience; I had to explain that she needs to cut her own lawn or hire someone.
40. Oh Honey
We had to do a class project on controversial issues where we all got assigned a topic. The teacher went around and just said them to us verbally, like gay marriage and stuff. One girl handed in a full paper and did a big bristol board presentation about “youth in Asia” since the teacher had gone up to her and said “euthanasia.” It was….incredible.
41. If the Shirt Fits
I guess we were still in high school, but we were 18. My buddy Ferris and I were just getting into going to the gym. We went with Ferris’s friend Tom. After working out, in the changing room during some small talk I saw Tom putting on a shirt. Tom put the shirt over his head, but didn’t put his arms through the sleeves. Weird.
He managed to pull the shirt over his torso so that it was adequately on before wiggling all about and bending his arms in odd ways to get them into the sleeves. I didn’t take much notice of it the first few times, but after a few months it was apparent he did this every single time. Tom literally didn’t know how to put on a shirt. At least efficiently.
Eventually, we asked Tom why he put his shirt on like that, and he said something along the lines of, “Wait what, don’t I do it the same way you guys do?” I guess he had never really thought about it before then.
42. Drowning in the Water Under the Bridge
I was working in a French company. We were working with a development team in Vietnam on some IT project. The project manager they reported to in HQ is French. They didn’t like him, and he knew it. Even so, the Vietnamese team did a great job. He wanted to find the correct words to congratulate them, hoping to smoothen the future relationship.
He sent this incredible “thank you” email that said, “When we see the quality of your work, we can only realize how sad it is that we lost you guys as a colony.” The French expats in the Vietnam office told me they were hiding in shame for a full week.
43. Take Her to the Cleaners
My ex-best friend told me that she needed to buy another new vacuum cleaner. It was her third one that month. I asked her what was wrong with it and she said, “It’s not picking things up anymore!” So I asked her if she had dumped out and cleaned the container…to which she responded that she didn’t know that was a thing.
44. Sniffed Out
I once knew this kid who was dumber than snake mittens and just about as useful. He came into our government class claiming that you could still smell the tea spilled into the Boston Harbor during the Boston Tea Party. My government teacher spent the next five minutes explaining to him that that was physically impossible. This kid, after some deliberation, seemingly grasped the concept of time and relented on the topic…or so we thought.
Not five minutes later, he said, “I bet you can still smell it when you’re underwater,” as certain as a man can be. Now at this point we were juniors in high school and for the first time in my life, I was in utter disbelief that a person could have survived under the sheer force of their own stupidity up until that point. Class was completely derailed at this point with the teacher trying to explain to him why you can’t breathe underwater but to no avail.
Bless his heart he tried. He said that he didn’t want a student drowning because he didn’t understand you couldn’t smell underwater, but the kid was dead certain. After that year in class with him I never saw him again. Probably drowned.
45. Who Said Tying Your Shoes Was Easy?
I was a drill sergeant in the US Army. The worst one was the 24-year-old male who didn’t know how to tie his boots. He had gotten through reception and pick up day by tightly lacing his boots and tucking the laces in. As they would loosen up throughout the day, he would just pull them tight again, but never actually tie them.
The first Sunday I noticed his boots were barely staying on as he was marching back from dinner. I asked him what was wrong with them, as it’s common for privates to have the wrong size boots when they get to us. Nope, he just didn’t know how to tie them. At all. Not a single knot. I spent an hour showing him how I tie my boots.
46. Wrong Foot Forward
This is a true story. I worked with a guy who made a bet that his steel toe shoes could stop a freight elevator and tested it with his foot in them still. Exactly what you’d think would happen happened and now his toes are gone. That’s the dumbest person I know.
47. A Different Kettle of Fish
Years ago, I bought a friend an electric kettle as a gift. Her boyfriend came home one night to find her running out the front door of their apartment with the flaming kettle, and she threw it into the street. She was screaming about how it was a piece of junk because when she put it on the stove, over a flame, it caught fire and started to melt.
He was laughing uncontrollably when he asked, “What did you think the cord was for?” They broke up soon after.
48. We Didgeridoo Things Differently
I was traveling with this American dude and I tell him that, “We don’t get snow at Christmas in Australia dude, because it’s summertime.” He nods in agreement and says, “Oh yeah right… You know the heat wouldn’t bother me. I just couldn’t get my head around having Christmas in July. It’s always been December 25 for me” I just say, “…no…it’s…no…don’t worry,” because I really didn’t know what to say.
49. Ahem, Grow up
I worked with a woman who forgot how to cough. She was in her 30s and rarely got sick, and when she came down with a bad cold one winter, she just kept making these pathetic little squeaking sounds. I tried to help, but it’s difficult to explain a natural reflex to someone. I hope she got better eventually.
50. Hiding a Meltdown
Once, my roommate finished ironing his clothes, and he wanted to put the ironing board away, so he put the hot iron on the carpet and put the board away. I came home to find a large speaker from our old entertainment system sitting in the middle of the living room. When I went to move it back, I found the giant patch of melted carpet shaped like the iron. He genuinely thought he could hide it with the speaker.
51. Sheet Smarts
Three months into our freshman year of college, a friend of mine developed a rash. I suggested he look into hypoallergenic sheets and swap out his others. His response made everything terrifyingly clear. “I’ve used the same sheets without cleaning them since we moved in, it’s not the sheets.” Uh, sure buddy, sure.
52. Interior Doctor-ater
My sister-in-law was at a doctor’s appointment when the doctor asked her if her stool was black. Later when she came home, she sat down on one of their black kitchen stools and proceeded to ask my wife how the doctor knew what color they were.
53. She’s Driving Everyone Crazy!
Every Friday, my mother goes grocery shopping. The store is a block away from where she lives and she usually drives there. On this particular day, after she finished shopping, she decided to walk back home. The next morning, she wakes me and my father up in a panic to let us know that her car has been stolen. The cops come, we fill out all the paperwork, and she gets a rental car for the time being.
That’s not even the best part. The following Friday, she drives again to the grocery market and parks the rental right next to her “stolen” car. Now, her car is a champagne-colored Mitsubishi Diamante—not such a common car or color. Nevertheless, when she sees it, she comments on how similar the car looks to hers, but makes nothing else of it.
A few days later, the cops call us to let us know that the car is in the grocery store’s parking lot just one block away from our house. Yea, that call was awkward, to say the least. I’ve got plenty of other stories about her, but this is probably the best one.
54. A Sense of Direction
A person in my office building was standing at the door asking everyone coming and going if they’d seen a GPS unit in the parking lot as they’d lost it bringing it in. They were sobbing, so I figured it must be an expensive model. I helped them look around under cars to see if we could find it, and we talked as we searched for it.
Turns out, they weren’t crying over the price of losing it. They were crying because they didn’t know how they’d get home that night without it. Couldn’t drive home from their job they’d worked at for months with a GPS telling them how.
55. Trying to DUI the Right Thing
This old co-worker of mine is, well, we’ll just say he’s a bit thick headed. His son is a police officer. My co-worker goes out to the bar one night and gets pretty loaded. He then thinks it would be a good idea to drive home. On his way home, he decides maybe that wasn’t such a good idea, and a light bulb goes off in his head. His son could take him home! What does he do? He drives to the police station, drunk as a skunk, willingly walks in the front door, and asks to see his son. The desk officer could tell he was loaded and arrested him on the spot. He ended up getting a DUI.
56. No Shortcuts Allowed
I was out with a friend doing some shopping in a part of a city we’d never been to before. We were in the parking lot of store A and wanted to get to store B, which we could see but there wasn’t a connected road between the two. My friend punches in the store on their iPhone to get directions and it somehow gives a 30-minute route that includes two toll roads.
I thought there was no way it should take that much driving to get there, so I looked at Google Maps and saw we could drive it in about three minutes. My friend? Said no. He simply couldn’t look at the map and then translate it to the real world. He ended up taking the 30 minutes route and paying the tolls because he didn’t trust the map.
57. Frankenstein Battery
I had to jump a friend’s car when it wouldn’t start. It had a hard time, but I finally got it running. She immediately turns off the car and says, “Thanks so much, I’ll call you later!”
58. Getting Steamy in the Meat Department
We played a prank on some chick at my work who honestly had the IQ of a toothbrush. She wasn’t very good at her job, and we only gave her the simplest of tasks. Seriously, even a task like “wash the dishes” required many questions before even being attempted. “Where’s the soap? Where’s the hot water? Will the tap automatically turn off when the sink is full?”
One day, we decided to play a prank on her. We asked her to go to the meat department and get us a bucket of steam for cleaning…A BUCKET OF STEAM! She left the department, and about 10 or 15 minutes later, my buddy Rob phoned me up and said, “Dude….Naomi is here” I start to laugh and say, “Yeah? And what is she doing?”
He says, “I can’t explain it man… it’s like…you have to be here. She’s like, got the hose right, and turned on the hot water. She’s spraying the hose on the ground with one hand, and with the other hand, she’s trying to wave the steam into the bucket. My mind wants to be literally rolling on the floor laughing at her but….I’m not. I think you’ve broken me…” I have never laughed so hard in my life. She did this for about 45 minutes before the manager called her back to the Deli.
59. Special Unit of Measurement
My friend’s brother is definitely the stupidest person I’ve ever met. I was always nice to him, but wow, he was not a smart guy. One time, my friend had bought a new 42″ LCD TV. His brother comes in the room and starts making small talk. He said, “I just bought a new TV, too. It’s bigger than that though.” I reply, “Oh, you bought one, too? How big is it?” He looks at the TV, measures it up, and says, I swear on my life, “Ah, I dunno, it’s like…5…dicks bigger.”
Needless to say, I totally lost my mind with laughter, and he winds up leaving the room because I can’t stop.
60. Are You Chicken?
There was one girl living in my university dorm who always bought chicken and kept it in the cupboard, despite being told by pretty much everyone else in the apartment that it was meant to go in the fridge or freezer. She flat out refused to listen, and she kept putting the chicken in the cupboard. I don’t know how she didn’t get sick.
61. Different Schools of Thought
A former co-worker was talking about how she wanted to go back to school to get her Master’s degree because she only had a “bachelorette” degree and wanted more job opportunities. I asked her, “do you mean a bachelor’s degree?” She INSISTED it was pronounced bachelorette when it was given to a woman. Then she led me back to her office and pointed at her diploma to the word Baccalaureate, and said, “SEE?! Bachelorette!”
62. You Say Potato, I Say…
I had a roommate who didn’t eat potato for almost a year. Why? He didn’t know how to peel them and didn’t want to try, even though we all tried to teach him. He only started eating them when he realized he could buy them pre-prepared.
63. It’s Been a Privilege
In college, I had a friend named Mally. She was a couple of years younger than the rest of the people in our group and still lived at home with her parents. They had very strict cultural beliefs about how an unmarried woman should not live away from home. Still, her dad was a doctor and also had family money, so they were quite wealthy for our area.
The sort of wealthy, where, for her 16th birthday, they bought her a Porsche, and when they didn’t think she thanked them adequately for it, they returned it. Anyway, I remember when the group of us were at some of the guys’ on-campus apartment, their toilet clogged. Mally, without really blinking, said we should call our plumber to get it fixed.
Of course, the guys were like “Uh, no? It’s just clogged. Why would we call a plumber?” to which Mally, who was very confused, replied, “Because that’s what plumbers do? Why would you do it yourself?” So we then explained first, how expensive plumbers are, and second, how the average person does not call a plumber for a slightly clogged toilet. But it took an even more ridiculous turn.
Mally was confused and then asked, “Well, what do you do when a light bulb burns out? Change it yourself?” and obviously, we were all nodding and saying “Yeah, absolutely.” So that was when we discovered just how sheltered and out of touch Mally was with how normal people do things. We specifically learned that she didn’t know how to change a light bulb. Or anything, really.
By anything I mean: change a light bulb, plunge a toilet, cook anything, put gas in her car. All because either their maids did it for her or her dad did. It blew her mind when we explained that those are very normal things to know how to do. Eventually, we ended up showing her how to do all those things for herself.
64. Had to Be There
I’ve got two little girls who were born 15 months apart. They look pretty similar, and we get asked if they’re twins pretty often. Even though one is quite a bit taller, you’d be forgiven for thinking they were fraternal twins. But yeah… I once got into an argument with somebody over whether my daughters are twins or not. It wasn’t until I pointed out that I was literally there watching them being birthed that they finally conceded.
65. All About Labels
I worked with a lady who was talking about how one of her friends had lost a bunch of weight. She pondered, “I wonder how many diet cokes she had to drink to do that.” This was the same lady who was convinced beyond repair that when you sneeze, the air ONLY comes out of your nose. There was no convincing her otherwise.
66. Take This Sitting Down
My girlfriend’s grandfather had started to be, let’s say “less accurate when peeing” standing and leaving a mess in the washroom. I suggested that there’s nothing wrong with sitting down for peeing and that would make life easier for everybody. All her family stared at me in shock. That’s when I learned my girlfriend and her family didn’t know that males can pee while sitting.
Everybody in that family thought that as a male, the only physical way to pee is standing. I was almost asked to demonstrate in front of them that it was possible.
67. Catching the Red-Eye
For as long as I can remember, my father had red eyes after showering. I didn’t even think about it. Then one day as a teenager, a friend slept over and in the morning she saw my dad dressed and ready for work, freshly showered and red-eyed. Timidly, she approached and asked him why his eyes were red. His answer made me look at him completely differently.
He simply said “shampoo.” She then, very carefully and as respectfully as she could muster, asked him why he didn’t close his eyes when he shampooed. He laughed and said “What do you think, I’m an idiot? Closing my eyes in the shower! Sheesh!” My dad did a lot of things that embarrassed me…But that one was prettttty high up there.
68. Right Before Your Eyes
I worked in retail for a few years, and it taught me that many people are either incapable or unwilling to read. I have had people walk up to me to ask me how much something is only for the price tag to be featured prominently on the item. It usually goes with me saying, “it’s $9.99, ma’am,” which is usually followed with a very loud, “HOW DID YOU KNOW?” I finally concede with, “it says so on the price tag, ma’am.”
69. Fowl Understanding
I used to manage a retail store that sold teen clothing, so as expected, I primarily had teens working for me. One employee came to the back room while I was on break and asked what I was eating. Somehow the topic turned to how I should’ve brought chicken for lunch because she wanted chicken. I told her I was vegetarian and therefore don’t eat meat.
She tells me chicken is NOT meat. It’s “poultry,” and according to her, vegetarians can eat poultry because at the grocery store the aisles list “meat” and “poultry” separately so they’re obviously different. We argued for a couple of minutes before I finally told her to go back to the sales floor. She didn’t last at the job long, but MAN.
70. It’s a New Day
I work the graveyard shift, and I had to explain to a coworker that midnight is the start of a new day. She then had an anxiety attack because I was telling her that, “Today is not Monday anymore, today is Tuesday now.”
71. School’s Out
I had a relative try to put her son on the school bus his first day of kindergarten and got upset when the driver refused to let him on because he wasn’t on the list. That’s when she got a nasty surprise. She didn’t know you needed to register your child for school, and just thought she could put him on the bus and send him.
72. Sounding Foreign
I used to work for a chatbot app. Our app would text our users every morning with a greeting in a different language, i.e. Hola, Bonjour etc. One day, a user blew us up saying their account was hacked. She said, “my name is Kim Smith not Kim Konnichiwa. Someone’s hacked my account!” When we explained that our service has been clearly saying hello to her in other languages every day and that Konnichiwa is hello in Japanese and her account was fine, she went on a rant and said Disney was behind the destruction of America. Yep.
73. Consider the Lobster
I was a cook a few years ago. On a particularly busy night, we ran out of lobster mac and cheese. This one waitress could not understand how this was possible and just kept nagging and nagging in disbelief. I got annoyed to the point that I told her the reason for this was that there was a shortage of people with small enough hands to milk lobsters’ tiny nipples, hence a worldwide shortage of lobster milk to make that dish.
I had to come clean with her when she started telling this to customers and they demanded to speak with a manager.
74. An Ocean Away
I was dating a 32-year-old, and he asked me if I wanted to get together to watch a TV show. I said, “Sure, what time is it on?” He looks it up and says to me “8:00 Pacific, 9:00 Central…?” in a very unsure voice. I asked what was confusing him, and his answer left me stunned. He told me he wasn’t sure if the show was on at 8 or 9. My man did not know what timezone we lived in.
So I was like, “Ok, well you know what ocean we’re near, right?” because I was trying to get him to think about the Pacific time zone in terms of the giant body of water for which it was named, and he immediately got defensive and for real said, “Why would I know that? I’m from Texas.” He’d been living in San Francisco for five years and could see the Pacific Ocean out his window.
75. Quarterly Confusion
A girl I went to high school with asked me: “Why do people say a ‘quarter of an hour’? Like what does that even mean?”I responded by saying, “It’s 15 minutes. Because 15 is a fourth of 60, so that’s a quarter of an hour.” She looked at me like I’m an idiot for a while and then replied, “But a quarter is 25…” I didn’t know how to respond.
76. The Lie Detector Test Results Revealed That…
One time, my now ex-girlfriend and I were watching Maury Povich and it was one of those paternity test episodes with the classic “you are NOT the father!” moments. As the episode ends, she turns to me and says the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard: “If we ever have a baby and I found out I’m not the mother, I’ll kill you.” Thankfully, we didn’t end up reproducing.
77. Show Me Your Teeth
I was out for a company lunch at a sports bar, and one of my co-workers discreetly told me that she had pulled pork stuck in her teeth. I always keep a thing of floss in my purse, so I offered to let her have it. She gratefully accepted and then asked, “How do I use it?” She had never flossed in her life! She hadn’t even had her teeth flossed at the dentist!
So I took this 40-year-old woman to the ladies’ room and taught her how to floss. The icing on the cake is that she’s English, so I teased her about perpetuating stereotypes. If you’re reading this, Viv, I love you!
78. That’s What Moms Are for
My cousin set me up with this girl. Things were actually alright, we connected via similar hobbies and interests, then about three weeks after we met, I ran over to her place for some reason and made a joke about how her laundry basket looked like it was about to explode. She just responds, “Oh my mom comes by on Tuesdays and does my laundry.”
Fast-forward a bit, and I learned that at 25 years old, she didn’t know how to do laundry, cook, clean, take out trash, how the dishwasher in her apartment worked, or actually pay her own bills. It was all taken care of by her parents. They would come by every couple of days and do some laundry, dishes, etc, and she would just occupy space in the area, I guess.
I did try to teach her some basic things, but it was a constant battle of “But my parents will do it for me” or “That’s what’s Uber Eats is for” or various replies like that. I eventually had enough of it, and told her I’m done unless she can learn to do everything her parents do for herself. My cousin didn’t believe me about these stories until his girlfriend went to the girl’s place to drop something off…and there was the girl’s mom doing laundry and making breakfast.
79. Self-Defined Cartographer
A girl in an AP US history class laughed at me when I was talking about driving to Alaska from Oregon. She insisted Alaska was an island because of how it is separated out on maps. I don’t know if she was the dumbest person that I’ve met overall, but it was certainly the dumbest thing someone insisted they were right about.
80. Absolute Train Wreck
When we hired a girl a couple of years ago, I told her where the manager’s office was her first day. On the second day, she asked me where the manager’s office was, so I walked her to the door. Then on the third day, she asks me where it is again. After, our manager chewed out the girl who trained our new recruit for not teaching her about the job properly.
The trainer pulled out her phone and showed the manager a picture of the girl wearing the uniform backward and said, “Look at this. This is untrainable.” The new girl got fired about three weeks later for stealing the product because she thought she got it for free because she was an employee.
81. Troubleshooting Tea
Every few weeks, I catch my roommate trying to put his metal tea strainer in the microwave. This is in spite of the fact that our first week living in this apartment, he destroyed the microwave and had to pay for a new one because he put a metal tea strainer in the microwave. He never seemed to put two and two together.
82. Facing a Challenge
I was working at a grocery store over a decade ago. I wouldn’t call the kid dumb because he just didn’t know. It’s more of a funny thing. He was new, and the manager asked him to “face” the store when he asked what he could do. “Facing” means you make sure the aisles look nice and neat and that the product is pulled forward and visibly facing you as you walk down the aisle.
The kid couldn’t be found until someone told the manager one of the workers was just standing in the parking lot facing the store. I will never forget that.
83. Unnatural Landmarks
Someone in my work expressed shock once at my postcard of Niagara Falls because she didn’t believe it was a real place. She told me, “I thought that was just for films. I always thought it was a made-up place… like y’know…the Grand Canyon.”
84. Too Hot to Handle
One of my roommates in college would go through plastic spatulas like crazy. She’d melt them and wouldn’t say anything about it. She’d only tell me when I’d go to use it and wonder why it was messed up. She’d always say it was due to the spatula being made of cheap plastic. I didn’t believe her, but I didn’t know what she was doing. Then I finally caught her one day.
She’d be cooking something and would walk away…leaving the spatula in the pan while the burner was still on.
85. Now You’re Cooking With Gas
A girl I knew in college had her dad call to remind her that every so often she needed to put oil in her truck. She did. Then her truck started smelling like french fries, and then it broke down. Even after trying to explain it, she couldn’t understand that this was directly related to the quart of vegetable oil she put in the motor.
86. The Paternity Is in the Tongue
My girlfriend at the time, C, lived with her friend, K who was not the sharpest tool in the shed. I would always be there hanging out and somehow, I got sucked into Days of Our Lives. I know, stupid, but hey, being forced to watch it weekly made me invested in the characters to a degree. So, in the show, Sammy and Lucas are the star-crossed lovers.
They’re not always together throughout the show, but they find their way back to each other. In this story of mine, they have been set back together, and they’re still working things out. BUT, wait! There’s a handsome, young Englishman named EJ who just moved into town. Sammy ends up having a one-night stand with him. Oh dear!
Two weeks later we find out on Days of Our Lives that Sammy is pregnant! We wonder whose kid it was. Then K pipes in and says, “This is so stupid.” I, knowing that this will be good, ask her, “oh? why do you think that?” She says, “There’s no tension. This is dumb.” Well, we had to know why, so I ask, “why is that, K?” Her answer was priceless.
She explains, “Well, they’re going to know whose baby it is if it comes out with a British accent or not.” I put the TV on mute and say, “I’m sorry. One more time.” K looks at me like I have two heads and says, “like this -standard cry- or like this -Disney stereotype of a chimney cleaner in London losing his wife to typhoid-.” I just go, “nope,” and walk out.
87. Ripe and Ready
My college roommate did not know how to wash his body. Yes. The SMELL. After a week, we threatened him. He took a “shower.” We sent him back again. With soap. Three days later, he stank again. We told him to shower every day. Then we taught him how to do laundry. He was a full genius dude, but had absolutely no idea how to care for himself.
88. That’s Not Right
My mother-in-law still doesn’t know the difference between right and left. When giving her directions, I have to say “like the hand you write with” if she needs to go right. She also doesn’t know the difference between north, south, east, and west, even though we live on an island where there are different elements (mountains and volcanoes) in each direction.
89. Ma’am, This Is the Police
About half the calls I take as a 9-1-1 operator on a daily basis are from people who call 9-1-1 to ask whether Walmart is open, to report that they didn’t get enough mayo on their burger, to complain that the cleanup at a fatality wreck is taking “too long” and all sorts of absurd, out of touch, beyond insensitive stuff. It truly makes you lose faith in humanity.
90. Not Really Tapping In
One of my friends showered in cold water for a year because he never thought of turning the other tap to see what it would do.
91. Choose Your Words
I used the word “pristine” when I was discussing backing up some files in an office meeting with my boss, as in, “the files will be in pristine condition.” My boss’s reaction was truly unbelievable. He got so angry. He thought I was making the word up. Said he’d never heard of that word before, and told me not to use made-up words in a meeting or I’d be written up.
92. English, Eh?
I had to explain to a coworker that English is spoken in the majority of Canada. He had thought that French was the native language. Every time he talked to a Canadian, he informed them of the perfect English they spoke.
93. Two for Dumb
I remember once, this dumb guy that I knew from middle school put money into the vending machine, and then his item didn’t come out. So then, to try and get it out, he put MORE MONEY into the machine, and then two of what he wanted dropped to the bottom. He pulled out his items and then exclaimed, “All right! 2 for 1!” Oh buddy, do I have news for you.
94. Complicated Conversion
I asked a temp at work to weigh a couple of files for postage. She came back and told me they were 65 kg. I asked if it were possible that it was 6.5 kg, but she insisted it wasn’t. We argued about it for a good five minutes. It wasn’t until I asked her how much she weighed, which was 59 kg, that she finally realized that these two small folders couldn’t possibly weigh more than her.
95. Trucking Up
I was at a party when someone’s trashy old truck got stuck in some mud. So, instead of sobering up and coming back the next day like a logical person to get it out of the mud, he decided to go with a bright idea of his own creation. This guy made a Molotov cocktail with gas and threw it at the truck thinking the blast would push the truck back onto dry land. Nope, obviously the truck caught fire and was completely destroyed.
96. Galileo’s Fool
This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever had to explain to an adult. We worked nights, and on our lunch break, we were commenting on the stars and such, and this coworker was completely oblivious that the Earth revolved around the sun. “This whole time I thought the sun revolved around the earth!” She was close to 40 years old.
97. We’ve Got an Emergency
I work as an EMT for a private company, so we mostly deal with nursing homes and the elderly. One day when I was about 6-8 months in, I got assigned a partner who was in my orientation class. He was a little older than me at the time, like the mid-20s, but he seemed a little childish. “Maybe he’s just sheltered,” I think to myself. I was proven so, so wrong.
We got a patient I’ve had a few times before. She was a sweet, little old lady living at an assisted living center. The call was for pneumonia. She’s prone to this stuff so it wasn’t a huge deal, slap her on oxygen and keep her sitting up until we get to the hospital. The first red flag though, was that this kid I was working with didn’t know anything.
He didn’t know how to take blood pressure. He couldn’t find the medical history or medication on the paperwork, which is clearly labeled. He didn’t even push the stretcher, he just walked next to it with a hand on it. When I asked him about all that, he said “My partners usually do that for me.” So, I put her in an oxygen mask and sat her all the way up, mildly agitated.
I tell myself it’s just one shift with this kid. He’s in the back with her and I tell him to just switch the oxygen from the bag to the main tank because, with the amount of oxygen we’re giving her, the bag will run out before we hit the hospital. It’s about a 25-minute drive. When we pull up to the hospital and I open the back doors, I’m shook.
She was pale, I can literally see her muscles moving as she’s struggling to breathe. And this kid was sitting behind her with a clueless half-smile on his face. He looks at me and says, “The main tank is broken, so I left her on the bag.” This woman, who needs oxygen even without pneumonia, was barely breathing for at LEAST 15 minutes.
And this idiot didn’t even check. We take her into the hospital. I ask him to find an oxygen tank while explaining to this woman’s daughter what happened. He says he doesn’t know where to look. I found it and told him to talk to the daughter. When it’s all said and done, I check to see what’s “broken” on the tank. Guess what? He didn’t turn on the tank.
98. Preventative Medicine
I had a friend who took Mucinex A LOT. I’ve used it occasionally when I’ve been congested, but it seemed abnormal how often I saw him taking it. I finally asked him why he was taking it one time, because he didn’t seem sick at all, and he looked puzzled and said, “Well, I think I’m getting sick.” I pressed further, and he said “because it’s an expectorant.” It turns out he thought “You take an expectorant when you are EXPECTING to get sick.”
99. Making Your Own Money Luck
One of my old roommates was really bright academically, but he was terrible with money. Each semester he would start off with a pile of cash from his parents and proceed to blow through it in about two months. I first noticed it with his dining dollars on campus. Every day it seemed like he would buy the most expensive sushi option.
We’re talking maybe $18.00, which isn’t terrible if it’s once in a while, but this was every day. It’s also college dining hall sushi, so the quality was also just okay without even considering the money spent. Of course around midterms when his dining dollars would run out, and he’d sort of panic and whine that he couldn’t afford anything. That’s when I noticed something strange.
When he would start to run low, he’d sort of laugh about not knowing how to avoid going broke while continuing to buy only the most expensive option. But he’d also get really defensive when people wanted to talk to him about this. Eventually, when he moved off campus, it was the exact same thing, but even worse.
For the first two months, he’d feast. He’d get delivery constantly, ordering just way too much food, and of course he’d never share it. But then once he’d nearly run out of cash, he’d buy like an emergency 50-pack of hot dogs and only eat that for the rest of the semester, while telling everyone else that they were lucky they had money to spend.
100. Me ‘n My Moo
My friends were always convinced that my girlfriend was too dumb for me, but I always defended her saying you just had to get to know her. One day, we’re attempting to do that over at my best friend’s place, and we’re all having milk and cookies. She remarks about how fresh the milk is. I say, “Yeah, it’s local so it’s practically straight from the cow.” She gets quiet then says, “Cows? I always thought milk came from pigs!”
So, I say, “But there’s a cow on the carton?” She goes, “I thought that was the mascot!” My friend just turned his head slowly and looked me right in the eye. I looked away.
101. Monster Mash
I asked my ex to mash some potatoes I’d boiled while I plated up dinner. He very literally did so, without draining out the water. Straight up just mashed the potatoes and water together and called it mashed potatoes. He didn’t think what he’d done was in any way wrong, despite the weird texture and look of the potatoes.
102. The Anti-Clean Freak
I had to ask my roommate to please wash his hands after touching raw chicken. He was cool to just…go about his day before I asked. He thought I was being a wacko neat freak. The same guy also thought his sheets wouldn’t fit in the washing machine, so he just…never washed them. He also said I had too many house rules.
This story is about me. I just moved into my first home in February of this year. I live alone and am single. Earlier this month, I mowed my lawn for the first time. I have never mowed a lawn before, but I’m thinking, how hard can it be? Prior to that, I had roped my brother into coming over and doing it for me, but this time I figured I need to actually learn.
The lawnmower is an old push mower of my dad’s that he had brought over about a month ago, and he quickly gave me the rundown on how to use it, but I was half paying attention, plus…it’s a lawnmower. So anyway, I go to start it up, and it takes me at least 10 tries of pulling the cord as hard as I can with no luck until finally it fires up.
I then proceed to begin mowing, and I KNOW this thing is self-propelling—it says so right on it, but I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why it’s so hard to push. The wheels aren’t locked or anything, so I just figure it’s a combination of me not having much upper body strength and my lawn having a lot of divots that prevented the mower from moving smoothly.
I finally finished, sweating like I had just finished seriously working out. Upon reflection, I’m still not convinced that the mower was self-propelling. So I’m sharing this story with friends and coworkers like “what did I do wrong,” and they’re all asking me about this lever, and I’m like yeah, obviously I had to hold the lever down or the motor kills.
Well, turns out there’s a SECOND lever that you have to squeeze in order to propel the lawnmower. I manually pushed that thing around my whole yard, divots, hills and all, and ended up with a blister on my thumb, and sweating profusely through my shirt. So, at the age of 32, I have finally learned to use a lawnmower.
104. Well, Hot Dog
One guy I knew decided to take a nap while cooking sausages for dinner. He just left them in the grill and only woke up when the fire alarms were going off and the whole building was being evacuated.
105. Momma’s Not Always Right
My friend in college once lamented, “Ugh. I have to pee and I just put a tampon in like five minutes ago.” I was confused, but Her next words made my jaw drop. “I hate having to pull them out dry. Also, it’s such a waste.” Yep, her mother taught her that there is only one hole down there and peeing with a tampon in is not possible.
106. No World Record Holder
I was walking through the mall with a buddy of mine a couple years ago and came across one of those stands selling hats and t-shirts. My buddy turns to me and says, “You should buy me that hat because it says genius.” I look wide-eyed at the hat and reread what was written across it three or four times before turning to my buddy and saying, “Dude, the hat says Guinness.” Yes, Guinness, as in the beer company.
107. Optical Delusion
I had a friend once who truly believed that magicians like Criss Angel and David Blaine had some kind of magical power or telekinesis or something along those lines. While watching one of those magicians on TV performing on the street, he argued, “How could this be fake? Look at all those people. Can’t fake all that. Has to be some kind of power or magic.” I then have to ask him, “Do you realize that movies are fake? They fake entire universes, planets, cities, war, etc.” He didn’t understand what I was getting at.
108. Pounding on Eggshells
I just had a customer yell at me for putting their eggs in a separate bag saying they don’t want all those bags and the paper ones always rip. She said all of this before putting it in the bag and throwing a pound of flour on top. It was somewhat satisfying seeing their face as we heard the cracks…until I realized I’m the one who needed to clean it up. Oh, also she complained that we hadn’t warned her about the fragility of eggs.
109. Vitamin D Supplement
I’m a physician, an eye doctor specifically. Thanks to the awful information filtering out there, I had a patient just last week who read that Vitamin D helps you resist lung infections and that he could get more Vitamin D by getting more sun. So, he wanted to “collect” as much light as possible with his eyes. As a result, he stared at the sun for a solid 60 seconds and burned holes directly into his retinas. His vision is permanently reduced and there is no chance of future improvement.
110. In No Particular Order
I used to teach university students. The kids were 20-21 years old and in the second year of either molecular biology, biochemistry, or microbiology. When I handed back assignments, I told them that they were alphabetized by last name. Every week, 90% of them would flip through the stack one-by-one whether their name was Atkins or Zanzibar. They didn’t listen, and they didn’t learn.
111. Only in America
When I was a sophomore in high school, a classmate asked to borrow a pen, and I lent him one of mine that had the Eiffel Tower on it. He asked where the building was from, and I said Paris. He gave me a confused look and asked where Paris was. Was it further away than Chicago? Now it was my turn to be confused. We were in high school. How the heck did he not know Paris was in France? But whatever, maybe he’s not the brightest. So, I inform him that Paris is in France. But he still looks utterly confused. I assume he misheard me, so I start explaining it.
“France, you know, like, FRANCE. From history class? World War II, Napoleon… that France.” He says he was bad at history and has never heard of France before. He then asks me if it was another state or if it was like a region of our state. Utterly baffled at this point, I try to explain that it was another country entirely, and it was in Europe.
Exasperated, I remember saying, “you know, Europe?! That other continent?” He still looks confused, so I add, “THE LAND ACROSS THE OCEAN!” Finally, there is recognition on his face. He tells me he heard of oceans before, and he thinks he understands now. I remind you that this encounter was with a student who didn’t know what Europe was took place in high school.
112. Double the Heartache
A girl in one of my college classes argued that heart transplants shouldn’t be allowed because “that’s where the feelings are” and the person receiving the heart wouldn’t be the same person anymore.
113. Not but a Train Ride Away
My favorite was a guy who was planning his honeymoon, but he didn’t have a lot of money. He was bummed about the cost of air travel. A friend suggested a train ride might be cheaper. He became frustrated after a few days of trying and complained that he couldn’t find any trains going from Chicago to…Hawai’i. He genuinely couldn’t understand why not.
114. Cheat Code: Self Destruct
I went to renew my license at the DMV. I was waiting in a room with the computers that people use to take the written portion. The clerk sat a man down, looked him in the eyes, and said, “If you pull your phone out it’s an automatic fail.” This window licker says, “aight,” while pulling out his phone and immediately failing.
115. Pronounced Frustration
At a work Christmas party in a Mexican restaurant, an Irish colleague was trying to argue with the Mexican waitress that the pronunciation of “jalapenos” was really “ja-la-pen-nose.” He wasn’t joking, and he got so upset with her telling him he was wrong that he made a huge scene, and we were almost thrown out.
116. Speaking of the Past
One of my closest friends is a really good guy, but well…I’m learning Spanish, and I once told him I was reading this Don Quixote book. I complained about how difficult it was because it was written in 1605. And he said, “wait… Spanish existed back then?”
117. A Class of Her Own
There is a girl in my class who is beyond help at this point. Her best moments: “I don’t want to donate my eyes because I don’t want people to see what I’ve seen.” “Gingers can’t be American.” “Yay! I got a D in French.” I just want to clarify the French grade, though. I don’t want to seem like I think I’m better than anyone because of grades.
I wrote this one down because she interrupted other people’s learning and shouted this out in the middle of the lesson. Honestly, as long as anyone tries in their test it’s fine, but she was on her phone most of the time.
118. At Least She Greased
One time, my roommate decided to make brownies from a box. The box instructions say “grease the bottom of an 8×8 pan before pouring in the brownie batter.” I couldn’t believe what she did. She picked up the 8×8 pan, flipped it over, greased the BOTTOM of it, and then flipped it back over and poured in the brownie batter.
119. Clean and Clear and Out of Control
In the late 90s, I had a co-worker who complained about her computer being slow. I took a look, and the hard drive was full. The largest folder was her recycle bin. She had never, ever emptied it in years of use. I emptied the recycle, cleared the Temp folder, and the PC started working fine. She was happy until…her big Excel tracking sheet was gone. Oh, No!
She did not know where it was on file explorer, so I asked her to show me how she opened it. She goes to the little storage container on her desktop, named…Recycle Bin. It was normally at the top, but now it’s gone. No backup. Oops…She cried to management that I “destroyed her computer.” The manager laughed when I told her the truth.