“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.”
Being a man has many perks, but it can also be a tough job. Sometimes, the weight of being “manly-men” who never feel anything weighs more than gents are willing to admit. Luckily, Reddit was there to hear their cries and catch their tears. The Internet asked the saddest men of the Internet to disclose the darkest memories and thoughts which they won’t tell anyone in real life. From long-lost loves to disappointed parents to depression that doesn’t get better, being a big boy gets lonely. Grab a tissue to these 43 sad stories about the worst feelings kept by men.
1. Tragedy of Errors
My brother went to rehab when I was fourteen and then came back seven months later. We got close until about another year later when he passed away in a car crash soon after parents’ divorce. Three months later, grandpa died, and then 19-year-old sister got knocked up. Fast forward a couple years and I’m going to college.
Dad has a stroke and paralyzed on the left side of his body. So I come home to take care of him. Only to find out that I am incapable of doing so, alone, at 18. So he moves to Oklahoma and I can’t go back to my other school cause of financials. A couple years later, I was 20, on the same weekend, both my parents got married to another spouse. Without telling me. Either of them. A year later my girlfriend of four years breaks up with me for someone who lived with me through most of it. I am 21 now. That’s my short story.
2. Behind the Laughter
In general, I use my comedy and sarcasm to hide my true emotions when I’m generally pessimistic and hate life. I’m too afraid to open up to friends or people because I don’t know if the time is right and they truly think of me a friend.
3. Father Knows Best
My father grew up in poverty and for his seventh birthday party his mom made a bunch of ham sandwiches (ham being a nice treat for them) and even though they were just plain old bread with mayo and ham he was happy to have them. But when they were passing them out he got one without any ham… just bread and mayo. He told his mom and she said they were all out of ham but to be hush and don’t tell anyone. He didn’t get any ham that day.
He rose up from poverty and built his own business and provided for countless people, vowing to never ever be poor or hungry again. He passed away last year and I heard this story just a few nights ago from my mom. Every time I feel like things are getting tough I remember the ham sandwich my dad never had and how easy I have it. Never fails to motivate me and make me proud to have a dad like that
4. Don’t You Forget About Me
I tell people I like to think about stuff at night, so they leave me alone, but it’s really an excuse for the time I take to cry about everything that I hate about myself. I just don’t want anyone to worry about it.
5. The Grass Isn’t Always Greener
I can’t admit vulnerability and I have really bad social anxiety a lot of the time. I’m constantly afraid that I annoy the people around me by existing and I have terrible self-image despite basically being a normal person. I’m kind of messed up. I constantly think I’m better than people and hate it when people (even my friends) succeed in something that I can’t do myself. I catch myself thinking this frequently—not that it helps. I would NEVER kill myself, but I think about it a lot, and I’m afraid of failing.
6. Missing In Action
I’ve been stood up by the last seven women who have agreed to go out with me. The being stood up was immediately followed by being ghosted. Honestly, I’d rather just hear “no.”
7. Without Passion
I have no major passions, no drive to improve myself, and no drive to get out and connect with folks other than strangers on the internet. I have been depressed before and went to a therapist to help get my head sorted out, and I don’t believe that I am falling back into depression, I just feel like I’m in a car driving along a flat, boring, endless road, and can’t turn the wheel. 23 years in, and this is my life.
As a funny, lighthearted break from the sadness, my most embarrassing story is when I was 15 and went in to for my first kiss, I got nervous and headbutted the girl clean off of the park bench we were sitting on. So laugh, and smile at my expense in this thread that is lined with sad stories, because everyone has a memory that they can laugh at and help get themselves through another crappy day.
8. Don’t Let Me Be a Bother
My Grandpa died two days ago. I’m halfway across the world and I didn’t want to bring down anyone’s day.
9. In the Dumps
I was dumped for the first time ever about a week ago and good God did it suck. The worst part was she left me for her ex and these insecurities I have just rushed up to the surface.
10. Stranger in a Strange Land
I am in a spiral now, I think of ending it almost every week. Recovering alcoholic. Living in a foreign country where I don’t speak the local language, I am trying but it’s really hard. It’s been almost four years now, I can’t go back because there’s almost nothing left for me. The only person from home I rarely talk to is my sister; we exchange a text or she checks up on me every couple of months.
Like all expats, I can’t stay unless I have a job and I am tired of my work. I do enjoy it from time to time, but it’s mentally demanding and I feel like I am losing all hope. I have managed to make it ten days tops before I drink, that’s the only way I can curl up and cry. I don’t want to do this anymore. Wish I can be on a farm somewhere.
I make enough to pay the rent, bills, Netflix, and all other stuff that comes with it, but I would gladly live for less. I want to live somewhere near the coast where I can have a small diner and I can wake up in the morning and serve coffee, eggs, and toast to people. Make little, spend a little. Get a dog, read a book as I go to sleep.
This is the first time I’ve managed to write this and it’s a Tuesday morning that I started by pouring whiskey in coffee. Every day is a struggle and it’s only getting harder and I don’t see a light at the end of this tunnel. I have a wallpaper on my phone with the poem from The Grey: “Once more into the fray, into the last good fight I’ll ever know. Live and die on this day, live and die on this day.”
11. Two Times the Tragedy
I’m constantly stressing over my mom and dog, both were diagnosed with cancer last month. It’s just not anything that I feel comfortable with bringing up to friends.
12. It’s a Lot of Work to Be This Sad
Been depressed most my adult life, manufactured a recovery story because I was sick and tired of upsetting my parents so much and being an emotional burden on people. I have a sweet life, awesome apartment, decent car and work my butt off. I won’t even get a new partner because it wouldn’t be fair to them to deal with it. The only reason I get up in the morning is because maybe someone will try to delight me and then I will get to feel something.
13. Making Do With What I Got
I’m technically homeless with no High School diploma or GED, attempting to take care of my mother who’s had multiple strokes. I try as little as possible to talk about it with people that are close to me, but it takes up a large portion of my life. I just don’t want to burden people with my problems.
14. Burn Me Once, Shame On Me
I still have a hard time approaching girls because of my last rejection. It hurt my self-esteem and confidence pretty badly.
15. Not Funny
People think that I’m some unfeeling person that doesn’t care what is said to them, but the constant “jokes” and comments really hurt.
16. All You Need Is Love
When I had around a year sober (I did it all), I was 19 in sober living and for some reason couldn’t find happiness in anything. I decided I couldn’t be sober anymore but I refused to go back to who I was (I know I was young but trust me I was bad, meth will do that) so obviously, my solution was to kill myself. I tried to hang myself, thankfully my best friend who lived there as well caught me shortly after I blacked out and cut me down.
He took my belt, knives etc. and stayed on top of me dealing with my mental health and saved my life. The positive note being while I still struggle I’m doing better coming up on my three years sober and am content with my life, got a car and an apartment and am in a relationship better than I could have dreamed of with a woman who supports me with care and understanding. Shout out to my best friend for not having me 5150’d, which would have made things worse. Also, this was not my first attempt, just the most recent and the one that had the most profound effect because it was unsuccessful due to someone saving me and showing me immediate unconditional love.
17. Left Behind
I am getting divorced because I couldn’t grow with my wife. Mostly because of depression. I let a little more of me slip every day, until I was a mean, jealous husk of a man. She grew spectacularly—lost 100 pounds and worked her way up the corporate ladder in remarkable time. But I couldn’t enjoy it. Every time I saw her become a better person, it just made it harder to like myself because I couldn’t fathom enjoying life enough to want to make things better. As I fell into a pit of self-loathing, I watched her ascend to a healthy adult life and I couldn’t stand her for it. Eventually, she had enough. Started looking for love outside of the marriage. It’s been two weeks. I miss her.
18. Who’s Next?
Everyone I know is dying right now. Either from old age or taking that final initiative. If they’re not punching their tickets, they’re inflicting impossible injuries on themselves. And due to a lifetime of conditioning, it really feels like I’m the cause.
19. Rising Above It Is Hard
I was relatively privileged growing up in that my parents were just alcoholics instead of alcoholics AND meth heads. My father went away to make more money for us, so he wasn’t around as much as I wanted him to be and now I slightly resent him and my mother for it. I was in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship when I was in my late teens that was bad for both parties. I don’t know if I grew a fear of abandonment from her or from my parents.
I was pretty mediocre as a student but ended up going to community college and then transferring and earning a full scholarship and becoming an honors student at my university. I secretly hate academic life, though. It can be terribly isolating at times, even with all the people you meet. I started doing addy and oxy and drinking alcohol when I got to college too. I can’t really tell you why that I do those things. I guess to validate myself? I don’t know. I’ll never know why I am like this.
Now I’m 21, still in school. I self-harm and write bad poetry in my free time. I’m not exactly suicidal, but not living wouldn’t be worse than constantly obsessing over every single little person that comes into my life. I’m not going to go to counseling services out of fear of being sent away. I’m also never going to tell my parents. So I’m just going to keep doing whatever for now. Whatever really isn’t so bad though.
20. Stuck in the Past
I love my ex too much and I can’t let go. I tried to let go, but then I realized I don’t want to.
21. Checkpoints vs. Chicks
After moving to the US four years ago I’ve regressed so far socially. All through my life I was quite popular and always had friends to hang out with, was never afraid to talk to girls that I was attracted to, etc. But since I moved to start freshman year I didn’t really make any friends til the end of junior year. Also, talking to girls? Forget it. Instead, I’ve put more hours into video games in these last four years than the previous 14 in my life.
It’s better now, but I find myself driving for hours each night thinking I could have done so much better and not wasted high school playing video games, and instead making experiences with people that I can actually see and aren’t just voices on the internet. I’m just glad that my life has been relatively easy compared to many.
22. Happy Birthday to Me
On my birthday last year, I sat in my bedroom hoping to hear from a friend, maybe wanting to hang out. I waited around, all dressed and ready to go for a few hours, before crying and going to bed. Even saw that a couple of my closest friends went out to dinner and to a bar, but I wasn’t invited.
23. I Have to Do This Alone
I have cancer. I’m probably not going to outlive it. I broke up with the love of my life because of it and said there was someone else. I lost a lot of friends over it and I’ll never tell a soul. I wasn’t meant to make her happy and it was harder to do than dealing with the fact that I have cancer. I’d rather them think I’m just another shitty guy than face the sadness. I’m doing better now. Trying to just enjoy whatever is left.
24. Growing Pains
Mom died of cancer in 2008, and dad died of a heart attack in 2015. Since then, the family’s felt less loving and more “We’re obligated to help you grow up because we owe your parents.” Sister’s always been a jerk, but she’s the jerk who makes good choices, is about to graduate in a year and doesn’t do incredibly dumb stuff like drop out of college unannounced, unlike me.
Had my first crush in high school. She rejected my affections, before accepting my buddy’s the following day, which has done wonders for my self-esteem. The next lucky lady in my sights got pregnant from her secret boyfriend, the one after that sort of had mental issues and basically disappeared from the face of the earth, and the latest one has had more girlfriends than I. It’s one thing to not have parents, but it’s another to want to love and be loved by someone, only to be rejected in one form or another time and time again. It is tiring, frustrating, and depressing. Nights are cold, and I hug my pillow in desperate bids to not die from the solitude.
25. Trusting Is Hard To Do
I had a very physically abusive childhood; my stepdad would ensure that I lived in absolute fear from the ages of 4 til 11 when he finally left. But you never really stop fearing a person who has left when they’ve forced so much trauma on you during your early years. When I told my mother about the abuse she said she didn’t believe me, but later told me that she knew the whole time. She just didn’t do anything about it.
I moved around the country a lot during these years too, so I never made friends, I never learned how to connect with people.
Once I hit secondary school I was an emotional shutoff. I barely spoke, and I made my best efforts to just be alone. Of course, this only makes you a target for bullies. School staff didn’t do anything despite witnessing the acts, my mother at this time was a speed (drug, not racing) addict and spent a lot of time either dealing the drug or sleeping with random guys she found. She would often say she had to relieve the stress her kids forced upon her.
The only solace I really had was sitting alone in my bedroom, in a falling-apart grimey house. Occasionally some people at school would attempt to befriend me, but I was so untrusting by that point that I assumed every social interaction was a trick. I lived in a constant and deep depression, I never went out to have fun, I only ever had pens and paper for entertainment. Once school was finished my mother often used me as a drug mule, saying no to this only made my life harder.
At 19, I had the opportunity to escape from that life, but I had no life skills and struggled a lot for a while before eventually getting on my feet a bit. I now have my life together, with a job I like and a good income. However, socializing is still a huge task for me. Even slightly trusting a person doesn’t come easy to me. Some people know that I had a rough past, but don’t know the extent of it. I tell people that I have my own coping mechanisms and that I left it all in the past, but this is false, and I will still fall into a deep depression at times. Panic attacks are also somewhat frequent.
However, the worst part of it all is that I am unable to cut my mother completely out of my life. I have confronted her about everything, but she will deny it, and even turn it around on me. Yet I cannot cut off the avenues of contact. I will even visit her every few months to “keep the peace” and act like everything is fine and happy.
Any attempts at cutting her out of my life just lead to another panic attack and immense guilt. Maybe it’s because she was the only real constant (even if a terrible one) in my life? I find that it helps to share this every now and then online, but I don’t share with people I know because I don’t want the pity.
26. Old Enough to Know When You’ve Been Wronged
When I was 15, I was in a physically and mentally abusive relationship. Everyone wrote it off as “You’re just young, it’s not a big deal” and then when I got the confidence to tell a close friend six years later that it still bothers me, they told me to man up, because it was a real abusive relationship because I was only a child, so now I don’t ever bring it up.
27. Out of the Closet, But In It Alone
Just got out of a five-year relationship that we kept hidden because his family is homophobic. Plus, my best friend stopped talking to me, and I don’t know why. Also, I moved to a new city, and I’ve never felt so alone in my life.
28. What’s Up, Pussycat?
I think my cat is dying and I really don’t think I’m going to handle it well when I lose him.
29. Meal Ticket
Had someone that I had hung out with for a while and thought we were going to be good friends. Looked at her phone and my name in it was “Free Food” and apparently, she would just hit me up when she was hungry. That one stung.
30. Just Beat It
Pornography is destroying my life and has been since I was 14. I’m 26 now and I can’t stop. So I’m in a downward spiral of depression and anxiety that gets worse every day as I beat myself up with regret and not being the man I should be. I just put on a happy face around people to mask my emptiness.
31. Brothers Are Forever
This was when I was a little kid, it was only me my mom and my brother who was dying, dad left us because “it was too much responsibility to take care of us.” I loved my bro. He would always be there even in the moments when we were living with our crazy aunt and she used to hit us and lock us in a dark room. When my brother died I had nothing to remember him by, except his TMNT toys, and I would play with them all day.
I didn’t have a photo of us because when we moved to a new city we got mugged and lost a lot of things, including boxes with photos of us. One day while I was playing with my bro’s toys I managed to open a TMNT lunch box and there it was a photo of my Bro, his toys and me, I was as happy as a little kid could get, I showed it to my mom and she also got happy.
She grabbed the photo and went to make it bigger, a couple days later my mom got back with a huge envelope, when she opens the thing it was a giant version of the photo, only that it was the toys and my brother. I asked where was I? She gave me the strip of the photo of me that was cut up and told me “This is to remember your brother, not you.” I went to my room while holding the cut out, went under my bed looked at my cut of self and started crying and kept repeating over and over again “I love you, I love you, I love you.”
32. Waiting for Something
Not really a story. I’m just tired of feeling like a failure and disappointing my family. I kinda just want to die, but I can’t kill myself because my mom thinks people who commit suicide are weak. So I just kinda wish someone would do it for me.
33. And Then There Was One
I feel as though I’ve been left behind. All my friends I know in real life are gone. They either left for uni, jobs, started families etc., and no longer talk to me. My best friend from school stung the most though. After his kid was born, I went around to his house with a card and gift. He turned me away at the door and has not spoken to me since. I have friends online and stuff, but my local social life is nonexistent now. I try to be stoic about it, but deep down it’s just lonely.
34. A Big Weight to Carry
I’m tall and decent looking but I’m also a try-hard/needy/lonely guy so I tend to attract girls with baggage and have relationships that last just long enough for me to fall in love before I get dumped.
35. Hello Darkness My Old Friend
Lost the girl I loved more than anything by being a clingy, drunk jerk. Which caused my depression to come back for the first time in two years.
36. Misery Hates Company
Just a few years ago, almost every day there were times I would just feel very, very down, I felt like I was all alone, the world around me was so empty of sound and color and I felt like I wanted to cry. Yet all I did was sit there staring ahead of me. I have never told anyone about these long bouts of loneliness, and these days I have mostly conquered them. I did see it all as weakness and I really don’t want help with it, seeing what other things people might find out. There are some things I will not tell here.
37. Runaway Bride
I just married my best friend and she left me three weeks after the wedding. This just happened and a still trying to process.
38. The Dates Not Taken
I spent a lot of time at University with a beautiful girl I liked that I knew I did not have a shot with. This happened to me at university a little over a year ago at the end of the fall semester. There was a girl I had met the previous semester (Spring) in a literature class and at first, I didn’t take any notice to her.
She sat right next to me and the first day I saw her in class the teacher said her name during roll call (it was a small class of about 15 students) and asked where she was from and she answered “St. Petersburg, Russia.” This immediately caught my attention because I have an interest in Russian culture/history. But I had this mentality that she was way too beautiful for me, so I just nodded my head and thought to myself, “Don’t even think about it. Not in a million years, man.” I knew she was out of my league, so I didn’t think about trying to talk to her.
However, as the semester went on she would lean into me and point to a word in a book we were reading and say, “What’s this word?” And I would whisper the answer and try to give her a synonym, so she would understand. We then got put into a group of five people for a short writing assignment. She and I started to talk a little more, and then one day after the assignment was over she asked me for help with something for another class.
She just needed me to proofread an assignment that she had fully written, since English was not her first language. Afterward, she wanted to go get something to eat at our school’s food court. After this day we would get together after class at least once a week and got to know each other a little more. She would honestly talk to me in a way that made me believe in myself. She was so encouraging and listened to what I had to say, and I would listen to her. The conversations we had were so real, open, and honest. They were almost intimate.
Anyway, summer came, and we texted sporadically, and I was certain I would never see her in person again. Fall semester started up and it was really crummy. I hated my classes, and the first Thursday of the semester my mom ended up in the ER for a possible mini-stroke. Whatever it was she is fine and didn’t suffer any permanent damage.
The next day, Friday, I woke up and saw on my phone that she had texted me about an hour before I woke up (I silence my phone at 10 PM every night). She wanted to get together when we had a break in between classes. We set up a time, and when we met she gave me a big hug and we caught up on everything that happened throughout the summer.
We would get together again at least once a week, and then in late September, she told me she was transferring to another school, which was just in the next town over, but I knew our days of getting together were limited from that point forward. We didn’t see each other too much throughout all of October and the majority of November.
After Thanksgiving break, we started getting together at school in the evenings after I got off work at five, and we would be in the library until it closed at midnight. She would ask me to keep her company while she worked on an assignment, and I would ask the same and she would comply. She would sit really close to me and rub her leg against mine and lean into me so close I could smell her perfume. One night we went to Denny’s just to get hot chocolate, and I didn’t get her home until about 2 AM.
I cherished every one of these nights that we spent together in the library as they were happening because I knew they would not last. I knew once she went to the other school she would meet someone different. Someone who was a bit more confident than I am. Someone who had better aspirations. We got together a few more times the semester after she transferred and one night she dropped it on me. There was a guy she met at her new school that she really liked, but she didn’t think or know if he felt the same about her.
I was gutted. I finally asked her out for Valentine’s day and she actually said yes. I don’t know why. We went to a pizza place in my hometown about eight miles away from our schools and we spent two hours there just talking. She told me stuff about her past that I don’t think she would just casually tell anyone. At the end of the night as I was dropping her off at her place I told her that I didn’t know how this guy she met felt about her but that I really enjoyed the time we spent together outside of school and I would like to do it more.
She knew what I meant, and she just said, “Good to know,” got out of my truck and walked to her apartment. And that was the last time I ever saw her. She texted me the next day and said she did not feel the same, and she was going to tell the other guy how she felt about him. I wished her luck and accepted it. For all I know, she might be married to him and they may be expecting their first kid by now because that’s how it works where we live.
Looking back, I do not miss that last night we spent together on Valentine’s Day, but I do miss the nights in the library because I knew to hold on to those feelings, and how she made me feel when she needed my help on an assignment and I was the one to provide the help. I really, truly hope the guy she liked did not turn her down, and I hope she is happy. While I was really sad when it happened, I knew to keep my composure and not crawl across the floor and beg her to date me, which I am really proud of. This year has led to a lot of personal growth and self-actualization, and I am grateful that I am not sitting here wondering what could have been.
39. Is There a Brake Signal for Crying?
For a few years, I’d take drives at night just so I could pull off the side of the road and cry. No reason in particular, just life being sort of depressing at that point. I couldn’t let my friends or family see me like that. My GF at the time had mentioned to me how she’d lost respect for one of her male friends for his being “overly emotional” about something, so I just avoided any discussions about feelings with her. Looking back, I get that she was just a bad person, but the threat of people losing respect for you if you display emotional “weakness” as a man is a legitimate issue.
40. The War at Home
This started in January of 2017. I’m still dealing with the effects today. My dad cheated on my mom with a woman who took him off his meds. Which caused a domestic violence dispute where I ran out of the house calling 911. I went into hiding for a couple of days not wearing shoes or even having my wallet. Then months of more screaming and yelling every night.
My cat died during that time. I also failed student teaching during that time. I tried it again in the fall and failed student teaching twice. That bruja my dad messed with messaged me and tried to lure me somewhere to do God knows what. My mom has gone nuts and thrown stuff and yelled at me for no reason even though I technically saved you that one night, Mom.
I’m broke poor working minimum wage while trying to take classes to get a degree in absolute garbage. I don’t have enough money to buy a car for myself. My brother fails all his classes and won’t say what’s wrong with anything. My dad has been on meds since February of last year and hasn’t worked since January because he’s a freaking bum and won’t get even a part-time job.
He says he can’t work because he’s in anger management classes but still, he can work in a store or something but no he won’t swallow his freaking pride so his family doesn’t have to suffer financially. I’m in financial hell. All my friends and family think I’m crazy and they don’t know my struggles or anything I’ve been through. I go to church every week and ask God what have I done to deserve this? I live in a broken home and all of my dreams FREAKING DIED. So thanks, dad. I hope you’re freaking proud of what you did.
41. Sick of It
Probably going to be buried, but whatever. Good chance to get this off of my chest. By all measures, I’ve had quite a privileged life, given that I come from a working-class family. Heck, I even made it into an amazing private university. Coming from a time and place where the people at the food bank would occasionally give us more than the other people since we were so poor, I really can’t complain.
But my God, these past few years have been difficult. College, while I’ve been immensely privileged to attend, has also been utter garbage. And it’s not the university. It’s life circumstances. During the time that I’ve been in college, my own health has deteriorated quite a bit. Chronic diseases are a nightmare, to put it mildly.
This has made it incredibly difficult to manage school. And because I can’t afford enough tests to get an official diagnosis, I’ve gone through four years of college with zero assistance, even though I would be entitled to it. Though reasonably, the doctor that I see and I both know that I have EDS and likely fibromyalgia, as I have virtually every symptom of both, and they both run in the family.
My mom’s health has also steadily gone downhill. My stepdad was hit by a car on his way to work and was lucky to survive (the doctors had given him about a 10% chance of living and not being a vegetable). But, he suffers from a severe TBI. My uncle very unexpectedly dropped dead last year. I’m just so freaking tired of life being an uphill battle constantly. I’m tired of being in chronic pain. I cannot remember the last time that I was pain-free (excluding those times that I’ve had too much to drink). And it just gets worse every year. And I’m a young adult, with decades of life ahead of me. I have to say, I’m really not looking forward to the future.
42. Men Can Like to Be Affectionate Too!
I was in an eight-year relationship with a girlfriend who wasn’t a huge fan of cuddling. I woke up one night to find she was spooning me. It felt really nice, because she rarely did it, if ever. I asked her if she could do it more often and told her it made me feel really nice. She said probably not. I’m glad we broke up.
43. Gone Too Soon
After my father left, my mother and sister were very depressed. My mother spoke every night about how much she wanted her life to be over. My sister took up cutting her own wrists and almost ODed on purpose with her meds. I had to pretend to enjoy life and enjoy hearing about all of their issues with no one for me to talk to. I thought about ending it all often but couldn’t abandon my family like my father did.
It was at this time I started working with my grandfather. He was one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. I spent countless hours learning so many amazing things that only an old person who grew up fixing their own equipment could know. He was finally someone I could trust to help me become a better man in every sense of the word. He was what I wished my father could have been.
As he grew older his mind began to slip. He would go days without getting any real sleep, always worrying about small issues that most of us wouldn’t even think twice about. After a series of extremely stressful events, he couldn’t take it anymore. He waited til we were alone on his property, walked up to where he asked me to wait, and blew his brains out with a .38 special. I didn’t see him do it directly, but I knew what he had done. I’ve never been so scared in my entire life, trying to hope it wasn’t him but knowing that around any tree was the corpse of the man I loved so much.
I finally found him laying just behind his favorite fountain. I had to call my own grandmother to tell her that she was a widow. I can never tell this story to anyone. My grandfather was the greatest man I ever knew. What killed him was an illness of the mind, not his own will. I can never tell this story because I won’t let anyone think poorly of my grandfather.