Most people have some idea of common sense because, well, it’s common. You’d think it’d be okay to assume that everyone knows the days of the week, how to tell time, and do simple math. But some people just can’t fathom the simplest things, leading us to wonder how they even made it this long. Get ready to scratch your head: These are the sadly true stories of the dumbest people in the world.
1. Yogi Bear Knows Better
I used to work in Banff National Park. One day at the end of the tour, I was driving some guests back to their hotel and a woman was adamant that Banff was clearly a very dangerous place to visit since we “just let wild animals run around everywhere! They should be in cages!” I had to fight the urge to throw her off the bus pretty hard. She also insisted that she needed to change the money she got in British Columbia to Alberta currency, which…does not exist.
2. As Good as Gold!
I worked at a bank when mobile depositing had just become a “thing.” We understood that some people would take longer to get used to it, but when we received a picture of someone’s cash, we realized that they sent a picture of their cash to us for deposit…because money is money, right? Yeah…it doesn’t work like that at all.
3. Mixed Up Hybrids
I used to work with a woman who insisted that any animal could reproduce with any other animal. She believed that sperm from any animal was the same and that DNA was irrelevant and didn’t matter. She believed this because she once saw some sickly, possibly deformed puppies and decided that they must have been half dog and half rat.
4. Poor Breathing Techniques
When one of my nieces had a cold as a toddler, she was breathing through her mouth. But then for some reason, my ex-brother-in-law flipped out because he didn’t want her to get carbon monoxide poisoning from breathing through her mouth because he believed that was the wrong way instead of her nose, which was the “safe” way… ????
5. What SIDS You Say?
When my daughter was born, we had to see the hospital pediatrician who was an older southern man before we could switch to our usual one. We’re in a tiny exam room and he’s going over the do’s and don’ts for new parents. So, he asks us, “and I assume she will be sleeping in a crib in the nursery?” We respond by saying, “we have a bassinet set up beside the bed to make night feeding easier.”
Then he interjects and says, “she can’t sleep with you!” But we tell him that, “she won’t be in the bed. She has a bassinet beside the bed.” He says to this, “f she sleeps in the same room, there will be too much carbon dioxide and she’ll suffocate. That’s what causes SIDS.” After a short pause, we say, “…then isn’t this exam room unsafe?” We later put in a complaint with the practice and the hospital. That’s some ridiculously incorrect information to be spouting off at people, especially parents who take everything a doctor says as gospel. I can’t even find the logic in that.
6. It’s About Time
On 9/11, the General Manager called his daughter who was attending Arizona State University to wake her up and make sure she saw what was going on in New York. The customer service MANAGER said, “but it won’t be on her TV yet. Arizona is 2 hours behind us.” Too bad Australia didn’t warn us earlier when it happened to them.
7. Solving for X-planation
I teach 6th grade. One time a parent came to me after trying to help their child with math homework and asked, “what number is x worth? It feels like it changes with every problem!” The parent came to me after school without their child because they knew something was wrong and didn’t want to look stupid in front of their kid. This is filed in my brain of parent reactions I can’t fathom along with the mom that year who asked if her child could play piano in marching band.
8. Clocked Out
I worked at Little Caesars and we were proofing the dough for pizza. My boss said at 7 PM that the dough needed to rise for 12 hours and took out her calculator to do the math. So, I said, “ummm, that’s gonna be 7 AM.” Then she said the dough will expire in 48 hours and started doing the math again. I told her it would expire two days from now, and she said, “that’s kinda weird how that works out huh?” I quit shortly after that.
9. Dumb High-Risk-Ways to Die
I work in highway safety, and I can no longer count on two hands the number of people I’ve stopped with in the middle lane of traffic on a freeway with no bigger problem than a flat tire. When I question them as to why they stopped in the middle of a freeway, the typical answer is either the vehicle wouldn’t go any further, or they don’t want to damage their rim. I swear, people will put the well being of the rim on their car above their own safety and even the safety of their children.
10. Where’s the Connection?
When I started working from home, I had a few users submit tickets for “connectivity issues.” These tickets got through two lines of support before landing in my queue. After asking a few questions, it turns out that they thought the corporate Wi-Fi would follow them home. They genuinely didn’t realize that they’d need home internet in order to connect to their workplaces.
11. F for Effort
In grade ten, we had a science test, and the teacher gave one point for putting a date on the paper and one point for your name on the paper. And then there were 98 points for the rest of the test. All you had to do to get two automatic points was just your name and late. A guy sitting in front of me got 0.5/100… He didn’t write the date and only wrote his first name…
12. Three Comes Before Four, Therefore…
In the 80’s, A&W attempted to compete with McDonald’s “quarter-pounder” burger by selling a “third-pounder” for the same price. The operation failed tremendously with virtually no one buying the burger. When they surveyed customers for an explanation, the majority of customers responded that they “didn’t want to pay the same price for less meat.” Their customers genuinely believed that one third was less than one fourth and refused to try the new A&W burger because of it.
13. Bleach Brain
I knew a kid who drank bleach to prove it wouldn’t kill you. A week later, he showed up at school after taking a shot. He said he “proved his point” when the teacher asked why he was bragging about it. Mr. Hawk just said, “but you cannot argue that without that medical treatment you’d have died though. You even said you have stomach damage and a burnt esophagus yourself.” This kid was bragging about that. He was not mentally disabled or otherwise. He was just that dumb.
14. March Right Back Over Here
Our town was live streaming a holiday parade in case people weren’t able to make it out in person. This included a live chat feature as well. One mother who lived nearby wrote into the chat that her daughter didn’t get outside in time and asked for them to turn around and come back to her street so she could see…????
15. Well, That Blew Up in My Face
I knew a girl in high school who really wanted to breathe fire. On her first, and last, attempt, she put the lighter fluid in her mouth and, instead of blowing it onto a flame, she lit it on fire inside her mouth and then tried to blow it out. She came to school the next day with a bandage over half her face.
16. Saw It in a Movie
When I was in high school, we were reading a short story about what would have happened if the Japanese attacked us back with nuclear weapons after Hiroshima and Nagasaki. A girl in my class raised her hand and said something along the lines of “why does this matter? None of it is real anyway.” When the teacher asked her to clarify, the girl (who’s actually half Japanese) told her that the bombings of Japan were just from a movie and didn’t actually happen.
17. Different Schools of Thought
A former co-worker was talking about how she wanted to go back to school to get her Master’s degree because she only had a “bachelorette” degree and wanted more job opportunities. I asked her, “do you mean a bachelor’s degree?” She INSISTED it was pronounced bachelorette when it was given to a woman. Then she led me back to her office and pointed at her diploma to the word Baccalaureate, and said, “SEE?! Bachelorette!”
18. Had to Be There
I’ve got two little girls who were born 15 months apart. They look pretty similar, and we get asked if they’re twins pretty often. Even though one is quite a bit taller, you’d be forgiven for thinking they were fraternal twins. But yeah… I once got into an argument with somebody over whether my daughters are twins or not. It wasn’t until I pointed out that I was literally there watching them being birthed that they finally conceded.
19. All About Labels
I worked with a lady who was talking about how one of her friends had lost a bunch of weight. She pondered, “I wonder how many diet cokes she had to drink to do that.” This was the same lady who was convinced beyond repair that when you sneeze, the air ONLY comes out of your nose. There was no convincing her otherwise.
20. Ma’am, This Is the Police
About half the calls I take as a 9-1-1 operator on a daily basis are from people who call 9-1-1 to ask whether Walmart is open, to report that they didn’t get enough mayo on their burger, to complain that the cleanup at a fatality wreck is taking “too long” and all sorts of absurd, out of touch, beyond insensitive stuff. It truly makes you lose faith in humanity.
21. Right Before Your Eyes
I worked in retail for a few years, and it taught me that many people are either incapable or unwilling to read. I have had people walk up to me to ask me how much something is only for the price tag to be featured prominently on the item. It usually goes with me saying, “it’s $9.99, ma’am,” which is usually followed with a very loud, “HOW DID YOU KNOW?” I finally concede with, “it says so on the price tag, ma’am.”
22. Fowl Understanding
I used to manage a retail store that sold teen clothing, so as expected, I primarily had teens working for me. One employee came to the back room while I was on break and asked what I was eating. Somehow the topic turned to how I should’ve brought chicken for lunch because she wanted chicken. I told her I was vegetarian and therefore don’t eat meat.
She tells me chicken is NOT meat. It’s “poultry,” and according to her, vegetarians can eat poultry because at the grocery store the aisles list “meat” and “poultry” separately so they’re obviously different. We argued for a couple of minutes before I finally told her to go back to the sales floor. She didn’t last at the job long, but MAN.
23. Not Really Tapping In
One of my friends showered in cold water for a year because he never thought of turning the other tap to see what it would do.
24. Sounding Foreign
I used to work for a chatbot app. Our app would text our users every morning with a greeting in a different language, i.e. Hola, Bonjour etc. One day, a user blew us up saying their account was hacked. She said, “my name is Kim Smith not Kim Konnichiwa. Someone’s hacked my account!” When we explained that our service has been clearly saying hello to her in other languages every day and that konnichiwa is hello in Japanese and her account was fine, she went on a racist rant and said Disney was behind the destruction of America. Yep.
25. Consider the Lobster
I was a cook a few years ago. On a particularly busy night, we ran out of lobster mac and cheese. This one waitress could not understand how this was possible and just kept nagging and nagging in disbelief. I got annoyed to the point that I told her the reason for this was that there was a shortage of people with small enough hands to milk lobsters’ tiny nipples, hence a worldwide shortage of lobster milk to make that dish. I had to come clean with her when she started telling this to customers and they demanded to speak with a manager.
26. The Manhattan Theory
My former boss was worried that the island of Manhattan would sink with all the extra visitors for New Years and the ball dropping. She thought islands float, and when she found out that wasn’t true, she thought it was so funny that she told everyone the story. She was later fired for withholding a pay raise from someone on her team because he didn’t accept her sexual advances. He had the texts to prove it.
27. Two for Dumb
I remember once, this dumb guy that I knew from middle school put money into the vending machine, and then his item didn’t come out. So then, to try and get it out, he put MORE MONEY into the machine, and then two of what he wanted dropped to the bottom. He pulled out his items and then exclaimed, “All right! 2 for 1!” Oh buddy, do I have news for you.
28. The Lie Detector Test Results Revealed That…
One time, my now ex-girlfriend and I were watching Maury Povich and it was one of those paternity test episodes with the classic “you are NOT the father!” moments. As the episode ends, she turns to me and says the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard: “if we ever have a baby and I found out I’m not the mother, I’ll kill you.” Thankfully, we didn’t end up reproducing.
29. In Different Quarters
I was working retail at the time, and this lady walks in and asks me to tell her when it is quarter after 10 because she needs to catch a bus. We were slow, so I obliged. 10:15 rolls around and I tell her, so she drops her stuff and runs out to get the bus. Five minutes later she comes back in scowling. And she then lectures me on how to tell time. “how much is a quarter? 25 cents! So why would you tell me a quarter after 10 is 10:15!! It’s 10:25!”
30. Should’ve Put Your Foot in Your Mouth Instead
My friend had just purchased a new, high-powered bb gun. We had just finished shooting it in the backyard when he points the barrel at my face and pulls the trigger several times. I tell him to stop being dumb, and he just laughs and says, “it’s not loaded!” Then the moron puts the barrel in his mouth and POP! He shoots a bb right through his tongue and into his uvula.
31. Complicated Conversion
I asked a temp at work to weigh a couple of lever arch files for postage. She came back and told me they were 65 kg. I asked if it were possible that it was 6.5 kg, but she insisted it wasn’t. We argued about it for a good 5 minutes. It wasn’t until I asked her how much she weighed, which was 59 kg, that she finally realized that these two small folders couldn’t possibly weigh more than her.
32. Just a Pretty Face
A friend of mine in his late 20’s is a sweet guy but is overweight and balding and quite frankly, not very attractive in the face. Well, one day he lets us know that he has met a girl and she might be the one. Well, I’ve met some of the jewels he’s hooked up with in the past so I wasn’t expecting too much. I finally meet this girl, and she is drop dead gorgeous and has a body that is incredible.
I talk to her for a while and she is super friendly and outgoing. I’m stoked for my boy! He found the best he’s ever going to find. The night progresses, and the new couple starts talking about their plans for an upcoming trip to New Mexico, and she starts telling us how excited she is because she has “never gone to another country before.” I laughed a bit and realized she was dead serious. My friend just looked at me and shook his head. That’s when I knew that he knew she was dumb as a rock, but she was his dumb rock.
33. Living Life on Half the Time
There was a girl in my sophomore year of high school who truly believed that there were six months in a year. She was really nice but very surprised and confused when we tried to set her right. If you’re wondering which months she would have included in her version of a year, don’t bother. We tried asking her about it and it was clear that hadn’t thought that far ahead.
34. Jumping All Over
My wife wanted to meet an old friend from school she hadn’t seen for about 20 years. We went to dinner, and he brought his wife along with her 2 kids. He had met her just 2 months prior and she worked as a “male entertainer” (her words). He was white, she was black, and he spent the whole night trying to start fights with people for “making racist comments about their relationship behind their back,” even though no one was.
When we finally got into talking, he told me about 9 “jump points” that exist to get off the Earth. I thought to myself “oh boy, a Flat Earther. I’ve never met a real one before.” But no, that’s not what he was talking about. That would have been so much better than what he was talking about. He said there are 9 jump points on Earth that are essentially wormholes to other planets, and that there is one in New York City that goes to Mars. He also informed me that the American government has already colonized Mars and is hiding it from the people. And he was dead serious.
35. Self-Defined Cartographer
A girl in an AP US history class laughed at me when I was talking about driving to Alaska from Oregon. She insisted Alaska was an island because of how it is separated out on maps. I don’t know if she was the dumbest person that I’ve met overall, but it was certainly the dumbest thing someone insisted they were right about.
36. Getting the Wrong Message
I remember proofreading a paper for a freshman that my college roommate had the hots for. It was on Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal, but somehow this freshman didn’t catch that it was satire. The opening lines of the paper are burned into my memory forever. It said, “eating children would not be a good thing to do. In fact, we could say it would be bad.”
37. Absolute Train Wreck
When we hired a girl a couple years ago, I told her where the manager’s office was her first day. On the second day, she asked me where the manager’s office was, so I walked her to the door. Then on the third day, she asks me where it is again. After, our manager chewed out the girl who trained our new recruit for not teaching her about the job properly.
The trainer pulled out her phone and showed the manager a picture of the girl wearing the uniform backwards and said, “Look at this. This is untrainable.” The new girl got fired about three weeks later for stealing the product because she thought she got it for free because she was an employee.
38. Might as Well Be Worlds Apart
I live in southern Spain, and I once met a girl from the U.S. who was here on some kind of exchange program. When I asked her about how she was liking Spain so far, she said, “I’m loving it. I just don’t know why the plane took so long to get here. I mean we are just a bit BELOW MEXICO. I really don’t know why the flight was that long.” I told her that we were in Europe, and she didn’t believe me. Her reply was, “Europe? It can’t be. Everyone speaks Spanish so we must be somewhere near Mexico for sure!” She was in university. I still don’t know how or why.
39. It’s Different for Boys
My ex-sister-in-law is hands down the dumbest person I’ve ever encountered. There’s literally a plethora of insanely stupid things she’s said over the years, but I’ll use the one that almost made me slap the taste out of her mouth. I had my first son back in 2001, and while I was pregnant, she asked me if I was going to breastfeed. To which I replied that I was. She then asked, “even if it’s a girl?” and I said of course.
She then proceeded to tell me that it’s perfectly fine to breastfeed boys, but doing so with girls is creepy and could make the child a lesbian. Because “they get the feel of a breast and will remember it and want that sexually.” To say that I was stunned by her thought process is an understatement. I asked her what she thought people did before formula was invented, and she said “cow’s milk.” And before bottles were invented it was a “rag soaked in cow’s milk.”
40. Oh Honey
We had to do a class project on controversial issues where we all got assigned a topic. The teacher went around and just said them to us verbally, like gay marriage and stuff. One girl handed in a full paper and did a big bristol board presentation about “youth in Asia” since the teacher had gone up to her and said “euthanasia.” It was….incredible.
41. Facing a Challenge
I was working at a grocery store over a decade ago. I wouldn’t call the kid dumb because he just didn’t know. It’s more of a funny thing. He was new, and the manager asked him to “face” the store when he asked what he could do. “Facing” means you make sure the aisles look nice and neat and that the product is pulled forward and visibly facing you as you walk down the aisle. The kid couldn’t be found until someone told the manager one of the workers was just standing in the parking lot facing the store. I will never forget that.
42. Drowning in the Water Under the Bridge
I was working in a French company. We were working with a development team in Vietnam on some IT project. The project manager they reported to in HQ is French. They didn’t like him, and he knew it. Even so, the Vietnamese team did a great job. He wanted to find the correct words to congratulate them, hoping to smoothen the future relationship.
He sent this incredible “thank you” email that said, “When we see the quality of your work, we can only realize how sad it is that we lost you guys as a colony.” The French expats in the Vietnam office told me they were hiding in shame for a full week.
43. Unnatural Landmarks
Someone in my work expressed shock once at my postcard of Niagara Falls because she didn’t believe it was a real place. She told me, “I thought that was just for films. I always thought it was a made-up place… like y’know…the Grand Canyon.”
44. Sniffed Out
I once knew this kid who was dumber than snake mittens and just about as useful. He came into our government class claiming that you could still smell the tea spilled into the Boston Harbor during the Boston Tea Party. My government teacher spent the next five minutes explaining to him that that was physically impossible. This kid, after some deliberation, seemingly grasped the concept of time and relented on the topic, or so we thought.
Not five minutes later, he said, “I bet you can still smell it when you’re underwater,” as certain as a man can be. Now at this point we were juniors in high school and for the first time in my life, I was in utter disbelief that a person could have survived under the sheer force of their own stupidity up until that point. Class was completely derailed at this point with the teacher trying to explain to him why you can’t breathe underwater but to no avail.
Bless his heart he tried. He said that he didn’t want a student drowning because he didn’t understand you couldn’t smell underwater, but the kid was dead certain. After that year in class with him I never saw him again. Probably drowned.
45. Me ‘n My Moo
My friends were always convinced that my girlfriend was too dumb for me, but I always defended her saying you just had to get to know her. One day, we’re attempting to do that over at my best friend’s place, and we’re all having milk and cookies. She remarks how fresh the milk is. I say, “yeah, it’s local so it’s practically straight from the cow.” She gets quiet then says, “cows? I always thought milk came from pigs!” So, I say, “but there’s a cow on the carton?” She goes, “I thought that was the mascot!” My friend just turned his head slowly and looked me right in the eye. I looked away.
46. Wrong Foot Forward
This is a true story. I worked with a guy who made a bet that his steel toe shoes could stop a freight elevator and tested it with his foot in them still. Exactly what you’d think would happen happened and now his toes are gone. That’s the dumbest person I know.
47. Got Milk?
Once, I jokingly told an insecure flatmate that drinking milk would make her breasts grow larger. I walk into our kitchen one morning and find her downing a liter of milk while leaning over to one side. When I asked her what she was doing, she looked at me like I was an idiot as she told me that her left boob was smaller than her right so she was trying to help it catch up.
48. We Didgeridoo Things Differently
I was travelling with this American dude and I tell him that, “we don’t get snow at Christmas in Australia dude, because it’s summer time.” He nods in agreement and says, “oh yeah right… You know the heat wouldn’t bother me. I just couldn’t get my head around having Christmas in July. It’s always been December 25 for me” I just say, “…. no… it’s …. no…. don’t worry,” because I really didn’t know what to say.
49. The Paternity Is in the Tongue
My girlfriend at the time, C, lived with her friend, K who was not the sharpest tool in the shed. I would always be there hanging out and somehow, I got sucked into Days of Our Lives. I know, stupid, but hey, being forced to watch it weekly made me invested in the characters to a degree. So, in the show, Sammy and Lucas are the star-crossed lovers.
They’re not always together throughout the show, but they find their way back to each other. In this story of mine, they have been set back together, and they’re still working things out. BUT, wait! There’s a handsome, young Englishman named EJ who just moved into town. Sammy ends up having a one-night stand with him. Oh dear!
Two weeks later we find out on Days of Our Lives that Sammy is pregnant! We wonder whose kid it was. Then K pipes in and says, “This is so stupid.” I, knowing that this will be good, ask her, “oh? why do you think that?” She says, “There’s no tension. This is dumb.” Well, we had to know why, so I ask, “why is that, K?” Her answer was priceless.
She explains, “Well, they’re going to know whose baby it is if it comes out with a British accent or not.” I put the TV on mute and say, “I’m sorry. One more time.” K looks at me like I have two heads and says, “like this -standard cry- or like this -Disney stereotype of a chimney cleaner in London losing his wife to typhoid-.” I just go, “nope,” and walk out.
50. Hiding a Meltdown
Once, my roommate finished ironing his clothes, and he wanted to put the ironing board away, so he put the hot iron on the carpet and put the board away. I came home to find a large speaker from our old entertainment system sitting in the middle of the living room. When I went to move it back, I found the giant patch of melted carpet shaped like the iron. He genuinely thought he could hide it with the speaker.
51. Getting Steamy in the Meat Department
We played a prank on some chick at my work who honestly had the IQ of a toothbrush. She wasn’t very good at her job, and we only gave her the simplest of tasks. Seriously, even a task like “wash the dishes” required many questions before even being attempted. “Where’s the soap? Where’s the hot water? Will the tap automatically turn off when the sink is full?”
One day, we decided to play a prank on her. We asked her to go to the meat department and get us a bucket of steam for cleaning…A BUCKET OF STEAM! She left the department, and about 10 or 15 minutes later, my buddy Rob phoned me up and said, “dude…. Naomi is here” I start to laugh and say, “Yeah? And what is she doing?”
He says, “I can’t explain it man… it’s like… you have to be here. She’s like, got the hose right, and turned on the hot water. She’s spraying the hose on the ground with one hand, and with the other hand, she’s trying to wave the steam into the bucket. My mind wants to be literally rolling on the floor laughing at her but…. I’m not. I think you’ve broken me…” I have never laughed so hard in my life. She did this for about 45 minutes before the manager called her back to the Deli.
52. Interior Doctor-ater
My sister in-law was at a doctor’s appointment when the doctor asked her if her stool was black. Later when she came home, she sat down on one of their black kitchen stools and proceeded to ask my wife how the doctor knew what color they were.
53. Special Unit of Measurement
My friend’s brother is definitely the stupidest person I’ve ever met. I was always nice to him, but wow, he was not a smart guy. One time, my friend had bought a new 42″ LCD TV. His brother comes in the room and starts making small talk. He said, “I just bought a new TV, too. It’s bigger than that though.” I reply, “oh, you bought one, too? How big is it?” He looks at the TV, measures it up, and says, I swear on my life, “ah, I dunno, it’s like…5…dicks bigger.” Needless to say, I totally lost my mind with laughter, and he winds up leaving the room because I can’t stop.
54. Trying to DUI the Right Thing
This old co-worker of mine is, well, we’ll just say he’s a bit thick headed. His son is a police officer. My co-worker goes out to the bar one night and gets pretty loaded. He then thinks it would be a good idea to drive home. On his way home, he decides maybe that wasn’t such a good idea, and a light bulb goes off in his head. His son could take him home! What does he do? He drives to the police station, drunk as a skunk, willingly walks in the front door, and asks to see his son. The desk officer could tell he was loaded and arrested him on the spot. He ended up getting a DUI.
55. No World Record Holder
I was walking through the mall with a buddy of mine a couple years ago and came across one of those stands selling hats and t-shirts. My buddy turns to me and says, “you should buy me that hat because it says genius.” I look wide eyed at the hat and reread what was written across it 3 or 4 times before turning to my buddy and saying, “dude, the hat says Guinness.” Yes, Guinness, as in the beer company.
56. Optical Delusion
I had a friend once who truly believed that magicians like Criss Angel and David Blaine had some kind of magical power or telekinesis or something along those lines. While watching one of those magicians on TV performing on the street, he argued, “how could this be fake? Look at all those people. Can’t fake all that. Has to be some kind of power or magic.” I then have to ask him, “do you realize that movies are fake? They fake entire universes, planets, cities, war, etc.” He didn’t understand what I was getting at.
57. Pounding on Eggshells
I just had a customer yell at me for putting their eggs in a separate bag saying they don’t want all those bags and the paper ones always rip. She said all of this before putting it in the bag and throwing a pound of flour on top. It was somewhat satisfying seeing their face as we heard the cracks…until I realized I’m the one who needed to clean it up. Oh, also she complained that we hadn’t warned her about the fragility of eggs.
58. Vitamin D Supplement
I’m a physician, an eye doctor specifically. I will tell you that the longer I work, which is now 15 years, my standard for the “average” person’s intelligence continues to decline. Thanks to the awful information filtering out there, I had a patient just last week who read that Vitamin D helps you resist lung infections and that he could get more Vitamin D by getting more sun. So, he wanted to “collect” as much light as possible with his eyes. As a result, he stared at the sun for a solid 60 seconds and burned holes directly into his retinas. His vision is permanently reduced and there is no chance of future improvement.
59. In No Particular Order
I used to teach university students. The kids were 20-21 years old and in the second year of either molecular biology, biochemistry, or microbiology. When I handed back assignments, I told them that they were alphabetized by last name. Every week, 90% of them would flip through the stack one-by-one whether their name was Atkins or Zanzibar. They didn’t listen, and they didn’t learn.
60. Only in America
When I was a sophomore in high school, a classmate asked to borrow a pen, and I lent him one of mine that had the Eiffel Tower on it. He asked where the building was from, and I said Paris. He gave me a confused look and asked where Paris was. Was it further away than Chicago? Now it was my turn to be confused. We were in high school. How the heck did he not know Paris was in France? But whatever, maybe he’s not the brightest. So, I inform him that Paris is in France. But he still looks utterly confused. I assume he misheard me, so I start explaining it.
“France, you know, like, FRANCE. From history class? World War II, Napoleon… that France.” He says he was bad at history and has never heard of France before. He then asks me if it was another state or if it was like a region of our state. Utterly baffled at this point, I try to explain that it was another country entirely, and it was in Europe.
Exasperated, I remember saying, “you know, Europe?! That other continent?” He still looks confused, so I add, “THE LAND ACROSS THE OCEAN!” Finally, there is recognition on his face. He tells me he heard of oceans before, and he thinks he understands now. I remind you that this encounter was with a student who didn’t know what Europe was took place in high school.
61. Double the Heartache
A girl in one of my college classes argued that heart transplants shouldn’t be allowed because “that’s where the feelings are” and the person receiving the heart wouldn’t be the same person anymore.
62. Not but a Train Ride Away
My favorite was a guy who was planning his honeymoon, but he didn’t have a lot of money. He was bummed about the cost of air travel. A friend suggested a train ride might be cheaper. He became frustrated after a few days of trying and complained that he couldn’t find any trains going from Chicago to…Hawai’i. He genuinely couldn’t understand why not.
63. Cheat Code: Self Destruct
I went to renew my license at the DMV. I was waiting in a room with the computers that people use to take the written portion. The clerk sat a man down, looked him in the eyes, and said, “if you pull your phone out it’s an automatic fail.” This window licker says, “aight,” while pulling out his phone and immediately failing.
64. Pronounced Frustration
At a work Christmas party in a Mexican restaurant, an Irish colleague was trying to argue with the Mexican waitress that the pronunciation of “jalapenos” was really “ja-la-pen-nose.” He wasn’t joking, and he got so upset with her telling him he was wrong that he made a huge scene, and we were almost thrown out.
65. Speaking of the Past
One of my closest friends is a really good guy, but well…I’m learning Spanish, and I once told him I was reading this Don Quixote book. I complained about how difficult it was because it was written in 1605. And he said, “wait… Spanish existed back then?”
66. Jurassic Park Couldn’t Have Happened
I had someone argue with me because they were sure that the cavemen existed before the dinosaurs and that it is impossible that dinosaurs
even existed. She considers the mammoth and the sabretooth to be dinosaurs.
67. Give Me a Hand Here
An infantryman was told to trim the hedges. Instead of getting shears, he decided to just lift up the enormous lawnmower, and then have his buddy start the motor…as the infantryman holds the hedges in place with his bare hands. When the medical team got called in, we bandaged him, then used a tourniquet temporarily. Senior medics took him to the ER, but they couldn’t save his hand. Shocker…
68. Trucking Up
I was at a party when someone’s trashy old truck got stuck in some mud. So, instead of sobering up and coming back the next day like a logical person to get it out of the mud, he decided to go with a bright idea of his own creation. This guy made a Molotov cocktail with gas and threw it at the truck thinking the blast would push the truck back onto dry land. Nope, obviously the truck caught fire and was completely destroyed.