No one ever said that dating was supposed to be a walk in the park, but come on, it’s not supposed to be like this! From blind date nightmares to online dating disasters, these people didn’t find the one—but at least they ended up with some truly crazy stories to tell.
1. Twist Ending
I once went on a blind date with this girl. We started with a movie, and everything went okay throughout. The real disaster actually only happened as we left the theater. After the movie finished, as we were pulling out of the parking lot, she saw her father leaving the same movie…with a woman who definitely wasn’t her mother.
2. Stay Hydrated
It was my freshman year of college. He took me to Wendy’s for a date because neither of us had a lot of money. He had one of those monotone voices, and could drone on and on and on about nothing. He was telling one such story when I swallowed my water the wrong way and started coughing. This was still a date, so at first, I tried to politely expel the water, but to no avail.
As he continued to talk, I started hacking all over the table. Tears were streaming down my face, water was dribbling down my chin, and I was pounding my own back at a futile attempt to get the devil water out of my system. He kept talking. Trying to hold the water in at first was a bad idea. I could not stop coughing. But then it got so much worse.
I bent down under the table, hoping the angle would make it easier to cough up the liquid. Everybody in the whole restaurant was staring at me in silence. Except for my date, of course. He was still telling his story. I finally finished hacking up my lungs and tried to listen to the rest of his story. I had no idea what he was talking about.
He continued with his anecdote, unfazed by my wet, red face and smeared make-up. When he finally finished, I apologized for my coughing fit and explained that I had swallowed my water the wrong way. To which he replied, “Oh, I was wondering what was wrong with you.” Thanks, my dude. We did not have a second date.
3. True Blind Date
I once had my blind date walk into the restaurant wearing a niqab. She was not Muslim—and her reason for wearing one made me want to flee. See, she wanted us to have a conversation without me knowing what she looked like. Kind of a “what the heck” moment out of a TV show…but I saw her point. I ended up disliking her based on her personality.
4. For Your Eyes Only
I went on a date with this guy who seemed really sweet. We went out to a really classy dinner. The food was great, the atmosphere was fantastic…but at the end of the main course, he whipped out his phone and started showing me pictures he’d taken of his private area. Like…different angles, lighting, dynamic effects.
I rode with him to the restaurant, so I had to sit next to him on the ride home and fight the urge to fling the door open and tuck ‘n roll.
5. The Talking Cure
I had recently started dating this guy, and we were on our way to Circuit City to browse around for a few things he needed for his computer. While in the car on the way there, an annoying techno song came on and I commented on how I couldn’t stand how often they played it on the radio. He turned it up a bit, telling me that he liked the song.
I laughed and jokingly said, “OK, well I’m not talking to you until this song finishes!” I smiled at him and looked away, just enjoying the car ride. This turned out to be a huge mistake. We park the car and I immediately sense that something is wrong. He’s walking a few paces in front of me, clearly trying to avoid walking side-by-side.
I let it go and run to catch up to him. I take his arm and kiss him on the cheek and proceed to walk to the store with him. Again, he seems distant. I ask him what’s wrong and he tells me he’s fine. I let it go and decide to enjoy the shopping we were there to do. We’re browsing through the store, and suddenly I realize that he’s nowhere to be seen.
It’s around 7:00 PM at the time and the store was pretty crowded. I figure he must have wandered to another aisle and I do the same. 15 minutes later, there is still no sight of him. AT ALL. I’m walking through the store searching for him, and nothing. It’s now 8 PM. I call his cell phone and it rings out. I walk out to the car, and it’s empty. There are about six other stores in the complex and I wasn’t about to walk to each one searching for him.
It’s now 8:45 and I’m getting scared. The store closes at 9, so there aren’t that many people there. Finally, the store is closing and I walk out to the nearly empty parking lot. Well, there he is, sitting in the car. I run over with tears in my eyes, asking what happened. He looks at me calmly and says, “Now you know how it feels when the lines of communication have been cut.”
6. Mary’s Not Here, Man
I was supposed to meet this woman, Mary. I got to the designated spot 20 minutes early. No one for a while. About 15 minutes after I was supposed to meet her, a woman walks by. “Are you Mary?” I asked her. “Are you [arichi]?” she asked me. “Yes, I am.” She replied, “I’m not Mary.”
7. Paging Dr. Freud
I went out with a guy who talked about his mother literally the entire time. I knew her favorite foods, movies, where she went to college, how she makes her spaghetti sauce…you name it, I heard it. At one point I suggested he date his mom since no other person could compare to her. He looks at me almost like he’s contemplating it.
I look at him like he’s psychotic, and he yells at me and says that anyone who is half the woman his mother is should get down on their knees and thank God for their blessing. Fast forward two years and he married his dad’s high school sweetheart. True story.
8. Shaken, or Crushed?
Drove a total of six hours to meet a guy I was talking to online who seemed nice. We saw a movie together which was largely uneventful, and we got back to his car and he starts telling me to crush his junk.
9. Fossil-Like Opinions
I once went on a date with a girl and this is how the conversation went: Her: “So, what’s your favorite book?” Me: “Tough, but when I was little I LOVED Jurassic Park.” Her: “Yuck, Jurassic Park.” Me: “The book or the movie? EVERYBODY loves Jurassic PARK!” Her: “I don’t believe in dinosaurs.” Me: “Fossils?!??!??!” I was already at the end of my rope, but her next response just blew my mind.
Her: “I don’t want to get into it, but I think fossils are BS.” I ended the conversation there and held onto the night. Until later on when she told me, “I don’t believe in outer space,” and my head freaking exploded.
Tip: Kiss And Tell
It’s an age-old question: Do you kiss on the first date? If your mother ever made you feel bad about puckering up, just let her know that you’re not in the minority. Over 70% of Americans say they would kiss someone after a first date.
10. Mission Failed
I wasn’t feeling great, but decided to meet anyway. We met at a Belgian beer bar. She was gorgeous, fun, and totally into me. I felt a gas pain, so I leaned forward slightly to quietly relieve the pressure. I completely and explosively pooped myself. The odor was immediate. I excused myself to the bathroom, but the damage was too great.
I walked out of the bathroom, muddy-panted, out of the bar, and boarded the train for home. The date was nothing compared to the horror of the following three weeks, recovering from E-coli.
11. Chuck Palahniuk, Eat Your Heart Out
I was sitting in a hot tub. It was about the third or fourth time I hung out with this girl. Everything was going great and we were making great conversation. I was really getting to know her. Out of nowhere, she says, “I want to let you in on something I haven’t told anyone.” I say okay, and she drops this on me.
She goes: “When I was six years old, my best friend and I were having fun in a hot tub. We were doing handstands just being kids. Well, she got her hair stuck in the bottom vent and drowned. I tried to pull her out but I was too young and weak. So, I ran to get my parents. They couldn’t get her out… But the paramedics got her free by cutting off some of her hair.”
I was shocked and didn’t have any idea what to say. I told her I was sorry that happened and asked if she wanted to get out if the hot tub. She wanted to stay in. After an hour or so, we ended up hooking up in the hot tub. I still don’t understand how you can’t pull someone out of a hot tub in a life or death situation like that. But then again, what do I know about hot tub vents?
12. The Secret Admirer
I just finished dating the craziest of the crazy. We’d had quite a few incidents together and it ended with me calling her dad; who then called her and threatened to report her car stolen if she didn’t come home and quit stalking me around town…and that’s not even the half of it. So, a month or so later I get a flower and a note on my car from a “secret admirer” saying she’s been watching me for some time but is too shy to meet me.
I know it’s my ex, it has to be, so I pass it off. She leaves another note with an email address and I send her an email telling her I know who she is and to leave me alone. She insists she isn’t my ex and we go back and forth a few times about it. I caught her defending my ex a few times, which was the clearest giveaway.
A few weeks go by, with me continuing to try and ignore this situation and finally she says she wants to call me to prove she isn’t my ex—even though she’s already claimed to know her at this point. I say what the heck, and give her my cell number, since my ex already had it. Sure enough, later that night I get a call from a number I don’t recognize. I answer, even though I’m pretty sick of dealing with her crap at this point.
Lo and behold there’s a girl with a voice I don’t recognize claiming to be this admirer on the other end. At first, I had a hard time believing it, but I know my ex’s voice and this definitely wasn’t her. The girl took ownership for all the things that happened and even answered a few suspicious questions about her alleged events. She finally says she has to go because she’s at work and hangs up.
I’m shocked. I’d never had anyone do anything like that for me before and I’m a romantic deep down so at this point, I’m pretty entangled. Finally, she says she wants to meet and I—eagerly, with my heart on my sleeve, agree. We go to a bar I usually frequent and I grab a stool at the bar and order a drink. Finally, the bartender walks over and sets down a beer in front of me saying a young lady bought it for me.
I ask him to point her out and follow his index finger across the bar to a table. I should’ve known. Sure enough, there at the table sat my ex. I told him to dump the drink down the sink and stormed over to her, as angry with her as I was at myself for being so stupid. The only thing that didn’t make sense was the phone call, so I demanded she explain.
She finally gave in and told me she put her roommate up to it, which was pretty crushing. I couldn’t believe another human being would let her brief her on everything that’d been going on and pretend to be this girl just to screw with me. After that, I left and told her if she ever talked to me again, I’d get a restraining order.
13. The Spicy Date
My first date ever. I went for a blind date downtown. At the time I lived in the suburbs, so it was an hour by public transit. We met up at a Thai restaurant and ended up ordering the same dish. The food was spicy and all the heat came from one pepper per dish. We dared each other to eat our pepper. He spat it out. I didn’t.
I took three trips to the washroom within the next hour and drank a lot of milk, provided by the restaurant as a courtesy. The conversation was terse. I felt awkward. Is this how a date is supposed to go? We left and, since neither of us were familiar with the area, we went to some nearby department store to window shop.
We ended up in separate parts of the store, mostly because we didn’t have very much in common. I’m thinking about how much longer this date is going to last when I feel it. A rumbling in my bowels. I knew at that point that I had to go to the bathroom immediately. It wasn’t something that was going to be negotiated.
I make a mad dash to the nearest store employee, who informs me there isn’t a washroom in the store. The guy is nowhere in sight so I run off to a place next door where they reluctantly let me use their basement toilet. Too late. I poop my pants on the way down. I spend the next hour cleaning up in the washroom with an ungodly amount of toilet paper.
There’s no cell service, so I can’t call the guy with some quick excuse. By the time I get out, he’s long gone, not that I really wanted to see him at that point. I was supposed to see a friend around that time but he assumed I ditched. That’s not too bad. The worst part was that I had to take the subway back, an hour commute, with a mess hidden in my pants and, oh god, I’m sure people knew.
14. Alarm Bells
I met a guy online and suggested that we go for a drink. He said he doesn’t drink, which I didn’t think anything of at the time, so we met for dinner. Super attractive guy, got along well, but throughout the conversation it came up that he didn’t have a car. I asked why, and he told me, there had been an accident but it’s hard to talk about.
Silly me, thinks he was probably injured in the accident and so I just let it go. Then he drops on me that he has to be home by 10, because he lives with his mom and has a curfew. Ok, now I’m weirded out but I assume this curfew is his mother’s doing. So, I ask if she’s just really strict or if he did something to deserve a curfew. He said he deserves it.
Now the alarm bells are going but I still stupidly offer him a ride home so he doesn’t have to take the bus. Keep in mind, my last boyfriend lived with his parents so it wasn’t a totally weird situation to me…though it was getting there. We get back to his place and sit in his driveway talking for a bit and it finally comes out that this “accident” was him getting drunk and driving the wrong way down a one-way street. But it doesn’t end there.
He had also run over a pedestrian, killing her. He was brought up on charges of manslaughter and was currently out on bail while awaiting trial. Now, this is bad enough, but what really sealed the deal, and this is 100% true, at this very moment a woman walks up to the car, bends over to look in my window, and screams, “I KNEW IT!”
She then starts shrieking at my date in French. My French isn’t great so I didn’t catch most of it. She then turns around, gets in her car, and peels off. My date apologized and said, I swear, she’s not like my girlfriend or anything! I just quietly said, “I think I should go.” It honestly didn’t even feel real. And there you have it.
15. Buffalo Wild Wings
I was out to lunch with a co-worker and his girlfriend, and she needed to know why I was single. She likes to play match-maker a lot and she just HAD to set me up. Oh, how ominous. So, I got this girl’s number and on day 1 we have a pleasant exchange of information via cell phone (text only). Day 2, she started texting me a lot more.
This girl decides that we need to take turns asking each other anything-goes questions, responding honestly, and then returning a different question. Ok, this is bearable and not that weird. So, this goes on literally like all day. From like 3 pm until midnight or 1 am. Anytime I start taking too long in between text messages, she texts me random song lyrics from wildly different genres.
Day 3, I am busy with work most of the day and I don’t text her until like 9 pm at night and she’s being a little “moody” expressing her concern about why we weren’t texting 200 times again today. Day 4 is date night. I agree to meet her at Buffalo Wild Wings. She chooses the time, I agree, we state that we will meet and whoever gets there first will get a table. 7:45 pm is our rendezvous time.
I’m early for everything, but I held myself off and waited until about 7:50 to walk in, hopeful she had got us a spot. Nope, not there yet. No big deal. I get a table, have a nice chat with the cute waitress. 10, 15 minutes goes by and I get a text that she is running late. Yeah, no kidding. I tell her where I am sitting. I order a beer to pass the time. 25 minutes have gone. Still nothing.
I order some potato wedges and another beer and text her again. She’s “on the way.” I decide internally that when my beer is done, I pay and leave. Unfortunately, the potato wedges and the football on TV slow me down and 45 minutes have gone by and I am just about to find the waitress and pay up…I turn my head and there is my date.
We greet and say hey and she tells me a little bit more about herself and over the next 10-20 minutes she takes me on a magical voyage of vapid, unrestrained blathering. She is one of those people who constantly makes comments about how she is “just so quirky” and how witty and clever she is. And she does these weird, side-ways smiles and strange looks after every sentence because hey, she’s just so quirky right?
Eventually, dinner happens, and she takes like 35 minutes to eat like six freaking boneless wings. After she finishes, I make every effort possible to alert our waitress I am ready. This girl was great, she keyed in on me right away and knew I was patiently waiting (and looked like I was being stood up) and was very diligent about coming by and exchanging a quick chat with me while I nursed my beers.
I grabbed her, got the bill, tipped well, and left. I just got it all on one bill and paid for this blind date. I told her, “You can pay when you take me out next week!” With the fakest smile anyone has ever mustered. After my blind date finally left and went back to her car, I handed the ticket to my waitress. She took out the customer-copy receipt and wrote her number on the back and handed it to me.
I gave an admittedly confused look. “I was with you for the whole thing, and that was brutal. You’re a saint. Let me take you out and redeem woman-kind. Any man who would wait for someone like that for 45 minutes is at least worth that.” Been with her 1.5 years strong!
16. Enter the Matrix
So, I was talking to this girl online and she was the one that initiated the first contact by commenting on my pictures and saying that she thinks I look good. We started chatting after that, talking on the phone and everything seemed to be just fine, and then she invited me to come and visit her, so I accepted the invitation. This was the start of one of the most awkward experiences of my life.
I had to take the bus an hour outside of my town, and I had to ask the bus driver to stop at a location where the bus ordinarily doesn’t stop because this girl lived somewhere remote. I got out of the bus and I met her, and she was dressed like Trinity from The Matrix. We started walking into the nearby forest, and right away I start to feel uneasy about this.
The road wasn’t lit and there were no houses; nothing, just trees and darkness. We walked in silence since she wasn’t able to hold up her part of the conversation—she replied with one word or just remained silent. I should have turned around at this point, but I was trying to be open-minded when it came to dating.
After a while, a little boy appears on a bike and he rides it in circles around us; falling over every now and then, biking off the road, occasionally hits a tree. The girl doesn’t mind this at all. At some point, I have to ask: “Who is this? Do you know him?”—“Don’t mind him, he is mentally challenged.”—“What?”—“It’s my brother, there’s something wrong with him.”
The situation starts to become surreal. I’m walking through a moonlit road in the forest with Trinity and her mentally challenged brother. Until I finally see it…the house. This scene is taken straight out of a horror movie. It’s just one lonely house in the middle of the forest. When I see the house, my initial thought is: “This is where I’m going to die.”
But I get into the house, and I meet her father at the door, he doesn’t understand what I’m doing when I try to shake his hand. I don’t think Trinity has told him that she was going to have company over, and I guess they never have guests here. We walked over to her bedroom, and this is where it gets really weird because her walls are black.
On the wall, she has painted this Satanist symbol. The room is lit by candles and her bed has skulls on the bedpost. There is nothing else in this room, and then she proceeds to sit on the floor and starts to ask me repeatedly: “What should we do?” I’m paralyzed by fear at this point, but I have to ask: “So you are a Satanist?”—“Yes, I worship the Devil.”—“Do you melt in sunlight?” I actually asked this, and she laughed.
I then asked: “Is that why you live like this? Because the villagers have driven your family away?” She laughs again. I the other hand, am completely serious. Then her mother storms in and yells: “Stop screwing around, it’s time for dinner.” Then she asks me, “Do you eat goat?” I’m stunned. After what seems like an eternity, I replied that I’m fine.
But I’m here, with a Satanist in the middle of the forest and the family eats goat. That goat had to have been sacrificed in some sort of ritual to please the Devil. I thought: “Oh, alright, I have to survive this, I have to be polite, these people have to lead me back to the bus stop.” So, I put on my brave face, suffer through the evening, I even make out with Trinity just to ensure that I was going to be able to leave.
I get a ride to the bus and on the way, she forces me to hold her hand in the car. And the moment I leave the car the texts start piling up, with her telling me that “It feels like you love me.” When I was secured on the bus I replied: “You will never see me again.” I had to cut a lot of things out, for example, that she spent the entire evening talking about her ex-boyfriend; an alcoholic that never got dressed unless somebody told him to get dressed, and that got her number by stalking her for a month and so forth. It’s just the most bizarre thing I have ever been through.
17. Pics First
Back in high school a buddy of mine decided to try to set me up with one of his many chick friends who didn’t have a date to homecoming. Now, this guy has slightly different tastes in women than me, but I decided to go for it. I knew nothing of the girl I was going with until I met her the night of. She was unattractive physically and had a terrible personality.
Of course we went out got dinner and went to the dance and stuff, but that night was terrible from my perspective. Me and him now have a mutual agreement that if one of us is setting up the other, at least a picture, and some basic description of personality.
I was set up on a blind date with my roommate’s girlfriend’s roommate. It was actually a double-date, and we walked from their place to a Mexican restaurant nearby. On the way there, we saw my date’s ex drive by (they’d broken up fairly recently after a long relationship). She, apparently, was assured that we were all just going to dinner as friends and that this most definitely was not a date, so she vented about her ex several times over the course of the meal.
It wasn’t until I paid for her meal that she realized that it was, in fact, a date. I, of course, thought that she was a crazy girl, and I had just been burned by another crazy girl, so I was wasn’t going to make that mistake again. That was eight-and-a-half years ago. Right now, our three-year-old daughter is playing with her toy trains in our living room.
Tip: What’s Your Number?
Sometimes it’s hard to believe we’ll ever be ready to get down on one knee and propose, but scientists have some hard facts and numbers about when people head to the altar. On average, men have six relationships before finding “The One” they marry, while women are only slightly behind that, with five relationships before marriage.
19. Running Away to Narnia
I got set up with the daughter of one of my parents’ friends. I wasn’t really looking forward to it, but I was on break from college, and she apparently went to school not far from me, so it wasn’t like a lost-cause summer romance type thing. They showed me pictures and said nice things about her. I picked her up from her parents’ place (we were both home for the summer) and was a little surprised by how pretty she was.
The pictures had been from when she was in high school, and didn’t do her justice. The date was dinner and a movie. Dinner went really well; we had a lot in common, she was very grounded and down-to-earth, cared about the environment. If I have a type, she was it. So, as we’re walking to the movie theater, I slipped my arm around her waist.
She pushed me away and got all serious. “I’m really sorry, because you seem like a nice guy, but…I’m a lesbian. I just went out with you to make my parents happy.” Sitting through The Chronicles of Narnia with her was the most awkward two hours of my life.
20. The Devil Is a Gamer
Small background on my life at the time: I had just opened up a LAN Center, I had been working every day for the last four months to prepare for the opening. So, my friend set me up with a friend of his wife. I picked her up and took her out to this nice restaurant in town. Trying to decompress from a full four months of work was a little bit difficult, but I managed to not talk about work at all.
We picked up on interests and things we like to do outside of work. Since my work at the time was games, I didn’t really bring up that I played games and ran a LAN center. Somehow the conversation turned into major dislikes and turnoffs and she brought up how much she hated gaming. She went on a five-minute tirade on how games are the devil and those who sell them and enable children to play them are the problem with society.
Computer games are going to be the downfall of society as we know it and she won’t have anything to do with them. I quietly sat there listening with a dumb grin on my face which she interpreted as agreeing with her. She finishes talking and then goes, “So what do you do for a living?” I sat there for a second thinking how to respond—but then I finally came up with the perfect answer: “I’m the devil and I corrupt kids’ souls.” She freaked out and hurried out of the restaurant. I don’t think she got the joke…
21. The Cherry On Top
I was set up by a friend when I was 16. He took me to the movies (at the mall) and awkwardly tried to make out. Then we sat in the food court and he asked my honest opinion of him. I mumbled something typical like, “You seem nice.” Without invitation, he then delved into what he thought of me, which was attractive but could be really hot if I lost 5-10lbs. Then he left me for a bit, which was weird, and returned with a lovely gift…a creepy puppet.
22. Stranger Than Fiction
I went out with a really gorgeous girl who I didn’t know was bipolar and off her meds. She wanted to drive, so we took her car. We went to dinner, which was fine, and then a movie, where she got more and more agitated and then excused herself. I thought she was going to a bathroom, then said out loud, “No, she’s bugging out,” and walked out and found her in the parking lot searching for her car.
She screamed at me that I’d been making fun of her, the people in the theater had been making fun of her, and the people in the movie had been making fun of her. I got her calmed down and got her home, and on the way found out that she was bipolar, she had stopped taking her meds, she was into self-harm, and the car was stolen.
She kept calling after that asking when we were going to go out again. Nope, nope, nope.
I went on a date with a guy who I met on the Internet. We decided to go get a coffee, take a walk around town, and if that all went well, we agreed we’d go see a movie. We met up and went to the coffee shop, where he slowly began to turn bright red and start sweating profusely. He played it off and said, “let’s go for that walk.” It was winter in Chicago, and somewhere around 15 or 20 degrees out, but I was game.
Obviously, the dude was nervous and I was hoping the walk would calm him down. Throughout the walk, he fluctuated between somewhat comfortable to being uncomfortable looking, but none of it was enough for me to take much notice. Nerves calm, right? After our walk, we agreed that we’d go to the movie. It would give him a chance to sit and relax, and we wouldn’t have to talk.
We were standing in line and he looked at me and said, “I can’t do this… I can’t do this, I’m sorry,” and ran away. Literally hauled his butt away from me. Later, I got an email from him saying I was prettier in person than he’d imagined, and so nice, that he just freaked out and couldn’t deal. It didn’t make me feel any better at all.
24. Forever Goth
I was set up on my first blind date by a friend who swore up and down that this guy was perfect for me. I asked her if he knew that I am basically a very geeky goth, and she said he had a thing for goth girls. We get to the restaurant and have a decent appetizer, talking about generic things like school, movies, and books and the server came by and took our orders. Then everything went haywire.
When she left, he clapped his hands together and said “Well, I guess we should get this out of the way. If we’re going to date, there are a few things you need to do:” He then gave me a laundry list of “tasks”: Lose weight, dye my hair brown, get a tan, dress in the clothes he picked out for me, remove all my piercings, remove my tattoos, don’t play video games.
I remember hearing all of what he was saying and just thinking “This is a joke. A TV host will jump out and tell me I’m on a joke show.” That never happened. People near us overheard this and began craning their necks, trying to look at me and see what was so “awful.” He ticked off all the things I needed to change and then sat back, smiled, and asked when I would be able to get started.
The server came back with our meals, and I have a lovely plate of pasta in front of me. I don’t know what got in my head, but I picked up my plate and dumped it into his lap. I left the restaurant, walked down the block, went into a convenience store, and called a different friend to pick me up, and told them the whole story. I cried a little and basically felt absolutely hideous. The person who set me up on the date was horrified, said she had no idea he’d do something so awful.
That was my first, and LAST blind date. It’s been a while since that awful day and I can proudly state that I am still as goth as I was then. And no one keeps me away from my SNES.
25. This Was A Test, And You Failed
My blind date gave me an IQ test on the spot. When he found out that I had a “good score,” he said he won’t be able to date me because I’m too smart for him and I will end up making his life miserable. It’s safe to say that I was very happy to see the back of him by the end of the night, probably happier than him to be leaving me.
26. Second Impression
After our date, he gave me a verbal report card in the car. One of my negatives was that “I took too small of bites.” Apparently, my good table manners made him nervous? But one of my positives was that it seemed like I liked to be in the kitchen? About two hours after the date, he called me to tell me that he had looked through my entire Facebook and read all of my blog.
He had decided that I was cooler than he’d thought on our date, so he called the girl he had plans with the next night and dumped her to hang out with me more. Needless to say, there was no second date.
27. TGI Forget About It
Two friends and I are hanging out one day when we get a call. It’s our mutual friend. He wants us to come to dinner with him and his girlfriend. They wanted to go to TGIFridays. We politely decline and tell him that we are all poor college students and TGIFridays isn’t very good. We invite them over and offer to cook (my buddy is actually a really good cook).
Thirty minutes later, we get called again. It’s not our friend, it’s his girlfriend. She wants to know why we aren’t coming to TGIFridays. We reply that it is expensive and that we’d much rather cook for her and her friends (we learned earlier that she was actually trying to set us up with three of her friends).
“But it will be better! You’ll enjoy yourself!” “I’m sorry, but we can’t really justify spending that much! We have food here, we’d love to meet your friends, but we don’t want to go to TGIFridays.” “Oh, come on,” (patronizing tone of course), “if it’s that big a deal, I’ll pay for you.” “That’s not necessary. There are three of us.”
She continued to whine and patronize us and finally put her whipped boyfriend (our mutual friend) back on the phone. He whines to us some more. We reluctantly agree to go as long as she lets him come out with us on Friday night. Fast forward a few hours, we get to TGIFridays. We meet our friend and his girlfriend and three girls from her church group.
We tried to be civil, but they were just so boring, very Christian, and incredibly snobby. We had no desire to be there. So, we broke out the emergency alcohol stash. All five flasks of it. Got incredibly drunk. America’s Funniest Home Videos was on the television. So much funnier when intoxicated.
We got really loud and migrated to the bar to watch a basketball game. My buddy ordered a slice of cake and managed to get none of it in his mouth and most of it on the floor/table. He then heard someone with a New York accent and went over to ask them for their driver’s license so he could compare it to his fake, as NY IDs are apparently really easy to fake.
The guy was cool about it, but we were still asked to leave. We tipped pretty well if that’s worth anything.
Tip: Florida Is For Lovers
Paris may be the city of love, but when it comes to finding a sweetheart stateside, it turns out that Florida can’t be beat. While Louisiana has the most single people, Florida’s superior dating amenities like cinemas and restaurants make it the number one state to get a mate. Is this hard to believe? A little. Am I going to argue with it? No.
28. Real Men Get Lost
I have a story about a date that didn’t even get to happen. I got set up to meet somebody off the internet, who lived about an hour away. He was going to come into the city, and we would meet for lunch, go to the local Aviary, be all giggly and stuff, and hang out with some birds. Then (because I am a very emancipated woman) maybe come home for the naked fun times.
I didn’t know a whole lot about him at all, but I was willing to entertain the possibility, and it had been ages since I’d been on a date—working too hard, studying too much. The idea of a relaxing day was really pleasant. He was supposed to pick me up at noon. At 12:30, he calls and tells me he’s lost; he thinks he knows where I am, I should just hang tight.
What followed was SIX HOURS of getting a phone call every hour where I offered to come and find him, and he said nope! Nope. A real man doesn’t accept handouts like that! I made lunch, ate it. Watched a movie. Read a book. Spent a stupid amount of time on the phone listening to him curse at the city, the drivers in the city, the road signs in the city, and his car.
Finally, at nearly 7:00 pm he says, “I think I’ll stop at another gas station and get more directions,” and I just cut him off right there. “No. Sorry. No. Go home. This isn’t going to work. I’m ticked off and frustrated with you. Just go home.” “But aren’t you gonna give me a chance?” “Go home!” And then he called me the b-word and I hung up on him.
Went and played some video games. The end.
29. Up In Smoke
Picked up my blind date from a sober living house. Went to the park and ate some sandwiches she made. She was so nervous she smoked an entire pack of cigs (or what was left anyway). Before taking her back home because she couldn’t relax, she had me stop at the store. She came out with an entire carton. Then I took her home.
30. It’s Serial
I’ve only been on one blind date, a few years ago. It was with the investment banker son of one of my mother’s friends. One of her attempts at finding me a respectable boy from a good family. So that night he calls to ask if I could pick him up instead since his car broke down. I thought, no problem, and asked where he lived.
The guy was staying at a buddy’s place an hour from my house, ugh, but still no problem I thought. So, I get dressed in my cutest little black dress and heels to channel the grace of Audrey Hepburn, and gosh darn it, I think I did well. I pick the guy up and he’s not all bad. A little on the short side but he has a cute face and seems fit.
So, we get to the restaurant and order. He gets a few drinks into him and we have a conversation about jobs/stuff/blah blah but then it arrived at who we admired. His answer chilled me to my core: Patrick Bateman from American Psycho, just, ya know, without the killing and stuff. He said he admired the character and aspired to live that kind of life (without the killing of course).
DING DING DING…the alarm bells were going off in my head. So, trying to change the subject, I mention the frat that he was in (we both went to the same university) and that I knew some of the guys. He then proceeds to tell me that, yeah, all his friends were just vehicles for him to get ahead in life and that he didn’t really like any of them. Okay.
Then comes the check. He forgot his wallet. So, I paid. Just awesome. By now I was just looking for this night to be done with, but no. Things had to get more fun. On the way back to the garage we pass by an alley and he leans in and whispers into my ear and says, “You’re really hot and I want to screw you behind that pile of garbage,” and he LICKS MY EAR!
WAaaaaaaah blashhldflka Do Not Want! I told him the night is over, gave him some money, and said that he could take public transportation home. I then called my friends and went out to a bar to drink the experience away. Needless to say, I was jumpy for a few days, expecting an ax to come out from a corner at any moment.
31. Parallel Lives
3-4 months ago, I was talking to a girl on OkCupid. Things were going pretty well and we decided to get together. I was on a budget because I was saving to move out of the country, so I suggested a local Thai place which had $0.25 cent beers with an entrée, figuring the food was pretty decent and the cheap beer wouldn’t hurt.
I offered to pick her up, but she declined, which is completely respectable. The night of the date, I’m running about five minutes late and feeling a bit rushed when I get a call from her. Even though I gave her an exact address in an easy to find place in town, she’s having trouble getting there. She ends up calling me back 6-7 times in the next 45 minutes as she tries to find her way there, no advice I could give was helping this girl.
By this point, I’ve already been there 30+ minutes and am about three-quarters of the way through my first beer. Red flags about how incompetent this girl must be are going crazy, but I’m already on the ride. The final time she calls me she says, “Hey, is there parking lot?” to which I reply, “No, it’s all street parking, but there were a lot of open spots when I parked.” She then replies, “I don’t know how to parallel park.” Mind you this is a city, parallel parking is a way of life.
I’m pretty dumbfounded that she doesn’t possess this skill. This is already a nightmare in my mind, and as I sit there pondering how to solve it, she asks if I would mind coming out to park her car. I agree and start walking outside, being a bit embarrassed at having to explain that I’ll be right back to the hostess.
I walk outside and a few minutes later she pulls up. First of all, this girl was not as advertised. I got Myspace-angled hard. I’m not someone who needs the perfect girl, but I’m telling you this was out of control. I climb into the driver’s seat and the first thing I say is how weird it is. I tell her I haven’t driven anything but a manual in three years and her automatic feels very strange.
I slowly accelerate and head down the block. Part of the way down I see an open spot. I let off the gas and instinctively go to push in the clutch. Instead, I stomped the brake. Hard. This girl had quite a lot of mass and wasn’t wearing a seatbelt. Any physics student knows what happened next. Her head flew forward and nailed the dashboard.
I start apologizing like crazy, and luckily she wasn’t hurt. We spent the next hour having a really awkward dinner and then parted ways. No, we didn’t call each other.
32. All She Does is Wine, Wine, Wine
I met a girl online and we talked maybe three times over the course of a couple of weeks. Then one night out of the blue she texts and asks if she should come over with a bottle of wine…I say sure, since she seemed pretty cool. She turns up half an hour later with an open bottle of wine she has half emptied already. She finishes that off within 10 minutes and I open another bottle, which is gone in another half an hour.
She passes out in my bed, waking up occasionally, trying to kiss me. She then pees in my bed and doesn’t wake up for three hours. I played PlayStation.
33. Don’t Call Me
I was set up with a friend of my roommate’s girlfriend. Let’s call the date “Lisa” and let’s call the roomie’s gf “Karen.” I knew what she looked like so I knew there was an attraction but I had never spoken with her. We met outside of the restaurant and Lisa was on her cell phone. I figured it must have been important, but as we walked in and waited for the table she kept talking about stupid junk.
She was clearly on the phone with a BFF about nonsense. She gets off the phone, doesn’t apologize, and we get seated. About two minutes later her phone rings again and it is the same, “OMG, no way!” garbage conversations. The waitress comes over and we order drinks…while she is still on the phone and I twiddle my thumbs.
The drinks come, Lisa is still on the phone….I’m half done my drink and have waved the waitress off once already because Lisa is still on the phone. I’m not proud of what I did next…ok, I’m a little proud. Finally, about 20 minutes into the call, I quietly stand up, take $20 out of my wallet, and walk out without saying a word. As I’m walking out, I see Lisa’s eyes widen to the size of dinner plates, her mouth open wide, and her face turn red in embarrassment (all of the surrounding tables had seen what transpired and were whispering to themselves about it).
By the time I got home, my date Lisa was on the phone with Karen who was over at our house at the time. It didn’t occur to me until now that my date was probably on the phone with Karen the whole time! Karen was furious. As soon as I walked through the door, she started attacking me with, “You are such a jerk, why would you just leave her there and not say anything!?!?”
I looked her dead in the eyes and calmly replied, “I didn’t want to interrupt such an important phone call,” and then walked into my room and went to bed. As I was leaving the living room, I noticed the same expression on her face that Lisa had when I left the restaurant.
34. No Match
When I was very young, probably around 12 or 13, an older friend of mine asked me if I wanted to go to a shop with him. I said I didn’t have any problems with it and happily went along. On the way there he said he was meeting up with a girl and asked if I’d mind talking to her sister. Her sister was severely handicapped and in a wheelchair.
Of course, I didn’t find this out until I met her. The girl then decided she didn’t like me and proceeded to insult me.
35. Like Mother, Like Daughter
I went on a date with a girl, and during the date, she showed me pictures of her breasts…and then her mom’s chest too, for good measure. She then asked me which was nicer. I’m still not sure what she’s doing with pictures of her mom’s goods in her purse or why she cares what a date thinks of them…I did not go on a second date to find out!
36. Magic Man
I met him on OkCupid after a serious breakup, and we talked for like two weeks. Seemed completely normal. He was a cello player and pretty smart from what I could tell. We decided to meet at a Starbucks and the conversation was good until he started doing an impression of the Joker. I’m already freaked out at this point and ready to leave.
Then he asked me why I hadn’t drank my coffee yet, and I said it was still hot. That’s when he told me that he was getting into the elements, and slowly has developed the ability to control fire. He apologized about the coffee, because he was in control of the heat and fire around us. I was intrigued at how ridiculous this was and let him continue.
He told me that he first learned of this when he was in his car and the car windows steamed up. I was trying so hard not to laugh. I politely said well this was fun, but I need to get to work.
Tip: The World Wide Web
These days, it seems like everyone is online dating. Despite the prevalence of dating apps, however, only 8% of couples admit to having met online. Most couples, a whopping 39% in fact, say they just met through friends, with work coming in a distant second at 13%.
37. Most Unladylike
I went on a blind date. The girl had an okay profile, of course single, no kids, seemed intelligent enough to not type like a four-year-old. I dressed nicely, and picked her up promptly at 7. She seemed nice enough, and I took her to see a movie. The actual movie was not important. It was what she did during the movie.
Throughout the entire film, she talked in almost a shouting volume, put her feet up on someone else’s chair, and threw popcorn into the audience. I was mortified to be associated with a girl who was so obnoxious, so I figured I would take her to eat, then cut my losses. I took her to Cheddars, where she could at least talk.
When we finally got a semi-decent conversation going, it went off the rails again. The server came out with a tray of drinks. She grabbed hers, then said that they brought her Coke and not Pepsi. When the server returned, she dumped the whole glass of soda on him, and demanded a refund for the meal that I was paying for! I was disgusted at this point.
Finally, I took her outside after dinner to explain that she was a nice enough girl, but I didn’t think the experience deserved a second date. She went insane, throwing rocks, trying to take my keys, etc. I never saw her again, and I don’t want to repeat the experience.
38. Some Heroes Don’t Wear Capes—They Drive Taxis
I went on a first date a few years ago. He took me to an exclusive members-only club, bought the most expensive bottles of wine, handed me his wallet to pay for them, then excused himself to go to the bathroom. It was all so I could see how much money he had. Yup, he had well over £2,000 in there. I thought that was weird but I just chalked it up to him trying to impress me in a weird way. I wasn’t impressed—but I also wasn’t prepared for what came next.
After that, he took me to a strip club where the bar staff knew him by name. I was incredibly uncomfortable, but it got even worse when two of his friends just “coincidentally” bumped into him at the club, sat with us, then hired girls for private dances three feet away from us. I stayed for five minutes, then excused myself to go to the bathroom.
The plan was to come up with an excuse to leave. I returned, took another sip of my champagne, stayed another five minutes, then simply said I had to go. They tried everything they could to get me to stay, but I refused. As soon as I stood up, I felt lightheaded. That’s when I made a truly disturbing realization.
They’d spiked my drink. I panicked and walked off, with my date following me, desperately begging me to stay a little longer. He then offered to get in the taxi with me and escort me home. Even though I refused, he still tried to get into one with me. We had a heated conversation where he kept offering to escort me home and I just kept responding with: “I’m a big girl and can take care of myself.”
The taxi driver must have sensed that something was off because he intervened. He told him I’d said no, and that was that. He drove off, asked for my address, and got me home safe and sound. By then, I was passed out in the back of the taxi. I don’t remember how I got indoors, but I remember waking up on the bathroom floor the next morning feeling perfectly fine.
In the voice of Comic Book Guy: Worst. First date. Ever.
39. The Cell Block Tango
After chatting with a girl on an online dating app for a while, I went to her house for the first meeting. I felt this was a strange request on her part. We were in deep conversation when I noticed that she was wearing a tracker on her ankle. That’s when she was forced to tell me her twisted story. It turned out, she was under house arrest because she was awaiting trial.
When I found out the reason why…my blood ran ice cold. She had been accused of killing her husband. If I hadn’t noticed the tracker, I’m not sure whether or not she was ever going to say anything otherwise. I was told a very detailed story and it was apparently some sort of accident. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
40. Covert Operations
Once, I went on a first date with a guy from my school and we decided to head back to his apartment. On the way up to his floor, he was acting really sketchy. He kept looking around for people and peeking corners. When we finally got to his room, I found out the chilling reason why. He said: “Glad no one saw us. My ex has spies and she would come if she knew you were here.”
When the date was over, I also had to sneak out on my own, because apparently, one of his suitemates was a spy for the ex. He coached me to respond, “I’m just getting some calculus homework I missed during the week,” should anyone see me and ask why I was in his room. The guy was fine, but I was not about to deal with his psychotic ex.
From the absolute paranoia he had shown me, I knew that he’d been through some stuff with her.
41. If I Could Turn Back Time
I went on a first date about a year ago. We met for lunch on a workday but I have a flexible schedule. She was 30 minutes late and then for some reason, she parked three blocks away, even though the place had an empty parking lot. It took her another 15 minutes to walk to the restaurant, which I thought was kind of annoying. But then, during lunch, she mentioned the reason why she was late for the date.
It was because she just had to stop at Target and Starbucks. We still had a good time, but after two hours I told her that I had to get back to work. I asked her where she parked and she told me. I offered her a ride to her car and she said no. About an hour later, she texted me. I couldn’t believe what that message said.
She told me that it was rude that I didn’t walk her to her car. There was no second date.
42. A Weird Feeling
It was the summer after I graduated from high school, and I agreed to go on a date with a recent college grad in his mid-20s. He picked me up, and drove me from the suburbs to a nearby train station, and we took the train to Philly. We wandered around Center City a bit, but I immediately caught on that maybe someone that was 24/25 was a bit out of my realm of maturity, especially since I think my longest relationship at that point had lasted two weeks.
He tried to lose me in a book store. But this was before smartphones, and I had no way of getting home. I couldn’t be stranded in Philadelphia, I didn’t know how to get back home, and it was night. Even though I knew what was going through his head, I followed him so he couldn’t shake me. The least he could do was be a gentleman and drive me home.
He relented, and we walked back to the subway, and he started rattling off great gems such as, “Photography is a lie…and I…am the liar.” Along with, “I always like to sit on the front of the train so I can see the tracks. One time a little kid was in the seat and I shoved him aside and told him to screw off.”
43. Pulling a Possum
So, I was going to school in New Jersey. The school that I was attending had about a 15:1 guy to girl ratio, so you can imagine how much fun THOSE parties were. So, getting pretty desperate for female attention, I turned my eyes to a couple of online dating sites. After a few weeks, I set my sights on one girl who I had talked to a few times. We decide to get together after quite a bit of flirting.
I should mention at this point that I was aware from the beginning that she had three (!) kids. I took caution to this, but figured since I wasn’t long for New Jersey, to just take this as a sign that she was romantically active. I should also mention that the town I was living in was a trash hole that didn’t house a single attractive, or even moderately attractive woman within a 30-mile radius.
So, I drive about 30 minutes to this bar in her home town the next Friday to meet her. I run into her almost immediately. I assess the situation. She’s got a cute face and a nice rack. She has a few extra pounds on her, but not to any point where I would call her fat. We have quite a few drinks while chilling, playing shuffleboard, talking to her ex-lesbian lover (another story maybe). We decide to leave the bar a few hours later.
She suggests going back to the apartment, which I assume is hers (more to come on that). Before we do though, she grabs a 12 pack of Michelob Ultra (blah) from the bar’s cooler and tells me to walk, like this a normal thing in this trash hole that is Bloomington, New Jersey. We get to THE apartment and start drinking the beer.
Conversation dies down pretty quick, so I just throw it out there, being that I am drunk, “Wanna do it?” Not the classiest moment of my life, but it worked so I’m not embarrassed about it. She takes me by the hand and we go to the bedroom. She takes off her pants, I take off mine, and we start going at it. A few minutes in, we hear the front door open—and this is where the night took a disturbing turn.
Immediately, she tells me to stop and pretend I’m sleeping. I’m all, “What?” The door to the room opens, and the light turns on. All I can hear is, “OH WHAT?!” I peek over my shoulder and see a girl and a very large guy standing in the doorway looking shocked. The guy is freaking out, and the girl is trying to calm him down, telling him it’s okay.
I’m dead, I know it. This is how my life is going to end. The only thing that saves me is when he takes the girl and throws her to the ground. This ticks her off more than I have ever seen another person get, and he immediately starts apologizing to her as they leave the room. I jump out of bed, throw my pants back on, and sprint out the door.
I later find out that it was her sister’s place/room, and she was living with her boyfriend. A boyfriend who very well could play linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys. Scariest moment of my life, and worst blind date experience.
44. Just a Couple Drinks
Met a girl from the internet. Went to a local bar where she was having happy hour with her coworkers. When I showed up, I realized that she must have started competition eating between the time the pictures were taken and the time I met her. A little awkward, but I didn’t really care too much, and her one coworker was hot (think Uma Thurman from Pulp Fiction) so I was down to chill.
We sit down and my “date” starts slamming drinks. Within 45 minutes she has become the loudest and most belligerently drunk person in the bar. Everyone is looking at us. After a bit, I politely excuse myself and say that I’m going to head home. She starts yelling at me, calling me a wimp, etc…I’m like, “what is happening,” and just walk out the front door.
She follows me, yelling…it was quite awesome. Then she sends me texts later telling me she went home with one of the guys at the bar and that I don’t know what I’m missing. It was awesome! I laid off the OkCupid for a while after that.
45. Aborting This Date
I went on a blind date two years ago with a guy one of my good friends set me up with. He just started university at USC and was majoring in political science. I thought he sounded pretty smart from what my friend told me and agreed. We met at Laguna Beach and had dinner at The Greeter’s Restaurant, which is this cute little place that doesn’t have the best decor, but has good food with large portions.
It was fine at first because he was cute and we had some things in common like music and traveling. It wasn’t until he started mentioning that he did not support gay marriage and abortions and IVF babies. I’m an IVF baby, and it’s a sore subject because my mom tried so hard to have a baby with my dad and it wasn’t until she tried IVF that she had me.
Stupidly, I asked him what he had against IVF babies. He immediately spews on and on that IVF babies are nothing more than objects of status to their parents, that it violates the rights of the child, depriving them of their true relationship with their parents, and can hinder the maturing of personality, etc.
By this point, I was done with the date and just nodded along to whatever he said. After he paid the check, he drove me home and walked me to the front door. I unlocked it and then turned around to say good night when he leaned in with his tongue already out. I didn’t know what to do so I tilted my head so he would hit my cheek.
Worst feeling ever of a tongue licking your face. When I went inside, he looked at me, shocked, and asked if I was going to invite him in. When I told him no, he got ticked and said that, “I paid for your freaking dinner!” By then, I just wanted to drink a bottle of wine by myself, so I took $10 out of my wallet, threw it in his face, and closed the door.
Tip: Speed Dating
While only 1% of couples claim they met through speed dating, these people might be onto something. According to researchers, you only need four minutes with someone to tell if you have chemistry or not. Pour one out for the slow talkers, I guess.
46. Well, That Stinks
I was chatting with this girl online and she was fairly good-looking. She was a cute, petite blonde. She was maybe 23, and I was probably 24 or so. She had a thin body with small breasts. She even sent me some sensual pics, alluded to light bondage, and seemed like she was up for whatever.
When we met, she looked just like her pic. I was happy to meet her, but there were some red flags: She started saying girlfriend-y stuff right away. She mentioned Valentine’s day, as if we were absolutely necessarily going to spend it together. BTW, she was a Ph.D. candidate in biology at a prestigious U.S. university.
Anyway, she seemed to be a little bit promiscuous, mentioning that she did it with a lot of her lab partners. That was all fine with me. What wasn’t fine was her breath. She had acute halitosis. We went back to her place where she started playing with handcuffs and such. However, I couldn’t get over her breath.
She was in just her panties, and I was probably half-naked myself, and I started to realize that my member wasn’t going to get hard. I had to make a choice about telling her that I had a bad case of nerves, or that her breath was unbearable. I gave her a line about not being over my ex, and that it just didn’t feel right yet. She was offended, started to cry, and kicked me out.
47. A Rollercoaster Of Emotions
A few years back, I was just getting out of a long relationship. My boss’s sister decided to set me up with one of her co-workers. Let’s call her Susan. So she gives me Susan’s number, and I decided to give her a ring. She sounds all right on the phone and is very open and flirtatious. I ask her if she wants to go and get some coffee, to which she says yes.
We agree to meet at her parents’ house in a couple of days and then head out to get coffee from there. In the two days between making our plans and the actual date, she starts sending me affectionate text messages that always address me as, “sweetie” or “honey.” I figure that if anything, she is just a really affectionate person and try not to read too far into it. Eventually, the time of our meeting arrives and I go to pick her up.
She is a knock out! Blonde with a full tan, and nice figure. I am kind of a schlub, and so I can’t believe my luck. As we are getting ready to go, she says that she would rather take her car since it would make her feel more comfortable. Being a good guy, I can see her reasoning and acquiesce. This would later come back to haunt me.
So we start driving when she informs me, “I’m not really in the mood for coffee. Let’s get some drinks!” Now, I am not a drinker. However, at this point, I am going along for the ride and agree. 15 minutes later finds us in a brewery sports bar. I decide to stick to soda, while Susan decides to take things slow by ordering straight shots to get things started.
Pretty soon, though, we are hitting it off really well. I tell her about growing up with an illness, and she relates how she got over ovarian cancer. We find out that we share some common interests in movie tastes and hobbies. Things are going fine until she has her third drink… “Oh, GOD!” she hisses while ducking down. “What?” I ask, confused.
“You see that guy over there? In the booth with that girl in the blue dress?” I see the one she means. “Well,” she continues, “I sorta used to sleep with him.” I am taken aback by her blunt honesty. She then goes on to explain how she lets people use her as a means to cover for insecurities. Next thing you know, she is opening up to me like I am Oprah.
All about how she likes to cut herself and how she has attempted to take her own life in the past. Then she is reaching across the bar to take my hands. She looks in my eyes and says, “You know, I feel a real connection to you…” Then her phone goes off. She checks it and informs me that it is a text from her ex-boyfriend. He is in the Marines and is shipping out the next day.
Apparently, he is coming over to meet up with us so she can say goodbye. By this time, I have realized that I don’t want to be anywhere near here. I also realize that we took her car, and she is now many drinks in. And to make it even worse, we are in a neighborhood that I have little knowledge off… I’m trapped. Pretty soon, the ex-boyfriend shows up.
Big beefcake guy in his uniform. She starts to flirt heavily with him and ignore me. She is on her sixth or seventh drink. It soon becomes known that the ex-boyfriend is also in the business of recruitment. “You ever think of signing up?” he asks me as he takes in my nerdy frame. “Nope,” I answer, “I’ve got medical dispensation.” “Oh yeah?” he asks, “What’ve you got?”
Susan starts to answer for me, “Oooh, he’s got cystic fib…” I cut her off, “I’m allergic to bullets.” He doesn’t look impressed. Soon Susan and Beefy Marine go outside and leave me to watch the table. I just want to get out of there. At this point, I should mention that Susan’s day job is as a behavioral therapist for autistic kids.
My boss’s sister is her supervisor, and I happen to know that Susan is expected to be at work at 6 AM. I know this because Susan told me. By this time it is creeping past 12. After they come back, I decide it is time to try and get this girl’s keys from her and get back to my car. But not before she can introduce me to three more exes, and one guy who she practically starts making out with in front of me.
I ask her for her keys, and say that it is time to go. “No! No one drives my car but me.” Dear God. I weigh my options, and for some reason decide that “it can’t be more than five or six blocks back to her place, she might be fine to drive that far, and if all else fails I’ll tuck and roll out of the moving car…” I get her to her car and we start heading back.
Suddenly, she looks up in her rearview mirror and screams, “COPS!” before randomly swerving down a side street. She starts zigging and zagging at high speed through residential neighborhoods. I look behind us only to see…no car. Finally, she decides that “Oh, we lost them” and heads back to her place for real this time.
Now, you think the story would end here…But there is more crazy to come. As I am trying to make my getaway, she asks me to drive her back to the bar. “If you don’t, I will drive back drunk. I’ll then drive home drunker, and probably get in a crash and die.” She tells me. Fine. Screw it. Whatever. I tell her I will give her a ride.
Before we can get in my car, however, she informs me that she has to pee. I figure that she will go in the house…I figured wrong. This chick hikes up her skirt, pulls her thong aside, squats down, and proceeds to pee on the sidewalk right in front of me. I immediately spin around and avert my eyes and mumble an apology.
“It’s ok.” she says, “you can watch. I don’t mind. In fact I kind of like it.” I decline her offer. Finally, I get her in the car and start heading back to the bar. On the way back, she grabs my hand and slams it into her crotch. She starts telling me how she feels a real connection to me, “I don’t want to say ‘soulmates,’ but have you ever seen the movie, The Notebook?”
I tell her I haven’t, “Oh, well It’s kind of like that.” The whole time as she is saying this, and my hand is in her crotch, all I can think is, EEEEWWW, she drip-dried! Then she says what is maybe the icing on the cake, “The last time I felt this way about someone and they didn’t feel the same way…” she lets out a little laugh, “I tried to kill myself.”
That’s it. Get her out of my car! I pull into the parking lot. I pull up to the curb and try to get her out as fast and politely as possible. “Can I kiss you?’ she asks. “No. I would be a little uncomfortable with that.” I tell her. “Well, what about just one on the cheek?” she pleads. I figure, fine, anything to get her out of the car. I lean over and present my cheek…
Only to have her grab my head, and then like the face-hugger from Alien, jam her tongue down my throat. I start to flail around. She finally releases her grip and exits my car. Before she goes, she leans down and says, “I really messed things up tonight. didn’t I? You’ll probably never call me again.” “No.” I lie. I then get the heck out of there.
The next morning at work, I relay this crazy story to my boss, when suddenly I get a call from his sister. Susan didn’t show up for work that morning. She isn’t answering her phone. Her parents say that she didn’t come home either, and everyone wants to know what I did with Susan. Great. Crazy chick goes missing, I was the last person to see her. I’m going behind bars.
Eventually, she turns up claiming that her phone was out of batteries and that she had spent the whole night at the hospital with her grandfather who had a heart attack. I of course know all of this is lies. But whatever, I don’t have to deal with her anymore. She’s out of my life. Or so I thought…That’s when the voicemails began.
Tearful, jarring sobs of, “I sob just sob wanted to say sob ‘hi’ to you…” and, “Hey love, why aren’t you answering my calls?” and my favorite, “What did I do?” Eventually a month later or so, she got the hint and left me alone.
48. Sore Loser
I was in my late 20s teaching SAT test prep and this guy asked me what my SAT score was. It turned out I beat him, and he spent the ENTIRE rest of our dinner trying to trump me at some scholastic endeavor from high school or college. Did I take AP courses? Yes. Did I take Calculus? Yes. Who went to the better college? Me.
Aaah, but he took some programming courses and those are really hard, you know. Dude, I’ve taken programming courses, too. It went on and on and on. The jerk would not let it go. You know, normally as a woman I tend to play down my accomplishments because bragging is bad manners, but that night I was in his face rude about being brilliant. Then he wondered why I didn’t want to go back to his house afterward…
49. An Eerie Transformation
When I was trying to date this girl, I found out about her deepest secret the hard way. We had just finished watching a movie in her dorm room when she started freaking out as she looked in the mirror. I asked her what was wrong, to which she replied “She doesn’t want you here,” and immediately kicked me out of the room.
As I was standing outside in a dumbfounded manner, I decided to text her because I wanted to know what the heck just happened. As I was walking back to my place, she texted back gibberish and stuff about her hurting her. I didn’t understand, and I immediately walked back to her dorm. She texted me to go away. I told her no and that I was waiting for her to come let me in so I could help her.
She came down and let me in. She ran back to her room and I followed. The room was extremely dark and I could barely see anything when I closed the door behind me. There she was on the floor, staring at a door mirror. She slowly turned her head at me and stared at me. It was like that for a good minute. After officially being creeped out, I asked her what was wrong.
She snapped out of it for a second. It was physically visible in her face that something changed. She told me that she was having trouble with her “other self.” It took a couple of minutes, but she eventually “changed.” She went limp and slumped over. I rushed to her but didn’t know what to do. She woke back up but definitely not herself.
It took hours for her to stop “changing.” I didn’t know how to handle her, but I eventually got her to get help after that.
50. Take A Hint
A couple of years ago, I met a guy and sort of pity-dated him for a couple of weeks. He started off seeming like a decent enough fellow, but there really wasn’t any spark at all, at least not on my side. Being naïve and rather inept on the romantic front, I did what amounted to unwittingly stringing him along by deigning to go out with him for coffee and dinner now and then.
It was still quite clear that nothing else was going to happen any time soon, barring some freak accident in an aphrodisiac factory. One day, I was hanging out with him, my best friend and his boyfriend, and a lesbian friend of mine who was visiting all the way from Austria. Pity-Date and I were in the minority as heterosexuals.
Lo and behold, he started making blatant homosexual insults under his breath, within clear earshot of my three gay friends. I took him aside and gave him what-for; I don’t tolerate that kind of stuff from anyone in any company, let alone from my date in the company of my good friends. He assured me that he had every right to say this stuff because his mother is, in his words, “a bulldyke.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and told him to just shut it for the time being and I’d give him a full piece of my mind at a more opportune time. I gave it about a week or so before deciding to sit him down, tell him what I thought of his inexcusable behavior, and break it off with him once and for all. Unfortunately, this last rendezvous coincided with my 22nd birthday.
He met me in a coffee shop, and before I could get a word out, he wished me a happy birthday and said he couldn’t wait to give me his present. This ratcheted up the awkward factor exponentially, and I almost felt bad for him for a second. Almost. For a second. I declined and said that I didn’t feel comfortable accepting a gift. His response made my jaw drop.
“Oh, don’t worry. I didn’t spend any money or anything, I was just going to take you back to your apartment and sleep with you.” I just looked at him all slack-jawed, unable to adequately process the overwhelming gall he had just exhibited. So I told him no, never mind, this was never, ever going to work. I’d had enough and wanted nothing more to do with him.
I refrained even from telling him off about his behavior since it was a moot point by now. I operated under the impression that I would be seeing and hearing no more of him ever, but a couple of days after my birthday, he called me up. I answered more out of morbid curiosity than anything else, and I’m so, so glad I did.
He called to tell me that he’d hooked up with a male co-worker in the janitor’s closet of the hospital where he worked, and that my refusal to put out for him was what drove him to do it. Suddenly the phobia made so much more sense; a textbook case of “the lady doth protest too much.” Before hanging up, he had one final request.
His words verbatim: “Since we aren’t seeing each other anymore, I guess we’ll have to find other people. So can I borrow your digital camera? I want to take a picture of my cat and send it to this girl I’ve got my eye on.” This series of unfortunate events had been relegated to bemused memory until this past New Years, when I received an unexpected e-mail from him.
In it, he expounded upon all of his theories of why I never wanted to sleep with him. 1) I’m actually gay and don’t know it, 2) I have a secret substance misuse problem, and 3) I have a long history of abuse going all the way back to my early childhood. Wrong on all three counts, bro. Did I respond to this four-year-belated e-mail? No, Sir!!
Methinks I dodged not a mere bullet, but some heavy artillery with that one.
51. Ladies’ Man
I was on a date with a guy I liked, and while he was driving, he got a speeding ticket and asked me to pay for it, since I was talking and he was “distracted” from the road. I was annoyed, but I took the ticket. He then took me to dinner at Hooters and asked me to pick up the tab so he can pay for us to get into some night club, where he spends the entire evening talking about other women he’d been with. Needless to say, there was no second date.
52. Crash And Burn
I went out on a first date with a guy who I had been talking to for a while. When we finally met, we went on a walk around the local zoo and then went to get some drinks. We were having a good time, though he brought up his ex-fiancée a few times. I don’t usually care, but eventually, it started raising red flags for me. I should’ve listened to them.
At some point, we decided to order another round of drinks. No big deal. About halfway through—boom. I could see him spacing out, repeating himself, slurring a bit. I hate being around people like that when I don’t know them, so I thought maybe I was just being a bit harsh. Cut to him being almost done with his glass—he stood up at the bar next to me, screaming about how his ex just bought a car.
Then, he yelled that she should be with HIM. He rambled on about how his sister always told him he’d never find love because he was so hung up on the ex. Eventually, I went to the bathroom and he paid the bill. I waited ‘til he walked out and ordered another drink for myself. It was the most awkward thing I had ever been through.
53. Dating Dr. Atkins
I went on a really bad date a few years ago. He took me to a restaurant and decided he would order for me. At first, I let it slide because I had never had Indian cuisine before, and thought that maybe he was just trying to show me a good dish. When the meal came, the waiter brought along some rice and naan. As I reached for the naan, he pulled the basket back and said something so rude, I’ve never forgotten it.
He told me, “Oh no, you have enough carbs on your plate.” I told him I wasn’t hungry anymore and asked for the check. As we left, he tried to force a hug on me, which I rejected. I swiftly got in my car. He sent me like 20 messages through Snapchat and called me five times, all within an hour after that. I was annoyed at the whole situation, but at least I still got my revenge.
I told my friend about it, and she completely blew up his phone with pictures of bread. I’m glad I’m not dating anymore.
54. “Never Again” Doesn’t Quite Cover It
So I met this chick online. I was having car troubles, so this particular night, she was my ride. She picked me up and we went to a mall. She seemed really cool, and we were hitting it off. We went to the Sbarro’s at the food court and got a bit of lunch. We were sitting there eating, and all of a sudden, she said something completely out of the blue that threw me off-guard: “My ex beat me.”
I was literally mid-bite. I had a little moment where I stopped chewing for a moment and then started chewing again really slowly because I had already committed to the bite. I replied, “I’m…sorry, that sucks.” She replied, “Yeah, we just broke up a week ago.” Yikes. Not only was she damaged, but I guess I was also a rebound. Great. I did feel bad for her though. But she just kept talking, and talking, and talking about nothing but her relationship with him.
At that point, I was already thinking, wow, this is a really terrible date. But it just got worse from there. She went on to tell me a story about how she told him she was going on a date with me, and he grabbed her arm and yelled at her. In my head, I was like, “What in the heavens have I gotten myself into?” I just wanted to nope out of there, but she was my ride. I had no choice but to stick around.
As walked around the mall, she stopped us and said, “Hey, let’s go into Hot Topic. I LOVE this store.” Sigh. While we were in there, she just lunged at me and kissed me. It was weird, but I just shook it off. Sometime later, I eventually told her, “Okay, well I had a really good time!” What she said next was…chilling, to say the least. She said, “Me too! You’re so great. I can’t wait for my family to meet you.”
I didn’t know how to respond to that, so I just defaulted with a smile and a nod. Obviously, I would never let it get to the point where I would meet her family. But then the worst happened. As we left the mall, she started to go onto a highway that I never, ever went on. I asked her: “Where are we going?” She replied: “To my house, duh!” Apparently, she meant “I can’t wait until you meet my family right now.”
At that point, I almost wanted to call a friend for a ride, but my friends would have loved the fact that I was in this situation. I decided to stick it out. I figured, okay, just survive a couple of hours, and then she’ll take me home. Nope. We got to her house, and almost immediately, her mom asked me to help her move a pile of six or seven heavy boxes out to the shed in the back yard.
I was too polite to say no, so I did it. I came back in, covered in sweat, muscles aching, and she said, “Thanks, sweetheart.” The girl’s brother then walked into the room and she introduced me to him. “Hey, this is my brother. He’s really autistic, so don’t pay any attention to him.” I said, “What do you mean?” She replied: “Well, everything he says is weird, so you just take it with a grain of salt.”
I really felt bad for the kid. He was interesting. He showed me his lizard and tarantula. He changed subjects all over the place and it was really hard for me to follow, but he eventually left to go do something else. After spending an hour watching TV and doing nothing with the girl, she asked me, “So are you ready to go eat?”
I should have told her I just wanted to go home, but I chickened out. We got ready to leave for Chili’s and her mom walked into the living room with her purse. “So, where we going??” I laughed. Seriously, I thought she was joking, because what mom would just invite herself to dinner on her 23-year-old daughter’s first date with a guy? I should never have underestimated this family.
She looked at me weirdly, and then back to her daughter. “Chilli’s. Is Terrance ready?” So she already knew where we were going…I guess they’d conspired about it. We go to Chili’s, and I felt like I was the big brother in the family. There was constant bickering between the brother and sister, with her egging him on, making fun of him for being autistic, and the mom only jumping in when they started kicking each other under the table.
After about an hour, we left. We got back to their house, and it was about 10 pm. I figured we were dropping off the mom and brother so she could take me home. “So, you about to take me home?” The mom suddenly jumped in. What she said was so disturbing, it’s unforgettable. “No, she’s not allowed to drive after dark. You’ll have to spend the night. It’s okay, though. Her bed’s a queen, and I don’t care what you guys do in there. I’m not the strict type.”
I was ready to call a friend because I was seriously about to panic. Not that I feared for my safety, but I was just at a 12 on a scale of 1-10 of discomfort. I pulled out my phone and it was dead. My phone was dead. Why was it dead? OH YEAH, I’D BEEN ON A TEN-HOUR DATE. I figured I would just…have to deal with this. We went back into her room and watched TV.
She kept putting moves on me; moves that were honestly incredibly hard to resist. I ended up pretending to fall asleep, and she fell asleep. I turned the TV on and watched Comedy Central until the infomercials started, and then I got up. It was way too uncomfortable for me to sleep in that situation. So I went into the living room and no one was there.
I started digging through their drawers and cupboards, looking for a charger that would fit my phone. There was only a USB cable, so I had to turn on their computer to charge my phone. I then called a friend. It was about 3 am at that point, so no one was going to pick me up, but I just needed to rant. I talked to her for a couple of hours about my night. I then eventually fell asleep on the couch.
The next morning, after watching like three hours of the Disney Channel, she was finally willing to take me home. I said nothing to her the entire way home. I wanted to just go off on her, but I sensed a lot of crazy in that family, so this was one of those situations where I found it okay to just never answer the phone calls or texts again.
After I ignored her, she ended up convincing a friend to contact me on the dating site. After we swapped numbers, she called me and the girl who I’d been on the date with was there. She yelled, in the background: “NOW ASK HIM WHY HE WON’T TALK TO ME!” I hung up and deleted my profile on that website.
Tip: Don’t Do This At A Bar
Everyone wants to know what turns women off or on, but the answer is actually quite simple. It pretty much boils down to: Don’t be a jerk. On a first date, women like it when their potential partner compliments them and is nice to servers. What they don’t like? If their date spends all their time on their phone instead of paying attention to them. Elementary, my dear dater.
55. A Two-Horse Race
I met this guy at a party. I’m pretty shy, so I ended up kind of hanging out in a corner by myself. At some point, I ran into a guy who was also a friend of a friend. He was pretty cute and funny, so we spent most of the night talking and the next few days texting and calling each other on and off.
Finally, he invited me out on a date to go horseback riding. Cool, I love horses. I’m down. We lived in a bigger city so we had to drive for about 1.5 hours to get to the place where he boarded his horses. On the way there, we chatted and seemed to be hitting it off. Bu then, about 15 minutes away, then he got really quiet. When I looked back, I knew that was the moment I should’ve run.
We got to the place and he literally hopped out of the truck before he even put the car in park. He RAN towards the stable, calling his horse’s name. I put the car in park, thinking that it’d probably been forever since he’d seen her.
I followed him to the stable where he fed her carrots and lovingly stroked her nose. He gave me a carrot and showed me how to position my hand to feed her. The horse then eyeballed me, turned her head, and walked away. Whatever. Afterward, he loaned me a horse to ride, and we went on a mini ride and picnic.
Anytime he got close enough to touch me or hold my hand, his horse would “mysteriously” veer away from me. After we were done, we piled into the truck and made the drive home. About a mile and a half from my exit, he asked me what I thought of his horse. I said I thought she was beautiful. Then he dropped a bomb on me.
He said that he and his horse were in love. The only reason he was dating was that he knew he was going to die before her. He told me that if we were to date, I was not to make him choose because he would always choose her first as she was his priority. In other words, I would be second fiddle to a horse.
I’ve had some pretty awful dates, but if I ever top that one I’m joining a convent.
56. Mamma Mia!
I met a guy online. A little older than I would have liked, but I didn’t think anything of it. I figured hey, it’s just coffee, if anything goes badly I always have a bail. I got there, and the dude was a guido. An older guido. He had a fake tan that made him look like a leather-wrapped mummy. He was balding, wore obnoxious bling, and had his shirt open to show off his chest hair, the works.
I thought it would be rude to stand him up, so I gave him a chance. Well, it turned out, the guy had a child he’d never mentioned to me before. He insisted on buying me more coffee drinks. I watched those like a hawk, but he never slipped anything into them. He went about how he was retired—even though he initially told me he was employed full time—and how he wanted ten more children. Um, nope.
I started hedging out of there, claiming that I needed to go meet a friend somewhere. At that point, I was about to claim my cat was on fire just to escape. That’s when he grabbed my arm and tried to convince me to go home with him. I dropped his arm on the table fairly hard, apologized when he let go in pain, and then dashed.
That was the creepiest guy I’d ever met. Thankfully, I gave him a Google number, not my real number, so I just disabled that number and never heard from him again.
57. How To Lose A Guy In One Date
The worst date I ever had was actually my first date ever. It was super awkward asking her out, but I told her I’d never asked a girl out before. We made plans to meet up for lunch at a burger place. I paid for the meal ahead of time and we sat down to eat. I began to eat my food, but she barely touched anything, telling me she ate beforehand.
You know…because when you’re meeting someone for lunch, you don’t want to eat with them. She then talked about her job at Starbucks and how she spit in drinks and gave rude people who asked for decaf regular caffeinated coffee. She also told me about other gross things like how she picked her nose and put it in the food, etc.
She also had the audacity to remind me that we would not be getting physical. I remind you, this was my first date with a girl ever. She knew this, yet she still felt the need to warn me…as if somehow I was giving her the signals that I needed to do it with her right then and there.
She checked her phone multiple times, texted people periodically, and seemed to be having a more interesting conversation with someone else. She went on about how ugly and fat she was, which she wasn’t. I tried to tell her different, but she just got offended. She then went on and on about how badly she wanted to date her celebrity crush.
I felt like I was not talking to a real person. It all seemed like the plot of a Kate Hudson movie or something. I was pretty well convinced that it was not going to work. Eventually, the date ended—I think it was only an hour or so, but it felt like so much longer. After that, she was still texting me, trying to make plans to go out again, but I just couldn’t.
Since it was my first date ever, I didn’t realize how bad it was until I went on more dates. Then I realized what a horrible date she was being.
58. The Pre-Screening
This all happened before the first date. He kept asking unnecessary, almost invasive questions about my dating history, but wouldn’t answer the same questions when I threw them back at him. Instead, I got some passive-aggressive statements like, “I don’t go on dates with multiple people just to keep my options open,” as if he wanted me to clarify that I also don’t do that.
When I realized the questioning was only going to be one-sided, I started giving vague answers. He then commented that I seemed disinterested in him because of this. At some point, he started talking about how he wanted a long-term relationship. He blocked me when I didn’t respond for a while, but good riddance—it was taking up way too much of my mental energy anyway.
Of course, he unblocked me the next morning. This was met with a swift block from me. This was all before we had a conversation about literally anything else. If the level of mind games was that strong at that point, then I couldn’t even imagine what a first date would look like.
59. Fools Rush In
I had a blind date with a woman and everything went amazingly well. We were on the same wavelength and it was turning out to be one of the greatest nights of my life. A couple of days later, we went out on a second date. As dinner ended, she looked at me and said she was having a great time and that she really liked me. She then asked me how serious I was about our relationship.
I was stunned at first, but then looked at her and reminded her that we were just on our second date. She said that at our ages—we were both mid-30s at the time—we knew enough to know what we were getting into. She wanted to have a family and have kids, and she did not want to wait. She said that I was the one she wanted to have her kids with.
I sat there dumbstruck. When I didn’t answer immediately, she pushed again. I just said that we should take it slowly and see what happens. She erupted, saying that she didn’t have time for that and that we needed to move quickly. When I was still too dumbstruck to speak, she lost her lid. She stormed out, screaming at me.
I got a call from the woman that set us up asking what happened and why the woman was “heartbroken.” I tried to explain, but I’m not sure she really believed me.
60. Drinking and Diving
I once met up with a girl I had spoken to online. We went to a bar in Philadelphia on a Friday night at around 6 PM. It was fun and we drank a lot, but I noticed that she was pacing her drinks much faster than me. I had around four beers in the time it took her to drink seven martinis. The martinis were costing me $15 a glass.
We are getting along well and then she says that she needs to use the restroom. For some reason, she took her jacket and purse to the restroom with her. I didn’t think much of it at the time. But after an hour of sitting at the bar alone and waiting, I realized that she wasn’t coming back and that I had just gotten used for a heavy pregame.
The bartender kinda realized what had happened. When I asked him for the tab, he shrugged and was like, “Stuff happens, mate. I took two drinks off your tab.”
61. Too Much, Too Soon
I once matched with someone on a dating website back in the days before Tinder. We got to talking and he seemed like a chill dude, even though there were a few red flags. For example, he insisted that we were a couple before we had even met and that I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone else. In spite of this, I agreed to meet up with him at a cafe by my work.
I organized with my receptionist that she would call me at a certain allotted time and tell me that I had to come back to work. That way, I had an out. I met with the guy for coffee. It seemed well enough. Then, my girl rang me, so I told him I had to get back. His response was: “I’ve got my work van here, do you want to jump in the back and have a quickie?”
I got the heck out of there and went back to work—but the story didn’t end there. A couple of months later, he ended up coming into my office to see my boss. I made polite small talk with him. Then when he left, my boss called me into her office to ask how I knew him. Turned out he was married to my boss’ niece and I had dodged a huge freaking bullet!
Thankfully, my boss believed me when I told her what had happened and we never spoke of the matter again. I was too embarrassed to ever raise the subject again, anyway, because I generally prefer to keep my private life private. I assume she never raised it again because she probably wanted to keep it between her and her niece.
My boss was also a black belt in jujitsu, so not exactly a person I was looking to get into drama with. Yes, I should have known better and ended things when the guy got possessive straight out the gate, but I was young, insecure, and lonely. It’s not a crime to want to be wanted, even though I was definitely a naive fool.
62. A Lot of Reverse Psychology Here
Someone, without a profile pic, messaged me out of nowhere saying that she didn’t like typing on her phone but wanted to meet up with me for a breakfast date someday. I generally only go out with people that I’ve talked to for a bit beforehand, but her profile said she worked in psychology and I’ve usually gotten along well with psychologists on previous dates.
So, I just decided what the heck and went for it. What did I have to lose, right? We scheduled a time to meet up at a nearby restaurant and, of course, she just didn’t show up. Fortunately, I just gave up after 20 minutes. She apologized later in the day, mentioned that she had accidentally overslept her alarm, and offered to make it up to me by going out for coffee that same evening.
For whatever reason, I agreed. I get to the cafe and, sure enough, I’m waiting for yet another 20 minutes past the time we were supposed to have been there. Thankfully, though, this time she had texted me to let me know that she was on her way just as I was leaving. So, after the 20-minute delay, she finally showed up.
Surprisingly, she was pretty physically attractive. But that’s kind of where the attraction ended. Over the course of the date, she did just about everything wrong that you can possibly imagine. She continuously gave me negative feedback about everything that I was saying. She said that she didn’t believe in the opioid epidemic and that I was an idiot for thinking it was real.
She said she didn’t believe that mental illnesses were real and that you could just get over them if you tried hard enough. After some questioning, she eventually revealed that she wasn’t actually a practicing psychologist. She just had an undergraduate psychology degree and was currently working as an Uber driver and a grocery store cashier.
She later revealed that she had two kids, but said I didn’t need to worry about them. The reason I didn’t need to worry about the kids was that the courts took away her custody of them and gave them to her parents. I also apparently didn’t need to worry about the fact that she was still married, because her husband was incarcerated.
She also assured me that they were in the process of divorce. Then, as if I hadn’t heard enough already, she spent a significant amount of time complaining about how messed up the court system is for thinking that she’s unfit to be a mother. Now, as bad as this all sounds, none of it was the worst part. That came at the end.
My actual mistake came when she mentioned that she would really love to meet my dog and play with him. I’m a bit naive sometimes in dating situations. So, I thought that, since my dog loves people, it would be a nice opportunity for him to get to play with someone new. I figured at least something good might come out of this trainwreck of a night.
Needless to say, she was not actually interested in playing with my dog. When we got back to my place, she pretty much completely ignored my dog and instead kept trying to pull me onto the bed. I use a giant beanbag for a bed and it’s in the living room, so this wasn’t hard for her to do. I’m weird, I know. But that’s beside the point.
I was not interested in sleeping with her. I’ve been in relationships with unstable people before, and it’s just not worth it. But she wouldn’t stop. She kept undressing more and more was getting frustrated at me for just standing near the door and not getting into it. I kept politely mentioning that I was tired and needed to work in the morning so it was probably best if she left.
But she refused. She kept saying that she was too tired to drive back home and that she needed to take a nap here. Given that she seemed unstable and that I was now realizing the gravity of my mistake, I said that this was fine and I set an alarm for her. Though, of course, when the alarm went off, she still refused to leave.
So, I ended up with a clothingless, mentally unstable woman passed out on my beanbag while I sat in a chair hunched over my laptop working all night so that she couldn’t try anything. Fortunately, when the morning came, she did finally leave. The whole experience was really unpleasant and I was happy to be done with it.
Then, a few days later, I got a really angry text from her because my dating profile was still up on the dating site. Apparently, she had thought we were in love now. I told her that I didn’t feel the same way. Fortunately, she didn’t remember what apartment I was in. A few weeks later, the building’s security guard mentioned to me that someone fitting her description had asked which apartment I lived in. Luckily, he didn’t give an answer.
63. Maybe She’s Just a Workaholic?
I once met a girl from a dating site at her workplace on a moment’s notice. She was a waitress and there was literally nobody else in the entire place, so she asked me to stop by and hang out with her for a bit. We talked for a few hours, and I thought we were really hitting it off. Then, things took a very weird turn.
As we’re sitting there and talking, another dude suddenly shows up to meet her. He says he’s from Tinder. Yes, she accidentally double booked herself with two guys to keep her entertained at work. As if that wasn’t bad enough, she later blogged about the experience and described me as “dull and unattractive.”
Tip: A Real Conversation Starter
Everyone gets nervous on a first date, or even a third date, and one of our biggest fears is not being able to keep the conversation going. Well, if that sounds like you, take note: Do NOT talk about your previous relationships, or at least understand it’s a big risk. A full 49% of women thought hearing about exes on a date ruined the vibe entirely.
64. A Lot of Back and Forth
As I was first going through Tinder, I matched with this guy who seemed okay and decided to go on a date with him. He lived 30 minutes away from me and picked me up from my house. I figured we were eating because he suggested we get lunch somewhere in town so we didn’t have to drive back 30 minutes, so I didn’t eat before this.
He picks me up and we drive to his apartment 30 minutes away and he asks if I want to go in for a bit before we go eat. I say let’s just head to the restaurant now so we leave and he drives back to where I live and drives further past it. I was like where are we going and he says he wants to drive around a bit before going because he isn’t hungry.
So we drive about 30 minutes past my house and he pulls over and tries to initiate a kiss, he pulls me into him and I just kind of hug him, it was this awkward 5-minute embrace of him trying to kiss me and me just turning my head and burying my face into his shoulders. But that’s not even the worst part: He smelled absolutely disgusting. I suggest we turn around and go to the restaurant. We drive back to where I live and he passes it AGAIN! So that’s another hour back to his house and he says let’s go inside I’m not hungry yet.
Then we go sit inside and he gets out his guitar and starts playing music for me, which was terribly painful to listen to. I was hungry and hot and uncomfortable. Anyways about 30 minutes of listening to him play bad music and moving to opposite couches as him every time he sat by me and visiting his awkward roommate I finally made up a lie about needing to go back home and we got in the car and he took me back to my house but had to drive around a bit and try to kiss me again before actually taking me home. I blocked him after that.
65. Angels and Demons
When I was 24, I’d been messaging this cute girl who could actually hold a conversation really well so after I got home in December we decide to meet up. I show up at her place and see that she isn’t 120 lbs. heavier than her picture, doesn’t have a beard or Adam’s apple, and hasn’t ax murdered me yet. Chemistry is great and we actually start making out before I pull out of my parking space.
In the car, things are fine, she’s talking a lot about her modeling job, which is cool, just finished finals in med school, anything that isn’t an enzyme or nerve circuit is welcome. We arrive at ice rink and race each other inside, this is fun, literally sprint in to see who can get ice skates first. Inside and she’s still going about her local modeling career and all the free things the vendors and designers give her. Thrifty, cool. She hasn’t asked anything about me but whatever, she’s cute.
I figure that she can’t talk if she’s eating, I suggest we get food. I don’t know the area so she inquires the first thing about me of the night. I tell her, “Yes, I do like Mexican,” while thinking to myself, “Mexican, like tacos, should be casual and nice for a first date.” We get there and this is not Taco Bell or Chipotle. 40 ft high wooden vaulted ceilings with hanging sheer fabric for ambiance and the swankiest bar I’ve ever seen.
At the table, she’s been bragging for a bit saying that despite being a model, she has never done drugs. She knows everything on the menu by name and what it should be paired with, she’s been here a few times, I wonder if with other guys. Throughout dinner, I learned so much that now even Michael Kors got nothing on me for fashion industry knowledge. I have no idea what she ordered but the bill is $105 plus tip. She asks if we should go back to her place. To this day, I regret my answer: I say “yes.”
She makes no attempt to pull out her wallet so I bite the tab, trying to conceal my anger. I’m not too impressed with the date but I walk her to the door. She asks if I want to come in, and even after two long relationships, I know this is a good sign. I get excited and accept, so in we go. I meet her mother, in a bathrobe, completely unfazed by my presence. She asks if I know how to fix a light socket. I fix the light socket. We finally make it to her room, and I think, “Score! I’ve seen this in movies before.”
She starts taking me through every lotion and perfume and tin of makeup and brush on her vanity and told me the brand, the list price, and how much she actually got it for. Ten minutes later, she is almost finished telling me the brand, location of purchase, and price of every shirt, skirt, pair of pants, and jacket in her closet. She is upset that her friend “stole” a bracelet from her 2 weeks ago, she wonders if I would help her look for it. I haven’t gotten laid in a long time so I said, “yes.”
Because I could not find the “stolen” bracelet behind, under, in her dresser/vanity/bathroom/bed/closet/night stands/carpet she’s crying with tears down her face. If it was stolen why did she ask me to look for it in her room? She stops crying after a bit and suggests we watch a movie. Good, I need to mentally check out for a minute.
It’s now midnight and she has given extensive commentary on every conceivable aspect of the movie, but she says she has a knot in her back and wants me to massage it out, I accept this responsibility. Finally, her shirt is off and she is dead set on me massaging out a very specific knot on her left shoulder which does not exist. Whatever.
The movie ends an hour later and my arms are getting sore, I’ve been kissing her sensually for a while, and still have not been able to get her to A. shut up B. turn over C. actively engage said kisses. We choose another random movie. My lips are super tingly from the $72 dollar lotion purchased at Macy’s 2012 Groundhog’s Day sale that I’ve been using, but I’m still massaging until I can’t feel arms, or lips, anything at all.
After what seemed like an eternity, she starts participating in the making out stuff and politely tells me that for religious reasons she is saving her virginity until marriage. I completely understand, when it comes to faith beliefs like that, I respect whatever choices you make, cool, no hassle, and we start fooling around. I am excited, I’ve finished her off about 2 or 3 times, I feel like a champ, but I am still completely clothed and have not been touched in any way, shape, or form. As I am still being all sexy-like, I casually say, “What about me?”
She informs me that the bathroom is right over there and tells me I can take care of myself in the shower. I think I’ll just hold it. We’ve been silent, cuddling. Hey, this is nice, I love cuddling, she is comfy, and she’s not talking, this is good. It felt like this nightmare date was finally over—but then things took a dark turn. All of a sudden around 3 AM, out of silence, she whispers, “I see demons. Yours are yellow.” I’m terrified.
I learn that my demons are angry and she is scared of them. She tells me that she has been exorcised on two occasions and it’s helped a lot. I don’t inquire as to how much, precisely. I try to be supportive because this doesn’t seem like the kind of thing you just go around telling everybody, and more or less keep my mouth shut. She falls asleep and after another hour of being stiff as a board and scared before I pass out.
Her mother knocks on her door at 9 AM and I, all 6’5 220 lbs of me, attempts to hide under the blankets. Mother comes in and nonchalantly tells her that they are going to a friend’s house for dinner, asks if her if the bearded guy under the blanket wants to come, I decline, I have to go return some overdue video tapes. I get dressed and leave to return some overdue video tapes No, we didn’t go on a second date, we had a pretty typical, anticlimactic dispersion from each other, and haven’t talked since, but it’s okay, because apparently my demons can keep me company.
66. Do You Like-Like Me?
I met a woman who I really hit it off with. There was no physical affection for maybe six months of just hanging out several times a week as friends. One night we got hammered and I spent the night. After that, we still hung out just as frequently, spent the night every time, and we pretty much acted as a couple—going out with friends, wedding dates, etc, etc. I had things that lived at her place.
After maybe 6 months of this, I found out on the other 2-3 nights each week we weren’t together, she was hooking up with randoms on Tinder. Apparently, even in your 40s, it’s necessary to have that “so, like, are you officially my girlfriend?” conversation that you had to have in 6th grade.
67. No Signs of a Threat
A cute girl from OkCupid offered to pick me up for our first date and we hung out with some of her friends at the mall. Then we went driving around town having a ton of fun, getting fast food, talking, stargazing, the works. She goes to drop me off and I wanted to kiss her. Things started getting a little heavy and she stops me just as we’re thinking of fooling around in her car. We cooled off, said our goodnights, and she left.
The next day I texted her and she didn’t respond. Later on in the night, she finally called me. It was the most terrifying phone call of my life. She sounded a little awkward, and blurted out, “Hey, I just wanted to tell you I had a great time last night. But I’m going to kill myself now so I wanted to say goodbye before I do it.” WHAT?! I frantically tried to call her back.
She didn’t answer. Eventually, after a few more tries, she picked up again. I’m yelling at her and she’s just responding to me like this is normal for her. “I’m sitting on top of a bridge right now. As soon as the train comes, I’m throwing myself in front of it.” She hangs up again. I’m freaked out.
The only thing I could think to do was call 9-1-1, so I did. I got them to transfer me to her town’s 9-1-1 branch, and they ended up connecting me with the police chief of the town. He and I spent the whole night with this situation. I would call this girl, trying to figure out her whereabouts, and he would dispatch officers to find her. Luckily, the police chief told me that no trains were running through the town that night, and an officer eventually picked her up walking on the street next to one of the train tracks. She was committed that night.
The last phone call I got from her was in the hospital. Her parents were furious at me because apparently, she “did this kind of thing all the time.” They were mad that I’d called the cops and they wanted me to pay the medical bills. I obviously refused, they threatened to sue me, and I hung up. Never heard from any of them again. I was so traumatized from that incident that I didn’t do online dating for a couple years. And that wasn’t the only crazy encounter with a girl from OkCupid.
68. The Ol’ Switcheroo
I had just come back home from college and was having a night drinking at the local watering hole when I noticed the place had a new bartender. New attractive bartender. Short hair, nice tattoos that were clearly leading to interesting places and an Electric Six shirt. Oh. Yes. So, I start making a bit of conversation, and much to my surprise, we seem to really hit it off.
This wasn’t just a bartender-is-everyone’s-best-friend-until-they-leave hitting it off, but a really cool conversation. She starts hinting at if I’m seeing anyone, and I say no, and she immediately reaches into her pocket and starts writing something down. “On top is the number at the apartment, and these are directions. We’re having a party on Wednesday night, and you should come.”
True enough, a phone number and directions. What would you think? Wednesday comes and I’m dressed up and ready to impress. I head over to her place, knock on the door, and there she is, looking amazing. She smiles and hugs me, grabs me by the hand, and drags me through the party until she gets to this big dude. “Jonas, this is my roommate Jeff. Jeff, this is Jonas.”
I do the whole pleasantry thing, but when I turn around, she’s gone. I mean, poof. Gone. Like Batman. Not knowing anyone else, I just keep on talking to Jeff. Seems like a good guy. Then it finally hit me. Suddenly he stops me mid-sentence and says, “You’re not gay, are you?” “No?” “You should really tell Liz that.” She had apparently set up the entire party as an excuse to hook me up with her roommate.
I had been on a blind date with a dude and didn’t even know.
69. In the Pocket
Ever played billiards on a first date? Imagine everything going great with the date…until she decides to flirt by sneaking up on you from behind while you’re taking a shot. Before her flirt, you take the shot and as you lean back your head connects directly with her nose, breaking it. Yeah, good times.
70. I Think It Went Bad
I was waiting tables and a former co-worker came in with her boyfriend. After catching up with her, she suggested I come out with her, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend’s brother, because they agreed I was his type. I was 21 and he and they all were mid to late 20s. I had never gone on a blind date, but I like older guys so I met them all at a dive bar.
I was getting along swimmingly with my date and even discovered that we had both lived in the same two northern cities before moving to the same southern city. Then they started ordering shots. I thought I was a somewhat heavy drinker, so I figured I could wow them with my amazing ability to keep up with their Patron shots. I was so, so wrong.
Later, I vaguely recall violently vomiting in the bathroom with the other girl, while she looked in the mirror and talked about herself, every so often saying I’d be all right. The next morning, I woke up on their couch with a serious hangover. I was humiliated so I bolted and took off in my car (my date had driven me back to their place, which was near the bar, in my car, and set me up on the couch, so that was pretty gentlemanly).
I drove in circles for about 40 minutes before I found my way out of the neighborhood and went home. Despite my terrible first impression, I guess I hooked him pre-vomit, because he still called me the next day to make sure I was okay and ask me out again.
71. Sacrifice of the Night
I met this girl who was an aspiring model. I was really excited about meeting her. On our first date, she invited me over for dinner and a movie. When we sat down to watch the movie she stopped and told me she could see the colors of my aura. Now, I have known her for all of 45 minutes and she says that her aura matches with my aura and we will be getting married.
I’m 24 years old and freaking out. But being 24 and she being really hot I stayed. Later, she invites me to see her room and I notice this table with all these candles and strange things on it. I ask her about it, and she tells me she is a witch who can cast spells. Then she started talking really strange about how she is a virgin and she wants to make sacrifices.
Very strange. When she left the room I went out the back door and jumped her fence and got to my car and drove as fast as I could. Thank God the date wasn’t at my house.
72. Shut The Front Door
When I reach for the door, he tackles and shoves me aside so he can….open the door for me. I thought it was an accident, so I laugh it off by commenting on how hard it must be for guys to follow all these rules of being gentlemanly, and mentioned it’s easier for me as there are fewer rules to follow. He gets a devilish look in his eyes and says, “Women are expected to provide certain ‘services’ to a gentleman.” Oh heck no.
Tip: 90-Day Fiancee
Although it only takes four minutes to know if you have a spark with someone, we all know that doesn’t necessarily mean they will make a good partner in life. If you’re trying to answer that question, it’s best to wait at least 90 days. After three months together, most couples start to ask if it’s worth taking it to the next level or not.
73. My Condolences
I told a guy about my mom’s upcoming surgery, which wasn’t life-threatening. The guy said to me, “Well, because of where you grew up, maybe a passing in the family would serve you well. You know, a character builder. People like you could really learn from that.” So he wanted my mom to pass? I wrapped it up quickly after that.
74. Leave Them Wanting More
I was on a dating site for a while and agreed to meet a guy for drinks after we emailed back and forth. I should have seen the red flags. He was a lawyer, well-educated, seemingly honest, claimed to be a good-looking guy…but he posted a deceptive photo of himself. I barely recognized him when I saw him. But he was just getting started.
He refused to tell me where he worked, or his last name, explained his phone number is unlisted due to his profession. THEN he proceeds to go through all of the photos on my phone when I tried to show him just one. I got the most expensive drink I could find, chugged it, then got out of there as fast as I could carry myself.
75. You Dog, You
I met a girl via Facebook, and we met up at a coffee shop. I don’t even drink coffee, it’s just a cliché spot in the dating routine. ANYWAY. She grabs a coffee, and we start talking. Things go really well. She offers to drive me home after two hours of talking. Then she says “Before we leave, I need to tell you…”Oh. My. God.
She said she’ll be the perfect girlfriend, meet my parents, be the goody-good girlfriend. But two nights a week, she wants me in a kennel at the foot of her bed. She whipped out her phone and showed me pictures. She went into great detail about the things she “needs” from me. She said I’d be perfect for what she wants, blah blah blah.
I tried to be nice and not flip the table and run. I let her down, knowing it was all lots of fun and I really appreciate her being upfront about all that. There are places to go online and seek out people who are into that sort of thing, but sadly I couldn’t do it.
76. About As Deep As A Puddle
I had a prom date back in high school that irked me. We were set up by our friends. We met up at a Starbucks before prom to get to know each other. He only ever asked me questions about myself as a formality. No follow-ups. Stuff like: “So what do you like to do?” I’d reply, “Oh I do a lot of theater,” and all he would have to say back in “Cool, anyway…”
He was clearly not interested in knowing more about me or my interests. Prom went well enough though, and I ended up going out with him a few more times. I was 18, kind of desperate, and he was hot—what can I say? So yeah, it worked out…until I realized I literally couldn’t stand it anymore.
77. Back To The Pond
I met a girl on Plenty of Fish over a decade ago. The first time we talked on the phone, she called me while she was drunk from her ex’s house. She went on and on complaining about him and the fact that he talked to other girls. Somehow, I overlooked this red flag. I shouldn’t have. We agreed to get a drink the following day, but when I told her that I was running late getting home from work, she told me to just delete her number. I responded with: “You got it, Miss Cleo.”
78. Getting Ahead Of Yourself
This guy would hound me if I didn’t answer his calls. He’d be like: “Why didn’t you answer? What were you doing?” Dude, I don’t know! Working? Maybe doing literally nothing and I just didn’t want to talk to you?? One time, after not answering his messages, he demanded to FaceTime me. I should have ignored him, but sadly, I didn’t. On the call, he told me that he didn’t like my scarf and that I probably shouldn’t wear it anymore.
Did I mention that we’d only been on one or two dates? He lived out of town and he said he wanted to see me. I said we could meet at a hotel, which we did. It was a pretty nice place…but our hookup was utterly disastrous. When I was in the bathroom, he looked on my phone’s lock screen and read my texts.
My friend had texted me Merry Christmas, and my date wanted to know who it was and why we were talking. I felt so violated. I still get mad thinking about it, four years later.
79. Dinner & a Show
Drove 40 minutes for a date with a woman who didn’t have a car, but she seemed really nice. Everything was going well for the first 10 minutes, then her ex showed up at the bar and joined us. They fought in front of me for 40 minutes, and I was just really hungry and enjoying the show with my dinner. Turns out she cheated on him, and I spent the rest of the date talking to him. Super nice dude.
80. A Strong Push Out of the Closet
I went on a date with a woman who I met at a karaoke bar. We met for tea, which was really uncomfortable because I didn’t know what kind of tea to order on a date, so I got chamomile to soothe my nerves. She talked a lot—I mean a lot. About her cats, the mean person at work, and her favorite brand of toothpaste. I could deal with all that—but what she said next just blew my mind.
Eventually, she told me that she had a tattoo above her posterior of an arrow pointing downwards and the words “EXIT ONLY.” I blinked, asked her why she would get a tattoo of that, and then moved a small step towards the journey of accepting my own gender preferences. I came out as gay two years later.
81. What’s The Number for Godzilla?
Back in the late ’80s—before the internet—there were chat lines. 976-xxxx numbers that you could call and pay to chat with all sorts of people. A good friend of mine, we’ll call him Ed, was big into these lines but didn’t have a car. One night he asked me if I’d drive him down to South Philly to meet this girl her talked to on the phone.
She’d bring a friend with her and it’d be a double date. After some hemming and hawing, curiosity won out and off we went. If I’d known what I was in for, I’d have turned and ran. His instructions were to park on the corner, get out, and call her on the payphone. Standard “pre-scoping-out” tactics. While he’s on the phone some 12-year-old kid comes up, talks to him, and rides away on his bike.
Ed gets back in the car and I ask what that was about. He said the kid said, “Are you the one here to meet Sally (fictitious name)?” When Ed said yeah, the kid laughed and said we’d better leave; she’s a beast. While we’re debating whether this kid was being a saint, or maybe a friend of an ex-boyfriend, two visions of south Philly hotness come strolling up to the car.
One introduced herself as Sally’s sister and told us they’d be right out. As they stroll away in their 80s tight jean hotness we’re thinking, “Jackpot!” If that’s the younger sister, how bad can she and her friend be? As we’re high fiving and rolling a fatty (a doobie back in the day for you youngins’) we feel the car begin to shake as if Godzilla was coming down Tasker Ave.
As we turn and gaze out the window it was Godzilla AND her uglier friend. OMG!!!! They came up to the window and started to ask where we were going out. At this point I just deferred to Ed and let him handle it. They walked away saying they’d be right back as they wanted to tell their moms they were going out.
As we sat there in stunned silence, I started to ask what we do. Ed said it’s up to me as it’s my car and all. It took about 1/100th of a second to make up my mind and I popped the clutch on my 83 Datsun B210 hatchback (Okay, it was Dad’s car). We chirped tires up and out of there watching the kid on his bike laugh his butt off.
We decided to smoke and go shoot some pool and got back to Ed’s apartment around midnight. One of his roommates was outside and laughing asked what we did that night. “Oh, nothing much—hung out, shot pool, the usual.” And then his roommate springs out, “So… know anyone named Sally?” Uh-oh…Apparently she called in a fit of rage and mistook Ed’s roommate for him (and the roommate freely admitted that when she screamed “Is this Ed?!?!?” that he said yes because it sounded like it’d be something funny!!)
As a side note, the second time Ed asked me to take him to someone he met on these chat lines, she turned out to be a hottie. They lived together for several years before parting ways.
Tip: Quickie Wedding
If a couple met online, they are more likely to get married much faster than those who met through friends. While online couples married after four years together on average, more tradtional couples took 10 years to make it official.
82. Eating Buddies
A coworker introduced me to a friend of hers after going on about how much we had in common. I finally agreed one day to go on a date with her and off we went. We went out to eat at what was apparently her favorite restaurant. She was attractive, very smart, pretty funny, and seemed to be interested in me. It was a solid date.
We start texting one night to plan the second date, and she wants to go out to the same restaurant again. I ask if she’d like to do something else, like maybe ice skating or the science center, and she said, “As long as we can go out to eat first.” Thought this was weird, but okay. I asked if she’d like me to pick her up this time, as we had simply met there previously.
She responds with, “I don’t think my boyfriend would like that.” Wait…what? This led to a very awkward conversation over the phone. Apparently, she saw nothing wrong with going on dates with me, but didn’t want to do anything “romantic.” I asked her why she didn’t tell me this information from the beginning and she said she didn’t think it was a big deal.
Eventually, she admitted that she wanted someone to take her out because her “boyfriend never feeds her.” I told her it wasn’t going to work out and she actually asked, “Are we still going out to eat?” About a month after that, after neither of us had spoken to other, she randomly texted me again asking if I wanted to go out to eat again.
83. Ex Marks the End
I’ve only been on one real blind date. I met someone online and we began chatting every few days, just kind of getting to know each other, or so I thought. She said she had just moved to the area, was staying with an old family friend but didn’t really know many people, so I suggested we go out to this little hookah bar that was about halfway between our respective places.
8:00 pm rolls around and I pull up in front of her place, a townhouse in a nice neighborhood that happened to be a few blocks from where an old friend used to live. She was already waiting outside, which struck me as odd, but I figured maybe she felt like a smoke before leaving. She looked exactly like she did in her pictures—about 5′ 8″, maybe 120 lbs., long (dyed) blond hair, a few facial piercings. Not exactly my type, but not bad to look at either.
I get out, introduce myself and open the door for her, and we’re off. Turns out we have similar taste in music, so the ride over to the bar was pleasant enough. I hadn’t been there in years, and was unaware they had hired a DJ to spin on Friday nights. You could barely hear a thing inside, so we chose to sit out on the tiny patio.
We ordered drinks, she chose a shisha flavor, and we continued chatting. This, my friends, is where things begin to go downhill. She asked about my profession (reporter), so naturally I asked about hers, to which she replied, “I’ve had the same job for about three years. Taking care of my kids.” Children. This was an interesting development in that she had never mentioned being a mother in our previous conversations.
Nor did her figure seem to indicate that she was a mother of two, spaced just two years apart. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind kids, but at the same time, I’m not looking to get involved in a relationship with someone who already has children. Just a little young for that. Having broached that particular subject, she begins to tell me, at length, about the father.
Abusive, never around, with drug problem she apparently shared. I’ve smoked weed before, and tried my fair share of psychedelics, but these were hard drugs she was talking about. Things continue to spiral south, and I quickly realize that this particular individual is likely suffering from some serious mental/relationship issues.
We finish our drinks and head back to my car, when she drops a line that sends me running for the hills. “I’m not gonna sleep with you tonight, but I’ll probably get drunk and screw you sometime soon.” I’m now officially ready to put an end to this travesty of a date, but having never had any experience with blind dates was not entirely sure how to go about wrapping things up.
It’s still fairly early, maybe 10:00 pm or so, and she is making it clear she would like to continue the evening. I’m racking my brain trying to figure something out, when it hits me: The Twins. The Twins were an interesting pair, either the cheeriest individuals you could ever hope to meet or at each other’s throats, depending on when you happened to run into them.
They liked to party and had a small house across town that I frequented. I hadn’t been to their place in a bit, so I gave them a ring and asked if I could bring someone over. Thankfully they were in an amicable mood and invited us both over. Now, I mentioned I hadn’t been to The Twins place in some time, so I was unaware of the fact that they had acquired a new roommate who was sleeping in the unfinished basement.
We arrive, and one of The Twins suggests giving her the grand tour. Eventually, we make our way to the basement, when lo and behold, another one of her apparently numerous exes is stretched out across a bare mattress on the floor. This is the moment I knew I was saved.
Before the guy even had a chance to get up, she dashes across the room, throws herself on the bed, and starts hugging him, saying how much she missed him. My friend gives me a look of concern, being currently unaware that the chick is completely crazy. I grinned and whispered under my breath, “Good, she’s his problem now.”
84. Two’s a Crowd
Met up with a guy from OkCupid. I had mentioned I was into hockey while we were messaging, so he asked me out to watch a game at a bar and then grab dinner. He was cute, I liked the banter we had going, so I said sure. He picks a super crowded sports bar (not ideal for a date but we were supposed to watch a game so that makes sense) except it’s so crowded it’s insane. You could barely get in the door at this place.
He arrived 10 minutes late, and then sat at the one empty seat at the bar while I awkwardly stood at his shoulder, trying to flag down the bartender. He got himself a beer, didn’t think to get me one. After about 15 minutes of this, I suggest we just go ahead and get dinner somewhere where I know they have TVs and it will be less crowded.
He offers to drive us over to the place I suggested, so I get in his car (NEVER DO THIS! THIS WAS DUMB!!) and it’s absolutely disgusting. There were at least a dozen empty energy drink cans all over the floor where I was trying to put my feet. The drink holder thing was filled with smoke butts…why would he offer to drive me when his car was this gross?! We could have driven separately!!
We get to the restaurant and he insists on a two-top table right next to the big window at the front of the place. Over the course of the 42 minutes we were in this restaurant, he went outside to smoke SEVEN TIMES. Each time he would stand on the other side of the big window and just look down at me. Just staring at me intensely while puffing away out there. It was awful.
85. ID Crisis
A guy at my work asked me to take his daughter out. So, to be nice, I said yes despite not knowing anything about her. The only thing he said was she was previously living with her mom and just recently moved back and didn’t really know anyone. So anyways a movie was coming out that I really wanted to see and I already planned on going to watch it with some friends, but I thought it would be fine for her to come along as well to hopefully make it less awkward.
I told the dad when we were planning on seeing the movie and told him I could pick her up right before we head to the theater to watch it. So, he gives me the address and sets up the rest on his end. There’s a little bit before the movie starts, so I get ready and then I go to pick this girl up. I knock on the door and when it opens, I immediately realize something isn’t quite right.
I look at the girl’s face and realize her lipstick isn’t only on her lips. And then we do our little greetings and I realize this poor girl is a little bit slow. This is definitely something I wish the dad had let me know though, because now it’s just really awkward for me. So anyways we go ahead and go to the movies to meet up with my friends. When we arrive, I introduce her to my friends and they kinda just give me an, “oh dang, sorry,” look.
So, we get in line to get tickets and when we finally get to the register we find out the movie is rated R and she didn’t bring her ID with her. So we try to figure out what we’re gonna do. Right about the same time her brother comes up. He starts talking to us and finds out that she can’t watch. He tells us that he needs a ride home, so I just go ahead and take the two home. During the ride there they decide to just get high together instead of picking up her ID and going back to see the movie.
86. The Sober Reality
At the time this happened I was 26 and living with my parents and generally in a bad time in my life. My father had lost his job and my mother broke her leg; my grandmother was fighting cancer and the whole family just sort of came together to help each other out and get through. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and was extremely lonely and cooped up in my parent’s house around all the depressing stuff.
After a few months of this, I decided to get online and see if I couldn’t find someone to have a little happiness with. I was on OkCupid and I met a girl who looked gorgeous in all her pictures. We send some messages back and forth and I found her to be pretty interesting. We agree to meet. It turned out she was just a few months shy of 21 and couldn’t go to the bars or have drinks with dinner, and as is pretty standard for these types of things, drinks are a must, so I agree to buy some booze to bring with me to her place.
I get myself cleaned up—haircut, clean the car, do the “grocery shopping,” print directions to her place and then get on the road. It turns out the directions were a joke and I ended up making a three-hour trip of it to her place, not realizing how far away she really lived. I get to this girl’s place where low income housing is for the impoverished.
I knew I was in “that kind of neighborhood” when I saw a horrifying sight outside her apartment. Two young white trash teenage kids were hitting a cat with a jump rope in the parking lot. Somewhere in the distance, I heard god and my ex-girlfriend laughing together. She came outside to greet me. She wasn’t fat, but she looked really unhealthy. Some spare flab around the middle, dressed in a gross, unflattering way in dirty clothes.
Her jeans were so long they dragged on the pavement around her feet and had turned brown at the heels, and smelled like they were infused with cigarette smoke. She had the look of a girl who ate too much fast food and too many painkillers. She was the oldest 20-year-old I’d ever seen, but still, she had a nice face and I had come a long way.
I remembered our playful, interesting talks and so give her my best smile and tell her it’s nice to finally meet her. She smiled at me and, oh god, she had a set of pee colored chompers that looked like they were often used to open coke bottles. It dawned on me I had never seen her teeth in any of her pictures, just her boobs. I cursed myself for being so dumb—but we were just getting started.
I do the quick decision to just go for it anyway. Nobody knew this girl or that I was there, or what I was about to do. And no one need ever know, I could take my shame and bury it. I had already invested so much time and energy in this. I clutched at the six pack and the bottle of Jose in my paper bag like a life preserver. Me and Jose would make it through together.
We drink our beers and watch Idiocracy on her couch while talking a bit. I learn she is jobless, did not graduate high school, lives on government assistance—and the worst, for me, she had no desire or plan to improve these things. She was happy. I break out the tequila and we start taking pulls on the bottle. The sun is going down but not quickly enough. I am sinking faster than it is. We go out on her balcony and some of the brighter stars are already visible in the sky. The tequila came with.
Eventually, I’m drunk enough, the sun is down and by the light of a bug zapper her face is not bad at all. I kiss her. After a few minutes of kissing she goes in to put some music on. Not but a moment passes before I hear the dulcet tones of ICP drifting on the wind. I consider leaping from the balcony to my death, but decide it’d be too embarrassing for my friends and family to find out I was there. It turns out the girl doesn’t have a bed.
As she gets drunker, she begins to share more about herself and it’s apparent she is a very damaged person. My head is spinning from the booze, but I had a sudden moment of clarity. This girl is drunk. Although she is of legal age for a good romp, she is mentally not older than a high schooler, and although not too drunk to consent, I know I’m never going to call her or see her after, and I think of what this might do to a damaged girl with issues.
I excuse myself to use her bathroom and start drinking water from the tap to sober up. I remember staring at myself in the mirror and just thinking of how thankful I am for everything that I have in my life. When I come out, she is passed out on her couch. I gather my shoes, wallet, keys. Money is missing from my wallet, but not much, and the girl doesn’t even have a bed. I just shake my head and leave. I wander over to the nearest hotel. I woke up in the morning in the hotel bed. I called my boss and told him I wouldn’t be coming in. I just sat in the bathtub in that awful hotel in some desolate part of Indiana.
87. Long Walk on a Beach
We lived about 25 minutes from each other, so we agreed to meet at the beach pier about halfway between. Before meeting, we had been texting and he seemed totally normal. I was already at the pier when he texted me saying he can’t meet me there because his license is revoked and it’s too far for him to walk. I should’ve just left then, but I agreed to meet him at a pizza place closer to him. I get there, and I’m standing outside when I see him, and quickly realize the pictures from his profile were at least 3-5 years old.
Homeboy looks like the dollar store version of himself: greasy, looks like he hasn’t showered in days, hair undone, holes in his shirt. I awkwardly give him a side hug and suggest we get a seat, and he says, “Oh, no, we’re not getting pizza. Let’s go to the park.” I awkwardly say okay, and as he talks, I realize his gums and tongue ring are stained black from smoking. By this point, I am completely turned off and am just keeping up with formalities.
We get to the park and find a bench to talk and before I can sit down, homie pulls me onto his lap, squeezing me and saying, “God, babygirl, you are so cute.” I awkwardly scooch away and try to get a conversation going. He pulls out his phone and starts texting for a few minutes not really listening to me before interrupting with, “Have you smoked? My friend is a plug, we could go back to my place for a bowl.”
I decline. “Aw, come on, babygirl, my place is just right there. We could have some fun, too.” I decline again. Next thing you know, he pulls me close by the face and whispers, “You’re so innocent,” before broad-tongued licking my face from chin to ear. Shell-shocked, I just sit there for a moment processing what just happened as he keeps talking about weed before I decide to fake an urgent phone call and leave.
88. Wrapped Up
My worst Tinder experience was pretty traumatizing for me at the time. I was a sophomore in college and she was a junior or senior at the same school. The first time we ever hung out, I went over to her apartment and we just watched some Netflix and hung out. Nothing crazy. I was thinking this chick is super cool, we may have something here. So, I leave telling her I’d like to see her again if she’s down. She told me she would love to and just hit her up whenever and we’ll make some plans.
We start texting and Snapchatting throughout the week and organize some plans for the following weekend. Out of nowhere, she starts sending me unsolicited naked pics. It caught me off guard, but I was more than cool with it. I’m a young college guy and this hot older chick wants to send me pics after only hanging out one time? Say no more.
Fast forward to the weekend, she comes to my apartment and we’re hanging out with my roommates watching something on TV. She asks me if she can stay the night, and after sending pics to me all week, I kind of figured what was up, so in my head, I’m like “….uhh yes.” But I tell her of course and to be polite I offer to sleep on the couch because we’ve only known each other for all of about two weeks and have only seen each other in person one time prior. She tells me she’d rather me sleep in my bed with her, so I know it’s on.
We get to Netflix and chilling in my room and I make a move. We start to hook up and eventually wind up sleeping together. I wore a condom and tossed it off to my side of the bed when we were done. I had no clue at the time, but I’d made a horrible mistake. As we’re laying there after a few minutes, she gets up abruptly, comes around to my side of the bed, grabs the condom off the floor, and runs into the bathroom. I’m a little confused, maybe a little concerned but kind of brush it off.
As I’m lying there in my bed, I hear a loud crash in my bathroom and hear her swear. I ask if she’s okay and get no response. I’m a little concerned thinking this girl just fell in my bathroom and cracked her head open or something. I go to open the door and she is standing in my shower with one leg propped up trying to shove the condom insider her. I freak out with no clue what to do.
She’s clearly freaked out and probably embarrassed? I have no clue. I shut the door and she immediately comes back out, says she’s going leave and I say sounds good. I never hear from her again.
89. Bewildering Babe
This girl named Ashley on Plenty of Fish messaged me. It was one of those conversations that immediately took off and we were talking for at least four hours straight. We decide to go get dinner. She was even better in person—beautiful, witty, laughed at my stupid jokes, the complete package. We exchange goodbyes and that was the end of our evening. We’re texting until about midnight when she says, “You’re going to hate me. We should just be friends.” So, I’m like ok whatever.
She calls me the next day and apologizes so I give her a second chance. At the end of this date, we start making out like we’re in middle school and she stops us before we get too far and says she’s not ready for that yet. Ok cool. I can respect that. So I get home and she texts me saying that I was just going to use her and calling me a pig. Um….ok.
Next day I get a text from Ashley’s phone asking if I knew where she was and I was the last person to talk to her. Her “friend” went to her house where Ashley had apparently left her phone and her car and the front door was wide open. So I told this mystery person to call the cops. When she refused I said that I would and lo & behold, Ashley shows up. “I had just gone for a walk. Didn’t know you cared about me so much lol.” Yeah ok, I’m done with this situation. Then, the true nightmare started.
The next day I go to work. I usually leave my phone in my truck until lunch, so when I went out for lunch at noon, I had 115 new texts and 48 missed calls. Yup that’s it. I’m done. So, I block her number and that’s it. Wrong again. She knew where I worked and what time I got off work, which is almost an hour and a half from where she lived.
She tried following me home. I took a roundabout way of getting home and ran a few red lights but managed to lose her. It’s been almost a year and I haven’t heard from her since.
90. Girlish Charm
Six or seven years ago, I was a regular IRC chatter. I started talking to a girl there, let’s call her Jenny, and we hit it off. She had a wry, somewhat cynical sense of humor. I realized that she was maybe ten years younger than me, but since—according to her—she was over 18, meeting up shouldn’t be a problem. She lived in Florida. I live in Denmark.
So, one evening, we talk about her visiting over the summer. I go to cook dinner and when I finish eating, sign back on IRC. She tells me that she’s bought a ticket and will stay for three months. I tell her “whoa, that’s a really long time, I was thinking a couple of weeks or so.” But since she has already paid for the ticket, I feel forced to let her stay. Fortunately, many of the other people in the IRC channel where we hang out are also Danes and want her to visit them.
During the time we have known each other, she has sent photos of herself, and I’m quite surprised when she looks nothing like her photos. When I meet her at the airport, I expect to see a chubby young woman, but I was not expecting her to be 150 cm tall and just as wide at least. I’m 180 cm and weigh about 90 kgs; I’m fairly sure she weighs more than I do. Now, I’m not a shallow person, so I think to myself, “Well, at least she has a great personality, right?” I have never been so wrong—the next few days were a waking nightmare.
Over the next two days, I find out that not only is she immature and sheltered, but apparently her whole world is made up of deceit, lies and HUGE amounts of drama. She has lied about so many things, including—and I don’t find out about this until the day before she leaves. And when things don’t go exactly according to her plan, she will immediately start wailing and sobbing, stamping her feet and punch the walls. So, when I confront her and ask her why she has been lying to her parents, she throws the mother of all hissy fits. Eventually, after two hours of coaxing, I manage to talk her down.
On the third day, my nerves are frayed from her drama and lies. My apartment is so messy that I don’t recognize it. She insists she will do the cooking, and to her credit, she did not do a bad job of the actual food preparation. But unfailingly, every single time she has cooked a meal, every single pot, pan and utensil will be dirty and I will spend 40 minutes to an hour doing the dishes. She eats around the clock. Every day, I completely restock the fridge.
On the fifth day, I tag in one of my friends and his wife who is American, we can call them Hank and Gabby, and arrange with them to let Jenny stay with them for a few days, and then send her off to meet up with her other internet friends in the area. I am exhausted, and honestly, very tired of taking care of this petulant little compulsive liar who completely wrecks my apartment every single day. My friend “Matthew” flies in from Sweden while Jenny is away, and we spend two days completely cleaning up all the mess Jenny has made.
We discover that she has gouged deep furrows into my brand new and expensive dining table by using it as a cutting block. She has also broken the shower head. I have no idea how. Matthew stays for four days. The day after he goes back home, Jenny returns. In less than an hour, she completely wrecks my apartment. At this point, I’ve had enough and I tell her that she has to change the date of her return flight because I’ve gotten a photography assignment abroad. Cue wall-pounding hysterical rage for an epic six hours.
At my wits’ end, I call Hank and Gabby to ask them for advice. Gabby picks up, and as soon as she hears the wailing in the background, she tells me they’ll be right over. When Jenny finds out, she stops crying and runs to the bathroom. The shower starts running. Hank and Gabby come over, and Gabby who also has had enough has some choice words for Jenny who does not reply. They help me put all of Jenny’s things in, on, or near her suitcase, and as we’re doing this, we find he passport, which clearly states that she is, in fact, sixteen years old. We finish packing, and then they go home.
As soon as the door shuts, Jenny unlocks the bath room door. Apparently, she has been sitting in the shower, on the drain, thus flooding the entire bath room with a good inch or so of water. I hand her the phone and tell her to either call the airline to book a new return flight, or call the nearest hotel to make arrangements with them for the rest of her stay in Denmark. She turns on the waterworks again, but when she sees the look on my face, she immediately stops and does as told. The next morning, she leaves, bawling her head off. I have had enough at this point and can’t be bothered to even walk her to the station, which is four minutes away by foot.
The day after, she calls and tells me she got home alright, and thank you for a wonderful time and can she please come visit again soon. I tell her that we will have to discuss this later, as I had work to do. While I’m out, she calls my home phone 197 times, my cell phone, which is on silent, 337 times, and there are also 53 emails when I open my Outlook. This is the final straw. Next time she calls, I lose it and yell at her incoherently, tell her to never contact me again, and hang up. I block her from all avenues that I can think of where she might be able to contact me, and that, fortunately, is that.
Tip: By The Book
Even though society and dating have gotten a lot more progressive over the years, some traditions remain. 63% of men think that they should pay on a first date, and 46% of women agree. However, 18% of women are totally fine with going Dutch (compared to only 7% of men), and 5% of women actually believe they are the ones who should be paying.
91. Down, Down Under
I went on a date with an Australian who had just moved here two weeks before and knows NO ONE. On our first date, we went to a pub and it was completely fine. She was a bit of a force of nature, spoke a mile a minute, but we got on. Second date went to a really budget pub at her request because she has only just got a job so hasn’t been paid. Then she wanted to see some live music so I took her to this really cool live music pub about 30 minutes away.
We got there the band members were cool, but she spoke to/annoyed everyone there to the point that one of the girlfriends of the band asked me if I was “seeing the red flags yet?” So, I tried to just move her back to near the area where we both live, but on the way back home she said we should go to this a big Aussie/kiwi hang out bar/club because she wants a drink.
We get there and it’s closed BUT a few people say we should join them for drinks. I slightly talk her out of it and she’s like, “yeh fine cus I need to pee,” so I take her round the corner stand in front of her so she can pee with a degree of privacy, but then during her pee I hear something splat and hit the ground and she’s like, “oh did I just poop? Nah, don’t think so.” I turn around—and see the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen. Behind her, there’s a huge splat of diarrhea, like it was a fluorescent color that shouldn’t have come out of a person, but it just seemed to have fallen out of her.
She’s like, “uh what do I do? Oh, wait I have the plastic wrap from the CD I just bought from the band,”’ and wipes herself with that, which isn’t very absorbent, but more smeary. I just quickly offer to call her a cab, BUT she declines and is then is telling me we should go find those people to go drink again. I swiftly say no and so she kisses me and walks off. What interests me is she very easily might have gone back to find those two guys and if she did, they were probably in for a nasty smeared surprise if they were to get “into it.”
92. Doo-doo Dude
My sister’s friend met this guy on Tinder and went for dinner. They hit it off really well and he invited her back to his place. She really liked the dude so went with it, and things were getting hot when she started getting this horrible feeling. She went to the bathroom and literally had explosive diarrhea and messed herself, all over her body, the full deal. She was completely mortified and then had to explain to this dude what happened.
The dude seemed really chill and told her to get a shower and go get changed into some of his clothes and not to worry and that he would clean it up and took her dirty clothes away. It seemed like the crisis was averted—but then she stepped out of the bathroom, and was greeting by a truly horrifying sight. He was wearing her poop covered clothes and covering himself in the poop. She ran out the house in just a towel and called the police.
It turns out that it was his fetish and at one point on the dinner date when she went to the toilet, he had spiked her drink with something to intentionally poop herself.
93. Footing the Bill
I’ve mentioned this one other time. I once went on a date with a guy, and while we were driving to dinner, we got a speeding ticket. He asked me to pay for the ticket, because I was distracting him, and then took me to dinner where he made me foot the bill. After that, he took me to a night club, where he told me about other girls he brought there.
I then made him take me home and told him to forget my number.
94. Some People Have a Type: Insane
I once had a girl throw up in her purse because she was allergic to something in my dish—that she had insisted on nibbling. I then saw an ex of mine in the same restaurant, who was, at the time, the reigning queen of crazy exes. She comes over and tries to kiss me out of the blue. Somehow, it gets even crazier. My date then throws purse full of puke at ex.
I narrowly dodge it all. My ex throws breadsticks and salad at the date. They begin to physically fight. I ran to the kitchen, found my server, gave her a $50, told her to keep the change, and got out of there. And that is the story of the Puke Purse and the Olive Garden. Also known as: Why I won’t go to any Olive Garden in Indiana ever again.
95. I’m Gonna Getcha
I was dating this girl who asked me to go to her ex’s wedding. We dated for a few months prior, but asking me to go to a wedding together felt like a serious commitment…I still accepted. I planned for the week off work and we went all out for this wedding. Half the time, I was trying to make the most of our time together, but she always went missing.
Fast forward to the reception. She made a scene in the most unstable and mentally sick way. In front of the groom, the bride, and everyone else, she said out loud: “I’m still in love with you. We literally have been sleeping together all week and I can’t stop thinking about you.” She quickly got escorted out after that.
The bride was clearly upset, but everyone tried to go about their business. As soon as I left, my “girlfriend” started completely ruining the hall and all the decorations, just throwing a fit on her way out. It was so embarrassing. I figured she was telling the truth since she was missing the whole time, but I’m pretty sure that everyone during the whole thing assumed this was too crazy to be real.
I definitely regret not seeing her true colors before, but when you work so much and try to date at the same time, you have very little time to get to really know some people. Time sort of flies by and you end up dating for a few months. Fast forward a month or two later…she got together with the groom and I’m pretty sure she has no regrets about wasting my time.
She probably doesn’t even feel bad about using me or even ruining that man’s marriage. This woman is seriously twisted.
96. Welcome To “The Family”
My first girlfriend was a nice Italian girl whose family drove me crazy. I’m a white-bread Canadian; what one might call a “mangia cake,” so that was the first strike against me in their eyes. Her mother treated me well, but the dad always looked at me as if I wore my shoes in the house or something. The first time I had dinner at their house, he went into a whole speech about the etymology of the word “wap,” unbidden by anything I had said or done.
Oh, and we had to take her younger brother on dates with us. This one time, he made plans with some friend so we could drop him off and get some alone time…and he immediately ratted her out when he got home. Then, another time we were out on the porch with my arm around her shoulders as we watched the sunset. Her father came out and made some meaningless small talk about how the weather was so nice and that it was so nice to have such a warm evening.
I found out the next day that he beat the heck out of her for being “loose” in “public.” We talked about getting her out of that house, but at the end of the day, she couldn’t leave her family behind. We were only together for a few months, but the whole family situation was just something I couldn’t deal with. And then came the icing on the cake.
It was my birthday and she went and gave me a Rolex. Again, we had only been dating for a few months and I had already been to her house many times, so I knew she wasn’t from some wealthy family where money was meaningless. Still, she assured me it was a genuine Rolex that her father had “acquired.” That was when I learned that he was a local mafia boss and more than a few pieces fell into place.
I thanked her for the gift but gave it back as I didn’t want to feel like I owed any favors to anyone. We broke up soon afterward. The next time I saw her has at a friend’s wedding where she was there with her (very Italian) fiancé.
97. Stamp Of Disapproval
Years ago, I went on a first date with someone I met online. We met at a bar and the bartender carded us. Even though we were both older, they were still doing stings in the area, so he was carding every single person. I handed mine right over, but my date was a real jerk about it. The bartender checked mine and handed it back to me.
Then, he checked my date’s ID, and rather than handing it back to him, he placed it on the bar right in front of me. When I saw it, my blood ran cold. It had the sex offender stamp on it, which is a thing in my state. The guy picked it up, looked at the bartender, looked at me, and then got up and walked out. I immediately Googled him.
He was on the registry and had been in prison. Lesson learned. Always Google. And that bartender? We’re still friends.
98. The First Cut Is The Deepest
It was the first date I’d ever been on. I wasn’t the most talkative guy in school, but I rather fancied her so I worked up the courage to ask one day—and to my surprise, she said yes. We were both 15/16 years old at the time. I get a ride to her place from my mom, we pick her up and head over to this restaurant in one of the classier parts of town.
We get dropped off, head in, make light conversation and I find out she’s never been there before. I’d only been there once myself for my birthday, a year or two ago. She asks me to order for her and I do so; two steaks with the trimmings. Anyway, things continue rather pleasantly and our food arrives. We dig in and continue to talk but I notice about 15 minutes in that she’s gone a little cold on me and she hasn’t yet touched her steak. She’s picking off the veg and potatoes around the side, but the steak is untouched.
My natural reaction is that I didn’t ask if she had any dietary restrictions; so, I apologize immediately and ask if she doesn’t eat meat. Her response is so disturbing it’s unforgettable. She says she does eat meat, but: “I’m waiting for you to cut up my food for me!” Apparently, at the age of 15 years old, she’d never once had to eat a slab of meat that wasn’t first cut up for her by either her parents or whomever else she was with at the time.
I was surprised, but I taught her how to cut up her own food—seriously, girl didn’t seem like she’d ever held a knife before—and afterward, we dropped her off at her place in silence. So…thus ended my first date, and last date with her.
99. The Worst Kind Of Deja Vu
A year and change ago, I had just gotten out of a bad relationship that I had broken off. I’m a driven person, and my work is what drives me. The relationship wasn’t great, so I wasn’t that torn up about having to end it. Several of my friends who don’t know me that well assumed that I was super depressed, because I wasn’t partying and going out as much as I normally do.
In reality, I just had a HUGE grant proposal to work on, which is a real pain in the butt and takes a lot of time. The relationship I had been in wasn’t serious, and it was only for a month-ish “unofficially” so it really wasn’t a big deal. She’s a weird one, so I was in the middle of introducing her to my extended friend circle when things broke off.
My friends came up with this whole plan of meeting me somewhere and then not showing up, only to have me find out it was a blind date. So they did this, and called me right when I was outside the sushi joint to let me know. After getting angry, I figured what the heck, why not go in and share a meal with a stranger, what could happen, right?
Imagine my surprise…when the girl I had just broken up with was sitting there waiting for me.
100. We’re Going Where??
I didn’t mess up the date. The date was just messed up. I met a girl at the local McDonald’s after school one day when I was 15. We talked and then exchanged numbers. She asked if I’d go out with her the next day. I thought she was gorgeous, and when she said I should dress up, I expected something special. She took me to her grandma’s funeral.