Hair-Raising Humiliation Stories

There’s nothing more cringeworthy or entertaining than an embarrassing true story, and these Redditors have survived some hair-raising humiliations. From terrible slip-ups to messy bathroom debacles, these tales are poised to give you some steamy secondhand embarrassment. Buckle up, it’s going to be a hilariously painful ride.


1. Slip Up

I was a hibachi server. We used these little bottles to squirt sake into people’s mouths. This party of twenty people just finished the show and everything, and the owner went and asked them if they had a good time. One of the customers jokingly said, “I don’t think we got enough sake!” The owner handed me two bottles.

He told me to go back to the kitchen to fill them with sake. So, I ran back to the kitchen and saw two boxes of “sho chiku bai” sake. One of them was marked in Chinese. I randomly picked a box of sake to fill the squirt bottles. I went back, and the manager and I asked them again, “Who wants more sake!” People cheered.

Most of them were hammered, so the owner started rainbowing sake into one person’s mouth, while I did the same to another. Suddenly, the person’s eyes went wide just as I noticed something strange. Under the bright light, the liquid I was squirting into this young woman’s mouth was glistening and running down her face.

It even fell onto the front of her sundress. So, I stopped spraying the “sake” at her while she swallowed and said, “ew, what was that?!” It was vegetable oil. The Chinese writing said vegetable oil. I do not read Chinese.

Dongledoes

2. The Loneliest Reindeer

My middle school did a program that had Japanese students visit our school for a few weeks. I was assigned as a buddy to show a student around. Then at the end of their visit, there was a big trip to NYC. Only a few of the American students came along, but I was among them. The Japanese teachers wanted to be inclusive.

They tried awkwardly to interview each of us in broken English, but no one seemed all that interested. When it was my turn, they asked the typical, “What do you like to do?” which I tried to shut down quickly with a simple, “Oh, I’m in the choir. I like to sing sometimes.” To my horror, they replied, “Oh, why don’t you sing for us!”

Then suddenly, the mic was in my hand. I never really did solos, especially in front of a bus full of students who probably didn’t know what was going on. The teacher picked up on my discomfort and encouraged me to sing a Christmas song since those were the only songs that the students knew to sing along in English. I felt reassured that it wouldn’t be that bad if they all joined in with me. I was SO wrong.

So, I started, “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” There was complete silence while I painfully sang the whole song acapella solo with all eyes on me. Finally, the pain ended, and I crumbled into my seat while awkward, polite applause ensued. But this obvious humiliation just wasn’t enough for the teacher. She wanted this to be a participatory event. And she didn’t care who had to suffer in order to make that happen.

So, what did she do? She told me to do it again, but this time everyone had to sing along. I prayed for it to be a dream, but somehow, the mic was in my hand yet again. With her expecting eyes upon me, I thought by then all dignity was lost and figured why not. Again, I started the song. And again, I sang it completely alone.

geloraXO

3. On Top Of It All

When I was 13, I bought my first strapless bikini swimsuit. I wore it when I was swimming with my cousins while on vacation at my grandmother’s house. I swam all day, and the bikini stayed in place just as it should. We packed up, and I threw on a T-shirt over my swimsuit for the ride home. Grandma hadn’t come with us.

When we got in, she was at home eating popcorn at her table with uncles, aunts, and older cousins. When she saw me in my T-shirt, she jokingly asked if that was all I was wearing. I said nope and proudly pulled my T-shirt up to show her that I had on a swimsuit.  I watched her face change as she was eating her popcorn.

In shock, she choked on her popcorn. I looked down and what do you know, my top had slid down, exposing my whole chest. Everyone at the table just broke out laughing. They all had red faces and were putting their heads down and pounding the table howling with laughter. So yeah, I flashed my grandma and other relatives.

Dawn-of-the-Ginger

4. Addressing The Matter

I was interviewing for a job in the bio-industry early in my career. It was a panel interview with ten other people. They asked what set me apart from other candidates, so I went into the normal spiel about being a quick learner and easily cross-training in multiple areas. As soon as I said that, a guy let out a laugh. I looked around and saw a few jaws had dropped.

It painfully dawned on me that instead of saying “cross-training,” I said “cross-dressing.” What set me apart from other candidates? Cross-dressing. I did not get the job.

UnsolicitedCounsel

5. Running Out Of Options

I was starting out as a teacher in an English course, and one day, I had bad diarrhea in the short break between classes. All my colleagues were gathered in the teacher’s room waiting for class to start. I entered the bathroom connected to the room to relieve myself. As I was finishing, I was dreading opening the door.

I knew that everyone would smell the reminiscent odor. So, I had the brilliant idea of opening the glass window of the bathroom to air out the room before opening the door. The window was stuck, and when I forced it, it fell, breaking into a million pieces on the floor. Everyone heard the noise and knocked on the door.

I had no choice but to open it. They not only smelled horrible diarrhea but also my failure of an attempt to open the window let out the stink. It was so humiliating.

Purrrple_Pepper

6. Wheels On A Bus

I was taking a bus home from the beach. When I got close to my stop, I walked to the front to get ready to get off. I was wearing a denim skirt that was a bit loose, but I’d worn it all day with no problem. Well, the denim had gotten wet, which made it heavier, and it stretched a bit while I sat on the 2-hour bus ride.

So, as I was waiting at the front of this crowded bus with my hands full of all my belongings, I could feel my skirt begin to slide down. I didn’t have any hands free to grab it and nothing to lean against to hold it up, so it fell all the way to the floor. The passengers around me just stared at my situation in shock.

I stood there in my granny panties just wanting to cry. But instead, I started laughing like a maniac. I must have looked like a total nutjob. I stopped wearing skirts after that. Dresses are safer!

SignificantBoot7180

7. Owning It

My small village has its own annual dog show. We normally enter our little dog who has won “friendliest dog,” “waggiest tail,” and, “dog the judge would like to take home,” in the past. This year, she was unfortunately in season, so we didn’t enter to prevent any fuss from the other dogs but brought her along to watch.

Halfway across the park, she decided to poo, and I suddenly realized I’d forgotten a bag. There were other people with dogs around from the show, so I wandered away to ask someone for one. I turned back, and to my horror, a lady was picking up my little dog’s mess. I didn’t want to seem like a jerk who didn’t clean up.

So, I ran to advise her that she didn’t have to do that because I was going to get it. Instead, in a sort of panic, I waved my arms and barked out the wildest thing: “NO, THAT’S MY POO!” I did not say, “That is MY DOG’S poo.” She physically jumped then turned a deep red. She mumbled an apology, dropped the poo, and marched off with her dog.

It was then that I looked to my left and saw my dog’s poo sitting a few feet away from the lady’s dog mess that she was attempting to pick up. I think about this at night sometimes.

Karl_Cross

8. Right In The Gut

When I was 16, I thought the car manufacturer Audi was pronounced “Awdy” instead of like “Owdy” which sounded like outie to me. So, I was at a birthday party where one guy was like, “Yeah, me and my brother both have Audis.” And the other guy said, “My mom has an Audi.” I thought they were talking about belly buttons.

So, I decided to speak up and said, “I have an innie.” The stares made my blood run cold, and that was the day I learned how to pronounce Audi.

bhsgrad2015

9. Rocky Trip

I went to a party and indulged in some pot with some friends. After a while, I was really hungry and saw what I thought was a large bowl of rock candy on the table. Thinking the party host was just some chill rock candy providing individual, I decided to have one. To my utter shock and disappointment, it was not rock candy.

It was some crystal potpourri that tasted like chemicals. I immediately threw up all over the table. I then had to clean it up in front of my friends and lots of people I didn’t know. Two hours later, some girl must have thought the same thing because she bit one before I could stop her. She ran away crying but didn’t puke.

Phreshlybaked

10. Ready For Kickoff

When I was in first grade, I had just recently moved to Oklahoma. My class was doing a showcase for the school assembly in a few weeks. We were going to line dance, and I was paired up with a boy who I really liked for part of the routine. I practiced like crazy attempting to assimilate to my new country’s way of life.

I guess I had forgotten to give the note to my parents, saying to bring cowboy boots for the performance. I showed up wearing flip-flops. The partner section started, and I was kicking my legs like I was a Rockette. And that’s when chaos ensued. My flip-flop flew off into the crowd and hit an older kid in the face. I immediately froze and looked in horror at my lone, shoeless foot.

But the people behind me were not aware of what just happened. So, the person behind me ran into me and fell into the crowd. This had a domino effect and caused a mini pile-up of seven-year-olds. I hobbled off the stage into the bathroom with my only flip-flop. I cried while I waited for my teacher to give me back my shoe.

thebeespatella

11. Nice To Meet You

I’d just started dating a girl who’s half Korean. I visited the Korean church where her parents went. On the way, they explained how I was going to be greeted by the pastor and I was supposed to bow and be as respectful as possible. Well, the pastor had a thick accent. He was greeting people saying, “Welcome, welcome.”

In my nervousness and loss of sense, I thought he was saying “Where from?” So, I, in front of the church and my girlfriend’s parents who I’d just met, got up and yelled, “Nick Purvis, Bowie Maryland!” He looked extremely confused and didn’t bow. He just stared at me, and let’s just say, her parents weren’t super hyped.

nicholasaaronpurvis

12. Physical Evidence

It was my friend’s first day on the job, and I was visiting him. We were standing out in the parking lot just talking when I needed to pass gas. Well, I pushed, and something more than gas came out. And everyone heard. But what really hurt me was when the little poop ball rolled out of my pant leg and onto the asphalt.

Jaxbemis

13. Flowery Language

I was working in the flower department at a grocery store. It was Mother’s Day, one of the busiest days for flower shops. It was the end of the day. I was tired, sweaty, and hating flowers by then. A guy came when we’re ten minutes to close. Internally annoyed, I threw a smile on my face and asked him how I could help.

He apologized for being so last minute, and I shook off any frustration I was feeling—people work and get busy. Maybe he just hadn’t had time. He asked for something nice, but low budget. All the nice stuff was long gone, but I still did what I could. He said, “Fix me up something good—like I spent more than I can.” I have a soft heart. I’d hook him up. But what I said next will haunt me forever.

I laughed and said, “Sure, it’ll look like it cost you an arm and a leg.” I looked at him as he held up a stump where his arm should be, and he replied, “At least an arm anyway,” waving it at me. I felt like my life was over. It’s even worse than when my class caught me weighing my boob.

sassylittlespoon

14. Diet Downfall

I did a “cleanse” diet that involved drinking a lot of psyllium husk powder. After four days without a bowel movement, I ended up fainting on the toilet while straining to squeeze out what I could. My younger brother heard me falling and hitting my head against the bathtub. He rushed in to find me passed out on the floor.

I had no clothes on and poop smeared between my legs and all down the front of the toilet. My brother and I can laugh at it now, but the memory still sneaks up on me at night when I’m trying to get to sleep.

Thin_Host

15. Weight Of Knowledge

It was my first day of high school, so of course, I tried my hardest to look as cool as possible. I had my hair spiked in the front, and my Abercrombie shirt matched my 2-in-1 Abercrombie pants-shorts. My lunch period was the latest of the day, and I had already gone to most of my classes and gotten all of my textbooks.

So, my book bag was really heavy. I got my tray of food and went to search for a place to sit. Lunch on the first day was always terrifying, walking around a sea of kids hoping to see some friends. Luckily, I spotted a few kids who I knew and rushed over to sit. But when I tried to sit down, I missed the seat by a bit.

The lunch tables had these stool seats attached but didn’t have backrests. When I missed the seat, I started to fall back, and the weight of the book bag catapulted me at quite a high rate of speed. The full tray of food and fountain drink that I was holding went flying with me and spilled all over the table behind me.

And of course, the people there were all the most popular and best-looking girls at my school. Coke, chili cheese nachos, and pizza completely covered their brand new first day of school outfits. They were mad and yelling profanities at me while everyone else in the cafeteria laughed at me. It was not a good first day.

Blanhooey_fan_club

16. Foul Play

I was in middle school when a group of girls got my phone number and texted me as my crush. We texted all day after school, and she wanted to hang out with me. I gave her an excuse, so we planned to hang out the next day and meet at the park. That day, I got ready and walked to the park. I waited there for three hours, but of course, she never showed up.

I messaged her and never got a response, so I just went home disappointed and mad at myself. And then came the humiliation…At school, the girls all came up and asked if I had a nice date. Shocked, I wondered how they knew. Then they showed me all the pictures they had taken of me sitting alone and made fun of how dumb I looked.

WTFDennis

17. Gotta Go Up

In third grade, my class walked to the public library down the street from the elementary school. I needed to use the bathroom badly. The washroom only had one toilet. My best friend came along too and went first because she had to take a dump. I couldn’t hold it and climbed up on the sink attached to the wall to go pee. BIG MISTAKE.

I slipped and fell peeing all over myself and the floor. I had to walk back to the school with wet pants and my friend’s jacket tied around my waist. Lending me her jacket was the least she could do all things considered—but my embarrassment didn’t end there. I went to the family resource center to get shorts to wear for the rest of the day…

They were by far the ugliest things I had ever seen. To this day, I cannot go to the library without thinking about this incident. In retrospect, it’s a good thing that I was unable to climb on the sink because I don’t know how I would have explained it had it ripped off the wall.

forcemequeen

18. Today’s Lesson

One day in middle school, I walked into my science class to see we all had a small whiteboard on our desks for an activity for that day. Before class started, my friend and I started writing different “kick me” type signs on them for fun. Then class started, but we kept writing messages and showing them to each other. Little did I know, I was about to become my own worst enemy…

I wrote one, and too loudly whispered, “PSST” to get my friend’s attention, then held up my sign to him which said, “My brain is in my butt.” Since I was too loud, it caught the teacher’s attention, she saw my board, then announced loudly “Yeah well according to your grades, that’s probably true.”

BearzerkerX

19. Gods Almighty

When I was in grade 8, we had to give a presentation on a Greek god. I chose to do my project on Zeus. However, I was nervous and for some reason referred to him as Zesus—pronounced like Jesus but with a Z. The presentation was about eight minutes long, and I said Zeus wrong countless times. I finally got to the end. It wasn’t until then that a kid asked, “you do know it’s pronounced Zeus, right?”

ChompaDillo

20. Mal-Flung-Tion

In middle school, I was invited to an indoor inflatable playground after completing the “one million pages” challenge. There was a Velcro wall where a bungee cord attached to a person in a Velcro jumpsuit flung you really fast. With my boyfriend watching, I put on the suit and got hooked up. It didn’t work properly.

It flung me down and back causing me to land with my head between my legs upside down so the weight of my body was on my neck. To make it even worse, my entire butt was hanging out. But that wasn’t even the worst part. While hanging upside down, I saw my boyfriend’s eyes widen with horror. He just walked away like he didn’t know me then broke up with me later the same day.

erickacrites

21. Rushed Order

My job during freshman year was as a waiter. On one of my early days of serving on my own, there was a 30-something-year-old couple with three kids, and the father looked stressed out of his mind. They hadn’t even decided on appetizers yet, and he immediately asked me for a “Blue Moon, with a mug, and an orange slice.”

I was obviously very anxious that day, and after feeling the “hurry up” vibes from the father, it only got worse. So, I asked the bar for a Blue Moon, and then my sideways brain sent me to the kitchen where I grabbed a coffee mug for my tray complete with a huge full-blown orange slice thrown inside the mug for good measure.

I grabbed the Blue Moon on the way to the table and then presented my bizarre creation to this man. I’ll never forget the look of confusion and disgust on his face as if he were my father looking at me disappointed. He and his wife then laughed, and he said, “Kid, no, I want a cup with a small orange slice on the rim.”

I promptly fixed my error while he enjoyed laughing with the table next to him about my zero IQ moment. I like to think I brightened his day by giving him a laugh at my expense, but it still haunts me.

_aChu

22. Leaky Farewell

I work in a school, and we had a new assistant principal. At the beginning of the year, I ran into him as I was entering the men’s bathroom. He introduced himself, and we talked some outside the bathroom. Once a natural pause came, I said bye then walked in. He followed right behind me. Fantastic. Already off to an awkward start.

We had literally just said bye and then went to the same place. The restroom was empty. And because I said bye and didn’t want to talk while using the bathroom, I went to the stall all the way on the other side of the bathroom while he went to a urinal. He then asked out loud while going, “So, you grow up in the area?”

I normally am uncomfortable by conversations in the bathroom, but since I chose to pee in a stall, not only was I worried about having to keep up the conversation, but my pee hitting the water was so loud that I had to have the conversation while basically shouting. It was the worst four minutes of my life.

BallsDropped

23. Painfully Cold

I was a part of the glee club back in high school, and we had a performance in front of the whole school. I had the very first line and was supposed to do an adlib dance to introduce myself to the audience while the other members were in the back. I suck at dancing, and I’m stiffer than a piece of wood when I move my body.

So, in front of the crowd, I crossed my arms and did a strange imitation of being chilly and cold. I looked like a mummy that’d been recently unearthed, and there was no reaction from the crowd whatsoever. What made it worse was that the person after me was very good at dancing, and everyone excitedly cheered for him.

Later, I asked my best friend what he’d thought about my dancing. He said that I sucked, and he’d cringed so hard during my performance. All my confidence shattered right there, and since then, every time I hear anything related to glee club or live performances, I get goosebumps and want the earth to swallow me whole.

kelpmepleaseimhungry

24. Do I Know You

I saw my friend talking to people in the quad. I thought it would be funny to sneak up and startle her. I crept up behind her and stood very close. Like, uncomfortably close. I mean, the crotch of my pants touching her butt and my face inches from her hair close. Once I saddled up, I said, “Hey,” directly into her ear.

She quickly turned. She was not my friend. I tried to stammer out an apology and tell her I thought she was someone else, but in reality, I think I just made some noises and quickly turned and sped walked away.

BFXer

25. Hold Tight

I was a photographer and lived in LA. I made some friends including one who was a publicist for Jamie Foxx. She got me hired to take pictures at his birthday party. The night went well. I saw some celebs, networked, looked at all of his awards, and took what may have been the final portrait of Heavy D before he passed.

I was in the kitchen chatting with some guy who told me that Jamie was coming in to take a picture with his friends. And I was already prepared. The guy told me not to worry because it’d be easy since Jamie would give a signal when it’s time to take the picture. So, everyone at the party lined up, smiled, and got ready.

But no signal. So, I held, and held, and held. We all just stood there. There was me holding my camera to my eye waiting for “The Signal,” and they were frozen holding their smiles, staring, and not giving me The Signal! After a painful 20 seconds, Jamie just said, “okay!” I took the picture, and it was finally over.

Babycobra

26. RSVP-U

My mom threw me a graduation party. She booked the party in the community room of the local rescue squad and had a huge table full of food. The most heartbreaking part? No one came. Most of the people she invited were fellow graduates so they had their own parties going on. We gave the food to the rescue squad people. I mostly felt horrible for my mom.

General_Weakness5746

27. Top Of The Class

I was wearing a pullover sweatshirt and got hot at the top of an auditorium-style classroom. So, I stood up and pulled it off, but the entire thing came off with it. My professor had been facing the board and turned around right as I basically had my shirt off raised above my head struggling to get out of the pullover.

Professor got startled and yelped a bit. He said he didn’t know what I was doing. The whole class laughed.

Wes___Mantooth

28. Bottoms Up

I was looking for a new car so I went to the dealership. After test driving a couple, I decided which one I wanted and was up at the counter to sign for it. When I reached into my back pocket, my hand ripped through my pocket, and I felt my skin. I’d made a six-inch rip in my favorite jeans. But that wasn’t the worst part.

My entire butt cheek was hanging out. Except I thought nobody had noticed and felt relieved. But then, three months later, I went back to the same dealership to get an oil change. When I got there, the salesman went, “I see you got new pants!”

daleene

29. Off My Chest

I had a sketchpad with drawings of Disney characters and logos when I was younger. Impressed, my mom—at a family gathering with my father’s side of the family—mentioned my drawings and wanted me to get them and show everyone. I got it from the car, and they passed the sketchpad around the room, flipping through the pages.

My family looked through every page and complimented me multiple times. Later that night, I looked back through the sketchpad. I had completely forgotten that I had drawn a detailed image of a very chesty fox girl. It filled the page with the chest being about a third of the image. They all saw, and no one said a word.

Denizen-Z

30. Sticking To Routine

I was at the gym and had to take a dump BAD. I did my business, cleaned up, and then ran my best mile ever on the treadmill. I noticed that I was getting a lot of looks and shrugged it off. But then I saw the toilet paper on the ground. That was when I realized…I had a BUNCH of toilet paper in my shorts the whole time.

uhh_phonzo

31. Kids Say The Darndest Things

I was about 13 and just being inappropriate and, in trying to make a friend uncomfortable, said his mom’s chest was nice. He laughed it off. Maybe a year or more later, I still had never even seen his mom. I was at his house staying the night. He introduced me to his mom as, “the friend who said you have a nice chest.”

My heart sank. It was easily the worst first impression I’ve ever made, and she laughed about it and said thanks. But a lesson was learned, and I’m a better man for it.

Infinityxawaits

32. Made It Myself

We were all sitting on the floor when I passed gas in class. I was 10 and didn’t care until my classmate behind me went, “YIKES! Who was that?” People laughed. I still didn’t care who knew and proudly owned up for a laugh. My jerk of a teacher casually said, “If you want to do that, raise your hand and leave the room.”

I was very confused, and everyone thought it was hilarious. I made it worse by innocently adding, “My dad says it’s my breakfast.” And that was when I became known as the kid with bad gas. I tried to turn the tables on them and threatened to have the same meal for breakfast and produce the devil’s breath, which worked!

BmMjO

33. Surprise Blowout

One day, before a C-level meeting, I went to use the urinal and tried to squeeze out a toot, but instead, disaster struck: I ended up pooping myself. So, I had to clean up my ruined pants as best as I could in the stall and call in sick from the bathroom. To avoid seeing anybody, I exited the building through the fire exit and waddled home defeated.

m3rc4d3r

34. Clean Break

In college, the showers on my male-only dorm floor weren’t working, and I had to go down two floors to shower since each floor alternated between male and female. Well, when I was done showering, I walked back to my room and opened my door. Except things didn’t look quite that right. The beds were arranged differently.

The decorations were different too. Then I looked to my right, and there’s a very shocked-looking girl sitting in bed reading a book. I hadn’t gone down enough floors. I got out an apology and closed the door then rushed back to my room. I never saw her again.

Wes___Mantooth

35. Hold It

I was running to the elevator, and when I got to the door, a woman stuck her hand out to me. Confused, I tried shaking her hand. She gave me a weird look and pulled her hand back. Turns out, she’d only been trying to hold the elevator door for me. Another woman in the elevator witnessed it and called me out. I blushed from head to toe and spent the rest of the elevator ride with them quite embarrassed.

Wes___Mantooth

36. Something In The Air

It had to be nerves and strong coffee an hour or so before a date giving me terrible gas. I was fine until we drove to the local park and took a long walk to get to know each other better before a relaxed mid-evening dinner at a nearby Asian restaurant. I can laugh about it now but not then. The gas was really embarrassing.

I prayed that my date had no idea that I couldn’t suppress it no matter how hard I tried. At least it was silent, but he figured out what was going on fairly quickly and asked if I had bad gas. I was embarrassed and apologized profusely as I had no way of trying to get out of it after that.  I felt terrible, but then the unexpected happened.

We ended up laughing about it for the next hour. Both of us had been nervous about the date, and we’re simply enjoying each other’s company already. We also shared a crude sense of humor, and it did a lot of good in terms of helping us overcome the nerves. That date ended up being one of my funniest and most enjoyable.

ENFJPLinguaphile

37. Popular Theory

In the early 90s, I was in sixth grade and already sliding down the slope of unpopularity. I was constantly subjected to wedgies, beatings, and bathroom trauma that, later, took years of therapy to undo. There was also a popular girl, Mandy, who was always nice to me since kindergarten. I was absolutely smitten with her, but it was sixth grade.

I could barely figure out my hormones let alone any signals. Because I had glasses and lackluster clothes, my parents were poor, and with everything happening at school, it was unfathomable that this popular girl could be into me at all. Her best friend came over one day at recess to sheepishly ask me if I “like-liked” Mandy.

Meanwhile, Mandy and the other girls looked on. My insecurity got the better of me, and I thought the whole thing was a setup for everyone to laugh at me. So, I said, “No! Of course not!” like a dummy. It had never crossed my mind that her kindness actually meant something until a couple of years later when it clicked.

Maybe, just maybe, she was always so nice to me because she “like-liked” me too. By then, I was the kid who couldn’t afford anything brand name and absolutely had no sports ability. So, my popularity cred didn’t rise until I started playing drums in bands and getting piercings and tattoos because 15-year-olds are stupid.

10 years later at our high school reunion, she confirmed I was a dummy and that we could’ve dated—as far as you could do that in sixth grade.

HauntofhighAFtower

38. Parental Displays Of Dissatisfaction

It was during middle school, and my whole family was over including my grandma, aunts, and cousins. We were watching TV. I was furiously making out with my girlfriend. Like relentlessly making out, on top of her, heavy breathing, while everyone was in the living room. I will never forget their shock and disappointment.

My parents had to tell me to get off like I was a dog in heat. I can only hope that it was so mentally scarring for my family that it’s been buried deep within their minds. I yearn for the day this stain upon my life is erased from my memory. But alas, I believe I am doomed for the rest of my life to live with my horrendous sin.

Carpcadavers

39. Sorry, Your Honor

I was 15 at a swim meet. I swam a lot. One of the older guys, the “joker,” came up to our tent when I had my back turned. He asked how we were doing. I exaggerated and jokingly told him to shut up. I turned to face him and realized that I’d just told my other teammate’s father, a prominent judge in my city, to shut up.

StudentLoanSlave1

40. Red Means Go

Back in the late 80s, I was 17-years-old uptown cruising in our parent’s car with my sister. We got stopped at a red light, and a car pulled up next to us. When I looked over to the next car, I realized that the driver was the guy I was crushing on at the time. He smiled and said “hey.” I panicked, ran the red light, and went home.

Big-Tuna-for-Commish

41. Crème De La Crotch

I used to wait tables. During a busy Sunday post-church lunch rush, I had to make a sundae for a table in the very back corner of the restaurant. I went to the table, and the entire party started to laugh. Really confused and holding the sundae, I looked down and realized that I had a lot of whipped cream on my crotch.

It was nowhere else on me. Just my crotch. All I could do was put the sundae down, say, “Oh my gosh,” and speedwalk back through the whole restaurant to clean myself up.

InstagramLincoln

42. Conversation Pointer

I was on a business trip with my new boss. We got into an Uber, and I started making small talk with the driver to show my boss how great I am at talking to people. Except, after a weird glance in the rear-view mirror and a short cough from my boss, I realized that the driver was talking to his girlfriend with a headset.

IntrepidusX

43. As A Matter Of Fact

I went to class stoned in college, and one student with autism was freaking out over losing something. We were waiting outside class because our professor wasn’t there yet. Then campus security pulled up, and for some reason, I got it in my head that they might escalate the situation even though nothing indicated this.

I thought it smart to “inform” campus security by saying, “Officer, she’s autistic.” But as soon as the words left my mouth, I wanted to take them back. The silence that followed made me wish that the Earth swallowed me. The guy responded, “Okay,” which was followed by a classmate saying, “Well, that was awkward.”

Sometimes I think about this moment and shiver from the embarrassment and then chuckle at how much of a moron I am.

c4rlows

44. Wrong Move

I was in an elevator full of people, and the elevator reached a floor and stopped. Being the one that was standing closest to the door, I assumed that there were people who wanted to get off, so I stepped out. When I looked back, nobody exited. Everyone was staring at me, so I acted cool and proceeded to take the stairs.

The stairs faced the elevator. I reached my floor just as the doors of the same elevator opened with the same bunch of people staring at me.

BkXue

45. To Be Or Not To Be

When I was in 3rd grade, I had just read Rumpelstiltskin. I remember reading the part where he shook his fist and said, “Ah, the devil told you!” when the princess remembers his name. At the end of the day, the teacher let us play Heads Up, 7 Up. I got to choose someone then stood at the front. My classmate guessed me correctly.

I loudly yelled, “Ah, the devil told you!” Every single one of my classmates howled with laughter. I wasn’t trying to be funny or weird. My brain just decided to quote a very obscure book from our class library. When kids saw me in the halls, they’d yell it at me and then start laughing. I wanted to disappear so badly.

goldenboy2191

46. Hover Intolerant

I was at this techy toy shop in another country and saw a kid use a hoverboard and then set it aside. My monkey brain thought, “Oh, it must be a ‘try me’ type thing.” Nope. When I stepped on it, I immediately biffed it and knocked over an entire display rack. The guy working there had quickly realized that I was a dumb American.

He said, “Yep, that’s why we don’t have these on display to try.” I looked over to the kid and his mom, and they didn’t even look at me. They just checked the hoverboard to make sure it was fine. I wanted to crawl into a cave and hide. It still keeps me up at night.

russiantroIIbot

47. Higher Upchuck

I’d moved to New York for a big promotion. The most senior people at the company were feeding me drinks at my welcome party on an empty stomach, and I kept just obliging. I went with my former boss, new wife, and two other senior executives to a restaurant after the initial welcome drinks, and I was absolutely blasted.

I didn’t make it to the toilet and threw up all over the washroom. Then when I walked out, I walked into the kitchen by mistake. I walked back to our table then stumbled when I got there. Still, the worst was yet to come. My wife ordered me a burger. I took one bite and hurled, yes, fully hurled, into my dinner plate in front of the entire restaurant.

I spent the next three months being teased. It was definitely embarrassing but a good way to start with a story, I suppose.

Permalink

48. Something Special

I was working at a jewelry store one day and stood up to pass gas but passed way more than that. I was in a three-piece tan suit and as poop ran down my legs, I had to sidestep to the gate to close it so no one in the store saw the stain. But an elderly woman walked in to have her watch battery changed. I quickly replaced it.

I prayed that no one else came in and didn’t charge her. I rushed her out and successfully closed the gate, which seemingly took forever. I was alone and had to call a co-worker who laughed at me when I asked him to come in early. He bought me a pair of sweats on his way, and I scurried out the back and got on my bike.

It was the worst trip home with a disgusting mud pie in my trousers.  My girlfriend was home, and so I had to relive it and explain the whole thing to her. It was truly mortifying. I haven’t let one out that I wasn’t a thousand percent sure about since that day.

ithoughtimadeitclear

49. Going Through An Icy Patch

I was 13, and my family and I were on a skiing holiday. My parents decided to sign me up for lessons so that my dad could have some good skiing time and my mum and sister could relax and drink hot chocolate. Well, I had been throwing myself down mountain slopes with about as much grace as a brick with my unhappy tutor.

I was exhausted. We had time for one more run, so we all waddled over to the T-bar machine. The machine was a metal bar, shaped like an upside-down T, and hooked below your butt then dragged you upwards to avoid climbing for ten minutes and skiing back down a few seconds later. Somehow, my jacket got caught on the bar.

It knocked me to the ground. But that wasn’t the embarrassing part. It then dragged me along the snow, passed where I was supposed to ski off, and carried me on along a very icy patch towards the mountain where it turned back. But that’s still not the most embarrassing part. The embarrassing part was what the rough ice did.

Somehow, getting dragged along the ice managed to pull down my ski pants, thermals, and underwear, exposing my bare bottom to an entire slope of people and giving me a nasty cold friction burn all down my thigh. Also, I was screaming my head off so someone would stop the machine. And there were a lot of people who saw.

I was helped off the ice and skied down to the bigger lift to bring me back down to the hotel. I cried the entire ride down. The worst was telling my family the story while still sobbing through a wounded butt and my wounded pride. Then I had my dad and sister howl with laughter while my mom desperately tried to comfort me.

pungeonmaster

50. Cut Short

When I was 19, I was working in a retail store and standing behind the counter at the cash register. A girl walked in and thought I was really cute and kept talking to me for about 45 minutes. After we chatted, she asked me for my number and told me that we should go out soon. When she was leaving, she asked for a hug.

I said sure. I came around the counter and stepped down from the platform. She was about three inches taller than me. The girl went, “Oh my goodness, you’re so short! Uh…nope!” and walked away. I’d never felt so embarrassed in my life. I was so crushed, and that was the first time I developed a complex about my height.

I’m 43 now, but that stayed with me. Until this day, I cringe when I think about it

yaier5

Sources: 1, 2

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