Life is pretty much never perfect, but these comebacks sure are. These quick-witted Redditors managed to come up with rejoinders without so much as batting an eye, and the results were glorious. Read on for some incredibly satisfying comebacks.
1. Those Who Can’t Do, Burn
We were in 6th grade and there was this kid who was always the troublemaker, Richie. One day while Richie was making trouble in Mr. Franklin’s class, Mr. Franklin reached his breaking point. "Richie, quit screwing around and being disruptive and just apply yourself. You are going to be 40 years old still in the 6th grade”. His reply will haunt me forever.
Richie looked him in the eye and retorted, "You're 40 and still in the 6th grade".
2. Whine And Dine
My stepdad was having a Christmas dinner party a few years back for his firm at his house. One of my stepdad's friends had just been talking blowhard stuff all night, especially little comments here and there about me, you could call it teasing. At first I brushed it off because he was drinking, but it got to me after a while.
Anyway, we're all eating at the table and he's sitting across from me, his date is at the end of the table, to the right of me. Everyone was talking, and somehow the conversation steered towards me about to make it a long-distance thing with my girl, because I was moving for college.
So the dude starts talking up again, saying something along the lines of, "You're so young to be whipped, when I was your age I had all sorts of fun before I got old.” It was almost awkward. Then the date gently grabs his bicep and says, "It's ok, I like my men how I like my wine," and me without skipping a beat says, "You like them extra-fruity?"
The whole dinner table of like 15 of us just started laughing uproariously.
3. Zero To Hero
A long time ago I was walking down a side street in a medium-sized town with my girlfriend. A car was parked ahead, with the front of the car facing us as we approached. I could see two kids, maybe in their late teens. I immediately sensed trouble.
I could tell they were likely going to say something because my girlfriend was rather attractive. As soon as we came up next to them I heard, “Hey baby, ditch the zero and come hang with the hero”.
I could feel my blood boil but I kept my cool and calmly said, “Sorry buddy, I’m not gay...and don’t call my girlfriend a zero”. The dude’s friend started laughing at him and my girlfriend made a sarcastic crying face then we both started to laugh.
4. Family Feud
I was eight or nine at the time, and my mother and I had to pay a brief visit to my biological father's mother. My biological father was not a good guy. He refused to pay child support for years, but once in a while he would send money to his mom just so my mom and I had to travel for four hours to just get it.
Money was tight, so we just had to deal with it, and he knew it. It was one of his ways of trying to humiliate us. My biological grandma wasn’t any better, either. This witch had been ruining my mom's life from way before she divorced my dad. Her favorite was treating my mother like trash throughout her pregnancy.
Honestly, I wish we weren't related by blood. So, my mom and I are sitting at her table one day on one of these child support trips. This witch pulls out a couple of big bills and gives them to me, telling me how generous she is to spare some for me (?!).
I looked her square in the eye and said, "I'm sorry, but I just can't take money from a stranger." The look on her face was priceless. Mom got me ice cream on the way back.
5. Office Frogger
Big burly former marine from Iraq was back stateside, working in my office. He was a huge mountain of a man. We came to face each other in one of the narrow corridors of the office where one of us was gonna have to turn sideways. Neither of us turned, but we stopped. I'm six foot one and 260 pounds, and he still towered over me.
He was a nice guy, but still a little..."conditioned" I guess you could say, or mentally unhinged. He looked me straight in the eye and said, "You feeling froggy"? My response was truly was like something out of a movie. Without blinking I replied, "You better jump". We both cracked up and turned sideways, while the office breathed a collective sigh of relief.
6. Driving Her Point Home
I was in the grocery store with my girlfriend, and she lightly bumped her cart into a middle-aged guy’s cart by accident. She apologized, and the guy goes “Oh don’t worry, you know what they say about female drivers”. Without missing a beat she replied, “Yeah, the same thing they say about elderly ones”.
I had to sprint away because I almost lost it. I have never seen an entitled old guy look so gobsmacked.
7. Uncle Zinger
My uncle and I worked at a Burger King together. I was a shift lead. He was complaining to me about a useless coworker that none of us wanted to work with. This guy was maybe a year older than me (I'm 22) and was just in a poor state. He didn’t shower, his arms covered in track marks, and he shows up late or not at all.
Even when he did show up, he'd over-extend his breaks and would get high on the clock. He overheard my uncle and started to pipe up to stop him when my uncle turned and flat out told him "You're about as useful as a submarine with screen doors". But then he took it one step further.
He doubled down with, "I've had more intelligent conversations with a couch from Ikea".
8. Schooled
I am a fourth-grade teacher and one day I was up at the board and struggling to remember how to spell a particular word. I was trying to make light of it, telling the kids that sometimes adults need help with spelling too. One student replied, “It is because you were poorly educated. But don’t worry, we are poorly educated too". Double whammy.
9. Taking Out The Trash
I worked at Target back in college in a stocking job where we had to be there at like four or five am to unload trucks. One morning, I overslept a bit and walked to the unpacking line about ten minutes late, eating a breakfast bar. I saw the boss storming over—and knew I was in for it.
He started loudly berating me in front of everyone for being late. As he was going on, I was listening and taking bites of the bar without much expression, mainly because I was so tired. It finally bothered him that I was disrespectfully chewing during the yelling and he stopped mid-sentence, held out his hand, and said, “Give me that thing”!
It just happened that I only had one bite left so I took it, handed him the wrapper, and said, “Thanks,” with a mouth full of food. He paused and started laughing at the ridiculous response to his yelling. We were buddies after that.
10. Great Scot!
At the Scottish games, one dude thought he'd be smart and asked a performer a rather inappropriate question. The performer was wearing a kilt, and so this guy asks him: “What do you wear under that skirt?” The guy did not skip a beat and said “Your mother’s lipstick”. It was the perfect comeback. I laughed and so did the guy’s buddies.
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11. Warranty Woes
I worked in cell phone sales for a few years and a woman came in with a fairly new flip phone—this was 2018 and we still sold them. She was complaining because one of the sides of the screen was dangling off and said she didn't do anything, it just snapped. She demanded a new phone.
I told her, "That looks like physical damage and we don't have any coverage for that since you didn't buy a phone protection warranty". She did not take this news well.
She insisted it wasn't physical damage and the phone just sucked and broke itself. She started freaking out and calling me all kinds of names and swinging her phone in my face. And then the top half of the phone LITERALLY snapped off and landed on the counter in front of me. I just looked her in the eyes and said, "Well that was definitely physical damage".
She lost it at my comment and it was weirdly satisfying.
12. Comfortably Numb
I was around 17 or 18 and getting my first filling at the dentist. They pumped me up with nitrous oxide for pain and to help me relax during the procedure. The dentist came back and asked me, "How are you feeling"? All I said was, "I don't," and he lost it.
He cracked up for what seemed like 20 minutes before he could pull himself together. I also started cracking up because of the laughing gas and because his laugh was infectious. So we were both just sitting in the room laughing, and all his assistants came by and were very confused lol.
13. Double Your Fun
My boyfriend was in the grocery store. Our twin daughters were in the shopping cart, maybe five years old. Twins get you a lot of attention from random strangers, especially when they're little, and it's a pain for everyone, including the kids. They don't always want attention. Some random lady had stopped and was chatting with the girls.
One of the girls is very much a people person and was happy to chat, but her sister wasn't up for that, so she wasn't participating. This lady got ticked about that and told our introvert kid "Your sister is so much prettier than you are". Without missing a beat, my tiny little girl looked that woman in the eyes and destroyer her.
She said "And you're so much fatter than my sister is, too". My boyfriend managed to get the cart onto the next aisle before laughing his head off.
14. Memorable Meeting
I was working in tech. It was common for someone to call us right before a presentation to hook up a laptop to our system in the meeting room. Can't tell you how many times I'm feverishly working while the meeting is going on. This happened again one day when the devices just wouldn't talk to one another, and I didn't have time to track down the issue with the room full of our entire staff.
It came time for the presentation to be put up on the big monitor and I shook my head to the guy to tell him it wasn't connecting. "So, Marv, you can't get it up?" I immediately hung my head and said "Oh don't say it like THAT!" The entire office broke up and they never let him live it down.
15. Get Shorty
I work in a factory with a short guy. This other dude picked on him incessantly, and for the most part, he let the insults slide off his back. But, one day, he got to the end of his rope. The taller guy asked, “Do you want me to pick you up so you can wash your hands?” The short guy turned to the guy beside him and asked, “Will you pick me up so he can kiss my butt?” I was in tears.
16. Check The Calendar
On a family vacation, my grandmother was giving me grief for not remembering her birthday—I've never been good with birthdays—after telling me it was the password to her iPhone. She wanted me to take a picture with it, which is why I needed the password.
While she was distracted, I opened up the settings, changed her password to my birthdate, and then set her phone down. Cue 15 minutes later, she was trying to get into her phone and it wasn’t working. Suspecting mischief, she grumpily asked me if I changed the password to her phone in front of our entire family.
I admitted that I did. "Well, what is it"? She asked impatiently. "It's my birth date". She gave me this stunned look, like a deer in headlights. She sat there silent for about 15 seconds not being able to remember my birthday before our family exploded laughing. It was a good time.
17. Did I Stutter?
I was in the middle of an oral history report on George Washington. Usually, I don't give them in front of the class because I had a stutter, but my speech therapist encouraged me to take a leap of faith, so I told the teacher I could give it in class. But it backfired almost immediately. I accidentally called him Thomas Jefferson because I was so nervous.
A rude girl in the back snickers and hollers, "I knew your brain was messed up!" Still, I reply "W-w-w-well at l-least I h-h-have a b-brain to m-mess up." A few of my classmates actually stood up to give me a standing ovation at the end of my report. Thinking about it, still makes me tear up. Today, I can mostly speak without stuttering.
18. Burn At The Bar
Whilst training in the British army we went out for a few drinks and every unit has that one Bell-end that thinks he's god's gift to women. Ours spotted a good-looking girl at the bar and announced to us all watch the master at work. He proceeds over to the bar next to the girl and says, "I've got the biggest junk you'll ever see and will give you the time of your life".
The girl responds as quickly as a flash, "Is it really big?" He says yeah. She asks if it reaches his butt. Him, being the jerk that he is, responds, "Of course it does". She comes back with "Great. You can go screw yourself then". He ran off like his hair was on fire and we all bought the girls drinks for the rest of the night and told her she was our hero.
19. Unsolicited Advice
This was too good to be true. I was in line at Safeway and the guy in front of me was on the phone with his son next to him. the woman behind him said, "You should be talking to your son, it's Father's Day". Without missing a beat he said, "Gotta go, dad" and hung up. The look on that sourpuss's face was priceless.
20. Karma
When I was a broke college student, a wealthy older lawyer hit my car. No damage to his car, but mine was crumpled, and I spent all of my no money at the time keeping it on the road. I was going literally 11 km/h in a parking lot and he was entirely at fault. We exchanged insurance info and I had to get a rental car until mine was fixed.
He dodged the insurance calls for about two weeks, forcing me to pay out of pocket for the rental, about $600, which I definitely didn’t have. I knew this guy was a snooty lawyer—my dad is a court attorney and while I have never used this flex, I finally had to ask my dad to call him and talk some lawyer at him.
Fifteen minutes later, I got a call and was told that the insurance would go forward. Fast forward like eight years, I was bartending at a swanky lounge where a Chamber of Commerce event was going on. It was just for local business people to rub elbows and network. This lawyer douche was really feeling himself and charming the room. He looked eerily familiar, and it hit me all at once who he was.
He ordered a drink from me and then stopped and said, Hey, miss, do I know you”? So I came back loudly with, “Well not really but you hit my car in a parking lot a few years ago when I was a broke college student and stuck me with the bill. Do you wanna open a tab for the drink or close out now”?
21. The Joker
I’m a writer and I do a bit of stand-up comedy. As such, people tend to introduce me to new people as a “comedian," “writer," etc. So I was outside a bar smoking with a friend of a friend. He then introduced me to one of his friends. His friend was dressed like Liam Gallagher from Oasis and seemed to exude a bit of a cocky sneery manner.
The introduction went thusly; Friend of Friend: “Mr Gallagher this is my friend, he’s a comedian”. Mr Gallagher: (looks me up and down) “Comedian eh? Does that mean you think you’re funny”? Me: “No, it means everyone else does”.
I literally do not know where it came from. I didn’t think about the response, it just came out. And it was hands down the GREATEST thing I’ve ever said.
22. Who Wears The Pants?
My friend got pantsed, underwear and all, at a party. Instead of pulling his underwear and pants up immediately, he just kept going about his business, while his dong hung out for all to see. Those of us that knew him already thought it was hilarious.
The people at the party that didn't know him, looked uncomfortable due to this dude having his pants and underwear around his ankles, with his wiener hanging freely. Our friend, the host, said "Dude, why don't you pull your pants up?"
The pantsed guy said, "I didn't pull them down". Then took his turn in pong. But the best part of all? The host then found the guy that did pull them down and made him pull our friend's pants back up.
23. Vertically Challenged
I work in waste management. I’m also a rather small person, like, “they don’t make clothes at Old Navy in my size” small. I was wheeling a stack of drums out to our loading dock, navigating pretty much purely on instinct since I couldn’t see over or around them. Lo and behold, there was someone there chatting with the shipping people. I ran straight into him.
I was surrounded by everyone in shipping, some fairly big dudes, and I felt amazingly embarrassed. I leaned around the drums to look at the guy I hit, and without even thinking, said, “What did you want me to do, see through ‘em”?
Everyone burst out laughing and the guy even opened the door to the dock for me. Every time I see him now he pretends to duck.
24. Tough Love
A guy I went to school with thought he was God's gift to women. He was seriously so annoying, and it bothered me even being around him. One day, for some reason he was discussing the most humane ways to die. He says, “If I ever had to end someone, I would make love with them until they passed.” Oh, I got him so good.
Without even really thinking about it, I responded, “Aw, how cruel, letting someone die of boredom.”
25. And That’s The Tea
I was the sole male on a business trip with some female co-workers. They wanted to have lunch in a little tea house, and I didn't care, so in we went. The tea house provided frilly hats to wear during tea, and of course, they all insisted that I wear a pink one. Whatever, it's all good, right? Well, apparently not so much.
The woman who owned the place ran it with her son, and he gave me no end of grief about wearing it. Every time he came into the small dining room, where a half dozen or so other people were also having lunch, he made some comment about how I should take it off, be more manly, and so on. He just wouldn’t let it go.
His insistence finally started getting on my nerves, so the next time he came in and made a comment about the hat, I piped up. "It could be worse," I said. The whole room silenced to hear what I would say. "I could work in a tea house with my mommy". The whole room erupted. Even his mom laughed. He laughed too, but I could tell it had struck a chord.
He didn't really talk much the rest of the time we were there. In truth, I felt bad about it. I actually had a lot of respect for him helping his mom out like that. I just wanted him to stop bugging me about the hat.
26. How A Nurse Became A Legend
This woman has just given birth and tore a bit, and the father was in the delivery room while the nurse stitched her up. The father “jokingly” said, “Be sure and stitch her up nice and tight for me down there.” Without missing a beat the nurse said, “Just how small do you need it to be, sir?” The nurse was a legend on the floor for that.
27. Be Careful What You Wish For
I had this horrible boss who never recognized all the good I did. She only berated me for every perceived mistake. Well, one day I made a small mistake at work and she flat-out told me, “Get yourself together. I can fire you and find someone who could do this better in five minutes!" I’d had enough—and I let her know it in the best way possible.
I took my apron off and, as head waiter 10 minutes before a Friday lunch rush, handed it to her. Then I said, “You’ve got five minutes".
28. Watch Your Finger
I became a store management trainee at a large grocery chain years ago. Part of the training was that you had to spend a week or so working in each department learning how they worked and operated. Basically, I was just free help for that week’s department. This particular week I was in the meat department.
One of the guys had just returned from a couple of days off because he had accidentally cut his finger on the bone saw. He was still sporting a pretty big bandage on the digit he cut. He was told to show me how to use the meat cuber/tenderizer for making cubed steak, and he walked up and asked “How’s your hand-eye coordination”?
I immediately responded with, “Hopefully better than yours”! Everyone back there erupted in laughter that didn’t stop for what seemed a long time.
29. Sent By Mail
This was back in my junior year of college. At the beginning of the semester, I was introducing myself to my very intimidating biochemistry professor. The guy was a genius but also tough. Students were all terrified to ask him questions because he was known for grilling people, and if they hadn't made enough effort beforehand he'd send them out of his office to learn on their own.
As I walked into his office he was sorting through some boxes and made a really sarcastic comment regarding stuffing me in the box and shipping it off somewhere. He looked up to see my response, and I just responded perfectly without thinking.
"I wouldn't mind going somewhere nice..." Dude laughed so hard it actually startled me a little. We got along pretty well for the remainder of the semester, so it all worked out really well! It's amazing what a little laughter can do to ease tension.
30. Mouthing Off
We were having a debate about something during history class in high school. The two arguing the hardest both had interesting reputations. The kid who had a reputation for being a jerk told the girl that had a reputation for sleeping around to shut her mouth. She retorted, “At least people like it when I open my mouth!” The entire class lost it, including the teacher.
31. Art Project
It was art class and I was around 12-13. We were painting stuff. I was sitting next to my friend and we were extremely bored so we decided it was a good idea to dip our hands into the paint for no reason. I happened to dip my hand in red. After two minutes the teacher came by and said, "What are you two doing”?!
I looked at my friend who was going to burst into laughter. Then I looked back at the teacher and said, "Well, I guess you caught me red-handed". My friend couldn't keep himself together and laughed extremely loudly.
The art teacher was speechless for a good ten seconds whilst looking at the failure of a boy I was. She then just told us to wash our hands.
32. I’ve Taken My Bow
I was walking through Spain in a smallish town. It was a hot day, and people were wandering through the streets. There were two English tourists who were standing on their balcony overhanging the streets. They shouted to these two good-looking Spanish girls and started singing the Queen song "WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!"
One of the hot girls turns and shouts, "NO TIME FOR LOSERS!" It was a glorious moment.
33. Bar Banter
I worked as a bartender at what was arguably the busiest bar in Boston circa 2015. On a typical, overwhelmingly busy Saturday, I was working the service bar and it was absolutely humming as it always was. I was making and distributing craft cocktails at breakneck speeds for servers, and also taking orders from the raving lunatics demanding to be quenched of what seemed an insatiable thirst.
It was a blur of ice and juice and madness as I crushed ice and fruit and squeezed bottles of syrups and juices and topped drinks with myriad garnishes, and I was in the zone. I was crushing it, achieving God-tier levels of drink making, and while doing so I tried to take a young lady’s order and she said, “Um excuse me, you owe my friend a drink”.
And while I was still busy doing my thing I asked, “Why”? To which she replied, “Because you got my friend wet”.
There was residual splash, another innocent victim of the war on drink tickets. Without skipping a beat, I demolished her: “Yeah, her and every girl who’s ever been in here," and I turned away, carrying on about my business. To this day I’ve yet to experience that level of overwhelming self-satisfaction in my life.
She didn’t even respond. She knew she had been owned. My only regret is that nobody witnessed what was quite possibly the crowning achievement of my life.
34. A Big Cuppa Burn
I was working as a barista and I was dealing with a Karen. She had the most obnoxious order and had to question everything, whilst telling me how to do my job. After I finished her beverage and handed it to her, I asked her if she could hold on for a moment, as I had something really important for her. I gave her a job application!
I told her that I appreciated her keen knack for details and already knew so much about the job that we would be overjoyed if she came to work for us. The manager was in tears from laughter after getting an upset phone call about being offered a job. She couldn’t get me in any trouble, because well, I didn’t do anything wrong.
35. Clergy Concessions
My grandfather was an Anglican minister. He was helping out at a hockey arena in the concession area, no idea why, and one guy insisted that he be served first, even though someone was in front of him. He told the guy to wait his turn and served him when it was his turn.
After enduring much swearing and rudeness about it, my grandfather turned to the guy's friends and said, "Being a clergyman limits what I can say to people, but if your friend would care to kick the bucket I would be delighted to bury him".
36. Gender Non-Conforming
About 25 years ago, I was in grade nine and my parents bought me a pair of Air Max. I’m a female, but I had picked a pair of Air Max that were “supposed” to be for males because I preferred the color of the shoes. I was super pumped to get those shoes; We didn’t have lots of money and it was a pretty extravagant purchase.
Anyway, I was at our local shopping center and I ran into a group of guys I went to high school with. They were a real bunch of jerks that thrived on dumping on other people. One of the guys had on the same pair of shoes and said to me, “Do you know you’re wearing men’s shoes”? I had the perfect comeback.
I quickly replied, “Then why are you wearing them”? The other guys laughed so hard, and it still stands out in my mind after all these years.
37. A Hard Job
A coworker was struggling with a frustrating piece of equipment, and I asked her why she didn't just do (insert easy fix) instead. She growled, "I don't know. I just really love making things harder". I said, "Then why are you a lesbian”?! Yes, she's a lesbian, and she almost fell on the floor she was laughing so hard. She repeated the joke to everyone else the rest of the day.
38. The Grown Ups’ Table
I was on holiday in Bulgaria with my parents. They started chatting with another couple at the next table. I thought they were annoying, but my parents were happy they had someone to talk to. My parents invited them to our table.
Suddenly, the lady sat next to me and after a while she asked me, "Would it bother you if I smoke"? My answer was, "It wouldn't even bother me if you were burning". I was seven years old…and apparently a jerk.
39. Ask The Colonel
Oh man, I have a good one! It was in my US history class in high school. There were those students who were always noisy and obnoxious. They'd also pick on the teacher. He was a lighthearted 60-something old man with neat white hair. He had a great sense of humor so he never gave it much thought.
One day, one of the loud dudes was like, "Hey Mr Morgan, you know you look exactly like Colonel Sanders"? To which he quickly responded, "Is that why your mom says I'm so finger-licking good"?
40. How Unbecoming!
A young pregnant co-worker had a stranger stare disapprovingly at her in a restaurant. But that wasn't all. This stranger proceeds to walk up and say the most offensive thing ever, "Pregnancy isn't very becoming on you". My coworker wasn't even phased and simply replied, "Well, being a nosey rude woman isn’t becoming on you, but here we are".
41. One For The Ages
My three-year-old niece came over with her dad, and, as little kids do, just randomly interrupted our adult conversation to say emphatically: “I’m THREE!” To which I replied, “Wow, sweetie! How did you get so old?” My niece, gently but matter-of-factly correcting me like I am a simpleton who needs help: “Actually, I’m kind of new". It’s been months and I laugh every time I think of this story.
42. The Man In Black
I actually said nothing. I was on my motorcycle in traffic, on a wet overpass with short Jersey walls. A guy behind me was driving a bit too fast and slammed on his brakes, sliding into me. There was no damage as he was going slow enough to touch and push me about a meter and a half (five feet) before finally coming to a stop.
The angle had me going straight forward so I did not fall. Had it been much faster I would have been thrown over the edge to my doom. So obviously I was not happy.
I turned off the engine, got off the bike, and slowly walked over to the driver that hit me. I walked about a meter, and when he saw me coming toward him, he furiously started raising his manual window. So I could just see him struggling to pump the winder. When I got there I just knocked on his window, pointed at him and glared, and turned around and walked away.
He looked terrified. I didn't think about what had really happened until later. Imagine a guy you just hit in a car wearing a black helmet, with a shaded visor, black heavy thick jacket and riding pants, metal studded gloves, and black leather boots knocks on your window and points at you for being a supreme idiot.
I had no idea, I just wanted to talk to him, be a bit angry but tell him I was okay, then take a second to verify my bike was okay as well.
43. Wires Crossed
I observed this walking to the men’s room at a bar in Nashville. A legitimately cross-eyed man exiting the bathroom while someone else was walking in and they bumped into each other. It wasn’t anything serious. But it still leads to this exchange: Cross-eyed man: “Watch where you’re going!” Non-Cross-eyed man: “Go where you’re watching!”
44. Getting A Leg Up
My friend was overweight and his grandfather always teased him about it. Their mutual sharp wit always kept it entertaining until grandpa's mind went. Except it turned out that grandpa actually had gangrene in his leg, and when they amputated it, grandpa was suddenly back to normal and they didn’t joke anymore. That was until one glorious day.
Grandpa hobbled in and saw my friend making a large sandwich while eating a smaller one. One was for lunch later but gramps laid into him anyway. "Why the heck are you eating two sandwiches? You know that's why you're fat...Fatty".
My friend had gotten tired of this stuff by now so he just turns to him walking around on a prosthetic with a cane and says, "Aren't you supposed to be losing a butt-whipping contest somewhere?"
45. The Crush
I was crazy about this dude. He was intelligent, hot, funny, and a bit older. After a few weeks of dating, he said he wasn’t ready for a commitment. I told him to come pick up his book from my place, and not to reach out again as it hurt too much. I was that into him.
So, he came to my apartment, I went to hand him the book, and began to shut the door. He put his foot in the way to stop it and said, “I don’t know what to do. I’m not ready, but I can’t stop thinking about you”.
Moving my hand off the door, I handed him the book anyway and said, “Then pick me up at seven”. Anyways, now we’re married.
46. “You’re A Three”
I teach high school students. One day I misspoke and said “three” while meaning four, and immediately corrected myself. I then had a student be annoying about it and for days just say “You mean three!?” At everything. One fateful Wednesday she said it one too many times and, without thinking, I uttered the words of chaos, “You’re a three.”
Not realizing that the whole “You’re a 10” thing was still in use as well as not intending it in that way did not stop the onslaught of laughter from her peers, and she was forever known as a 3/10.
47. Manufactured Products
When I was a little kid, maybe six, I overheard my mum and older sister talking about factories making “pollution," and the way they talked about it I thought it was some sort of manufactured chemical product like chlorine or silica.
A few weeks later, a huge local industrial company came to school to teach our class about the company. The company rep gave examples of things like soap and bleach that they made and asked, “Does anybody here know what else we make”? I raised my hand and, you guessed it, I said, “Um, pollution”?
I remember the guy just laughed and looked embarrassed, and he said, “Er, well we try not to…”.
48. Classy Comeback
I had a co-worker who was a bit of a jerk. He was an alumnus of William and Mary and wouldn't shut up about it. We worked with plenty of people who went to better colleges than that, but nobody else was as obnoxious as this guy. His daughter got into UVA, and when I congratulated him I told him, "Every parent dreams that their kid does just a little bit better than they did".
49. Kids Say The Darndest Things
When I was a kid, under ten, my dad's best friend announced he was getting married to his current girlfriend. This would be his third marriage. I asked if I was invited to the wedding and he said, “No honey, it's adults only”. I had an absolutely vicious response.
I replied, "That's okay I'll just come to the next one". I had no idea what I was implying, I just knew this guy got married a lot. He actually did divorce his third wife but last I heard, they're dating again.
50. All In Due Time
Me and my girlfriend at the time were having a discussion about her going back to school. She kept putting it off every semester, and one day she got angry at me trying to get her to actually go back, not just talk about it. She yelled, “Rome wasn’t built in a day”! And I responded, “Yeah, but it was built”. And a decade later I still think of that.
51. Risky Retort
I was working on a railroad signal crew. We were behind on a project and were told that we'd have to work Saturday on an upcoming three-day weekend. About noon that Friday, the foreman tells us that we've caught up enough that we can go now and enjoy our holiday weekend. One member of my crew was this huge angry Viking of a man. Think 6'5" tall, 400lbs.
He shouted "Yeah! I'm going to go home and surprise my girlfriend with a big dick!" With absolute horror, I heard my voice say: "That would be a surprise since you left home this morning with a little one". Fortunately, he thought it was hilarious because he was between me and the door.
52. Unlikely Hero
At a party a few years back, someone snatched my friend's purse. Her boyfriend found the guy who took it and got it back for her, but he was still in an angry, drunken rage and was continuing to escalate the situation when he was well outnumbered. My friend found me and said, “I’m afraid [boyfriend] is about to get into a fight, I need your help. Stop him, please”!
I stood up, and I told her, “I can’t promise you I can stop him from fighting, but I can promise you I won’t let him lose,” before walking off to find him. Ultimately, no fight actually broke out, and I didn’t realize that I had basically said a cheesy one-liner until after the fact when my friend told me how intense that line was.
I didn’t mean for it to sound so dramatic, I just wanted to let her know I wouldn’t let him get beat up. I didn’t mean to make it sound like I was about to demolish three guys by myself like I’m some sort of action hero.
53. Super Sassy Kid
I worked in a preschool years ago. I had this one kid who could be a real annoyance sometimes. Giving the other kids thumbs down, saying he didn't like them, absolutely devastating to the other kids. I was constantly hearing "Miss Bells, Isaac said he didn't like me!" Then, Isaac made a fatal mistake. He tried it on a three-year-old girl.
Isaac: "I don't like you!" Three Year Old: "Well, my mommy LIKES me!" Shut him right up. It was gorgeous and a little vicarious victory. The three-year-old was super sass and I still chuckle at it to this day.
54. Getting Back At A Mean Old Aunt
I remember I had a family dinner when I was in middle school, and my rude little old aunt was over. I said something and she barked at me, “Don’t be such a smart alec!” So I looked her square in the eyes and was like, “Yeah? Well, I’d rather be a smart alec than a dumb one....like you.” I got in trouble but the look on her face was SO worth it. She’s such a mean woman I’d been dying to say something back to her forever.
55. Planet Protector
Years ago I worked at a Hard Rock cafe, and we often had pre-shift server meetings outdoors on a patio. While my boss was droning on about us selling more overpriced plastic cups I was staring off at the spinning globe on top of the building that says "save the planet" on it. That's when I brazenly interrupted my boss.
I blurted out, "If Hard Rock is trying to save the planet, why do we waste so much paper?"
This was really directed at my managers, who were fanatical about printing out stupid memos. They somehow didn't realize it was about them specifically and passed the comment up the food chain, which ended up resulting in the entire company changing their payroll system to paperless, globally.
As a reward, I was given a pin shaped like a lightbulb that said "bright idea" on it. Thanks, I guess.
56. Got You Cornered
I don't care if it's self-congratulatory, I'm proud of this one: I was having dinner with my dad and older sister. I got straight As in school or something, and she's doing the older sibling thing. Sister: “You may have gotten the book smarts in this family, but *I* got the street smarts.” Me: “The corner doesn't count". My dad choked on his dinner he was laughing so hard.
57. The Name Game
This happened yesterday. My teacher had been pronouncing my name wrong for over a year. So yesterday, at the end of the semester she had the brilliant idea that we should compliment each other in the class. So she said, "Niclas, Niclas (the wrong name again), what do you like about [my classmate]”?
Without thinking I just said, “He knows how to pronounce my name properly". The whole class got silent and my teacher just looked empty inside. But she took it relaxed.
58. Mr Smack Talker
I worked with an older gentleman who was from Chicago. He had a story or an opinion on everything and he was very proud of his smack-talking talents. The entire department was walking off to a meeting and, as it was summer and many of us were wearing shorts, somehow the topic shifted to the lack of hair on somebody's legs.
Mr Smack Talker spouted out the comment that "hair doesn’t grow on dead things," but he had forgotten one important thing...All I had to do was look at his head and arch an eyebrow. He had let the fact that he was quite bald escape his memory.
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59. Question Period
In a class at university, each student had to give a presentation about a scientific paper and answer questions about it. We were told to ask the speaker questions, because otherwise the professor would, and his questions would obviously be harder. That professor was really brutal in his critiques of the presentations, but also fair and accurate.
In any case, I asked a question after every single presentation, but when my turn came no student wanted to ask anything, so the professor asked me if I wanted to ask myself a question.
Without even thinking about it I said, "Say, how come your presentation was so extremely excellent"? I was mentally preparing to be chewed out, but instead, the professor needed a minute to stop laughing, and then he gave me the best grade possible.
60. The Scent Of A Woman
It was certainly the most hostile thing I'd ever said, but: I was at a Best Buy.
I was just looking for a present for my father since it was Christmas season. I had just gotten off work, I had been smoking, because that's what I do when I get off work. I'm standing in the DVD section peering at the titles looking for one in particular.
This older lady wearing the garments of a well-to-do woman and with the demeanor of a smug, old money lady was standing next to me with her husband who looked like Don Draper's boss. I heard her give off an exaggerated sniff, then as I looked over in confusion, I saw her lean next to her husband and say in an obviously loud voice, "Why does it reek of smoke"?
She then turned and glared at me. So now I'm standing there holding a movie as these two old people were staring at me, shaming me. So I shrugged and said, "I don’t know, I was wondering why it smells of soggy unwashed old lady in here, but I was nice enough to not say anything until now". They walked away after that.
61. No Chickening-Out Here!
My dad and I were at a farming expo. I have a bunch of chickens. This presenter, a chicken-owning expert, is droning on about how stupid chickens are, and I'm getting annoyed. I know they're not clever, but you can teach them basic tricks. And even if they are stupid, okay, fine, but I came here to learn something, please. But this is when my dad became my hero.
My dad, without missing a beat, after this woman says they're dumb for the fourth time: "I think chickens take on the personalities of their owners".
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62. Obstacle Course
I was on my high school cross country team and our coach was discussing the course for our regional race. We were concerned there would be holes and indents in the ground that might cause us to twist an ankle or make us fall. Our coach was trying to reassure us that there were zero holes in the course because it also happened to be a golf course and it was very well taken care of.
Without hesitation, I blurted out, “I’m sorry to interrupt coach, but I believe there are actually 18 holes”! Things went from very serious to a lot of laughing really quick.
63. Group Project
I was the nerdy, five-foot-tall shy girl, and constantly got paired with struggling/misbehaving kids to "help them".
On this occasion, I was stuck with two popular guys in English class. One was your typical 2000s-era comic book jock, the other was a class clown who just didn't know when to stop. Together, they unanimously agreed to do nothing at all, making fun of our classmates, while I made the world's ugliest word cloud.
I failed art class y'all, so that's no joke. I guess I had an epiphany, because for the first time in my 15 years of life, I decided, screw this, and went to tell the teacher they were being lazy idiots and I'd rather just do it solo. It took a hot minute before the jokester realized I'd even left, and when he pointed it out, the jock stood up looking ready to Hulk out of his lowriders.
And the Jock said, "what are you tattling on us for? It's not like we've done anything". And I replied, "Yeah, that's kind of the point". And just walked out of the silent class...because I was so used to being bullied I fully expected him to throw a chair at me.
But apparently, I just looked like a hero, which was accidental street cred that my nerdy self was 100% eager to roll with.
64. Zippered Right Up
In Grade 3 my class was walking out to recess and I noticed that one of the popular boys that I had a crush on had his zipper down. This was my chance. I was going to exploit this embarrassing situation and get Joey T to finally notice me. In front of everyone I said, “Joey, your fly is down.” Joey T zipped up without a care in the world and asked, “Why were you looking there?”
He was right. Why was I looking there? I felt bulletproof calling him out. I was going to best him and create a splash within the third-grade social scene so large it would be rippling through the hallways for days. But within seconds I realized how truly untouchable he was. Why was I looking there?
65. The Dating Game
I was working with a horrible specimen of humanity. He was my coworker and he had brown teeth, though not all of them, poor hygiene, and an undeserved air of superiority. I didn't like him much—and for good reason.
He kept smashing my fingers and calling me names like “college boy” and “pup”—I was younger than him. In the break room, we all gathered to eat our meager lunches and talk smack. Mr Brown teeth did this last one with great zeal and no intelligence.
After the third time of him lobbing jokes around the room at my expense, I pretended to observe something about him that I hadn't noticed before. Me: "You're a pretty good-looking fella”. He replied, “Yeah. I know”. I said, “I bet you get lots of girls”. He said, “I do alright”. Me: “When was the last time you got laid”? Him: “Last night....by your girlfriend”.
Me: “God. I hope not. I'm dating your sister”. I really was. He left the room while the rest of the crew exploded with laughter at his expense.
66. Tech Talk
I was once in a hotel elevator headed down to the lobby. I took out my phone to get directions to the bar where I was meeting my friends. A woman in the elevator, who was part of a group of people I don't know, sneered at my phone and said, "Ugh, I hate technology". To which I replied, "Then why aren't you taking the stairs"?
Her friends erupted in laughter and she was completely destroyed.
67. Costume Comeback
When I was working as a bartender one Halloween, I came dressed as an old Western-style bartender (complete with mustache and accent). We had the evening split up into a little costume party for kids and families in the earlier hours, and then an adults-only costume party later on. One of the regulars laughed at my costume and said I looked stupid, so I gave him one fiery comeback to-go...
"You should probably come back after the kids have gone because you've come here dressed as a jerk". He didn't talk to me for weeks after that. It was blissful.
68. Better Left Unsaid
I lived at home and had a girl calling me, inviting me over to a local hotel, and I wanted no part of it. The girl called and left a message: "Hi ____, I'm calling from the Holiday Inn, Room 320, and I'd really appreciate it if you give me a call. I'd like to see you". A few minutes passed and the phone rang again.
This time my Dad answered. Girl: “Is ____ home”? Dad: “He was home, but he left”. Girl: “Oh. Did he get my message”? Dad: “Yes, he got the message. Did you”? Girl: “Ohhhhhhhhh. OK. Bye”.
69. Big Fat Joke
I was at my biggest, more than 320 pounds, and early into dating this woman who was a 10/10. I had no business dating her but she liked me so I wasn’t about to defeat myself. Dressing for a night out, I was feeling bad about my body and walked up to her in my apartment and asked, “Does this shirt make me look too fat to be seen with you?”
“Your fat makes you look fat. Not the shirt,” was her reply. “Ouch,” I said. “The truth only hurts when it should,” was her reply. That was a pivotal moment for me. Within a year I dropped almost 100 lbs., but within two years I was down to 180 lbs.
I was in my 20s back then and I went on to get and stay fit well into my 40s now. But here's twist.
This will be our 18th year of marriage.
70. Generous Grandpa
My son and his newlywed wife were poor college students living out of state. When I went to visit them I took them to the grocery store and let them fill up a couple of grocery carts that I paid for. As we were leaving the store I said, "Now, when your kids are poor married college students trying to get by, don't forget this".
My new daughter-in-law piped up and said, "Oh we won't forget. We're going to tell them to go get grandpa!" Ha Ha… I love that gal.
71. Future Plans
My brother was in his history class that just happened to have accumulated all the really disruptive and not-so-intelligent kids. They'd constantly interrupt and make the class terrible, and the teacher didn't really do anything about it. One day, a girl who had caused a ton of problems acted up in the usual way to derail the class, and my brother had had enough.
He turned to her and told her to shut up and she flipped. The teacher told her to be careful what she says to him, because she might be working for him one day. My brother turned to the teacher and went, "Nah, I don't plan on being a pimp".
The class lost it, the teacher had to step out of the room laughing, and that girl apparently didn't bother my brother for the rest of the year.
72. Mismanaged
At work, project management undercut and mismanaged a project so badly. They pushed getting the minimum viable product out with the goal to roll out improvements later. The product was released, they all patted themselves on the back, and moved on. Then that minimum viable product broke. In a meeting with our directors, we discussed how it was so broken and about the cost to fix it, etc.
They kept saying there was no cost too big, they had unlimited manpower, etc. I asked, "How come we couldn't afford to do it right, but we can afford to do it twice"? They did not like that.
73. Missing Meds
In my high school years, I was a pretty good kid, but my parents always were accusing me of doing ridiculous things. One time, they thought I was stealing my Mom's birth control and giving it to my girlfriend. They woke me up ten minutes before my alarm went off to interrogate me. Here is how it went down, in my half-sleeping stupor:
Mom: “Good morning...we need to talk to you”. Me: “I don't even have to get up yet”. Mom: “Dad and I have noticed my birth control keeps disappearing”. Me: “Gross Mom”. Mom: “Have you been taking my birth control”? Me: “Yes I have mom. I've been taking it for two months, but she still got pregnant".
My Mom gave me a look that was one part angry, two parts concerned, and a final part "that was funny but I better not laugh". They dropped it and never brought it up again.
74. Still Got It
At work a couple of weeks ago, a female coworker needed to look in a drawer I was standing in front of, and she said: “I need to get underneath you.” Without hesitation, I responded with something toeing the line of creepy and clever: “I didn’t know you were into antiques.” I’m 60. Luckily, we both got a good laugh out of it.
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75. Nickel And Diming
I'm proud of this moment in time. I was a senior in high school, enjoying free time at some area-wide meeting, when I walked by a group of kids from another school. Out of the blue, some guy in the group called over to me.
Guy, tossing a nickel in front of me: "Hey dude, give that to your mom for me".
Me: "Huh"?
Guy: "Don't worry about it, just tell her it was for last night".
I got a few chuckles from his group. I replied with an, "Oh"! of recognition, smiled, and picked up the nickel. I then reached into my pocket, pulled out two pennies, and tossed them at his feet.
Me: "There you go".
Guy, sarcastically: "Oh, is this for my mom"?
Me: "Nah, that's your change. My mom charges by the inch".
76. Quick Wit
My boss was showing a coworker some programming-related thing on the computer. Apparently, he did it quite fast, because my coworker said, "Wow, that was quick", to which he responded, with an arrogant smirk, "Yes, I'm the quickest of them all". Hearing this I simply asked, "Is that why you're single"?
The rest of the coworkers exploded in laughter and my boss looked at me with a strange face that looked like "Screw you, but well played".
77. On Parade
This was in Grade 5. We did a parade with our Halloween costumes on. My group of friends and I passed a girl from our class. One of my buddies makes eye contact and says "What are you looking at?" Without even thinking about it, this 5th-grade girl condescendingly says "Not much". And then just sashays away. What a legend.
78. Take It Outside
I was out at a bar with my buddies. Not trying to pick anyone up just looking for a fun night. I went up to the bar to get a drink and there was a girl standing next to me. She ordered, I ordered, and as we were waiting we chatted a bit. Idle stuff, nice weather, good drink choice, what have you. All of a sudden, I was in a nightmare.
This big angry-looking guy pulled my shoulder and turned me around. He got right up in my grill and yelled, "What are you doing talking to my girl"?
ME: "I was just getting a drink and we were having a polite conversation. Leave me alone, dude".
JERK: "I'm gonna fight you".
ME: "What"?
JERK: "Let's go outside, I’m gonna fight you". ME: "Okay, go outside". He turned and walked out the door.
About five to ten minutes later he stomped back in.
JERK: "WHAT’S UP, MAN I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO FIGHT"?
ME: "Sorry bro, I was busy talking to your girl".
The bouncers stopped him from swinging at me, and I got a number and a free drink.
79. Reaching New Heights
My dad is a very large man, 6'5" tall and pretty round. He looks a little like Hagrid when he lets his beard grow long. A friend of his was over one day and my dad was giving him a hard time about being short (I'd guess the guy was about 5'7" tall). Just the usual jokes about being "vertically challenged" or needing a ladder to climb into his truck.
After 10 or 20 minutes of joking around the friend just yelled "I'M SORRY I DON'T HAVE TO BEND DOWN TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB, DAN!"
80. The Metric System
So my full name is pronounced “jess-uhh-lyn” but sometimes people call me Joselin, either because they don't know better or because they know it's annoying to me. Anyway, I was at work in the lunch room with a couple other coworkers, when my one male coworker named Miles said something like, “Hey what's up, JOSelin”.
I immediately turned to him and said, “Shut up, Kilometers”.
81. You’d Better Work
This happened in English class in middle school. Kid A: "Yo”. Kid B: “Your mama waited on me at McDonald’s last night. Must feel bad having a mom that works at McDonald’s". Kid A: "At least MY mom gets out of bed to go to work". But that wasn't the best part.
The English teacher said far louder than he realized: "WOW!" The rest of us were laughing so hard, the teacher next door popped her head in to see what was going on...
82. Keeping Things Regular
I work at a hotel. A few years ago this guest got into a spat with our security officer over something, but she wasn't getting whatever she wanted so she told him he was full of (poop). Our security officer replied immediately, "No I'm not, I took care of that this morning. But thank you for your concern for my good health and regularity".
At this time I was about to bust up laughing so I had to excuse myself to the back office, and as I was leaving I heard him continuing on with this lady.
He was calm and serious, saying, "But I promise I eat a healthy diet full of fiber. It warms my heart to know you're concerned with me having regular bowel movements. So the next time I'm constipated I know you're thinking of me".
It continued on and on, and all the more he was playing this completely straight and it was making the lady madder and madder, and I'm in the back laughing so hard I'm nearly crying. After that spiel was over though she didn't give us any more problems the rest of the night.
83. Taking Candy From A Baby
When I was about 7 years old I wanted some of the bulk candy at the local grocery store. That was the candy you put into the bag, the cashier would weigh the bag and charge by the weight. Me: “Hey mom can I have some candy?” Mom: “No, not today, I didn’t bring enough money with me.” Me: “If you don’t get me the candy I’ll embarrass you!” BIG mistake.
That’s when she backhanded me in the middle of the store and said, “Who’s embarrassed now?” It was me, reader, I was embarrassed. Lesson learned, I never threatened my mother again.
84. Fitness Class
When I was in high school I had an ancient history class with a teacher named Mr O'Neil. He was a really well-educated and well-spoken, but quiet younger guy, a bit chubby with curly blond hair, and he liked wearing bow ties. In this same class was this kid named Jake, who was one of those kids that always acted like a goof to every teacher in order to try and get a laugh.
He was so annoying he actually had a stapler thrown in his direction by another teacher, which is a whole other story. Anyway, I remember one day Mr O'Neil was having trouble reaching the string to pull down the screen for the projector. He would make little jumps and swat at the string, but just barely couldn't get it.
Jake noticed and saw an opportunity, so he yelled out, "What's the matter Mr O'Neil, can't reach"? He and his buddies chuckled to themselves like a bunch of goons in the corner.
Mr O'Neil replied, "No, Jake. I'm just getting my morning exercise," and then he started touching his toes. Coming from a guy like Mr O'Neil it was pretty hilarious. More importantly, it shut Jake up and a majority of the class started laughing at him.
Mr O'Neil became a bit of a hero for being the guy to shut down one of the annoying kids that would always disrupt class.
85. “I Felt Bad”
I used to work with a very conservative, very angry older man who would get triggered if you did not agree with him. Like red face angry. He would always equate my age to being less intelligent than him. I forget what we were talking about. But he went on about how he was wiser given his age. I simply said, "If you’re so smart, then why are we both doing the same job?"
He did not have an answer for me. And then I felt bad afterward for having said it.
86. What’s In The Water
My dad has had a bald spot longer than I can remember. When I was about 13, my family was on a road trip and we had stopped at some random diner to eat. I guess I thought the local water was gross, so I was refusing to drink it. My dad told me, "Just drink it; it will grow hair on your head".
Without missing a beat, I pushed the glass toward him and said, "Maybe you need it more than I do, then". My mom laughed and told him he had walked right into that one.
87. Beautiful People
I went out one time with a very good friend of mine, some other friends, and their friends. Anyway, it just so happened that these two very nice-looking girls were left with me and my mate while the rest of the others were getting drinks or food.
We all just did the usual small talk and then it faded off. Those “hot” girls were really not interested in us regular-looking blokes. So, after about five minutes of uncomfortable silence and ho-humming, one of the girls looked around and said out loud to the other girl making sure we heard it as well, "I wonder where all the good-looking guys are at"?
I instantly thought, "You low scum"! As if that was not directed at us. And at the same time, my mate had some self-esteem issues. He just started to hang his head slowly and slouch.
Without missing a beat I retorted, "They are all probably with all the good-looking girls".
My mate wore the widest grin I had ever seen, and I obviously had a smirk on my face I could not hide. So the two "hot" girls made a humph sound and excused themselves, never to be seen again.
88. Generation Gap
I had an older lady road rage at me. Long story short, I pulled into a parallel space in front of the officers’ precinct station, and she rear-ended me going 30. But she wasn't done!
She backed out, drove up the street, turned around, and then smashed into me head-on, screeching the entire time. The officers came out in time to see her smash me a second time.
I got out all shaky-legged, wide-eyed, and scattered. An officer came and helped me get up the curb, while another was pulling the woman out of her vehicle. She was screaming about young people being bad drivers, screaming at me being a "disrespecting millennial". I replied, "Ma'am I may be a millennial but at least I won't be behind bars for child endangerment you musty bag of skin".
She didn't realize my four-year-old was in the car. The officer busted up laughing as she was screeching about my foul language. I went in for the dirty word insults, as well as calling her a cobwebbed old lady, whatever I could think of. The officer admonished me but was still chuckling. I was pretty sure this lady was purple. She was so angry. I went to her court date.
She lost her license permanently—already had 10 points—she had to do 80 hours of anger management, 120 hours of community service, and was credited for three days in jail. She was 84.
89. Size Matters
I was at a work outing (team-building type thing) and Jerk Coworker had brought his girlfriend and their infant along. The girlfriend was looking in the diaper bag for something and pulled out a rubber, which another coworker proceeded to jokingly declare was the wrong size. Without blinking she reassured him, “It's ok honey, we'll get you some smaller ones!”
90. Seating Arrangements
I'll never forget the moment a family walked into the local pub I was working at while I was working.
This big king-of-the-grill bald alpha patriarch Dad type and his wife and kids came through. I said, "Welcome, where would you like to sit"? And he snapped back, "Well, a table would be nice", and without missing a beat at all, I replied, "Actually, we usually sit on the chairs here". I'll never forget the satisfaction of that moment or the look on his face haha.
91. The Math Error
I had a math teacher in high school who was well known for his outstanding ability to compute fairly complex calculations in his head. He rarely made errors, when he did he usually caught it before the rest of the class did. One day he didn't and this girl piped up in the back of the class, and told him he made an error. Naturally, he checked his work and she was correct.
He thanked her and tried to move on with the lesson. For the next minute, the girl said some of the most hurtful things I imagine a teacher could hear. I don't remember the details but I remember her last sentence was, "I can't believe you made such a huge mistake".
He took a moment, thought about what she said, turned his back to her, and said, "Now your parents and I have something in common". She got up quietly and dropped the class that day.
92. Best. Burn. Ever.
Now, I have two younger siblings, a sister and the youngest, a brother. Anyway, when we were younger my brother, who was in the annoying, no-filter teen phase would tease my sister. He’s not a bad guy now, but was a little brat at that age and will admit it. He would be the first, even at that age to knock a kid down for teasing any of his older sisters.
This time they were going at it and he was teasing her about how she was the 'mistake' child and wasn't planned. And she would retort that FedEx dropped him off. It was very funny to watch. My brother was taking things a little too far and it was no longer funny but annoying to my sister. That’s when my mom came down and laid down the law.
With a completely straight face pointed at me first, then my sister, then him, while saying about each of us, "No, she was a surprise, she was unplanned, you were the mistake". and then calmly walked off to the kitchen to get a drink. My dad poked his head around the corner from the computer just stunned with his mouth open and began to laugh.
My brother, who couldn't help but smile, also had to try and save himself from that savage burn but it was too late. Best. Burn. Ever.
93. Who’s The Boss?
On a Friday, my boss had just fired an insufferable jerk who was disliked by basically everyone despite his fantastic work ethic. The following Monday he comes in to give a little pep talk to the department about how he'll hire a replacement asap. At one point he drops something like, "That Jim guy is such an idiot I almost feel sorry for him. Who would ever hire a guy like that?"
Without hesitation, the new kid who was working there a week at the time drops "Well, you did.” I laughed so hard!
94. Tech Savvy
I was standing behind these two older adults and this teen girl at the gas station last year. She was on her phone and the guy kept looking at her and shaking his head. He eventually snapped at her for “not knowing how to live without technology” and without looking up she smirked and said, “Don’t you have a pacemaker?”
95. Turning You On
I work with one of the biggest jerks around. One day, he told a female coworker she was so ugly that the only thing she could turn on was a hose. Without missing a beat, she replied that at least when she turned something on it got wet. The guy was absolutely speechless, and I laughed so hard, tears started rolling down my cheeks.
96. Re-Jected
A “popular” girl who definitely had no interest in me once jokingly asked me out to prom in front of the whole class. I knew she was just trying to ridicule me—so I gave her a brutal taste of her own medicine. Without a moment's hesitation, I said, “No thanks Lauren, I have standards.” The whole class and the teacher lost it.
97. The Customer Is Always Right, Especially This Lady
I was out to eat, and this younger lady was acting like a total witch in the restaurant to the staff. Everyone was obviously getting really embarrassed by her behavior…until this middle-aged lady piped up and said from her table, “Oh honey, you’re not pretty enough to act like that.” I seriously could have burst out into applause.
98. Man Up
My uncles were complaining about my dad, so I walked into the conversation and told them it wasn't polite to talk about people behind their backs. My uncle turned to me and said I shouldn't interrupt when the men are speaking. Completely out of character, I replied, "I don't see any men in here." Boy did I get into trouble, but that's how I knew I won.
99. Going Out With A Bang
I did not like the overly condescending boss that I had at my last job. One day, while looking over my shoulder at my work as usual, he said: "Can I ask a stupid question?" Since it was my last week at that job anyway, I immediately came back and responded with: "You seem qualified!" I have to say I was pretty proud of myself!
100. Somebody Got Time For That
My little brother has reached the age where half of his communication is done through internet memes. My mom asked him to do a chore, and he replied, "Ain't nobody got time for that!" My mom replied smoothly, "You're a 15-year-old virgin with no job, no girlfriend, and no social life. You've got time for it, bud."
101. Then Why Am I Here…?
Years ago, I went to an interview and sat down with the man who was supposed to interview me. I sat in silence while he read something on his computer for a few minutes, then waited for a minute or so while he looked over my resume. I couldn’t believe what he said next.
He finally looked up at me and said, “Well, I’m not sure why you applied for this job; you really don’t have any of the skills or experience I’m looking for". He was just so arrogant, and I felt like he was trying to make a power move to make a lowball offer. I didn’t apply to any job that I wasn’t qualified for.
I was just instantly annoyed that he was playing games. I calmly said, “Then I’m not sure why you‘re wasting my time,” and I stood and walked to the door. He said something like, “Oh, no, let’s talk,” and I told him I wasn’t interested in working for him.
