“A lie keeps growing and growing until it’s as plain as the nose on your face.”—Walt Disney in Pinocchio
Is honesty always the best policy? Even if it is, it definitely isn’t always the one that wins out. Who hasn’t told a lie at some point in their life? Whether it’s a little white lie or a big, elaborate, ongoing one with serious consequences, I’d be lying if I didn’t acknowledge that every one of our noses has probably grown at least a little bit at some point. But, at least we can take some solace in the fact that our lies probably aren’t as big as some of these.
So let’s make ourselves feel better by taking a look at what some serious fibbers have had to say when the people around them just couldn’t handle the truth.
32. Seems a Bit Unnecessary, But Okay
A friend gave me a bunch of squash from his garden. I hate squash. I brought the bag of squash to work so my co-workers could take them home. I don’t know why but this became a big deal and all day long everyone asked me how I grew so much squash. Rather than tell them that the squash came from a friend I lied and told them that I grew the squash. I don’t know why I did this.
31. Some People Would Call That Important!
I just told my coworker I was in the middle of something very important. I’m not doing s***, other than reading this thread.
30. Scapegoating a Colleague at a Terrible Time
This reminds me of a horrible, horrible incident.
I had a bad take away one night and had to work the next day. I went and took one of the messiest dumps of my life, I needed like half a roll to wipe and it stank like cheese scraped from between Satan’s toes and roasted with old dog hair. I flushed and the bowl just filled all the way to the top. I started shoving the toilet brush down there and it just broke up the stuff and turned the toilet water brown and thick with all the toilet paper mixed in there.
I was sweating like a dog in a car wishes it could. I kept on going, trying to shove that crap down to pipe but it wasn’t going anywhere. I quickly opened the door and split like a fat man’s pants. I rushed back to my desk, bright red and sweaty. I knew the hallway smelled like s*** and the office would all be asking who it was eventually and whispering their theories. I knew my sweaty red face would give me away but nothing happened.
No one said a word until the next day when we came into work and someone else tried to flush it again resulting in the bowl overflowing my brown hell-chocolate soup all over the floor. The guy who flushed it ended up inadvertently taking the blame, no one believed it wasn’t him who did the deed. I got away with it scot free but I’ve never been the same since. That poor guy.
29. It’s Mine, Mine, All Mine!!
I told my five-year-old we are out of candy.
There is plenty of candy.
And it’s mine.
28. An Elaborate Chain of Lies
Told my boss just now that I’m leaving work early today for a doctor’s appointment. I don’t feel well.
Truth is I have an interview at 3pm. They received my resume submitted last night and want to talk ASAP.
Not feeling well is a lead-in for me to take tomorrow off because I have another interview, with a different company than the one today.
27. Sometimes It Doesn’t Take Much
Last night encountered two drunken girls attempting to lift a rock. They asked me to help them lift it. My response?
“Sorry, I don’t have any arms.”
I very clearly have arms.
26. False Sense of Confidence Much?
“I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it surely.”
25. Lying For Her Own Benefit
I’m helping my mom’s boyfriend plan his proposal to her, so we’ve both been lying to her pretty steadily which has been enjoyable.
24. I’m Sorry to Hear That
“Hey, how are you?”
No, I’m not good. My girlfriend left me for another guy, every date I have had since doesn’t go past a hug and “best of luck, take care,” and I’m really freaking hungover.
23. And the Search Continues
“Sorry sir, we don’t have any green bananas.” We did have green bananas. We always have green bananas.
22. A Little White Lie Goes a Little Too Far
When I was little my mom and dad used to tell me that at night the night-mice, who lived inside the walls of our house, would come out and protect me from bad dreams, but for them to do that I would have to prepare a bowl of pistachio nuts and peanuts. So for several years almost every evening I sat there for hours cracking and peeling nuts until my fingers hurt and put the bowl on the living room table. The next day the nuts would be gone and I felt all happy and content.
One day I asked whether there really were any night-mice inside our house and my dad had to start laughing. From that day on I knew that they had been using me as a nutcracker so that they could watch movies eating nuts while I was asleep. But it was okay he said, because I was happy about the mice eating the nuts and having no nightmares and they were happy too. Hmm, one day your kids will find out that you’ve lied to them and for that day you better prepare some good explanations 😛
21. So That’s How You Talk to Man’s Best Friend?
I told my dogs before we left for a morning of errands that we would be back in a few minutes…. I am an awful person. :'(
Made it home at 3:00… I am still loved!
20. That’s Actually a Pretty Smart Plan…
“Have you heard of anyone with a laptop for sale for cheap? I just started school and I really need one.” Actually I was trying to find the f*** head street kid who stole my best friend’s laptop. Managed to get some info and pass it along and today her boyfriend called me to tell me he tracked it down and the jerk was in the back of a cop car for theft. Yay! She got it back!
19. Happy Anniversary, Hubby!
Yesterday I left my husband a voicemail saying I was stuck in a meeting at work. I was actually getting ready to board a plane to North Carolina where he had a long layover as a surprise visit for our fifth Anniversary. The timing was right with this AskReddit question I guess.
18. Well, I Guess That’s One Way to Respond
I always answer the homeless with “I don’t carry cash, only plastic.”
I feel bad because it’s a lie most of the time, but I’ve had more than a few homeless be straightforward about only wanting beer.
17. What a Cheerful Person
I’m actually exuberantly jubilant.
16. Getting Out on a Technicality
I once had to explain that something was, in fact, impossible, and it wasn’t us just saying impossible to mean very tricky. Now the sales guys think I’m lazy for not trying to break the speed of light.
I no longer say anything is possible. It’s always a “yes we can, buuuut…” And then tell them it will take two years to do. If we had budget. Which we don’t.
I just remembered that after I was asked if we could do the breaking the laws of physics thing thing, before I could answer, I was told, “By the way, I already told the client we could do this, so I don’t want to have to go back to them and say no”
15. Ouch! This One is Brutal!
That dress looks good on you!
14. So What Are You Thinking About?
“What are you thinking about?” “I’m trying to figure out the most efficient ways to present the sales model.”
Not true. I spent the last ten minutes wondering how long will it take me to selectively breed bears to a smaller size so I can sell pet-house bears.
13. We Both Know This One Is Not True
I’ll get off reddit and go to bed soon. I promise.
12. It Can’t Be a Lie if it’s Half True, Right?
I told the girl I have been hooking up with that I had dreamed I was waking up next to her and I was extremely disappointed when I woke up alone. Granted, I was extremely disappointed when I woke up, but I didn’t have any dreams last night.
11. Say What Now?
This is the last lie I told.
10. Starting Out On the Wrong Foot
I pulled out a piece of paper in class and wrote “hello” on it and slid it to the girl next to me. She responded with a “hi” and slid it back. We kept sending the paper back and forth to each other until I wrote a joke on the paper. She scribbled something on the paper and handed it back to me. The paper read “lol” after my joke. She, in fact, did not laugh out loud. I am sitting right next to her so I know she didn’t laugh. I still went ahead and used the notes to get her number but I don’t know how well it will work out with someone who lies like that.
9. It Was Probably You
It’s not you, it’s me… it was totally you, and the weird timing of what you told me!
8. Living It Up
After my buddy sent me a picture of his sexy haircut, I said “Can we get naked tonight?” He said he couldn’t… so I lied and said “Yeah I wasn’t serious. I’ve got plans. I’m going out.”
Really, I watched a marathon of criminal minds and checked my phone every five minutes to see if there was a message from him to actively ignore so I could appear “busy.”
7. I Have a Strong Feeling This Whole Story Is a Lie
Superman is a complete jerk.
Ever have one of those days where everything goes right? Went to work in the morning, and happened to share the elevator with the CEO. I was totally on my game, and he invited me up to the executive suites to “pick my brain about the company.” Spent an hour with him, and ended the conversation with a huge raise and the directive to start a new department. I just about left his office walking on a cloud.
Hopped on the elevator to head to my office, and went by the 68th floor, where there’s a modeling agency. My favorite model (well known, but I won’t mention her name here) gets on the elevator. For some reason, I am just on my game, and I chat her up.
Within the distance 20 floors, I have her number, and she invites me to join her on a trip to an island paradise for the upcoming Sports Illustrated swimsuit shoot. Private jet, on her, the whole nine yards. AND… AND… we agree to meet later that night to “get to know each other better,” she says, with a very cute wink. I could barely contain my excitement!
I’m thinking, I have to buy a freakin’ lottery ticket… this is my lucky day. The restaurant next door has one of those Keno deals where they have a drawing every five minutes or so. I mark the heck out of my card, and, sure-as-heck, I hit a $19 Mil jackpot with one card. This is un-be-lievable.
I run outside, screaming shouts of joy at the top of my lungs. I can’t believe my luck. And the crowd outside barely notices. They’re all pointing up in the sky, at the guy in the cape, who is flying around the world backwards, turning back time.
6. This Guy Has His Priorities in Order
“Hey I slept through my alarm, so I’ll be in a little late today.”
I’d been up for an hour playing Destiny, and lost track of time before I went to work.
5. Let It All Out, Buddy—The Internet Is Here For You
“I did call that place and ask about a job. The guy said the manager was out sick, so I should call back tomorrow.”
I never called. I tried to call, but I started to feel physically ill just thinking about picking up the phone.
Since moving to Australia, I’ve been job-hunting nonstop for six months. Nothing’s come up. I’ve had three interviews which led to dragging me around telling me good things and then saying “Thanks, but no thanks” at the last second. I have over 150 applications saved in my email, and that’s not counting the dozens of places I’ve walked into and handed in a resume with a bright, cheery smile covering my intense feeling of vulnerability.
And that’s why I have so much trouble calling. To start off, I absolutely despise talking on the phone. For whatever reason, I just have massive issues understanding anything that is said over the phone. I can never hear what the other person said, and now living in a place where people have thick Aussie accents just makes it 10x worse. I always have to have them repeat and I end up making myself sound stupid or vapid, which is a great impression to make when calling about a job. Even my partner is hard to hear and understand. So, I avoid it whenever possible.
But the worst part is that every time I walk up to the counter to hand in a resume, or call someone to inquire about a job, I feel like my tough exterior shell has been completely shattered, and there’s a powerful sense of raw vulnerability.
I feel like I’m practically begging for a job, asking for anything, anything at all that they might have, while at the same time making it seem like I’m a professional, mature, go-getter who’s only looking for casual work as a way to pass time. When in fact, I’m desperately in need of my own money and no one will hire me for a full-time job or a job where I’m expected to stay for longer than six months due to my visa, so my only options are casual and temp work.
My partner and I will go out handing resumes to a bunch of places every other Friday, and I’m so fearful of it every time. I might start out okay, but after the fifth “We don’t have anything available right now, but I can leave your resume with our manager,” I start feeling that pit of panic and frustration growing in my stomach.
Considering half the places I’ve handed resumes to and then called back for a follow-up have told me that my resume doesn’t even exist, I feel like it’s not even worth the f***ing pain. I walk out of every shop forcing myself to not start sobbing like a maniac. If it wasn’t for my partner, I probably couldn’t do it at all.
And then every so often, there will be a job or two that I’m excited about because I think I have a real chance. A library was looking for a library assistant, which I have three years experience in and was honestly the best work I’ve ever had. And then a job as a sorter at a donations warehouse popped up and I’ve been volunteering at a charity center doing exactly that, so I had a bunch of enthusiasm again.
During those times, when I think something really good is just within reach, all of the “You’ve been unsuccessful” emails I get from the other ten places I’ve applied to that week don’t even bother me. But, when I inevitably get the same email from those jobs I’m most excited about, I’m absolutely devastated, and I just want to give up on even trying. I put everything I have into these applications and get nothing. I’ve been rejected by McDonald’s, Hungry Jacks, Red Rooster, and every other fast food “easy hiring” place available.
I’m at the point where I might as well just focus on my permanent residency application and start trying after that (hopefully) gets approved. It’s been two years since my last job, and I’m at my limit.
Sorry for the really long post. I just needed to vent.
4. Getting Under Their Skin
I told a Jehovah’s Witness I was a lesbian, and that my wife and I would appreciate if they didn’t bother us again.
3. I’m Sorry to Hear That
A guy on an online dating site was trying to show me pictures of his private parts, I kept saying the links were broken to see how many different places he’d try to upload it, and how much tech support he’d offer to fix whatever the problem might be on my end.
Turns out the answer is four.
2. Welcome to Facebook!
I once told my mom that wtf stood for “Welcome to Facebook.” Every time she got a new friend she would post on their wall “We are friends now! WTF!”
1. Well That’s Just Plain Dark
I’ve been seeing a married woman for a couple of months. We have friends in common, so our relationship is limited to her coming to my apartment, us having drinks and maybe dinner and then having sex. I’m not actually sure why I’m doing it, as it leaves me feeling pretty low. I mean, where can this go really. S
he comes from a conservative culture and was a virgin when she married her husband. As far as I know, I’m her second lover. She whispered, “I love you.” into my ear last night after we’d had sex. I said it back almost reflexively. I didn’t mean it in the least.