They say it’s always wise to think twice before speaking in public—but apparently not everyone got the memo. Sometimes you hear someone say something and can’t help but gasp in disbelief—and not because they’re introducing the next theory of relativity.Here are stories of some of the most ridiculous and unbelievably stupid comments that folks have ever heard other people say in public.
1. Going Nuclear
We were in sociology class talking about current events, specifically about Iran and North Korea’s nuclear programs. One girl asked the professor very gravely: “Do you think that we have nuclear weapons?” This was in the USA. The prof was completely speechless. I don’t even think he ended up responding to her at all.
2. No Part of This Makes Sense
Him: “I’m vegan, but I still eat chicken and turkey. So can I get the Cuban (a sandwich with pulled pork and ham) made with turkey instead of the ham?” Me: Sure, so do you want me to take the pulled pork off as well? Or make it with double turkey? Him: No, leave that on. Me (with visible confusion): Okay?…
He comes back later with his lady, all mad saying that he wants a new sandwich because he didn’t know pulled pork was from pig—and, of course, he doesn’t eat pig because he’s apparently “vegan.” I also forgot the mention the sandwich comes with cheese. He didn’t complain about that part for some unknown reason…
3. Can’t Hit a Moving Target
One day, my sister was riding in my convertible. She wore a tank top, since it was really hot, 102 degrees outside. We drove two counties over and back running errands, and it took a pretty long time. At the end of the day, she began to complain because she couldn’t understand how she had gotten sunburned when the car was moving!
4. A Distinction Without a Difference
When I was a kid, people used to say that I looked like Harry Potter, and my dumb friend would make fun of me for it. Here’s how one of those conversations went: Me: At least I don’t have an English accent. Friend: Neither does Harry Potter. Me: Yes, he does. Friend: No, he’s from London. This friend also thought that Savannah was the capital of Cuba…
5. Pigging out
“Pigs don’t have blood.” This quote is from my coworker, who was trying to explain his belief that pigs don’t have a heart, blood, or veins–which is why they’re “white meat.”
6. Power Struggle
“Phones don’t run on electricity, they run on batteries!” Even better, this was said in that condescending ‘Ugh, this is so obvious’ tone.
7. Wanna Take Another Stab at That?
“Since when has anyone died from getting stabbed?!”
8. Feeding Further Questions
I recently overheard a girl in my 11th grade health class state that “breastfeeding is unnatural.”
9. What a Coincidence!
While we were setting up for Black Friday one year, a coworker at my old job once said, “It’s pretty crazy that Black Friday actually falls on a Friday this year!”
10. Two Halves Make a Whole
On a bus full of fellow high school students, I heard someone say, “That girl is half Asian, half Chinese.”
I heard two girls talking about baking, when one said that she wanted to try baking a loaf of bread at home. However, she was worried because she “didn’t know how to make the crust.” She also said she was considering baking crust only, because she liked it more than the rest of the bread. She truly thought that the crust was made separately.
12. The Chicken and the Egg
“Chickens are not animals, they poop eggs!” Said by a friend of mine as an explanation for how she could eat poultry and be vegan at the same time.
13. Kicking the Bucket
I was once in line at a KFC when the guy in front of me tapped me on the shoulder and asked how many pieces of chicken come in a 15-piece bucket…
14. Mr. Know-It-All Goes to Washington
When I worked in Congress, I frequently gave tours of the Capitol. As I was wrapping up the tour, one of the constituents asked me to explain the difference between the Capitol and the White House. Ok sure, not everyone is knowledgeable about American government. I gave them a quick explanation and figured it would be sufficient.
Nope, I was clearly mistaken. I then proceeded to listen to this person loudly proclaim that I was incorrect and that “the White House is the same thing as the Capitol.” Bruh…
15. Too Cool For School
“I was absent for 400 days in a school year, but still passed!” My high school friend dropped this bomb while we were both bragging about how we always got away with things back in the day. Somehow, I find this claim a little questionable…
16. Oily to Bed, Oily to Rise
I was the culprit in my case. I was shopping with my spouse after our child was born. We were in the baby aisle. She picked up a bottle of baby oil. This prompted me to ask aloud, “Wait. Baby oil is actually for babies?” A woman who had been walking into the aisle laughed audibly and immediately walked away and shaking her head.
17. The Yoke’s on You
“Does an egg get boiled before or after it comes out of the chicken?”
18. International Stupidity
Shortly after 9/11, my wife and I were in the UK. Security was on high alert. On the way home, the customs officer at the airport was dead serious. Officer: Are you a US citizen? Wife: Yes. Officer: It says here you were born in New Mexico. So when did you become a US citizen? Wife: At birth. New Mexico is in the US…
Officer: No, it isn’t. It’s in Mexico. That’s why it has Mexico in its name. Umm…
19. The Big Screen
“Yoooooooooo! HARRY POTTER ISN’T A BOOK! IT’S A MOVIE!” That’s not an argument that this person was gonna win…
20. Ebony and Ivory
Her: Ivory comes from elephants, ebony comes from rhinoceroses. Me: Ebony is a type of wood. Her: God, you’re an idiot. Me: ????
21. Freak of Nature
Standing at the foot of the Jesus statue in Rio de Janeiro, I heard an American ask his tour guide: “Is this natural or man-made?”
22. The Wind in the Willows
I once overheard two grandmas talking in France. They were pointing out the fact that there is definitely more wind ever since the fall of the Berlin wall. They were dead serious. I heard this as a kid and I still laugh about it to this day.
23. Oh Deer!
My brother used to be a park ranger. One time, a lady asked him how long it took for a deer to become a moose. He said about seven years. He was dead serious.
24. Mrs. Potato Head
My coworker, when talking about how versatile and amazing potatoes are, said the following: “I love potatoes so much. Like, I don’t understand how the Irish got sick of them during the famine.” Then she argued with me when I tried to gently correct her about the true history of the tragedy. Somehow, she is 27 years old.
25. Sick and Tired
My friend got a flat tire and the girl I was with said, “At least only the bottom is flat!” I tried to explain that the whole tire was flat, but she is dim.
26. Everything Is Bigger in Texas
While driving around Mexico City: Person 1: Wow, Mexico City is huge! Me: Yeah, I think it’s one of the biggest cities in the world. Other girl: Nuh-uh. Texas is!
27. Blinded by the Light
I had this girl in one of my high school classes enlighten everyone to the fact that, “Blind people can drive, as long as their seeing eye dog is in the car!”
28. No Way to Bounce Back From This One…
“I know the Earth is flat because if it was round, then it would bounce.”
29. In for a Penny, in for a Pound
I used to work in a grocery store and this elderly woman once said, “Twenty-five cents a pound? I can get four pounds for a dollar at Safeway!”
30. This Means War
Some girl once told me that it was impossible for me to be Vietnamese because “Vietnam is a war, not a country.” We were both in college at the time.
31. Language Barrier
A former coworker of mine asked me what language they speak in England before we took a company trip to London. We are from Seattle.
32. Birds of a Feather
Friend: Birds are mammals, right? Me: No, they’re birds… Friend: I know, but they’re still mammals, right?
33. The Age of Aquariums
When I worked at an aquarium, I once overheard a tourist say “Wow, these penguins look just like birds!”
34. Viewing the Issue From All Sides
I once overheard a guy in my class argue that “not all triangles have three sides.”
35. Lucky We Speak Quietly in Libraries…
“Wouldn’t it be cool if there was a Blockbuster for books?”
36. Civil Wrongs
My roommate once claimed that “MLK freed the slaves” and I didn’t even know how to respond…
37. Cry Me an Ocean
“Isn’t Lake Erie the ocean?” We are in college. In Ohio.
38. License to Be Stupid
“How do people know my age just by looking at my license?”
39. Where in the World Did You Get That Idea?
While waiting in line at the airport and getting ready for my flight, I once heard a woman explain to another woman something that was incredibly disturbing. She told her that planes don’t actually fly from America to Europe, they just hang in the sky motionless while the earth moves below them until Europe appears and then they land.
40. Learning the Ropes
When we were learning about World War II in history class, a girl actually thought the “front line” was a piece of rope held by the troops.
41. Past Goals
I was sitting in a Starbucks on campus one time when I heard this girl telling a guy about her vacation in Italy. At one point in their conversation, the guy goes, “Wow, that sounds like an amazing trip! So where do you want to go next?” She replies, “Well, I’ve never been to Europe before, so hopefully there!” I nearly died laughing.
42. Booking Problems
In 12th grade, I was going on a class trip to Disney World. Our teacher chaperones were all bustling around at the gate, making sure that everyone was ready to board the plane. Idiot Girl: “I lost my boarding pass! I must have left it at the bookstore I was browsing in!” Teacher: “Run back to the bookstore and see if they have it!”
Girl leaves for like five minutes and then returns. Teacher: “Did you find it?” Girl: “No.” Teacher: “Did you go back to the bookstore you were in before?” Girl: “No. That one was really far away, so I went to the closer one.” Entire Class: Silently staring with mouths open. I never forgot that girl’s stupidity for the rest of my life.