It’s pretty rare in life to say the right thing at the right time, especially when we’re put on the spot. That’s what makes the art of the clapback so very special. These Redditors came together to share stories of times when they got it right for once, completely demolishing their victim. Whether it’s utterly hilarious or absolutely devastating, there are few experiences more satisfying than landing the perfect comeback—and these stories are proof.
1. Schooling the Teacher
I’m a fourth-grade teacher, and one day I was up at the board struggling to remember how to spell a particular word—hey, it happens. I was trying to make light of it, telling the kids that sometimes adults need help with spelling, too. One student replied, “It’s because you were poorly educated. But don’t worry, we’re poorly educated, too.” Double whammy.
2. Brother in Arms
At a party a few years back, someone took my friend’s purse. Her boyfriend found the guys who took it and got it back for her, but the boyfriend was still in a rage about it and was continuing to escalate the situation. My friend finds me and says, “I’m afraid he’s about to get into a fight, I need your help. Stop him, please!”
I stand up and I tell her, “I can’t promise you I can stop him from fighting, but I can promise you I won’t let him lose” before walking off to find him. I didn’t realize that I had basically said a cheesy one-liner until after the fact, when my friend told me how intense that line was. Ultimately, though, no fight ever happened!
3. Single and Unable to Mingle
I was a waitress, and this group had one too many to drink. This one guy was incessantly hitting on me, so I politely told him I had a boyfriend, and then he started to ask me rude things about my boyfriend. Things like, “Does he pay for dinner? Does he take care of you?” Just sorry attempts to diminish him in front of me.
After a few minutes of me ignoring him, he then asked about the size of my boyfriend’s package. That’s when I really lost my cool. “What’s the matter with you?” I snapped, “Why are you so obsessed with my boyfriend? I already told you he’s taken. ” His friends started to roast the dude badly, but frankly he deserved it.
4. Go Ahead and Jump
My co-worker was this big, burly mountain of a man who was a little unhinged. While at work one day, we came to face each other in one of the narrow corridors of the office, and one of us needed to turn sideways to get by. Neither of us turned, but we stopped. I’m six feet and over 200 pounds, but he still towered over me.
He looked me right in the eye and said, “You feeling froggy?” It truly was like something out of a movie. Without blinking I replied, “You better jump.” We both cracked up and turned sideways, while the office breathed a collective sigh of relief.
5. Peer Evaluation
In high school, one of my teachers did end-of-the-year anonymous evaluations. Everyone hated him, including me, even though I actually did well in the class. He was just really grumpy and mean. So without really thinking, I wrote something incredibly cruel. “I don’t have any critiques about your teaching, but I think you should work on being a better person.” That one must have hurt.
6. There’s No “I” in “Team
At my work one year, our project management team undercut and mismanaged a project so badly. All they cared about was getting the minimum viable product out, with the goal to roll out improvements later. So the product got released, and they all patted themselves on the back and moved on. Then that product broke, big time.
So we’re all in a meeting talking about how it’s so broken, how much it costs to fix it, all that. While there, I asked, “How come we couldn’t afford to do it right, but we can afford to do it twice?”
7. Why Don’t You Call Someone Who Cares
I worked in cell phone sales for a few years, and a woman once came in with a fairly new flip phone. She was complaining because one of the sides of the screen was dangling off. She claimed she hadn’t done anything to it and that it had just snapped all on its own volition. She was angrily demanding a new phone.
I told her, “That looks like physical damage and we don’t have any coverage for that.” She continued to insist that it wasn’t physical damage and the phone just sucked and broke itself. She started freaking out and calling me all kinds of names and swinging her phone in my face…until the top half of the phone LITERALLY snapped off and landed on the counter in front of me.
I just looked her in the eyes and said, “Well, that was definitely physical damage.” She lost her mind at my comment and it was weirdly satisfying.
8. Making Headway
When I was 12, my older sister had a boy over for Thanksgiving dinner. She dated lots of jerks, but this guy took the cake. He was a big, brash, annoying idiot who was rude to her and basically everyone else. As we sat down to dinner, he says in this stupid voice, “Huh, looks like I’m seated at the head of the table, must be important” with a huge grin.
Without pausing, I gesture to my dad seated at the other side of the table and said, “Actually my dad is at the head of the table, you’re just the butt hole.” I got in trouble in the moment, but years later my mom confessed that she and dad thought it was hilarious.
9. It’s Getting Hot in Here
After five years in a horrific relationship, I told my ex-husband that I wanted a divorce. He was very Christian, and he told me that I couldn’t divorce him or I’d go to hell. My response was “Well, I guess I’ll see you there!” I then kicked him out of my house and told him to call his mom for a plane ticket. It felt so good.
10. They Don’t Call It Laughing Gas for Nothing
I was around 17 or 18 and getting my first filling at the dentist. They pumped me up with nitrous oxide for pain and to help me relax during the procedure. Then the dentist came back and asked me, “How are you feeling?” Apparently, all I said was “I don’t.” He lost his mind and cracked up for what seemed like 20 minutes before he could pull himself together.
I also started cracking up because of the laughing gas and his laugh was infectious. So we were both just sitting in the room laughing together, and all his assistants came by and were very confused.
11. Don’t Fear the Reaper
One day while I was working in retail, an angry Karen who couldn’t get her discount once told me she hoped I would die. I was so into “work mode” that I blankly responded without thinking, “I mean, we all have to go sometime . That’s not much of a threat.” Maybe it was my lack of intimidation or blank stare, but that really shut her up.
12. Food for Thought
I worked at Target back in college in a stocking job where we had to be there at like 4-5am to unload trucks. One morning, I overslept a bit and walked to the unpacking line about 10 minutes late while eating a breakfast bar. My boss stormed over and started loudly berating me in front of everyone for being late.
As he was going on, I was listening and taking bites of the bar without much expression, mainly because I was tired. It finally bothered him that I was disrespectfully chewing during the yelling and he stopped mid-sentence, held out his hand, and said, “Give me that darn thing!” That’s when I had an ingenious idea.
It just so happened that I only had one bite left, so I took it, handed him the wrapper, and said “Thanks” with a mouth full of food. He paused and started laughing at the ridiculous response to his complaining. We were buddies after that.
13. The Funny Thing Is…
I’m a writer, and I do a bit of stand-up comedy. As a result, friends tend to introduce me to new people as a “comedian” or “writer” or something of that nature. So I was outside a bar with a friend of a friend, and he then introduced me to one of his friends. This guy was just dressed like a jerk, you know? And he exuded smugness.
The introduction went like this: My friend: “This is my pal, he’s a comedian.” The guy looks me up and down, “Comedian eh? Does that mean you think you’re funny?” Almost instantly, I responded, “No, it means everyone else does.” I literally do not know where it came from. I didn’t think about the response, it just came out. And it is hands down the GREATEST thing I’ve ever said.
14. I’m Done With This
One day while I was at work at a company meeting, someone was presenting something cool they volunteered to work on and finished. They then explained things they thought they could do better in a self-deprecating way, and for some reason a bunch of other people took that as an invitation to start railing into his work with petty criticism.
It was definitely good work, though, and a thought just hit me so I blurted it out, “Sometimes ‘done’ is the best feature.” A bunch of people laughed and then the criticism stopped. People gave him kudos and we moved on.
15. He Shoots, He Scores
There was this one extremely attractive girl in my communications class in college. One day, for a project where we interviewed other students, I was partnered with her. We ended up not finishing our questions in class, so I asked her if I could meet her somewhere to finish interviewing her. To my excitement, she said yes.
Fast-forward to the next day, and I meet her after her dance group finishes rehearsal. I knock through the last few questions, and the final one I ask is: “What do you perceive the future to hold?” She replies, “I don’t even know what I’m having for dinner tonight, I have no idea what the future holds.” So I come up with an amazing response on the spot.
I say “Well, if you don’t know what you’re having for dinner, do you want to have dinner with me?” She laughed, said yes, and though we only hooked up that night, I still look back on that day as one of the best dating stories I’ve had yet.
16. Barrel of Laughs
I work in waste management, and I’m also a rather small person. One day, I was wheeling a stack of drums out to our loading dock, navigating pretty much purely on instinct since I couldn’t see over or around them. Lo and behold, there’s someone there chatting with the shipping people, and I run straight into him.
I’m surrounded by everyone in shipping, some fairly big dudes, and I feel amazingly embarrassed. I leaned around the drums to look at the guy I hit, and without even thinking, I said, “What do you want me to do, see through them?” Everyone burst out laughing and the guy even opened the door to the dock for me. Every time I see him now, he pretends to duck.
17. Too Cool for School
My girlfriend and I were in the middle of a discussion about her going back to school. She kept putting it off every semester, and one day she got angry at me for trying to get her to actually go back, not just talk about it. She yelled “Rome wasn’t built in a day!” and I responded, “Yeah, but it was built.” And a decade later, I still think of that.
18. They Didn’t Get the Memo
Years ago, I worked at a Hard Rock café as a waiter, and we often had pre-shift server meetings outdoors on a patio. One day while my boss was droning on about us selling more overpriced plastic cups, I was staring off at the spinning globe on top of the building that says “Save the Planet.” Suddenly, I interrupted my boss by blurting out, “If Hard Rock is trying to save the planet, why do we waste so much paper?” This was really directed at my managers, who were obsessed with printing out stupid memos they didn’t need. But I never could have predicted where it would end up.
They somehow didn’t realize it was about them specifically, and passed the comment up the food chain, which ended up resulting in the entire company changing their payroll system to paperless, globally. As a reward, I was given a pin shaped like a light bulb that said “bright idea” on it. Uh, thanks guys, I guess.
19. It Runs in the Family
At a family vacation, my grandmother was giving me grief for not remembering the date of her birthday—I’ve never been very good with birthdays. She wanted me to unlock her phone and told me her birthday was the passcode, but I couldn’t for the life of me remember it. So while she was distracted, I opened up the settings, changed her password to my birth date, and then set her phone down.
Cue 15 minutes later, she’s trying to get into her phone and it’s not working. Suspecting mischief, she grumpily asks me if I’ve changed the password to her phone in front of our entire family. I admit that I did. “Well, what is it?” She asked impatiently. “It’s my birth date.” She sat there in stunned silence for about 15 seconds, not being able to remember my birthday, before our family exploded laughing. It was a good time.
20. Zero to Hero
A long time ago, I was walking down a side street in a medium-sized town with my girlfriend. A car was parked ahead, with the front of the car facing us as we approached. I could see two kids, maybe in their late teens, and instantly could tell they were likely going to say something as my girlfriend was rather attractive. You just get to know the type.
As soon as we come up next to them, I hear “Hey baby, ditch the zero and come hang with the hero.” I could feel my blood boil, but I kept my cool and calmly said, “Sorry buddy, I’m not gay…and don’t call my girlfriend a zero.” The dude’s friend started laughing at him and my girlfriend made a sarcastic crying face, then we both started to laugh.
21. A Taste of His Own Medicine
I was doing a university project and had to do a large presentation in front of maybe 50-60 other students about a possible education toy for kids. It was a bit of a train wreck, as no one else in the group had rehearsed or even read the script. As with all presentations, they asked for questions at the end, and I stepped up to answer them.
There was one guy at the back who always asked awkward questions, like “What if someone were to injure themselves and sue you?” or “Have you factored in matching employees’ pensions?” It was meant to be a fun project for first-year students, and the professors weren’t expecting tons of detail. So when he raised his hand, I knew I was in for it.
The guy opened right away asking awkward questions—but I was ready for him. He misjudged how well I knew my details. I asked the lecturer hosting the session if I could load up my spreadsheet, and he allowed it. That’s when the guy realized he had asked the wrong guy. I had made an automatic spreadsheet that answered basically everything he could have asked. But I wasn’t done yet.
When it came to asking his group questions, I asked him every single thing he had thrown out to other groups, everything he had overlooked, just everything I could think of. On the way out, the other groups gave me a smile and a thumbs up.
22. Do What You Love
Around the time I was 12, I was at a family party with my dad and aunts and uncles. My dad told me that one of my uncles owned several bars. My response? “Oh, it’s good that he got into a business that he already knows something about.” I had no idea what I really was saying, I honestly thought I was giving him a compliment.
23. The Comeback Kid
This was back in my junior year of college. At the beginning of the semester, I was introducing myself to my very intimidating biochemistry professor. The guy was a genius but also quite demanding, and the students were all terrified to ask him questions because he was known for grilling people and even excusing them from class if it didn’t seem like they’d done enough work.
As I walked into his office, he was sorting through some boxes and made a really sarcastic comment regarding stuffing me in the box and shipping it off somewhere. He looked up for my response, and I just blurted out without thinking: “I wouldn’t mind going somewhere nice…” Dude laughed so hard it actually startled me a little.
We got along pretty well for the remainder of the semester. It’s amazing what a little laughter can do to ease tension.
24. Don’t Mess With Me
This was kind of a proud moment for me. I was always really shy in school, had very few friends, was teased a lot. My mom passed when I was 14 and I kept it to myself, not wanting sympathy or more teasing for it. Except someone found out, though I’m not sure how. This awful girl then said in one of our mutual classes that I should just die like my stupid mom did.
The whole class heard and was shocked. Even the teacher was like a deer in headlights. I immediately got up to leave. Before I did, I gave a reply that made her face turn white. I turned to her, got up close, and said “I’ve seen what cancer does to people. It hurts. And I would never wish that on anyone. Not even you.” Then I turned and walked out.
A lot of people gave me some respect for the fact that I stood up for myself, although people then knew my mom had passed, which wasn’t great. I ended up leaving the school a few months later anyways, but I was glad that I stood up for myself.
25. If the Shoe Fits
About 25 years ago, I was in grade nine and my parents bought me a pair of Air Max shoes. I’m a female, but I had picked a pair of Air Max that were “supposed” to be for boys because I preferred the color of the shoes. I was super pumped to get those shoes; we didn’t have lots of money and it was a pretty extravagant purchase.
Anyway, I was at our local shopping mall and I ran into a group of guys I went to high school with. They were a real bunch of jerks who thrived on dumping on other people. One of the guys had on the same pair of shoes and said to me “Do you know you’re wearing men’s shoes?” To which I quickly replied, “Then why the heck are you wearing them?”
The other guys burst out laughing, and it still stands out in my mind after all these years.
26. With Friends Like These, Who Needs Enemies?
A couple of months ago, my now ex-friend was telling me all the things that were “wrong” with me, and she finished it with “…and at least I don’t have to wear makeup to look pretty.” I was so fed up with her, so I responded, “At least I am capable of looking pretty.” She was speechless, and I felt like such a champion because this was the first time I ever stood up to her.
27. A Leap of Faith
I was crazy about this dude. He was intelligent, hot, funny, and a bit older. After a few weeks of dating, he said he wasn’t ready for a commitment. I told him to come pick up his book from my place, and not to reach out again as it hurt too much. I was that into him. So he comes to my apartment, and I go to hand him the book and begin to shut the door.
He puts his foot in the way to stop it and says, “I don’t know what to do. I’m not ready, but I can’t stop thinking about you.” Moving my hand off the door, I hand him the book and said, “Then pick me up at 7.” Anyway, now we’re married.
28. A Heavy Burden
I was part of a Secret Santa gift exchange while I was in college in one of my clubs. At one point during the exchange, this kind of nerdy guy got a collection of British currency, since he liked to collect foreign bills and coins. It was a really great gift, but this one girl made a really rude comment in front of everyone about it being a stupid gift.
Cue my mouth running off before my brain can stop it: “Karen, don’t be rude, he just didn’t want you to be the only one who gained 20 pounds this semester.” There was a moment of complete silence, and then total pandemonium erupted. Her boyfriend tried to pick a fight with me and she burst into tears. It was not the best day for the club, but it was still one of my best comebacks.
29. Twice as Nice
This guy I worked with had a stutter, which might have made me feel bad for him if he weren’t such a jerk. He was really religious and hated that I was gay. One day, he goes “Hey, d-do you think you’re going s-straight to heck because you’re gay?” And my response was “Hey Anthony, d-do you think God gave you a s-stutter so you could think twice about what you say to people?” The whole wait station stopped what they were doing.
30. Making the Grade
In a class at university, each student had to give a presentation about a scientific paper and then answer some questions about it. We were told to ask the speaker questions, because otherwise the professor would, and his questions would obviously be harder. That professor was really brutal in his critiques of the presentations, but also fair and accurate.
In any case, I didn’t want people to face his wrath, so I asked a question after every single presentation. Yet when my turn came around, no student wanted to ask anything, so the professor asked me if I wanted to ask myself a question. Without even thinking about it, I said, “Say, how come your presentation was so extremely excellent?”
I was mentally preparing to be chewed out. Instead, the professor needed a minute to stop laughing, and then he gave me the best grade possible.
31. Wet and Wild
I worked as a bartender at what was arguably the busiest bar in Boston circa 2015. On a typical, overwhelmingly busy Saturday, I was working the service bar and it was absolutely humming as it always was. At the time, I was making and distributing craft cocktails at breakneck speeds for servers, and also taking orders of the raving lunatics demanding to be quenched of what seemed to be an insatiable thirst.
It was a blur of ice and juice and madness as I crushed ice and fruit and squeezed bottles of syrups and juices and topped drinks with myriad garnishes. Basically, I was in the zone. I was crushing it, achieving God-tier levels of drink-making. While in the middle of doing so, I try to take a young lady’s order.
She says, “Um excuse me, you owe my friend a drink.” While I was still busy doing my thing, I asked, “Why?” to which she replied, “Because you got my friend wet.” Apparently there was a residual splash from one of the drinks I was making a little while back, nothing big. I knew what I had to do to put her in her place.
Without skipping a beat, I said, “Yeah, her and every girl who’s ever been in here.” I then turned away and carried on about my business. To this day, I’ve yet to experience that level of overwhelming self-satisfaction in my life. The girl didn’t even respond or try to order from me again. She knew she had been owned.
32. Hiring for Dummies
At work at our small company, I was in a somewhat heated discussion with my bosses about why things kept going wrong. They’d been asking us to this somewhat complicated stuff, but they kept on hiring people who were really under-qualified for the job, and then they kept getting confused about why it would all fall apart.
So during this meeting, the upper management said something to the effect of, “Why does this keep happening, it’s idiot proof.” I replied sharply, “Well, we need to stop hiring new idiots to test if that’s true.” I worked at a small enough company and was good enough at my job that this didn’t even get me fired.
33. Third Time’s the Charm
When I was a kid, probably under 10 years old, my dad’s best friend announced that he was getting married to his current girlfriend. This would be his third marriage, and I was vaguely aware of that. In fact, his love life had kind of given me the impression that marriages weren’t really that big of a deal or that permanent.
I asked him if I was invited to the wedding, and he said “No honey, it’s adults only.” So I innocently replied to him, “That’s okay, I’ll just come to the next one.” I had no idea what I was implying, I just knew that this guy got married a lot. The best thing is, he actually did divorce his third wife, so 10-year-old me ended up being totally right.
34. Going Solo
In class, I was the nerdy, five-foot-tall shy girl, and I was constantly getting paired with struggling or misbehaving kids to “help them.” On this occasion, it was two popular guys in English class. One was your typical, 2000s-era comic-book jock, the other was a class clown who just didn’t know when to stop or when to actually study.
Together, they unanimously agreed to do nothing. The entire time, they just made fun of our classmates while I made the world’s ugliest word cloud and tried my best. I guess I had an epiphany at that point, because for the first time in my 15 years of life, I decided “screw this” and went to tell the teacher that they were being lazy jerks and I’d rather just do it solo.
It took a hot minute before jokester realized I’d even left, and when he pointed it out, the jock stood up looking ready to Hulk out of his low riders. The jock stood up and said, “What are you tattling on us for? It’s not like we’ve done anything”. And I replied, “Yeah, that’s kind of the point.” Then I just walked out of the completely silent class.
At the time, I was so used to being teased that I fully expected him to throw a chair at me on the way out. He didn’t, and apparently I looked so cool it gave me some accidental street cred my nerdy self was 100% eager to roll with.
35. Sit Down and Shut up
I’m generally not a very confrontational person, but one time I went off on my friend’s uncle. I’m a girl, and the three of us were drinking, having a good time, but the uncle started interrupting me every time I would try to talk, saying something like “Hey, the men are talking!” At first I thought it was funny, but he kept doing it.
He did it maybe a third time, at which point I crossed my arms and gave him the evil eye. He apologized, but I decided to drag it out, saying sarcastically, “Oh, no, I want to hear what you have to say. Must be pretty important if you have to interrupt me three times in a row. Please, continue. I mean, you’d have to be a real jerk to interrupt someone three times if you have nothing to say. Actually, let me sit down, I’m going to brace myself, because I imagine this is going to blow me away.” He didn’t interrupt me anymore.
36. To Each Their Own
One of my co-workers, who happened to be gay, was struggling with a frustrating piece of equipment. I asked her why she didn’t just do it a certain way that I thought was easier. She growled, “I don’t know. I just really love making things harder.” Without thinking, I quipped back, “Then why are you a lesbian?!” She almost fell on the floor, she was laughing so hard. She repeated the joke to everyone else the rest of the day.
37. Right on Cue
I was in an acting class in college, and we were doing a scene where a couple was having a big drawn-out fight. Multiple pairs went through the scene, and I studied it pretty hard, so I knew all the lines. We’re about halfway through our performance when my partner clearly forgets what her line is. And because everyone was doing that scene, they could tell she had forgotten as well.
Her next line was supposed to be “Well, I’m sorry I asked!” I’m not usually a quick thinker on my feet, but I just filled the second or two of awkward silence with “I bet you’re sorry you asked, huh?” and continued on with my lines. The class and professor loved it and all laughed. Probably the only quick-witted thing I’ve ever done in my life.
38. Justice Is Served
When I was a broke college student, a wealthy older lawyer hit my car. No damage to his, but mine was crumpled, and I spent all of my money at the time keeping it on the road at the time. I was going literally 7 mph in a parking lot and he was entirely at fault. We exchanged insurance information, and I had to get a rental car until mine was fixed. This is where my trouble started.
He dodged the insurance calls for about two weeks, forcing me to pay out of pocket for the rental, about $600 of which I definitely didn’t have. I knew this guy was a jerk and a snooty lawyer—my dad is a court attorney and knew of him. So while I never used this flex before, I finally had to ask my dad to call him and talk some lawyer at him.
15 minutes later, I get a call that the insurance will go forward. Fast forward like eight years, and I’m waitressing and bartending at a swanky lounge where a Chamber of Commerce event is going on. It was just for local business people to rub elbows and network. Well, this same lawyer jerk is there and really feeling himself and charming the room.
He orders a drink from me and then stops and says, “Hey, miss, do I know you?” So I came back loudly with, “Well not really, but you hit my car in a parking lot a few years ago when I was a broke college student and stuck me with the bill. Do you want to open a tab for the drink or close out now?” He did not open a tab.
39. This One Is Fire
This boy at my middle school thought he was all that, and he picked on me a lot. So one day he was telling the class “Yeah, I’m going to go home and cuddle with a girl by the fire and watch a movie.” I had enough of this kid, so I said immediately, “Yeah, moms are pretty great.” The kid never picked on me again.
40. Smoked Her
I was on a holiday in Bulgaria with my parents when I was like seven, and they started chatting with another couple at the next table during dinner. I thought this couple was annoying, but my parents were happy they had someone to talk to, and they ended up inviting them to our table. The lady sat next to me, and after a while she asked me, “Would it bother you if I smoke?”
My answer was, “Lady, it wouldn’t even bother me if you were burning.” Seven years old……and apparently a huge jerk.
41. Age Before Beauty Burns
One day, I was with friends at a movie theater. Although I don’t remember the film, it must have been something that appealed to teenagers, because even though we weren’t that old we were definitely the oldest people watching the movie, like by far. Unsurprisingly, the rest of the audience were kind of annoying.
While waiting for the previews to start, someone in the back makes a noise. Then someone repeats the noise; then, two more…and so on, because they are all immature little jerks. So I said out loud, “Jeez, this is getting old.” When it all quieted down, a youngish person a couple rows behind me said, “So are you.” Touche, you little jerk.
42. The Pick-up Artist
This is the story of how my grandparents went on their first date, and it involves the greatest comeback ever. My grandpa was working at a sub shop at the register. My grandma was in line, and they had kind of met a few times in passing before. So she gets up to the register, and my grandfather starts trying to flirt with her.
Except, well, the way my grandpa flirts is to make fun of people, apparently. So he says cheekily, “How’d you get through life looking so ugly?” And my grandma replies without missing a beat, “I don’t know, but you’ve been doing it longer than I have.” They went on a date, and they’ve been happily married ever since.
43. Smarter Than They Look
My work had a huge problem where our colleagues in other departments were being lazy and pretending they “didn’t understand computers” so they wouldn’t even have to try learning. It was a huge issue and we trying to figure out what to do with them and how to reprimand them. During a discussion about this, I said, “You know, when a dumb customer calls us and asks stupid questions, he pays us to be allowed to be dumb. These co-workers don’t have the same excuse.”
44. A Man of Few Words
I was on my motorcycle in traffic, on a wet overpass with short jersey walls. The guy behind me was driving a bit too fast and slammed on his brakes, sliding into me as he did so. There was no damage as he was going slow enough to jut touch and push me about five feet before finally coming to a stop. The angle also had me going straight forward so I didn’t fall.
Still, had it been much faster, I would have been thrown over the edge and a careened toward a gruesome end. So obviously I was…not happy. I turned off the engine, got off the bike, and slowly walked over to the driver who hit me. It was only a few feet, and when he saw me coming to him, he furiously started raising his manual window.
I could see him struggling to pump the winder. When I got there, I just knocked on his window, pointed at him, and turned around and walked away. He looked terrified. I didn’t think about it until later, but it must have been a scary sight. A guy you just hit who is wearing a black helmet, with shaded visor, black heavy thick jacket, black heavy riding pants, black thick and metal studded gloves, and black leather boots. Then he knocks on your window and points at you for being a supreme idiot. I had no idea, I just wanted to talk to him.
45. The Fast and the Furious
Back in high school, I was a slow, fat kid, and gym class was horrible. One day for PE, we had to jog along the beach, have a swimming lesson, then jog back. I was the last one back to the school grounds, and the gym teacher was standing at the school gate. He told me that because I was too slow, he was going to lock the gate and I’d have to jog to the next one that was close by.
Instead of crumpling, I told him that if he locked me out of school, I would tell the principal and see what happened. He let me in straight away. I kind of wished he had called my bluff.
46. Act Your Age
I had an older lady road rage me after I pulled into a parallel space in front of a police department. She apparently didn’t see me or was already angry at that point, and ended up rear-ending me while going at a really slow pace. But she wasn’t done! She backed out, drove up the street, turned around, and then smashed into me head on, screeching the entire time.
Well, she didn’t think about where she was doing this. The officers came out in time to see her smash me that second time. I got out all shaky-legged, wide-eyed and scattered. An officer came and helped me get up the curb, while another was pulling the woman out of her vehicle. She was screaming about young people being bad drivers, and screaming at me for being a “disrespecting millennial.”
I replied, “Ma’am, I may be a millennial, but at least I won’t be detained for child endangerment.” See, there was another thing she didn’t realize: My four-year-old was also in the car with me. I’m not that ashamed to admit that I called her a whole bunch of awful words after that, but she did endanger my child and I was absolutely furious.
The entire time, the officer was just chuckling at me and mildly telling me to watch my language. She was screaming back, and she was practically purple she was so angry. I still wasn’t over it weeks later, so I went to her court date. She lost her license permanently had to do 80 hours of anger management, 120 hours of community service, and was credited for three days behind bars. She was 84, and quite a piece of work.
47. What Are Friends for?
A friend of mine was trash-talking me while we were all bowling. Off the cuff, I yelled at him, “You’re adopted! Your parents don’t even like you!” He laughed, but I didn’t really realize what I’d done. Three hours later, it hit me and I turned around and said, “Oh my God, you are adopted, I completely forgot! I’m so sorry dude.” He just thought it made the whole situation even funnier.
A “popular” girl who definitely had no interest in me once jokingly asked me out to prom in front of the whole class. I knew she was just trying to ridicule me—so I gave her a brutal taste of her own medicine. Without a moment’s hesitation, I said, “No thanks Lauren, I have standards.” The whole class and the teacher lost it.
49. Let’s Table This Discussion
I’ll never forget the moment a family walked into the local pub I was working at. This big king-of-the-grill bald alpha patriarch Dad type and his wife and kids came through. I said “Welcome, where would you like to sit?” and he snapped back, “Well, a table would be nice” all gruff and don’t mess with me. But I had the perfect reply.
Without missing a beat at all, I replied, “Actually, we usually sit on the chairs here.” I’ll never forget the satisfaction of that moment or the look on his face.
50. A Tall Order
I was pretty tall from a young age, tall enough that I was bigger than my aunt when I was at the age of about nine or 10. We were joking around before a trip out to a restaurant, and I was saying what I wanted to eat. She teasingly said, “Children should be seen and not heard.” My response made her burst out laughing.
I swiftly responded with, “Adults should be taller than children.” In fact, we still laugh about it to this day.
51. The Fast and the Farcical
I was riding in a car with one of my buddies and he was way over the speed limit on a pretty empty county highway. To give you some idea, he was going 90ish with a 55 mph limit. Well, suddenly we hear a patrol car behind us and we pull over. The officer walks up to the window and says in a country accent with a grin on his face, “Boy, I’ve been waiting for you all day.”
The driver of the car, my friend, didn’t even hesitate for a second before he retorted: “Sorry officer, I got here as fast as I could.” The officer was in tears for the next 20 seconds, laughing uncontrollably. My friend got off with a warning and the officer told him that was the first time anyone had made him laugh that hard while he was on duty.
52. Fun With Dick and Jane
Here’s my favorite self-burn. In high school math class, there was this nice, nerdy guy named Richard. The jerk of the class, let’s call him John, keeps calling Richard “Dick.” Like, “Hey, Dick, did you get the answer to #4?” Richard keeps calmly saying “It’s Richard.” Finally, the teacher says, “Richard, what do you prefer to be called?”
Richard says, “I prefer Richard.” John says, “Well, I prefer Dick.” After a few seconds of uproarious laughter from the rest of the class, John realized what he said and sunk as far down into his seat as possible and never bugged Richard again. We were teenagers in the 80s, so this really was the height of hilarity in class.
53. Don’t Blame Me, I’m Your Son
In a heated argument, my mom called my brother a “son of a [bleep].” He replied, “You got that right.”
54. Keeping Him in Suspense
I was at a friend’s place with a lot of people who I didn’t really know too well. We were all having a few beers. Suddenly, this dude from across the table says to me, quite aggressively, that my suspenders were ugly and that they made me look like I was trying too hard—which, to be fair, I was. But I still dealt him a crushing blow.
Without skipping a beat, I stood up, unclipped my suspenders, and put them in my pocket. When I sat down, I looked straight into his eyes and replied, “Now let’s talk about that face tattoo of yours.”
55. Not My Type
A friend of mine in first-year university had never really dated any girls yet. This dumb meathead who we were kind of friends with told him one day, “When you do get a girlfriend, I’m totally going to sleep with her.” The guy absolutely slayed him. He responded, “If I had a girlfriend who would sleep with you, her cheating on me wouldn’t be the issue.”
56. Family Rude
I still think about this comeback to this day. I have two little brothers, and it was my dad’s birthday, so the semi-extended family was all at a restaurant to celebrate. I had just graduated from my dad’s alma mater, and my middle brother was currently a junior there. However, my youngest brother, a freshman, had opted to go to a state school.
At one point my uncle said, “So [youngest brother], how does your dad feel about you breaking the trend of men going to the alma mater?” My little brother thought about it for a moment and then said, “Well, he probably doesn’t mind, considering I also broke the trend of not being able to get higher than a 3.0.”
The table absolutely exploded in laughter and whooping. My other brother and I just stared at each other across the table, like oh my god, did we just get crushed? It’s especially funny because my little brother was one of those shy high school kids who went off to college and then suddenly came back fun and socially confident.
I was hoping that development would happen, I just never expected it to stab me in the face.
57. Do I Know You?
I witnessed this exchange between two of my friends when they were having a fight. My one friend yelled, “Everyone thinks you’re a jerk!” Without batting an eyelash, the other one replied, “Well, you know what everyone thinks about you? Nothing. No one ever thinks about you. I know I don’t.” Welp, points to my second friend.
58. Belt It out, Granny
My dear grandmother. She had a quick and savage wit. My fiancé and I held a “meet the whole family” get-together at my house. It was the first time his father met my grandmother. His dad was a large, physically intimidating man with a beer gut. He began telling stories to my grandmother about how my fiancé was a mischief-maker when he was young.
He then told my grandmother how he would take off his belt and whip him for being bad. My frail little grandmother stares directly at my husband’s dad’s tummy and says, “Your belt? However could you find it?” Future father-in-law was gobsmacked.
59. *Chef’s Kiss*
When I saw this one, I never forgot it. Gordon Ramsay asks his daughter on-camera, “So what’s it like being the daughter of the most famous chef in the world?” His daughter replies, “I wouldn’t know; Jamie Oliver’s not my dad.” Boom. Roasted.
60. Cutting His Teeth
I was once criticized by an older family member for having a stray tooth that gave me a bit of a craggy smile as an adolescent. I was raised to not criticize what people can’t help and to give compliments where possible, so I did just that…sort of. Aunt: “Nice crocodile smile!” Me: “Uh, thanks…” I thought’s she’d stop, but nope.
Aunt: “It’s just that tooth, you know, makes your smile all crooked but it’s not that bad. You could get it fixed.” Me: “I suppose, but I know I’ll never have teeth as nice as yours are. They are like stars.” Aunt: “Like stars? You mean as in bright? Me: No, as in they come out at night.” My uncle had once given me a book called 1001 Insults for Every Occasion, and that gem was in it.
61. A Boy Only a Mother Could Love
When I was in middle school many years ago, a guy was teasing an awkward kid about not being able to get girls, being “gay,” and never being able to get laid. Another guy spoke up and said, “Dude, you ain’t had a woman since a woman had you.” The entire class and the teacher started laughing. The original guy shut the heck up.
62. Something’s Fishy
The cafeteria lunch lady got me in front my whole class. That day, we were having tuna fish for lunch. I was upset at this option, and said,” Tuna fish? I’d rather have a poop sandwich!” Without missing a beat, this 80-year-old lady fires back, “Wait right there, I’ll go make you one in the back.” Needless to say, I went with the tuna.
63. The Language of Burn
These girls in an elevator were insulting a black guy in another language that they thought he didn’t understand. In Hindi I think, they were specifically commenting on his “ugly black face.” Apparently, the guy waited until the elevator reached his floor. He then looked at them and in perfect Hindi said, “Better to have an ugly face than an ugly heart,” and left.
64. The Winds of Change
When I was seven, I was at a crowded McDonald’s near Disneyland. I tried to squeeze through the really long line that was waiting to order food and I accidentally bumped into this woman with her two kids. She turned to me and said in her most sarcastic and accusing voice, “Well excuuuuse me.” My seven-year-old self responded with the most hilarious thing I could think of.
“Why, did you fart?” A few people in line laughed and I continued on my way. She did not look pleased to be told off by a seven-year-old. To this day, I have no idea why I said it, but I’m really glad I did.
65. Table Talk
I was sitting in a bar at 3 AM off of Bourbon St. in New Orleans. The windows of the bar were just open shutters, and a dude who just left the bar leans in on our table to shout at some friends who were still in the bar. When he does this, one of the people in our group makes a sill, snide comment about him in an offhand way.
The dude leaning in then smacks the table with an open palm and says, “Everybody who ever loved you was wrong.” He walked away without looking back. It was all said in the good-natured camaraderie that can only be accomplished by drunks at 3 AM, and all of us just howled with laughter. We still revel in that story.
66. Sass in Stereo
The president of a company I worked for a few years back has the best story about his mom. She was a school teacher and didn’t have a lot of money, but she had saved meticulously and purchased a Cadillac using cash. A stipulation of the sale was that she did absolutely not want the stock speakers in the vehicle; she wanted a good sound system.
But looking down on her car after picking it up, she could see into the rear window and noticed immediately that the speakers were definitely stock. She returned to the dealership the next day to confront the salesman. For whatever reason, this guy copped a serious attitude and claimed that she hadn’t asked for higher-grade speakers. She gave a classic response.
Totally deadpan, she goes, “Why don’t you go get me your boss. I know you have a boss.” She returned the vehicle and purchased one from a separate dealership.
67. Can’t Touch This
I had a popular girl ask me on the school bus if I was gay. All her friends were waiting in anticipation to laugh at my response, and I was worried I was going to blank on a comeback and not be able to save myself from the embarrassment. Thankfully, my brain came up with: “I’d like to think I could do a lot better than you if I was.”
68. This Comeback Gets an A
During my university days, I ran into an acquaintance of mine as I was holding a Green Lantern graphic novel. This acquaintance was with his girlfriend, and when he introduced me to her, THE FIRST THING she says to me while shaking my hand was, “Aren’t comic books for kids?” My instant response shocked even me.
I replied “Aren’t those A-cups for kids?” Honestly, I was so flabbergasted that someone I had just met would say that to me that I replied on instinct. Still my greatest comeback ever.
69. Class Is in Session
I was playing spades one time and a guy tried to lead the game off with a spade. I told him he couldn’t do that; spades have to be broken first. He refused to play by the rules, so I refused to play. He then started singing, “The wheels on the bus go round and round,” to imply that I was acting like a child. He asked me, “Do you know why I’m singing that?”
I said, “Yeah, ‘cause I’m taking you to school.”
70. You Are What You Snark
I was in first grade and we were on the bus about to go home. Suddenly some mean dude yelled at me for no reason, laughing and saying, “Hey, why are you so gay!?” I just replied, “Because I like to copy you!” The entire bus broke out into one long “Oooh.” Even the kid behind me high-fived me. Later in seventh grade, I figured out I was gay sooo, checkmate.
71. Schooling the Teacher
My science teacher assigned a really hard test where almost everyone failed. We all complained and she responded with, “Someone got a 93%, so it’s not impossible.” Then this one kid in the back said, “The answer key doesn’t count, Miss.”
72. Revenge of the Nerd
One day in class, the teacher asked a difficult question, and one of the nerds gave her the correct answer. From out of nowhere, this girl in the back started making fun of him for being a nerd. The teacher scolded her, saying “Be nice, he could be your boss someday.” The nerd just shrugged and said, “It’s okay, I have no interest in being a pimp, anyway.”
73. A Man of Few Disses
For years, I was told that my comeback was the best thing that anybody had ever heard, mostly because I was the quiet kid who nobody could get a rise out of. Naturally, because they couldn’t get a rise out of me, everybody tried to get me flustered by insulting me, or framing me for things that no teacher ever believed because it was never the quiet kid.
Well, I walked into class one day and the teacher wasn’t there. Instead this other girl, Sue, was up at the whiteboard writing out a long-running joke about our teacher that made him angry. It was about his assigned teacher number, and it had become a bit of an inside joke. Either way, I sat down, she finished, and the teacher came in, noticing what was written on the board.
He asked who did it, and immediately this girl and a few of the girls around her said that I did it. We were about 15 years old at the time, so they should have been beyond this. I don’t know what it was, but something made me wordlessly walk up to the board, fix her spelling and punctuation errors in the joke, and then sit down.
Only when I had sat down did I turn to the girl who’d done it and say, “It wasn’t me; I have standards.” The class collectively lost their minds, including the girls who hadn’t seen it coming, and the teacher laughed so hard he went red in the face and cried. Obviously, it was great, but the fact that I was usually silent made it that much better.
74. Sympathy for the Devil
Crotchety old bat from my grandparents’ church: “Why can’t you be more like Michael, he’s such an angel.” Me, a 15-year-old intellectual who knew Michael did things that would straighten the perm out of her hair: “If you’d actually read the Bible, you’d know Satan was an angel too.” The look on her face was priceless.
75. An Unexpected Burn
The guy who picked on me in high school was tiny. Like under 5’ tall. Meanwhile, I was 6’3″ tall at the time so he would always pick on me, throw stuff at my head, push me around, stuff like that. I never fought back because I hate aggression, even though I had so much heft on him and totally could have put him in his place.
Anyway, one day we were in a class together when the class went on lock down. It wasn’t a drill, but we were told the campus wasn’t in danger either. So, jokingly, I said “I know why we’re locked down, maybe the zombie apocalypse started.” The dude immediately replies, “You idiot, zombies aren’t real.” So I shot back something that made him shut up entirely.
“Yeah well, we didn’t think hobbits were real, but you’re standing here, aren’t you?” The best part was that after that, he lunged at me and got in trouble.
76. Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself
My former friend was 12 years my senior and she was super into herself, just really vain. The weirdest part was, she was OK, but I doubt anyone was losing sleep over her. For one, she dressed waaaaaay too young, trying to hold on to her youth. One day, she pointed out that I was overweight and dumpy-looking next to her.
I’d finally had enough, since she made these comments often, and I said, “Well what about you?” “Excuse me?!” she snapped, “I have the body of a 22-year-old!” I couldn’t help it. I had to smash her. “Well give it back,” I replied, “You’re stretching it out.”
77. A Home Run
My buddies and I were in college and walking back from a bar fairly late in the evening. While we walked, a homeless man kept annoyingly hounding us about giving him some money. He followed us a block or so and then exclaimed, “Oh, so you’re too cool to give me money. Where do you think you’re going, ignoring me like that?”
My buddy roasted him with a single word. He looks back and says “HOME!” It took us a minute to realize how vicious his reply was. Still talk about it to this day, and I actually still feel a bit bad about it.
78. This Story Is Rated PG-13
My sister was 13 years old at the time. She was fighting with my little brother, who is three years older than her, and he was being aggressive and mean. Suddenly, she clearly yells from across the house, “I’d call you a dick but you’re so fake you’re a dildo!” My mom and I were together in the kitchen, just dumbstruck.
My mom yells at her, “GO TO YOUR ROOM!” My sister goes upstairs, but my mom has tears in her eyes, choking back laughter. We both were like, “Where did she learn that?!” I told EVERYONE I knew at the time. I called it The Sickest Burn of all Time. It’s still so beautiful, and I still have no idea where she got it from.
79. Mirror, Mirror
In fourth grade, I was obsessed with mirrors. My mom knew this and let me take her little compact mirror she used to apply lipstick to school with me. A mean guy on the playground approached me with his friends because they wanted to use the ball I was playing with. He told me to give him the ball. I said no firmly.
He then said I was ugly, and all of his friends did the whole “Ohhhh, oooooooh” sound. So, I asked him “What’s uglier than ugly?” He said “What?” I opened the mirror and showed him his reflection and he stood there, not knowing what to say. Then one of his friends got the joke and started cracking up. One by one, everyone else understood until everyone was laughing.
The aggressor still didn’t understand it, though, and two or three of his friends had to explain it to him. To this day, I’ve never seen somebody’s face turn as red as his did. He never bothered me again. Even better, his friends later became my friends.
80. After Me the Flood, Betches
I was in Paris with a couple of friends on the subway. I did not speak any French, only a little Spanish, but my friend was practically fluent. We were talking and joking in English, and these two French women were apparently talking smack about us in French, mostly about us being gross and dumb Americans, all that.
So as we left the subway, my friend smiled and told them in perfect French: “We’re going to go get cleaned up, too bad there’s no shower for your personality!”
81. A Hairy Situation
When I was a 19-year-old jerk, I got my friend pretty good. A bunch of us were all hanging out, drinking and talking. I was in college and the time and doing homework on the couch, so I wasn’t paying a lot of attention while one of my friends was telling a story. He’d been telling it for a few minutes when I heard him share a detail about being 13 and having just started growing hair down there.
I hadn’t said anything the entire time, but without thinking I looked up and loudly said, “What the heck? It took you that long?” This was followed by immediate laughter from the entire group. His face went beet red, and he didn’t even finish the rest of his story. Felt bad about that one later, but at the time I lived to embarrass my friends.
82. Knight in Black Armor
This was in seventh grade. I basically had no friends except for this girl named Carla, who was this completely asinine pompous with who was proud of her “evil” and tyrannical attitude. That day, there was a substitute teacher who couldn’t care less about what was going on in the class. Everyone was talking, being middle schoolers, until Carla and I started arguing.
Suddenly, the entire class shut up to listen in, even the substitute teacher. All I remember is her saying to me, “I could think of a thousand things wrong with you.” It wasn’t me who made the amazing comeback to this—it was actually the hot, black-sheep bad boy of the school, who spoke up from the back corner.
He just says, “You know what’s really sad, Carla, is that you can think of a thousand things wrong with everything here, but not one thing wrong with yourself.” Pretty sure I blushed for at least a full minute and a half.
83. People in Glass Houses…
I was 20 and home visiting from school. While I was there, a former flame and I were planning a weekend together. We’d booked a hotel downtown and everything. Well, just beforehand I was having lunch with my mom, my sister, and her boyfriend at the time, who she is now married to. My sister is three years older than me.
I mentioned my weekend plans to my family, and my sister makes a judgemental face and says something to my mom to the effect of, “How can you let her spend a weekend at a hotel with a man she’s not even in a relationship with?” Before my mom could respond, I replied—in front of everyone—”I’m sorry, which one of us lost her virginity at 14? Because it sure as heck wasn’t me.”
That shut her up pretty fast.
84. Competitive Caring
The greatest comeback I ever heard was delivered by my uncle. He was sick in the hospital and declining from lymphoma. His ex-wife and current girlfriend were both visiting and seemed to be a little competitive with each other. The doctor came in to take his vitals, so he ordered the two women out of the room for a few minutes.
They had been fluffing his pillow, filling his ice water, covering his feet with a blanket, making sure he had books to read, etc. Basically, both were using their nervous energy to dote on him. After they left the room, the doctor proceeded to check my uncle’s vitals. The doctor asked, “Are you experiencing any pain or discomfort?”
My uncle replied, “Nope, they just left.”
85. I Now Pronounce You Man and Snipe
My ex-husband, let’s call him John Smith, was hurling nasty names at me as I was packing up my stuff to leave him. For what it’s worth, I’d caught him cheating. He was calling me every horrible name he could think of. So I said, “Is that the best you can come up with? The worst thing I’VE ever been called is Mrs. Smith!” Best. Thing. Ever.
86. Lies Are Contagious
When my ex and I broke up, he told me that one of the reasons for the split was because he “Didn’t like dating someone who was smarter than him.” There were other reasons we broke up as well, but this one really stuck with me. A few months later, a night of bad decisions leads to us hooking up. We then don’t talk for weeks…until he sent me a text that made my blood run cold.
“Yow gave me an STD.” I was stunned. I informed him I couldn’t have given him anything because I had been tested a week before we hooked up and hadn’t been with anyone else in the last two months. He continues to accuse me, but eventually admits it might be one of the other people he’s slept with that month.
He goes on to accuse a series of women in the same manner he accused me. But then his web of lies really unraveled. Turns out, he had a girlfriend he was cheating on—I didn’t know—and his girlfriend said she was now showing symptoms of an STD. When I asked what she had, because I clearly needed to get tested, he couldn’t tell me because she refused to tell him.
Meanwhile, his girlfriend is running her mouth around town telling people this is all my fault. So I go to the doctor and get tested for everything and wait. Eventually, my ex texts me: His girlfriend has a mild yeast infection. Apparently, she didn’t know that they aren’t an STD, and given the timeline, there’s no way I could have given or gotten one anyway.
When he texts me to tell me this, all I texted back was: “When you said that you didn’t want to date a girl who was smarter than you, I didn’t realize how serious you were…”
87. Burn Ward: WWII Edition
This is still one of the best comebacks I’ve heard. A few years ago, I was having a beer with a group of mates, one of whom is Dutch (Marc), and another is German (Klaus). We had been drinking domestic Australian beer when someone arrived with a case of Heineken. Klaus the German takes one, opens it, has a swig.
Then, giving Marc the cheeky side eye, says, “Finally, a decent German beer.” Marc says, “Heineken is Dutch, not German.” Without pausing, Klaus replies “It was in 1942.”
88. Animal Instinct
The only comeback I’ve ever had the pleasure of making myself was at a Walgreens. I was behind some witch in line who was generally trying to make the cashier’s job a living nightmare. She was berating the girl, insisting she’d been given the incorrect amount of change, etc. The poor girl behind the counter was just trying to be nice and get through a single bad customer.
After the woman said something about “The worst help I’ve ever had,” I just replied, “Hey, give the lady a break.” Not overtly hostile, but the customer still turned to me and sneered, “Why don’t you mind your own business?” With all the quick-thinking I could muster, I just responded “Lady, I’m a veterinarian. [W]itches are my business.”
The few amassed customers and the cashier looked like they were going to lose it. The lady gave me a glare that could chill bones, but she decided to just ignore me for the rest of her transaction. Nonetheless, she hightailed it out of that Walgreens as fast as she could. In hindsight, I’m pretty lucky she didn’t escalate the conflict.
89. Too Hot to Handle
I was out one time with a very good friend of mine, some friends, and their friends. Anyway, it just happened that these two very nice-looking girls were left with me and my friend while the rest of the others were getting drinks and food. We all just did the usual small talk and then it tapered off. Seemed like those “hot” girls weren’t interested in us regular-looking guys.
So after about five minutes of uncomfortable silence and ho humming, one of the girls looks around says out loud to the other girl, making sure we hear it as well: “I wonder where all the good-looking guys are at?” I instantly thought they were scum, but my friend already had some self-esteem issues and he just started to hang his head slowly and slouch.
Without missing a beat I retorted, “They’re probably with all the good-looking girls.” My friend got the widest grin I had ever seen, and I obviously had a smirk on my face too. The two “hot” girls made “humph” sound and excused themselves, never to be seen again.
90. Bald and Bold
I heard this from my brother, who witnessed this after a night out a couple of years ago. On typical Saturday night, a drunk guy with red hair was standing in a long taxi line talking trash and generally being a total jerk to everyone around him just to impress his lady friend for the evening. The people in line tried to ignore him for a good amount of time, but eventually they were pretty fed up with this ginger moron.
The jerk eventually started talking to a bald guy in front him, saying something like, “I see you weren’t the first guy in line when they handed out hair.” Just awful. But we didn’t have to worry. The bald guy perfectly answered, “You’re quite right about that, but when I finally reached the end of the line, they only had ginger hair left—so I didn’t even bother.”
The whole line started laughing, and the red-headed guy finally shut up.
91. The Ultimate Dad Joke
A guy I knew was using a dirty pickup line on this really hot girl. Her father overheard and told him to move on. My friend quickly said, “Sorry dude, but your daughter is freaking hot.” The girl’s dad replied: “Well, bring your mom over and I’ll make you one just like her.”
92. Kiss off
Me and my friend were in a movie theater bathroom peeing. He always likes to try and make me feel uncomfortable in public places, so he says loudly, “What’s wrong with your junk man? It has a red ring around it. You should get it checked out.” Without missing a beat, I go “Yeah, it’s your mother’s lipstick.” Dumbstruck silence from my friend, while the man next to us is shaking with laughter. But that’s not even the best part.
As we leave the bathroom, we walk past the guy and he’s telling his friends what I’d said. It was very rewarding.
93. I Drink Your Milkshake
I was at a local sandwich shop on my lunch break one day. While I was eating, a man in his 20s came up to me (a male) and said hello. I kindly responded back with a hello, to which he said, “You look really sharp.” I was wearing slacks, a dress shirt, and tie. I thanked him for the compliment, but he wasn’t done.
He said, “I don’t normally do this, but I figured I might as well give it a shot. Would you like to ever go out to dinner with me sometime?” Me, being the heterosexual male I am, just said, “Thank you for the compliment, but no thank you.” He said okay and walked out, leaving me to finish my sandwich. I thought that was the end…it wasn’t.
One thing about this sandwich shop is it’s right next to a high school, so high schoolers frequent it at lunch time, and this day was no different. As I finish my sandwich, I proceed to walk out. Next to the exit is a group of three guys from the local school, and as I pass, one of them looks up at me, snickers, and calls me a name, I think you can guess what.
Now, how do you react to a 15-year-old punk calling you that? You certainly can’t lecture them, because it will just go in one ear and out another. You can’t yell at them, because it makes you look their age. What should I do? Without even thinking, I turned around, looked at his sandwich, grabbed it, and took a huge bite.
I chewed it slowly, put it back on his plate, and walked away, not saying a word. His face was priceless; just a blank stare at his plate with a gaping mouth. All his two friends could muster out through their wheezing laughs was, “Oh my goooood.” The kid never said a word. I never turned around. I just walked back to my car and left.
94. No Hi, Mark
A guy from my office building is sort of “special,” and he talks to himself a lot, but not much to other people. One day, a co-worker of mine asked, “Talking you yourself again, Kenny?” and then laughed stupidly. Without skipping a beat, Kenny replied, “Better than talking to you, Mark,” and just kept walking down the hallway with no other response.
95. Chew on This
My old secondary school in Belfast was essentially run by Catholic priests. Most of the teachers were regular people, but there were still priests everywhere. They were mostly teaching things like English, Religion, and Music. One day, our regular music teacher doesn’t show up for class. Our music rooms were filled with all sorts of expensive equipment (keyboards, drums, etc.), so we couldn’t really be left alone.
One of the priests was watching us, and as we didn’t have much to do, he was mostly chatting with us. Now, there was one kid there called Daniel who was a bit of an idiot anyway, and today he was busy chewing some gum. The priest ordered him to remove it immediately because it was against the school’s decorum rules.
Daniel obliged by pulling it out of his mouth, then sticking it under the desk in an act of defiance. He then licked his fingers. The priest in question marched over to the desk, leaned down, and said something I never expected a Catholic priest to say: “Finger licking good…just like your sister!” We all lost our minds.
96. Smart-Phone Mouth
I was once in a hotel elevator headed down to the lobby. I took out my phone to get directions to the bar where I was meeting my friends. A woman in the elevator, who was part of a group of people I didn’t know, sneered at my phone and said, “Ugh, I hate technology.” To which I replied, “Then why aren’t you taking the stairs?”
Her friends erupted in laughter and she was completely destroyed.
97. Nothing But Net
My brother is two years older than me. When I was a sophomore in high school and he was a senior, we played on the Varsity soccer team together. He was easily the best player in the league, hands down. Every team game planned around stopping him, and they still couldn’t. He was for sure going to be MVP of the league.
The best part is, he never ran his mouth. He never talked trash. So one day we’re in a tight game and there’s this huge jerk who plays for one of our rivals. This guy talking trash to my brother the whole time. Then the kid gets called for fouling my brother and we get a free kick. As the kid’s tracking back on defense, he says, “Taylor, you suck, you don’t deserve MVP.”
My brother just looks at him and has the coolest reply in the world. In his calmest voice he says, “Know what’s funny? You know who I am and I have no idea who you are.” My brother proceeded to score from the free kick.
98. Act Your Age
My first job was at a grocery store, where one day a drunk, middle-aged woman was very loudly flipping out on my boss about a minor error in her holiday seafood order. Naturally, her screams drew a crowd, and after minutes of yelling, my boss stopped being apologetic. Like, he really let her have it in front of everyone…
Lady: “You are about to learn that you do not MESS with a 54-year-old woman!” Boss: “54? What’s your daughter got to do with this?”
99. Measure for Measure
I’m proud of this moment in time. I was a senior in high school enjoying free time at some area-wide track meeting when I walk by a group of kids from another school. Out of the blue, some guy in the group calls over to me. This guy tosses a nickel in front of me and says, “Hey dude, give that to your mom for me.”
Me: “Huh?” Guy: “Don’t worry about it, just tell her it was for last night.” I finally cottoned on, and he got a few chuckles from his group. So I reply with an “Oh!” of recognition, smile, and pick up the nickel. I then reach into my pocket, pull out two pennies, and toss them at his feet. Me: “There you go.”
Guy, sarcastically: “Oh, is this for my mom?” Me: “Nah, that’s your change. My mom charges by the inch.”
100. Napoleon Complex
This short guy at Buffalo Wild Wings was drunk and talking trash about my brother for being tall (he’s 6’4″) for some reason. He was saying stuff like, “Oh, big tall man over here. Look at you, aren’t you special?” etc. My brother responded with, “Dude, I was your height. It wasn’t that great.”
101. If Looks Could Burn
At middle schools here in Southern Arizona, they do a simple “promotion ceremony” for kids graduating eighth grade to go into high school. It’s a stupid process. Public education here is a joke, so there’s no way you don’t get moved along to high school assuming you show up to class most of the time. But for some reason, some families treat it like it’s some combination of a wedding and college graduation.
We’re talking hundreds of dollars on elaborate dresses for 13-year-old girls, and little guys in ill-fitting tuxes. Well, my wife (obviously not at the time) wore jeans and a T-shirt to it because it’s a worthless ceremony. When she did, a bunch of girls in their pretty dresses came up to her, talking mad trash about how they couldn’t believe she looked like garbage, and how she was the only one not dressed up.
Without missing a beat, my wonderful wife says, “This isn’t the last graduation I’ll ever attend,” and walks away. I think some of these girls might have tried to fight her if they weren’t all done up in their dresses. Sure enough, many of those girls dropped out of high school to have kids and live less-than-enjoyable lives.
102. The Bread Winner
I was in line at a sub shop when a lady crammed up to the front and tossed a sub near the cash register. She was demanding money back for some reason. Anyways, when she made her approach, she pushed ahead of some dad-looking man who was in a suit, and got some of her sub mess on him. He was not pleased about it.
As she was getting her refund, the man calmly grabbed her credit card from her and tossed it out the door. She turned to him, and the conversation went as follows: “What’s wrong with you, don’t touch my property, I’ll have you detained!” So he says, “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you might enjoy a game of fetch. You know, because you’re a dog and all.”
To this day, I think about how cool and calm that guy was. A true hero. Even better, I don’t believe the man had to pay for his sub after that. The guy behind the counter sort of happily shooed him away when he attempted to pay after the lady went to pick up her card. But the dude still paid. Just left the money on the counter, thanked the guy, and walked out.
Didn’t ask for change or anything. Who tips in a sub shop? Well, apparently heroes.
103. Never Too Late to Learn
A woman in her mid-50s cut in front of me and my two-year-old daughter in line at a restaurant. I was in the middle of getting my daughter a cookie and was in a hurry as I was dealing with a two-year-old. So I snapped at the woman, “How is it that you’re 70 years old and you still don’t know how a line works?” She was gloriously silent.
104. Deal or No Deal
I heard this from a DJ in my home town. He’s pushing his cart of groceries out of the store and over to his car when a woman pulls into the handicapped spot in front of the store. No placard, no handicapped plates. She jumps out of the car without so much as a limp and heads into the store. He gives her some stink-eye about taking up a handicapped spot and she snarls, “Deal with it” as she sashays into the store.
The guy is now fuming. He sees a couple of officers who were leaning against their cars talking. They hadn’t seen it. So he goes over and tells them the story. They smile and say they’ll handle it. He puts his groceries in his car, and as he’s pushing his cart back to the store to put it in the rack, he sees the officers have blocked the lady’s car with theirs.
The lady comes out of the store with her purchase, sees the officers, and goes white as a sheet. He walks over to her and says, “I dealt with it.”
105. If the Shoe Fits
I worked at the shoe store Fayva, and we took back everything, no matter what. A stupid policy, but then again, Fayva isn’t in business anymore. One day, a woman walks in during Communion season, returning a pair of boys’ dress shoes she bought three days earlier. The kid must have played football in them after the ceremony—they were covered in mud, grease, and scuffmarks.
This was the ONE person I refused to refund my entire time there. She went crazy on me. Yelling, screaming, demanding a manager. So, my manager comes up behind me, and I just know he’s going to give this woman her money, and I know she’s going to smirk at me as she exits the store. I actually braced for it. Something even better happened.
Instead, my manager Mike walks up, takes one look at the shoes, and tells the woman “Nope.” She goes bananas on him now, telling him, “My son wore these shoes ONCE, to his communion, and they fell apart like this?” To which Mike calmly says: “Ma’am, it looks like your son wore these shoes to the Norman invasion.”
106. You Get What You Give
When I have a rude customer, I just watch their face after I tell them, “May the rest of the day be as pleasant as you are.”
107. Judging by the Cover
I was on my way home from work and stopped at a grocery store to get something to eat. I was wearing a really ratty and torn hoodie that I wear to work all the time. In front of me in line are two kinda-pretty girls. They are not-so-quietly talking trash about the cashier. One of them then turns to me, looks me up and down, and nudges her friend.
Pointing toward me, she says, “Looks like someone can’t afford nice things.” I looked her right in the face and in my most sincere voice said, “My dad gave me this sweatshirt the winter before he passed.” The girl looked horrified and immediately began to cry. I just walked away and got into another line. What a jerk.
108. See No Evil
I was in daycare as a child. I had very long hair that my dad always put into a ponytail, and there was a girl who would pull at this ponytail all the time. One day, we were doing a musical chairs thing at the end of the day while parents were picking us up. The girl was behind me and kept yanking my ponytail, while I kept telling her to stop.
The teacher “Didn’t see anything” so couldn’t do anything about it. There were a bunch of parents waiting for us to finish our game, my mom included. She was watching everything this entire time. The girl kept doing it and the teacher still “didn’t see it,” so I turned around and punched her as hard as I could.
The girl stumbled into the cubbies where we kept our coats. The teacher knew something had happened and tried to chastise me. My mom’s reply was legendary. She was like, “Nope. I didn’t see anything.” Didn’t even get in trouble.
109. Dracula Meets the Wolfman
My old manager was a monster. Belittled people, made a hostile environment, denied anything that would make coworkers happy while giving himself every comfort. He even denied me a half day to go to my mother’s funeral, adding, “Would it be a big deal if you couldn’t go?” He finally got fired, but he had to stick around to train the new manager…
So, in comes the new manager. Very well regarded, an Air Force veteran, and a humble guy who knew how to handle people. We have our first awkward team meeting, old manager bitterly in attendance. As the new manager is giving his “nice to meet you” speech, he sees the dude glaring around the table. And he shuts him down in the best way possible.
He stops talking, pauses for a few seconds, and then says, “You know, when I was in the Air Force, I learned that if you take care of your people, they’ll take care of you.” He then stared directly at the old manager and said, “And if you don’t take care of your people, they’ll take care of you.” What a freaking legend.
110. The Customer Is Always Right, Especially This Lady
I was out to eat, and this younger lady was acting like a total witch in the restaurant to the staff. Everyone was obviously getting really embarrassed by her behavior…until this middle-aged lady piped up and said from her table, “Oh honey, you’re not pretty enough to act like that.” I seriously could have burst out into applause.
111. Man Up
My uncles were complaining about my dad, so I walked into the conversation and told them it wasn’t polite to talk about people behind their backs. My uncle turned to me and said I shouldn’t interrupt when the men are speaking. Completely out of character, I replied, “I don’t see any men in here.” Boy did I get into trouble, but that’s how I knew I won.