Let’s face it: we all have our moments. Despite what we might wish, life isn’t always a bundle of sunshine. It’s full of many challenges, from the serious to the simple. When those challenges involve something backfiring in a dramatic way, it’s often hard to have any reaction besides “What is my life?”
1. Was That Really Necessary?
Today, my boyfriend of two years took me to get a tattoo with his name on it. He paid for it. As soon as it was done, he told me it was over between us and that he just thought it would be a nice reminder of him for me.
2. Nothing Is Free
Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don’t have a text messaging plan. Therefore, I paid 25 cents to get fired…
3. Bill of Wrongs
Today, my boyfriend told me he’d drive me to the jeweler’s to pick out a ring. We drove there, I picked the ring, and the salesperson rang it up. I glanced at my boyfriend, only for him to reply, “Well, don’t look at me!”
4. Well, That’s Awkward
I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible and guilty I felt about cheating. He replied saying that he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam…
5. Cereal Killer
I opened the cupboard all excited to grab a bowl of cereal. The second I opened the door, the entire box of cereal fell out and spilled all over me.
6. Star-Crossed Lovers
I spent a lot of money to prepare for the last date that I went on. Brand new cocktail dress: $300. Matching peep toe heels: $100. Getting my hair done at the salon: $80. Treating myself to a mani/pedi: $50. Finally meeting the guy I had been chatting online with for 2 months, only to find out he’s my cousin: priceless.
7. Time to Scream
My house got broken into. My brand new laptop was stolen, along with my flatscreen TV, digital camera, external hard drive, and some clothes. Wanting to drown my sorrows in the Ben and Jerry’s ice cream I had been saving in the freezer, I opened the door to find that it too had been stolen. I mean, come on burglars. Really?
8. Time for a Change
I once got locked in a dressing room. It was really slow and there wasn’t any attendant around. I must have been in there for somewhere around one million years before I finally heard someone and yelled for help. Well, it might have been more like seven minutes in reality, but I think you probably get the point!
9. False Hope
Earlier today, I was the only one in the elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, “I have to go, there’s a cute guy on this elevator!” Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, “Sorry for lying, I just really wanted to get off the phone with her!” Great, thanks a lot attractive girl.
10. Under the Weather
My husband once got violently ill with a stomach virus. After four hours of comforting him between trips to the bathroom, the virus kicked in on me. We spent the entire night taking turns in the bathroom, going at both ends. Exhausted and having to get up early, we each took an Immodium and went to bed early. An hour later, I awoke to a wet, squishy sensation, accompanied by the most awful stench you could imagine.
My husband, still sleeping, had gone to the bathroom in bed. Waking up for work was fun the next morning…
11. Don’t Call Me, I’ll Call You
After turning in my resume to more than 100 job openings over the past month, I suddenly realized that the resume does not include my phone number or any other contact information whatsoever.
12. I Can’t Get No Satisfaction
I was once at a hard rock concert. A bunch of guys accidentally knocked down a port-a-potty while moshing. I was inside that port-a-potty at the time…
13. Always Double Check the Ingredients!
Today, I had my first job interview and didn’t have much of an appetite because of the nerves. So, I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride into the city. Well, you guessed it, it wasn’t a normal brownie…About 20 minutes into my interview, I was so not sober that I couldn’t even speak.
14. Three for the Price of One
After months of waiting, I received three college rejections in the mail on the same day.
15. Sometimes, Life Is No Fare
My boyfriend recently broke up with me. I cried and told him that I loved him. He gave me a quarter and told me to call someone who cared. I threw the quarter in his face and ran. Then I waited for the bus to come. Except when I got on, I realized I was 25 cents short of the fare. I walked home, alone, in the rain.
First, I missed a job interview because the GPS on my phone took me 30 minutes in the opposite direction to a Sam’s Club. Then, when I went to go buy myself a hat, I accidentally locked my keys in my car. I am currently on an hour-long train ride all the way back to my neighborhood to crawl through the doggy door at my house and get my spare car key—only to then go all the way back to get my car and drive all the way back home again.
17. Welcome to Adulthood
Today is my 18th birthday. My parents got me a $5 gift certificate for iTunes. It had come for free with the iPhone they had just bought my sister for her middle school graduation.
18. Making Progress
One afternoon, the school bell finally rang and I stepped outside to go home. My first step was into a pile of poo. My second step was into an even bigger pile of poo.
19. Grand in Many Ways
Today, I thought I heard my little sister messing around with my brand new grand piano. Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her—only to find my parents having sex. On my piano.
20. Not What He Had in Mind
I told a good friend of mine that I liked her. It took a lot of my courage, and I was excited that this would be the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Instead, it caused quite a bit of awkwardness between us, and one of my best friends even stopped talking to me over it after a long and dramatic process. So I basically lost two friends.
21. A Kayla by Any Other Name
Today, I overheard my boyfriend of three months talking with his friend, not realizing I could hear them. “Tonight’s the night,” my boyfriend says. “I’m finally going to tell her I love her!” I got really excited, because I loved him too. But then his friend says, “Awesome! But what about Kayla?” Well, I’m Kayla…
22. A Sudden Turn for the Worse
I went on a date with a guy for the first time recently. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for a while, and were joking around and having a good time. I was pretty excited to have finally met someone who seemed cool and normal. Then, all of a sudden, he put his hand on my stomach and said: “Soon, this will be plump with my seed.”
There was no second date…
23. Was It Really That Bad?
I was in the middle of getting it on with a girl I had liked for ages when she suddenly asked me to help her kill herself. Sort of a turnoff…
24. A Mountain of Troubles
I was descending from a climb and it was getting quite late. After making the 200-foot rappel down a cliff, one of the ropes got stuck and I couldn’t pull it down. My partner and I had to climb down the steep, snowy rock with no ropes to get to the next rappel station and make it off the mountain. We ended up walking back in the dark from the bottom of the route and making it to camp a little after midnight.
25. Technical Foul
The guy who I really like took me to a Cavaliers game. At the game, they have a “kiss cam” on the jumbotron where they show couples and have them kiss. At one point, the camera lands on us. Perfect, my chance has come. As I go in to kiss him, he turns and says “Not in this lifetime!” The entire stadium got to see me get rejected.
26. Is There a Doctor in the House?
Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said that she’s looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I’m going to medical school.
27. A Numbers Game
Down in Houston, I was at a party with friends. I suddenly got a text from a number not in my contacts, saying something like “There is a hurricane. Be careful, stay dry.” I responded to it with a link to a raunchy adult video site, because I thought it would be funny. The next morning, I realized that it was my father. He no longer talks to me.
28. That Was Wheely Bad
I once saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to go over and help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. I then watched as someone stole my bike.
29. These Pretzels Are Making Me Thirsty
I sit down for a game of League of Legends. During this game, I have a small ring of snacks around me—including some trusty “Great Value” pretzel sticks. After finishing my other snacks, I turn to the pretzel sticks and eat a couple handfuls. Then, about a quarter of the way through, I bite down on something that feels like a plastic BB. I’m still not fully sure what it was, but my teeth have never been the same.
30. A Breathtaking Story
Today, I choked on a steak during a big family dinner. Everyone was so busy talking that no one even noticed me making the classic “I am choking” motions. So, I started punching my brother in the arm as hard as I could. After what felt like an hour, he turned towards me and said, “What??” Then, he started punching me back really hard, until he FINALLY realized that I was choking. He reached down my throat and pulled the steak out while my mom was in hysterics.
I was about to get on a bus when the wind blew my money out of my hand. By the time I chased it down, the bus was gone. The next one was coming in two hours…
32. Golden Opportunity
Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out, they were checking so that they could make get it on together. I witnessed two 70-year-olds being intimate in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. I want to burn my eyes out.
33. There’s a First Time for Everything
The only time I have ever been pulled over was also the only time that I ever forgot my driver’s license. I was in the middle of driving back to the restaurant where I had left it to pick it back up. Then I also had to tell the officer that I couldn’t exit my vehicle because I was carrying a concealed firearm and my license was still at that restaurant. That was a very tense day.
34. You’re Never Too Old
My parents punished me and made me wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. I’m almost 19 years old. I said the word “hell.”
35. Another Cosmic Mystery
I had a super realistic dream that I had woken up, reached into my pants pockets from the day before, and pulled out some kind of magical cosmic brownie. Shortly after biting into it, I woke up for real. I thought to myself, “Holy moly, this must be a vision!” I went into my pants pocket to pull out the brownie again for another bite.
There was no cosmic brownie to be found. I actually felt emotionally crushed.
36. Candid Camera
Today, I was walking down the street when a man pointed a camera at me. I got immediately annoyed by it, and said, “Did I say that you could take a picture of me?” He replied with, “No, but can you get the heck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and children?” I turned around, and they were right behind me.
37. A Case of Mistaken Identity
After work today, I went to find my car in the parking lot to go home. I found my car doors heavily scratched and all of my tires cut, with a note on my windshield. The note read, “Screw you, Jackson!” I’m Tyler. Jackson is my co-worker.
38. Burning Bush
The other day, I was feeling nostalgic, so I climbed up to the secluded mountain where my boyfriend had taken me for our first date. As I spotted another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to inform him that someone had discovered our secret spot. I then heard his Bob Marley ringtone start playing from the bush…
39. Dropped in More Ways Than One
My husband dropped me off at work one morning. Ten minutes later, I got a text saying, “I just dropped the dunce off. I’ll be there in a few, baby. Miss you!” I asked him about it. He said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Megan.” My name isn’t Megan. Not even close…So yeah, that was the end of my horrible marriage.
40. Family Feud
Today, I found out that my “sister” (who is 16 years older than me) is actually my biological mother. She and my so-called “parents” decided a long time ago that it would somehow be best if I didn’t know who my real mother was. I was raised by my grandparents as their child—and I’ve always totally hated my sister.
41. No Studying in This Study
One afternoon, I was cleaning my father’s study room out while wondering why I had not yet received my acceptance or rejection letter from a college that I really wanted to go to. I found the acceptance letter sitting on his desk, also approving of a full scholarship. The deadline to confirm was a month before…
42. A Lesson He Won’t Soon Forget
Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said “I believe in you, —Mom.” I’m never going to forgive myself.