11. Method Actor?
I went out with a guy for a pizza date. Or so I thought. As we were sitting eating our pizza, he suddenly put on a clown nose out of nowhere, and then just kept eating. I asked him if there was an explanation to that, and he said he was “just trying out his new nose.” Then he started jazz scatting like he was Ella Fitzgerald. For two hours, he was just jammin’ to himself in a pizza place with a clown nose.
I didn’t want to leave because I was his ride back to the train station, and because he had traveled pretty far to see me. Eventually, I drove him back to the train station. He didn’t get out of my car. I asked him why, and he said, “I’m thinking.” Then he leaned in like he was going to kiss me—but instead rubbed his face on mine like a cat, licked my cheek, and left. Of all of my bad dates, none have ever left me more confused than that one.
12. Wrong Place, Wrong Time
I wasn’t feeling great, but decided to meet this girl anyway. We met at a Belgian bar. She was gorgeous, fun, and totally into me. I felt a gas pain, so I leaned forward slightly to quietly relieve the pressure. I completely and explosively pooped myself. The odor was immediate. I excused myself to the bathroom, but the damage was too great.
I walked out of the bathroom, muddy-panted, out of the bar, and boarded the train for home. The date was nothing compared to the horror of the following three weeks, recovering from E-coli.
13. Somebody’s Watching Me
A girl I went on a date with brought a female friend along. The female friend would always sit or stand a few feet from us and not get involved in what we were doing. She was just observing us intently. When I met the girl at first that day, she said her friend “liked to come along on dates” but that didn’t make much sense to me.
Near the end of the afternoon, I ended up asking her what’s up with her friend observing us from a distance with a weird look. My date replied, “I told you she likes to come along on dates and watch us.” I pushed for some more details, and my date finally let out “Well she really likes watching people on dates. It turns her on, you know?”
That’s when I realized the weird look her friend had all day while watching us was actually a look of arousal. I have never been so creeped out in my life.
14. Real Men Get Lost
I have a story about a date that didn’t even get to happen. I got set up to meet somebody off the internet, who lived about an hour away. He was going to come into the city, and we would meet for lunch, go to the local Aviary, be all giggly and stuff, and hang out with some birds. Then (because I am a very emancipated woman) maybe come home for the fun times.
I didn’t know a whole lot about him at all, but I was willing to entertain the possibility, and it had been ages since I’d been on a date—working too hard, studying too much. The idea of a relaxing day was really pleasant. He was supposed to pick me up at noon. At 12:30, he calls and tells me he’s lost; he thinks he knows where I am, I should just hang tight.
What followed was SIX HOURS of getting a phone call every hour where I offered to come and find him, and he said nope! Nope. A real man doesn’t accept handouts like that! I made lunch, ate it. Watched a movie. Read a book. Spent a stupid amount of time on the phone listening to him curse at the city, the drivers in the city, the road signs in the city, and his car.
Finally, at nearly 7:00 pm he says, “I think I’ll stop at another gas station and get more directions,” and I just cut him off right there. “No. Sorry. No. Go home. This isn’t going to work. I’m ticked off and frustrated with you. Just go home.” “But aren’t you gonna give me a chance?” “Go home!” And then he swore at me and I hung up on him.
15. Ladies’ Man
I was on a date with a guy I liked, and while he was driving, he got a speeding ticket and asked me to pay for it, since I was talking and he was “distracted” from the road. I was annoyed, but I took the ticket. He then took me to dinner at Hooters and asked me to pick up the tab so he can pay for us to get into some night club, where he spends the entire evening talking about other women he’d been with. Needless to say, there was no second date.
16. The Ol’ Switcheroo
I had just come back home from college and was having a night drinking at the local watering hole when I noticed the place had a new bartender. New attractive bartender. Short hair, nice tattoos that were clearly leading to interesting places and an Electric Six shirt. Oh. Yes. So, I start making a bit of conversation, and much to my surprise, we seem to really hit it off.
This wasn’t just a bartender-is-everyone’s-best-friend-until-they-leave hitting it off, but a really cool conversation. She starts hinting at if I’m seeing anyone, and I say no, and she immediately reaches into her pocket and starts writing something down. “On top is the number at the apartment, and these are directions. We’re having a party on Wednesday night, and you should come.”
True enough, a phone number and directions. What would you think? Wednesday comes and I’m dressed up and ready to impress. I head over to her place, knock on the door, and there she is, looking amazing. She smiles and hugs me, grabs me by the hand, and drags me through the party until she gets to this big dude. “Jonas, this is my roommate Jeff. Jeff, this is Jonas.”
I do the whole pleasantry thing, but when I turn around, she’s gone. Gone. Like Batman. Not knowing anyone else, I just keep on talking to Jeff. Seems like a good guy. Then the truth finally hit me. Suddenly he stops me mid-sentence and says, “You’re not gay, are you?” “No?” “You should really tell Liz that.” She had apparently set up the entire party as an excuse to hook me up with her roommate.
I had been on a blind date with a dude and didn’t even know.
17. In The Pocket
Ever played billiards on a first date, and a blind one at that? Imagine everything going great with the date…until she decides to flirt by sneaking up on you from behind while you’re taking a shot. Before her flirt, you take the shot and as you lean back your head connects directly with her nose, breaking it. Yeah, good times.
18. He’s Not All That
When I was 15, I went abroad to Germany to study for a year. I was an awkward, anxious, nerdy girl and didn’t make any friends, though one charitable soul offered to set me up on a date with a guy she knew from another school. I’ve never been the dating type, but I went along with it in hopes that it might crack some of the boredom, and what the heck, maybe this guy and I might hit it off.
Fast forward to date day, and I ask the guy what he wants to do. It’s a small suburban town just far enough outside the nearest city for it to be a pain to commute to, and not big enough on its own to offer much in the way of entertainment for two teens on a blind date. This guy, Kalle, suggests going for a walk. Fine, I’m down with that.
So we walk around, grab a coffee, and talk for about an hour or so. That’s all the time I need to settle any doubt that this guy is not for me. He’s not a bad guy, he just lacks even the faintest glimmer of intelligence. I ask him about his hobbies, and he tells me that he’s interested in pipefitting because that’s the vocation he intends to go into at his father’s request, despite his own indifference.
I ask him if he likes to travel and he says no, but he’s traveled a bit in his life. Where did he travel? About 45 km west of the town he grew up in, when he got lost and accidentally crossed the border into the Netherlands on his moped. He then launches into a tangent, completely out of nowhere, about how women can’t and shouldn’t be allowed to operate motor vehicles. (Hypocrisy much???)
At school the following week, the girl who set me up with this guy asked how everything went. I tried to be as diplomatic as possible and said that he seemed like a nice guy, but we didn’t have much in common, and thanks for making the effort, but I’m not interested in a second date. This is when I found out the awful reality of the situation.
My host sister, who’d tormented me in subtle ways from pretty much within a week of my arrival, then joined my classmate and they both collapsed in paroxysms of laughter and high-fives. Apparently, the two of them had arranged this date as a prank, and had a bet with each other about if I would go on a second date with this guy.
And if I had slept with the dude, well…I don’t know. It never would have come to that. Needless to say that, upon learning of this scheme at my expense, I unleashed some serious fury.
19. Cheap Date
He took me out for dinner and a movie. Dinner was at Burger King. My meal of chicken tenders and a small fry cost under $4 at the time. Then, we saw Schindler’s List. No lie. His choice. But then it got worse. Afterward, he told me he didn’t believe the Holocaust happened. On top of that, when I bid him a good evening, he complained that I didn’t put out because he bought me dinner.
I didn’t stick around to go watch Apollo 13 and find out if he thought the moon landing was fake, and perhaps eventually barter my favors for an entire extra value meal. My self-esteem in college was low, but not that low.
20. Eating For Two
I chatted a girl up online for about a week or so, and things went pretty well, so we decided to meet up. I asked her out for dinner, and said that if things went all right we’d go grab a drink. Let’s just say her photo didn’t match her appearance. Her excuse was that she had a crazy ex who was stalking her, so she used her sister’s photo and name.
HER NAME!!! SHE LIED ABOUT HER NAME! Anyway, come to find out through our “interview” that she was an only child. She didn’t catch her slip up, but I sure did. She rambled on and on and on about stuff I really couldn’t have cared less about. Then came the food. The waitress may as well have brought it out in a trough, as this woman didn’t use her utensils.
Did I mention we were at a steak restaurant? That’s right folks, she picked her steak up and ate it with her hands. Let’s not even get into the potatoes. It was the worst date of my life. I couldn’t eat my meal. I told her I wasn’t feeling well and that I was just going to get my food in a box to go and I’d eat it later if I felt better. Her response: “Would you mind if I ate it?”
She proceeded to devour my dinner as well. The waitress comes over and says “Goodness. When is your due date?” So she says that she is due in two months. First off, I couldn’t believe the waitress asked that, but then I was floored at the girl’s response. Unbelievable. Being the gentleman that I am, I picked up the check because hey, it wasn’t going to pay itself. I kindly said it was “nice to meet you,” got in my car, and went to the bar. Well, she followed me.
She followed me to the bar, and when I got out of my car, she proceeded to berate me over why I was going out instead of going home. Now she’s calling me a liar in the parking lot of the bar I frequent, and my work buddies are starting to roll in. I never heard the end of it. I said to heck with this, got in my car, and drove home.
21. Three’s Company
I went out with this girl four or five times, but this was the first time I picked her up from her house. When I went to drop her off, there was an extra car in the driveway. I said that she had never mentioned having a roommate, and asked when she was going to introduce me. That’s when I learned the chilling truth. She said, “Oh, no, that’s my husband’s car.”
22. Stay Hydrated
It was my freshman year of college. He took me to Wendy’s for a date because neither of us had a lot of money. He had one of those monotone voices, and could drone on and on and on about nothing. He was telling one such story when I swallowed my water the wrong way and started coughing. This was still a date, so at first, I tried to politely expel the water, but to no avail.
As he continued to talk, I started hacking all over the table. Tears were streaming down my face, water was dribbling down my chin, and I was pounding my own back at a futile attempt to get the devil water out of my system. He kept talking. Trying to hold the water in at first was a bad idea. I could not stop coughing. But then it got so much worse.
I bent down under the table, hoping the angle would make it easier to cough up the liquid. Everybody in the whole restaurant was staring at me in silence. Except for my date, of course. He was still telling his story. I finally finished hacking up my lungs and tried to listen to the rest of his story. I had no idea what he was talking about.
He continued with his anecdote, unfazed by my wet, red face and smeared make-up. When he finally finished, I apologized for my coughing fit and explained that I had swallowed my water the wrong way. To which he replied, “Oh, I was wondering what was wrong with you.” Thanks, my dude. We did not have a second date.
23. For Your Eyes Only
I went on a date with this guy who seemed really sweet. We went out to a really classy dinner. The food was great, the atmosphere was fantastic…but at the end of the main course, he whipped out his phone and started showing me pictures he’d taken of his private area. Like…different angles, lighting, dynamic effects.
I rode with him to the restaurant, so I had to sit next to him on the ride home and fight the urge to fling the door open and tuck ‘n roll.
24. The Talking Cure
I had recently started dating this guy, and we were on our way to Circuit City to browse around for a few things he needed for his computer. While in the car on the way there, an annoying techno song came on and I commented on how I couldn’t stand how often they played it on the radio. He turned it up a bit, telling me that he liked the song.
I laughed and jokingly said, “OK, well I’m not talking to you until this song finishes!” I smiled at him and looked away, just enjoying the car ride. This turned out to be a huge mistake. We park the car and I immediately sense that something is wrong. He’s walking a few paces in front of me, clearly trying to avoid walking side-by-side.
I let it go and run to catch up to him. I take his arm and kiss him on the cheek and proceed to walk to the store with him. Again, he seems distant. I ask him what’s wrong and he tells me he’s fine. I let it go and decide to enjoy the shopping we were there to do. We’re browsing through the store, and suddenly I realize that he’s nowhere to be seen.
It’s around 7:00 PM at the time and the store was pretty crowded. I figure he must have wandered to another aisle and I do the same. 15 minutes later, there is still no sight of him. AT ALL. I’m walking through the store searching for him, and nothing. It’s now 8 PM. I call his cell phone and it rings out. I walk out to the car, and it’s empty. There are about six other stores in the complex and I wasn’t about to walk to each one searching for him.
It’s now 8:45 and I’m getting scared. The store closes at 9, so there aren’t that many people there. Finally, the store is closing and I walk out to the nearly empty parking lot. Well, there he is, sitting in the car. I run over with tears in my eyes, asking what happened. He looks at me calmly and says, “Now you know how it feels when the lines of communication have been cut.”
25. My Condolences
I told a guy about my mom’s upcoming surgery, which wasn’t life-threatening. The guy said to me, “Well, because of where you grew up, maybe a passing in the family would serve you well. You know, a character builder. People like you could really learn from that.” So he wanted my mom to pass? I wrapped it up quickly after that.
26. Parallel Lives
3-4 months ago, I was talking to a girl on OkCupid. Things were going pretty well and we decided to get together. I was on a budget because I was saving to move out of the country, so I suggested a local Thai place which had $0.25 cent drinks with an entrée, figuring the food was pretty decent and the cheap drinks wouldn’t hurt.
I offered to pick her up, but she declined, which is completely respectable. The night of the date, I’m running about five minutes late and feeling a bit rushed when I get a call from her. Even though I gave her an exact address in an easy to find place in town, she’s having trouble getting there. She ends up calling me back 6-7 times in the next 45 minutes as she tries to find her way there, no advice I could give was helping this girl.
By this point, I’ve already been there 30+ minutes and am about three-quarters of the way through my first drink. Red flags about how incompetent this girl must be are going crazy, but I’m already on the ride. The final time she calls me she says, “Hey, is there parking lot?” to which I reply, “No, it’s all street parking, but there were a lot of open spots when I parked.”
She then replies, “I don’t know how to parallel park.” Mind you this is a city, parallel parking is a way of life.I’m pretty dumbfounded that she doesn’t possess this skill. This is already a nightmare in my mind, and as I sit there pondering how to solve it, she asks if I would mind coming outside so that I can park her car.
I agree and start walking outside, being a bit embarrassed at having to explain that I’ll be right back to the hostess. I walk outside and a few minutes later she pulls up. First of all, this girl was not as advertised. I got Myspace-angled hard. I’m not someone who needs the perfect girl, but I’m telling you this was out of control.
I climb into the driver’s seat and the first thing I say is how weird it is. I tell her I haven’t driven anything but a manual in three years and her automatic feels very strange. I slowly accelerate and head down the block. Part of the way down I see an open spot. I let off the gas and instinctively go to push in the clutch. Instead, I stomped the brake.
Hard. This girl had quite a lot of mass and wasn’t wearing a seatbelt. Any physics student knows what happened next. Her head flew forward and nailed the dashboard. I start apologizing like crazy, and luckily she wasn’t hurt. We spent the next hour having a really awkward dinner and then parted ways. No, we didn’t call each other.
27. Eager Beaver
My sister’s husband wants me to go out with his best friend. First, he insists on opening doors for me. Not like, the car door as I enter or a building door—that would have been OK. But everything. When we pulled up to the movie theater, I tried to exit the car. Instead, he yelled “NO NO” and ran out of the car and to the passenger side, pushed the door closed, and then opened it again.
Again, he made a scene at the box office when I said I’d pay for my own ticket. I had told him before that I thought first dates should be Dutch so that no one feels any undue pressure, but he actually pushed me out of the way so he could pay for our tickets. I was steamed. After the movie, he asked if I wanted to go to Dunkin’ Donuts for coffee and dessert.
I told him I had to get home. On the way home, he told me that he’d be really happy if I came to church with him on Sunday so I could meet his family. Ick.
28. Leave Them Wanting More
I was on a dating site for a while and agreed to meet a guy for drinks after we emailed back and forth. I should have seen the red flags. He was a lawyer, well-educated, seemingly honest, claimed to be a good-looking guy…but he posted a deceptive photo of himself. I barely recognized him when I saw him. But he was just getting started.
He refused to tell me where he worked, or his last name, explained his phone number is unlisted due to his profession. THEN he proceeds to go through all of the photos on my phone when I tried to show him just one. I got the most expensive drink I could find, chugged it, then got out of there as fast as I could carry myself.
29. We Were On A Break
I had been single for around nine months and resorted to chatrooms to see if I could meet a girl in my city. I started chatting with this girl who sounded great: same age, friendly, brown hair, green eyes, curves in the right places, does some modeling. Sweet! She doesn’t want to send me a pic for privacy reasons or whatever. Should’ve heard alarm bells.
So, we decide to meet downtown for dinner. Hmm, she sure is a bit short and chubby for a model! Never mind, she seems nice in person so we go to dinner. The small talk was pretty average and the whole time she is looking around nervously. I finally ask her what’s wrong. She says, “Oh nothing, I’m just worried that my boyfriend might walk past and see us.” What the heck??
Sensing my shock, she tries to appease me by saying, “We’ve been together for a couple years, but really it’s been over for a few months now. I just haven’t worked up the courage to dump him yet.” Right there I was so tempted to go to the bathroom and never come back. I decided to be a gentleman instead. We finished our dinner and I walked her to the train station.
She called and emailed me a few times afterward, but I just ignored her. Surely, she knew the reason why.
30. Sibling Rivalry
On a date with a girl, we went for a walk across the city. Well, these guys she knew kept stopping her on the street to say hi and exchange a few words with her. Each time, she’d tell me it was one of her brothers. Apparently, this girl had over 15 brothers and randomly met them all on the same day…I still have no idea who these guys really were or why she clearly lied about their relationship.
I went on a date with a guy who I met on the Internet. We decided to go get a coffee, take a walk around town, and if that all went well, we agreed we’d go see a movie. We met up and went to the coffee shop, where he slowly began to turn bright red and start sweating profusely. He played it off and said, “let’s go for that walk.” It was winter in Chicago, and somewhere around 15 or 20 degrees out, but I was game.
Obviously, the dude was nervous and I was hoping the walk would calm him down. Throughout the walk, he fluctuated between somewhat comfortable to being uncomfortable looking, but none of it was enough for me to take much notice. Nerves calm, right? After our walk, we agreed that we’d go to the movie. It would give him a chance to sit and relax, and we wouldn’t have to talk.
We were standing in line and he looked at me and said, “I can’t do this… I can’t do this, I’m sorry,” and ran away. Literally hauled his butt away from me. Later, I got an email from him saying I was prettier in person than he’d imagined, and so nice, that he just freaked out and couldn’t deal. It didn’t make me feel any better at all.
32. Don’t Call Me
I was set up with a friend of my roommate’s girlfriend. Let’s call the date “Lisa” and let’s call the roomie’s girlfriend “Karen.” I knew what she looked like so I knew there was an attraction but I had never spoken with her. We met outside of the restaurant and Lisa was on her cell phone. I figured it must have been important, but as we walked in and waited for the table she kept talking about stupid junk.
She was clearly on the phone with a BFF about nonsense. She gets off the phone, doesn’t apologize, and we get seated. About two minutes later her phone rings again and it is the same, “OMG, no way!” garbage conversations. The waitress comes over and we order drinks…while she is still on the phone and I twiddle my thumbs.
The drinks come, Lisa is still on the phone….I’m half done my drink and have waved the waitress off once already because Lisa is still on the phone. I’m not proud of what I did next…ok, I’m a little proud. Finally, about 20 minutes into the call, I quietly stand up, take $20 out of my wallet, and walk out without saying a word.
As I’m walking out, I see Lisa’s eyes widen to the size of dinner plates, her mouth open wide, and her face turn red in embarrassment. All of the surrounding tables had seen what transpired and were whispering to themselves about it. By the time I got home, my date Lisa was on the phone with Karen who was over at our house at the time.
It didn’t occur to me until now that my date was probably on the phone with Karen the whole time! Karen was furious. As soon as I walked through the door, she started attacking me with, “You are such a jerk, why would you just leave her there and not say anything!?!?” I looked her in the eyes and calmly replied, “I didn’t want to interrupt such an important phone call.”
I then walked into my room and went to bed. As I was leaving the living room, I noticed the same expression on her face that Lisa had when I left the restaurant.
33. Like Mother, Like Daughter
I went on a date with a girl, and during the date, she showed me pictures of her breasts…and then her mom’s chest too, for good measure. She then asked me which was nicer. I’m still not sure what she’s doing with pictures of her mom’s goods in her purse or why she cares what a date thinks of them…I did not go on a second date to find out!
34. Most Unladylike
I went on a blind date. The girl had an okay profile, of course single, no kids, seemed intelligent enough to not type like a four-year-old. I dressed nicely, and picked her up promptly at 7. She seemed nice enough, and I took her to see a movie. The actual movie was not important. It was what she did during the movie that sealed her fate.
Throughout the entire film, she talked in almost a shouting volume, put her feet up on someone else’s chair, and threw popcorn into the audience. I was mortified to be associated with a girl who was so obnoxious, so I figured I would take her to eat, then cut my losses. I took her to Cheddars, where she could at least talk.
When we finally got a semi-decent conversation going, it went off the rails again. The server came out with a tray of drinks. She grabbed hers, then said that they brought her Coke and not Pepsi. When the server returned, she dumped the whole glass of soda on him, and demanded a refund for the meal that I was paying for! I was disgusted at this point.
Finally, I took her outside after dinner to explain that she was a nice enough girl, but I didn’t think the experience deserved a second date. She went insane, throwing rocks, trying to take my keys, etc. I never saw her again, and I don’t want to repeat the experience.
35. Shut The Front Door
When I reach for the door, he tackles and shoves me aside so he can….open the door for me. I thought it was an accident, so I laugh it off by commenting on how hard it must be for guys to follow all these rules of being gentlemanly, and mentioned it’s easier for me as there are fewer rules to follow. He gets a devilish look in his eyes and says, “Women are expected to provide certain ‘services’ to a gentleman.” Oh heck no.
36. You Dog, You
I met a girl via Facebook, and we met up at a coffee shop. I don’t even drink coffee, it’s just a cliché spot in the dating routine. ANYWAY. She grabs a coffee, and we start talking. Things go really well. She offers to drive me home after two hours of talking. Then she says “Before we leave, I need to tell you…”Oh. My. God, guys.
She said she’ll be the perfect girlfriend, meet my parents, be the goody-good girlfriend. But two nights a week, she wants me in a kennel at the foot of her bed. She whipped out her phone and showed me pictures. She went into great detail about the things she “needs” from me. She said I’d be perfect for what she wants, blah blah blah.
I tried to be nice and not flip the table and run. I let her down, knowing it was all lots of fun and I really appreciate her being upfront about all that. There are places to go online and seek out people who are into that sort of thing, but sadly I couldn’t do it.
37. Mystery Date
Well, I’ve never personally gone on a blind date, but my friend accidentally set himself up with one. So, I’m going to call my friend Steve. Steve and I worked together at this retail store probably four years back, and we happened to work with this one girl roughly our age. She was cute, kind of tall, and fairly shy the entire time we were there.
Anyway, fast forward four years. Steve had moved away for a year, then moved back home. He had been home for roughly 1.5 years, had no job or anything of the sort. He was in the store we used to work at one day and saw that this cute girl was still working there. Now he couldn’t remember her name. He sent me a pic of her and I recognized her, but again didn’t know her name.
Our original plan was myself, my girlfriend, one of her friends, and my friend Steve were going to go see Toy Story 3. So, he decides he’s going to call up this girl who’s working and invite her out. He calls her up, talks to a manager, and finds out the girl working is called Tara. So, he invites her out, and shockingly enough she agrees!
So, my friend Steve is all pumped, as it’s been literally years since he’s had a girlfriend, and he calls me up and tells me about it. On my way into town I decide to stop in the store with my girlfriend to walk by and see who’s working. Well…we either thought he asked out the wrong girl, or she was on break. We wandered around and couldn’t find her.
So, we left, broke the news to Steve that his date might not be “as advertised.” Regardless, 9:30 rolls around and we’re at the theatre. I’m buying tickets, and Steve wanders over and asks me what he’s supposed to do. Buy her a ticket and wait or what. I was so confused—but then I turned around and suddenly realized the hilarious truth.
I see the girl who was working at the store…the WRONG girl. She’s quite a bit uglier than the girl he was aiming for, but ya…So, my girlfriend and I just kind of quietly say, “Oh dang!” We break the news to him, and as we’re breaking the news she’s talking to the ticket guy, who’s only about 5 feet away. She has no idea what he looks like, and they actually walked past each other without even noticing.
So here they are, five feet apart, talking to their respective friends. She’s explaining to her friend that some random guy called her up on a date, and she didn’t know what to do, and my friend’s trying to figure out if he should introduce himself or not. Anyway’, he ends up introducing himself, buys her the ticket…and shockingly enough they are around one month into their relationship now.
38. Plugged In
The date itself was good. We hit it off and had a lot of common interests. It was the end of the date that sucked. She asked me at the end of the date what my Facebook name was. I told her, honestly, that I don’t have Facebook. She looked shocked. But since the first date went great, I asked her out again a few days later.
She flat-out told me no, because, and I quote, “I can’t trust anyone who doesn’t have a Facebook account.” So glad I avoided crazy that early on.
39. The Worst Of A Bad Time
The plan for the date is dinner and a movie. We were set up by a mutual friend and had been texting and talking on the phone and I was pretty excited. He shows up an hour late. I would have cut and run then but I wanted to make the best of it…and he was good friends with one of my friends, so…I instantly regretted my decision.
On the way to the movie, I discover he already had dinner. I’m now starving hungry, so I make the best of it and grab chocolate bars at the gas station. He starts talking about how chocolate will make me fat. I’m a skinny girl. And still, who says that? So we’re waiting for the movie to start and I’m munching on my snacks and he keeps going on about how I wouldn’t want to get fat!
I smile and nod. On the drive home, we start talking about movie editing. I ask him a question, and I’m halfway through it when he cuts me off and says “You’re smart too! Now I’m realllly in love!” Then he doesn’t actually answer my question. Instead, just starts aimlessly complimenting me about anything and everything, really erratically.
When he dropped me off, I’m ready to dash but still, too nice to be rude, and it’s kind of a laugh the guy is arrogant, shallow, rude, and can’t hold an intelligent conversation. Now he’s telling me about his gun collection. Oh look there’s some in his trunk! He wants to show me them…but I have an early class so I have to go. We never spoke again.
40. Keep It Classy
I had been chatting with this girl online for a while, and made plans to meet up. She had pushed back our plans twice so far, and I said to myself if she does this once more I’ll never speak to her again. So, third time’s a charm, I’m driving up to meet her. Get caught in abysmal traffic. I felt like a fool, but I let her know I’d be like 15 minutes late.
Her response? “Oh is that today? I forgot! Aaaaaargh!” I agreed to have her meet me, but she said to while away 15 minutes while she “gets ready” and she’ll call. That 15 minutes was 45. I pride myself on punctuality, and stuff like that really gets under my skin. But she was hot, so I took it with a grain of salt and kept the day alive.
She gives abysmal directions, but I make it to her place. Pretty good looking, enough that I could put up with her aloofness. I walk inside, and am overwhelmed with the smell of weed. I don’t have a problem with that, but I do have a problem with her place reeking of it. Explains the aloofness, but whatever. She asks to stay in for a while, play Guitar Hero. Sure, why not.
We get to talking, get closer, start petting, etc. Before too long she has her hands down my pants. I feel this is as good of an invitation as any to move on to her chest. As soon as I do, she shoves me back, and gives me this classic line “Uh! I am a preacher’s daughter!!” I look down at her hand, still down my pants, and laugh. I got up and left. No amount of hot is worth that much crazy.
41. A Strong Push Out Of The Closet
I went on a date with a woman who I met at a karaoke bar. We met for tea, which was really uncomfortable because I didn’t know what kind of tea to order on a date, so I got chamomile to soothe my nerves. She talked a lot—I mean a lot. About her cats, the mean person at work, and her favorite brand of toothpaste. I could deal with all that—but what she said next just blew my mind.
Eventually, she told me that she had a tattoo above her posterior of an arrow pointing downwards and the words “EXIT ONLY.” I blinked, asked her why she would get a tattoo of that, and then moved a small step towards the journey of accepting my own gender preferences. I came out as gay two years later.
42. I Can See Clearly Now
Our date was going well. We were making out a little when she licks the contact lens out of my eye. I’m like, you just licked my eye, thinking she made a mistake, to which she responded “Live a little”??? I kindly asked her for my contact back; she said eyeball licking was a hot turn on. No more dates with her after that.
43. Double Standard
I had a blind date set up by a friend and her husband. A double date. The guy was handsome and funny…at first. We met at a bar and he spent the entire evening lecturing me and throwing Bible quotes at me for having a drink. This went on for two hours. I was very ready to go home at the end of that night, let me tell you. But it wasn’t over.
Dropping me off, he got out of the car at my house and told the married couple to pick him up in the morning. Shocked, I asked him what he thought he was doing. He was like, “You’re going to let me make love to you, right?” So drinking is a sin but sleeping with someone you just met was A-OK in his bible book; he was Baptist.
I had a “fury white-out” and don’t remember if I threw him in my friend’s car or just strongly suggested he get off my land, but I made sure he got gone. I heard later that he was blown away that I thought the evening didn’t go well.
44. Forever Goth
I was set up on my first blind date by a friend who swore up and down that this guy was perfect for me. I asked her if he knew that I am basically a very geeky goth, and she said he had a thing for goth girls. We get to the restaurant and have a decent appetizer, talking about generic things like school, movies, and books and the server came by and took our orders. Then everything went haywire.
When she left, he clapped his hands together and said “Well, I guess we should get this out of the way. If we’re going to date, there are a few things you need to do:” He then gave me a laundry list of “tasks”: Lose weight, dye my hair brown, get a tan, dress in the clothes he picked out for me, remove all my piercings, remove my tattoos, don’t play video games.
I remember hearing all of what he was saying and just thinking “This is a joke. A TV host will jump out and tell me I’m on a joke show.” That never happened. People near us overheard this and began craning their necks, trying to look at me and see what was so “awful.” He ticked off all the things I needed to change and then sat back, smiled, and asked when I would be able to get started.
The server came back with our meals, and I have a lovely plate of pasta in front of me. I don’t know what got in my head, but I picked up my plate and dumped it into his lap. I left the restaurant, walked down the block, went into a convenience store, and called a different friend to pick me up, and told them the whole story. I cried a little and basically felt absolutely hideous. The person who set me up on the date was horrified, said she had no idea he’d do something so awful.
That was my first, and LAST blind date. It’s been a while since that awful day and I can proudly state that I am still as goth as I was then. And no one keeps me away from my SNES.
45. The Garbage Bag
My dad had been set up on a blind date by his friend. As he picked up his date, he noticed she was carrying a strange bag, not a purse or anything normally brought on a date, but a garbage bag with stuff in it. He kind of shrugged it off, and they got in the car and started driving. During the car ride though, he noticed what was contained within those bags and his blood ran cold.
It was two baby dolls with blood smeared on them. He asked her why she had brought two dolls, and she just nonchalantly responded, “They’re my children.” My dad instantly felt that this girl had some problems, so he stopped at a gas station and asked her to go inside to get him cigarettes. He immediately drove off, abandoning her at the station with her two bloodied dolls.
When he talked again with his friend who had set up the date, his friend said, “Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. She had two abortions in the past two years, so now she carries around those dolls and claims they’re her children. I thought it was no big deal.”
46. TGI Forget About It
Two friends and I are hanging out one day when we get a call. It’s our mutual friend. He wants us to come to dinner with him and his girlfriend. They wanted to go to TGIFridays. We politely decline and tell him that we are all poor college students and TGIFridays isn’t very good. We invite them over and offer to cook, since my buddy is actually a really good cook.
Thirty minutes later, we get called again. When I hear the voice on the end of the line, I knew instantly it was bad. It’s not our friend, it’s his girlfriend. She wants to know why we aren’t coming to TGIFridays. We reply that it is expensive and that we’d much rather cook for her and her friends. Yep, we learned earlier that she was actually trying to set us up with three of her friends.
“But it will be better! You’ll enjoy yourself!” “I’m sorry, but we can’t really justify spending that much! We have food here, we’d love to meet your friends, but we don’t want to go to TGIFridays.” “Oh, come on,” (patronizing tone of course), “if it’s that big a deal, I’ll pay for you.” “That’s not necessary. There are three of us.”
She continued to whine and patronize us and finally put her whipped boyfriend (our mutual friend) back on the phone. He whines to us some more. We reluctantly agree to go as long as she lets him come out with us on Friday night. Fast forward a few hours, we get to TGIFridays. We meet our friend and his girlfriend and three girls from her church group.
We tried to be civil, but they were just so boring, very Christian, and incredibly snobby. We had no desire to be there. Honestly, they obviously had no desire to be there. So, we broke out the emergency alcohol stash. All five flasks of it. America’s Funniest Home Videos was on the television. So much funnier when in that state of mind.
Eventually, they kicked us out. There was no second date.
47. Magic Man
I met him on OkCupid after a serious breakup, and we talked for like two weeks. Seemed completely normal. He was a cello player and pretty smart from what I could tell. We decided to meet at a Starbucks and the conversation was good until he started doing an impression of the Joker. I’m already freaked out at this point and ready to leave.
Then he asked me why I hadn’t drank my coffee yet, and I said it was still hot. That’s when he told me that he was getting into the elements, and slowly has developed the ability to control fire. He apologized about the coffee, because he was in control of the heat and fire around us. I was intrigued at how ridiculous this was and let him continue.
He told me that he first learned of this when he was in his car and the car windows steamed up. I was trying so hard not to laugh. I politely said well this was fun, but I need to get to work.
48. A Rollercoaster Of Emotions
A few years back, I was just getting out of a long relationship. My boss’s sister decided to set me up with one of her co-workers. Let’s call her Susan. So she gives me Susan’s number, and I decided to give her a ring. She sounds all right on the phone and is very open and flirtatious. I ask her if she wants to go and get some coffee, to which she says yes.
We agree to meet at her parents’ house in a couple of days and then head out to get coffee from there. In the two days between making our plans and the actual date, she starts sending me affectionate text messages that always address me as, “sweetie” or “honey.” I figure that if anything, she is just a really affectionate person and try not to read too far into it. Eventually, the time of our meeting arrives and I go to pick her up.
She is a knock out! Blonde with a full tan, and nice figure. I am kind of a schlub, and so I can’t believe my luck. As we are getting ready to go, she says that she would rather take her car since it would make her feel more comfortable. Being a good guy, I can see her reasoning and acquiesce. This would later come back to haunt me.
So we start driving when she informs me, “I’m not really in the mood for coffee. Let’s get some drinks!” Now, I am not a drinker. However, at this point, I am going along for the ride and agree. 15 minutes later finds us in a brewery sports bar. I decide to stick to soda, while Susan decides to take things slow by ordering straight shots to get things started.
Pretty soon, though, we are hitting it off really well. I tell her about growing up with an illness, and she relates how she got over ovarian cancer. We find out that we share some common interests in movie tastes and hobbies. Things are going fine until she has her third drink… “Oh, GOD!” she hisses while ducking down. “What?” I ask, confused.
“You see that guy over there? In the booth with that girl in the blue dress?” I see the one she means. “Well,” she continues, “I sorta used to sleep with him.” I am taken aback by her blunt honesty. She then goes on to explain how she lets people use her as a means to cover for insecurities. Next thing you know, she is opening up to me like I am Oprah.
All about how she likes to cut herself and how she has attempted to take her own life in the past. Then she is reaching across the bar to take my hands. She looks in my eyes and says, “You know, I feel a real connection to you…” Then her phone goes off. She checks it and informs me that it is a text from her ex-boyfriend. He is in the Marines and is shipping out the next day.
Apparently, he is coming over to meet up with us so she can say goodbye. By this time, I have realized that I don’t want to be anywhere near here. I also realize that we took her car, and she is now many drinks in. And to make it even worse, we are in a neighborhood that I have little knowledge off… I’m trapped. Pretty soon, the ex-boyfriend shows up.
Big beefcake guy in his uniform. She starts to flirt heavily with him and ignore me. She is on her sixth or seventh drink. It soon becomes known that the ex-boyfriend is also in the business of recruitment. “You ever think of signing up?” he asks me as he takes in my nerdy frame. “Nope,” I answer, “I’ve got medical dispensation.” “Oh yeah?” he asks, “What’ve you got?”
Susan starts to answer for me, “Oooh, he’s got cystic fib…” I cut her off, “I’m allergic to bullets.” He doesn’t look impressed. Soon Susan and Beefy Marine go outside and leave me to watch the table. I just want to get out of there. At this point, I should mention that Susan’s day job is as a behavioral therapist for autistic kids.
My boss’s sister is her supervisor, and I happen to know that Susan is expected to be at work at 6 AM. I know this because Susan told me. By this time it is creeping past 12. After they come back, I decide it is time to try and get this girl’s keys from her and get back to my car. But not before she can introduce me to three more exes, and one guy who she practically starts making out with in front of me.
I ask her for her keys, and say that it is time to go. “No! No one drives my car but me.” Dear God. I weigh my options, and for some reason decide that “it can’t be more than five or six blocks back to her place, she might be fine to drive that far, and if all else fails I’ll tuck and roll out of the moving car…” I get her to her car and we start heading back.
Suddenly, she looks up in her rearview mirror and screams, “COPS!” before randomly swerving down a side street. She starts zigging and zagging at high speed through residential neighborhoods. I look behind us only to see…no car. Finally, she decides that “Oh, we lost them” and heads back to her place for real this time.
Now, you think the story would end here…But there is more crazy to come. As I am trying to make my getaway, she asks me to drive her back to the bar. “If you don’t, I will drive back, and, since I’m not sober at all, I’ll probably get in a crash and die.” She tells me. Fine. Screw it. Whatever. I tell her I will give her a ride.
Before we can get in my car, however, she informs me that she has to pee. I figure that she will go in the house…I figured wrong. This chick hikes up her skirt, pulls her thong aside, squats down, and proceeds to pee on the sidewalk right in front of me. I immediately spin around and avert my eyes and mumble an apology.
“It’s ok.” she says, “you can watch. I don’t mind. In fact I kind of like it.” I decline her offer. Finally, I get her in the car and start heading back to the bar. On the way back, she grabs my hand and slams it into her crotch. She starts telling me how she feels a real connection to me, “I don’t want to say ‘soulmates,’ but have you ever seen the movie, The Notebook?”
I tell her I haven’t, “Oh, well It’s kind of like that.” The whole time as she is saying this, and my hand is in her crotch, all I can think is, EEEEWWW, she drip-dried! Then she says what is maybe the icing on the cake, “The last time I felt this way about someone and they didn’t feel the same way…” she lets out a little laugh, “I tried to kill myself.”
That’s it. Get her out of my car! I pull into the parking lot. I pull up to the curb and try to get her out as fast and politely as possible. “Can I kiss you?’ she asks. “No. I would be a little uncomfortable with that.” I tell her. “Well, what about just one on the cheek?” she pleads. I figure, fine, anything to get her out of the car. I lean over and present my cheek…
Only to have her grab my head, and then like the face-hugger from Alien, jam her tongue down my throat. I start to flail around. She finally releases her grip and exits my car. Before she goes, she leans down and says, “I really messed things up tonight. didn’t I? You’ll probably never call me again.” “No.” I lie. I then get the heck out of there.
The next morning at work, I relay this crazy story to my boss, when suddenly I get a call from his sister. Susan didn’t show up for work that morning. She isn’t answering her phone. Her parents say that she didn’t come home either, and everyone wants to know what I did with Susan. Great. Crazy chick goes missing, I was the last person to see her. I’m going behind bars.
Eventually, she turns up claiming that her phone was out of batteries and that she had spent the whole night at the hospital with her grandfather who had a heart attack. I of course know all of this is lies. But whatever, I don’t have to deal with her anymore. She’s out of my life. Or so I thought…That’s when the voicemails began.
Tearful, jarring sobs of, “I sob just sob wanted to say sob ‘hi’ to you…” and, “Hey love, why aren’t you answering my calls?” and my favorite, “What did I do?” Eventually a month later or so, she got the hint and left me alone.
49. Sore Loser
I was in my late 20s teaching SAT test prep and this guy asked me what my SAT score was. It turned out I beat him, and he spent the ENTIRE rest of our dinner trying to trump me at some scholastic endeavor from high school or college. Did I take AP courses? Yes. Did I take Calculus? Yes. Who went to the better college? Me.
Aaah, but he took some programming courses and those are really hard, you know. Dude, I’ve taken programming courses, too. It went on and on and on. The jerk would not let it go. You know, normally as a woman I tend to play down my accomplishments because bragging is bad manners, but that night I was in his face rude about being brilliant. Then he wondered why I didn’t want to go back to his house afterward…
50. Simply Irresistible
First date: Drove around the countryside, explored an abandoned building, went to the beach, had a great time overall. Second date: Arrive at a college jazz show, she is sitting with another dude, holding hands. I sit in the back of the room, bewildered, while she turns around every few minutes, just grinning at me unabashedly.
Third date: Drive around town, goof off in random stores, spontaneous makeout session at a stoplight, cause a minor traffic jam. Fourth date: Arrive to pick her up for the date, and she is chatting up another guy. Car drives up, she gets in and leaves, leaving me with some random dude who ends up crying. He turns out to be suicidal, cries on my shoulder for several hours, we get burgers and talk about life, and have a strangely decent evening in the process.
Fifth date: Screw that. I stayed home.
51. Take A Hint
A couple of years ago, I met a guy and sort of pity-dated him for a couple of weeks. He started off seeming like a decent enough fellow, but there really wasn’t any spark at all, at least not on my side. Being naïve and rather inept on the romantic front, I did what amounted to unwittingly stringing him along by deigning to go out with him for coffee and dinner now and then.
It was still quite clear that nothing else was going to happen any time soon, barring some freak accident in an aphrodisiac factory. One day, I was hanging out with him, my best friend and his boyfriend, and a lesbian friend of mine who was visiting all the way from Austria. Pity-Date and I were in the minority as heterosexuals.
Lo and behold, he started making blatant homosexual insults under his breath, within clear earshot of my three gay friends. I took him aside and gave him what-for; I don’t tolerate that kind of stuff from anyone in any company, let alone from my date in the company of my good friends. He assured me that he had every right to say this stuff because his mother is, in his words, “a bulldyke.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and told him to just shut it for the time being and I’d give him a full piece of my mind at a more opportune time. I gave it about a week or so before deciding to sit him down, tell him what I thought of his inexcusable behavior, and break it off with him once and for all. Unfortunately, this last rendezvous coincided with my 22nd birthday.
He met me in a coffee shop, and before I could get a word out, he wished me a happy birthday and said he couldn’t wait to give me his present. This ratcheted up the awkward factor exponentially, and I almost felt bad for him for a second. Almost. For a second. I declined and said that I didn’t feel comfortable accepting a gift. His response made my blood boil.
“Oh, don’t worry. I didn’t spend any money or anything, I was just going to take you back to your apartment and sleep with you.” I just looked at him all slack-jawed, unable to adequately process the overwhelming gall he had just exhibited. So I told him no, never mind, this was never, ever going to work. I’d had enough and wanted nothing more to do with him.
I refrained even from telling him off about his behavior since it was a moot point by now. I operated under the impression that I would be seeing and hearing no more of him ever, but a couple of days after my birthday, he called me up. I answered more out of morbid curiosity than anything else, and I’m so, so glad I did.
He called to tell me that he’d hooked up with a male co-worker in the janitor’s closet of the hospital where he worked, and that my refusal to put out for him was what drove him to do it. Suddenly the phobia made so much more sense; a textbook case of “the lady doth protest too much.” Before hanging up, he had one final request.
His words verbatim: “Since we aren’t seeing each other anymore, I guess we’ll have to find other people. So can I borrow your digital camera? I want to take a picture of my cat and send it to this girl I’ve got my eye on.” This series of unfortunate events had been relegated to bemused memory until this past New Years, when I received an unexpected e-mail from him.
In it, he expounded upon all of his theories of why I never wanted to sleep with him. 1) I’m actually gay and don’t know it, 2) I have a secret substance misuse problem, and 3) I have a long history of maltreatment going all the way back to my early childhood. Wrong on all three counts, bro. Did I respond to this four-year-belated e-mail? No, Sir!!
Methinks I dodged not a mere bullet, but some heavy artillery with that one.
52. An Eerie Transformation
When I was trying to date this girl, I found out about her deepest secret the hard way. We had just finished watching a movie in her dorm room when she started freaking out as she looked in the mirror. I asked her what was wrong, to which she replied “She doesn’t want you here,” and immediately kicked me out of the room.
As I was standing outside in a dumbfounded manner, I decided to text her because I wanted to know what the heck just happened. As I was walking back to my place, she texted back gibberish and stuff about her hurting her. I didn’t understand, and I immediately walked back to her dorm. She texted me to go away. I told her no and that I was waiting for her to come let me in so I could help her.
She came down and let me in. She ran back to her room and I followed. The room was extremely dark and I could barely see anything when I closed the door behind me. There she was on the floor, staring at a door mirror. She slowly turned her head at me and stared at me. It was like that for a good minute. After officially being creeped out, I asked her what was wrong.
She snapped out of it for a second. It was physically visible in her face that something changed. She told me that she was having trouble with her “other self.” It took a couple of minutes, but she eventually “changed.” She went limp and slumped over. I rushed to her but didn’t know what to do. She woke back up but definitely not herself.
It took hours for her to stop “changing.” I didn’t know how to handle her, but I eventually got her to get help after that.
53. The Devil Is A Gamer
Small background on my life at the time: I had just opened up a LAN Center, I had been working every day for the last four months to prepare for the opening. So, my friend set me up with a friend of his wife. I picked her up and took her out to this nice restaurant in town. Trying to decompress from a full four months of work was a little bit difficult, but I managed to not talk about work at all.
We picked up on interests and things we like to do outside of work. Since my work at the time was games, I didn’t really bring up that I played games and ran a LAN center. Somehow the conversation turned into major dislikes and turnoffs and she brought up how much she hated gaming. She went on a five-minute rant on how games are the devil and those who sell them and enable children to play them are the problem with society.
Computer games are going to be the downfall of society as we know it and she won’t have anything to do with them. I quietly sat there listening with a dumb grin on my face which she interpreted as agreeing with her. She finishes talking and then goes, “So what do you do for a living?” I sat there for a second thinking how to respond—but then I finally came up with the perfect answer: “I’m the devil and I corrupt kids’ souls.”
She freaked out and hurried out of the restaurant. I don’t think she got the joke…
54. Video Games Are Expensive, Babe
Once went on a date with a guy from work (bad idea) who took me to Dave and Buster’s. During the meal, he said all of the following: “I have a short attention span and can’t date a single girl for over three months.” “I want to become a professional video game player.” “I want to train to be a professional eater.” “I don’t want to work a day in my life. I just want to play paintball.”
He was 23 years old, and I was 20. Even I knew this was childish nonsense. Later on, at the movie, he asked if I would pay for our tickets because he ran out of money on our $25 dinner at the arcade.
55. Too Much Information
I dated a girl for a couple of weeks, went back to her place, and we started opening up to each other for the first time. That’s when she made a dark confession. The conversation was something like this. She got into talking about her family, then about her bipolar mother, and how she was probably bipolar because of it. But that wasn’t what did me in.
She then starts talking about how she has no luck with men because she gets overly emotional, then cried about it while I tried to console her, then accused me of being like every guy and going to leave her. Suddenly, this turned into her yelling at me, tears streaming down her face, telling me to get the heck out because I’m a jerk.
This whole transformation took about 15-20 minutes, tops.
She also messaged me a week later asking when/where we should go on another date. I’m usually a sucker for helping people in need, but that is one case I am just not qualified to deal with.
56. Full Disclosure
I got set up with the daughter of one of my parents’ friends. I wasn’t really looking forward to it, but I was on break from college, and she apparently went to school not far from me, so it wasn’t like a lost-cause summer romance type thing. They showed me pictures and said nice things about her. I got convinced, just a little.
I picked her up from her parents’ place and was a little surprised by how pretty she was; the pictures had been from when she was in high school, and didn’t do her justice. The date was dinner and a movie. Dinner went really well; we had a lot in common. She was very grounded and down-to-earth, cared about the environment. If I have a type, she was it.
So as we’re walking to the movie theater, I slipped my arm around her waist. She pushed me away and got all serious. “I’m really sorry, because you seem like a nice guy, but…I’m a lesbian. I just went out with you to make my parents happy.” Sitting through The Chronicles of Narnia with her was the most awkward two hours of my life.
57. So Much Nope
I went on a blind date two years ago with a guy one of my good friends set me up with. He just started university at USC and was majoring in political science. I thought he sounded pretty smart from what my friend told me and agreed. We met at Laguna Beach and had dinner at The Greeter’s Restaurant, which is this cute little place that doesn’t have the best decor, but has good food with large portions.
It was fine at first because he was cute and we had some things in common like music and traveling. It wasn’t until he started mentioning that he did not support gay marriage and abortions and IVF babies. I’m an IVF baby, and it’s a sore subject because my mom tried so hard to have a baby with my dad and it wasn’t until she tried IVF that she had me.
Stupidly, I asked him what he had against IVF babies. He immediately spews on and on that IVF babies are nothing more than objects of status to their parents, that it violates the rights of the child, depriving them of their true relationship with their parents, and can hinder the maturing of personality, all this really horrible stuff.
By this point, I was done with the date and just nodded along to whatever he said. After he paid the check, he drove me home and walked me to the front door. I unlocked it and then turned around to say good night when he leaned in with his tongue already out. I didn’t know what to do so I tilted my head so he would hit my cheek.
Worst feeling ever of a tongue licking your face. When I went inside, he looked at me, shocked, and asked if I was going to invite him in. When I told him no, he got ticked and said that, “I paid for your freaking dinner!” By then, I just wanted to drink a bottle of red by myself, so I took $10 out of my wallet, threw it in his face, and closed the door.
58. Long-Distance Lover
I made a Plenty of Fish account, and talked to this guy for a few weeks through texting, but eventually stopped. A couple of months later, I’m out at a bar with another guy, but Mr. Plentyoffish walks in. He introduces himself, then sulks the rest of the night watching me from the other side of the bar. When I leave, I check my phone—and saw messages I wish I could unsee.
He left me a bunch of angry texts just laying into me and insulting me. I’ve never met him before that night, but he seemed to think there was a real connection and proceeded to tell me I’m a witch for not giving him a chance. We argued a bit until he apologized the second and last time I saw him. He basically ruined any chance he ever had with me.
59. Just A Couple Drinks
Met a girl from the internet. Went to a local bar where she was having happy hour with her coworkers. When I showed up, I realized that she must have started competition eating between the time the pictures were taken and the time I met her. A little awkward, but I didn’t really care too much, and her one coworker was hot so I was down to chill.
We sit down and my “date” starts slamming drinks. Within 45 minutes she has become the loudest and most belligerent person in the bar. Everyone is looking at us. After a bit, I politely excuse myself and say that I’m going to head home. She starts yelling at me, calling me a wimp, etc…I’m like, “what is happening,” and just walk out the front door.
She follows me, yelling…it was quite awesome. Then she sends me texts later telling me she went home with one of the guys at the bar and that I don’t know what I’m missing. It was awesome! I laid off the OkCupid for a while after that.
60. I Think It Went Bad
I was waiting tables and a former co-worker came in with her boyfriend. After catching up with her, she suggested I come out with her, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend’s brother, because they agreed I was his type. I was 21 and he and they all were mid to late 20s. I had never gone on a blind date, but I like older guys so I met them all at a dive bar.
I was getting along swimmingly with my date and even discovered that we had both lived in the same two northern cities before moving to the same southern city. Then they started ordering shots. I thought I was a somewhat heavy drinker, so I figured I could wow them with my amazing ability to keep up with their Patron shots. I was so, so wrong.
Later, I vaguely recall violently vomiting in the bathroom with the other girl, while she looked in the mirror and talked about herself, every so often saying I’d be all right. The next morning, I woke up on their couch with a serious hangover. I was humiliated so I bolted and took off in my car (my date had driven me back to their place, which was near the bar, in my car, and set me up on the couch, so that was pretty gentlemanly).
I drove in circles for about 40 minutes before I found my way out of the neighborhood and went home. Despite my terrible first impression, I guess I hooked him pre-vomit, because he still called me the next day to make sure I was okay and ask me out again.
61. Teenage Heartthrob
I was set up by a friend when I was 16. He took me to the movies (at the mall) and awkwardly tried to make out. Then we sat in the food court and he asked my honest opinion of him, to which I mumbled something typical like “you seem nice.” Without invitation, he then delved into what he thought of me, which was attractive but could be really hot if I lost 5-10lbs.
Then he left me for a bit, which was weird, and returned with a lovely gift…a creepy puppet.
62. Getting Unlucky
Well, it wasn’t really a “blind” date, as I had seen photos, but on my first date with someone I met online, I reached into my pocket to pay for dinner and a strip of condoms fell out of my pocket. It landed right there on the floor between us. And it wasn’t like it fell out of my wallet…it was obvious that I had hastily shoved the brand new condoms in my pocket right before the date.
It was very clearly as if I was expecting to get it on that date. I was pretty embarrassed, and for the rest of the night felt like a jerk. I figured the cause was lost. We ended up going out for like a year, though, and it was funny in retrospect. Not at the time, though.
I was set up on a blind date with my roommate’s girlfriend’s roommate. It was actually a double-date, and we walked from their place to a Mexican restaurant nearby. On the way there, we saw my date’s ex drive by; they’d broken up fairly recently after a long relationship. She, apparently, was assured that we were all just going to dinner as friends and that this most definitely was not a date, so she vented about her ex several times over the course of the meal.
It wasn’t until I paid for her meal that she realized that it was, in fact, a date. I, of course, thought that she was a crazy girl, and I had just been burned by another crazy girl, so I was wasn’t going to make that mistake again. That was eight-and-a-half years ago. Right now, our three-year-old daughter is playing with her toy trains in our living room.
64. Two Thumbs Down
I was about 21. This girl in college, who otherwise was a pretty and smart girl, showed up with her little brother, who was about 17, with a peach fuzz ‘stache. He had on a tank top and looked like a little thug. We were going out to the movies and he tagged along. He sat between us. I thought I was being set up by those candid camera shows.
To make matters worse, we had gone to see The Flintstones. HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE ALL AROUND.
65. Exploring Her Options
Not my story, but a friend of mine used to have a weekly get-together at his apartment on Friday. One Friday, there was this curvy goth girl who my friend had met online. He had apparently been exchanging messages with her and had invited her to the party to get to know her better. However, whenever my friend turned his back, this girl would rub up against whatever guy was closest to her.
Later in the night, after I had left, she ended up making out with two of the partygoers.
66. What’s The Number For Godzilla?
Back in the late ’80s—before the internet—there were chat lines. 976-xxxx numbers that you could call and pay to chat with all sorts of people. A good friend of mine, we’ll call him Ed, was big into these lines but didn’t have a car. One night he asked me if I’d drive him down to South Philly to meet this girl her talked to on the phone.
She’d bring a friend with her and it’d be a double date. After some hemming and hawing, curiosity won out and off we went. If I’d known what I was in for, I’d have turned and ran. His instructions were to park on the corner, get out, and call her on the payphone. Standard “pre-scoping-out” tactics. While he’s on the phone some 12-year-old kid comes up, talks to him, and rides away on his bike.
Ed gets back in the car and I ask what that was about. He said the kid said, “Are you the one here to meet Sally?” When Ed said yeah, the kid laughed and said we’d better leave; she’s a beast. While we’re debating whether this kid was being a saint, or maybe a friend of an ex-boyfriend, two visions of south Philly hotness come strolling up to the car.
One introduced herself as Sally’s sister and told us they’d be right out. As they stroll away in their 80s tight jean hotness we’re thinking, “Jackpot!” If that’s the younger sister, how bad can she and her friend be? As we’re high fiving ourselves, though, we feel the car begin to shake as if Godzilla was coming down Tasker Ave.
As we turn and gaze out the window it was Godzilla AND her uglier friend. OMG!!!! They came up to the window and started to ask where we were going out. At this point I just deferred to Ed and let him handle it. They walked away saying they’d be right back as they wanted to tell their moms they were going out.As we sat there in stunned silence, I started to ask what we do.
Ed said it’s up to me as it’s my car and all. It took about 1/100th of a second to make up my mind and I popped the clutch. We chirped tires up and out of there watching the kid on his bike laugh his butt off. We decided to smoke and go shoot some pool and got back to Ed’s apartment around midnight. One of his roommates was outside and laughing asked what we did that night.
“Oh, nothing much—hung out, shot pool, the usual.” And then his roommate springs out, “So… know anyone named Sally?” Uh-oh…Apparently she called in a fit of rage and mistook Ed’s roommate for him. The roommate freely admitted that when she screamed “Is this Ed?!?!?” that he said yes because it sounded like it’d be something funny.
As a side note, the second time Ed asked me to take him to someone he met on these chat lines, she turned out to be a hottie. They lived together for several years before parting ways.
67. Pics First
Back in high school a buddy of mine decided to try to set me up with one of his many chick friends who didn’t have a date to homecoming. Now, this guy has slightly different tastes in women than me, but I decided to go for it. I knew nothing of the girl I was going with until I met her the night of. She was unattractive physically and had a terrible personality.
Of course we went out got dinner and went to the dance and stuff, but that night was terrible from my perspective. Me and him now have a mutual agreement that if one of us is setting up the other, at least a picture, and some basic description of personality.
68. Do The Louis
I met a couple through a mutual friend and we hung out for a bit one night, had a decent time. I spent a couple days afterward texting back and forth with the wife of the couple, thinking hey, new friend. She eventually starts talking up this friend of hers, Gary, and it is clear she wants to set us up on a date. Okay, I think, I’m newly single again after five years of a bad relationship, we’ll see how this goes.
She describes him as “football player build”—not being a sports person, does not occur to me I should have asked her to clarify (would he be a quarterback or lineman, for instance). Anyhow, I meet Gary for coffee downtown. Suffice it to say, he is a substantial man. But I think hey, I’m not perfect either, I’ll give him a shot. We have an okay time over coffee, talking about regular random small talk topics.
He walks me back to my place, but the night is still young and he suggests hanging out and watching some Futurama. So, I invite him up. As soon as we are sitting down, he starts talking about his ex and all the drama she brought into his life, and it slowly comes to light that they may not be actually broken up, he is just “seeing what else is out there.”
Hm. At this point I’m more than over the date and am ready for him to get out of my apartment—so I go to the restroom and plan on feigning illness upon my return. Little did I realize, this night was about to take a horrifying turn: I return from the bathroom only to find him on my couch, touching himself furiously.
I freak out, ask him what he is doing, and he says, “What does it look like?” and makes a motion for me to come join him. I was kind of at a loss at this point, and I think all I did was say something about how he needs to leave. He removes his hand from inside his pants (did I mention he was wearing sweat pants? ick), shrugs, and exits. I never heard from him OR the woman who introduced me to him again.
69. Shaken Or Crushed?
Drove a total of six hours to meet a guy I was talking to online who seemed nice. We saw a movie together which was largely uneventful, and we got back to his car and he starts telling me to crush his junk.
70. The Evil Twin
So, this guy brings up this girl he knows through work named Andrea. He claims that this girl can whoop my butt at any game. He makes a few calls on his landline and gets hold of her and we set up a LAN party tomorrow (Saturday) with a few people. I swing by her place dragging my Apple desktop machine with StarCraft, Quake, and a few other titles.
I have a nasty habit of arriving too early for events. I was about to knock on the door when this girl opens the door quickly as if she was in a rush to get out of the house. Our eyes connect, I introduce myself, “Oh hey, you must be Andrea.” We start to talk for a bit as we walk back to my car to get my computer. She sounds a bit excitable, and walks quickly to the car.
As I walk to the back of the car to get my gear, she gets into the passenger seat. I’m a bit confused why she is getting into the car, and I say, “What’s up?” She buckles her seatbelt as she looks at me and says, “I’m freaking starving, let’s get outta this place.” I said, “What about everyone else, they should be here soon.” She explained it was nothing to worry about, the door was unlocked and her sister was there.
I nod and ask what she wanted to eat; she points me to a Chinese place a few blocks away. It was a nice sit-down restaurant and I was a bit confused if this was supposed to be a blind date or just a chance to hang out. But she is pretty cute and I like Chinese, so I’m not going to say anything. I toss my jacket on the back of the chair and we put our order in.
Something does not seem right about her, she seems really jumpy, perhaps she is nervous because this thing turned into a date. Or so I think. Right after we put our order for appetizers in, my phone rings. I look at the number and it’s the guy I was talking to yesterday at the party. I excuse myself from the table and say I have to hit the bathroom to wash my hands.
I return his call, he asks me where I am. I explained that I was out to dinner with Andrea at the Chinese place a few blocks away, and we should be back in a bit. He says, “Take your time, we are coming over now.” I’m a bit disappointed, I’ve been out of the dating game for a while and I tell him, “Do you mind if we have dinner together? She seems pretty nice, it’s kinda turned into a date thing and…”
My friend cut me off and says, “Don’t’ freaking leave the restaurant, we’ll be over in two minutes,” and hung up on me. This is when things got insane. I’m going back and forth between furious and confused. As I walk back to the table I see the fried springs rolls have arrived…but Andrea is gone, and so is her purse, and my jacket with my wallet in it.
I’m asking the waiters where she is, and I walk outside where it’s about 10°F to see my car has been taken. I frantically call 9-1-1. On the second ring, three squad cars pull up into the parking lot with lights and sirens. They pull in and see me shivering. They ask if I’m the guy. I’m still lost as to how they knew my name. They ask where Andrea is, I tell them I don’t know.
I think she just took my parents’ minivan loaded with my computer gear. As I’m telling them the make and model, my friend pulls up with this chick. He introduces me. It’s Andrea. Andrea informs me that I have already met her twin sister, Adriana. Both her and the boys in blue fill me in. Andrea played a prank on Adriana by swapping their mother’s recently used (positive) pregnancy test with Adriana’s (negative) test.
So, Adriana torched her sister’s car and decided to run away. Good timing on my behalf, getting there early to help her getaway. So, I head back to Adriana’s while the authorities go looking for the car. We hang out and play Super Puzzle Fighter and I get my butt handed to me. After about two hours the authorities call us to say the car has been found and Adriana is currently under detainment.
They want to know if I want to press charges. There is no damage to the car and she barely used any fuel, and I did not want my folks to know about it. Adriana’s father was a judge and they were quite lenient on her. I kept my distance from that family after that.
71. All She Does Is Whine
I met a girl online and we talked maybe three times over the course of a couple of weeks. Then one night out of the blue she texts and asks if she should come over with a bottle of wine…I say sure, since she seemed pretty cool. She turns up half an hour later with an open bottle she has half emptied already. She finishes that off within 10 minutes and I open another bottle, which is gone in another half an hour.
She passes out in my bed, waking up occasionally, trying to kiss me. She then pees in my bed and doesn’t wake up for three hours. I played PlayStation.
72. No Match
When I was very young, probably around 12 or 13, an older friend of mine asked me if I wanted to go to a shop with him. I said I didn’t have any problems with it and happily went along. On the way there he said he was meeting up with a girl and asked if I’d mind talking to her sister. Her sister was severely handicapped and in a wheelchair.
Of course, I didn’t find this out until I met her. The girl then decided she didn’t like me and proceeded to insult me.
73. Pulling A Possum
So, I was going to school in New Jersey. The school that I was attending had about a 15:1 guy to girl ratio, so you can imagine how much fun THOSE parties were. So, getting pretty desperate for female attention, I turned my eyes to a couple of online dating sites. After a few weeks, I set my sights on one girl who I had talked to a few times. We decide to get together after quite a bit of flirting.
I should mention at this point that I was aware from the beginning that she had three (!) kids. I took caution to this, but figured since I wasn’t long for New Jersey, to just take this as a sign that she was romantically active. I should also mention that the town I was living in was a trash hole that didn’t house a single attractive, or even moderately attractive woman within a 30-mile radius.
So, I drive about 30 minutes to this bar in her home town the next Friday to meet her. I run into her almost immediately. I assess the situation. She’s got a cute face and a nice rack. She has a few extra pounds on her, but not to any point where I would call her fat. We have quite a few drinks while chilling, playing shuffleboard, talking to her ex-lesbian lover (another story maybe). We decide to leave the bar a few hours later.
She suggests going back to the apartment, which I assume is hers (more to come on that). Before we do though, she grabs a 12 pack of Michelob Ultra (blah) from the bar’s cooler and tells me to walk, like this a normal thing in this trash hole that is Bloomington, New Jersey. We get to THE apartment and start drinking the pack.
Conversation winds down pretty quick, so I just throw it out there, “Wanna do it?” Not the classiest moment of my life, but it worked so I’m not embarrassed about it. She takes me by the hand and we go to the bedroom. She takes off her pants, I take off mine, and we start going at it. A few minutes in, we hear the front door open—and this is where the night took a strange turn.
Immediately, she tells me to stop and pretend I’m sleeping. I’m all, “What?” The door to the room opens, and the light turns on. All I can hear is, “OH WHAT?!” I peek over my shoulder and see a girl and a very large guy standing in the doorway looking shocked. The guy is freaking out, and the girl is trying to calm him down, telling him it’s okay.
I’m dead, I know it. This is how my life is going to end. The only thing that saves me is when he takes the girl and throws her to the ground. This ticks her off more than I have ever seen another person get, and he immediately starts apologizing to her as they leave the room. I jump out of bed, throw my pants back on, and sprint out the door.
I later find out that it was her sister’s place/room, and she was living with her boyfriend. A boyfriend who very well could play linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys. Scariest moment of my life, and worst blind date experience.
74. Kissing In 3D
This super smooth guy said to me, within the first hour, “I’m sorry, I just really want to make out with you right now.” Later, after I obviously was all, “Um, I’d like to get to know you better first,” he took me to a 3D Imax movie about bugs. (Back when 3D was reserved for science!) The movie was cool, but then he leaned over to me with those glasses on…he was trying to kiss me with those glasses on…
75. Well, That Stinks
I was chatting with this girl online and she was fairly good-looking. She was a cute, petite, and blonde. She was maybe 23, and I was probably 24 or so. She even sent me some sensual pics, and seemed like she was up for whatever. When we met, she looked just like her picture. I was happy to meet her…but there were some big red flags.
She started saying girlfriend-y stuff right away. She mentioned Valentine’s day, as if we were absolutely necessarily going to spend it together. By the way, she was a Ph.D. candidate in biology at a prestigious university. Anyway, she seemed to be a little bit promiscuous, mentioning that she did it with a lot of her lab partners. That was all fine with me. What wasn’t fine was her breath.
She had acute halitosis. We went back to her place where she started playing with handcuffs and such. However, I couldn’t get over her breath. She was in just her panties, and I was probably half-undressed myself, and I started to realize that nothing was going to happen with me. I had to make a choice about telling her that I had a bad case of nerves, or that her breath was unbearable.
I gave her a line about not being over my ex, and that it just didn’t feel right yet. She was offended, started to cry, and kicked me out.
76. Dinner And A Show
Drove 40 minutes for a date with a woman who didn’t have a car, but she seemed really nice. Everything was going well for the first 10 minutes, then her ex showed up at the bar and joined us. They fought in front of me for 40 minutes, and I was just really hungry and enjoying the show with my dinner. Turns out she cheated on him, and I spent the rest of the date talking to him. Super nice dude.
77. Sacrifice Of The Night
I met this girl who was an aspiring model. I was really excited about meeting her. On our first date, she invited me over for dinner and a movie. When we sat down to watch the movie she stopped and told me she could see the colors of my aura. Now, I have known her for all of 45 minutes and she says that her aura matches with my aura and we will be getting married.
I’m 24 years old and freaking out. But being 24 and she being really hot, I stayed. Later, she invites me to see her room and I notice this table with all these candles and strange things on it. I ask her about it, and she tells me she is a witch who can cast spells. Then she started talking really strange about how she is a virgin and she wants to make sacrifices.
Very strange. When she left the room I went out the back door and jumped her fence and got to my car and drove as fast as I could. Thank God the date wasn’t at my house.
78. Red Flags Galore
College years. Set up on a date with a nice girl who was totally in love with her next-door neighbor and wanted to be a Catholic priest. One and done.
79. Ex Marks The End
I’ve only been on one real blind date. I met someone online and we began chatting every few days, just kind of getting to know each other, or so I thought. She said she had just moved to the area, was staying with an old family friend but didn’t really know many people, so I suggested we go out to this little hookah bar that was about halfway between our respective places.
8:00 pm rolls around and I pull up in front of her place, a townhouse in a nice neighborhood that happened to be a few blocks from where an old friend used to live. She was already waiting outside, which struck me as odd, but I figured maybe she felt like a smoke before leaving. She looked exactly like she did in her pictures—about 5′ 8″, maybe 120 lbs., long (dyed) blond hair, a few facial piercings. Not exactly my type, but not bad to look at either.
I get out, introduce myself and open the door for her, and we’re off. Turns out we have similar taste in music, so the ride over to the bar was pleasant enough. I hadn’t been there in years, and was unaware they had hired a DJ to spin on Friday nights. You could barely hear a thing inside, so we chose to sit out on the tiny patio.
We ordered drinks, she chose a shisha flavor, and we continued chatting. This, my friends, is where things begin to go downhill. She asked about my profession (reporter), so naturally I asked about hers, to which she replied, “I’ve had the same job for about three years. Taking care of my kids.” Children. This was an interesting development in that she had never mentioned being a mother in our previous conversations.
Nor did her figure seem to indicate that she was a mother of two, spaced just two years apart. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind kids, but at the same time, I’m not looking to get involved in a relationship with someone who already has children. Just a little young for that. Having broached that particular subject, she begins to tell me, at length, about the father.
Abusive, never around, with a substance problem she apparently shared. Things continue to spiral south, and I quickly realize that this particular individual is likely suffering from some serious mental and relationship issues. We finish our drinks and head back to my car, when she drops a line that sends me running for the hills.
“I’m not gonna sleep with you tonight, but I’ll probably screw you sometime soon.” I’m now officially ready to put an end to this travesty of a date, but having never had any experience with blind dates was not entirely sure how to go about wrapping things up. It’s still fairly early, maybe 10:00 pm or so, and she is making it clear she would like to continue the evening.
I’m racking my brain trying to figure something out, when it hits me: The Twins. The Twins were an interesting pair, either the cheeriest individuals you could ever hope to meet or at each other’s throats, depending on when you happened to run into them. They liked to party and had a small house across town that I frequented.
I hadn’t been to their place in a bit, so I gave them a ring and asked if I could bring someone over. Thankfully they were in an amicable mood and invited us both over. Now, I mentioned I hadn’t been to The Twins place in some time, so I was unaware of the fact that they had acquired a new roommate who was sleeping in the unfinished basement.
We arrive, and one of The Twins suggests giving her the grand tour. Eventually, we make our way to the basement, when lo and behold, another one of her apparently numerous exes is stretched out across a bare mattress on the floor. This is the moment I knew I was saved. Before the guy even had a chance to get up, she dashes across the room, throws herself on the bed, and starts hugging him, saying how much she missed him.
My friend gives me a look of concern, being currently unaware that the chick is completely crazy. I grinned and whispered under my breath, “Good, she’s his problem now.”
80. Respect The Elders, Lady
I was walking in the park with this stupid teenage girl. We saw this old man pushing his bike up a steep hill…and this girl says VERY LOUDLY, “Oh man, that old guy is really WEAK.”…Right then, I stopped thinking she was right for me.
81. The Oedipal Deal
It ended up being a double date with his mom and her OkCupid date. He told me that he and his mom were a “package deal.” I was mortified. There was no second date.
82. The Man In The White Suit
I went on a blind date with a girl who claimed she had lost 100lbs. I found it; it was in her butt. I decided not to judge and just have a good time. I am a large person myself. After about 30 minutes of dancing and drinks at her favorite club, I was getting lots of dirty looks from a club rat in a white suit. Her friends kept saying things on the order of, “I’m glad you two are together,” “you two deserve a good relationship,” and “you are so much nicer than her last boyfriend.”
I asked the last friend to point him out. Of course, it’s white suit loser over there. I realized I was being used to make this guy jealous. I looked my date straight in the eye and said, “I’ll see you sometime, I have to take a poop.” I then walked out the door and never saw her again.
83. The Last Dance
The guy played Dance Dance Revolution for a good 45 minutes while I just stood there. I left and played a couple arcade games by myself, then came back and he was still playing. Then it somehow got worse. On the car ride home, he asked how many children I wanted and started suggesting names for “our kids.” Then he tried to make out with me. Nope nope nope.
84. Stranger Than Fiction
I went out with a really gorgeous girl who I didn’t know was bipolar and off her meds. She wanted to drive, so we took her car. We went to dinner, which was fine, and then a movie, where she got more and more agitated and then excused herself. I thought she was going to a bathroom, then said out loud, “No, she’s bugging out,” and walked out and found her in the parking lot searching for her car.
She screamed at me that I’d been making fun of her, the people in the theater had been making fun of her, and the people in the movie had been making fun of her. I got her calmed down and got her home, and on the way found out that she was bipolar, she had stopped taking her meds, she was into self-harm, and the car was stolen.
She kept calling after that asking when we were going to go out again. Nope, nope, nope.
85. Take Me Home Tonight
I have horrible self-esteem and date losers. One day, I went on a date with some Internet dude and he wanted me to stay over. Fine, but no way was I putting out with this one on the first date. He says “Why don’t you come with me to the bathroom and make out while I touch myself?” I was appalled. This has become a go-to line with my friends.
86. ID Crisis
A guy at my work asked me to take his daughter out. So, to be nice, I said yes despite not knowing anything about her. The only thing he said was she was previously living with her mom and just recently moved back and didn’t really know anyone. So anyways a movie was coming out that I really wanted to see and I already planned on going to watch it with some friends.
I thought it would be fine for her to come along as well to hopefully make it less awkward. I told the dad when we were planning on seeing the movie and told him I could pick her up right before we head to the theater to watch it. So, he gives me the address and sets up the rest on his end. There’s a little bit before the movie starts, so I get ready and then I go to pick this girl up.
I knock on the door and when it opens, I immediately realize something isn’t quite right. I look at the girl’s face and realize her lipstick isn’t only on her lips. And then we do our little greetings and I realize this poor girl is a little bit slow. This is definitely something I wish the dad had let me know though, because now it’s just really awkward for me.
So anyways we go ahead and go to the movies to meet up with my friends. When we arrive, I introduce her to my friends and they kinda just give me an, “oh dang, sorry,” look. So, we get in line to get tickets and when we finally get to the register we find out the movie is rated R and she didn’t bring her ID with her. So we try to figure out what we’re gonna do.
Right about the same time her brother comes up. He starts talking to us and finds out that she can’t watch. He tells us that he needs a ride home, so I just go ahead and take the two home. During the ride there they decide to just get high together instead of picking up her ID and going back to see the movie. Not the greatest night of my life.
87. The Ideal Woman
Once I went on a first date and the guy told me that I seem great, he just had one concern: “I’m not saying you’re fat, but I’m worried you will gain weight and not be attractive to me anymore.” I was 110 lbs. at the time. And I was eating a salad.
88. Pop Quiz
My housemate told me that one of his friends used to ask girls on the first date if they could name three brands of printer. He would then judge them not on their answer, but how they answered. If they answered quickly and rattled off three “makes,” then they were too geeky. If they said “I don’t know any,” then they weren’t willing to play along.
But, if they managed to get three but were more hesitant over their answers, then they were a good date. He…did not go on many second dates.
89. Don’t Lean On Me
I have shoulder problems, and I have had three different dates with three different women that ended with me in the ER after a major dislocation. Once, I dislocated my right shoulder when I went to hold open the door for my date on the way into the restaurant. Shortest date ever, she drove me to the ER and as I walked in, she walked toward a bus stop. Never saw her again.
In the second instance, I forced an entire theater audience to wince as I tried the “arm stretch” move to put my arm around one girl and pop, my right arm dropped painfully behind the seat. The woman sitting behind me actually screamed. Movie stops completely and the lights go on…great fun. Dated that girl for about a month.
The third I can’t even explain, I was just driving and my arm just went. I was downshifting and the arm just came out of the socket. I had to pull over and call for an ambulance ride that time because she didn’t know how to drive a stick. Lo and behold, she was too freaked out to ever go out with me again. Can’t say I blame her.
My arms are much more stable now, but they both used to dislocate a lot. I once dislocated my left arm by pointing at the whiteboard at work during a meeting. I’ve even dislocated my right shoulder once when I sneezed. My right shoulder is the worse of the two. Haven’t had a major dislocation in more than a year, but I used to have them every month or two.
90. Up In Smoke
Picked up my blind date from a sober living house. Went to the park and ate some sandwiches she made. She was so nervous she smoked an entire pack of cigs (or what was left anyway). Before taking her back home because she couldn’t relax, she had me stop at the store. She came out with an entire carton. Then I took her home.
91. Two’s A Crowd
Met up with a guy from OkCupid. I had mentioned I was into hockey while we were messaging, so he asked me out to watch a game at a bar and then grab dinner. He was cute, I liked the banter we had going, so I said sure. He picks a super crowded sports bar (not ideal for a date but we were supposed to watch a game so that makes sense) except it’s so crowded it’s insane. You could barely get in the door at this place.
He arrived 10 minutes late, and then sat at the one empty seat at the bar while I awkwardly stood at his shoulder, trying to flag down the bartender. He got himself a drink, didn’t think to get me one. After about 15 minutes of this, I suggest we just go ahead and get dinner somewhere where I know they have TVs and it will be less crowded.
He offers to drive us over to the place I suggested, so I get in his car (NEVER DO THIS! THIS WAS DUMB!!) and it’s absolutely disgusting. There were at least a dozen empty energy drink cans all over the floor where I was trying to put my feet. The drink holder thing was filled with smoke butts…why would he offer to drive me when his car was this gross?! We could have driven separately!!
We get to the restaurant and he insists on a two-top table right next to the big window at the front of the place. Over the course of the 42 minutes we were in this restaurant, he went outside to smoke SEVEN TIMES. Each time he would stand on the other side of the big window and just look down at me. Just staring at me intensely while puffing away out there. It was awful.
92. I Know What I Want
I had a girl ask me what I looked for in a partner. She then seemed annoyed that my answer was rather general, and proceeded to pull out her list. It was eight typed pages. She started going through the points and giving me checkmarks. I didn’t get very many.
93. May I Introduce…
I had a girl bring her boyfriend to a date once. Apparently, the two girls who set us up, our mutual friends, didn’t like her current boyfriend. For some reason, she agreed to go out with me. But she didn’t have a problem with her boyfriend, so she brought him along.
About five years back, two of my fraternity brothers, Jon and Tim decided to meet up with these girls who Jon had met at the bar earlier in the week. So, we decide to meet up at a bar and grab some dinner while watching the ball game. On the way to the bar, our buddy Tim says, “Guys, you’re going to go along with me on the fact that I’m deaf.”
Me and Jon look at each other and just shrug and go whatever, we’ll play along. So, Tim manages to pull this off for the three hours we’re at the bar. Jon throws out the idea of going back to the girls place and watching a movie. This is where I part ways with my two friends as I see Jon is hitting it off with the one girl and Tim has the other melting in his hands.
So, they get back to the girls’ place and begin watching a movie. The movie starts and Tim, in a “deaf” voice, yells at Jon, “JON! You forgot to turn the subtitles on! You know I can’t watch a movie without the subtitles!” So, Jon puts the titles on and they begin watching the movie. Jon and the one girl head to her room and start doing the deed.
Meanwhile, Tim and the girl he’s been talking to all night are out on the couch still watching the movie and writing notes to each other. Basically, the girl is telling him how cool she thinks he is for being so normal and being able to cope with being deaf. Tim then responds with a gesture pointing to his ears and lays it on thick.
“You know it’s really hard to fit in sometimes but what I lack here (points to ears) I make up for here (holds his heart).” Girl then falls for it and they immediately get ready to head to her place. As they step outside Tim mentions that it’s pretty cold so maybe they should jog to her place. The girl agrees and right there Tim bolts down the street as fast as he can run.
The girl starts yelling for him to stop and wait but oh yeah what’s that going to do, Tim’s apparently deaf!
95. Right Sentiment, Wrong Time
The first words out of her mouth were, “I just want you to know, I really hate patriarchy.” Not even a hello.
Waited for her at the theater for two hours. She shows up totally not sober. Watched a terrible movie, just whatever was about to start. She took me to a bar afterward. Ended up being a gay bar and she tried to get me to admit I was gay. I flirted with the gay bartender to make the night less awful.
97. Every Man’s Dream
My friend had a Match date where the woman drank a bunch, and as they were walking back to his car so he could drive her home, she asked him to “Wait right here.” He thought maybe she was making a phone call or had to throw up, because she walked into an alley. Then she spread her legs and began peeing from under her skirt, spraying all over her legs and the wall of the alley, after which she called to him, “Is this turning you on?”
There was no second date, and he scrubbed out his car seat with Mr. Clean.
98. Stay Curious
I once went on a date with a girl and this is how the conversation went. Her: “So, what’s your favorite book?” Me: “Tough, but when I was little I LOVED Jurassic Park.” Her: “Yuck, Jurassic Park.” Me: “The book or the movie? EVERYBODY loves Jurassic Park!” Her: “I don’t believe in dinosaurs.” Me: “Fossils?!??!??!” Her: “I don’t want to get into it, but I think fossils are lies.”
I ended the conversation there and held onto the night. Until later on she told me, “I don’t believe in outer space” and my head exploded.
99. The Worst Kind Of Deja Vu
A year and change ago, I had just gotten out of a bad relationship that I had broken off. I’m a driven person, and my work is what drives me. The relationship wasn’t great, so I wasn’t that torn up about having to end it. Several of my friends who don’t know me that well assumed that I was super depressed, because I wasn’t partying and going out as much as I normally do.
In reality, I just had a HUGE grant proposal to work on, which is a real pain in the butt and takes a lot of time. The relationship I had been in wasn’t serious, and it was only for a month-ish “unofficially” so it really wasn’t a big deal. She’s a weird one, so I was in the middle of introducing her to my extended friend circle when things broke off.
My friends came up with this whole plan of meeting me somewhere and then not showing up, only to have me find out it was a blind date. So they did this, and called me right when I was outside the sushi joint to let me know. After getting angry, I figured what the heck, why not go in and share a meal with a stranger, what could happen, right?
Imagine my surprise…when the girl I had just broken up with was sitting there waiting for me.
100. Taking The Term “Blind Date” A Little Too Far
It was a blind date. I got there first and told him where I was sitting. I actually saw him take one look at me and suddenly hang up his phone and walk back to his car. I know I should have understood the situation immediately, but I was in total denial. I tried to call him back, thinking something must have happened, and he didn’t answer. No more answers to calls or texts afterward. That one really hurt.