Isn’t love a magical thing? Nothing says romance more than two people seeing each other and just knowing that they want to be together forever—that is, unless only one of the people involved feels that way. There is no shortage of people who are living proof that love is blind, and there are truly no bridges that people won’t cross to try and impress someone they are interested in—no matter how crazy, irrational, or even counterproductive such stunts might prove to be. It’s all for a good cause, after all! Here are stories of some of the craziest ways that people have ever tried to impress a crush.
1. Ferry Godmother
I was in New Zealand and was going to a beach party with some girls from the hostel I was staying at. To get to the party, you generally needed to take a $2 ferry across this inlet which was about a kilometer wide. I decided to try and swim it instead, thinking it would impress the ladies. About halfway through my voyage, I realize that I am slowly being swept out to sea and am also quickly losing strength.
I'm not sure how, but eventually I made it over to the other shore, about 100 meters away from the pier. The ferry had docked about two or three minutes before me, and I just nonchalantly walked over to meet the girls as if I hadn't just swum against a current to near exhaustion and been swept out to sea. When all was said and done with this, there was some good news and bad news. The good news was that this stunt actually worked, and I ended up hooking up with one of the ladies involved. The bad news was that it turned out the $2 fare was for a round trip, so I still had to pay $2 to get back once the party was over!
2. Say Hello to My Little Friend
I bought a hedgehog off of someone, planning to give it to my crush to keep as a pet. I was very young and didn’t have much of a thought process past “she’s definitely going to like me after this!” Unfortunately, her parents said no when I showed up at her house to deliver this unexpected gift to her. I ended up having to keep him myself for the next seven years. He turned out to be the sweetest boy ever, though, so I’m pretty happy!
3. Flipping out
I tried to do a backflip to impress my crush. I had never actually done a backflip before, not even on a trampoline. Nevertheless, I decided to just go for it. I wound up just jumping backward and hitting my head really hard on the ground. The next thing I remember was waking up and throwing up a bunch. I was rushed to a hospital, where a doctor called me an idiot and diagnosed me with a minor concussion. He said that I did not have to worry unless more concussion symptoms began to appear, which thankfully they didn't. As for my crush, let’s just say that if she ever did have a thing for me (which all of my friends say she did), it was definitely gone after that day...
4. Starting to Sweat
Getting up from the bleachers to play dodgeball in gym class, I tried to impress a girl by pulling my sweat pants off while yelling “LET’S DO THIS!” I ended up accidentally yanking off everything, boxers and all...
5. I’ll Pass on Trying This One At Home
I was about 12 years old and riding my bike home from middle school when I saw a pack of pretty girls ahead of me, about five years my senior. On the other side of the street was a boy who I had a big crush on at the time. This stretch of road meant that I had to ride on the pavement, so I thought that I could be cool and impress the boy by aggressively overtaking these older girls.
My plan was to drop down into the road, gain some ground, and then jump back up the curb once I passed them. Well, I almost died that day. My determination to impress the boy overtook the part of my brain that deals with logic, and I severely miscalculated the jump. I skidded against the curb and it bucked me out to the middle of the road into oncoming traffic.
I scrambled to get back onto the pavement and my bike flew clean off the ground. I was then propelled head first into a bush.
On the bright side, goal achieved: I overtook the girls, and my crush did come over to help. He even called me cute when I started crying, so I took it as a win. I haven't been on a bike since, though.
6. The More You Nose
In elementary school, I liked this girl. When I saw her touching her nose one time, I saw my opportunity and shouted out "EW, YOU'RE PICKING YOUR NOSE!" for everyone to hear. My rationale was that by embarrassing her, she would think that I was cooler than she was—and would therefore be interested. In hindsight, I was just being an irrational meanie.
7. Every Idiot Dance Now
I was abroad in the Dominican Republic. They had a dance competition on stage that anyone could enter, and it had around 200 people watching. I was about nine or ten years old at the time and I spotted a cute girl who must have been around 14 or 15. Obviously, I decided that the best way to get her attention was to get up on stage and dance my heart out. Queue three minutes of awkward public shuffling while maintaining constant eye contact with that girl, as well as horrified and queasy looks from my parents. The coordinator cut me off early by pretending that the speaker had stopped working. I got a nice pity clap from the audience.
8. Sounds Like a Winner in My Book
Back in middle school, I wrote out the lyrics to “Loser” by Beck on a note to a popular girl in school. However, I changed the lyrics from “I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me” to “I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kiss me.” I totally thought it was a smooth move at the time, and I even told her that I wrote the whole song myself. I eventually got the kiss though, so can’t complain.
9. Tae Kwon No
When I was a teen, I took Tae Kwon Do classes and there were these two beautiful girls around my age in the class with me. They always liked to go and have a smoke behind the mall before class. I wanted to be cool and impress them, so I decided to take up smoking myself.
It was about two weeks in when one girl came to class early, so I went out and had a smoke with her. Then, the next girl came in and wanted to have a smoke, so I went out and had another one with her. When we came back, we started doing our warm-up laps and I suddenly felt very queasy. I realized that I had to throw up, so I ran outside. I threw up all over the glass wall of the nearby Dairy Queen, with all of the cashiers and terrified patrons inside looking on in horror.
10. The Game of Love
I intentionally threw multiple games of Uno to let a girl think she was amazing at the game.
11. Putting the Independence in Independence Day
One year, I went out on a 4th of July date. After going out to dinner, I took her out on the lake in a canoe to watch the fireworks. It was awesome. Unfortunately, young macho me felt like he had to impress her by turning down an offer for help with lifting the large canoe, so I manhandled that thing like it was nothing. I put her in it while it was still on the grass and continued manhandling it to show off just how strong I was. The next morning, I had to call in sick to work because my back muscles were so strained I physically could not get out of bed. My back was sore for over a week!
12. You Can Be Everything You Want to Be
When I was in sixth grade, I had my very first hormone-fueled mega crush on this guy in my class. We had one of those "star student" things going on in our class where each week a different student was showcased on the bulletin board with pictures and facts about them for all to admire. The idea was that by having this, we could all get to know each other a little better.
One of the things we had to include on the form we filled out when it was our turn was what we wanted to be when we grew up. No joke, I tried to impress him by putting more than ten different things crammed in there. Among them were actress, musician, teacher, doctor, and plenty more—just to make him think I was that cool. Needless to say, my plan didn't work at all.
13. Sounds Like True Amor
In high school, a few hours after school was let out one day, I was talking to this guy I had a crush on when he mentioned that he had left his Spanish notebook in his locker and had a test the next day. He lived far away and I lived close, so I offered to help him out. I walked a mile to the school, went to his locker, called him, got the combination, and read 10+ pages from the notebook to him while I sat on the hallway floor and he took notes.
14. She Brings Out the Animal In Him
I hoarded a bunch of stuffed animals I won at a local arcade over the summer for this girl I really liked, thinking it would win her over and make her want to be mine. One night, I thought “you know, tonight’s the night. I’m going to surprise my crush with all these stuffed animals, and she’s going to fall in love with me on the spot!”
So, I threw them all into a huge white garbage bag, walked two miles down the road to her house as the sun was setting, and knocked proudly on her door. As she began answering the door, I cleverly concealed my bag of goodies behind my back. She awkwardly asked me what I was doing at her house and I revealed the big surprise.
She slowly grabbed the bag from me, looked inside of it, and gave me a very awkward thank you as she slowly began closing the door. Right then and there, I realized that I had miscalculated the gesture and that I probably looked like a huge creepy nutjob. I power-walked back home and, to this day, I still think about this incident from time to time.
I think it’s my brain’s way of punishing me eternally for putting it through that whole thing. I’m loaded with stupid stories like this one because I am a huge romantic and, as such, I often tend to get bitten in the behind in one way or another because I just don’t seem to see things clearly when I’m in the haze of being in love.
15. This Just In: Your Plan Didn’t Work!
I lied to a guy because I didn’t think we’d have anything except a brief encounter. I told him that I had experience in journalism when, in reality, I had actually only taken one class on the subject in college. On our first date, he took me along to report on a local clash between police and citizens. I got tear gassed and robbed. He was not impressed.
16. Swing and a Miss
I was taking my friend to the driving range one day when she asked if her insanely hot friend could come as well. She mentioned that her friend had never hit a golf ball before in her life, so I'm thinking I just hit the jackpot. I've got an easy excuse to start talking to this girl, and an excuse to ask her back out one-on-one if all goes well.
So we get to the range. I hit a couple of warm-up shots while she’s getting her clubs rented. Once she gets that sorted out, she comes over and takes the spot right next to me. I decide that this is my chance to impress her by really crushing a ball, so I give my next swing everything I've got. I missed the ball and clipped the ground, causing the club to break right off the pole. It then proceeded to bounce back and smack me directly in the face, giving me a nice solid shiner—all while she’s still watching. I definitely put on a show for her, but not quite the one I had in mind...
17. You and the Amazing Technicolor Nightmare Coat
I made sure that I was the one to return her jacket when she forgot it at school. When I gave it back to her the next morning, she blamed me for stealing it. We did not end up together.
18. You Definitely Read This Situation Wrong
When I was 15 years old, I dropped a heavy book on my head to try and impress my crush. It was this old dictionary: a single volume that was easily eight inches thick and probably weighed at least 15 pounds. I laid down on the floor, held it over my head with my arms fully extended, and dropped from a foot and a half in the air right onto my forehead. I guess I thought it would show how tough I was? Turns out I was not very tough. It sort of worked, though, because I ended up dating her until freshman year of college—but, in all fairness, that was likely in spite of my actions rather than because of them.
19. The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
I did something very, very stupid. Like SO stupid. I had a crush on this girl, so I decided to leave a box of chocolates on her front porch and just run away. Oh, and all I wrote on the card was "Merry Christmas!"; I didn’t even bother to sign my name. Now, 13-year-old me was very immature in general and totally unaware of how pretty much anything worked, but even by those standards, this was pretty bad!
20. All You Can Eat
She worked at a burger place. I was absolutely infatuated with her, and I would have done anything to see her—let alone to impress her. The place she worked at offered a promotional challenge to eat about four to six huge hamburger patties within a very short period of time. It was like a race, and whoever ate it all the fastest moved on to the next stage. Eventually, the winner would get a bunch of money as a prize.
I went down there to impress her. I ordered the challenge, and she sat with me to record my time. Mind you, I was a pretty large guy at the time and was around 60 pounds overweight. They brought the burger out and I didn't even give it time to cool. My fat self sat there alone in front of the girl of my dreams at her place of employment and wolfed down a burger way too big for any normal person to eat, all the while slightly whimpering as it badly burned the roof of my mouth. Can you say alpha? I couldn't, because I burned my mouth! The aftermath hurt for like three days too, and I was out like $15. If you're reading this, former crush, you know who you are. Sorry I was a weirdo. I mean, I still kinda am, but at least I'm more self-aware now.
21. No Pain, No Gain
A girl on a date pinched me and then commented with amazement that I seemed to have an impressively high pain tolerance. Running with it, I told her that I was basically impervious to pain. On our way out of the restaurant, I noticed a patch of cacti next to the parking lot and told her that I could walk straight through it and be completely fine. I got about four feet into it and was in so much pain that I couldn't move anymore. Thankfully, she said "please come out of there! I already like you!" HAHAHAHAHA! I got out of the patch safe and sound minus one shirt, plus one bloody nipple. We went out two more times.
22. On the Road Alone
Way back when, my first ever serious girlfriend was home alone one day and invited me over to spend some time with her. It didn’t take long for the idea to plant itself in my head that this would be the day I’d finally get past first base. I'm all of 13, hormone-addled, and obviously confident beyond a doubt that this girl is the love of my life.
For some reason, I got the idea that riding up to her house on my bike alone would impress her more than if someone just dropped me off—I guess I figured it would make me look more grown up and mature or something along those lines. It was mid-summer and I knew I could bike the three or so miles pretty quickly. I tell my parents that I'm going to see my friend right around the block, and they warn me that a thunderstorm is rolling in. I assure them that it takes no time to get there and that they need not worry.
Ten minutes later, I'm only halfway there and I’m already terrified, crying, and peddling as hard as I possibly can to go DOWNHILL against the wind. My all metal framed, BMX knock-off huffy was doing its best to not get hit with lightning and fuse me to its shiny silver exterior forever. More than 30 minutes after that, I finally reach my destination. I pull into her garage and thank the Lord that all the rain has hidden the fact I've been ugly sobbing the entire way over.
Exactly as I’m hunching over to try and catch my breath, just moments after my dramatic arrival, her parents suddenly pull in. My silly stunt had taken so long that I had missed all the potential alone time I could have had with my girlfriend. Not wanting to get her in trouble, I tell her parents that I was there because this was the only house I knew on the street and it would have been life-threatening to bike the rest of the way home in this storm. They smiled, probably knowing it was a lie, and politely treated me to a nice dinner. That long day eventually came to an end through a very awkward drive home with her father, my bike tucked safely away in the back of his truck.
23. I Could Have Sworn This Idea Would Work
This is pretty embarrassing to admit, but back in primary school, I tried to impress a girl by constantly swearing when she was around or nearby. The point of this was to try and give the impression that I was too cool to care about rules or some such nonsense. It totally backfired though, and she ended up just thinking that I had some anger and behavioral issues.
24. Farm Town of Brotherly Love
My younger brother has high functioning autism and it results in him not being able to understand people's intentions. When he was about nine years old, he had a "girlfriend" who lived in our development. Our development was right next to a farm and there were always lots of sheep around. One day, this girl happened to mention in passing that she wanted a sheep.
Naturally, my brother then climbed the fence, made a leash out of rope, and attempted to forcefully kidnap a poor sheep from the farm property. There was a ram in the area, and it quickly started to chase him away. He managed to make it back out unscathed but did twist his ankle and get yelled at by the farm owners. I had to take him over to the owners’ place to apologize, and they said they were just worried that he could have been hurt. They were very nice about it and even offered to take him into their farm to see all the animals.
25. Going All Out
In my sophomore year of high school, I went above and beyond to ask a girl out on Valentine's Day. I ordered a bunch of red, pink and white carnations and arranged for someone to deliver them to her homeroom, thinking this would definitely impress her. I then walked by the room shortly after, only for my buddy to sadly greet me with a negative shake of the head.
Already disappointed, the girl soon came out and explained to me that she had a boyfriend and asked me if understood. She kept on asking "Do you understand?" repeatedly. In retrospect, I probably just had the "deer in headlights" look on my face. The worst part was that I was pretty confident about her saying yes and had told all my friends about it.
The train ride home that afternoon was pure hell, as my friends razzed me about this non-stop for the entire ride. In my defense, she had invited me to her birthday party just a few weeks before and did not seem to have any boyfriend in sight at the time. So, yeah. To say I became gun-shy about this sort of thing after that would be a major understatement.
I never realized until recently just how much of an impact that fateful day had upon my life. I have always assumed that my tendency to overthink things was just the way my personality is. Now, I have come to realize just how much of a blow to my confidence that day truly was and how much it has contributed to shaping the man that I have become.
26. I Hear a Song Coming On
I tried out for an eighth grade school musical to try and impress someone who was in it. I got the lead role and had to then spend the next four years of high school pretending that I liked theater.
27. Bad Hair Day
When I first started to like the man who has since become my husband, I thought he’d be impressed if I radically changed my look. So, I dyed my hair—and while I was at it, my eyebrows too! I looked like a total freak, but I thought he would find it cute. Not sure what was wrong with me back then, but thankfully we still managed to get together in spite of all this silliness.
28. Playing With Fire and Getting Burned
I was staying at a friend’s house out in the country with another friend back when we were all just 16 years old. A couple of girls had come over from a nearby town, so we decided to have a fire outside since it was still pretty nice fall weather. While outside, my friend and I both thought we’d try and impress these girls in ridiculous ways.
First, I decided to start smoking a pack of cigarettes. I had only recently smoked for the first time, so my body just immediately began to pretty much shut down from all the nicotine. I began to almost pass out in front of the fire when it started to get extremely hot, only to move back and then become cold instead. I was perpetually stuck in a temperature limbo.
Meanwhile, my friend decided to jump a row of chairs he had set up, hoping that it would catch the girls’ attention. He ended up getting slammed face first into the ground thanks to his foot hitting the second to last chair. Our pride was thin at that point and our skill sets were definitely re-examined the following day.
29. Road Trip
I drove all the way from Virginia to New York to pick up a girl I liked from one of the local airports, which was about an hour or so away from where she went to school. But, when all was said and done, I got the girl! So it was well worth it in my book.
30. Won’t You Be My Neighbor?
I went on a date with this one girl back in high school. We had a few classes together and I liked her quite a bit. The date actually went really well, so I drove her home at the end. I walked her to the door, got a hug, and went back to my car pretty satisfied with everything. Well, she gives me the cute little behind the shoulder blown-kiss. So, my dumb brain decides to try and impress her by backing out of her driveway as fast as I could in response.
At this time, I was driving a 1993 S10 Blazer with a rather egregious trailer hitch. I promptly rammed into her neighbor’s brand new Honda, hitch first. My hitch hit right between the rear quarter panel and door, destroying both. This car was literally on two wheels, impaled by my lousy SUV. I haven’t talked to her since, but her neighbor is a cool guy and we actually talk frequently.
31. Don’t Go Breaking My Heart
During my sophomore year of high school, I was talking to a friend like normal while walking down the hall one day. All of a sudden, we passed by my crush, who was sitting against the wall near his locker. Thinking I could catch his attention, I started to get louder and louder and more dramatic in my rant about teachers, eventually culminating in me kneeling down and pretending to stab myself through my heart while going “AHHHHHH!!” right in front of him. Not my finest moment, to say the least…
32. A Vicious Cycle
Like many of you, I tried to impress some girls once. By the end of it, I pretty much wished I was dead from all the embarrassment. I was only 13 years old and I had absolutely no idea how to look like I was “cool” or “not a socially awkward mess” around the opposite sex. So, one day, when riding my bike at the park, my dad had called me to leave and there was a group of similarly aged girls nearby who I thought were cute. My first thought in my sub-Neanderthal brain was “Oh, in movies they like the strong guys. I can lift my bike, I’ll show that off!”
Yes, this thought actually went through my head as if it wasn’t the literal stupidest thing ever. So, I lifted my bike up over my shoulder as if it was a bag of ice or something. There was just one problem. It’s a smaller mountain bike, so it’s solid metal and very heavy as a result. So there I am, trying to act like “Me no need to wheel this thing like normal person! Me strong! Me carry bike far way! Me show!”
My dad reacts by just yelling out to me “Hey bud, just wheel it over, it’s a bike!” right in front of the people I was trying to impress. To make things worse, the way he said it made it sound as if it was a normal occurrence that I would just forget how bikes work. I promise it wasn’t! So, at this point, do I put it down and just quit this crazy scheme? Nah! I have a hole to dig and China is the destination.
I, a scrawny 13-year-old boy with a huge metal bike on his shoulder, proceed to walk slowly and carefully all the way across the playground to the car. When I finally make it there, my dad just puts the bike inside and says “it wasn’t worth it, huh?” I just stayed silent in response. My poor father probably sat there thinking “bless his soul, but he’s an idiot.” Sometimes, late at night, to this day, I am lying down calmly in bed and just as I’m about to fall asleep, I get hit with this cold feeling of anxiety and terror as I remember that moment. If I could, I would have punched myself into a coma. Darn, was I an idiot!
33. What’s Up?
Before we met, my boyfriend had feelings for another girl. So what was his plan? Never make eye contact or acknowledge her existence. He started looking above her head whenever she talked to him, slowly looking higher and higher. At one point, he was staring directly at the ceiling while this poor girl talked to him for a good 15 minutes. After that, she thought he was weird and never talked to him again.
34. Are You Impressed Yet?
I was at a bar one time and witnessed the following scenario play out. A girl with a Zelda Triforce tattoo on her hand was sitting on a stool minding her own business, when up comes a strange looking nerd boy who thinks he has hit the jackpot. Obviously, he saw the tattoo as an opening he could use to try and impress her.
So he goes up to her and starts gabbing away about Zelda and about “how cool female gamers are” in his opinion. She is clearly uninterested, but he just keeps at it. I hear him say that "us fellow gamers need to stick together, you know" and that she’s "a rare creature, indeed." Her body language quickly shifted from "uninterested" to "screw off and die, dude!"
Sadly, he didn’t pick up on it until after he had finished telling a long, animated story about video games and she didn’t even reply. Another guy came up at that point to talk/rescue her. Nerd Boy loses it. He jumps up and calls her a fat ugly loser before aggressively stomping away. It was horrible. Half the bar went quiet.
Then it turns out Nerd Boy wasn’t quite done yet. He stomped back in to say "By the way, just because you’ve played Ocarina of Time doesn’t make you a true gamer, you idiot!" He then turned around with a huge smile on his face, confident that he had just totally humiliated her and saved his own face before leaving. I think about that guy often.
35. Unsolicited Appraisal
My very high best friend thought the following would be a smooth exchange with his crush of a long time: Goes up to this girl, and in his stoned voice: "Y-you know, your phone is absolutely worthless..." "Excuse me, why do you say that?" With a creepy grin, "Because you don't have my number in it!" Proceeds to laugh uncontrollably.
36. Baby You Can Drive My Car
The girl I liked asked me to drive her home from school one day. I decided to not wear my seatbelt, just to seem cool. It was the first and only time I've ever driven without a seatbelt on. After I dropped her off, I got into a car accident. Luckily, it was just a fender bender and no one was hurt. Served me right, I guess.
37. Doing a Stomach Stand
I was dating a gymnast back in high school. One time, we went to a park and I saw a set of parallel bars that were clearly designed for stretching. Nevertheless, I'm convinced that I can do a handstand on them because I'm awesome. She keeps insisting that they are too far apart, but I refuse to listen. I attempt said handstand, and wouldn’t ya know it? They were too far apart after all! So I collapse down, jamming my chest past my hands while straining and tearing all the ligaments holding my chest muscles to my breastbone. Good times were not had later, or for a long while after.
38. A Poet But She Didn't Even Know It
I memorized the complete poetic works of Robert Frost. She did not care.
39. I Wanna Rock and Roll All Morning
I have an amazing story about something like this! I was 14 years old and totally fully in love with this girl from my class. It’s important to mention that we often kinda flirted for a whole year, but got nowhere. She was the kind of girl who likes attention, so you can imagine how she kept me all worked up despite knowing I actually had no chance with her.
Since it was getting close to Valentine's Day, I decided that I was going to try to impress her and win her over by learning how to play guitar and surprising her with a serenade of all of her favorite songs! After spending a full week practicing like a madman, I somehow managed to actually learn to play two of the songs that I knew she loved.
So fully prepared and convinced that I had hit the jackpot, I show up at her house on the morning of the 14th and call her out, telling her that I had a surprise for her. She pops her head out of the door, takes a quick glance up and down at me and my guitar and nopes the heck out of there, asking me politely to please leave. Well, my master plan might not have worked out as I had hoped, but hey! At least I now know how to play the guitar!
40. Giving Her the Shirt off His Back
So, to start with, I’m a very hairy guy. Both my chest and back are just completely plagued with hair. Believe me, it’s bad. Anyway, about three years ago, I had this huge crush on a girl. I had been telling my best friend that this girl was literally perfection in my eyes: beautiful, smart, hilarious, and down-to-earth.
The only problem was that I just could not find a way to ask this girl to hang out with me without becoming awkward and making a fool of myself. I mean, I would turn into a bumbling fool whenever I just said hi to her or made small talk, so how in the hell was I supposed to ask her out? What was I going to do? It finally hit me, though.
This girl does waxing as a side job, and I’m a hairy guy. It’s perfect, right? What if I make up some excuse and get her to wax me? Sounds like a plan that could never fail! So, one day, I send her a text and make up some reason as to why I need my chest and back waxed. Of course, she accepts the job and, next thing I know, I’m at her house lying shirtless on my back.
As she begins applying the hot wax to my chest, it suddenly starts to hit me that this might not have actually been the best way to get her to hang out with me. She applies the strip and RIP! Out comes a chunk of chest hair. I am not kidding when I say that it really, really hurt. I’m now doing my best not to show any pain, but it’s darn near impossible.
My face is obviously giving it all away, and she’s having a blast with it. Of course, I want to just tell her, “You know what, forget it! This isn’t for me after all!” But I can’t. I put myself in this situation just to spend time with her and I can’t back out now. So I just sit there and take it. Before I know it, my chest hair and back hair are both completely gone.
By the end of it, I was filled with regret, I bled a little, and my wallet was $50 lighter. I left a broken, hairless man, and I realized how absolutely pathetically desperate I was to spend time with her. I took a wax of my chest and back for that girl! However, there is actually a happy ending to all of this. We’re currently engaged to be married later this year. She loves to hold this story over my head because she finds it adorable that I took a full on beating just so I could spend some time with her. It’s mildly embarrassing to say the least, but I gladly take it because it makes her smile. If that’s not true love, I don’t know what is!
41. How Can This Possibly Go Wrong?
Middle school. Cute Guy was overheard saying that he was impressed because a girl he knew had farted out loud and, not only did she not die of embarrassment, she just laughed it off. He thought that this was really cool because it showed she was secure and full of confidence. My friend had a crush on this guy and got it in her head that she needed to impress him, too.
We all tried to talk her out of it, but she was determined. She basically sat near him as often as possible for several days, trying to constantly fart and act like it was no big deal. Shockingly, he was not impressed, they did not date, and they are not celebrating any major milestone anniversaries later this year.
42. Hearse, Don’t It?
I tried to impress a girl by attempting to razor scooter down the steepest hill around. Instead, I crashed into the back of a funeral hearse and shattered its back window. There was a dead body inside on its way to the cemetery. The deceased’s family was there waiting to take the coffin out. I was covered in blood and glass. I got up, grabbed my scooter, and hobbled away to the nearest alleyway without even pausing to process what had happened. Girl was not impressed…
43. Diving Right in
Me, 15-16, gets invited from a mutual friend to a pool party. See old friends, make new acquaintances, and there she is. The girl I had a major crush on. She smiles and waves and continues floating around on her back. Attempt to dive over her, like a boss, and end up kneeing her right in the nose. There's blood, screaming, and a hundred seething fingers pointed right at my feels. She ran away crying, and I never spoke to her again. I ended up seeing her about a week later, it was bad. I still feel terrible.
44. Fart Failure
Twelve years old, hanging out at my friend's for the night. His sister also had a girlfriend spending the night. They were hanging in the sister's bedroom and we were playing video games in the den. I thought it would be funny to crack the bedroom door and moon them. Their backs were turned from the door, and after 10 seconds or so with them not noticing I thought it'd be funny to rip a fart to get their attention. Bending over in the middle of the doorway, pushed one out. Pooping.
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