When I leave the house, I’m lucky if I see a cute dog. However, other people seem to have a special knack for ending up in those *record scratch* “You’re probably wondering how I ended up here”-type of bizarre situations. These Redditors came together to tell us about their one-in-a-million story—and they’re all absolutely jaw-dropping.
1. Pick On Someone Your Own Super Size
My friend recently witnessed a guy walk into a McDonald’s, slam his cheeseburger on the counter, and proceed to scream at the cashier about finding a hair in it. After rambling for about three minutes, my friend confronts him and says: “Hey man, it’s not her fault. I think you should go.” The man yells “This is between ME, and McDONALD’S, man! I’m done with McDonald’s! DONE! You people are disgusting! You know what I think of McDonald’s?!”
He then unwraps his burger, and starts punching it with both fists, rapid fire, ketchup and mustard splattering all over the counter. Then he fixed his tie, and calmly walked out.
2. Avengers Assemble
Halloween weekend a few years ago, and I’m on my way to the bar with a few friends when we hear a LOT of shouting. A group of scallys (poor British thugs) are trying to start something with a guy dressed as Spider-man outside a chip shop. All we can make out is that they think he should grow up and they would like to physically make him agree—although less eloquently, they are after all, simpletons.
So the guy dressed as Spider-man drops his chips showing no sign of being upset by the ordeal and puts his fists up. As he does this, about 10 different guys dressed as comic book characters jump out of the chip shop and strike outlandish poses, ready to fight. Everyone loses their minds. It’s like one part of them doesn’t know how to process what’s going on, and the other part is screaming “Run!”
I mean, what would you do if you ended up in an accidental face off against 11 superheroes? Laughs were had by all but the meanies.
3. Brings A New Meaning To No-Fault Collision
I was driving out in the boonies and I saw a man towing a late 80s Honda with another late 80s Honda. Now, this wasn’t such an odd thing to see in the area. If you couldn’t afford the tow truck, you just got a buddy, some rope, and another car. As long as you always braked carefully and slowly the guy behind could also brake, and the bumpers would only touch a bit.
There would be some scratches, but nothing you couldn’t live with. This man was doing this task solo though. I’m not sure how long the man had been doing this for, but he was going about 45 mph, so he must have been pretty confident in his abilities. However, when the deer leaped out into the road, his reflexes took over and he slammed on the brakes, leaving the second car to slam into his first car. It was a perfect example of watching a crash in slow motion…because it happened in slow motion. Both cars were totalled.
4. Not So Fast
I got beat-up in grade school for touching a kid’s bike—but I had never touched anybody’s bike, and didn’t know the kid. It happened in a pretty public and crowded time of day at the school, meaning that it was at the end of the day when all the parents were picking up their kids after school. My mom watched it happen as she had pulled up just as it was happening.
She got out and chased the kid off just as he was already finishing his crazy rant about how he thought I was going to take his bike. This wasn’t the crazy part. The crazy part was after the kid ran off, he hopped on his bike and started riding away. Another mom saw the fight, and subsequently chased down the kid when he ran off.
In front of tons of other moms, and maybe a couple of dads, and plenty of kids in the school, she tackled the kid down, picked him up by the color of his shirt, and carried him into the school to confront the principal. Toughest mom I’ve ever known, and I never even got to learn her name.
5. Feeding Time
This guy was sitting at the train station waiting for his train. As he was waiting, he was eating a bag of chips. A lot of pigeons were eyeing his chips enviously. So he threw a chip out on the platform. Several pigeons immediately flew down and grabbed it. Then he threw another chip. Having seen that nothing bad happened to the first couple of pigeons, several more pigeons flew down and fought for the chip.
The guy did this several more times, each time getting more and more pigeons fighting for the chip. Finally, the train came to the station and the doors opened. People got on but the man just continued to sit there. Just as the doors were about to close, the man threw the entire bag of chips onto the train. The entire flock of pigeons, well trained by now, promptly swarmed into the train car furiously fighting over the chips.
The doors closed and the train pulled away…filled with pigeons and commuters, both trapped and furious.
6. Why Did The Chicken Cross The Food Court?
My husband and I were in a mall in the DC area in the early 90s. At that time, Mary Lou Retton was hyping Tyson chicken products near the Mall food court. We took a look and say: “Oh, hey, that’s Mary Lou Retton” and walked past. Out of a service door comes a man in a pretty terrible-looking chicken costume being led by a girl in tie-dye and dreadlocks. Sensing epic misfortune about to unfold, I grab my husband and we follow them back to the food court.
Sure enough, the chicken throws a water balloon or something filled with red liquid resembling (might have actually been) blood at Mary Lou Retton and her crew as they are frying up delicious Tyson chicken in front of a crowd of soccer moms and their kids. The girl shouts something about Tyson being murderers and in an instant the chicken is underneath a large security guard—but the best was yet to come.
As they are leading the chicken away, his girlfriend is shouting: “Don’t hurt him! Stop choking the chicken!”
7. Nailed The Landing
I was watching fireworks from the side of Citadel Hill in Halifax in the late 70s, and there was a pre-fireworks parachute jump. I forget what they were supposed to do on the way down. I distinctly remember watching as disaster struck. One of the little black dots just kept falling until he was hidden behind the trees. He was easily two miles away, so we didn’t hear the thump, but it was clear what had happened.
The fireworks went on as scheduled and the news that night confirmed that one of the jumpers’ parachutes had failed to open. Here’s the kicker. The guy landed in a backyard in a pile of sods that were waiting to be put on the front lawn. He got up and walked away. Not in a straight line I mean, he was obviously impacted by the event, but he was fine.
8. Smelling Good Is Priceless
A few years ago while visiting Washington DC, I saw a guy walk up to another man with a backpack. He pulled a bottle of Febreze out and sprayed it. The other man took a deep sniff and handed him a fat roll of cash and received a few more bottles of Febreze. I still have no idea what I witnessed.
9. Save Our Souls
During Halloween one year I decided to hit up Mill Ave. in Tempe, which is a strip of shops, bars and clubs right next to ASU. There was this church group there re-enacting the crucifixion of Jesus, and generally calling out for people to repent and condemning the “pagan holiday of hollows eve” or whatever. This group was really into this, they had props with fake blood, Roman centurions, a huge cross with a guy dressed as Jesus hanging from it; the works.
But that wasn’t the funny part—this was. There was this guy dressed as the devil standing in front of them with a clipboard. On the clipboard was contracts for your soul. He was buying them for $5. He had a lineup of people selling him their souls. The church group was in complete shock. I mean, they looked on the verge of tears every time someone signed the contract.
They were begging and pleading with people to not do it. I stood and watched this for about an hour. It was absolutely priceless.
10. The Battle Of Parry Sound
I got out of a movie in downtown Parry Sound. All of a sudden, a breaks out between the movie goers and the bar across the street. There had to be a good 20 to 30 people tossing snowballs across the street. People were using parked cars for cover and sneak attacks. People who weren’t involved would get hit and then join in.
My girlfriend at the time was hiding in a store front door when some old man threw a snowball right at her face. This went on for over a half hour. Even cars that were driving down the street were getting pelted from both sides. It was the greatest random occurrence I’ve ever experienced.
I was on my way to work and nearing an intersection when the car in front of me slowed down well before the light. It was a dark green Jaguar. It stopped abruptly in the left lane and before I could merge into the right lane to pass it, the driver jumped out. It was a young woman wearing a tank top, sweatpants and flip-flops, which seemed odd since it was a chilly, overcast day, and it had just started raining.
The look on her face was anxious, and after jumping out of the car in the middle of the street, she sprinted towards the gas station, leaving the car door open and losing one of her flip-flops in the process. About the same moment she was running inside the gas station, two black sedans also stopped on the street, one behind me and one in the right lane. I still don’t really understand what happened next.
Four or five heavily armored men get out, a few of them holding what looked like assault rifles. They were dressed all in black, and had bulletproof vests on that said “AGENT.” They honestly looked like they walked right out of a movie. I was already late for work so I had to drive away, and I never saw anything on the news about it.
12. Lean Into It
So I was loitering with a couple of friends in a little village-style outdoor mall that’s pretty popular in my city. Without warning, a massive group of people turned the corner onto the street and started walking down it together at a brisk pace. Not a flash mob, no one’s shirtless, just a group of what had to be 300 or 400 people all walking together, and as they’re walking, the ones on the fringes of the train are calling out to passersby to join in.
There’s no indication of where the group is going or why, and no one is explaining themselves or holding signs or anything. We’re near the end of the street, watching more and more people latch onto the group out of sheer curiosity as it moves en masse towards us, and I said, “Heck, let’s go.” So we tacked on to the side of the train and followed it for 10 minutes or so into the heart of the mall, where there’s a small park with a sculpture garden and a fountain.
By that point, there were way too many people to come close to fitting in the park. I would estimate at least a thousand packed together. The guy who was leading the parade approached this young woman who was sitting on one of the benches there, who was looking pretty bewildered at being surrounded by hundreds of strangers.
Another young guy who was with him, sort of a ringleader-type, turned to face “us” as a group and started to shout-sing “Lean On Me.” With no idea what was going on, the rest of the group joined in until there were enough people to fill an auditorium all singing Lean On Me together to this complete stranger of a girl in the park. We got about a minute in (to the end of the second chorus) before the guy’s friend shushed us by raising both hands, and everyone went dead silent. That’s when we finally learned what was happening.
The guy who was leading the parade got on one knee and proposed to the girl. She said yes. Everyone cheered and dispersed, more or less. It’s one of my favorite memories, just because of the sense of being part of something greater, for no reason except that we were all human. With no idea where we were going or why, we still joined the parade of people and sang to this guy’s wife-to-be, because it was a good thing to do.
13. Kids Say The Darnedest Things
There’s this child crying in a shopping trolley in the mall. Didn’t get sweeties, so threatens mother at full volume, “IF YOU DON’T GET ME SWEETIES, I’M TELLING EVERYONE YOU HAD DADDIE’S WILLY IN YOUR MOUTH!” The mother lifted child out of the trolley, using it to shield her identity, and ran out of thee mall. She never came back for her groceries.
14. One Man’s Extra Is Another Man’s Ordinary
I worked at Check into Cash for a little while. I was running a field call. Thats where I go to the peoples’ houses to collect the money when they were late or skipped out. Anyways I went to the rougher part of town I turned a corner and the next thing I know this skinny chick falls out of the window and starts running. Shortly after that, a BIG lady comes out with a toaster and throws it at the lady running away—but it doesn’t end there.
A skinny dude comes flying out of the house as well. The big lady turns around and kicks the dude in the nuts. Then…everyone went back inside. The lady I needed to see lived directly above them. Laughing, she tells me: “That happens ALL THE TIME.”
15. Don’t Have A Cow
I was studying in the UK, and one night some British teens thought that it would be hilarious to bring a cow into the dorm’s lobby. The cow was from a nearby farm. They brought the cow in during the night and took it up the stairs to the floor lobby area. But there was one problem they didn’t predict. Apparently, cows know how to climb stairs but cannot come down a flight of stairs.
Basically when I went to visit my friend, I step out of the lift and there’s a cow in the hallway and a couple of people looking at it with a mix of fear/ surprise. I immediately took the lift back down and told my friend I would meet him elsewhere. Didn’t want to get involved.
16. Gone In 60 Seconds
I was at a transit plaza of some kind in Monterey CA in the mid-1980s on a weekday. It was just a big open area with benches and stuff and some decorative column-things with lots of bus stops on three sides. My memory of the area is a little hazy. Anyway there are only about 10 people in the whole area, and five of them were wearing suits and sunglasses and crew-cuts and were very fit.
They weren’t wearing identical clothing or anything, just similar business suits and sunglasses. Finally some dude walks into the plaza off the sidewalk and one of these guys just steps in front of him with both hands up, palms towards the guy. Suit-guy-#1 says “There’s no need to make a scene sir, just stay calm,” while the other guys all come up behind and on both sides of Mr. Some Dude.
He just keeps repeating variations on this theme: “Just stay calm sir, we don’t want to cause any trouble do we? Let’s not make a scene” and Some Dude is obviously completely perplexed. He has NO IDEA what is happening. It takes them all about 15 seconds tops to crowd him into the back door a car that JUST THEN pulled up. A black or dark blue Caprice.
The whole thing was over and they were gone in less than a minute, maybe less than 45 seconds. Some Dude was just some dude too, he was totally normal-looking. He was wearing a red rugby shirt and jeans. Parts of this episode are so clear to me even now that I could probably pick his face out of a line-up if I had to. I remember deliberately trying to imprint the entire scene into my mind as firmly as I could as I walked briskly away. I was so paranoid for the next week that my friends thought I was on something.
17. Three Strikes, You’re Out
We were at this McDonald’s in Las Vegas around three in the morning. This guy was trashed so he got his burger, and as soon as he got to his seat, the burger fell and splattered everywhere. Mind you, this place is super crowded with people, so everyone erupts in laughter and the token guy in the background yelling “OWNED.”
Anyway, the guy walks back to the counter gets another burger, as he returns to his seat the crowd starts cheering him on to eat the darn thing before he drops it…but lo and behold, burger carnage again. By the third time he gets to the counter, we are walking out. I still can’t believe what happened to this poor guy. I see the guy run outside with his prized burger and is about to take a bite…when some random runs up to him, and SLAPS the burger out of his hand and runs away.
18. What A Long Strange Trip It’s Been
I was headed to the apartment of a boyfriend at the time. While walking down the hall to his door, I noticed something strange about the door of one of his neighbors. It had…things glued all over it. Random household items. I distinctly remember a milk carton, a tube of mascara, and one of those cheap plastic masquerade masks you get at a craft store. I’d never noticed it before.
I believe my guess at the time was that it was the result of some kind of prank. Anyway, I point it out to my boyfriend, we have a chuckle, and then head inside for breakfast. We’re enjoying the last of a very delicious frittata when, suddenly—the fire alarm starts ringing. We wait about 30 seconds, just in case it’s a false alarm. It’s still ringing.
So we climb out the window and onto the fire escape, and make our way downstairs. When we open the door of the courtyard to get out onto the street, we notice a guy, shirtless, looking frazzled, trying to put on his shoes. A lot of the tenants standing outside at this point are in pajamas, bathrobes, etc…so we think nothing of it.
Then we realize: he’s not putting his shoes on—he’s taking them off. Then he gets up, and starts pounding and yanking as hard as he can on the door of the building. He then begins screaming and hollering about how he’s “married to the building,” and other nonsensical things. At this point, the fire department has arrived to deactivate the alarm.
Everyone is beginning to get agitated by guy, and hoping that the fire department can maybe do something about it. They mostly just shrug…but one of them turns to the guy and tries to talk to him as another one radios law enforcement. Dude BOLTS, full speed, down the street, away from the building. At that point, we pretty much figure, “Hey, problem solved.”
The fire department deactivates the alarm. The officer that was previously called is being informed of the situation, and we’re all about to head back inside. Then someone yells, “Hey! There he is!” And here comes shirtless booking with a lady officer hot on his heels. He crashes into the front door of the building, and starts yanking on the door again.
The big officer that was already on the scene takes him down, HARD. I actually felt pretty bad for the guy, to be honest. They shove his screaming behind into the back of the car and drive away. Later, we’re informed that the door with the things glued on it did indeed belong to shirtless guy. Apparently he had been slipped something at a party the night before, and was still tripping at nine the next morning.
Never figured out exactly what happened to him after that.
19. Edward Scissorhands Takes The Train
I was taking a train at night and some guy was standing with his back against the nearest door, scissors in both hands, and just snipping at air.
20. Good Old-Fashioned American Hospitality
I’m Canadian, and I was on a road trip with my friends when we broke down in Buffalo, NY. We had to wait while they put a new exhaust on, so we said we’d take a walk. The staff advised us not to, as it was a rough area. We were 19, and from Canada, what’s the worst that could happen? After walking through a couple of blocks by these burnt-out houses, we decided to turn around and get back to the shop ASAP.
We walk around a corner only to see a group of five large young men ahead of us. They notice us, turn, and walk in our direction. Instant anxiety…do we run…do we plead for our lives? We decide to do the Canadian thing and just keep walking like nothing’s going to happen. The “gang” reaches us after a few seconds, kind of does a half-circle around the two of us. There is no escape.
What appears to be the leader makes contact and says: “Yo, we got a question for you guys!” We sheepishly reply: “Uhhh, yeah?” I’ll never forget what he said next. He looks at us and asks: “What’s the plural form of penis? Penises?” I reply: “Um, I think so.” One of the other guys blurts out “See, I told you man!” They all laugh, thank us, and tell us to have a good day.
21. Grandma Comes First
Two brothers fighting in a parking lot while their grandma is trying to stop them. During the brawl, grandma fell while trying to stop the two, they help her up and make sure she’s not hurt, then proceed to whoop on each other for about five minutes. Then they just got in their car and left.
22. Weekend At Bernie’s
I once saw an elderly guy pushing an old man in a wheelchair in the subway. The man in the wheelchair wore sunglasses even though it was not a sunny day, and had staring eyes behind them. He also had his feet crossed in a way no old man would have. His hand were really pale and folded on his lap. I could not see him breathing. But that wasn’t the strangest part.
The elderly man who was pushing the wheelchair was also holding the old man’s head the whole time. Not gently, but really holding it with his two hands, as if it would fall off. I still don’t know if he was dead, a puppet, or really sick. But it was somehow really scary.
23. This Show Is For The Birds
A man was “walking” down the sidewalk like a chicken, strutting and flapping his bent arms. I ducked behind a building to avoid interacting and waited a while until I figured he was on his way. When I peeked around the corner of the building to make sure he was gone, there he was posed on one leg with one of his “wings” behind his head and the other tucked under his armpit.
I really went the other way then. It was a public enough setting that I wasn’t in danger. I wonder now why he wasn’t making clucking sounds.
24. Getting Away On A Technicality
This was near Chinatown in San Francisco. I was riding a bus when an old woman got on with a live chicken. The driver told her to get off; no live animals allowed on the bus. They argued for a short bit. So she got off, broke the chicken’s neck, then got back on the bus.
25. The Blind Leading The Blind
I was once walking down the street. I saw two people walking together. Their arms were tightly linked together, one was guiding the other, so I assumed one was blind and one wasn’t, but they both had sticks. I could see where they were going to walk, and I just looked on in amazement as they were getting closer and closer.
She led the blind man straight into a lamppost.
26. The Suit Makes The Man
I could’ve sworn I was on one of those hidden camera shows one time. I went to the Social Security office to legally change my name after I got married. The guy next to me on the elevator practically ran to grab a number before I got there. I go in and sit down and Mr. In-a-Hurry sits next to me and tells me how he bought a suit for a job interview in Vegas and someone took them and his wallet with all his money and credit cards.
He happened to see one of his suits on some guy on the street and decided that he should go beat the guy up—obviously! Anyway, law enforcement shows up and takes him in. Can you believe that! The guy with his suit and wallet got off scot-free and now he is in jail overnight and he has to sleep on the dirty floor!
I nod, politely like “Yeah, that happens to the best of us.” Finally, I am rescued by the good looking business man sitting next to me. He’s there with his sister. Trying to make small talk, I ask him if he’s there on his lunch break, as he appears to have just come from work. I think I’m saved from the suit guy—but I was so wrong.
“No,” he says “I haven’t been able to work for a year. They say I have problems, but they’re wrong. They made me go to a place for a while, but they’re just trying to take my ideas.” Huh… “I write sometimes, but I know someone wants to copy what I write, so I burn it all. You HAVE to burn it all.” The conversation continues like this for 10 minutes until business man stands up, looks around suspiciously, mumbles something, and walks away.
Then the first guy looks at me like “Can you believe these people?!?!” Anyway, should’ve kept my maiden name.
27. Playing With Fire
My wife and I and another couple are walking out of an upscale, suburban restaurant one evening and are saying goodbye right near the outside dining area where there are about 50 diners. Just then an officer pulls up and walks up to us. He’s my neighbor and a pretty cool dude but of course…nobody else knows that, so I come up with an unforgettable prank.
I walk up to him aggressively, finger pointing at his face, and start yelling, “Why don’t you get your behind out of here now!” but with more profanity. I keep going on and on, and he plays along. I turned around and the look on our friends’ faces was pure shock and terror (along with the outside diners). We then cracked up and introduced each other.
On a relatively busy subway, an obviously tired professional-looking lady drifted off to sleep in her seat. At the next stop a guy gets on the train who has a bad hacking cough and is also carrying a pungent odor with him. He sits in the chair opposite the sleeping lady and this is when his hacking cough becomes more noticeable. A few minutes later, he coughs so violently a globule of what is either sputum or saliva lands on the lapel of the sleeping lady.
The guy gets off at the next stop and now the whole train carriage is looking at the sputum on the lady’s jacket. Well, she finally jerks awake and the first thing she notices is everyone staring at her. She is obviously taken aback by this and quickly tries to figure out why we are all looking. That’s when she notices the saliva/phlegm. She must’ve thought that she was drooling when she slept because instead of cleaning it off with a tissue she decided on another course of action. It was so gruesome that I’ll never ever be able to unsee it.
She darted her eyes around the carriage and then as if in slow motion she lifted the lapel up to her lips and quickly sucked up the sputum/saliva globule. We all wanted to stop her but none of us did. She acted so quickly there was nothing we could do to stop her. After she had sucked up the phlegm it was too late to say anything and we all wordlessly agreed it was better to let her continue believing that it was her own saliva/sputum.
29. Unlicensed Dr. Pimple Popper
I was standing in line for a ride at Six Flags Magic Mountain and some girl was popping her boyfriend’s face pimples. Gross, but not out of the ordinary, right? Wrong. She was using her teeth and popping them into her mouth. Easily the most disgusting thing I’ve ever witnessed.
30. Caught In The Act
In Boston, midday in the summer in a crowded area, a rather large woman was mounted on top of a slightly less large man who was lying down on the ground face up. His pants were around his ankles. They were belligerently yelling at each other to no end. I was there when a couple of officers arrived and basically had no idea how to approach the situation. It was funny as heck.
31. Every Dog Has Its (Off) Day
I turned a corner on a footpath in the city I went to university in. About half a dozen people on both sides of the road had stopped and were looking at something in the middle of the road. I looked and saw something horrifying. A blind man was being led, by his guide-dog, down a main road, and into oncoming traffic. The lights had just turned green and the traffic was a good 20 meters or so away, so I ran over and told him that he was in the middle of the road and walking into traffic.
He didn’t believe me and I had to grab his arm and take him onto the footpath. The biggest thing that bothered me was the people who were just watching without helping.
32. Locked Up
I watched a guy pick up hair from a plastic bag and eat it—but that wasn’t even the craziest part. At the next stop, law enforcement officers got on the train and detained him—it turned out to be his ex-girlfriend’s hair.
33. A Monkey And A Dog Walk Into A Parking Lot
As a man that has reached the ripe old age of 48 I can promise you I have seen some weird stuff go down. This one totally takes the cake for me though. I was waiting out front of a truck stop back in the mid-80s. Sitting on a park bench with a guy that had a big Rottweiler-kinda dog on a leash with him. I tried to make small talk but he was quite a sourpuss.
We sat in silence for a few minutes until the most unbelievable thing I have ever seen happened right before my very eyes. While we were sitting there, a big 18-wheeler pulls in without a trailer so he parks right up front like a normal car would. Inside the cab of the truck with the driver is a little monkey. The dance for the organ grinder kind.
Well, the big dog spots this little monkey and proceeds to go bonkers over it. Lunging at the end of his leash and barking at the top of his lungs. Generally making a real spectacle of himself, to say the least. The driver is obviously upset, but not nearly as much as the monkey is. Actually, upset may be the wrong adjective to use for the monkey though.
In retrospect, I think eagerly aggressive may be a more appropriate description for his disposition. He was pacing the dashboard back and forth. Never taking his eyes off of this very aggravating dog. The driver opens his little triangle window He yells out to this dog’s owner to call his dog off, because it is upsetting his monkey.
The guy laughs and says no way—I told you he was a jerk didn’t I? He says that his dog ain’t bothering nobody. The dog hasn’t shut up since he laid eyes on the monkey. I promise you he is bothering everybody for several blocks around. Now here’s where things start to get interesting. The driver says that if he doesn’t call his dog off, he’s gonna let his monkey loose on that dog.
The jerk laughs and says that his dog would eat that monkey alive. Upon hearing this the driver leans over, and reaches into his glove box. The driver pulls out one of those tiny baseball bats like you used to get at Astroworld or carnivals…and places it in the monkey’s hand. The monkey obviously knows what’s about to go down because he is now trying to squeeze out of the driver’s window.
This monkey has murder in his eyes if I have ever seen it. The driver hollers “Last chance to save your dog’s life man.” In response, the jerk lets his dog off of the leash. Now we have a situation that has escalated to the point where we have a dog jumping up at the window and a monkey screeching right back at him. Well, the driver finally rolls down the window and out leaps a miniature primate whirlwind.
Quick as a flash, this monkey is riding on the back of this dog’s neck. The dog never knew what hit him. The monkey’s two back feet were all wrapped up in the dog’s neck fur with one hand hanging onto an ear. The other hand, as you may have guessed by now, is steadily and mercilessly raining down blows about this dog’s head and face. I mean hard blows. You can hear them.
Well it only took a moment for the dog to realize he was in way over his head. He bolts yelping as he runs away at full speed. I mean this dog is running. The monkey is still riding him and beating on him the whole time. The jerk dog owner acts like he wants to fight now, but several people including myself stepped in to stop that nonsense.
In a couple of minutes or so, the little monkey comes loping back with his little bat still in hand, and leaps up into the still open window of the truck to await his master who has gone on into the store. That jerk ran off to try to go find his dog, but I don’t know if he ever did. Never again in this lifetime will I see something so totally crazy and unexpected like that. I am both fortunate and humble to have been so privileged to be present for such an event.
34. Boomerang Effect
Every winter, I go on a ski trip up north with my friend’s family. One year on the drive up we drove into a whiteout blizzard while on the highway. Traffic went from 70mph to a near standstill in a few hundred feet. Behind and to the left of us, a huge Suburban came hurtling down the road, the driver clearly not paying attention.
He notices the traffic stopping at the last second, and in order to avoid slamming right into the car ahead of him, the guy has to swerve right, across our lane in front of us, through the far right lane, and off the road. He drives off the road, down the ditch, and up the embankment on the other side. Then it got better.
He made it to the top of the embankment…and then turned back down. Drove back through the ditch, back up the shoulder, and burst through a snowbank back onto the road. He cut back across all three lanes of traffic and into the spot he left from. When we passed by the car his wife was bawling in the passenger’s seat while he was laughing.
35. Don’t Leave A Paper Trail
I was in Atlanta, commuting via MARTA, and once watched this lady take a bite out of a muffin without taking the paper off of it first. She just chewed right through it and ate the whole thing, paper and all.
36. Be Careful What You Wish For
When I was in college, my friends and I were out on a walk around 3am. We decided to walk down to the pond that the engineering building was ironically sinking into. This pond was disgusting. Garbage everywere, and the water was a greyish-green color. I said to my friend, “Hey Bob, I’ll give you $20 to jump into the pond fully clothed.” He responded with, “The only way I’ll ever get into that cesspool is if two naked girls come running up and jump in with me!” Well, sometimes the impossible…happens.
Five seconds later two girls stumble up to the shore of the pond, strip down to nothingness, scream, “I’m naked!” and jump into the water. We stood there flabbergasted. Right when I was about to call Bob on his promise, two guys run up and yell, “I told you not to!” They grab the girls and fireman carry them away, leaving their clothes in a heap on the ground.
I don’t think they saw us, but for the next couple of weeks we would randomly yell things we wanted to see if they would just appear.
37. Crash And Burn
This dude who was clearly on something was sitting at the front of the bus. He was holding the strings on his jacket and pulling them like he was steering the bus. When the bus was about to turn left he would pull the right string and vice-versa, all the time shouting: “Look at me! I’m driving this bus!!!” Well, that was all well and good—until a point. The guy wanted to go left, but the bus route went right.
The guy started freaking out because he had lost control of the bus, yelling: “AHHHHHHHHHHHH WE’RE ALL GONNA DIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!” He started rolling about on the floor and freaking out. The bus driver (the real one) had to boot him off.
I was walking into Rite Aid to buy batteries. As I walk in a man slinks in behind me. We both walk to the right and he turns in the snack aisle. All of a sudden, I hear multiple footsteps behind me jogging to where this man is. I turn around and see the man, now shirtless, ripping bags of peanuts and throwing them in the air, with two store employees trying to subdue him.
As they finally struggle to pin him down he begins to yell, “I REGRET NOTHING.” Just yelling it repeatedly as he is dragged out of the store…
39. Seeing Isn’t Always Believing
One time on the subway, an elderly man came onto the train with a sign asking for money. This man’s sign stated that he was blind. When he reached my seat, I gave him change from my fare. He asked how much the coin was worth, but as I told him, I noticed a woman rolling her eyes at me for giving this man money. Not everyone shared her opinion, because soon after my donation, more people began giving the man money.
This visibly frustrated the woman even more. It wasn’t long before she began making comments to herself. “I dunno why y’all givin’ him money,” she said, “he fakin’.” After several comments, the elderly man turns around and starts yelling at this woman. She accuses him of faking his blindness to fool all of us out of our money. This is where the situation gets real.
The man responds to her accusation by popping out his left eyeball. I am shocked, but can clearly see he has no eye there. The woman, however, was not fazed by this. She yells, “One eye don’t mean nothing. I know the other one’s fake. You fakin’!” He pops in the first eye and pops out the second one. As I sat there in shock, this woman still hasn’t been convinced! She says his eyes are really behind the skin that had healed over this man’s empty sockets!
40. Bystander Apathy
I was at the casino last week. A guy was playing and betting with huge amounts of money. All in $25 chips. Each bet worth $300. There are the usual people standing behind and watching. All of a sudden, a lady from behind the man grabbed all his chips—no idea the amount—and started walking toward the exit. Everyone was looking at each other in complete silence. Nobody did anything.
41. Beauty Is Pain
I was alone in the back of a bus, sitting across from another woman in her 20s. She pulled out a spoon and a lighter. I assumed I was about to witness something illicit. She then proceeds to use the lighter to heat the edge of the spoon, raises the spoon to her eye, and curls her lashes by pressing them around the heated edge of the spoon.
42. Metal Post 1, Human 0
I was walking in NYC once, and a guy was reading his phone. He was quite focused on whatever it was, and unlike his fellow pedestrians who were getting out of his way, the signpost in his path was not going to budge. He hit it with such force that his arms actually swung up from momentum. I’ll never forget the “DUNG! Wung! Wung! Wung!” sound it made.
43. Weirdo Hat Trick…That’s Rare
One day my freshman year of college, I was walking back to my dorm from classes. Some guy in one of those green neon bodysuits goes sprinting past me. Alright, whatever. Not 30 seconds later, I cross paths with a girl wearing typical scene/punkish clothing, fishnet stockings, plaid skirt, dark painted nails, etc. But she was also wearing a welder’s mask with the visor down.
Okay, things are a little odd now. Then, not 15 seconds later, some dude comes tearing down the street in my direction on a bicycle. The dude had someplace to be. Except he’s riding no handlebars, because he has a plate of sushi in one hand, and chopsticks in the other. He seemed to be quite in control of the situation, though, munching away while riding.
Any one of those in isolation wouldn’t have been much to remember, even two on one trip wouldn’t have been that crazy, but all three in such a short period of time has always stuck with me.
44. A Fairytale Ending
I once walked into a Borders bookstore only to see a full wedding taking place. They even invited customers who happened to be in the store to attend.
45. Don’t Cry Over Spilled Lasagna
My sister once sat across from a lady on a city bus who was holding a pan of lasagna on her lap, bragging about how it’s for her husband and how he’s gonna love it. Well, it fell and some spilled onto the bus floor. She starts scooping it back into the pan, saying, “Oh he’ll still eat it, he won’t mind, he’ll still eat it.”
46. Playing With Fire
Normal Sunday late morning in Seattle. We were on a bus and this disheveled man gets on with a gasoline can in one hand and a LIGHTER in the other hand. He goes to the back of the bus and sits down. I am sitting sideways, so I am able to take a couple quick peeks at him, and he has the look of crazy in his eyes no doubt. My wife and I calmly get up and go tell the bus driver.
We got off at the next stop and start walking off. I turn around and look and the bus driver is kicking this dude off the bus. We are still not that far away. That’s when my blood runs cold. The problem is that this guy has to know we ratted him out, and the three of us are the only people around. It’s a busy street but there are no other people or businesses, just a condo complex, a large uphill the direction we needed to walk, and nothing the other way.
As he is getting off we quickly dart into a side alley. The alley has a huge set of stairs that goes straight up to a higher level parking lot and presumably other streets. Adjacent to the stairs that lead straight up are winding stairs that are part of the condo complex with a locked entrance leading into each floor of the condo. We rush up the stairs, hearts racing.
Knowing we couldn’t make it to the top of the stairs before the guy passes, we get about halfway up and dart over to the condo stairs, hide, and peek a glance. What I saw was absolutely terrifying. The guy gets to the stairs and STARTS WALKING METHODICALLY UP THEM TOWARDS US. We have two choices—dart back up the long staircase and start running like crazy, or hide. We decide to hide. I will say that I don’t think my heart has ever raced so fast as we waited for this guy walking up the stairs.
I was mentally preparing to fight. After what seems like an eternity, we see him get up to our level, and he just slowly keeps walking up the stairs past us. After a minute, we rush down the stairs the opposite way and walk home. My heart is racing just retelling the story.
47. Bad Timing
I used to work at a funeral home. The town had some bad parts and this one chapel that was across the street from a house that a local dealer operated out of. One day, the house got raided by full SWAT and about 30 other officers, with bullhorns saying “Come out of the house,” all that jazz…and it happened at the worst possible time. It was just as we were carrying the deceased outside to put in the hearse.
So, the whole grieving family had to see that messed-up spectacle, SWAT performing a raid while the people from inside the house run out all over the place and get tackled by officers. The really strange thing about this is that the funeral parlor was always in communication with local law enforcement, because we would have to block some intersections so the procession could stay together.
They knew there was a funeral going on and decided not to wait another 45 minutes to make this bust…even though stuff had been going down at this house for three years prior.
48. Drive Mas
I’m playing softball when suddenly I hear tires screeching and a loud bang coming from Independence avenue behind me. I look over, and about 100 feet away is what looks like it was a pretty minor rear-end collision. A small Toyota rear-ended a van, and the front end is crumpled up a bit but there’s smoke coming up from the engine block.
So I run over to see if everyone’s okay, go around to the drivers’ side and I’m confronted by a sight so bizarre, it’s unforgettable. There’s this red, grey, brown, and green liquid, goo, and general…matter all over the car, and a stunned woman in the drivers’ seat, covered in taco shell and ground beef. I said: ” Oh my God lady, are you ok?” And she goes: “I’m fine…. But my tacoooo,” and starts bawling.
Apparently, she had been eating a giant taco and, I’m assuming, driving with her knees when she rear-ended the van. Well, the airbag went off and spread the taco particulate all over her and the inside of the car. I held it together for a minute while helping her out of the car and leading her over a bench on the sidewalk, but then I had to excuse myself while I walked away laughing my behind off.
49. Takes “Hangry” To The Next Level
In high school, me and my friend were walking down the hallway leading out of the cafeteria at lunch, and we found it was blocked by a bunch of fairly excited-looking people watching two freshmen girls fight. They pounded on each other like boxers, just standing upright throwing serious blows, for what felt like several minutes, although it was probably less.
The dean and a couple of teachers finally manage to shove their way through the crowd and pull these girls off each other and send most of the rubberneckers on their way. Yeah, it took three adults to break it up. We got a good look at the aftermath as we were walking past: blood all over the fucking place. Hair. A shirt. A shoe. And three pieces of bread. That’s when my friend said something so hilarious, it’s impossible to forget.
My friend just looked at the three pieces of bread, then looked at me deadpan, and said: “Ohhh. They each wanted to make a sandwich.”
50. One For The Road
I was stopped at a red light across from a gas station when a guy, who looked somewhat well-groomed and well-dressed, stopped walking and knelt down to the ground to inspect something. Then he got his ID out of his wallet, scraped something off the ground, scooped it into his mouth and carried on walking.