Listen, people can repeat the phrase “to err is human” all day long, but when you do something really and truly humiliating, the type of thing that makes you want to dig a hole in the ground and live there forever, it’s not much comfort. Sure, we all do awkward things from time to time—but rarely are our embarrassing moments as devastatingly cringeworthy as these. From bathroom mishaps to getting caught in the act, these stories are proof that humans just can’t stop themselves from doing the wrong thing at the wrong time.
1. Splashing Around
I was sleeping over at a girlfriend’s house, and in the middle of the night, I needed to take a leak. So, I got up, went about my business, and went back to bed. In the morning, I wake up next to a slender Burmese man. I was extremely confused and I looked out the doorway to see her standing there signaling me out. Yup. I slept with my girlfriend’s dad.
2. An Act of Dominance
I’m a big guy, but my fiancé’s female Australian Shepherd always acted dominant around me, and tried to hump my leg on several occasions. So, one day on the back deck of our house, it went at me again. I decided to show her who’s boss. I grabbed her from behind and started humping her. I did this for, I don’t know, 10 seconds.
When I looked up, the new neighbors—who’d just bought the house next door, were all standing in the yard holding their cardboard boxes… just watching me. At the moment, I thought, “It will seem odd if I stop now.” So, I kept going and just waved to them casually. They didn’t say a word, and the next week, they put the house back up for sale.
I was living at my grandparents’ house in between renting and buying a house. I did not have an internet connection in my room, so I sometimes stuck around at work for an hour or two doing random stupid internet things. Nothing inappropriate. I know better than that. One day I was still at work about an hour after closing, writing emails, listening to music on my headphones. I felt a presence, turned around, and saw that the owner and her husband were there, looking at me.
I joked, “Oh hi guys. Depending on how long you’ve been here, this is a little embarrassing!” I’m pretty sure they thought I was looking up adult videos.
4. The Princess in the Water
When I was a 12-year-old boy, I was swimming on the beach in Point Pleasant, New Jersey one summer afternoon. I was out pretty far into the water and I thought nobody was around. Anyways, as I swam, I invented a random tune in my head. I emerged from the water and proudly sang my song loudly: “ONCE… A PRINCESS… AL-WAYS A PRINCESS!!!”
I sang it loud. I sang it to the Gods. I sang it to Gaia and Mother Earth! I sang it to the 15-year-old guy treading water five feet away from me, who proceeded to give me the most quintessential, “weirded-out” face I’ve ever seen. I swam there, mortified for a moment before diving into the water and getting as far away as possible.
5. The Sneeze
Back in high school, I was a socially awkward geek. In French class, I answered all the questions right. After my 15th question, the popular girl behind me goes cough, nerd, cough. I cough and cuss at her. The whole class gasped—I had cussed out the popular girl in class. She spits on the back of my head and punches me in the back.
I turn around, about to spit on her, and suddenly… I get a huge urge to sneeze. Yep, you guessed it. I sneezed all over her. My snot was like a web between my nose and her face. I was sent out of the classroom, as the girl screamed and started crying. An hour later, everybody knows. On the bright side, I met the girl’s big brother later that day and he fist-bumped me because she was a pain at home.
6. Singing Through the Phone
I was on the phone with the tax office one time, and I’d been on hold for a good 20 minutes before I got overly bored. I decided I’d play my guitar to pass the time. For the next 15 minutes, I played and sang my heart out. Finally, a man took me off hold to tell me that the entire office thoroughly enjoyed my musical stylings and that I made his day better. I had no idea they could hear me, and had completely forgotten what I phoned the tax office for.
7. A Robe and a Wink
I ran downstairs to get a shirt and bra off the clothes drying rack in my basement one morning, only to find my sister’s boyfriend on the floor where he had spent the night. Completely topless, I pulled the, “Maybe if I’m really quiet, he won’t notice I’m here.” After successfully getting through the door to my laundry freedom, I get a robe and a wink for Christmas about a month later. Fail.
I was at a local department store when I was a kid. My mom was doing some shopping and it was around my birthday, so she told me to go look at the video games and try to pick one out and let her know the name and how much it was. So, eight-year-old me goes over to the electronics department and I start looking at the different titles, when a few minutes later I feel a rumbling in my gut. I have to toot.
Well, the store was always understaffed, and I didn’t see anyone when I came into the department, so I let it rip. eight-year-old me somehow held an earth-shattering toot in my bowels. This thing was loud. And, of course, I’m an immature eight-year-old, I can’t help but laugh. I check the price of the game I had been looking at and turn around to go find my mom…when I see the electronics guy crouched down putting stuff on the shelf the next aisle over, looking at me like I was the anti-Christ.
9. Trippy Leaves
I was walking to class one day in the spring and I noticed the leaves reflecting on a windshield of a car about a block away. As I walked, the reflection kind of stretched near the top of the windshield, and the leaves were making a cool, warping pattern. The same thing happened with the sky and clouds between trees, so I just kept staring right at this windshield for about a block and moving towards it. I got about four feet in front of the car and I hear someone inside lock the doors like five times.
10. The Piano Bar
A couple of years ago I was at a popular piano bar with my friend for her birthday. We were sitting in the very front by the pianos and there were about 200 people in the bar at the time. I went to the restroom and when I came back, the piano players called me over. I danced with them and my backside was facing the audience. When I sat down these two random women come over to me. They said the worst thing possible: “Your dress is tucked into your underpants.”
I had been dancing with my bum hanging out the whole time.
11. Trial by Fire
The first time I ever spoke in public was a debate competition when I was 13. Welp, I peed myself in front of teachers, peers, opponents, other schools, judges, and any other descriptor for a person in that 200-person audience. I was embarrassed but decided that nothing more embarrassing would likely happen if I spoke in public again, and now I have no fear of public speaking.
12. That Doesn’t Mean What You Think It Means
When I was young, I didn’t know the difference between “getting laid” and “getting laid off.” Had no idea that these things are completely different, and I would use them almost interchangeably. So, when my dad lost his job one year, the next day at school I went around explaining to all my classmates: “Yeah, things aren’t going well at my house, my dad got laid yesterday.”
13. This Impression Doesn’t Hold Water
My little brother once went to nursery and told his teachers about how his dad acts at home. To demonstrate, he pretended to drink from a bottle, loudly said “glug, glug, glug” then fell over backward. My step-dad isn’t at all an alcoholic, and hardly ever drinks, especially not at home. He was absolutely mortified when he found out.
14. Good Grief
My mother and I were out walking and we came across an older couple we knew from the local church. Their eldest son had just passed on from an inoperable brain tumor, and their younger son just moved out for university. Mum starts with, “Must be nice to have the house to yourself! More time for Church!”
The conversation devolves from there. She ignores all hints to drop the subject, including the mother stating they hadn’t been back to the church since their son passed. The couple were obviously horrified. I couldn’t end the convo quick enough. Afterward, my mother told me I was just being immature and had no conception of what “polite adult conversation” was like.
15. You’re Screwed
I was born missing one of my cuspid teeth, and I had a tooth implant done just a few years ago. In other words, they put a screw in my mouth. Not long after, my boyfriend’s dad had a surgery where they put a few screws in his hip. Hearing this news, I immediately told him, in front of their whole family, “Hey, we can be screw buddies!!” They still won’t let it go.
16. The Odyssey
When I was in middle school, I was at a birthday party for a friend of mine who lived a couple of blocks down the street from me. In the middle of the party, I suddenly got the biggest urge to poop. My crush was at the party, and the only bathroom was right next to the living room where everyone was, so I knew I couldn’t go there. This is where it all unraveled.
I told my friend I had to run home because my mom needed help with something. I tried calling her or my dad to come pick me up, but neither answered, so I had to walk. I wanted to run, but was afraid if I did it would let loose, so I determinedly sped-walk home. I got about three houses away from my house, and then it happened.
It became too much, and I totally pooped my pants. Then when I got home, no one was there and I realized I didn’t have my keys, so I was locked out. I waddled around to my sister’s window as it was always unlocked, pried it open, and very carefully maneuvered my poop-covered self into the bedroom. Oh wait, there’s more.
Unfortunately, her bed was under the window, and on my way down, I smeared poop all over one of her pillows. I went into the bathroom, cleaned up, changed my pants, threw out the poop-covered pillow, then headed back to the party. No one questioned me, and no one ever found out what happened. But I still know.
17. Open Door Policy
I once had a terribly annoying itch around my private area, so I pulled down my underwear to give it a scratch. Unfortunately, I forgot that my bedroom door was open…and that my parents were entertaining family friends in the living room. I was 13 years old at the time. I wanted to literally DIE right then and there when I realized what I had just done.
18. Buried in His Books
Back when I was in high school, I really liked this one particular girl. So, one time in class, as I was talking with a few of my friends, I wanted to try and make eye contact with that girl, but in such a way where no one else would notice or catch on to what I was up to. In order to try and achieve that, I came up with a brilliant plan.
I covered my face with a book and tried to move my head slowly behind it until I had completely covered it from their sight. I must have looked really stupid doing that because as soon as I moved the book away, I saw this other girl in my class staring directly at me and laughing her head off. I still remember that and feel really stupid about it.
19. Code Blue
I had the nickname “Blue” for a while. It was short for “blue-light special” because I got lost in a K-Mart on a boy scout trip when I was like 11…
20. He Knows If You’ve Been Bad or Good
Around Christmas when I was seven, I was watching a movie with my parents and heard the characters talk about adult movies and such, if you catch my drift. I asked my parents what it meant, and they didn’t tell me, so I looked it up on our family computer. Well, once I saw what it was, I got terrified I wouldn’t get anything for Christmas from Santa.
So I wrote a letter to him apologizing. He wrote me back and said it was ok. The next year, I realized Santa was my parents. It still keeps me up at night.
The first time my girlfriend and I went out on a date, we went mini-golfing. Wanting to be the awesome cool new boyfriend and assert my dominance, I jumped across a river and made it. On my attempt to jump back, the rock I was stepping on slipped and I fell sideways into the river. My white shorts were dyed blue along with my shirt and half of my body. I ran through the mini-golf course, jumped over the fence to the parking lot, and waited in my car until my girlfriend could stop laughing enough to get in the car.
22. Indecent Exposure
I was wearing a long dress on an escalator at an airport and it got stuck in the stairs. The gears were pulling in my dress and I was fighting like heck to pull it back out. The escalator was eating my dress and my underpants were rapidly being exposed. I am looking around and start seeing people looking at me in horror. But it got even worse.
When I finally got the dress out, I hobbled to my gate I realized that the waiting area that witnessed my incident was the seating area for my flight. Everyone I’d be spending the next nine hours with saw it happen.
23. The Affair
When I was 14 and almost always thought with my junk, I decided it would be great to pleasure myself with protection on. I liked how it felt and did it all the time for about a week. They also happened to be my dad’s condoms, so, long story short—my mom realizes that so many are missing and thinks my father is having an affair.
She comes crying to me about it and my initial reaction is to deny any speculation that I used them. After realizing that this may end my parent’s marriage, I ran upstairs and with tears coming from my eyes I explained to my mom that I used them, not for intercourse, but for self-pleasure. I cried for an hour.
24. Press Play
The first time I met my ex-girlfriend’s parents and family, it was Thanksgiving, and the PS2 had just come out. I went over; we were having dinner and her whole family was there celebrating. Her dad and I start talking. He says he is a big gamer and would love to try it, so I go and get it from my house (I just lived a few miles down the road) along with my VCR because their TV was old and it was the only way the PS2 would work.
So, he starts playing M2K or something. Then about an hour into the session, my ex’s little sister is sitting next to the VCR I brought, and accidentally hits play with her foot. This causes the VCR to play a tape, beginning my waking nightmare: the tape happened to be an adult film I left in. Up pops a nude girl on screen—right in front of my ex’s grandmother, little children of the family, mom, everyone. Her dad just says, “God darn satellite!” and tries turning it off with the remote.
I wait a second, probably a little too long, (I could not move from shock) and shamefully get up and walk over to the VCR to turn it off. Her dad says, “Wait was that yours?” Embarrassed as heck, I say, “yep.” Everyone laughed and she was so angry, but I ended up being with her for three years so it must have not bothered her dad too bad.
25. Hobo Pants
My friend, who’s an actor, was onstage for the final performance of a show he was in. His pants were about six sizes too big, and they didn’t want him to wear a belt so they had bobby-pinned his pants. That last night, the bobby pins had apparently mostly fallen off, and his pants fell down. No big problem, he was playing a hobo, so he could have just picked them up and held them for the rest of his time onstage…
Too bad they took his boxers with them. He was naked from the waist down. His parents and his girlfriend were watching.
26. Wanna Know How I Got These Scars?
I used to wear glasses, hearing aids, braces, and had severe cystic acne. My doctor put me on Accutane (for the acne) and it made my face insanely dry. One day a few weeks after starting the medication, my friend made me laugh hard in class—it cracked the skin on my cheeks and my face bled in the shape of my smile like Heath Ledger’s joker scar. I was an abomination.
27. The Long Hug
I had a crush on a girl back in 10th grade. We flirted with each other and she told me via MSN that she would like a hug when she came back to school (she was sick for like two weeks straight). So, when the day came, I hugged her. It was super awkward. I hugged her for like a minute straight, and she calmly asked if I would let go of her. That minute felt like an eternity and felt embarrassing as heck.
After 11 years it still makes me cringe when I think about it.
28. Whipped Cream
I used to wait tables. During a busy Sunday post-church lunch rush, I had to make a sundae for a table in the very back corner of the restaurant. I get to the table and the entire party starts laughing. I’m standing there holding the sundae, super confused. I look down and realize that I had somehow managed to get a large amount of whipped cream directly over my crotch while preparing the sundae. It was nowhere else on me. Just my crotch.
All I could do was put the sundae down, say, “Oh my gosh!” and speed walk back through the entire restaurant to clean myself up.
29. A Morning Swim
I was staying at a nice hotel while traveling for work. They had a great pool. I went in there one morning and I was the only one there. I started messing about, recreating the opening scene of Jaws where the girl realizes that her leg has been bitten off, then lots of splashing like the shark had come back for the second go. Then I tried a bit of synchro, kicking my legs up in various shapes.
Then I did a bit of goalkeeper practice by throwing my goggles and diving to catch them. Then I saw a window overlooking the pool and a family of six people eating breakfast and watching me. I’m a 51-year-old man.
30. Bathroom Affirmations
I was doing this self-help wacky hypnosis thing to lose weight, and part of it involved reciting affirmations to yourself (I am strong. I can be thin, etc.). I was in the men’s room at my office, which had separate areas for the sinks and stalls/urinals, in front of the mirror doing my thing for several minutes, when suddenly there was a flush and my coworker walked out looking kind of sheepish. We never spoke of it.
31. Circular Logic
I was at my office, maybe a week or so into a cool new job. I shared the space with two of the bosses, but I was alone because everyone had left for lunch. So, I started spinning around in my chair just for the heck of it. Like, spinning HARD. Then, I suddenly hear a tap on the window and it’s my boss who had forgotten his wallet. I don’t know how much of it he saw, but I couldn’t even look at him for the rest of the day.
32. A Hands-on Solution
Years and years ago, I was at my friend’s parents’ place and couldn’t flush a bowel movement. Eventually, I flushed enough that it flooded the bowl to nearly overflowing levels, but it was still stuck. I heard my friend ask if I was OK through the door and I just said “yep,” hoping the terror wasn’t creeping out of my voice.
I had to get out of there, but I couldn’t leave my poop-particled water to stagnate there. So I resorted to drastic measures. I did the only thing I could and stuck my hand in the bowl and punched that poop into pieces with my bare hands. It was single-handedly the worst thing that ever happened to me, but I got the problem fixed I guess, so that was good. Yep, my hand stunk afterward. Some say it still does to this day.
33. What’s in Your Toy Box?
I once purchased some highly inappropriate and embarrassing adult toys online and had them delivered to my home address. I came home one day to find the parcel containing these items OPEN, sitting on my bed with a note from my mother saying “Sorry, I thought this was my parcel!” The shame was unbearable and I still cringe whenever I think about it. I tried to deflect the whole thing by texting her to ask if she had any wrapping paper I could use for ‘the joke present I bought for my friend’s 21st birthday party.’ Eurghhhh…
34. Single and Not Ready to Mingle
I had a tendency to get super obsessive over my crushes growing up. Total lovesick “I will straight-up marry you right now” obsessive. I went the whole nine yards: extravagant love letters, angsty writing in my journal, weird photos and music video montages, dreaming and daydreaming…yeah, all the cringey, creepy stuff.
I was a lonely kid with a lot of feelings and an emotionally painful home life. I didn’t stop until one girl legitimately thought of me as her “stalker” in a quasi-endearing way. That’s when it hit home for me that my idea of love was wrong, and you have to get to know someone to have a relationship with them. Haven’t looked back since, but it’s cringey to think of.
35. Caught Red-Handed
I once sat on a red pastel crayon in middle school. I was wearing white pants. Everyone thought what they thought, and there was no arguing otherwise.
36. Fair-Weather Friends
When I was in elementary school, the popular girl in my class was having a birthday party. Somehow, I got invited. My parents dropped me off at her house and when I came in, they were all playing with Barbies. I didn’t know we were supposed to bring them. So, feeling awkward, I went to the bathroom and hung out there for a bit.
When I came out, all the other girls were gone. Like, the house was almost completely empty and quiet. Then the mom came around the corner and asked why I didn’t go to the movies with the rest of the girls…The mom had to call my parents and explain that I got ditched and they needed to come pick me up. That one hurt.
37. The Long Walk
When I was in third grade, I had to walk from one side of the room to the other to line up for something. Every other step I took was a toot. Like a loud and obvious one. The class cracked up and were as brutal as third graders are expected to be. That is also the year I called my teacher “mom.” Third grade me was a confused and gassy hot mess.
38. Write What You Know
When I was 13, I wrote a pretty detailed fan fiction about my absolute favorite anime. That alone wouldn’t be so embarrassing, except for the fact that the details included me and a character who was 26 playing strip poker, among other dirty things my 13-year-old mind came up with. But here’s where I really screwed myself over.
I THEN decided to print the story out so I could read it later and make edits. However, I decided to bring it into the bathroom to read while I took a bath, and left it in there when I was done. My dad found it and read it, and let’s just say he was not happy with the writing content his daughter decided to pick.
39. Batter Up
During a rec baseball game when I was 7 or 8, I had to pee really badly. I even told my coach, but he said I was up to bat and couldn’t run off now. I should’ve struck out on purpose, but I wasn’t that clever and couldn’t think anyway. When I got on base, I couldn’t hold it any longer…and peed my pants on the diamond.
40. Teacher’s Pet
I always used to volunteer to help out with first-day registration at my middle school. All my friends gave me heck for being a suck-up. But, well, the real reason I did it was if you volunteered, you got to pick your locker rather than having one randomly assigned. And see, I had a gigantic crush on my English teacher.
So both seventh and eighth-grade years of middle school, I wound up with a locker directly across from his classroom so I could see him every day. And I found the most ridiculous excuses possible to have to go to my locker. I may have also sent him the world’s most cringe-inducing anonymous Valentine my eighth-grade year.
I’m pretty sure he knew it was me, but I didn’t care, I was completely smitten. So it was kind of like that episode of The Simpsons where Lisa gets a crush on Mr. Bergstrom. Except it wasn’t charming in any way. It was awkward and terrible and a wee bit stalkerish. Not having the chance to apologize to him for being such a weirdo is among my biggest regrets in life—unfortunately he passed unexpectedly just after I started high school.
41. Scout Camp
When I was in eighth grade, I went to a scout camp with a few of my friends. One of the nights, we were in the cabin and everyone was asleep, except me. I couldn’t fall asleep, so I was quietly awake when I started to hear this strange sound. It sounded like someone was pleasuring themselves. I looked over to where the sound was coming from, and one of my friends was sitting there doing the deed.
I was like, “DUDE, WHAT THE HECK” and all he could say was, “I thought you were asleep.” I was more embarrassed than he was!
42. The Wedgie
I was at an IHOP with some friends and had received a serious wedgie upon sliding into my booth. The longer I sat there, the worse it got, so by the time we finished eating I was ready to fix the problem. I stepped out the front door and around the sidewall of the little entryway to pick it, and since no one was driving through the parking lot I figured I was safe but didn’t want anyone sneaking up so I kept my back to the wall. Big. Mistake.
I was digging, hand down the back of my pants, yanking out the offending cloth when one of my friends walked around the corner and immediately started laughing at me and pointing. It took me a second to figure out she wasn’t laughing at me, but the poor family having breakfast behind the plate glass window that was looking at me in horror. In fact, the whole front of the restaurant is like a giant window…
43. The Submariner
When I was in the Navy, about halfway through my six-hour watch I had to poo, but I didn’t want to wake someone up to stand my watch while I went. So, I held it in like a boss, for three hours, until my relief came. By that time, I had to go so bad I was almost puking. But since I was stationed on a submarine, I wasn’t running to a normal bathroom, I had to open this watertight hatch about two feet off the ground.
I somehow manage to un-do the heavy mechanism and lift one leg through—and my colon unloads with a fury unmatched. The charge is running out of my boxers, out through the leg of my coveralls, onto the deck, and rolling a few inches to the horrified gaze of the rest of my watch team standing behind me. Through the strange mixture of embarrassment, shame, and nausea from having to poop so bad, I can’t manage to say anything except, “Oopsies!”
That was the most embarrassing thing I think I’ve ever had to endure.
44. The Men’s Bush
I studied abroad in Germany. Now a nice thing about Germany is that you can drink outside, and nobody cares. So, when I first arrived all fresh-faced and stupid, and my German friends invited me to go drinking at a festival on the river, well, I went. So, as things often go, when you’ve been drinking for a while, you need to pee. And I am no exception to the rule.
Yet somehow, and this is really beyond me, there was no provision for this basic human need at this big festival. So I decided I’d just go in a bush or something. Granted, I was wearing pretty tight jeans, and when you’re a girl, that means that peeing outside is sort of challenging, but hey, I had to go. So, I go behind my bush, ducking from the well-lit street fair to the pitch blackness of the park.
I perform what is just a spectacular acrobatic maneuver, pants around ankles, bracing myself on two different trees to avoid peeing on my pants. I heave this big enormous sigh of satisfaction as I begin struggling my way back into said pants. My night vision slowly creeps back and I see a terrible sight. I am not alone. There are at least 20 people peeing here and what is worse, this seems to be the men’s bush. Exclusively. 20 men, dongs in hand, just a-staring.
45. Establishing Authority
When I used to deliver the paper in the mornings there was a dog who would always growl at me and it scared me every single morning. I then came to the conclusion that I needed to establish authority. So, one morning I saw the dog and as soon as it started growling, I snapped my fingers and said something like, “You better shut the heck up before I smack you with this newspaper.”
I hadn’t seen the owner sitting on the porch sipping her coffee. She looked at me shocked, I had always been a sweet 13-year-old boy when I went over to do my collections every week.
46. A Blissful Flight
I will never forget this…ever. I was on a long flight a couple of years ago. I ended up falling asleep for something like six hours. Upon waking up, I decided to just keep lying down with my eyes closed and relaxing. However, due to my extremely dreamy state, I believed I had just woken up alone, in my room as usual. And what do I do when I wake up alone? I pass gas. A lot.
I started to just let them rip, one after the other. And not quiet ones… these were loud and deadly. After a few minutes of nonstop action, I open my eyes. The old lady next to me is freaking staring at me, along with half of the other passengers on the plane. The whole place smells foul. I was so ridiculously embarrassed that I just closed my eyes and pretended to sleep for the rest of the flight.
47. The Cheesecake
When my husband and I were newly married, we lived in my sister’s basement. We had our own fridge in the basement but no kitchen. We had this red velvet cheesecake in the fridge and I really wanted some, but I didn’t feel like going upstairs to get a plate and fork. So, I waited until my husband was in the shower, went to the fridge, picked up the cheesecake by the cardboard bottom and sank my teeth into it.
It was so good it took me a full three bites before I realized my husband was standing there just watching me. He had come to grab a towel and saw the whole thing. I was mortified. He was disgusted but entertained. He now tells that story every time we meet new people.
48. David Schwimmer
Long ago, I lived in a big house with several people. Everyone was in their rooms and I was alone in the living room. I am flicking through the TV and I land on an episode of Friends. Joey and Monica are talking and then Ross walks in. For some unexplainable reason I just glared at the TV with a venomous look and with a growling sort of whisper I said, “SCHWIMMER.”
At some point, my boyfriend had come out of his room and was behind me and just busted out laughing at me. I was so embarrassed because I had no explanation for it. I have nothing against David Schwimmer, and I have no idea why I said that, but to this day when I think of Friends, I think about that story.
49. Theatre Theatrics
I used to work at a movie theater. It had been slow all night and the lobby was now empty. As I closed up, I had my back turned to the lobby and while I was wiping down the popper, I started singing poker face by Lady Gaga. Except it was Cartman’s version, so just as I finished the song in my best Cartman voice, I heard the distinct sound of a bucket hitting the counter. I turned around to find a customer doing his best to stifle a laugh. I have no idea how long he had been standing there.
Another time, I was cleaning during a screening of Beverly Hills Chihuahua and during the credits they played this song that kept repeating “Chihuahua!” I sang along and anytime it said “Chihuahua!” I shook my butt. Then I realized the manager had come in to help me clean the theater. I was incredibly embarrassed, but I caught him going down the stairs whoop whooping like Zoidberg one time so I suppose we’re even.
50. The Paraphernalia
When I was about 15, I printed out some adult stories I found online and proceeded to hide them under my brother’s old bed as he had moved out. I thought they would never get found and if they were, my parents would think they were his. Unfortunately, I was wrong. My mum decided to clear out his old room and she found them.
The one thing I had forgotten was they had the date I had printed them out on them, and it was after my brother had moved out. My mum flipped out at me and to make matters worse they were bondage stories. I was mortified and couldn’t look at my mum for weeks, and my stepdad tried to comfort me telling me it was ok and it happens to lots of people. Oh yeah, also I’m a girl.
51. Female Trouble
When I was a little kid, I used to go to the ladies’ washroom in my school. They were much cleaner than the boys’ bathrooms and I hate going to the bathroom outside of the stalls, so I figured why not? But one day, I saw the toilet water was filled with blood and ever since that moment, I stopped using the ladies’ washroom.
52. Getting Nosy
I was waiting for an online interview to begin for an internship program that I had applied for. While the interviewer was away, I suddenly remembered that I still had my septum piercing on. Naturally, thinking that it might look unprofessional, I started trying to push it inside my nose before anyone could notice.
As I was adjusting the now hidden piercing, the interviewer came back online and saw me basically appearing to pick my nose like an idiot. We had an awful five seconds of silence before she decided to proceed with the interview as if nothing had happened. I got the internship and now have to avoid her around the company because she always seems to remember and look at me funny.
53. The Fugitive
While I was visiting my girlfriend’s family’s home one summer during college, I had to use the bathroom. I had been there a couple of days and had to go “el numero dos.” So I went, it was huge, and it clogged the toilet horribly. Now, this was no ordinary bathroom, either: It’s a makeshift bathroom in the basement that’s half-finished.
Panicking, I looked around to find a plunger. There wasn’t one. So, I found a sort of barbecue knife thing, and I tried to stab and cut the poop up, didn’t work. It smelled so horrible, you could smell it up to the kitchen. Freaking out at this point, I asked my girlfriend what to do. Her response was somehow more embarrassing.
She was crying laughing at me, and then told me to just go home—a three-hour drive—and flee the scene. Thing is, I actually did it. I got my stuff, headed home, and never ever spoke about it again. Her dad apparently had to try and fix it over the course of three full days. I NEVER EVER will go poop at that house EVER again.
54. Eye on the “Prize”
I was on vacation somewhere in Spain. I was religiously working out back then, so I even got a contract for this local gym for this one month. While there, I met this local girl who only spoke Spanish. First, we only did small talk, then we went on some dates. First going to the pool with her brothers, later going out alone.
I really liked her, but I didn’t dare to talk much, since my Spanish was…poor. I figured we were just friends. We were out on a date, playing pool, when suddenly she puts some egg-shaped plastic container into my hand. It looks like one of those containers that contain small prizes you get from those carnival machines.
So we were there playing pool, and she pushes this plastic egg container into my hand. I smile and say something like “muchas gracias” and pocket the egg, preparing for my next shot. She shakes her head in protest. She gestures at my pocket. She also says something—well, a lot—in Spanish. Mostly, I understand “No.” I’m lost. When I figured out what she meant, I went red.
Finally, she loses her patience, facepalms, and shoves her hand down my pocket, where I put the egg. Pulls it out. Opens it. It contains a condom. I finally understand. I’m such an idiot.
55. The Great Outdoors
Back when I was still living with my mom, she once had one of her friends come up for the week with her son. There wasn’t enough room in the house for them to stay inside, so they decided to camp out in the backyard. Now, I was working in construction at the time, and had to get up pretty early to get ready.
One morning, while I was putting my lunch together, I looked out the kitchen window to see my mom’s friend squatting over a plastic bag, taking a poop into it right there out in the open. It was without a doubt one of the most disgusting things that I’ve ever seen. Then, she proceeded to walk inside the house with her bag of fresh poop to get rid of it.
She stopped dead in her tracks with a look of horror on her face when she realized that I was up and watching the whole thing. To this day, there’s one thing I can’t understand: if her plan was to come inside to get rid of it anyway, then why couldn’t she just walk inside and use the fully functional toilet in the first place? You know, to just cut out the whole squatting over a plastic bag in the middle of a field bit…
56. Blame it on the Banana
So, I used to find passing gas in front of anybody horribly embarrassing. When I was pregnant, I had the worst smelling gas known to man. Like, sometimes it would make my husband gag. Which is saying something because his job is literally cleaning up human poop all day. One day, my friend walked into my house 30 seconds after I had let loose a big one. If I wasn’t so embarrassed at the time, I would have found his immediate look of disgust hilarious.
Him: “What even is that!?” Me: flustered and looking for anything to blame it on, sees an old banana peel in the bin “Oh, umm, must be that banana rotting in the bin.” In comes my husband: “Oh God, you’ve let it rip again! Hahaha.” Now, five years later, if someone smells a toot, there must be a rotten banana around.
57. Siri, Let the Earth Swallow Me
I got my first iPhone about seven or eight years ago, and it was the first to have Siri. I was listening to a lot of hip hop at the time, and the phrase I chose to say to Siri was “I love it when you call me Big Papa” like the Notorious BIG song. Siri asked me if I wanted her to call me Big Papa. Why the heck not, I thought.
So this event totally left my memory until about two years later, when iI was looking for an email I had sent from my phone. I found it, and was horrified to learn that it had been signed off from “Big Papa.” Everything I had sent from my phone in those two years, including job-related emails and even applications, had been signed off from “Big Papa.”
58. Get Your Head in the Game
This is one of the cringiest stories from my past. It was probably the most embarrassed I have ever been. Back when I was in high school, I went out with a girl I had a huge crush on. We went to the zoo and then grabbed some food. It was great and I had an amazing time, but we had to split up in order to get our trains that were going in opposite directions.
As we said goodbye, I awkwardly tried to lean in for a kiss while she went in to hug me. I ended up head-butting her in the face and her nose started bleeding. I was so embarrassed that I asked, “Are you okay” and when she said, “I think so,” I just waved goodbye and ran into the train station. I avoided her for weeks after and never went on a date with her again.
59. Caught With Your Pants Down
In physical education at school, we had to do this thing where you lie on your back with your legs in the air. You then move your legs in a pedaling motion. I was chosen for a demonstration. This turned into an utter disaster. I was wearing boxer shorts, and imagine how embarrassed 12-year-old me felt when some of my junk popped out to say hello.
As discretely as I could, with about 30 people watching, I tucked it away. When it was mentioned afterward, I just denied that it had happened. Denied it repeatedly in the hope that everybody present might just decide they were mistaken about what they believed they saw. I don’t think it worked in the slightest.
60. We’ve Got Ourselves a Situation
The other day, I took a poop in a shared office bathroom, not knowing that the toilet was out of order. I chose this bathroom because it has a window that you can open. Upon flushing, the toilet wouldn’t flush. Okay, I think to myself, we got ourselves a situation. This bathroom was right off of the break room, and there were quite a few people who saw me go into it.
I was in there for long enough that it was clear to anyone paying attention that I was probably pooping. After a few flushes and waiting, my heart rate up at this point, most of it went down. But there was a stubborn piece that broke off and would not go down. Waiting and waiting and waiting. Finally, I had to come to a decision.
Do I take the poop and throw it in the garbage? Do I wrap it in toilet paper hoping nobody notices? Do I take the toilet paper wrapped doodoo and take it to the other bathroom and flush it? Do I throw it out the window? I took a wad of TP, fished the poop out of the toilet, wrapped it in more toilet paper, and I started to put it in the garbage… But then a little voice in my head told me, no. Under no circumstances are you throwing your own poop in the garbage can at work. This is your place of employment. You are respected here. You’ll never sleep at night again if you do this. So I then took the poop and shoved it down the toilet as far as I could. I couldn’t see it anymore.
I went to wash my hands in scalding hot water. More people can be heard in the break room. At this point, I must let go, and let God take over the entire sordid situation. I went back to my desk, praying to God that no one suspected anything, and that the poop didn’t just flow back. A few minutes later when the coast was clear, I checked.
The poop was gone. Panic attack over. It was kind of hard to accept the fact that I had stood there holding my own poop, in my work clothes and everything.
61. Free Show
High school. Wanted to have some fun after Winter Ball. Drove my date to a secluded area to have some fun in the car. After a few minutes, I see something outside the window moving. Windows were kind of steamy, can’t see much, so I ignore it. After a few more minutes, I couldn’t ignore it any longer so I got closer for a better look. It was a freaking bum with his pants around his ankles and his junk in his hand.
I scream, my date screams, and we had to get out of there as fast as we could. Fun was now over.
62. The Singers
Yesterday I was about to walk around the corner of my apartment building to go through the alley to the parking lot. No one was around and for some reason, Paula Cole’s “I Don’t Want to Wait” popped into my head. I’m a pretty good singer and I’m good at funny voices, so I belted out, “I DONT WANNA WAIT!!” in this goofy tone as I turned the corner. The moment I’ve completed my turn of the corner I’m face to face with some dude who simultaneously turned the same corner in the opposite direction.
Now, I know he heard me. We’re face to face, about eight inches of tense, awkward air separating us as we stare at each other right in the eyes, his dumbfounded bemusement counterbalancing my quickly escalating panic attack. I didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to do. We held this pose for about five seconds and then, never looking away for an instant, I sang in a decrescendo, “For our lives to be over.” I don’t know why I did that, but it had no effect on this guy.
So, I just walked around him and shuffled down the alley, already trying to suppress the memory of the awkward moment. I looked over my shoulder and saw he hadn’t moved but was looking at me as well. I still don’t know if this was in my head or not, but I swear as I walked away, I heard the faintest singing voice, “I want to know right now what will it be?”
When I looked back, he was gone. I haven’t seen him since.
63. Just Like the Old Movies
I was walking down this street by my house when I caught a really great smell. I looked around and pinpointed where the aroma was coming from. About two houses down, this lady was setting a pie out on her windowsill. I had to have it. I thought, I’ve seen this go down in old-time movies, the lady leaves the pie out, they cut to a guy walking down the street, I snatch the pie and make a run for it.
I walked right up and grabbed it, then realized I’d made a huge mistake. This thing was red hot. I panicked and dropped it down at my feet. I didn’t know what to do, so I took off my shirt and used it as a potholder and picked it up. My plan was going all wrong and I wanted a quick getaway. Instead, here I was still standing at this lady’s window, shirtless. “Hey!” I heard her scream at me, “What are you doing? Give me that pie!”
And so, I freaked out and ran like three blocks, still no shirt on, holding this pie in my hands. I had no idea where to go, but eventually ended up in a random park. I’m thinking about my life choices when I hear, “That’s him officer! And that’s my pie!” I didn’t know what to do. I panicked. I went to pick up the pie to hand it back to her, but I forgot how hot the pie was, so when I picked it up, I screamed, “Yow!” and I threw the pie to the ground, destroying it. I looked back up at the lady, I couldn’t think of anything to say, and I just ran away.
64. Tyrannosaurus Roar
A few years back, I was trying to get with this girl. She was way out of my league, 9/10, but she was a friend’s sister and was pretty into me. So, I invited her, her sister, and a few of her friends over for a party. Things were going great until a dude and his girlfriend wound up passing out in my bed. I was bummed to say the least, but the girl snuck into my room and stole my comforter and pillows from them and was like, “Let’s just sleep on the floor in the living room.” SCORE!
Things were awesome as everyone else filtered into the other bedrooms or went home. We made out all night, but that was about it. We eventually passed out spooning. The next morning, I heard her leave, and almost immediately after the door shut, I let out one of the single biggest toots I have ever let fly in my 27 years of existence. I’m talking about one of those ones that leaps out of your butt with a tyrannosaurus roar. If you would’ve had a slow-motion camera pointed at my butt you could’ve seen the shockwave.
Little did I know that the object of my affection was still lying next to me and wide awake. She hadn’t left. It was her sister, whose voice was almost identical. My date awkwardly left, and then later that day, her sister called me to ask if I had pooped myself. I was mortified. And, needless to say, things didn’t go too well between us after that morning.
65. Gone for Six
When I was 16, my mates and I were playing cricket. I was waiting for my turn to bowl when my mate hit a ball harder than I’d ever seen. The hard cricket ball was heading for me at an incredible speed and all I could think of to evade the ball was to do a weird kind of star jump. Unfortunately, this technique failed dismally and instead of missing the ball, I had perfectly positioned my genitals directly in front of the ball’s trajectory.
The ball cannoned into my love spuds at an incredible rate. The first sensation was an intense stinging feeling, like a hornet had stung my knob. This quickly gave way to the most intense nausea I have ever experienced. I projectile vomited everywhere, all the while screaming. While this was going on, I remember my friend saying in a panicked voice, “WHAT HAVE I DONE, he’s never going to be able to have kids!”
At some point, one of my mates called an ambulance and it arrived fairly soon after. To add to an already fairly humiliating situation, there was a very pretty 18-year-old girl who was riding around with the ambulance for work experience. I have a clear memory of her shriveling up her face as the EMT examined my swollen member. But then it got even worse.
I went to the hospital, where, after examining me, a female doctor instructed me to pleasure myself as soon as possible and to inform my parents if there were any difficulties or “unusual discharge.” Mortifying.
66. Heavy Flow
I was in sixth grade with a super heavy irregular period. One day, I was sitting in the front of the classroom, just doing my thing, when a friend of mine came up and whispered to me that I had bled through. That was putting it lightly. My entire bum was drenched in blood. It looked like my nether-regions had murdered something and was vomiting up the remains. I have no idea how I didn’t notice it.
I tied my sweater around my waist, walked to the nurse’s office, got a non-blood-soaked pair of pants. And then I had to walk back to a class, in a pair of pants that were not my own, and clean the puddle of blood off of my chair. All in front of a classroom of my sixth-grade peers, most of whom probably didn’t know what a period was. Thank god I moved less than a year later.
67. An Adventure in Target
I was in Target at closing time. I was around the food section browsing their fruit snacks—Gushers, Fruit Rollups, etc. It was the back corner of the store so it was relatively isolated and uninhabited. I feel a gurgle in my large intestine and an all-too-familiar pressure on my sphincter. Seeing as I had gorged myself with Taco Bell earlier, I wasn’t surprised. So I snuck away and prepared to pass gas privately.
Nope. The sound was unearthly, like a wet sheet being torn in half. It was a toot that lasted almost five full seconds. It was so loud and so satisfying that I felt truly out of breath. The smell was from that of Hades’ depths, of rotting corpses with a hint of eggs and broccoli. As I left the aisle, I see a little old Chinese lady with a basket full of groceries. She was still, bundled up in a big parka jacket and snow boots, with one gloved hand up to her face, plugging her nose.
Her eyes squinted at me with such disdain that even serial offenders would feel remorse. I awkwardly said “hi” and ran out.
68. Jimi Rocks
When I was 14, my parents went out for the night and left me at home. I was really into Jimi Hendrix at the time, so I decided to order a cheese pizza and listen to my tunes while I waited for the delivery guy. Before I knew it, I found myself with my Guitar Hero guitar around my neck and a tie-dyed bandana on my forehead like Jimi at Woodstock.
At some point after the solo in that song, I managed to open my eyes and I had the life scared out of me by some really tall guy with long metalhead hair and a giant beer gut in my bedroom rocking out with his eyes closed. I actually screamed like a girl when I saw him. I then noticed the pizza box that he had set down on top of my dresser and managed to stop screaming. He said that he kept ringing the doorbell but I never came down to open the door so he let himself in.
He figured that I was rocking out because I had my music so loud so he came upstairs to give me my pizza but didn’t want to interrupt my jamming so he put the pizza down for a minute and started jamming along with me. The guy started rocking out with me when he saw that I was in the zone and said that he didn’t mean to scare me. We both laughed about it and I paid for my pizza before walking downstairs with the guy. Before he walked out the door he said “Jimi freaking rocks, doesn’t he?” I could only say, “Yeah, Jimi rocks.”
69. The Snot Tent
Seventh-grade Spanish test. It’s all quiet in the room. I’m a long-haired, greasy, socially awkward geek. I feel a sneeze coming on but decide to hold it back so as to not draw attention to myself. I try, but cannot contain the sneeze inside. It takes the path of least resistance out of my body—my completely stuffed-up nose. The sound is incredible.
The snot tent is amazing. A fully formed spider web of snot between my desk and my face. The classroom turns to look at me and sit in stunned silence. After about 10 seconds, the girl in front of me (the hottest seventh-grader in school) says loudly, “That’s gross!” Everyone laughs. I try to disappear.
70. A Nice Dinner Photo
I got my wife an early birthday gift; a smartphone, the first one ever for her. But when her actual birthday rolls around, since I’d already given her her big gift, I decide to give her another kind of treat. I sensualized myself up. Oil all over me, a tie and some shirt cuffs, no other clothing (I was going for a Chippendales dancer look). I call her back, and she is rolling in this—just loves it. Takes a picture with her new phone.
The plot thickens; we go fishing, catch a few, head home, and filet and cook the fish. It truly looks like a gourmet meal. Wife takes a picture of the fish with the phone, but before she goes to bed, she uploads it to show off our nice day together. Except she accidentally uploads my Chippendales photo, thinking it was the prepared fish filets. She titles it, “Dinner Yum!!!”
We deleted it on the computer, but not before it got two comments..from her mom and sister.
71. Dickered It
When I was a freshman in high school, my best friend’s mom was driving me, my best friend, and another friend home from a dance recital that my best friend was in. We were playing some game involving Disney songs, it was late, and Mary Poppins got brought up. I say, because I’m very tired, “Oh I loved Dick Cheney in that movie!”
Understandably, they make fun of me, and being the headstrong young freshman I was, I was determined to clear my name, because of COURSE I only made that mistake because I was tired. So, I proceeded to say “Look, I just get my Dicks confused after midnight.” My best friend’s mom almost swerved off the road because she was laughing too hard.
Still won’t let me live it down, and now anytime they bring up anything involving Dick Cheney OR Dick Van Dyke I have to legitimately stop and think about which name I’m saying because the swap is so ingrained in my head now.
72. Did I Do That?
When I was writing the SAT, I finished a section early, and because it was an early morning test, I decided to take a quick 15-minute nap before the next section. While semi-asleep, I tooted and startled myself awake in a silent classroom, surrounded by 20 kids from my school. Looks of shock and terror, as well as muffled laughter, quickly filled the room. There was still over an hour to go in the test.
73. The Lake Turned Brown
My husband and I were invited out on the lake on a friend’s boat. Since we were headed out there about noon, we stopped at Whataburger and got a patty melt. Well, about two hours after eating, I got the stomach cramps. I explained to my friends that they needed to take me to the marina so I could use the ladies’ room, and they obliged.
Upon completion, I get back into the boat and we go back into the middle of the lake. About 20 minutes later, I start getting the stomach cramps again, and they refused to take me back to the marina. We all knew what needed to happen—but that didn’t make it any less horrifying. I had was to hang off the ladder and just let it go into the lake. Everyone was on the boat but me and then we drove off to a new location, but they still give me guff about it today.
BUT I DIDN’T HAVE A CHOICE!
74. Bright Idea
For a period of almost a year when I was around 20 and living alone, I forgot how fridge lights worked. One day, I was getting something from the top shelf of the fridge and noticed how warm the bulb was. It was a new apartment, and my fridge there didn’t have a cover on the light; it was just a bare bulb. I reacted in the dumbest way possible.
My first thought was, “Oh my God, how can my food stay cold next to this?!” From then on, I was very careful of how I put food in, always keeping the area near the light free of food. I’d awkwardly stack stuff on the sides of the fridge so that the space on the shelf below the bulb (the “warm spot”) was clear.
About eight-nine months later, I was moving things around in the fridge and accidentally hit the door sensor switch. The light turned off. That’s when I remembered how fridges actually work, and that the bulb isn’t’ just warming up my food all the time when the door is closed. Thankfully, no one knew about it. Until now, I guess.
75. Does This Impress You?
My freshman year of college, I went to a pre-Halloween-party hangout at a friend from high school’s apartment. He was a junior, and the first friend I ever had with his own place. I also had an enormous, elementary school-style crush on him. I would like to reiterate that this was a pregame, and we were planning on going to an actual party soon.
Not knowing my limits, I immediately drank a bottle of something, took several shots, and ate a bunch of Halloween candy. I was rolling around on the floor in a short skirt, completely unable to be a person. Meanwhile, another freshman was throwing up in the bathroom. At this point, I am laying across several people who are sitting on the couch, and I suddenly realize I have to throw up, too.
I run to the bathroom, but I don’t make it. By the way, where I’m standing in the hallway, I am completely visible from the living room. I lean back, and proceed to projectile vomit all over the kid who was already laying on the bathroom floor. Suddenly, I lose control of my bladder. I am now peeing on the floor, and still vomiting all over my poor classmate’s pants.
I cleaned it up, and went back to the party. I am now dating the person whose apartment it was. I want to add that I was dressed as Velma from Scooby-Doo.
76. Kiss and Tell
Back when I was young and before YouTube, I looked up “How to Kiss” on the Internet. It was a Yahoo answers page that usually came up. There wasn’t much useful information, it was all “just do what comes naturally,” but the idea of kissing was unnatural to me at the time. When I finally came to my first kiss…I screwed it up so bad.
I spent so much time trying to process everything I had read and put it into my mouth and tongue that I sort of just became completely and utterly frozen for the entire time. She was trying to do something fun and I was just “WHERE DOES MY MOUTH GO IF SHE GOES LEFT HELP ME INTERNET” But the Internet couldn’t help.
77. This Thing’s Got Legs
I grew up in a landlocked state, and my brother had seafood allergies, so my family pretty much never ate seafood. I didn’t find out that shrimp have legs until I was 18. I was totally astonished. I really thought shrimp just sort of…shrimped along the bottom of the sea.
78. Riding a Low
One day at school, I accidentally jumped into a random person’s car thinking it was my friend’s. Absolutely terrified a mother and her son. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I then quickly got out and watched them speed off, and I never felt my face heat up so fast. To make it worse, the son ran up to me a week later and chatted away while I was too embarrassed to say anything return.
79. Here’s the Scoop
When I was about four years old, I liked to be naked a lot in my house. I don’t know why, but I had an ice cream scooper, the kind with a wire on it, and for some reason, I had it around my “private area.” I was pushing the trigger on it, and my junk got caught into it. I was screaming, and it wouldn’t come off.
Apparently, I had also recently watched the movie Independence Day. Remember that scene where the alien has a hold of that guy and he keeps saying “Releeeeaaaassseee meeeeeeeee”? I kept saying that over and over again in the same tone. My mom finally saw and helped get it off. My parents tell this story all the time, and I still get anxiety whenever I see an ice cream scooper. My wife also bought me one for my birthday as a joke.
80. An Act of God
Growing up in a very religious household, we would participate in nearly everything the church offered or planned. Every single year, we would go to this training thing in Little Rock, Arkansas, where we would stay at a VERY nice hotel for three days while competing in various events like chorus, puppets, Bible quiz, etc.
The last year I participated was my senior year of high school, and I was 18 years old. March Madness has just begun and my family went to a sports bar for dinner to watch the first round of playoffs. When we got back, my parents and sister went to the ballroom for a worship service while me and my brother stayed in the room.
He was sitting on the sectional couch with his head toward the extended end, playing on his phone. I was rolling around the room in the office chair that was in there, also playing on my phone. I felt the urge to toot, so naturally I roll to where my brother is laying down and kick my legs up so as to go directly into his face.
In the process of kicking my legs up, I accidentally let it go. I think to myself, “Darn it. Maybe I have another one ready.” Now I’m sitting in the chair while my butt is hanging off the end, holding my legs in the air, butt aimed at my brother’s face. I pushed and a nice loud slap comes out. “Nice,” I think as I put my legs down.
As soon as my feet hit the floor, I feel a distinctly warm, wet feeling in my lower region. I jump up while exclaiming “Ipoopedmypants!” My brother looks up at me running to the bathroom and asks what the heck I just said. “I JUST POOPED MY PANTS” I yell while sitting on the toilet and let the rest go. I hear him hit the ground and screech with laughter.
Now, as anyone who has pooped their pants before can tell you, you have to inspect the damage. So I kick off my shorts and boxers and hold them up to check it out, while my brother calls my mom to help us out of this situation. However, he’s laughing so hard that through the phone it sounds like he’s crying and all my mom can understand is “help” through what she assumes is tears.
She naturally immediately sends my dad up to the room. Meanwhile, I’m in the bathroom trying to figure out if I’m holding my underwear inside out, because there’s poop on both the inside and the out. “Ok those are done,” I think, and I throw them away and move to the shorts. But it was the same thing there; they’re done for.
My dad has now entered the room and asks my brother what’s happening, while he’s still on the ground in tears laughing because I’ve been giving him updates on how bad the poop stains are. Once he gets the story, he calls my mom and tells her to calm down and nobody is hurt, their sons are just idiots. But it got so much worse.
I finally finish in the bathroom and finish up, having my dad bring me undergarments. I go to flush the toilet and…nothing happens. I try again, and the water rises to the top of the bowl, where it stops moving. I let my dad know and he calls the front desk, who sends a maintenance guy to unclog it. The poor sap shows up to fix the toilet with nothing but a plunger.
He walks in the bathroom, comes out 30 seconds later, and says “I’ll be right back.” He comes back a minute later with what looks like a roto rooter to cram my poop down this toilet. He works for about 15 minutes before the pile is gone and my dad gives him a hefty tip before he leaves. I then spend the next 30 minutes attempting to explain what happened to my parents.
81. No Joking Matter
This one has haunted me for years...It was the first week of tenth grade, and I was new at my high school. My other new kid friends and I sat down at a table in the cafeteria, and another new girl sat down with us. She was in a wheelchair. So, I expected her to be really timid and introverted, but she was actually sarcastic and funny, introducing herself and making jokes about being in a wheelchair.
Her: “I’m trying out for field hockey!” Me: “Wait, really?” Her: “Hahaha no you idiot, I’m in a wheelchair.” Eventually one of my friends boldly asks her about how she ended up in a wheelchair. She says it was cancer. My friend asks which kind. She responds, “Leukemia, have you heard of it?” Now, bear in mind, she was funny. She really was. And come on, who hasn’t heard of leukemia? So, my gut reaction to her response was that it must be a joke. I mean, everyone’s heard of leukemia!
It was too late. I burst out laughing. I immediately realized what had happened and tried to cover it up by gasping. It only made it worse. Everyone at the table glared at me. I spent the rest of lunch in absolute silence, and I never spoke to her again.
82. The Green Goblin
In first grade, my entire school had to go to some assembly where the actors sang and danced to try to get the students to learn “the fun way.” Now, what makes this interesting was that I was watching some Spiderman cartoons the night before. During the assembly, one of the actresses asks the audience, “Who sailed the ocean blue in 1492?” She calls on me and I blurted out the first name I thought of: “Norman Virgil Osbourne!” …AKA the Green Goblin. I said this quite confidently, by the way.
The whole auditorium became deathly silent at this point. The actress had this look of pity on her face for a good five seconds before she said, “No, that’s not… right.” I’m in college now, and although I think absolutely NO ONE remembers it, I will forever.
83. Dragged Along
I was 13, and my family and I were on a skiing holiday. My parents had decided to sign me up for lessons, so that my dad could get some good skiing in and my mum and sister could relax and drink hot chocolate. I had been throwing myself down mountain slopes with about as much grace as a brick, and I was exhausted. We had time for one more run, so we all waddled over to the T bar machine.
Somehow, my jacket got caught on the bar, which knocked me to the ground. Somehow, this is not the embarrassing part… It then dragged me along the snow toward some rough ice that managed to pull down my ski pants, thermals, and underwear, exposing my bare bum to an entire slope of people. When I finally got help, I cried the entire way down.
The real kicker was getting back, telling my family this story (while still sobbing through wounded butt and wounded pride) and having my dad and sister howl with laughter while my mum desperately tried to comfort me.
84. Career Ender
When I was 13, a doctor wrote me an adult dose for a certain medicine based on my weight. I was a fat kid, but it was the wrong dose and the medicine ended up constipating me…for a month. I did not poop for a whole month. I got sick. I had raccoon-like eyes, my stomach would jump or flutter by itself, I had cramps, etc. It was bad. I was miserable.
I finally told my parents how long it had been since I had gone number two and they freaked out and took me to the hospital. There, they gave me three enemas back to back. After the third one, the water softened all that hard poop just enough that I could expel it. I ran to the nearest bathroom, gown open in the back, and tried to make it to the toilet. I didn’t.
My butt was hovering at a 45-degree angle above the toilet when the geyser burst. This next part is not a lie, but I know some of you will think it is. I got poo everywhere. On the ceiling (somehow), on the floor, the toilet was covered, the walls, even the sink got hit with some spray. Poo was literally, yes literally, sprayed on all walls and the ceiling. It was everywhere.
I felt like a new kid after that. Cleaned myself up the best I could, and then had to figure out what to do. There was no way I could clean it all up, I needed a janitor. So, I walked out and politely told a nurse the bathroom needed a clean-up badly.
A janitor was only a few rooms down for some reason, so I saw him go by to clean it, but he did not know who I was. He got to the bathroom and the whole ER heard, “Oh heck no, I am not cleaning this up. I quit” and he did. I felt so bad, still do. I made some poor janitor quit his job over a poo-caked bathroom.
85. Improv Cussing
It was a Friday and I didn’t have school. I was sleeping in and my dad works at home. I hear him come out of the office and he begins to profusely scream, swearing at the top of his lungs while alternating between profanities. I was very concerned but decided it was better if I stayed in my room. I heard him walk back into his home office and continue to swear by his computer. There was a pause for about 10 seconds and then he began to swear in a New York accent. Then he switches to a Jamaican accent.
Amid this weird soundtrack, I fell back asleep, woke up at 10 am and headed to the kitchen. When my dad realized I was home, his reaction was priceless. He was HORRIFIED.
86. The Audition
I was a big theater geek in high school. So when my mother found an audition for a Renaissance fair, she insisted that I audition. Flash forward… she tells me auditions are in costume so she bought me a really cheap, bad costume from a random website. The audition was at a really waspy country club. So, I show up in my awful costume and I immediately want to die.
I enter the country club and I have no idea where the audition is. There’s a ton of people in there and they are staring at me and laughing like I’m a joke. I am literally almost in tears. Finally, I ask a worker/server because I have no freaking idea where the auditions are. He gives me directions that make no sense, so I wander this place for what feels like forever until I find the room.
I enter, and the panel looks at me, repressing their laughter. I want to die at this point. They say I am “definitely looking the part/prepared for the audition.”
87. Loud Laundry
While I was in grad school, I lived in a basement apartment of a pretty big building. Right next door to me was the laundry room. Normally it wasn’t a problem, but this one washer decided it was going to be particularly loud. I was studying for finals and trying to concentrate, so all the noise was just a nightmare and I couldn’t get anything done.
In a moment of exasperation, I ran out into the hallway in my boxers and a t-shirt and into the laundry room. I lunged at the offending machine, shook it violently and screamed at it, “Shut up you darn washer, don’t you know I have finals this week?!” I talked at it like a psychotic person, “I control whether you live or die. Can’t get anything done. Don’t make me hurt you.”
And then I turned around. There was this beautiful woman who lived in my apartment building standing there, staring at me, petrified. She just held her detergent and roll of quarters quietly, eyes bulging. She nodded politely when I stammered about how, “I’m studying for finals… uh, it was being loud.” About a week later I walked by that woman and her friend and I heard her whisper, “Oh my god, it’s that guy. The guy from the laundry room I told you about.”
88. The Elevator
I was working on a project at work one day and ended up staying really late. I ordered some Indian food and whatnot so I could get out as soon as possible. Normally my building clears out around 5:30-6:00 pm, and I was there till about 10 pm on this one particular evening. On my way out, I jumped into the 14th-floor elevator (slowest elevator in the world) and it started to descend. Thinking I was the only one who could possibly be in this building at this time, and I ripped a big nasty Indian food toot.
Just as I finished, the elevator stopped and three models from the modeling agency on the 13th floor got in. I started to panic since the smell had not risen to nose level yet and almost just got off on their floor, but they were obviously the last ones out of their office, so that was just kind of awkward. As the door shuts and we start to descend, I’m staring down at my phone and just waiting for the inevitable.
The girls were giggling and talking about what they were going to do for the weekend and then all of a sudden, silence. At this point, I was wildly laughing in my head, and wanting to curl up and hide all at the same time. I was staring down at my phone hunching, hoping that they wouldn’t be able to see my face, while we made the trip down the next 12 floors which seemed like hours.
89. Double Trouble
I went out to eat with my family once. After we were seated, I glanced at the table next to me and noticed some girl staring at me. I thought it was weird, but continued chatting with my family. I looked over again and she was still staring! After checking a third time, I noticed she was giving me a nasty mug.
I finally stood up to say something, and quickly realized it was a mirror…I was about to have an argument with my reflection.
90. Pin-up Girl
A pretty girl at work arrived one day with a little brass kitten pin, pinned to her chest. Of course, your eyes are attracted to this little piece of glitter, then you get caught looking at her breasts, and as a defensive move you say “nice pin,” as if to say “I was totally not looking at your breasts, honest, I was looking at the pin.”
So this happened to her five or six times before lunch, and at lunch, after yet another person commented on her “nice pin,” she leaned forward to me—we were sitting at the same table—and asked, “What’s with everyone commenting on my pin today?” I decided to fess up and told her the truth. Her response was perfect.
“Ah,” she said, then looked down to my crotch, kept her gaze there for a good two-three seconds, looked back up slowly to my face, and said “nice belt buckle.”
91. I Believe I Can Fly
When I was about six or seven, we had a house fire, and because of this, we had to stay with my parents’ friends for a couple of months. It was tense; my parents were stressed so I was stressed. One day, I got in trouble for playing a Gameboy because my parents thought video games rotted brains or something. I got so mad, I plotted a ridiculous revenge.
I convinced my brother to “suit up” and run away from home. To us, that meant “dress as superheroes.” We had toy superhero tools on our belt and everything, as well as a Ninja costume from a past Halloween. But when we went to leave through the front door, we got scared to go through with everything because my mom was on the couch.
She saw us and burst out laughing. Which only enraged me more. So we decided to jump off the two-story balcony instead of going through the door. I decided to wrap a sheet around my wrists and ankles, thinking it would let me glide like those squirrels. I just decided that we should jump together, but my brother was like, “No, you go first to see if it was safe.”
My dumb self was chill with it, so I jumped down and felt like I was flying…for like, two seconds. And then I hit the driveway on my legs. Sprained my ankles, knees, back, and neck. But I didn’t break a single bone. My brother had to stand in time-out for a couple of days while I rested in bed. My back hurt for two weeks, and I couldn’t walk for the first week. Then my mom took all my toys away and made us stay in our room.
92. The Nose Knows
I met my future wife by almost accidentally breaking her nose. We were at a summer camp, and they had some sort of activity where a large group of us had to walk around in a small space. I suddenly took a sharp turn in that small space, and my shoulder hit her nose. She fell down to the ground, holding her nose and screaming.
I said I was really sorry a few times, and then other people crowded around her. Out of awkwardness, I tried to disappear back into the crowd, which didn’t really work because I was taller than most other people there. Later, she tracked me down and asked if I was the guy who hit her on the nose and then ran away, and somehow that was a good enough first impression to start dating.
93. Midnight Run
I was at a friend’s house for a sleepover, and I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I open the door…and there is his mom shaving her parts “down there” with an electric razor. I stood for what felt like an eternity, but it couldn’t have been more than five or six seconds, simply staring at this and trying to comprehend what was happening.
She said my name really quietly, half as a gasp. Then she flicked the switch off, yet held the flamingo stance over the sink she’d been in when I entered. I said “Uhhhhh” and ran back to my sleeping bag, pulled it over my head, and tried to go to sleep. The next morning, she never left her room and said she was ill. I was never allowed to stay at his place again.
94. Hello, Nurse!
In seventh grade, I was sitting in French class when I got the overwhelming urge to poop. I raised my hand to excuse myself to the bathroom, but as soon as I got in the hallway, my bowels got a mind of their own and I pooped my pants. I then decided the best course of action was to waddle to the nurse’s office and hope she had spare pants.
I burst into the office, and she was in the middle of tending to another kid, who I knew. I started to mumble about needing to use her bathroom…right when the poop fell out of my shorts and down my leg, smearing all the way to the floor. The other kid and I locked eyes before he just burst out laughing. I quickly ran into the nurse’s bathroom.
She handled the situation pretty well and called my mom, and I got to go home for the rest of the day. Luckily, for my middle school dignity, the kid never told anyone about what happened. Thanks, Joey.
95. This Was a Test, and You Failed
When I was in basic training, we all marched to the clinic to take our urinalysis. It was a real hot summer, and because I had lost my driver’s license right before, I had a temporary paper one. They make you put all your identification in a necklace ID holder made of canvas. When I went in, I had sweat so much that all the ink on the temporary driver’s license was illegible.
They wouldn’t let me take the test. Instead, the doctor told me to go to the bathroom and fill up my canteen, then wait outside. Confused and stressed, I peed in my own canteen and waited outside. The rest of my fellow recruits came out while I was still waiting for the doctor to come get my sample. Then my drill sergeant came back out and started marching us back to the dorm.
It being over 100 degrees, he stopped us twice and ordered us all to chug our water. This is when I realized I shouldn’t have peed in my own canteen. I pretended to chug it and just hoped that my drill sergeant wouldn’t notice. Luckily, I got away with it. When I got back to the dorm, I tried to rinse it out. I washed that thing 10+ times, and the smell would never go away.
96. Customer Support
So I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, and I was bleeding particularly heavy one day, but still wanted to go to Michael’s because I had a coupon and it was about to expire. I had a fresh tampon, a pad, and period panties. I thought I was good to go, and I wasn’t going to be there that long. Turns out, I never made a bigger mistake in my life.
I was in the scrapbooking aisle when I felt something on my leg, I looked down, and sure enough blood was trickling down it past my shorts. I was so embarrassed. It had never been this bad before. I didn’t know what to do. Should I run? Where will I run? To my car or the bathroom? But little did I know, the worst was yet to come. I should say here that I look much younger than I am.
As I was preparing what to do next, an older woman who worked there walked by. I wasn’t sure if I should ask her for help, but before I knew it I heard myself saying “Excuse me” in a kind of panicky high-pitched voice. She looked confused, saw the blood…and then congratulated me on becoming a woman. She assured me that it was nothing to be ashamed of and that I should be proud. Uh….thanks?
97. Long in the Tooth
I was standing in line at Wal-Mart, and the guy’s dentures in front of me fell out onto the ground. I didn’t realize what he dropped, so I bent down to get them…and saw it was a full set of teeth. I then decided not to touch them, thinking he wouldn’t want me to because he had to put them back in his mouth. Turns out, that was just the beginning of my nightmare.
Then after standing back up, I felt like that was rude and he might think I didn’t touch them because they are “gross.” So I changed my mind yet again and bent back down to grab them, but as my hand was like three inches away, I thought to myself that he definitely doesn’t want me to touch them, so I stood back up.
The entire time, this guy was standing there watching me bend down and stand up several times. The final time I stood up, he locked eyes, gave me a weird look, then snatched them aggressively and walked away. I still have no idea if I should have grabbed them or not. It was just embarrassing having him watch me be indecisive about his teeth.
98. The Mail Man
I was 16, driving while stoned, with friends in the car. For some reason, the front passenger seat was empty, with two friends sitting in the back (maybe we had dropped someone off—this memory bothers me for its vagueness). Up ahead I saw a hitchhiker so I pulled over to offer a lift. I even went so far as to lean across the seat to roll the window down…before I noted it was a mailbox.
To this day, I’m still close with one of the people who sat in the back and he does not fail to mention it whenever we get together. Funny he can even remember it.
99. Chump Change
About a year or so ago, I was standing in line at the grocery store, waiting to pay for my small grouping of items. The man in front of me is elderly, maybe late 80s or early 90s. He has finished his transaction and is trying to get his wallet out of his pants to pay. Now, this guy’s clothes are about two sizes too big for him, so everything is kind of hanging off of him.
Because of his advanced age and loose clothing, reaching into his back pocket to retrieve said wallet is proving to be extremely difficult. He seems to lack the strength and coordination to both maintain his reach and grab the wallet from the very deep and loose back pocket of his old man pants. This goes on for, without exaggeration, five solid minutes.
Picture a grocery store with lots of people trying to get dinner and whatnot, and everyone is basically on hold while this guy tries and tries to get his wallet out, to no avail. Now, here comes the horror. Old man, WITHOUT A WORD TO ME, points his rear end at me and just looks into my eyes. I realize that HE WANTS ME TO GET HIS WALLET OUT FOR HIM.
The realization hits me and I am frozen. There are like 10 people in line behind me all watching this happen, and who want to get home in time for Jeopardy. I start to do nothing, but then realize that this dude is genuinely looking for help. So, I reach into his back pocket to try and retrieve the wallet as quickly as possible. This is when I realize what the real problem was.
The dude has a Costanza wallet x 10. It’s huge. And heavy. I am trying to get a grip on the thing and I cannot get it past the loose fabric of the deep pocket, and more folds of what I realize are HIS OLD MAN FLOPPY BUTT FLESH. I swear I tried for like 30 seconds to get the thing, and couldn’t. But it wasn’t even over.
At this point, I turn around and see the horror on some people’s faces, because to the untrained eye, I am a dude sticking his hand down a poor old man’s pants. In a grocery store. In broad daylight. It’s at this point that I give up and tell the guy “Sir, it’s all good your stuff is on me.” I cram my card into the machine and pay for his stuff, which is only like $12.
He thanks me and shuffles out of the store while I pay for my stuff and slide off to my new life as a predator of the elderly.
100. The Limp
This little event took place about a year ago, and it is by far the most embarrassing moment of my life. I was at university during lunch hours, and I suddenly felt an urge to release the chocolate hostages. This is actually a rare event, as I’m not really comfortable pooping in public, but as the university was almost empty, I figured the situation was at least as good as it could be.
In my search for the most abandoned bathroom on campus, I eventually found the perfect spot. It was clean and big, it even had some fancy armrests on each side. I sat down and enjoyed one of my best poops ever. It was huge, it was liquid and it smelled fantastic (from my POV). I sat there pondering, and started reading the newspaper. After about 20-25 minutes, I had to get ready for a lecture and started finishing.
The lecture room was nearby so I wasn’t really in a hurry though. I folded the newspaper neatly and put it my bag, washed my hands, and opened the door. You probably guessed it, but no, not only one person was waiting, TWO people were waiting, IN their wheelchairs, each of them with their personal handicap assistant (this is normal in Norway). In a moment of shock and embarrassment, I realized I had chosen the only handicap wheelchair accessible bathroom on the entire campus.
The floor was swallowing me. It felt like a blackout. I was traveling through distant galaxies, and then I just froze. I stood still like a model posing for a painter. It was the longest seconds in my life. Well, this is where it gets uber awkward; some part of me thought, “Hey, we got this bro, relax.” and then I decided to walk with a limp, without saying a thing. The worst part was that when I first started dragging my right foot in the most over-exaggerated manner you can imagine, I knew it was too late to stop, I had to finish my act. I have never been so embarrassed.
101. A Family Affair
When I was 14 year old, I was at a family friend’s Bar Mitzvah and I didn’t know anyone. So, I was sitting there alone and then I saw this cute girl in the corner. I went over to talk to her and then we ended up just walking around this hotel and making out for about an hour (at 14, that was a big deal). Then she went off to do something. About 15 minutes later I was sitting alone again when my mom called me over and said, “I didn’t know she would be here, but this is my cousin and this is her daughter.”
I look at the girl and realize that my second cousin is the girl I had just made out with. A moment of horror as we look at each other and shake hands. She still hasn’t made eye contact with me since then.