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We’ve all had those uncomfortable moments that we wish we could forget, but these embarrassing stories take “Awkward!” to the next level.


1. Look at Where You Came From

I was looking at my mom’s phone cause she wanted to show me some pictures from what she did that weekend. I swiped one too many times and came across one of her nudes. I felt my soul jolt out of my body seeing that stuff.

Throbbingprepuce

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2. The Luck of the Irish

I speak Norwegian and English, but I’m Irish by background. I was in Ireland one time and I heard a Norwegian guy talking on a bus to someone who I presume was his girlfriend. I don’t remember exactly what was said, but what I did understand made my skin crawl. He went into great detail about what he wanted to do in the bedroom when he got home. I just kept my mouth shut and laughed about it afterwards.

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3. She Took Notes

My ex wife later came out as a lesbian, and we divorced. Years later, I went to her wedding, where she married her now wife—who was my ex-girlfriend.

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4. Threat Level: Midnight

I have a friend who is basically a young Michael Scott. Seriously, sometimes when watching The Office, I cringe not because of what Michael is doing, but because it reminds me so much of my friend. One day, our group of friends got on the topic of what Office character we’re most like. He loudly and immediately declared he thinks he’s most like Ryan…

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5. You Just Had to Be There

I was in some business college class, and the professor was talking about something related to how celebrities brand themselves. Someone in the class brought up Shaun White as someone who had great celebrity branding but isn’t really talked about a lot. The professor was Indian and said he wasn’t familiar with who that was. This is where it all unraveled. 

My genius brain thought it would be perfect to say out loud “I’m talking about Mountain Dews, baby” as a joke reference to that newscast where Shaun White said he had been drinking all night when he was underage. The news person asked him what he meant so he responded with, “I’m talking about Mountain Dews, baby.”

And well, no one seemed to knew about that or at least didn’t think it was funny, as silence rang through the classroom and professor awkwardly moved on to a new topic. Truly the most awkward situation I’ve been in and also the worst haunting moment of my life.

NotoriousFish

6. Bad Timing

My best friend in high school was in the process of being grounded and having his phone taken away. As he was handing over his phone to his mom, he got a text from me that said “Hey, I found your mom’s bedroom toy” accompanied with a picture of a medieval battering ram. He told me that they both saw it right as the transaction was taking place, then held each other’s gaze silently for what he described as an eternity.

theLesserOf2Weedles

Notifications factsKristina Dimovska | Factinate

7. You May Now Steal Their Thunder

At a friend’s wedding, in the middle of the vows when they reached the “through sickness and health” section, the pastor started going off on his life story—how he has had three wives and they all died horribly and so it’s important to really mean the “through sickness” bit. Then at the end of the wedding, before he announced them as a couple, he asked his fourth wife to stand up.

Really weird, everyone was looking around at each other to see if it was a joke or not. Groom was pretty mad.

oldsluggy

8. A Pat on the Backside

When I was a kid, we were on holiday and decided to go to a church. While we were there, I decided that I would be funny if I would slap my dad’s butt with both hands. So, I ran in full speed to maximize the impact of the slap. I ended up slapping a stranger who also happened to walk next to a woman with a stroller in his hands which made me think it was my dad.

Then it got worse. My parents saw it as well. Because people are asking what happened afterward. My parents just laughed at me, which made the guy laugh as well and then we just left the church, I think.

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9. Wood-n’t You Know?

I was a teenager with a boner—pretty standard, so far. Except I didn’t know it was visible. I was talking to my mom for a few minutes and she was flushed red in the face and quickly trying to kill conversation—not something my mom is known for. I walked away, saw what was going on, and didn’t know what the heck to do.

We never discussed it but because things were so awkward at dinner, I’m pretty sure my mom knew that I realized it happened as well.

donutshopsss

10. Beauty Is Only Skin-Wound Deep

One woman (who is 40 and in great shape but absolutely desperate to be married) to another woman who is funny and sweet but overweight, “I can’t believe someone like you is married and I’m not.” No lie…and it didn’t even occur to her that it was insulting. She’s too much of a narcissist to realize that.

JMCrown

11. Wish I Were You, Kiddo

Wedding photographer here. Easily my most awkward moment was at one of my wedding. The father of the groom, apparently entirely sober this whole time, gave a ten-minute toast that devolved into openly complaining that his son got to have sex with the bride and he didn’t. But that was just the beginning of the nightmare. 

This wasn’t a mistimed joke about how pretty she was, this was a full-on lament about growing old and how women didn’t find him attractive anymore and that all he wanted was to take his daughter-in-law to bed. I got a few photos of the bride and groom reacting in horror to this and then I went and hid with the catering staff in the kitchen, who were peeking out the door to observe the carnage.

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12. Does the Missus Know About This?

I once accidentally showed a nude photo of my fiancé to a receptionist. It was my first time on site and I needed to show him a pic of where I’d be working as I didn’t know where it was on site. So, I open my gallery and lo and behold, my missus’ naked body was right there. I just stepped back and apologized, but he didn’t say anything…

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13. Leave a Part of Yourself in the Book

I once saw a teacher pick her nose while reading from the textbook and everyone saw it.

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14. Four’s a Crowd

So, I’ve had the same three best friends since I was a kid. Friend 1 has an insanely hot older sister, like an absolute smoke show, and me and Friends 2 and 3 always thought she was super sexy. Somehow, Friend 2 ends up hooking up with Friend 1’s said sister, and me and Friend 3 know about it, but Friend 1 does not.

One night, we are all in my basement, and Friend 1 and Friend 2 end up getting in a roasting war. Not essentially an argument or anything, just friendly banter and insults. Friend 1 (the one with the hot sister) is really digging into Friend 2 (the one who hooked up with the hot sister) and seems to be winning the roasting war. Until it all took a wrong turn.

In a last ditch effort to recover from shame, Friend 2 proceeds to drunkenly say “Yeah? Well, I hooked up with your sister!!” After that, I’m pretty sure the tension in the room was so thick that it raised the temperature in the room by like 10 degrees.

thankyoukarl

15. What’s in a Name?

I once looked on as my poor friend, who had just started to learn American Sign Language, was trying to spell out her name to someone he had just met in ASL and, instead of using the letter “F,” he accidentally spelled out “S-T-E-butthole sign-E-N.”

GCSpellbreaker

16. With Such Customers, There’s No Need for Service

My drunk mom who, when the waitress asked her if we were there for a special occasion, started her sentence but took a really, really long pause in the middle. The waitress then said, “That’s great!” and went into her specials list. My mom thought she had cut her off and sat there with her mouth open and went “Well huh!” And rolled her eyes directly at the waitress.

It was so uncomfortable while she took the orders, and my mom talked about it loudly for the rest of the night and left a really bad tip. My husband and I waited for her to leave and gave the waitress an extra ten in cash for putting up with her.

StatlerlovesWaldorf

17. No Time Like the Present

When hubby and I were starting our fertility struggle, I downloaded one of those apps that tracks your period and ovulation and such. It occasionally would send messages saying it was a good time for intimacy. As I did dishes, surrounded by 6 aunts and uncles, my 90-year-old grandmother, my parents, and a mess of older cousins, my phone dinged.

Thinking it was about a work emergency that had popped up, I asked my uncle nearest my phone to grab it and read it off to me while I scrubbed a pot. When he saw the text, he was horrified.“Your phone says it’s a good time to have sex….?” Oh, the laughter.

Teh-Red-Coat

Notifications factsKristina Dimovska | Factinate

18. Put in an Awkward Position

My parents don’t speak English, and I used to go with them to doctor appointments to translate. I was around 14 and my mom was pregnant. The nurse told me to ask them when the last time they had sex was and then proceeded to have me translate a list of sexual positions they could partake in while my mom was pregnant.

I didn’t want to do so but she kept stressing that it was good for them. I don’t think my parents understood me or even wanted to understand what I was trying to tell them.

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19. Passion After All These Years

In college, I lived really close to my grandparent’s house, so they gave me a key and told me to “Stop on by anytime, don’t worry about calling.” So, I did. Oh, how I wish I didn’t. My grandma was…servicing my grandpa in the living room. I ALWAYS call now. It’s been 10 years. My grandma’s favorite marriage advice is to “keep it spicy.”

More power to them I guess, but I’ll never get that image out of my head.

CatiCom

20. Doing the Legwork

So back in high school, there was a girl who sat behind me in Spanish class who loved to put her feet against the back of my chair and push. It was annoying for me, so I would always turn around and slap her legs so she could know to drop her feet. She would do it so much that I got into the habit of just slapping her legs without even turning.

So one day, I feel her feet on the back of my chair as usual and throw back a slap without looking. Her legs felt oddly soft, but I thought I was just imagining things. Her feet remain up against my chair, so I throw an even harder slap. It’s still soft. I turn around to see what’s going on. I had slapped my Spanish teacher’s butt. Twice.

She stared at me in shock, said nothing, and then just proceeded to act like it never happened.

IVIajesty

21. Basket Case

When I triumphantly scored in a basketball game when I was eight in front of a whole crowd—only to realize it was on the wrong hoop. I have considered asking my sister to formally sign a non-disclosure agreement.

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22. Reaching out Isn’t Always Good

I am someone who never feels awkward, but this moment got me good. I was doing orientation for my college. I wanted to meet the dean of my department and make a good impression. I walk in his office and he is bent over behind his desk looking for something. I introduce myself and stick my hand out to shake his hand. God, it’s hard to think about the next part. 

He sits up and he has no arms. I look at him and look at my hand and I am freaking out. It felt like my hand was out there for an eternity and I did the only thing I could think of to do. I ran my hand through my hair and tried to play it off. He never said anything and just started talking to me, but I felt like I was actually going to die of embarrassment.

Cannabilistichokie

23. Are You My Uber?

When I was in 2nd grade, my brother and I would always be picked up after school by my dad. We had a green van with a red stripe on the side. So, my brother grabs my hand and storms us up to the car. He rips open the door, sits us down, buckles me in, and then says, “Can we get McDonald’s on the way home?”

We both look up and there are two middle-aged adults sitting in the front seat that are OBVIOUSLY not our family. They stare at us; we stare at them. In my little brain, we’ve been staring at each other for at least 10 minutes at this point. My brother unbuckles me, unbuckles himself, we get out and walk away. No words were exchanged.

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24. Constructive Criticism

I was waiting for a job interview and the interviewer was late. Being panicky and nervous for it already, I was texting my friend every detail of what was going on, which included the interviewer’s lack of timeliness. He shows up, we talk, I’m showing him something on my phone, and my friend texts me back right then about how unprofessional it is to be late as an interviewer.

Guess what? I didn’t get the job.

Muvl

Notifications factsKristina Dimovska | Factinate

25. Let Me Finnish!

When I was a handsome young man of about 25 years of age, I was once at a wedding reception where I was introduced to two women who were both about 40-ish years old. I shook hands with one of them, who immediately acted as a translator and introduced me in Finnish to the other one. The second woman, in Finnish, while shaking my hand and looking me straight in the eye, said, “Oh, what a cutie! If I was 10 years younger, the things I would do to this man!” 

The first one, again acting as a translator, said: “She is very pleased to meet you.” In Finnish, I replied “Apparently so. What exactly would she do to me if she was 10 years younger?” Their faces turned so red, they almost turned purple!

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26. Pick up the Tab

My dad was the best man at a very low-key wedding. We went to a restaurant after and in his speech, he thanked the father of the bride for paying for the meal, and it turned out we were all paying for our own meals. The father of the bride was mortified, and so was my dad.

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27. A Blast From the Not-Past

I used to run a restaurant and had inherited an employee with a load of mental health issues. She had massive anxiety issues and just couldn’t handle the pressure of working in a restaurant. She’d break down and cry over simple mistakes if she felt she was making too many. It was extremely unfortunate, but I was terribly under-prepared to coach someone like that.

One day, during downtime, the cooks were recounting stories of weird ex co-workers. I opened up my yap and said: “Who was the one who kept crying every time they’d screw up?” She was two feet away and literally responded with “Me…”

Certal

28. Not Seeing Eye to Eye

I was in the car with my girlfriend’s best friend’s mom and her other daughter. We were talking in the car and, I just ended up asking what their favorite color was to make conversation. It was a huge mistake. They then told me the other daughter was actually blind…I barely knew these people and I was in the car for another 20 minutes.

sadboystanton

29. Those Housewives Can Be Dangerous

I went for a bike ride in my neighborhood at about midnight a month ago. It was pitch black other than streetlights every five or six houses. I was kinda just zoning out, enjoying the fresh air, when something moved out of the corner of my eye. I turned my head to look, and I immediately assumed it was some kind of monster.

I had just finished a horror movie—so I let out an extremely loud, bloodcurdling scream in the middle of the night in a silent suburban neighborhood. It was not a monster, it was a blonde soccer mom. She screamed back at me, with pretty good reason. I zipped past her on my bike, yelling, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” over and over again until I got off the street.

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30. Fun Isn’t Always Accessible

I worked at the entrance gate for a theme park. Our season pass holders used a biometric scan of their right index finger to verify their identity. One day, a little girl walks up with her family, who only spoke Spanish, scans her pass and places her left finger on the scanner. I say, “Can you use your right finger sweetie?”

Then, her mother raises the girl’s right arm to show me she doesn’t actually have a right hand. Seemed to be due to a birth defect rather than a horrific accident. However, her left finger keeps getting rejected, so I call a lead over to override the old scan and re-do it. He then proceeds to say the same thing to the girl, followed by her mother raising the arm again.

It was definitely more awkward for me than the family, but it gets worse. About three months later it happened again, the same little girl. Absolutely mortifying.

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31. We Have So Much in Common!

I was really getting into this girl and finally managed to ask her out on a date. When we get there, things are actually going really smoothly. Then I bring up the fact that my grandparents are straight out of Sicily. She says oh that’s cool. Then I say they’re from a certain town, and she says her parents are from the same town.

She goes home and, surprise surprise, she’s related to me! Needless to say, we don’t ever talk about that date we went on. As a matter of fact, we don’t talk much about anything since then…

Goldenrover

32. Getting the Whole Picture

I used to do security work at parties. One night, there was an alert call for a young woman gone missing. I found her with her dress hitched up looking for her underwear in the bushes. I managed to unlock her phone to call her dad, who, from his name, I recognized as the district attorney. He comes over to pick up his intoxicated daughter.

While I was carrying her to the car, she was making very sexual remarks about me carrying her, all the while her father is hearing me out like I was responsible for his daughter ending up that way, even suggesting I had assaulted her. His lecture continued after I put his daughter in the backseat, still making the same remarks while pressing up her body against the car window.

When the cops arrived at the scene, she was naked, putting her butt out the window. I told the cops my side of the story. As soon as she picked up my name, she started moaning it to the point of waking up nearby neighbors. I was brought to the police station for interrogation, surveillance footage proved my innocence.

Five years later, I see this district attorney on a weekly basis at my job.

TheWanderingWriter

33. Dip and Strip

I witnessed one of the most awkward wedding moments ever. One of the groomsmen was dancing with the maid of honor and they did a dip maneuver. The problem with this being that the maid of honor’s dress was strapless, and her boobs had recently swelled up—she was pregnant—so that maneuver made them pop right out of the top of her dress in front of the whole dance floor.

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34. Dysfunctional Family

My parents are divorced and my dad is deaf. I often interpret things for him in sign language. Dad had a new girlfriend, and I had the utter joy of interpreting my father’s struggles with erectile dysfunction for him. His new girlfriend, who was ten years younger, was looking for more frequent performances than dad could muster.

So, his doctor and I went in depth about how frequently was appropriate for a man in his late 50s and then had to discuss the risks of Viagra.

smittyleafs

35. Walking After Midnight

I got up one night to get some water, and found that my teenage son was in the kitchen getting food. He was behind the kitchen counter, so I could only see him from the waist up. When he came around the counter into the hall, two horrible things happened simultaneously. He noticed me and his eyes grew wide; and I saw that he was butt-naked except for a pair of socks.

He tried to panic-run backward on the tile floor, but ended up slipping and taking a hard seat on the tile. Worst of all, he dropped his Hot Pocket. I made sure he was ok, then went back to bed and laughed my backside off.

Years later, we were driving and reminiscing about funny memories. I said, “Do you remember that night when…” and he cut me off with, “Yes.” I didn’t even have to specify which night. We knew, and we were silent.

dangshescary

36. A Serving of Superiority

When I was in high school, I dated a guy who repeatedly cheated on me with his ex. I found out after we’d broken up, and I told him off and broke off contact. A few years later, I’d finished college and started working at a publishing company where I often get free tickets to cultural events in town. It’s a pretty good job.

My boss gave me tickets to the opera and also tickets to the little VIP events where they serve free food and wine at intermission and after the show. The first time I’d seen the girl my ex cheated with was at the little VIP intermission gathering. I was sitting there munching on hors d’oeuvres and sipping wine when I saw her. I couldn’t believe my eyes.

She was clearing tables with the catering crew. She made eye contact for one second and then immediately turned away and was obviously avoiding me for the rest of the night. It was perfect.

EtrontheMachine

37. It’s Contagious

Times Square a few years ago. My buddy and I are liquored up crossing the street. An elderly man is coming in the opposite direction. He steps in a small pothole and just face plants. A ton of folks rush over to help him but being drunk, my buddy and I can’t help ourselves and bust a gut laughing. A lady cop nearby turns and tries to scold us “I heard you boys laughing!!!”

Then she loses it and starts cracking up too.

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38. Necessity Is the Mother of Invention

My best friend and I used to have a code word for situations where we shouldn’t be sending each other inappropriate stuff. So whenever one of us sent the word “Crisco,” it means someone was looking at our phone and keep it PG. We started this system because one time my dad was fixing my phone and she sent the most awkward message ever. 

She sent, in all caps: “DID YOU KNOW THAT IN ANCIENT TIMES SOME PEOPLE USED ANIMAL FAT FOR ANAL INTIMACY???”

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39. A Match Made in Hell

I accidentally matched with my cousin on Tinder. I was like “Wow, she is hot—wait a second, that’s my cousin!” while rapidly swiping. It was too late. It all happened so fast and I had already swiped “yes” before I realized who she was. Same thing must have happened to her, because we matched. I just messaged her and said “We never speak of this, agreed?”

She agreed. And we’ve never spoken about it. Things are weird around the holidays. We just kinda make eye contact and then one of us finds a reason to leave the room immediately to go and talk to other family members with whom we have not matched on Tinder.

Outrageous_Claims

40. Alone at Last

I was a weird kid. When I was 15 years old, I wandered into the living room in my boxers one afternoon, hand down the front, enjoying being home alone. President George W. Bush was on TV saying something about cloning. With little understanding of what he is talking about, I yell at the top of my lungs, “WE’RE FREAKIN’ SCREWED!!!”

When I was home alone and a teenager, I liked to get wacky like this—probably just as an outlet for excess energy and my general facade of being a decent kid. I would dance around, yell random things, you name it. Basically, if you saw me in private at any point in these years, you would have thought I was insane.

Unfortunately for me, I made a horrible realization that day. I had not actually been home alone that day and my mom was in the living room watching this unfold. She yelled at me in shock at my behavior. It was easily one of the top ten most embarrassing moments I’ve ever been in, and it was never discussed again.

Nihilistic_Dizzy

41. Taking the Plunge

I had to stay with a work friend one night as we had a conference in his hometown the next day. It was weird enough staying in his spare room, but to top things off he had a fancy modern bathroom with a square toilet—which of course, I blocked up in the morning with a poop the size of Mt Fuji.

After 30 minutes of fruitless searching for a plunger while the situation went from bad to worse, he knocked on the door and asked if I was okay. I had to tell him not to come in but to just hand me a plunger and some bleach. Apparently, his girlfriend did the same thing the first night she stayed at his place, so at least I’m not alone. To this day I cannot look him in the eye at work.

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42. Love Story

I had a bout with internal bleeding and really low blood pressure. I was in the hospital and instructed to not try to stand or walk since I’d faint. I didn’t obey that suggestion. I went to try and use the washroom. My girlfriend saw and chased after me. She caught up just in time to throw herself between me and the floor to prevent me from cracking my head open as I fell back unconscious, pants down, peeing all over everything on the way down.

I awoke with her sandwiched between me and the tile floors, lying in a pool of my urine. And that’s actually the moment I realized I should marry that girl. Anyone who cared about me to that extent was worth keeping. I did. But that’s not the story I tell when someone asked, “When did you know she was the one?”

Nylund

43. The Weight of the World

I am a pediatric nurse, but we “float” (substitute) to other floors when we have more nurses than we need. So, I was sent to an adult floor to work as an assistant, since theirs had called in sick. An older male patient called out asking for help to get up to the bathroom. He stood, tried to pivot, and the newly operated on knee gave out. This was the worst thing that could have happened.

All 320 pounds of him came down on top of me and we laid there for almost an hour. I had closed the door for privacy, and neither he nor I could tell loud enough nor reach the call light for help. My phone was 10 feet from me on the floor after it fell out of my scrubs and rang incessantly. Finally, the other assistant came to find me because she wanted to go on break and was tired of having to do all my work.

The patient was fine, since he fell on me, I was sore for a week. We were nose-to-nose the whole time, and boy was it awkward. His breath was terrible, but he was a nice man and felt so bad.

SheWhoComesFirst

44. Friends in High Places

I ran into one of my ex-girlfriends recently at work. I go “Hey, long time no see! What are you doing here? What’s new?” Then suddenly my boss walks up from behind and says “Hey Bob, how do you know my wife?” I totally made up a random lie on the spot. She went along with it. No one said anything more or brought it up again.

Eneco

45. You Showed Him Who’s Boss!

I was at a birthday lunch celebration with my boss and about ten co-workers. My boss started opening gifts before we had even finished eating our meal. He opens one of his gifts, and his jaw drops. It was a potato. Yes, a potato, with just a single insulting curse word written across it. No one had any idea who had snuck that into his gift pile and most people were dead quiet.

I, on the other hand, was dying of laughter. He got the check and stormed out of the restaurant before finishing opening the rest of the gifts.

torobulls

46. Loser by a Doghair

Once I was at a dog grooming place to pick up my dog. It’s fairly small (20lbs.) and white. Usually, when I take him, he’s got long semi-curly hair and when I pick him up, he has short straight hair, which is quite a change, and this is what I expect when I go to pick him up. I walk up to the counter and request my dog and the clerk tells me he’ll be out in a moment.

30 seconds later, an attendant walks out to the lobby from the back door with a dog that immediately gets excited and tries to run away as soon as it rounds the corner to me. “Hey, buddy!” I say as I walk up and attempt to pick up my dog, but it turns around and starts recoiling back and gives me a nip as I try picking him up.

An old man behind me asks “Hey, is that your dog?” And me thinking it’s a pretty weird question respond “Yep!” At that point he goes, “I don’t think so mister, that’s my dog,” and as I turn and realize this dog that looks just like mine after a grooming is 100% not my dog. My face goes completely red and the whole lobby starts laughing.

To make it worse, the old couple whose dog it was stuck around just because they wanted to see what my dog actually looked like, and of course when he came out with a different haircut there was only a vague resemblance. Yikes.

47. Marked in Absentia

Not my story but a family friend. He’s a school principal, and he goes to a wine festival and on his way home, slightly drunk. On the train, he runs into the parents of a boy he used to teach. They get to talking, and when my family friend asks how the boy is, the parents just look shocked for a moment. Then they drop the most awkward bomb. 

They say “He passed away last year…you were at the funeral…you spoke.” He apologized profusely, but I think that’s the most awkward story I’ve ever heard.

niwawhatuira

48. Can’t He See the Humor in It?

Father-in-law and I are looking at a picture on my phone. Suddenly, my wife texts me, and a banner pops up on the top of the phone saying “I’ve been a bad girl… I need a spanking!” Dude looked at me, horrified, so I just answered, “What kind of daughter did you raise?” He didn’t laugh as hard as I think he should have.

billbapapa

Notifications factsKristina Dimovska | Factinate

49. First Time for Everything

Went to a wedding where the first kiss as husband and wife was literally their first kiss. She went for the quick peck and he went for the “dog licking its bowl clean”-style kiss. She was not happy about it.

bpain454

50. Really Driving the Point Home

In middle school, my crush’s mom and my mom drove the exact same SUV. They even had similar license plates. After school one day, I ran up, hopped in my mom’s car and started talking. When she didn’t talk back and hadn’t left the pickup row after about 30 seconds, I looked at her. She was not my mom. But that wasn’t even the worst part. 

I look to my right and my crush is standing outside the car looking at me like I’m crazy. I sheepishly got out and ran a few cars back to my real mom. A few years later, I had moved back to the area and was a cashier at a local store. My crush came through the line, recognized me and started to say “weren’t you that girl who…” where I just interrupted with a “yes,” handed him his change and quickly started with the next customer.

MrsG_MomOfMystery

51. Let’s Swap Partners

I was visiting my girlfriend (now wife) in college one weekend. We went to a party, and I ended up having WAY too much to drink and blacked out. We get back to her dorm room and both fall asleep (I’m definitely in her room next to her at this point). I wake up on the floor with a bunch of blankets on me and a trash can next to my head.

Must have been getting sick? I stand up to crawl back in bed to my girlfriend, but there is a woman with different color hair in her bed, and the sheets are different, and the stuff on the walls is different too. That’s when I panic and sprint out of the room, but I’m still super drunk and I tripped on the blankets on the floor and fall flat on my face.

I walk out into the hallway with a bloody nose and I’m out of breath. Girlfriend’s room is right across the hall. I walk in and she is sitting on the bed pissed. Apparently, I got up to pee an hour earlier and never came back. She went looking for me and couldn’t find me. She talked to the girls across the hall the next day and apologized on my behalf.

They both apparently just laughed and said it was fine. Their account (according to my wife): I just barged in the room complaining about something when I sat on the bed and realized that person wasn’t my girlfriend. I apologized to them and said I was lost and that the best thing to do when you’re lost is to stay put.

So, I sat on the floor waiting for my girlfriend to come find me, fell asleep, and they put blankets on me. Didn’t get sick, but they weren’t taking chances. I definitely haven’t gotten that drunk since.

BruceWaynesTARDIS

52. Lecturing Them

I have a great story from a lecture I was at a few years ago. The lecture hadn’t started yet, and people in the audience were chatting amongst themselves. In front of me were two Israeli girls, chatting to each other in Hebrew. I speak a little bit of Hebrew—not a lot, but enough to be able to get the gist of what they were talking about.

They were making fun of the older lady in front of them, mocking her clothing and appearance and so on. They got what was coming to them. After a few minutes of talking about her and laughing, the lady turns around and says, in Hebrew, “You shouldn’t assume that no one can understand you, you know.” Oh, but it gets better.

At which point the guy sitting next to them says, in Hebrew, “Yeah, you really were being very rude.” At which point a third person, a woman sitting in the row behind me, leaned forward and called them idiots, all in Hebrew. By this point, I was starting to really crack up with laughter and the people seated nearby were giving me looks.

I didn’t have anything clever to add, so I just wheezed out that I spoke Hebrew too in between laughs. The four of us just laughed and laughed, while the two girls tried to slide into the floor.

MikeOfThePalace

53. His Fault for Not Calling Dibs

Okay, so me and some friends were at a restaurant and a buddy of mine was telling us about this new girl he just started going out with a few days back. Well, another friend what started telling us about this girl that he hooked up with the previous night. The conversation went on for a minute and finally, somebody asked for the name of the girl that he had been with.

You guessed it. It turns out it was a girl that the other friend had started dating a few days earlier. Cue narrowly avoided fight as we convinced him it’s better to find out she’s terrible now rather than later. The two guys still no longer speak though.

Fething-Idiot

54. Be Thankful She Was So Nice to You

My husband and I were going to Thanksgiving dinner at the house of some of my dad’s family that I only kind of knew. We got there, knocked, and a woman I didn’t recognize let us in. We went into the home and there wasn’t anyone there. There was also no dinner or sign of any event hosting preparations. A dark feeling started to dawn on me. 

So we’re making small talk with this lady and I ask when everyone is coming. She asks what I mean. Turns out we were at the wrong house. The woman just thought we were friends of her husband’s because he would often randomly bring people home, and that we had simply arrived before he did. We left and never mentioned to anyone at the real party that we had been in another house on the way there.

LeafyQ

55. Plenty of Fish in the Sea

Me and the wife were out on the lake fishing when all of a sudden, I felt a vicious rumbling in my gut. My stomach was killing and I was about to poop my pants. I looked around and noticed we were nowhere near a dock, and there was nobody else on the water. So I looked my wife in the eye and told her I was sorry and loved her very much.

I then proceeded to hang my behind over the side of the boat and do my business. It was over quite quickly thankfully. My wife passed me a few old receipts from her purse so I could wipe. She told me she still loved me.

Kinhammer

56. It’s Not a Big Deal

I was at a funeral for one of my husband’s relatives. On my way in, an employee of the funeral home asked me when I was due. I wasn’t pregnant, but I am fat and was wearing an empire waistcoat, so I wasn’t offended. As I signed the guestbook, I corrected her and tried to defuse the situation with a joke about burning that coat later. She only made it ten times worse. 

She just. wouldn’t. stop. She kept trying to apologize and explain herself and I just wanted to run away. Then I was stuck in a small room with her for the next two hours.

two__sheds

57. Top-Down Approach

I once accidentally saw my friend’s mom topless. We don’t talk about it. It was very weird going to his house the next day, I could not make eye contact with her after that.

dontknowhowtoprogram

58. A Seller’s Market

I like trying out new and different things sometimes to keep “sexy time” with my wife fresh and interesting. One time, I thought it would be fun to write her a letter requesting that when I get home that night, she is to be on all fours wearing a certain less than modest garment. So I place the letter on the kitchen counter before leaving the house, expecting her to see it and follow the instructions by the time I get back.

Around 3:00 pm, my wife and I receive a group message. Turns out our landlord (who we gave permission to always come in as he wished, he was a great old guy) stopped by to show off the house to a buyer. I don’t connect the dots or think anything of it. I’m still expecting sexy time. Eventually, she comes home, sees the letter, but also sees the kitchen sink was fixed.

No sexy time. She is convinced he, or they, read the letter. She is not an exhibitionist apparently. I still to this day can’t look my ex-landlord in the eye without laughing.

Billiamohoughie

Notifications factsKristina Dimovska | Factinate

59. Siri, Never Let Me Show My Face at Work Again

I was riding in the car with a coworker when my wife texted. Told Siri to read the message out. Huge mistake. It turns out she had texted to whine and complain to me about how I was constantly leaving a ton of pubic hairs in the shower drain and needed to stop from now on. Suffice it to say this was not exactly my proudest moment…

KiwiCandle

60. Till Death Do Us Part…or Not

When my best friend died, we figured he would have liked a “sky burial” of sorts. So at the height of the funeral party, we released his ashes into heavens with a giant balloon. After a few meters of flight, the string snapped and his remains rained down and covered the mourning crowd. Everyone made their best efforts to get very drunk as soon as possible.

DraftyPelican

61. Oh. My. Gosh.

I worked the most amazing wedding ever! The marriage didn’t last 6 hours! I was bartending for the reception. Everything seemed pretty typical and standard as guests arrived, drank, and conversed. Everything was going as per usual for a wedding—until the best man finished his speech and the food began to be served.

The groom grabbed the mic after the best man’s toast and wished everyone a great night and a nice meal. That’s when everything fell apart. After his well wishes, he asked for the attention of his best man and bride. He told them that he knew they were hooking up behind his back for the entirety of the engagement, and that he would be filing for an annulment on Monday.

He thanked everyone for coming, and apologized to the father of the bride saying, “I would have called it off weeks ago, but I figured you would be way more mad at your little princess when you couldn’t get out of the bill for the reception.” He turned to his wife and said, “Screw you”, then turned to his best friend and said, “From what I overheard, I’m better in bed!”

Mic dropped, groom out the door, absolute chaos. Me and my fellow bartender looked on in amazement. We had to go into the kitchen to die of laughter. Bride ran directly to the bathroom both furious and inconsolable, bridesmaids running after her. Mother, aunts, and about 20 other women tried breaking into the bathroom which she apparently locked herself in.

She refused to come out until everyone left. The best man made a run for the door, only to be followed by his parents who had the most saddening look of disgust on their faces. He made it out the door. He got in a cab with his family. Apparently his mother was crying from the moment he was outed until they left the facility. He was gone with his family in a matter of minutes.

The Brides father went from complete disbelief–anger–rage–tears, all in a matter of minutes. Nobody would say a word to him. Friends tried to approach and he pushed everyone away. He kept his composure better than most would from what I saw and heard. Just kind of faded to the back and tried to apologize as people gathered their things and left.

Weeks later, I found out that my boss did give him a big break on the bill. The crowd was like a group of zombies walking out the door. Quiet whispers and shuffling feet–with looks of horror on their faces. I remember one guy started laughing, and his SO hit him with a purse. That place was cleared out in about 15 minutes.

Awkward Wedding factsPixabay

62. All I Can Say Is “Wow”

I accidentally farted very loudly at my grandmother’s funeral in the middle of her sister’s eulogy speech. I was 17. Everyone heard it, yet no one has ever acknowledged that it happened.

I_love_prostitutes

63. Accidents Happen

I peed myself on my friend’s bed once out of nowhere during a sleepover. I reacted in the worst way possible. I just went back to sleep because I didn’t know what to do. When we both woke up again, it had dried and she casually told me that the stain on that bed was from when she went to bed with her hair wet one time.

But it was on my side, and hadn’t been there before. I don’t know what her reason for offering that explanation was, but I know it was me and I still feel awful about it.

dogswithgunz

64. Unluckily, He’s a Family Guy

I served for a couple of years and worked multiple restaurants in that time frame. I worked at a Denny’s, nightshift—best and worst job for many reasons. There was a regular that came in often, drunk as a skunk and nasty as heck. He tipped really well but was so nasty to us girls. It never phased me, so I served him often.

He offered many, many times to pay for “extra service” and tried to get me to leave with him often. Very, very often. Of course, I never did but a couple of months later, I’m working at a new place, a little more high-end. I work mornings there, and this was a Sunday morning church rush. Guess who was sat in my section?

My nasty regular from my last job with his entire family. His wife, kids, parents, the whole group, fresh outta church. The look on this man’s face when I walked up and said hello. He was red as a firetruck, and I made it worse by asking if he remembered me. He left me a HUGE tip, probably because I didn’t bring up his nasty mouth and grabby hands from his late drunken nights.

piggly94

65. So Much for Privacy Settings

I was interviewing for a big promotion at my old job. I had put in the time, the hours, and the effort for this promotion, and I had been passed up a few times, so I was sending out resumes while trying to get this promotion. I go through the first interview, and everything seemed great. They invited me for the second interview.

I was so excited. I should have been very scared. Flash forward two days, and I go in for the interview. The interview is with the regional and site managers. Everything is going great, they are asking me, “What are your priorities, goals, etc.” At the end, the site manager changes his posture and says, “Would you say that you’re a loyal employee?”

Taken aback, I say, of course, I’ve been here almost two years, etc. And like a shark circling his prey, this dude turns his computer monitor around, and shows me my PRIVATE Facebook posts that I posted that I was in the market for a job in the same field. Now, there’s no way he could have seen this, as it was a friends-only post.

Someone I work with had to have tattled on me here. He then proceeds to read them to me out loud, not only the posts about my job search, but personal posts about my health situation and questions that I didn’t bring up to anybody other than personal friends. I look at the regional manager and this guy won’t look me in the eyes, he is shifting, obviously uncomfortable.

I tried to say that I was looking just in case this promotion didn’t work out, as I am a college student paying my way through school, but he kept interrupting me and saying, “Loyalty is key.” He then tells me, “We will think about it,” and points toward the door. The regional manager kind of coughs and goes to shake my hand, but by that point, I was already out the door.

So I said “Thanks anyway,” and then proceed to have the most uncomfortable walk back to my desk—I was wearing heels for the first time in like a year so I stumbled on my way out the door—with coworkers asking for the details if I got the promotion. I didn’t get the job. I think the whole thing was just an “in your face” type deal.

I went on to get a promotion in a different department. I worked there for about another year and a half, and then I moved on to work for Netflix, actually. So, it all worked out! That manager was unfortunately promoted to regional, but the replacement manager was much nicer and not a huge jerk.

nessabessa34

66. Ever Feel Like You’re Being Watched?

One time in college, I snuck into my RA’s room and hid under the blanket on his top bunk. My goal was to scare him when he came in and settled down a bit. He ended up coming in with his girlfriend and began making out with her. After a good (lifetime) couple moments, I jumped up and ran out. No saving it.

RobboBanano

67. I Hope You Were Taking Notes

It wasn’t me, but my professor used to have his laptop hooked up to the projector up in front of the class. While he was going through a presentation one day, a text popped up on his screen from a woman and all it said was “I have herpes.” He stopped connecting his laptop to the projector after that.

deadbeatwhiner

Notifications factsKristina Dimovska | Factinate

68. Pardon My French

I mean, I live in Canada and I’m half French Canadian, so I have lots of stories about this kind of thing happening. Nevertheless, the best one was kind of the reverse. My dad did something so horrible, it caused a public scene. He once yelled out to me in the middle of a crowded grocery store that he was “Bleeding from [his] butthole and had to go to the bathroom!”

He did it in French, thinking that no one around him would understand. Like, literally no fewer than three people immediately turned around with awful looks on their faces as he uneventfully walked away. Why my father came to the conclusion that nobody would happen to understand French in Canada, I’ll truly never know.

I just shrugged the whole thing off. What can you do? The guy has hemorrhoids and no sense of shame—it’s not my fault!  Either way, all those poor people now have to live with that image from now on…

dialinga481

69. Failing Royally

At a British airport shortly after the death of Princess Diana, there was a minute of silence in honor of her memory. At that precise moment, my girlfriend did the worst thing possible. She burst into uncomfortable laughter. It was so infectious that I ended up in fits of laughter. Honestly, I still feel bad about it to this day.

arranblue

70. Vape and Escape

Oh god. At my cousin’s wedding, her maid-of-honor was a complete and utter mess who said she wasn’t going to give a speech, then drank a bunch and insisted on it. She stood up and opened up her phone to the “notes” section and just started reading down this list of memories and then going off on tangents and then going back to the phone and saying “Whoops! lost my place. Where was I?”

Her stories were AWFUL. They were about how she loved my cousin so much and hated the guy she married and how she thought he’d ruin their friendship, but she learned to tolerate him. It went on and on until one of my aunts started clinking her fork against her glass to get her to shut up and everyone started doing it and the DJ had to come and turn off the microphone.

So this girl sits down, crying, and opens her little purse and pulls out one of those GIANT vape pens and takes a big pull and then just chucks a massive cloud in the face of the groom. It was amazing.

knutmeg

71. Take My Hand

In the cinema. I interlocked my fingers with the kid sitting beside me for a full minute. Turns out, he wasn’t my kid.

immathrowaway456

72. Harden That T

Got on an elevator with a woman and she had on these really nice boots so I complimented them by saying “nice boots.” She cups her breasts and says “Well you’re not shy, thank you they’re real” and then immediately realized I said boots. She thought I said “nice boobs.” Longest elevator ride ever. To this day whenever I say boots in any context, I do so with a very hard, deliberate T.

paypermon

73. Revisionist History

Last week, I was in the separate bathroom at work, “pooping” and just buying some time until the end of the day (there wasn’t much to do). I accidentally had the door unlocked and this coworker opened it and saw me on the toilet. I didn’t know what to say, so I just said “Hi!?.” Before the end of the day, I told him that whatever that was didn’t happen.

KekFilA

74. Trouble in Paradise

A woman at a gas station didn’t know how to put air in her tires so I helped her because I wanted to put air in my tires and didn’t want to wait all day to do it. She called her husband on speaker phone to let him know she found some nice man to help her air her tires, I guess just because she wanted to tell him about her day. His response was utterly disturbing. 

I hear him call her an idiot and say that I’m only helping her because I want to sleep with her and where does she get off talking to other men. She stammered and tried to explain that nothing was going on between us. After she got off the phone she looked at me as if her husband just caught her screwing me and got in her car and left.

No thank you, no nothing. And for some reason, I felt guilty for even helping her out. Jesus, I feel awkward just thinking about it.

tyrshand90

75. Wrong Butt

I groped a man’s butt a few months ago at a sporting goods store. He was dressed and looked exactly like my fiance. And to make it worse, I grabbed both freaking cheeks and whispered: “Hey sexy, got a girlfriend?” Guy spun around, looked shocked, saw my mortified red face and I started apologizing profusely to him.

My fiance finds me mortified, I tell him I just groped some guy that could be his twin, he thought it was funny. They stood side by side after we cleared it up, they were practically twins. Hair, coat, pants, and shoes. Still creeps me out.

genesis8181

76. Not Every Achievement Needs to Be Aired

At one wedding, the bride’s older brother gave a speech where he talked about how he changed her diaper when she was a baby. He then told the groom that because of this, he (the brother) “saw her first.” It was super gross and cringy.

ironicstickballoon

77. Not What Anyone Was Expecting

I’m a translator at a hospital. I followed a nurse into a room where the patient was waiting. Now, I know nothing about the patient—I’m only there to translate what the nurse says, so when the nurse says “You’re pregnant!”, I gave a huge smile and went “estas embarazada!!!!” in as exciting a manner as you can imagine. It backfired so badly.

The patient stares in shock for a second, then bursts into tears. The nurse stammers a bit, and then goes “no bueno?”… The news we had to give was bad enough, but the fact that I thought it was supposed to be a happy announcement made it ten times more cringeworthy!

VampireFaun

78. Nipple Trouble

When I was a teenager, my friends and I would spend the weekends staying up late playing video games and eating junk food. I was also a cross country runner, and on this particular night, I was experiencing some extreme chafing from a long run earlier that day. While we were at the gas station getting Doritos and energy drinks I announced to who I thought was my friend, “Man, my nipples really hurt.”

Upon realizing it was a complete stranger with whom I had just shared this intimate detail I simply stared at him and said “You’re not my friend” and walked away. I didn’t go back to that gas station for a long time.

firstblindmouse

79. Audible and Deadly

I tried to release a silent fart near an empty aisle in a supermarket. The fart was not silent. And I wasn’t alone…

Riz8

80. Poorly Handled

Without thinking, I once tried to shake an amputee’s hand. He stuck out his arm in a non-offended way to show that he was unable to shake my hand, and to diffuse the situation with only minimal amounts of awkwardness. Then I made it so much worse. For some reason, I took this as a gesture to shake his handless arm which resulted in uneasy laughs and goodbyes.

SunLuv

81. The Groomsman and the Phantom Womb

Went as a date to a wedding of a family I didn’t know. The younger brother of the groom caused the ceremony to be 20 minutes late. They were running behind and getting no response from him, so they started the ceremony. He came in in the middle of their vows and announced “Sorry I’m late, but I just found out that me and his girlfriend are having a baby!”

No one said anything, and someone told him to sit down and be quiet. After the wedding ended, I asked my friend what that was about and she told me that the brother was a known attention-seeker and everyone was sick of his garbage. A few weeks later she gave me another update straight from the groom. There was no girlfriend, and no baby either. He’d made it up.

checkoutthismoth

82. Incoming!

When I was about 13 I went on a school trip which included a boat ride. It was a windy day and the sea was rough, so like most of my friends, I got extremely seasick. The toilets were full of puking school kids so when it was my turn to churn I found a space along the rail and let loose. I aimed down at the sea but the wind whipped my vomit about 20 feet horizontally straight over a middle-aged man who was enjoying the sea air.

As I watched in horror, he registered that he was being spattered with something, but it was only when my second wave hit that our eyes met and I saw his face change from confusion to horror. I had no words, just more vomit, so he hurried off—presumably to clean himself. Thankfully I didn’t see him again but I’m sure I ruined his day.

Georgeisthecoolest

83. Poor Choice of Words

My son had small Toy Story figurines but wanted big ones for Christmas. I walked into Toy R Us and asked the male clerk, “Do you have a large Woody?” He turned bright red. I wheeled around and marched out and didn’t go back for months.

StarbugRedDwarf

84. That’s What I Call a Death Drop

At one wedding I attended, the bride’s aunt died on the dance floor while dancing. She fell down, and the DJ stopped the music until EMS arrived. They took her away, and when the music resumed, the DJ selected Bryan Adams’ “Heaven” as the next song. I still remember the looks people were giving him.

MoreCowbellllll

85. Slap Happy

When I was a kid I liked to extend my arm fully out of the window to feel the wind. On one occasion I was riding with my dad who lived in the city and we were driving down a particularly narrow street with two lanes. As usual, I had my arm hanging out of the window and I ended up SLAPPING an older gentleman right in the face in the car next to us as we drove by.

But the embarrassment wasn’t over yet. He immediately started shouting at me and I began rolling up the window (non-automatic window) as quickly as my little hands would roll.

audiobird

86. Clap Your Hands!

My 4-year-old daughter stood up at my grandpa’s funeral to try and sing a hymn, but didn’t know the words—so she started singing ”If You’re Happy and You Know It.” Funny thing is, my grandpa would have been the first to laugh at that.

antwan666

87. Look out Below

I was walking through the shopping mall in my home town, looking at some clothes in the windows. I’m just minding my own business and turn around with a bit of arm-swinging. Well, my arm swung directly into the groin of a complete stranger. The guy slumped down, moaning in pain. I couldn’t even say sorry. I just walked away as innocent looking as I could.

molotov0815

88. Help Yourself Why Don’t You

I was at a wedding reception at a golf course once and thought the entire patio was filled with wedding guests. Drunk and hungry, I also thought all the food at the tables was wedding appetizers. Turns out there were regular country club members on the patio as well. Feeling social, I sat at one of the tables, started eating part of their shrimp cocktail appetizer and chatting them up.

Then I realized the awkward truth. Unfortunately, they weren’t part of the wedding, and I was stealing their food. I probably sat there for ten minutes until I understood what was happening. It was horrible.

DonkeyPunchTheGalaxy

89. Right in the Schnoz

The most awkward moment of my life thus far was with a stranger. I was in the Quebec airport going through customs with my family. Because of some recent changes to their system they didn’t have everyone in a line, but instead in a large pen where they would release ~50 people at a time (chaos). When my family is at the front, they release us and everyone is running forward in a mass trying to get to the kiosks.

Next to me is a tall Swedish man trying to get his family a kiosk, he is running forward and waving his arm behind him in a “come on” motion—clearly frantic. Well, somehow the worlds aligned where his middle and pointer fingers went perfectly into my two nose holes. Perfectly, as he then ripped his arm upwards to motion his family forward, my nose was also ripped forward, and I immediately began bleeding—everywhere.

He looked at me in horror, my family looked at me in frustration as we needed to get to a kiosk, the customs agents looked at me in bewilderment. The language barriers made the situation all the more awkward.

craftznquiltz

90. Mum’s Not the Word

I was with my mum buying flowers at a florist for a New Year’s Eve party. The florist was obviously a very lonely woman and wouldn’t stop going on about how she isn’t doing anything for New Year’s and how it’s so nice we have friends to visit, to the point where it became really saddening. My mother obviously really felt for her.

Every now and again, maybe twice a year, she has a brain fart and accidentally says what she is thinking. That day was one of those rare days. After paying for the flowers, my mum said “Thanks! Hope you find a friend soon!” I look at her in shock, the woman looks at her in shock, but my mom reacted in the most embarrassing way possible. 

She gasps, apologizes, and literally backs out of the store. God, it was so awkward.

iamsoveryverytired

91. Irresponsible Faculty Meeting

One of my favorite moments:

I walk into the school office to check my mailbox. A parent of one of my students sees me and says very loudly, almost screaming, “Oh, FINALLY!!!! LOOK, EVERYONE, I FOUND A TEACHER!!! Do you realize that I left work EARLY to come here after school to talk to my son’s teachers about his report card, and you are LITERALLY the ONLY teacher I have found?!!! I went from classroom to classroom and everyone is GONE!!! Do you know what time it is?!! It’s 3:45 pm! School ended FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO!!! FIFTEEN MINUTES!!!! And you’re the ONLY teacher STILL HERE!!!! CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO ME WHY EVERYONE IS GONE?! CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO ME WHY EVERY TEACHER HAS LEFT THE BUILDING WHEN SCHOOL JUST GOT OUT?!!!!”

I paused, waiting to see if there was more. When I realized he had finished, I said, “All the teachers are in the library. We’re having a faculty meeting.” The look on his face was priceless. He knew he was in the wrong, but by that point, he had committed so fiercely to his anger and righteousness that he couldn’t just apologize. So he said, “Well that’s just irresponsible.” And he walked out of the office.

woolyboy76

92. Her Own Secret Admirer

My cousin’s friend came over to stay for a few weeks. She was very vain and before she left, she wrote a note to my uncle (who is friendly to everyone). It was the most awkward letter ever. In it, she’s saying how she had to sadly reject him, even though she knows how much he is secretly in love with her. We all found the note together after she left addressed to him (he was with us and opened in front of us).

He was creeped out.

Plainbench

93. A Romantic Evening

I once tried to make love in a hotel bathtub. The bathroom was very small, there were no lights, and the faucet was leaking. Also, our golden retriever walked into the room and decided to come sit with us—and entered the bathtub while the act was going on. It was definitely one of the weirdest nights of my life, and is never to be spoken of again.

cmurdah

94. Not Everything Is Better out Than in

I do a workout camp with a group of people. I just started in January along with this other girl, Natalie. From our first work out, there was something about her that kinda rubbed me the wrong way. She struck me as the girl who would make the meeting last longer because she won’t shut up. A couple of weeks in, she missed a workout or two. Well, the following week, she was back.

Camp was done, I had become friends with this woman, Susan. She and I were walking back to our mats, but I got ahead of her and that’s when Natalie, out of nowhere, accosts Susan. Literally what she says is, “Yeah, so, I was on my way to camp on Friday and I thought I had to fart, so I did…and I wound up pooping myself.” All Susan could say was a shocked “Oh…no.” Because why the heck is she sharing this?

But Natalie wasn’t done just yet. Not by a long shot. “Yeah, and I don’t know if it was because of the smell or actually being sick, but I wound up throwing up, too. So, I had to drive home in my own diarrhea and vomit. Charles had to clean the car. It was awful.” Susan said she was glad she was feeling better, Natalie left.

I asked Susan, “Did you do anything to welcome that?!” Susan yelled “NO!!!!” And then we cackled because OH MY GOD. Several months later, we were at camp when Natalie walks up to me while I’m sitting on the ground, turns around, sticks her butt in my face, and says, “Can you tell my pants are wet?” I said no. And that’s when she told me she thought she could hold it but peed herself on her way there cuz she sneezed…and then she says, “Well, if you smell something, it’s probably me.”

Sweet god.

alpacasandwine

 95. Kiss and Break up

My husband and I were invited to his friend’s wedding last summer. They’ve known each other for a decade, went to college together and now work with each other. The wedding was lovely, and they had an open bar before dinner. During the reception, they were doing this game where everyone had to stop eating to watch each table answer trivia questions about the bride and groom or whatever.

Our table got it wrong, which meant spinning a wheel to get a punishment. Things like do a dance, etc. So, the wheel lands on “kiss.” The groom thinks he’s going to be funny and picks my husband, and after a lot of thought, another of their college friends. My husband hasn’t seen this dude in over ten years. They made brief eye contact and nodded at each other. The groom went pale.

Then BOOM, my husband and this other dude launch into each other’s arms and start kissing. Sloppy, noisy, face licking, grabbing, making out maybe 20 feet from the grandparents’ table. The other guy’s wife and I were cheering them on. The best man was collapsed laughing on the table. The groom could only watch in open-mouthed horror. The bride was furious.

The pictures are amazing, though.

two__sheds

96. Slapping the Teacher

This happened in grade nine. I don’t know why but me and my friends would play this stupid game where we would try to sneak up on each other and slap the back of our heads as “our way” of saying hey. I spotted my buddy Rhys at the end of the hall and snuck up the best I could and wound up a home run slapper. It all went so wrong so fast. 

He noticed last second and ducked. I ended up slapping the heck out of my teacher’s boob as she turned the corner. After the slap, it felt like time was frozen. Kids in the hall all just stopped what they were doing and the teacher just kind of stood there in shock. I was so embarrassed I cried. In the hall. Surrounded by kids from my grade.

Then I got sent to the principal’s office, where I got a one day in school suspension for “hitting a teacher.” I think the punishment was so light because the teacher felt sorry for me. The phone call to my parents explaining what happened sucked. My mom was just disappointed in me—in some ways that just made it worse—and my dad just kept laughing.

I got called “boobie” for two years. I’m 23 now, but my friends still bring up that story.

albatross49

Ground Had Swallowed Them factsKristina Dimovska | Factinate

97. Her Special Day Was Special, Alright!

My best friend’s wedding. As his soon-to-wife was being walked down the aisle by her father, he managed to trip on her wedding dress, theatrically spin around, grab the hat off someone’s head as he clutched at anything to hold on to, and pull his daughter down on top of him, breaking her nose with his forehead in the process.

Everyone, of course, rushed to their aid. Me, on the other hand—I fell to the ground absolutely laughing my head off. As she was being rushed away, I was still rolling on the ground laughing while everyone just stared at me. Just because I was the best man, doesn’t mean I’m a good man. The video still gets pulled out from time to time and I still lose my mind every time.

ask_me_if_Im_lying

98. Good Grief

My mother and I were out walking and we came across an older couple we knew from the local church. Their eldest son had died the previous year from an inoperable brain tumor, and their younger son just moved out for university. Mum starts with, “Must be nice to have the house to yourself! More time for Church!”

The conversation devolves from there. She ignores all hints to drop the subject, including the mother stating they hadn’t been back to the church since their son died. The couple were obviously horrified. I couldn’t end the convo quick enough. Afterward, my mother told me I was just being immature and had no conception of what “polite adult conversation” was like.

HappinessIsAPotato

99. Caught Red-Handed

My then boyfriend had let me use his iPad to watch a movie on Netflix. He had his messenger account linked to both his tablet and his phone, and messages kept popping up on it while I was watching without him realizing I could see. I got to watch in real time as he got his best friend’s wife to agree to sleep with him over the coming holiday weekend; with the promise that he’d get rid of me for that weekend so they could get intimate in our bed.

hoocares

Notifications factsKristina Dimovska | Factinate

100. Family Friends With Benefits

I have a regular breakfast place that I had been frequenting on the weekends for about a good five or six years. One day I went into work later because of a doctor’s appointment, so I decided to pick up some breakfast at my regular place. I walk in and I take a look around to find a spot to sit at and I see my dad. As soon as I saw him, I had a bad gut feeling.

He’s sitting in a corner spot with some woman I don’t recognize. He looked shocked and I decided to walk over. He stands up and gives me a kiss/hug and introduces her as a coworker. It was the most awkward introduction of my life. My dad was an AC Repairman and was strictly on the road. No women in his office.

I pretended like I believed him, said hello and sat down on my own. Definitely one of the most awkward moments of my life that will stand out for a long time. More background: My mom and dad haven’t been together since before I was born however, he was married to another woman when this took place.

The waitresses were all my friends and a couple of days later when I went for breakfast, they proceeded to tell me how he met that lady there every week. I never brought it up to him and pretended it never happened. That was about 14 years ago…I still go to that breakfast place and the girls told me after that day he never came back to that restaurant.

In a couple of weeks, it will be one year since he passed. I’m glad I got this opportunity to think and talk about him.

StumpedatUserName

Sources: 1, 2, 34, 56, 7, 8910, 11, 1213, 1415, 16, 1718, 1920, 21, 22


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