No one has the power to embarrass us quite like our parents, but these experiences take “mortified” to the next level. From revealing outfits to public tantrums, these stories of embarrassing parents left us totally horrified—and we couldn’t look away!
1. Look Out, Here I Come!!!
My 350-pound mother streaked in front of my boyfriend and all of my friends for 100 bucks. I was only 16 years old at the time, but that unshakable image still haunts me to this day.
2. Give Her an Inch and She’ll Take a Foot
To preface this, I have to inform you that my mom has always had a way with words, so to speak—as in she doesn’t always know what a word means, but still goes on using it anyway. She also mispronounces things quite frequently, sometimes even in pretty comical ways. So I have this crazy, psychotic hatred of feet and have had it as a part of my life for as far back as I can remember.
I am not really sure why, but any time that feet are brought up around me, my mom never fails to openly tell whoever she is talking with to change the subject because I have “a foot fetish.” We have tried many times to explain to her what that actually means, yet she does not seem to get it and continues repeating this ridiculous claim to people that we know.
I am now 35 years old, and this thing has been going on for at least 25 years. It is kind of mortifying, to say the least. My two little brothers find it hilarious, and thus I am known among many in my family as “The Foot Lover.”
3. Director’s Cut Commentary
My mom went through this phase where she would talk out loud during movies, specifically about whatever is going on in the movie. She was also terrible at paying attention to what was going on, so often times what she was explaining was totally incorrect. In addition, she would try to talk over the movie. Mom would occasionally have to yell to make sure that she was being heard over the action scenes.
Imagine, if you will, watching the aftermath of the stampede scene from The Lion King and the person next to you in the theater yelling out “SIMBA IS SAD BECAUSE HER DAD DIED!”
4. Worst Person to Play Scrabble With
Whenever I use words my mother has never heard of and she tells me to correct myself. I now have to actually get Google definitions to show her I’m not speaking nonsense. I used to always lose those arguments because “She’s the mom and older, therefore she knows more than me.”
5. Ready, Aim, Fire
The number of cashiers who my father demanded the manager fire because they were too slow, rang us up wrong, etc., including one they actually did. I’ll never forget that girl taking her Home Depot apron off and walking away sobbing. To his credit (I guess?), my dad seemed surprised that it actually worked. He must have felt at least some level of guilt, and never did it again.
6. Good Grief
My mother and I were out walking and we came across an older couple we knew from the local church. Their eldest son had died the previous year from an inoperable brain tumor, and their younger son just moved out for university. Mum starts with, “Must be nice to have the house to yourself! More time for Church!”
The conversation devolves from there. She ignores all hints to drop the subject, including the mother stating they hadn’t been back to the church since their son died. The couple were obviously horrified. I couldn’t end the convo quick enough. Afterward, my mother told me I was just being immature and had no conception of what “polite adult conversation” was like.
7. Too Cute to Eat
My dad will not tolerate being served food that was set to look “pretty.” Once he ordered a dish with coconut shrimp, and when it came out its presentation looked very cute and my dad immediately recoiled in disgust and said, “This isn’t what I ordered, take it back!” We were all confused because he had in fact ordered it and the waitress was just beside herself.
My dad then said, “It’s too feminine.” The waitress ended up taking the plate back and they rearranged the shrimp as to not offend my dad as if he were a picky two-year-old.
8. What a Crappy Story
Although I wasn’t the victim in this case, I am a registered nurse in a hospital emergency room and these stories vividly remind me of the time when I was caring for this 12-year-old girl because her mom had brought her in for constipation. This mom was really over the top with her worrying, but it is her kid after all so I cut her some slack.
So I give the girl an enema and ask her to try to hold it for approximately 20 mins if she can, then I leave the bedside to go and check on another patient in the meantime. Out of the corner of my eye just a few moments later, I see the girl doing the “Buttcheeks Clenched Sprint” for the bathroom, with her mom trailing closely behind her. Then, I hear some wild shrieking coming from the bathroom.
As it turned out, the enema was enormously successful, and this petite 12-year-old girl had produced a poop the size of my arm. The mom saw this, freaked out, fished the monster turd out of the toilet, and began to chase the doctor around the department, insisting that he take a look at the size and examine it immediately. She then began screaming that this anaconda-like poop must have caused some internal damage or something.
The poor daughter began sobbing in the bathroom—not because of the pain, but mostly from the embarrassment. Meanwhile, the doctor continued trying to get the hell away from the mom and her giant object. Eventually, I was asked to chase down the mom with an empty bedpan and insist that she put the turd in there instead of in her bare hands.
9. An “F” for Effort
My dad came with on a field trip back in elementary school. We had an admittedly attractive substitute teacher that day, and she was introducing herself to all the parents. Sub: “Hello, I’m Miss Fine” Dad: “Why yes, you are.” She immediately just walked away.
10. No Shirt, No Shoes, No Car Ride
When I was a senior in high school back in the day, I had accidentally left the lights on in my truck all day long and had to call my dad to come to my school and help me jump start the car. Now, my father is 6’1 and has a very large belly. For some unknown reason, he shows up wearing nothing but cloth shorts and no shirt to try and jump-start my car.
In front of all my classmates…And is if that wasn’t bad enough, he did it again another time a few years earlier when my mother had sent him out to my school to come and give me a sandwich to eat before a big football game I was in. The man’s boxers were literally longer than his shorts.
11. When Lines Get Crossed
For those who didn’t grow up in a time where you shared a phone with your parents, consider yourselves lucky.
For those who did…
Me: Hi, it’s Kayge! I was wondering if you were going to go to the mall tomorrow.
Girl I liked: Ummm, yea, I think so. It’s Saturday, so I usually go with my friends.
Me: Well, if you’re there, do you want to, y’know, meet somewhere and have lunch?
Girl I liked: Ummm, yea, that sounds good. Where do you want to go?
Me: Well, I was thinking…
Me: (Yelling from upstairs) MOM, I’m on the phone!
Mom: (Through the phone) Kayge, are you on the phone? I was calling my friend Riva. She’s having some people over tomorrow and I wanted to know if she wanted any potato salad.
Me: (Yelling upstairs) MOM, I’m on the phone with (Girl I Liked), GET OFF!
Mom: If you want, I can make a little extra so you can take it to judo! I know how tired you get after class. Oooh, I hope I get to go with you this week, you look so handsome in your judo outfit!
Me: Sorry, my mom can be soooooo embarrassing.
Mom: I don’t think she’s there anymore, honey.
12. A Victim of Circumstance
I had left some video games lying around in my mom’s room. She found them and assumed my dad had bought them as Christmas gifts for me. So for Christmas I got… my own games.
13. The Meme Lords Will Know About It
My mother once ranted to all and sundry that she was going to get the brand-new Wal-Mart Supercenter in our town shut down because a cashier closed her register as we were walking up. Apparently, she could do this because she “knew people on the internet.” It was 1998. 14-year-old-me was mortified.
14. I Can’t Even
This may be hard to explain, but there was a lever in my mother’s house that controlled the water. If the handle pointed down to the floor the water was on. If it was lifted and pointing at you it was off. One of the pipes had a leak, so my stepfather said to leave it off when not in use until it was fixed. When my mother gets stressed out she shuts down.
She insisted she wouldn’t know what to do. I explained it to her multiple times. It’s just lifting one lever. It was to the point where I had to write signs with arrows and I’m still not sure she got it. I was freaking furious.
15. The Great Unknown
My dad adamantly refused to believe that Narwhals were real. I had to show him not just photos, but video of narwhals before he finally believed me.
16. Forgiving the Unforgiveable
This girl in prep already showed traits of a narcissist/sociopath. She was an extremely clever but lacked empathy, manipulative, blatantly lied, stole, and so on. Yes, this might just sound like the characteristics of any child, but there was something different about her. Anyway, met her mum who refused to accept that her child would do anything wrong, and when the child admitted she took a girl’s bracelet because she wanted it, her mum said that’s ok we can go buy you one on the way home.
17. Glass Cleaner
I have been a waiter for years but by far the stupidest thing I’ve ever had happen to me at work happened when I was just starting out. I was waiting on a family of four and they all ordered ice waters. I brought them their drinks and then a few minutes later the mom waves me over. She says, “The outside of my glass is wet.”
I stare at it and see the beads of condensation on the outside of the glass. “Yeah, it’s called condensation, it’s what happens when you have ice water in a room temperature glass.” She stares at me like I’m a freaking alien, and then I realize that this was my future as a waiter: Dealing with freaking idiots. I took her drink and wiped it off with a towel and handed it back to her.
18. Wow, Mom
My mother told me she was sick of being with dad. She told me a bunch of things he’d done which made her afraid of him. She asked me to tell a few of her close friends about how she was being treated, because she wanted them to understand why she was leaving. Then she decided to stay with him. So she told her friends that she had no idea what was wrong with me. She literally said they should pray for me because it looked like I was going through something.
My own mother stabbed me in the back. I’m still furious about it.
19. An Unsentimental Journey
My mother-in-law is convinced that The Hobbit is a two-book series. I tried to enlighten her on this notion, including by showing her Wikipedia and copies of the book available on Amazon. She wouldn’t have it. Eventually, the argument became heated and we had to “agree to disagree.” I still bring it up sometimes to my wife because it bugs her.
20. The Border of Human Decency
My husband and I went out with his family to celebrate his birthday. We went to a Mexican restaurant for an early dinner and was being served by a Mexican. My father-in-law started saying trash like, “Wow do you even know nowadays if they’re legal?” that he doesn’t hate immigrants, only the illegal ones. My husband was so upset and embarrassed because his dad talks so loud, people around our table and the waitress definitely heard him.
21. Your Lot in the Gene Pool
When I was a kid, my mom was a pretty messed up person, so I have an endless list of stories that I could offer on this subject. The one that comes to mind right now is the time she sent me to go pick up my younger brother from the pool. I, being an active 13 year old kid, decide to join him and start playing with his friends instead.
I guess she got tired of waiting around for me and decided to come to the pool to check up on us. She showed up and found me in the pool (yes, wearing my regular street clothes, shame on me!) playing Marco Polo with the guys. She yelled my name, took her slipper off, and threw it at my head in front of everyone there.
Then she started calling me names like promiscuous for daring to swim with boys. Every guy there went quiet. I think the silence was one of the most unbearable things about this situation. It still prickles my skin when I think about it. I was so utterly embarrassed that I didn’t know what to do. I vividly remember that walk home, my head down in shame the entire time.
In hindsight, I can’t believe that I actually thought I had done something horribly wrong. I cried myself to sleep. What’s funny is that she didn’t even ask my brother to come back with us. Screw you, Mom! I’m very glad that our relationship is much better now than it was back then, but you still made my childhood a living nightmare, so screw you!
22. The Dirty Laundry
I had my first boyfriend in middle school and brought him home one time. At one point, my mom made him bring me my clean laundry—and by that I mean a single pair of pink High School Musical underwear. I cried from embarrassment, but he was actually pretty cool about it and comforted me.
23. Foot in Mouth
I have so many of them, I don’t know where to start. My parents love to tell the story about how my mom walked in on me and a neighbor boy in the living room. When she saw what we were doing, her jaw dropped. I was casually drawing at the coffee table and the other kid was underneath the table sucking on my toes.
I didn’t mind to be honest, in fact I think I was actually enjoying it? Hard to remember, I was maybe five or six. So mom is understandably very uncomfortable, and goes to fetch his dad, who is clearly mortified that this is happening. The dad bodily picks the kid up, face purple, and mutters about how his kid “has a thing about feet” on the way out.
It was super weird, sure, but it was YEARS ago Mom and Dad, do you STILL have to bring it up?
24. Front of the Line, Back of the Class
I was with my parents on vacation, and the hotel put charges on the bill by accident. My mom marched to the front desk and demanded to see the manager. There was a long line, but she cut right in front of it. The manager wasn’t very helpful, probably because she was rude. So my mom went to all the other customers in line and told them that the hotel was a scam and they were ripping us off with fake charges.
She made a scene. The hotel called the police and we were escorted off the premises by actual cops. I died inside.
25. Facts Over Feeling Part Two
My mom just fundamentally does not understand technology, and it leads to some insanely frustrating moments. The worst one was when I tried to explain to her how the wifi works. She insisted that it was slow because, “Valkyrja, your computer is always on, and it sucks the data, too.” It didn’t work on data and she didn’t believe me when I told her so. “Valkyrja, you’re always playing games.”
I play single player games 99% of the time. I didn’t know very well how it worked, and I actually don’t remember anything at the moment, but back then I actually did some research on the Internet. I also asked my boyfriend, who is a programmer, repairs computers, and is generally more comfortable than me with this kind of stuff, so he could point me to places where I could find the information I needed about it, then I went back to my mom and explained how the wifi worked.
After aggravating me by interrupting and telling me I was wrong while I was trying to explain, she, very infuriatingly so, told me, “Well, can’t I have my opinion? I am ENTITLED to have opinions!” I went berserk. I couldn’t do it anymore. I just screamed back, “You can’t have an opinion on facts! If this is how it works this is how it works!”
It wasn’t the best way to react but she has a knack for making me so irrationally angry that I just reacted like that.
26. She Lost the Game of Thrones
In my first college course, there was a 16-year-old in my class and their parent sat through the entire lecture next to them. The professor expressed his concern about her taking up a seat for a student, and the mom immediately snapped at him about how she was paying his salary by enrolling her kid there and she deserved “respect.” Woman had no clue…
Poor kid made no friends in that class.
27. What Happens in the Dressing Room Does Not Stay in the Dressing Room
All the way up until I went away to college, my mother insisted at all times on seeing exactly what I was buying for clothes, to make sure that they weren’t too baggy for her liking. When I was 17 years old, we were out buying jeans at the Gap and she wanted to have me come out of the change room after trying on each pair so that she could inspect the way they looked for approval.
When I refused to basically do a fashion show for her with every individual pair of pants I tried on, she crawled her 58 year old self under the door of the dressing room where I was trying them on to take matters into her own hands. I’m a guy, and there was a huge lineup outside the door of people waiting to use the dressing room. Everybody saw. Everybody heard.
28. The Same Old Script Again
When I was very young, maybe about five years old or so, my dad got into a ridiculously long conversation with the cashier at a movie rental place. I had to pee really badly, but every time I tried to get his attention he just brushed me off and continued with his clearly more important movie talk. I ended up peeing myself in the middle of the store, and he didn’t even notice until we got back into the car and it started to smell like pee.
In his defense, at least he was super apologetic when he asked why I didn’t tell him that I needed to go, and I explained what had happened from my perspective. I guess even the best of us make mistakes every now and then!
29. Silly Rabbit, Tricks Are for Kids
I was 15 or 16 and teaching the 2- and 3-year-olds at church. It was Easter, and one little boy comes in crying up a storm. Nothing that my friend and I do can console him. About halfway through he stops and just sniffles. At the end when the parents come and pick them up, he sees his dad and starts crying again, telling his dad that he doesn’t want anything to do with him. His mom comes and gets him, and my friend and I tell her about her son.
She was trying SO HARD not to laugh and told us why. The boy’s dad hit a rabbit on the way to church this morning, and the boy started to cry, thinking it was the Easter Bunny.
30. The Elephant in the Room
When I was in 5th grade, there was this girl who I was pretty good friends with. We would always kid around and jokingly make fun of each other at school. So one day, my mom was picking me up from school, and me and the girl were walking out together. As part of an inside joke, the girl said, “See you tomorrow, Dumbo!” For the record, the joke was that I had very big ears as a kid, which thankfully I have since grown into. She had made jokes about my ears many times before and it was just a normal part of our relationship, but this particular time my mom had heard her say it and was not having any of it for even a second.
She got out of her car, stormed over to my friend, and started full on yelling at her, saying things like, “Don’t you ever talk to my kid like that again! How would you like it if kids made fun of the freckles on your face?” The girl started bawling. I was so freaking embarrassed that my mom was yelling at this innocent little girl in front of dozens of kids over something as silly as this. We left and I did not say a single word to my mom on the entire way home. Thanks mom. I love you, but that was mean.
31. Happy Birthday!
It was my 16th birthday and my family went out to a fancy Italian restaurant. The staff came over to sing happy birthday to me, and my dad started singing along loudly in a bad Italian opera kind of accent. The staff were so stunned that they just stopped singing. The other customers around us laughed their heads off and applauded. I was mortified.
32. Your Mom Only Gets One Chance to Make a Good Second Impression
After I submitted my first ever job application to a store manager back when I was 16 years old, my paranoid mother barged up to the store and started going on and on to the manager about how I was really shy and not much of a people person. Yeah, that’s exactly what a manager wants to hear about an applicant for a customer service job…
33. The Big Toilet in the Sky
My friend thought the holes of the airplane toilets were an opening to the sky. She insisted that her pee went straight out of the plane and evaporated in the air, same with poop. “It’s true! I saw the clouds, too,” she’d say. Worst part of this is that I told my mom later that day and she had the same reasoning. Had to google it just to make sure I wasn’t crazy.
34. Not Without My Mother
I had a friend in high school whose mom was terrible. Every time there was a party (and, mind you, most of my friends were Mormon so they were supervised, appropriate parties), she would come just to make sure her daughter wasn’t getting into trouble. She wouldn’t let her watch PG-13 movies (even at 17), had a strict curfew, and became a constant and judgmental fixture at every social event. One time she called me a sleaze because she saw me kiss a boy at a school dance (she wasn’t chaperoning, she was just there to watch her daughter).
The best story though was one time my friends and I went to my house to watch a scary movie. Sheltered friend comes. Helicopter mom shows up. My dear mother distracted her in the kitchen so my friend could have a little peace and just be a teenager. My mom later said she had no idea what to talk to her about, so they talked about cats for two hours. TWO HOURS.
My mom is a saint.
35. You’re Coming With Me
I was at an Applebee’s with my grandma on like my 12th birthday. She and my aunt were just non-stop complaining about how cold their salads were and how it was taking ridiculously long. She ended up pounding on the table, DEMANDING she speak to somebody like she was freaking two. This was in a busy, crowded restaurant, and some poor girl who was already busy had to stop all she was doing to speak with my grandma.
She then started saying how the salad was so crummy and made a big scene. She couldn’t get a new salad for some reason I can’t remember, so then she yanked my arm, and as everyone stared at us, she said, “Come with Grandma! We’re gonna go to a place that has better service.” I was ssoooooooo embarrassed.
36. Crystal Scientist
My sister always says she is a scientist and does things based on facts. She also says she is way above average intelligence. I told her I was having more instances of sleep paralysis. She told me I should get some crystals. I told her thanks, but I made an appointment with my doctor and did a sleep study instead. She has an associate degree in nursing.
I also once had to explain that direction is a fixed thing and that it is our position that changes. She insists that in front of her is always north because it is HER north. My husband tried to explain she was wrong. But the worst part is, my ENGINEER dad who also says he is so smart backed her up, but I suspect that has more to do with making me wrong. She tutors in science and math.
37. At Least They’re a Happy Family
Sleeping over my friend’s house in seventh grade. I was trying to sleep on the floor, however, his parents decided to have very loud, wall-rattling sex. I laid there trying to fall asleep for about 15 minutes, when a loud shriek hinted that it was over…I kinda laughed a little and my friend, who I thought was sleeping, just says “I am so sorry.” We awkwardly laughed about it and then went to bed.
38. Cheaper Than Therapy
About once a month, my dad gets drunk and calls various customer service centers demanding stuff. Once he finally gets off the phone (frequently 45+ minutes later), he spends the next few days telling us all about how he slew the customer service dragon, and boy, people sure don’t appreciate their customers nowadays blah blah blah.
No duh, dad, you’re being a jerk. No one appreciates that. If you’ve worked for DirecTV customer service any time since 1996, I apologize on behalf of my dad.
39. Half-Naked Dad to the Rescue
When I was in fifth grade, I got hit by a car. I was relatively fine, but my friend called my parents to tell them what had happened and my dad was in such a rush to get to me that he showed up at the scene in nothing but his underwear. It was very embarrassing but, at the same time, I appreciate his care and sense of urgency.
40. Bad Dads 2
My dad, influenced at least in part by the movie Bad Boys II, decided to mess with my boyfriend on my first date by acting like a tough guy. He filled a whiskey bottle with tea and, when he answered the door, he started chugging down the whole thing while scanning my boyfriend up and down. He then tried to break the bottle over his own head. The date was canceled due to the ensuing hospital trip, and I became known as the girl with the totally insane father. “Don’t concuss yourself this time, Dad!” became the running joke in my house once I was able to get a date again.
41. Don’t Skirt Around the Real Issue Here…
My mum once pulled up my skirt, causing me to involuntarily flash a room full of people, at a family Christmas dinner. I was absolutely mortified. She wanted to check for any potential self-harm scars on my thighs, apparently. I’ve never physically harmed myself before in my entire life. I was 18 years old at the time, and thankfully I was wearing underwear so it was not as bad as it could have been. Nevertheless, she should not be allowed to consume alcohol ever again…
42. Not-So Secret Santa
My mum has done plenty of embarrassing things over the years, however the thing that immediately jumps out at me the most would have to be what happened to my sister. She had been dating this guy for a year or two on and off. Now, normally his ethnic background would not be important, but for this particular story it is. He’s Black and my family is English, so we’re all pretty much paper white. This was all back when my sister and I were in high school many years ago.
It was Christmas, so he and some family friends were invited over and everything was going great until it the time came for opening gifts. My mum, who thinks she’s hilarious, decided to give my sister (who was still a virgin at the time) a deck of cards filled with “positions to try.” Remember, this was also in front of our close family friends, not just the boyfriend himself.
She was already mortified by that alone, but the worst was still yet to come. Her boyfriend opens up his gift and it has a little card in it, along with a box of glow in the dark condoms. Mum: “Do you like the present? It’s so that she can find you in the dark!” Everyone: …Laughs nervously, while secretly wondering what on earth just happened…
43. The Proof Is in the Poop
I have an aggressive case of Crohn’s disease that started showing up around the time I was in 8th grade. My mom took me to all of my doctor’s appointments, which were all pretty embarrassing because, as you can surely imagine, no teenage boy in the world wants their mom involved in any of their butt related illnesses.
On one particular visit, we were about half of the way through our appointment when she whipped out a Cool Whip tub. As it turned out, I had used the bathroom the previous night and it apparently didn’t all go down properly. My mom, without my knowledge, happened to have discovered the remaining sample I had left in the toilet, so she thought it would be a good idea to load that thing up in our poor people tupperware and haul it on into the doctor’s office so that he could look it over.
He had the confused “What am I supposed to do with poop in a Cool Whip tub?” face going for a good five to ten seconds, and then he politely dismissed the offer. Who would have thought that there isn’t any medical knowledge to be gained from fishing old poop out of the toilet, refrigerating it overnight, and schlepping it up to an office for a visit.
44. Trouble on the Telephone?
One day at work, I was in the middle of an important meeting with a client in my office and I had not been checking my cell phone during this time. All of a sudden, my boss walks in to interrupt my meeting and hands me a cordless office phone, telling me that my mother is on the line. As it turns out, my mom had Googled my boss’ phone number, called him up on his office phone, and asked him if he could please put me on the phone.
Now, you’d think that all of that excessive hassle was for something important, right? Nope! She just wanted to whine about my step-father, and was in the mood to talk at that particular time. No emergency or anything whatsoever. She just wanted to chat and had zero concern for the consequences of her actions, as per usual, unfortunately.
And so, that was the day that my boss and pretty much all of my coworkers throughout the entire company lost all respect for me. When the mom of one of their coworkers calls him on the boss’ phone just to talk about personal nonsense, there’s pretty much no way of recovering. A few months later, I resigned. There was nowhere to go in that place anymore…
45. Something to Be Thankful For
For some inexplicable reason, my mom decided that it would be a good idea to casually tell everybody at Thanksgiving dinner at her boyfriend’s house about my tween bouts with anorexia. I didn’t want to be there in the first place, and she just kept going on and on about how I used to just eat carrots for dinner for a year. It got so bad that I eventually had to shout at her to get her to stop.
46. Spilling the Beans in a Pretty Epic Way
A very long time ago, on one of the darkest days of my life, my dad inexplicably decided to go into the store where a guy from one of my classes worked and tell him all about the huge crush that I had had on him for the past few months. I was only 16 or 17 years old at the time, and I was already pretty shy and awkward around the opposite sex even before this ever happened. I am still utterly mortified whenever I think about this incident. I mean, think about it, wouldn’t you be if it had happened to you?
47. Let It All Out
No, Paris is not the capital of Germany. No, we can’t just land on the sun and live there. We can’t just drink the extra water caused by global warming. And we can’t load it onto a rocket and shoot it into space. The sun isn’t yellow because it reflects off the moon, it’s a star, so it’s burning.
Dad, the reason you’re having so many issues with your computer is that you can’t remember your passwords or write them down and keep them in a secure place. It’s unreasonable to get mad at me if I can’t sort this for you, when I don’t know the password for your email address. Around 90% of your problems are caused by this.
Mum, please don’t take my pads out the bin and have a look at how heavy my period is so you can try to win this stupid competition of who has the worst periods. I don’t care that yours were worse than mine. Stop making it a “Who has it worse?” competition. They’re called Ferrous Metals, not Ferris Metals.
Yeah, I’m surrounded by idiots.
48. The Original Captain Underpants
When I was a young kid, we had a pajama day at school. This posed a problem for me because I always just wore my boxers to sleep. Well, obviously a kid can’t just show up to school wearing nothing but underwear, but I was too little and dumb to understand that at the time. Why my mom allowed me to go in that way and even drove me there, I have no idea.
It was the most embarrassing day of my life, and the school had to call my parents to come pick me up less than halfway through the day.
49. Cut and Run
At used clothing stores, my mother would cut tags to get discounts, since the cashiers would basically make up whatever price they thought it would be on the spot. If they high-balled it, she would get a manager involved, and I hated that.
50. Prove It!
When I was a kid, I had a classmate over who claimed he was a vampire. I didn’t believe him. I told him if his eyes glow in the dark, that would prove he was a vampire. We went into the bathroom and I turned off the light. His eyes were glowing. It scared the crap out of me. I opened the door, ran outside, jumped on my bike and got as far away from my house as I thought I could.
When I eventually came back home the classmate was gone, and my dad was angry that I abandoned my friend. Dad, he was a freaking VAMPIRE!
51. With Such Customers, There’s No Need for Service
My drunk mom who, when the waitress asked her if we were there for a special occasion, started her sentence but took a really, really long pause in the middle. The waitress then said, “That’s great!” and went into her specials list. My mom thought she had cut her off and sat there with her mouth open and went “Well huh!” And rolled her eyes directly at the waitress.
It was so uncomfortable while she took the orders, and my mom talked about it loudly for the rest of the night and left a really bad tip. My husband and I waited for her to leave and gave the waitress an extra ten in cash for putting up with her.
52. This Time, Mom Is Grounded
When I was a young child on a long-distance flight, my mother let me and my brother sleep on the floor. For safety reasons, the flight attendants told my mother that we were not allowed to sleep on the floor. She started to argue with the flight attendants, who then turned to the pilots. The pilots threatened to turn the plane around unless we got up from the floor.
It didn’t even matter. My mother just continued to argue. The pilots then announced that they were about to turn around because of my mother, so all the passengers got pissed at her and basically had a mutiny. Eventually, she caved in when she had all passengers and flight crew on a Boeing 747 against her…
53. A Woman of Few Words
My family was on a holiday trip to Dubai. Me and my mom went shopping by ourselves. Neither of us could speak Arabic, and my mom’s English is not that great, so I expected that I would have to do most of the talking, but what I didn’t expect was for her to completely ignore every single store staff. They would come up to her and talk directly to her and she would not even glance at them, just continue what she was doing and ignore them.
Also, she would interrupt my conversations with them whenever she felt like it. It felt pretty embarrassing at the time.
54. Mama’s Boy
A 28-year-old college graduate came in for an interview with his mother. I normally don’t do the interviews except for when there are issues or my boss is out. The interview was for an engineer position that opened up, and we had a lot of applicants. At first, I noticed a lot of my co-workers laughing and thought they were trying to mess with me.
Anyway, I walk into the office, and there he was, sitting with his mother. I was completely stunned. Before I could even ask a question, the mother starts asking how much the position pays, vacation time, and some other off the wall questions about compensation. I explain that compensation and other benefits will be negotiated at a later time and she tells me that anything under 100K won’t work and starts demanding days off next month.
I stopped the interview and told her, since the interview candidate, her son, had not even said a word, that this is over, and asked them to leave. I really thought someone put them up to it, but it was a real interview.
55. Not in the Business of Learning
My mom came to my school because she thought I was lying about what I got on my SATs. She didn’t think I was that smart. No one in my school would give her that information because they didn’t have to. She got to my principal and said, “I want to speak to your manager” in front of me. He refused and they argued for a while.
The principal knew I was an okay guy and the score I told my mother was legitimate. It was really embarrassing though.
56. Not Your Private Arcade
Was at a friend’s graduation ceremony with my dad and a few friends. My dad started playing a video on his phone with the volume at max and everyone heard (literally all eyes were on him). I had to tell him his video was so loud everyone was looking. He stopped the video but didn’t think it was a big deal. My friends and I who were sitting right next to him were cringing. Later I found out my dad is actually deaf in one ear, which explained a lot over the years looking back.
57. Mother in Unlawful Rudeness
My MIL is truly a Karen. Going out to eat with her is always a nightmare. Her orders have 14 special requests, but she’s not at all kind about it, she is defensive from the get-go, like you’re an idiot who’s already screwed the order up. “Nooo dressing. Not on the side. Nothing. Completely dry. Do you understand? I will send it back!”
The one I will never forget, though, was dinner at Joe’s Crab Shack. In case you’ve never been, it’s one of those places that every so often plays a song that the entire staff is required to drop everything and do a little synchronized dance to. It’s quick, everyone gets a little kick out of it. It’s part of the fun. Now my MIL Karen knew this, it’s not like she’d never been here.
But apparently, she was not willing to wait two extra minutes for her dry salad, so she starts going off as soon as the dancing starts. She gets a manager, who clearly knows Karen well and offers a quick apology (for doing their job), a discount, and her dry salad. But Karen’s not completely satisfied. She tells us that even though dinner for our party of 8 is on her, she’s not tipping the waitress one penny.
She proceeds to whine…loudly…throughout the rest of the meal and antagonizes our waitress over petty stuff. I worked too many years in customer service, and you know, I’m a decent human being. I made sure to get my bill separate so I could tip for the entire table. I wrote a quick note on the receipt, something along the lines of “Way to stay positive even when the customer’s a jerk.” I was a little afraid of the wrath of Karen, it was one of my first interactions with her too, but when the waitress came and hugged me, Karen and I locked eyes. She knew. I didn’t care. Don’t be a jerk, Karen.
58. Protecting Her from the Dangers of Verse
A 15-year-old genius girl arrived on our small liberal arts college campus. Her parents made her check in by phone every time she got back from classes, randomly called during the evening to make sure she was still there, had the RA spying on her every move, and picked her up Friday at 2 PM. She said that dad paid the phone bill so he could see every call she made (this was before cell phones or the internet).
She loved poetry. We had a poetry slam on Wednesday nights at the student union cafe. She wanted to go, but they feared she would become too passionate in public. She took a risk and went anyway; they happened to call five minutes before she got back, and then kept calling until she answered. She told them she’d been in the bathroom, but then they started calling her friends (they’d made her highlight names in a campus student directory) and in just a few minutes they got a well-meaning fellow student to admit she was at the poetry night.
Her mom and dad showed up before midnight to move her back home. We never saw her again. Poor girl has no shot with parents like them.
59. Trick or Treat
I went to school at an outpatient mental health facility as a kid. It was Halloween, so the instructors were letting us paint our faces and just do fun arts and crafts activities all day long. I knew that my mom didn’t like Halloween for religious reasons, so I just gave myself a cat nose with whiskers and made sure not to write Happy Halloween or anything similar on any of the things I was making.
When my mom came to pick me up at the end of the day, she publicly screamed at me like a maniac about how I should know better. She then made me march straight to the bathroom to wash my face, as well as made me throw away all the stuff I had made. All in front of everyone, just to make matters worse. Thanks a lot, mom.
60. How to Lose Clients and Offend People
When I was in my early 20s and still living at home, my father took a business call on my behalf one day. People say that we sound exactly alike on the phone, so when he was mistaken for me he just decided to run with it. For some reason, he decided to be a huge jerk to the caller.
I probably lost out on a low four-figure amount of money because of this antic of his. I used to think that the reason he did it was because he didn’t approve of who I was dating at the time, but after some of the events I’ve been through in recent years I think that he was just letting his immature and jerkish side shine simply because the opportunity to do so presented itself.
61. Forty Days and Forty Nights of Shame
When I was about five years old or so, my pre-kindergarten class did a play based on Noah’s ark—as it was a school that was connected to a church. We were instructed that our costume was supposed to be raincoats, rain boots, and umbrellas. I didn’t have any of those things, but I begged my dad to buy me at least one of them so that I could fit in and follow the guidelines.
Fast forward to the night of the play.
I’m frantically scanning the audience because my dad is ALWAYS late for everything. He finally shows up just before we are about to begin, and hands me…a life jacket. I had to stand up there in a stupid life jacket next to all of the other kids in their little raincoats. I was really embarrassed. Dad’s defense was that I was the only kid who would have survived the flood. I can laugh at that now, but I sure wasn’t laughing at the time!
62. Can She Get an Amen?
Well, it wasn’t uncontrollable, but there were a lot of laughs at my mom’s funeral. My grandmother, who was 96 years old at the time and having a bit of dementia, said out loud “Oh you shut your mouth” when the priest started his prayers. It actually lightened up a grim room.
63. Give Me the Plans or Else!
I worked at a science museum that had a hands-on area for kids. The aim of the game was for the child to solve a problem by themselves. Like “can you get x to do y.” They make something, test it, and figure out how to make it better. One day, a woman comes in practically dragging her five-year-old son. She sits him down beside me and starts poking me on the shoulder as I’m talking to another family.
“Tell my son what to do,” she says, standing over him. I tell the family to hold on a sec, as I explain the challenge to the newcomer. The whole point is to work autonomously, so it was alright, and I was used to working with a few rude/pushy parents, so I wasn’t surprised. I tell the kid the prompt, tell him he had a wide range of materials…
But no. The woman wants me to tell him every step of the process. “Tell him the answer! Tell him the answer!” she says repeatedly, grabbing his hands to make him fold paper, or reaching for my own. I start getting mad. “Ma’am, the goal here is to learn the scientific method. Make a hypothesis, test it, make conclusions and try again.”
“But you already KNOW the answer,” she says, “Tell my son! Or I’m calling your manager!” I don’t even have a manager. In the meantime, the poor kid is looking so embarrassed. Every time he tries to start something for himself, his mom reaches for his hands and tells him to wait for me to tell him what to do. The woman was so afraid of him failing when the whole point was to learn from one’s mistakes.
I’m so worried about how he’ll deal with mistakes growing up, with her around.
64. Well, That’s One Way to Be a Proud Mother…
I was one of those early bloomers when it came to puberty, and I had C cup breasts by the time I was eleven years old.
My mom seemed to absolutely love to loudly talk about them to anyone who would listen. “Yeah, she’s only eleven! Can you believe it? You wouldn’t think that from the way she’s filled out up top! Hahaha!” Then, I’d start crying from the humiliation and she’d just tell me to “lighten up.” This cycle repeated itself more times than I would care to count even if I could.
65. Without Even Breaking a Sweat
I believe I was in third grade when this happened. I had two of best friends over at my house for a sleepover, and we were doing something in the living room when it was time for dinner. My dad thought it would be funny to take me into the dining room by picking me up at the feet and carrying me upside down. The only problem was that I was wearing loose sweatpants, and when he lifted me he was grabbing more pant than ankle.
I was in the air for less than a few seconds before I fell out of my pants and landed on the floor bottomless and dazed. And when I say bottomless, I mean out of the sweats, and boxers, and all. I immediately ran away, Porky Pig style, to go and cry in private. My dad came in to try and apologize, but he couldn’t stop laughing. At the time, it was the most embarrassed I had ever been. In retrospect, it was hilarious.
66. Dress For the Job You Want!
I’m with my mom in a department store shopping for a new dress that I hope to accommodate my … assets. I’m a busty girl and it’s hard to find something that will fit. Same old story: I must have tried on 20 dresses and none fit. But after about the 10th dress, the whole thing just became comical. My mom and I were laughing so hard at how awful every single dress looked. I finally tried on a hideous ruffled floral dress that made my mom lose it.
Here’s the thing: whenever my mom starts laughing really hard, her head kind of turtles into her shoulders, her eyes disappear, and she just looks ridiculous. Every time she gets like that, I have to get away from her as fast as possible, or else I will pee myself from laughing too hard. But even if I look away, I can still hear her and I know what she looks like while laughing. Well, there was nowhere to go this time.
I wound up peeing through my underwear in the corner of the fitting room while desperately begging my mother to stop laughing. We promptly left the store, and I can only assume that the change room attendants were less than pleased when they discovered the mess we had left behind. For obvious reasons, I’ve never been back since.
67. A Growing Boy
My mother made it a point of conversation to let all ten moms in her social group know that I was “becoming a man,” and each of these calls went on for about an hour and a half because apparently puberty is just that stimulating a conversation for everyone in the neighborhood to take part in. These phone calls often ended up with a lot of “Such a little man!” comments from these members of the neighborhood.
A couple of dads even pulled me aside here and there to congratulate me and let me know that “no one needed to know” anything about my personal physical growth if I didn’t want them to. Yeah right, as if I had something to do with whether people would hear about it or not! Ugh…
68. Pick On Someone My Size
Last year I taught fifth grade. I had a student for one block a day that was a little mentally unstable. She developed a crush on another girl and began writing her a ton of creepy notes. The school was handling it but apparently, the second girl’s mother didn’t think that was enough, so they drove to the first girls bus stop in the morning and started yelling and threatening her. They basically had her cornered when the bus driver showed up and had to pry this raging mom away from the student.
69. Homework For Dinner
Woman I used to babysit for worked in a school as an assistant or something in Toronto, she always told this story about how the class rabbit would go home with a new kid each weekend. They kept trying to avoid giving one kid the bunny for the weekend because it was clear his home life wasn’t the best. But they finally caved and let him take the rabbit home.
The parents killed the rabbit and ate it. They killed the class bunny and fried it up for dinner. They weren’t even ashamed when they told the teacher what happened on Monday. Said they were out of groceries or something. I wish I had more details, but I haven’t seen this woman in a few years, so I only remember the basics of the story. This incident happened around 20 or more years ago so I’m not sure about the aftermath.
I had almost completely forgotten about it until I saw this thread and was reminded of this. As far as I remember, the family was very clearly trashy and irresponsible and that’s why the school didn’t want that kid to take the animal for the weekend.
70. What’s in a Name?
This happened to my dad recently. He had a coworker who was a bit of a cat lady. She and her husband never had kids, so the cats played that role in their lives. One day she came to work pretty visibly shaken up, so my dad pulled her aside and asked what was wrong. She said her husband was doing laundry last night and while loading the dryer, the cat must have jumped in behind his back. He then proceeded to turn on the dryer and unfortunately, the cat didn’t make it.
My dad says, “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that! What was your cat’s name?” She answers “Fluffy”. Dad lost it. Come on, Dad!
71. She Always Thinks of the Right Thing to Say
When I was young, my mom and I used to have this running competition where we would always try and embarrass each other at random times. It was a lot of fun. One day, we were shopping at Safeway and I was in the toilet paper aisle. While I was there, I spotted this VERY hot guy shopping nearby and I was contemplating how to approach him. Just then, my mom proudly walked in brandishing up a mega pack of toilet paper rolls and yelled out “HEY, SWEETHEART! THIS WILL BE PERFECT FOR YOUR SENSITIVE BUM. HOW’S YOUR DIARRHEA RIGHT NOW???” I seriously thought I was going to die on the spot…
72. Age Before Manners
I guess you could call him my step-grandpa? My mom’s weird husband brought his weird dad (part of it is autism, part of it is he’s an old man who’s never been challenged) to Olive Garden. First, he just sort of announces his drink order to the hostess while she’s doing menus. Easy mistake to make, thinking the hostess is the waitress.
Except his drink order is “I NEED a tall glass OF SKIM MILK.” Both the hostess and then later the waitress had to explain to him why they don’t just have a gallon of skim milk lying around. This made him so angry he said it was stupid that they had “the wrong cows.” So, I’m thinking, “Well, that was hell on earth. I guess old people forget not all restaurants are Denny’s, and autistic people have important habits and routines.
At least he has water now.” NOPE. As you know, Olive Garden brings many things to the table: drinks, soups, salads, bread, refills, cheese graters, and then more bread. Our waitress was new. So, she had a hard time carrying so many things on one tray, she took a few trips. When she showed up with a big salad bowl and a bunch of salad plates, he was furious that she forgot his soup.
When she showed up with the soups and breadsticks, he freaked out that she should have brought two baskets (except Jesus Christ, she DID bring two baskets.) I swear to god, at one point when the waitress poured water in his glass, I heard him try to go “No! I ordered milk,” but it was either quiet enough that the waitress didn’t hear, or stupid enough that she ran away.
The worst part of all this is that this 70-year-old man was allowed to adopt a 10-year-old girl. By the time they were 72 and 12, he had turned her into a total pariah. She had a major mustache that no one talked to her about, she didn’t wash, wore the same basketball clothes until they smelled, and she didn’t see anything wrong or unusual about her father making the waitress cry real tears. So that was the night I cringed for like, two hours straight.
73. Not Up to Dress Code
My mom’s a teacher and in order to talk to a parent about a child that was struggling due to the school environment, she arranged to meet at the parents’ house. Keep in mind this was scheduled in advance with a set time. The dad answered the door 100% naked and tried to have the meeting with him naked on the front porch.
My mom doesn’t do anything outside the school anymore.
74. Ever Get the Feeling You’re Being Watched?
I was a weird kid. When I was 15 years old, I wandered into the living room in my boxers one afternoon, hand down the front, enjoying being home alone. President George W. Bush was on TV saying something about cloning. With little understanding of what he is talking about, I yell at the top of my lungs, “WE’RE FREAKIN’ SCREWED!!!”
When I was home alone and a teenager, I liked to get wacky like this—probably just as an outlet for excess energy and my general facade of being a decent kid. I would dance around, yell random things, you name it. Basically, if you saw me in private at any point in these years, you would have thought I was insane.
Unfortunately for me, I discovered that I had not actually been home alone that day and my mom was in the living room watching this unfold. She yelled at me in shock at my behavior. It was easily one of the top ten most embarrassing moments I’ve ever been in, and it was never discussed again.
75. Life is a Highway
When I was 17, a huge photo radar ticket came in for my truck. I had been going something like 40km over the speed limit. My mom was furious at me. HOW DARE YOU DRIVE LIKE A MANIAC! I RAISED YOU BETTER! The whole ordeal. Then it turned out I wasn’t the driver that day! My dad had borrowed it to pick something up. I asked him how desperately he needed me to take the fall for him, knowing she’d turn on him with the fury of an angry mama bear.
And that’s how I got myself a new HDTV that year!
76. Keep Your Hands to Yourself
Our vice principal is a former Army Sergeant who’s built like a tank. He’s well-liked and an amazing role model in a community where many of our kids don’t have a good male role model.
On several occasions, I’ve seen mothers step well over the line and make very sexual comments to him directly in front of their kids. I mean in plain sight of their own children and in ways the kids notice. He’s always very respectful and often asks another staff member to join him if he sees one of these parents coming to talk, but it’s pretty damn trashy when it comes to some of the innuendoes I’ve overheard.
These aren’t jokes either. They try to get handsy with him too.
77. The Sweet Taste of Victory
One time I asked my mom if there was any fruit in the fridge, but after opening it I changed my mind and took a bar of chocolate out to eat. My mom said “Oh, is chocolate a fruit? Does it grow on trees?” I had the best comeback. I just smiled and said, “Yes, on the cocoa trees.” She couldn’t think of anything to say after.
78. The Right to be Big is Selectively Given
My mother-in-law. One day, my sister-in-law came over to my house, bawling her eyes out, because her mom told her she was fat. My wife spends quite a while comforting her, calming her down. Finally, she’s feeling better and leaves, and my wife calls her mom and tells her not to be so hard on SIL, that she’s damaging her fragile self-esteem (she’d been bullied in school and had just gotten out into the world as an adult and was building herself up, making friends).
MIL gets very haughty and tells my wife that she’s just looking out for SIL so that she doesn’t wake up some day and realize that she has allowed herself to be fat and ugly. That will damage her self-esteem far more, my MIL says. About a week later, MIL comes over crying. She works at an old folks home, where her mother lives, suffering from Alzheimer’s. MIL had bent over to pick something up, and her mother came up behind her and said, “Jesus Christ you’re getting fat, look at your big fat ass!”
So now, MIL is crying to my wife saying, “How could she say that to me, doesn’t she understand how hurtful that is?” I had to leave the room to laugh incredulously.
79. Continent Confidential
My mom. She had mental health problems and would express and insist on bizarre “truths” when she was ill. My boyfriend at the time came over. He said his parents were going to Hawaii. I said that I always wanted to visit an island in the Pacific. My mom then asked if I was stupid, because Hawaii is in AFRICA (she sounded the letters out extra-long for emphasis).
I just said I must have forgotten that and did my best not to laugh. My boyfriend, though, became indignant and, despite my frantically waving “no,” proceeded to try to correct her and say that I was right. That didn’t go over very well. I spent the next half hour, in private, trying to explain to him what delusions are.
80. The Father of All Career Coaches
I was a manager of a bagel store. I had an interview with this one kid, I think he was about 16. His dad came to the interview and basically answered every single question I asked the kid. At the end of the interview, I turned to the dad and said, “You’re hired.” Look on his face was priceless. The kid laughed his butt off.
Since quite a few people have asked: the kid came back for an interview on his own a few days later, and I hired him, but ultimately it didn’t work out. He was a nice kid, and reasonably smart, but had absolutely no work ethic. He couldn’t perform even simple tasks really. I have always assumed that this was due to his parents pampering him.
He only lasted a short time (I think it was about two months).
81. Gotta Let It Loose
The cafeteria, which is used for parent meetings, has tables with fixed bench seating. You have to swing a leg over to sit down. Parent wore a short skirt and was commando. She also got up several times.
82. Loving the Skin You’re In? Like a Woman?
The father in a family I grew with as neighbors was very much so a sort of “traditional” masculine guy. Mechanic, family patriarch, all that. Turns out he had naturally dry skin, and keeping his feet cramped up in work boots all day led to him having some nasty skin cracks on his feet. After one cut got infected, he went to the doctor, who told him he really needed to exfoliate and moisturize his skin.
He said, “Moisturizer is for women, ” and ignored the doctor. A couple of years—and probably a handful of infections—later, he refused to go back to the doctor and insisted it would get better on his own. The infection got so bad they had to amputate his big toe on his right foot. All because he didn’t want to moisturize.
83. Possession is Nine-Tenths of the Law
Back when I was a teenager, my father and I had an unmentionable cold war of sorts. There has been a tacit agreement never to speak of it, and we haven’t. It all started when my mother found my hidden stash of adult magazines. Both parents confronted me about it when I got home from school, confiscated it and, of course, threw it in the bin.
Or so I thought. Months later, I happened upon my collection, hidden at the bottom of my dad’s wardrobe. Hidden. From my mother, clearly. So I took it back and hid it in my bedroom. What’s he going to do? Tell my mother I’d taken the materials he’d hidden from her that he was supposed to have thrown out? Eventually, he found it again. And took it back. And hid it.
And I found it again. And took it back. And hid it. This went on for years. And it’s never been mentioned. And it never will be.
84. Let’s Call a Square a Square
About a year into our marriage, my wife and I bought a dining table and chairs. It was our first “real” furniture! My wife was so happy, she posted pictures on Facebook and wanted her mom to look. Well, her mom commented on the phone that it was a nice “oval table.” Wife is immediately upset. “You didn’t look,” she says. “Yes I did!” her mom insists.
“It’s not oval, it’s rectangular.” “No, it’s an oval, I looked.” Wife finally gets her mom to actually go look for real. Her mom sees that she is incorrect, and then it gets even worse. She creates this gem: “Well that’s what I call it!” “Um, you call rectangles ovals?” This has become a running gag for us. Whenever we lose an argument, we always end it with, “Well, that’s what I call it!”
85. Irresponsible Faculty Meeting
One of my favorite moments:
I walk into the school office to check my mailbox. A parent of one of my students sees me and says very loudly, almost screaming, “Oh, FINALLY!!!! LOOK, EVERYONE, I FOUND A TEACHER!!! Do you realize that I left work EARLY to come here after school to talk to my son’s teachers about his report card, and you are LITERALLY the ONLY teacher I have found?!!! I went from classroom to classroom and everyone is GONE!!! Do you know what time it is?!! It’s 3:45 pm! School ended FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO!!! FIFTEEN MINUTES!!!! And you’re the ONLY teacher STILL HERE!!!! CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO ME WHY EVERYONE IS GONE?! CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO ME WHY EVERY TEACHER HAS LEFT THE BUILDING WHEN SCHOOL JUST GOT OUT?!!!!”
I paused, waiting to see if there was more. When I realized he had finished, I said, “All the teachers are in the library. We’re having a faculty meeting.” The look on his face was priceless. He knew he was in the wrong, but by that point, he had committed so fiercely to his anger and righteousness that he couldn’t just apologize. So he said, “Well that’s just irresponsible.” And he walked out of the office.