Two things are infinite: The universe, and human stupidity—and we’re not sure about the universe. Seriously, we don’t even know how these people manage to get both legs in their pants in the morning. From painfully idiotic questions to Darwin Award winners, these halfwits take “clueless” to the next level.
1. Pulling Your Leg
When I used to work at Disney World, there was this incident with this lady and her turkey leg. One day at 9 AM, a lady came into our Guest Services and demanded a refund on her turkey leg because it tasted weird. When we asked her for the details to process the refund, it turned out that she had bought it 3 days before and was carrying it in her bag ever since.
2. Potentially Fatal Encounter
My mother-in-law said, “I didn’t leave him in the car that long. Plus the windows were cracked!” the last time she was ever allowed to watch my oldest child. He was two, and it was 90°F. I was heavily pregnant and had to sit on my hands the next time I saw her because I wanted to cave in the Italian leather handbag that she calls a face.
3. Well, That Blew Up in My Face
I knew a girl in high school who really wanted to breathe fire. On her first, and last, attempt, she put the lighter fluid in her mouth and, instead of blowing it onto a flame, she lit it on fire inside her mouth and then tried to blow it out. She came to school the next day with a bandage over half her face.
4. Just the Usual
I had a client file for divorce because every morning his wife would ask him how he takes his coffee…for seven years.
5. As Good as Gold!
I worked at a bank when mobile depositing had just become a “thing.” We understood that some people would take longer to get used to it, but when we received a picture of someone’s cash, we realized that they sent a picture of their cash to us for deposit…because money is money, right? Yeah…it doesn’t work like that at all.
6. Thanks for Holding Me Over!
A girl once told me she thought this boy who she had a crush on for a long time was going to ask her out. She said this to me, her current boyfriend.
7. Different People Now
My college girlfriend’s dad won $1 million in the state lottery over winter break. She broke up with me over the phone telling me, “Now that I’m rich, I can’t afford to date regular people like you. That’s really the only thing wrong, you’re just regular.”
8. Customer Experience Survey
I used to work at the register of my college campus store. For the most part, people came in to buy an energy drink, gum, or other small things like that, but we also carried other items like sweaters and even computers. People usually only bought an item or two, so there weren’t any shopping carts or baskets for customers.
One day, a woman, probably a student’s mom, came in and asked me for help reaching a sweater on the top shelf. After I grabbed it for her, I went to hand it over, but she motioned at me to hold on for it. For the next ten minutes, she walked around the store grabbing several items and then giving them to me to hold. She used me as her personal shopping cart. Luckily, I had a co-worker in the store on the same shift, so he was able to handle the register.
I was at the end of my rope—but this isn’t even the worst part. At the end of this whole ridiculous ordeal, she got a message on her phone. She read it and said, “Oh, you know what? I actually have to go meet my son. I’ll come back later to get the things I need.” And then she left. Leaving me standing there with an armful of random stuff that I then needed to go put back one by one.
9. That’s Not Yours
It’s been 3 years since, but when my sister’s mother-in-law opened up all her wedding gifts and packed them away while she was on honeymoon, I’m still mad thinking about it!
10. Wildly Overreacting
I’m a lawyer, and I once had a heavily pregnant client that attacked her husband of less than a year with an iron. Said client was now sitting in a cell, sobbing, and insisting that her husband deserved it and she wanted a divorce. I asked what he had supposedly done, assuming he’d cheated or something similar. It turned out that she’d checked his phone and found a single dirty website in his browsing history…from over two years beforehand.
Sure, it wasn’t the most pleasant thing to discover, but hardly worth battering him half to death and demanding a divorce.
11. Bleach Brain
I knew a kid who drank bleach to prove it wouldn’t kill you. A week later, he showed up at school after taking a shot. He said he “proved his point” when the teacher asked why he was bragging about it. Mr. Hawk just said, “but you cannot argue that without that medical treatment you’d have died though. You even said you have stomach damage and a burnt esophagus yourself.” This kid was bragging about that. He was not mentally disabled or otherwise. He was just that dumb.
12. Poor Breathing Techniques
When one of my nieces had a cold as a toddler, she was breathing through her mouth. But then for some reason, my ex-brother-in-law flipped out because he didn’t want her to get carbon monoxide poisoning from breathing through her mouth because he believed that was the wrong way instead of her nose, which was the “safe” way… ????
13. F for Effort
In grade ten, we had a science test, and the teacher gave one point for putting a date on the paper and one point for your name on the paper. And then there were 98 points for the rest of the test. All you had to do to get two automatic points was just your name and late. A guy sitting in front of me got 0.5/100… He didn’t write the date and only wrote his first name…
14. March Right Back Over Here
Our town was live streaming a holiday parade in case people weren’t able to make it out in person. This included a live chat feature as well. One mother who lived nearby wrote into the chat that her daughter didn’t get outside in time and asked for them to turn around and come back to her street so she could see…????
15. Diluting Richness
A co-worker mentioned that she thought milk was too rich, so she poured herself a glass of water and added two of those little cups of non-dairy creamer. This was almost two years ago, and I still don’t know what to think.
16. Give Me a Hand Here
An infantryman was told to trim the hedges. A simple task—and he still almost managed to kill himself. Instead of getting shears, he decided to just lift up the enormous lawnmower, and then have his buddy start the motor…as the infantryman holds the hedges in place with his bare hands. When the medical team got called in, we bandaged him, then used a tourniquet temporarily. Senior medics took him to the ER, but they couldn’t save his hand. Shocker…
17. Trucking Up
I was at a party when someone’s trashy old truck got stuck in some mud. So, instead of sobering up and coming back the next day like a logical person to get it out of the mud, he decided to go with a bright idea of his own creation. This guy made a Molotov cocktail with gas and threw it at the truck thinking the blast would push the truck back onto dry land. Nope, obviously the truck caught fire and was completely destroyed.
18. Missing the Point
I emptied all the clothes out of my wardrobe cabinet and filled the entire thing with flowers, chocolates, a stuffed bear, and numerous candies that my girlfriend loved. I wanted to surprise her with this stuff, so I asked her if she could go grab my hoodie out of the cabinet. I then patiently awaited her reaction to discovering the surprise.
Instead, she opened the door, said, “It’s not here,” and then proceeded to close the cabinet without noticing any of the stuff I had prepared.
19. Not Funny, Mate
When I walked into the apartment I shared with a friend, it was covered in vomit because her dog ate a pillow and had puked it up—two days earlier. The living room was covered in dog puke, and she had just sat there in the middle of it. She thought it was funny. I took out my phone and called a moving company on the spot. I arranged for the first appointment they had, packed all of my stuff and had it put in storage while I found a new place. That was my last roommate.
20. Yogi Bear Knows Better
I used to work in Banff National Park. One day at the end of the tour, I was driving some guests back to their hotel and a woman was adamant that Banff was clearly a very dangerous place to visit since we “just let wild animals run around everywhere! They should be in cages!” I had to fight the urge to throw her off the bus pretty hard. She also insisted that she needed to change the money she got in British Columbia to Alberta currency, which…does not exist.
21. One Wild Ride
After a date, I dropped the girl off in the parking lot where her car was parked. We said goodbye to each other and parted ways without a kiss, as it was our first date. As she got out and began walking across the parking lot, I suddenly got the courage to whip my car around, stop it right in front of her, get out, and kiss her.
In my head, it was going to be like something out of a movie. In real life, I pulled up to her, forgot to put the car in park, got out, walked away from the car, watched her look at me in horror and point, turned around, and ran towards my car as it slammed into another parked car. Just a typical day in my life really…
22. That’s Definitely Worth It
I had a customer ask me how many ones I could give him if he gave me a $20. I told him $19 because I was charging a finder’s fee. He told me that was a great deal and slapped down a $20. We were at a bank. I was his bank teller.
23. Swiper, No Swiping
While working the front desk of a hotel one day, a woman handed me her debit card for payment. With our software, we insert the card, and it takes a minute to process in the reader and load the number properly into the software. As I waited for the reader finish, I started to make her classic magnetic strip style key cards for her room.
Our key maker was an old machine that made plenty of loud beeps as you programmed the keys. And given its age, most times I would have to try 3 or more times to get a key to program correctly. I handed her card back along with two key cards, and she just screeches, “WHAT DID YOU JUST DO!!???”
Baffled and confused, I just responded by saying, “Uh…pardon me?” To which this lady just repeatedly yelled, “WHAT DID YOU JUST DO!!!??” Still very much confused, I explained, “Uh…I’m just giving you the keys to your room, Ma’am. All I need is a signature, and you’re all good to go.” Instead, she called 9-1-1.
I still had no idea what was going on. I tried to ask her what she was doing, and she just said, “I’m not saying another word to you until the authorities get here!! I KNOW MY RIGHTS!” I just sat there and said, “Okay…?” She then went outside the lobby and waited for officers to arrive. Some minutes later, she came back with one.
Then she pointed to me and yelled, “THAT’S HER! SHE’S THE ONE!” I was the only person working. Apparently, she thought I swiped her debit card more than once to charge her “thousands of dollars” when I was actually making her key cards. So, the officer came behind the desk and asked me to repeat the process.
When I repeated the same process that I did with the key card reader, the officer asked her if that was the noise she heard. She yelled, “YES!! YOU SEE!” He then informed her that that was the sound of the key card maker and not me swiping her debit card. She just stood there staring for a second before getting red in the face
She grabbed her belongings, left the keys and unsigned folio for the room with me, and stormed out while yelling, “I DON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS TREATMENT!!” She then called a few hours later about the single approval hold for the room that was put on her card and accused me of trying to “steal from her again.”
24. By Alien Design
My father is a patent attorney, and when I was around 14, he told me about a guy who wanted to patent the iPhone 3 because “aliens” had given him the design for it.
25. Getting into the Real Estate Game
An old roommate wanted me to start paying more in rent because he was trying to save up to buy himself a house. Unbelievable.
26. No Eavesdropping Allowed
A couple sat down in the movie theater 15 minutes into the movie. The lady sat right beside me and was holding a full conversation at full volume with the man who was barely acknowledging her. I politely asked her to lower her voice as it was distracting. She stared forward for 2 minutes before leaning over, “maybe if you weren’t listening to my conversation, you wouldn’t be distracted.” I was too livid to even respond, and then the movie was ruined.
27. Never a Fair Fight
A girl tried to fight me in a bar about twenty years ago. All I did was look at her funny unintentionally. I was going to the bar for a round of drinks and forgot the order. I happened to be looking at her when I was lost in thought. She challenged me outside. I couldn’t believe it. I’m 6’1 220, and she was small.
Fortunately, I guess, the bouncer heard her yell her challenge to me and went to make her leave. Later, when we were leaving an hour later, she was still standing on the sidewalk and she wasn’t done. She ended up following me to my car pushing me and punching my back all the way there. It was all so very surreal.
28. Not Sure What We’re Fighting About
My mother-in-law was so crazy that my wife and I had been forced to cut her off almost completely. Every once in a while, my wife would give in and let her mom visit, which always turned out badly. Eventually, we broke up and got divorced and I got full custody of the kids. MIL went nuts and decided to sue me for custody. I looked over the law and for any form of visitation or custody you need to have had contact in the last 6 months and she hadn’t seen them for over a year.
So, we go to court. I can’t afford a lawyer but the law was pretty clear. She goes through three lawyers, each of them quits in turn. So, she finally winds up representing herself. During the last hearing she was talking to the judge and she made such a fool of herself, I couldn’t help but laugh. She said something to the effect of “I don’t want to get custody of them, I just want to be able to visit.” The judge then asked her point-blank, “This is a custody hearing. Are you telling me you no longer want to get custody?” She said yes and the judge dismissed the case immediately.
29. Needless to Say
A former friend told me about how they’d threatened to send people to hurt someone after a disagreement. The worst part was that they clearly expected me to find it cool and quirky. Needless to say, I didn’t.
30. So in Debt with You
I’m a divorce lawyer and one client filed for divorce because he owed his bookie $70,000. He didn’t want to leave his wife but he figured he would get half the house in the divorce, which was worth $700,000 and pay his debts. He had already blown through their life savings gambling. He was the worst guy.
31. Not Part of the Games
I worked at arcade/bowling alley combo that served food like a full restaurant. My position had me deliver the food and take the dirty dishes to the back. So, there was a group of 6 people bowling, and they ordered our sampler platter that had a little of everything from the appetizer menu. I brought the platter out to them and set it down.
Then I asked them if there was anything else that they needed. Without really looking, this woman said, “We’re good.” I started to turn around to leave, and this woman grabbed my arm and yanked me towards her like I was her kid, swore in my face, and then said, “Where are my chicken wings?” I was in disbelief, and I paused not really understanding what was happening.
I then looked at her and then at the platter. I told her, “They’re right there, ma’am, in the little basket on the platter.” She let go of me with a skeptical expression and said, “Hmm, ok,” as if she really didn’t believe the wings were really in there. If I didn’t hate working there and my shift was any farther from being over in 10 minutes, I would’ve spoken to a manager, but I didn’t care enough to stay to get it sorted and just wanted to leave.
32. My Precious
A couple got divorced over a cat. The wife called the cat Snowball because of its white fur and only wanted the cat to eat wet food or chicken breast. The husband called the cat Lily again because of its white fur and believed it should only eat dry food. These two argued for a year over custody of the cat but did not give a thought about their human kids aged 15 months, 4 years, and 6 years old.
33. One Honk Only
I’ve been going to my local high school’s running track to jog and exercise since lockdown. Well, to park your car, you have to go through a driveway that’s marked with arrows as one way only. The exit’s on the other side of the parking lot. Soccer moms in town are notorious for parking their cars in this driveway.
Blocking the driveway makes it hard to get into the actual parking lot. As I pulled into the driveway, one of these women thought that it was a brilliant idea to put her car into reverse as I was entering. I couldn’t swerve out of the way. There was an SUV parked right at the mouth of the entrance that took half the available space.
So, my reaction was to immediately honk my horn. I’ll never forget what happened next. She then proceeded to panic, throw the car into drive, and run it into a small boulder that lined the driveway. It ripped the passenger side air deflector clean off. According to her, I was now that awful person that honks her horn for no reason.
34. Do You Take IOUs?
While I was working one day, a woman claimed to have left her money at home after she ordered two sandwiches. They take about ten minutes to cook. I said that’s ok, when you come back, they will be ready. She said she wanted the sandwiches first and that she’d be right back after she and her daughter finished eating.
It would be really quick because they lived right around the corner. I said if you live right around the corner, you’ll be back before the sandwiches are done, but I can’t give you food before you pay. She lost it on me. It was wild. I don’t know how she thought she could get away without paying. She left with no food and didn’t come back.
35. Mixed Up Hybrids
I used to work with a woman who insisted that any animal could reproduce with any other animal. She believed that sperm from any animal was the same and that DNA was irrelevant and didn’t matter. She believed this because she once saw some sickly, possibly deformed puppies and decided that they must have been half dog and half rat.
36. Clocked Out
I worked at Little Caesars and we were proofing the dough for pizza. My boss said at 7 PM that the dough needed to rise for 12 hours and took out her calculator to do the math. So, I said, “ummm, that’s gonna be 7 AM.” Then she said the dough will expire in 48 hours and started doing the math again. I told her it would expire two days from now, and she said, “that’s kinda weird how that works out huh?” I quit shortly after that.
37. PDA Advocate
I wish I still had the text, but long story short, my ex left me because she was mad that I DIDN’T grab her butt in public on our first date…
38. Cheat Code: Self Destruct
I went to renew my license at the DMV. I was waiting in a room with the computers that people use to take the written portion. The clerk sat a man down, looked him in the eyes, and said, “If you pull your phone out it’s an automatic fail.” This window licker says, “Aight…” while pulling out his phone and immediately failing.
39. What Are You Trying to Tell Me?
One time, I wanted to do something romantic for my girlfriend. So, I decided to sign her up for painting lessons as a surprise present because I knew that she was getting into painting. She took the gift to mean that I thought her painting sucked. She never took the lessons, and I never got my money back either. Facepalm.
40. In All Honesty
Sometimes, being a lawyer is easy. For instance, this one time, I’m cross-examining the alleged victim and in answering my question she says, “Oh yeah, I lie all the time!” Needless to say, I won that trial.
41. Try This on for Size
I have worked at Spirit Halloween every season for the past 5 years, and super shady things happen at Spirit Halloween all the time. So, I have endless stories to tell—but this is the craziest thing that ever happened to me. I was working the dressing room basically just regulating who goes in and taking costumes out of the bags to withhold accessories to prevent theft, etc.
This was my first year working there, so I was about 20. Just a couple days before Halloween, a girl around my age came to the dressing room with a typical college girl costume. She said something like, “Oh good. We’re about the same size! I’m in a rush, so I wouldn’t have time to find an associate to help me.”
I just kind of smiled and took the bag from her not knowing what that even meant. I unpacked the costume, leave the accessories, and put it in a basket to carry to the dressing room. She looked really confused, so I just asked her to follow me and I’d get her a dressing room. I really wish I was making this next part up.
This girl said to me, “Why would I go back there for you to change?” First, I was just like HUH???? I can’t even remember exactly how I responded because I was so confused, but it was something along the lines of “You try on the costume yourself, so you know how it fits you. An associate doesn’t do it for you.”
And this girl had the audacity to be MAD AT ME for saying that! Her response was basically, “Well, I don’t want to have to get out of my clothes and change into the costume, so it isn’t worth my time. That’s so unsanitary to have a bunch of people trying the costume on instead of you just doing it, so I don’t even want it anymore,” followed by her storming out.
42. Firing Mr. Fudd
There was a new hire in the office who had no idea of what personal hygiene was—already not a great start. He was loud, obnoxious, and not even good at his job. Then one day, just outside the office during a break, he started talking to us about catching rabbits in traps. He was pointing to the fields around the building.
We laughed because for everything he said, not one of us took him seriously. When we went back inside, he headed straight to the cubicle of our office manager. She absolutely loved rabbits. Her cubicle was basically a shrine for rabbits and adorned with all kinds pictures and other items inspired by rabbits.
Some are her pets, and some are just rabbits that she thinks are cute. She has statues, rabbit pens and pencils; Nobody in their right mind would have asked this woman in this cubicle about going trapping rabbits. He did. I was surprised he made it to the end of the day. I was not surprised when he didn’t return the day after.
43. Act Natural
This insanely dumb girl in my class would outwardly disrespect the professor all the time. This one time while the professor was talking, she started to whistle. He stopped class in disbelief and asked her why she was doing it and why she was being disruptive. She said it’s a thing she does without even thinking, and then whistled again, and was like “see?!”
44. Not That Kind of Dough
One day when I was at work, someone came to me and asked if I could break a one-hundred-dollar bill for her in pennies. I just looked at her for a second and then looked around me to make sure I was definitely not currently working in a bank. I was indeed still in the bakery where I worked and told her sorry.
45. What SIDS You Say?
When my daughter was born, we had to see the hospital pediatrician who was an older southern man before we could switch to our usual one. We’re in a tiny exam room and he’s going over the dos and don’ts for new parents. So, he asks us, “And I assume she will be sleeping in a crib in the nursery?” We respond by saying, “We have a bassinet set up beside the bed to make night feeding easier.”
Then he interjects and says, “She can’t sleep with you!” But we tell him that, “She won’t be in the bed. She has a bassinet beside the bed.” He says to this, “If she sleeps in the same room, there will be too much carbon dioxide and she’ll suffocate. That’s what causes SIDS.” After a short pause, we say, “…then isn’t this exam room unsafe?” We later put in a complaint with the practice and the hospital. That’s some ridiculously incorrect information to be spouting off at people, especially parents who take everything a doctor says as gospel. I can’t even find the logic in that.
46. Should’ve Put Your Foot in Your Mouth Instead
My friend had just purchased a new, high-powered bb gun. We had just finished shooting it in the backyard when he points the barrel at my face and pulls the trigger several times. I tell him to stop being dumb, and he just laughs and says, “It’s not loaded!” Then the moron puts the barrel in his mouth and POP! He shoots a bb right through his tongue and into his uvula.
47. Pronounced Frustration
At a work Christmas party in a Mexican restaurant, an Irish colleague was trying to argue with the Mexican waitress that the pronunciation of “jalapenos” was really “ja-la-pen-nose.” He wasn’t joking, and he got so upset with her telling him he was wrong that he made a huge scene, and we were almost thrown out.
48. Speaking of the Past
One of my closest friends is a really good guy, but well…I’m learning Spanish, and I once told him I was reading this Don Quixote book. I complained about how difficult it was because it was written in 1605. And he said, “wait… Spanish existed back then?”
49. Complicated Conversion
I asked a temp at work to weigh a couple of lever arch files for postage. She came back and told me they were 65 kg. I asked if it were possible that it was 6.5 kg, but she insisted it wasn’t. We argued about it for a good 5 minutes. It wasn’t until I asked her how much she weighed, which was 59 kg, that she finally realized that these two small folders couldn’t possibly weigh more than her.
50. Just a Pretty Face
A friend of mine in his late 20’s is a sweet guy but is overweight and balding and quite frankly, not very attractive in the face. Well, one day he lets us know that he has met a girl and she might be the one. Well, I’ve met some of the jewels he’s hooked up with in the past so I wasn’t expecting too much. I finally meet this girl, and she is drop-dead gorgeous and has a body that is incredible.
I talk to her for a while and she is super friendly and outgoing. I’m stoked for my boy! He found the best he’s ever going to find. The night progresses, and the new couple starts talking about their plans for an upcoming trip to New Mexico, and she starts telling us how excited she is because she has “never gone to another country before.” I laughed a bit and realized she was dead serious. My friend just looked at me and shook his head. That’s when I knew that he knew she was dumb as a rock, but she was his dumb rock.
51. Solving for X-planation
I teach 6th grade. One time a parent came to me after trying to help their child with math homework and asked, “what number is x worth? It feels like it changes with every problem!” The parent came to me after school without their child because they knew something was wrong and didn’t want to look stupid in front of their kid. This is filed in my brain of parent reactions I can’t fathom along with the mom that year who asked if her child could play piano in marching band.
52. Three Comes Before Four, Therefore…
In the 80’s, A&W attempted to compete with McDonald’s “quarter-pounder” burger by selling a “third-pounder” for the same price. The operation failed tremendously with virtually no one buying the burger. When they surveyed customers for an explanation, the majority of customers responded that they “didn’t want to pay the same price for less meat.”
Their customers genuinely believed that one third was less than one fourth and refused to try the new A&W burger because of it.
53. Saw It in a Movie
When I was in high school, we were reading a short story about what would have happened if the Japanese attacked us back with nuclear weapons after Hiroshima and Nagasaki. A girl in my class raised her hand and said something along the lines of “why does this matter? None of it is real anyway.” When the teacher asked her to clarify, the girl (who’s actually half Japanese) told her that the bombings of Japan were just from a movie and didn’t actually happen.
54. Poison Ivy
I once tried to be romantic by buying a bouquet of flowers for my girlfriend. As soon as I gave them to her, her mom took a look at them and said they were poisonous. Apparently, her mom was some kind of plant expert and knew how to spot the signs of poisonous flowers. My girlfriend is now convinced that I tried to kill her.
55. All Dressed up for Nothing
I got called into the manager’s office and was offered the temporary clothing manager position. I didn’t necessarily want a manager’s position, but I had basically been doing the job for months without the benefits, so I accepted it. I went onto the shop floor and was immediately greeted with “congrats” from colleagues.
A girl who works with me had recently become a duty manager. How she became a manager is beyond me. I’ll hate her forever after that day. She then went and told my business to everyone including the fact that she had been offered the job first and turned it down, which is why it was offered to me. Everyone knew I was being offered the position before I did.
15 minutes later, another manager approaches me saying there’s an issue with putting me in the system, but they’re trying to rectify it. For the next two hours, I listened to the girl telling everyone and anyone how hard she is going to have it and that she will now have to cover the clothing department as well as her own department.
She told colleagues, friends, and customers who didn’t even ask. She made my business known to everyone. Eventually, I was brought into the office and officially told that I wouldn’t be the clothing manager. Apparently, my boss missed a deadline to put me on the system. The manager apologized profusely, and I went back out on the floor to hear the new DM telling my story yet again. Longest. Shift. Ever.
56. Cashier’s Check Outta Here
I work in a somewhat popular restaurant that’s fast-casual style, and it was my first shift as a line cook by myself. I had already worked in the kitchen and can do every position there, but it was my first time doing it by myself. It was a busy night for us, and we were short staffed. By the time we had slowed down, I was exhausted and hot.
I had been standing over 8 burners for about an hour and was taking my lunch. I sat in the office, and the AC was blasting, and it was well needed. My co-worker who was cashiering that day took her lunch 15 minutes after mine started. She saw me in the office and demanded I get out of “her spot.” I just looked at her.
She then told me being a cashier is harder than a line cook because she has to deal with the public. When I told her that I wasn’t moving she swore at me and then was awful the rest of the night. It took about everything in me not to slap her, but instead I told my coworkers who told the MOD, and soon after, she was fired for stealing.
57. Can’t Picture It
“Um. You can’t be Middle Eastern. You don’t look Middle Eastern.” I unfortunately get this a lot. I usually say, “and what does every Middle Eastern person look like?” It usually makes them uncomfortable. For reference, I am pretty pale, freckled, blue eyed, and otherwise my face definitely looks like a Middle Eastern woman. Have you ever heard of the Crusades? My mom and grandmother are both full Middle Eastern and look similar.
58. May I Suggest Velcro?
I had a volunteer come up to me at the public library where I worked and demand that I tie her shoelace.
59. Fried and Disappointed
One time, I ordered a chicken fried steak in a restaurant in which I was currently the only customer. It took an hour to get my food, and when I started eating, I realized that I had gotten chicken fried chicken. I called the waitress over and explained to her that I had ordered chicken fried steak, which she confirmed.
I then told her I had received chicken fried chicken. She stared blankly at me for about 10 seconds and said, “What? You don’t like chicken?” I’m usually pretty quick on my feet with a witty comeback, but I was literally left speechless for a minute. I finally got the words out to explain to her WHY I wasn’t happy with this mix-up but ended up just leaving. Needless to say, I have not been back.
60. Different Schools of Thought
A former co-worker was talking about how she wanted to go back to school to get her Master’s degree because she only had a “bachelorette” degree and wanted more job opportunities. I asked her, “do you mean a bachelor’s degree?” She INSISTED it was pronounced bachelorette when it was given to a woman. Then she led me back to her office and pointed at her diploma to the word Baccalaureate, and said, “SEE?! Bachelorette!”
61. Had to Be There
I’ve got two little girls who were born 15 months apart. They look pretty similar, and we get asked if they’re twins pretty often. Even though one is quite a bit taller, you’d be forgiven for thinking they were fraternal twins. But yeah… I once got into an argument with somebody over whether my daughters are twins or not. It wasn’t until I pointed out that I was literally there watching them being birthed that they finally conceded.
62. All About Labels
I worked with a lady who was talking about how one of her friends had lost a bunch of weight. She pondered, “I wonder how many diet cokes she had to drink to do that.” This was the same lady who was convinced beyond repair that when you sneeze, the air ONLY comes out of your nose. There was no convincing her otherwise.
63. REAL Emergencies
About half the calls I take as a 9-1-1 operator on a daily basis are from people who call 9-1-1 to ask whether Walmart is open, to report that they didn’t get enough mayo on their burger, to complain that the cleanup at a fatality wreck is taking “too long” and all sorts of absurd, out of touch, beyond insensitive stuff. It truly makes you lose faith in humanity.
64. Choose Your Poison
When I went out drinking with 4 of my friends from college and played never have I ever at a bar, a friend of mine, let’s call her B, knew something about me that I was very embarrassed about. B knew that it made me anxious even thinking about it, so naturally, she brings up this very specific thing in the game.
She then looks at me directly making it obvious for everyone at the table that I’ve in fact done this thing. But even though it hurt me, it wasn’t the worst part. It came afterwards, when another friend realized how uncomfortable I was, so she did something to keep the game going and move on from me. She did the same to B.
B flipped out in the middle of the bar, started yelling at my friend for being rude and exposing her to all of us, humiliating her, etc. This might not sound that irrational from her side, but the catch is that we all knew about B’s thing because she already told us and other classmates numerous times, whereas with mine, she was the only person who knew. Needless to say, we are no longer friends with B after that night.
65. Lasting Feelings
Once while we were married, my ex woke up one time while we were sleeping. She starting hitting me, and I mean hard for no apparent reason. I wake up due to the pain of being punched like crazy and think what is going? What happened? Did I accidentally stick it in while she was asleep? Nope. After about an hour of her being really angry, she finally told me that she had a dream that I slept with someone else, and she felt the need to beat me when she woke up.
66. Coming to a Mutual Agreement
When my ex and I were still together, her car broke down so I bought her one of her choice. I gave her a $20k limit for anything she wanted. She wanted something small and easy to drive with good storage space so she chose a brand-new Scion for $16.5k. We drove 4 hours to the next state to get one in the color that she wanted.
A few months later, she’s leaving me. She’s been cheating on me with a guy who was cheating on his wife to be with her. They were mutual cheaters, and she’s leaving me for him. Well, here’s this brand-new car. It was in my name. I was making the payments. And she’s leaving me to go be with the mutual cheater.
I told her that she had two options regarding this car. She could either get a loan to purchase this car off me or I’m taking the car back. I’m not going to pay about $18,000 after interest for a car for her now. She wasn’t happy about this. She was also using my old cell phone since she broke hers. I told her that I wanted my phone back, too.
After I got it back, I looked at what she left on it. She deleted the contact of her new cheater boy, but the text messages remained. I knew his number, so it was easy to see who she was talking to. She was saying to him that I was “driving her crazy” about this car and that I wouldn’t just leave her alone about it. You think that you can leave me for the guy that you were cheating on me with and that I’m still going to pay for this brand-new car of your choice for you?
67. Perceived Intelligence
In high school, a person who I thought I knew to be reasonably intelligent, and had recently been accepted to UCLA, and later went on to be an attorney asked if, “assault was a new thing or had it been around a while?”
68. No Kids Allowed
I was walking my dog who does not like children, and we were coming up on a woman and her small child. I could tell the kid was going to make a beeline for my dog, so I crossed to the other side of the street, so there wouldn’t be any issues. This lady incredulously yelled, “WHAT? My kid can’t pet your dog?”
She yelled this as if her kid was entitled to touch any dog she wanted. I said, “He’s not good with kids, sorry,” and she yelled back, “Whatever, loser.” I was stunned, honestly. I thought about that interaction the rest of the walk. But had I just let her kid come up to my dog, that kid probably would have gotten bitten.
69. Bizarre Expectations
Once, my dad screamed at me for roughly an hour and a half about how he doesn’t care about me, how I mean nothing to him, and how I’m not his daughter. The very next day, he asked to borrow money for smokes and energy drinks.
70. Untimely Pest
I was five minutes early to service a home for pests, and the woman yelled at me for 2 minutes about how inconsiderate I was and then told me to wait in my truck. Her husband then pulled up, and asked what I was doing, and invited me in. She then continued to yell at me about how I shouldn’t have come in because she said to wait until the appointed time.
Her husband apologized, and told me to just leave, and gave me $20 cash. I called my boss and explained the whole situation, and we blocked all her account information.
71. Self-Defined Cartographer
A girl in an AP US history class laughed at me when I was talking about driving to Alaska from Oregon. She insisted Alaska was an island because of how it is separated out on maps. I don’t know if she was the dumbest person that I’ve met overall, but it was certainly the dumbest thing someone insisted they were right about.
72. Getting the Wrong Message
I remember proofreading a paper for a freshman that my college roommate had the hots for. It was on Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal, but somehow this freshman didn’t catch that it was satire. The opening lines of the paper are burned into my memory forever. It said, “eating children would not be a good thing to do. In fact, we could say it would be bad.”
73. Absolute Train Wreck
When we hired a girl a couple years ago, I told her where the manager’s office was her first day. On the second day, she asked me where the manager’s office was, so I walked her to the door. Then on the third day, she asks me where it is again. After, our manager chewed out the girl who trained our new recruit for not teaching her about the job properly.
The trainer pulled out her phone and showed the manager a picture of the girl wearing the uniform backwards and said, “Look at this. This is untrainable.” The new girl got fired about three weeks later for stealing the product because she thought she got it for free because she was an employee.
74. Might as Well Be Worlds Apart
I live in southern Spain, and I once met a girl from the U.S. who was here on some kind of exchange program. When I asked her about how she was liking Spain so far, she said, “I’m loving it. I just don’t know why the plane took so long to get here. I mean we are just a bit BELOW MEXICO. I really don’t know why the flight was that long.” I told her that we were in Europe, and she didn’t believe me. Her reply was, “Europe? It can’t be. Everyone speaks Spanish so we must be somewhere near Mexico for sure!” She was in university. I still don’t know how or why.
75. It’s Different for Boys
My ex-sister-in-law is hands down the dumbest person I’ve ever encountered. There’s literally a plethora of insanely stupid things she’s said over the years, but I’ll use the one that almost made me slap the taste out of her mouth. I had my first son back in 2001, and while I was pregnant, she asked me if I was going to breastfeed. To which I replied that I was. She then asked, “Even if it’s a girl?” and I said of course. Her response blew my mind.
She then proceeded to tell me that it’s perfectly fine to breastfeed boys, but doing so with girls is creepy and could make the child a lesbian. Because “they get the feel of a breast and will remember it and want that as an adult.” To say that I was stunned by her thought process is an understatement. I asked her what she thought people did before formula was invented, and she said “cow’s milk.” And before bottles were invented it was a “rag soaked in cow’s milk.”
76. Oh Honey
We had to do a class project on controversial issues where we all got assigned a topic. The teacher went around and just said them to us verbally, like gay marriage and stuff. One girl handed in a full paper and did a big bristol board presentation about “youth in Asia” since the teacher had gone up to her and said “euthanasia.” It was….incredible.
77. Free Return and Exchanges
I worked at a guest service desk at a big chain store—think bullseye. A couple of years ago, around Christmas time, a woman came to the desk and complained about a string of lights not working properly. I told her that I could return it or exchange it for. She says she’ll grab a different one and come back. Perfect.
She came back half an hour later and started telling me how there were only two packages left. She complained about how the packaging wasn’t perfect. Then she looked me dead in the eyes and says, “What I’d really like you to do is give me this one for free.” I chuckled and said, “We’re not in the business of giving items away for free. The most I can do is 10% off for an imperfect package.” Needless to say, she returned both items.
78. Here She Comes
When I was working in retail, my coworkers and I suddenly heard a loud “boom,” but we didn’t think anything of it. Five minutes later, an older lady who’s in the store almost every day, maybe in her 50s-60s, came up to me and said, “I just drove into your building.” I looked at her, and right before I began to laugh out loud, I realized she actually did.
79. Right Before Your Eyes
I worked in retail for a few years, and it taught me that many people are either incapable or unwilling to read. I have had people walk up to me to ask me how much something is only for the price tag to be featured prominently on the item. It usually goes with me saying, “it’s $9.99, ma’am,” which is usually followed with a very loud, “HOW DID YOU KNOW?” I finally concede with, “it says so on the price tag, ma’am.”
80. Fowl Understanding
I used to manage a retail store that sold teen clothing, so as expected, I primarily had teens working for me. One employee came to the back room while I was on break and asked what I was eating. Somehow the topic turned to how I should’ve brought chicken for lunch because she wanted chicken. I told her I was vegetarian and therefore don’t eat meat.
She tells me chicken is NOT meat. It’s “poultry,” and according to her, vegetarians can eat poultry because at the grocery store the aisles list “meat” and “poultry” separately so they’re obviously different. We argued for a couple of minutes before I finally told her to go back to the sales floor. She didn’t last at the job long, but MAN.
81. Not Really Tapping In
One of my friends showered in cold water for a year because he never thought of turning the other tap to see what it would do.
82. Mood Change
A man was regaling his fellow party-goers with his drunken jokes. He described being found as a newborn in a field after his teenage mother hid her pregnancy and gave birth at home. All he knew about her was that she was a Waffle House waitress. We sat there, enthralled, waiting for the punchline until we realized he’d moved from “life of the party” onto the “in vino veritas” stage of drunkenness.
83. Stone’s Throw Away from Common Sense
I work as a server in a restaurant. We use little wooden trays as check presenters, and since it is an open-air restaurant, we weigh down the receipts with decorative stones that are like the shiny ones for the bottoms of fish tanks. I dropped a check for an older couple, and after a few minutes, I went back to get it.
The man said, “You should warn people that those rocks aren’t chocolates! I could have broken a tooth!” I get a lot of older people who like to josh around with me, so I definitely thought he was kidding. He was not. He was actually mad at me because he had tried to eat the rock, and it was obviously my fault.
84. Playing Around
My now boyfriend and I were on our fifth date. We were out to lunch, and some toddler started throwing a screaming fit. My boyfriend and I looked at each other, and I said something along the lines of, “Kids are the best, aren’t they?” Which is when he said, “Oh, I’ve been meaning to tell you. I have a daughter.” We have similar humor styles, so I started giggling thinking he was teasing. He was not. So that was interesting.
85. Consider the Lobster
I was a cook a few years ago. On a particularly busy night, we ran out of lobster mac and cheese. This one waitress could not understand how this was possible and just kept nagging and nagging in disbelief. I got annoyed to the point that I told her the reason for this was that there was a shortage of people with small enough hands to milk lobsters’ tiny nipples, hence a worldwide shortage of lobster milk to make that dish. I had to come clean with her when she started telling this to customers and they demanded to speak with a manager.
86. The Manhattan Theory
My former boss was worried that the island of Manhattan would sink with all the extra visitors for New Years and the ball dropping. She thought islands float, and when she found out that wasn’t true, she thought it was so funny that she told everyone the story. She was later fired for withholding a pay raise from someone on her team because he didn’t accept her advances. He had the texts to prove it.
87. Two for Dumb
I remember once, this dumb guy that I knew from middle school put money into the vending machine, and then his item didn’t come out. So then, to try and get it out, he put MORE MONEY into the machine, and then two of what he wanted dropped to the bottom. He pulled out his items and then exclaimed, “All right! 2 for 1!” Oh buddy, do I have news for you.
88. The Lie Detector Test Results Revealed That…
One time, my now ex-girlfriend and I were watching Maury Povich and it was one of those paternity test episodes with the classic “You are NOT the father!” moments. As the episode ends, she turns to me and says the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard: “If we ever have a baby and I found out I’m not the mother, I’ll kill you.” Thankfully, we didn’t end up reproducing.
89. Living Life on Half the Time
There was a girl in my sophomore year of high school who truly believed that there were six months in a year. She was really nice but very surprised and confused when we tried to set her right. If you’re wondering which months she would have included in her version of a year, don’t bother. We tried asking her about it and it was clear that hadn’t thought that far ahead.
90. In Different Quarters
I was working retail at the time, and this lady walks in and asks me to tell her when it is quarter after 10 because she needs to catch a bus. We were slow, so I obliged. 10:15 rolls around and I tell her, so she drops her stuff and runs out to get the bus. Five minutes later she comes back in scowling. And she then lectures me on how to tell time. “How much is a quarter? 25 cents! So why would you tell me a quarter after 10 is 10:15!! It’s 10:25!”
91. Scot-free of Relativity
One Wednesday, a customer asked me why our produce section was so empty especially in terms of stuff like lettuce. I told him that it was because of extreme weather in Spain where we source most of our stuff from. He cut off my explanation with, “Why does it matter what’s going on in Spain? We’re in Scotland.”
92. Ready for Anything
When I was 18, I went with my then-girlfriend from Florida where she lived with her aunt and uncle to Las Vegas to meet her parents. I found out that her dad and mom lived in separate houses right across the street from one another for whatever reason. It was strange—but definitely not the strangest thing that would happen that trip.
Her dad came over to her mom’s house to meet me, and I couldn’t help but notice he was dressed in a suit. I thought maybe he was just a fancy dresser. He kept asking me questions about my family and how I felt about his daughter. He seemed to like me, and we went through the trip on fairly pleasant terms, but nothing else happened of any note.
Once we got back home to Florida was when my girlfriend decided to tell me that her dad thought we were coming out to Vegas to get married, and he dressed up and put on his suit because he was planning on taking us to get married that day. She had to tell him that we had no intention of getting married in Vegas.
93. Butt End of the Conversation
My uncle asked my brother if he thought my other brother, who’s gay, bleached his bum hole. My brother telling me the story said, “I kept waiting for him to start laughing or smile or anything, but he just stared at me with such a straight face. I was like ‘Oh you’re serious? I don’t know, dude…’ What was I supposed to say?”
94. Let’s Call a Square a Square
About a year into our marriage, my wife and I bought a dining table and chairs. It was our first “real” furniture! My wife was so happy, she posted pictures on Facebook and wanted her mom to look. Well, her mom commented on the phone that it was a nice “oval table.” Wife is immediately upset. “You didn’t look,” she says. “Yes I did!” her mom insists.
“It’s not oval, it’s rectangular.” “No, it’s an oval, I looked.” Wife finally gets her mom to actually go look for real, and then it gets even worse. She drops this gem: “Well that’s what I call it!” “Um, you call rectangles ovals?” This has become a running gag for us. Whenever we lose an argument, we always end it with, “Well, that’s what I call it!”
95. We’re Open! Don’t Come In
On the first day of a new job, my boss was discussing standard office policies. He said, “And I’d like to point out that we have an open-door policy here.” I thought that was cool and said, “Oh, great! So, if I have a problem, I can come to you?” He said, “No, I mean keep your office door open at all times.” Oh.
96. Drowning in the Water Under the Bridge
I was working in a French company. We were working with a development team in Vietnam on some IT project. The project manager they reported to in HQ is French. They didn’t like him, and he knew it. Even so, the Vietnamese team did a great job. He wanted to find the correct words to congratulate them, hoping to smoothen the future relationship.
He sent this incredible “thank you” email that said, “When we see the quality of your work, we can only realize how sad it is that we lost you guys as a colony.” The French expats in the Vietnam office told me they were hiding in shame for a full week.
97. Unnatural Landmarks
Someone in my work expressed shock once at my postcard of Niagara Falls because she didn’t believe it was a real place. She told me, “I thought that was just for films. I always thought it was a made-up place… like y’know…the Grand Canyon.”
98. Sniffed Out
I once knew this kid who was dumber than snake mittens and just about as useful. He came into our government class claiming that you could still smell the tea spilled into the Boston Harbor during the Boston Tea Party. My government teacher spent the next five minutes explaining to him that that was physically impossible. This kid, after some deliberation, seemingly grasped the concept of time and relented on the topic, or so we thought.
Not five minutes later, he said, “I bet you can still smell it when you’re underwater,” as certain as a man can be. Now at this point we were juniors in high school and for the first time in my life, I was in utter disbelief that a person could have survived under the sheer force of their own stupidity up until that point. Class was completely derailed at this point with the teacher trying to explain to him why you can’t breathe underwater but to no avail.
Bless his heart he tried. He said that he didn’t want a student drowning because he didn’t understand you couldn’t smell underwater, but the kid was dead certain. After that year in class with him I never saw him again. Probably drowned.
99. Me ‘n My Moo
My friends were always convinced that my girlfriend was too dumb for me, but I always defended her saying you just had to get to know her. One day, we’re attempting to do that over at my best friend’s place, and we’re all having milk and cookies. She remarks how fresh the milk is. I say, “Yeah, it’s local so it’s practically straight from the cow.”
She gets quiet then says, “Cows? I always thought milk came from pigs!” So, I say, “But there’s a cow on the carton?” She goes, “I thought that was the mascot!” My friend just turned his head slowly and looked me right in the eye. I looked away.
100. Wrong Foot Forward
This is a true story. I worked with a guy who made a bet that his steel toe shoes could stop a freight elevator and tested it with his foot in them still. Exactly what you’d think would happen happened and now his toes are gone. That’s the dumbest person I know.
101. Got Milk?
Once, I jokingly told an insecure flatmate that drinking milk would make her breasts grow larger. I walk into our kitchen one morning and find her downing a liter of milk while leaning over to one side. When I asked her what she was doing, she looked at me like I was an idiot as she told me that her left boob was smaller than her right so she was trying to help it catch up.
102. We Didgeridoo Things Differently
I was traveling with this American dude and I tell him that, “We don’t get snow at Christmas in Australia dude, because it’s summertime.” He nods in agreement and says, “Oh yeah right… You know the heat wouldn’t bother me. I just couldn’t get my head around having Christmas in July. It’s always been December 25 for me” I just say, “…No…it’s…no…don’t worry,” because I really didn’t know what to say.
103. The Paternity Is in the Tongue
My girlfriend at the time, C, lived with her friend, K who was not the sharpest tool in the shed. I would always be there hanging out and somehow, I got sucked into Days of Our Lives. I know, stupid, but hey, being forced to watch it weekly made me invested in the characters to a degree. So, in the show, Sammy and Lucas are the star-crossed lovers.
They’re not always together throughout the show, but they find their way back to each other. In this story of mine, they have been set back together, and they’re still working things out. BUT, wait! There’s a handsome, young Englishman named EJ who just moved into town. Sammy ends up having a one-night stand with him. Oh dear!
Two weeks later we find out on Days of Our Lives that Sammy is pregnant! We wonder whose kid it was. Then K pipes in and says, “This is so stupid.” I, knowing that this will be good, ask her, “oh? why do you think that?” She says, “There’s no tension. This is dumb.” Well, we had to know why, so I ask, “why is that, K?” Her answer was priceless.
She explains, “Well, they’re going to know whose baby it is if it comes out with a British accent or not.” I put the TV on mute and say, “I’m sorry. One more time.” K looks at me like I have two heads and says, “like this -standard cry- or like this -Disney stereotype of a chimney cleaner in London losing his wife to typhoid-.” I just go, “nope,” and walk out.
104. Hiding a Meltdown
Once, my roommate finished ironing his clothes, and he wanted to put the ironing board away, so he put the hot iron on the carpet and put the board away. I came home to find a large speaker from our old entertainment system sitting in the middle of the living room. When I went to move it back, I found the giant patch of melted carpet shaped like the iron. He genuinely thought he could hide it with the speaker.
105. Interior Doctor-ater
My sister in-law was at a doctor’s appointment when the doctor asked her if her stool was black. Later when she came home, she sat down on one of their black kitchen stools and proceeded to ask my wife how the doctor knew what color they were.
106. No World Record Holder
I was walking through the mall with a buddy of mine a couple years ago and came across one of those stands selling hats and t-shirts. My buddy turns to me and says, “You should buy me that hat because it says genius.” I look wide-eyed at the hat and reread what was written across it 3 or 4 times before turning to my buddy and saying, “Dude, the hat says Guinness.” Yes, Guinness, as in the beer company.
107. Optical Delusion
I had a friend once who truly believed that magicians like Criss Angel and David Blaine had some kind of magical power or telekinesis or something along those lines. While watching one of those magicians on TV performing on the street, he argued, “how could this be fake? Look at all those people. Can’t fake all that. Has to be some kind of power or magic.”
I then have to ask him, “Do you realize that movies are fake? They fake entire universes, planets, cities, war, etc.” He didn’t understand what I was getting at.
108. Pounding on Eggshells
I just had a customer yell at me for putting their eggs in a separate bag saying they don’t want all those bags and the paper ones always rip. She said all of this before putting it in the bag and throwing a pound of flour on top. It was somewhat satisfying seeing their face as we heard the cracks…until I realized I’m the one who needed to clean it up. Oh, also she complained that we hadn’t warned her about the fragility of eggs.
109. Vitamin D Supplement
I’m a physician, an eye doctor specifically. I will tell you that the longer I work, which is now 15 years, my standard for the “average” person’s intelligence continues to decline. Thanks to the awful information filtering out there, I had a patient just last week who read that Vitamin D helps you resist lung infections and that he could get more Vitamin D by getting more sun. So, he wanted to “collect” as much light as possible with his eyes. As a result, he stared at the sun for a solid 60 seconds and burned holes directly into his retinas. His vision is permanently reduced and there is no chance of future improvement.
110. In No Particular Order
I used to teach university students. The kids were 20-21 years old and in the second year of either molecular biology, biochemistry, or microbiology. When I handed back assignments, I told them that they were alphabetized by last name. Every week, 90% of them would flip through the stack one-by-one whether their name was Atkins or Zanzibar. They didn’t listen, and they didn’t learn.
111. Only in America
When I was a sophomore in high school, a classmate asked to borrow a pen, and I lent him one of mine that had the Eiffel Tower on it. He asked where the building was from, and I said Paris. He gave me a confused look and asked where Paris was. Was it further away than Chicago? Now it was my turn to be confused. We were in high school. How the heck did he not know Paris was in France? But whatever, maybe he’s not the brightest. So, I inform him that Paris is in France. But he still looks utterly confused. I assume he misheard me, so I start explaining it.
“France, you know, like, FRANCE. From history class? World War II, Napoleon… that France.” He says he was bad at history and has never heard of France before. He then asks me if it was another state or if it was like a region of our state. Utterly baffled at this point, I try to explain that it was another country entirely, and it was in Europe.
Exasperated, I remember saying, “you know, Europe?! That other continent?” He still looks confused, so I add, “THE LAND ACROSS THE OCEAN!” Finally, there is recognition on his face. He tells me he heard of oceans before, and he thinks he understands now. I remind you that this encounter was with a student who didn’t know what Europe was took place in high school.
112. Double the Heartache
A girl in one of my college classes argued that heart transplants shouldn’t be allowed because “that’s where the feelings are” and the person receiving the heart wouldn’t be the same person anymore.
113. Not but a Train Ride Away
My favorite was a guy who was planning his honeymoon, but he didn’t have a lot of money. He was bummed about the cost of air travel. A friend suggested a train ride might be cheaper. He became frustrated after a few days of trying and complained that he couldn’t find any trains going from Chicago to…Hawai’i. He genuinely couldn’t understand why not.
114. Blond Boomerang
I worked for a big chain grocery store as bagger and cart wrangler. There was this one overweight blond woman who would come in all time and cause chaos to no end. One example of her ridiculous and unnecessary nonsense included buying a 15-pound turkey and complaining that it tasted bad and wanting to return it.
She presented a platter with an empty carcass except for one piece of meat on one bone. Another time, she bought a $37 plant, did not water it, showed up a year and a half later with the plant dead as a doornail, and demanded a refund. Then she bought a grill, used 10 gallons of gasoline as fuel, caused an understandable fire/explosion, came back with the receipt and charred grill, and demanded a refund. I could go on.
This would be a weekly, if not bi-weekly, happening. It got to the point where many cashiers would see her enter the store, turn off their light, and leave. Now, when I say she made a fuss, I’m not talking about your normal “I want to speak to your manager” type deal. Oh no, she went beyond that and went even further.
She would rant and rave, throw herself on the floor, roll around, throw things, call 9-1-1, which I witnessed and kept count at 87 times, and pull out her cell phone filming herself being “victimized” to report us to the media. She was eventually banned from the store after years of this. I heard stories that she began terrorizing our neighbor branch 7 blocks down the road.
115. She’s Driving Everyone Crazy!
Every Friday, my mother goes grocery shopping. The store is a block away from where she lives and she usually drives there. On this particular day, after she finished shopping, she decided to walk back home. The next morning, she wakes me and my father up in a panic to let us know that her car has been stolen. The cops come, we fill out all the paperwork, and she gets a rental car for the time being.
That’s not even the best part. The following Friday, she drives again to the grocery market and parks the rental right next to her “stolen” car. Now, her car is a champagne-colored Mitsubishi Diamante—not such a common car or color. Nevertheless, when she sees it, she comments on how similar the car looks to hers, but makes nothing else of it.
A few days later, the cops call us to let us know that the car is in the grocery store’s parking lot just one block away from our house. Yea, that call was awkward, to say the least. I’ve got plenty of other stories about her, but this is probably the best one.