“There are shades of schadenfreude. My favorite shade is bright red, from a haughty spanking.”—Jarod Kintz.
A loanword from the German language, “schadenfreude” describes the act of taking of pleasure in someone else’s pain. Not limited to mere physical pain, the best (and most common) schadenfreude derives from that sweet public humiliation. The feeling doesn’t reflect humans at their best, but at least these Redditors were honest when asked to spill their most juicy tales of joy… at someone else’s expense.
There were the scary schoolyard (or office) bullies who fell on hard times (an American folktale shared in comfort at this point). There were the scornful exes who looked elsewhere for love and returned with nothing. There were also bad drivers who made a wrong turn at Just Desserts Highway. Schadenfreude comes in all shapes and sizes. Laugh at these 42 delicious tales of delightful, well-deserved pain.
40. None of Your Doggone Dirty Business
My first job in NYC was at a pet food place. I was a brand rep for a local company, and I had to bug everyone who came in, trying to get them to buy one of our $3 sampler packs. I wasn’t allowed to give samples out, which is stupid—dogs will eat their own poop, so of course they’d eat our specially engineered, plant-infused, loose-stool-fixing treats, which would make their owners pick up a few bags, etc. But usually, people just said, “No thanks.”
One day I have to share a table with a rep from a rival company who’s passing out free samples left and right. Goes without saying she’s selling way more than I am. Finally, a woman comes in with two prissy little pugs in matching pink bows. I make my speech, she ignores me. The rival rep throws a few treats down; the dogs, of course, gobble them up. The lady says, “OK, I guess I’ll get a few packs.”
As she goes to check out, a quiet sound fills the store:
hork hork hork
We all look. It’s unmistakable. But we’re too late to stop it.
hork hork hork
The first pug projectile-vomits all over the second pug. The second pug projectile-vomits all over the rival dog-food rep. The woman slowly takes back the credit card she was handing over and rushes out of the store, her puke-covered dogs trailing behind.
The rival rep had to clean all the puke. I had to go outside I was laughing so hard.
Maybe this counts. My wife was sick one morning and I went out to get her medicine and return a DVD to a RedBox machine. There was a couple with their child browsing the movies. After waiting five minutes patiently, I told them that my wife was sick and asked if I could quickly return my movie since it would only take about 15 seconds. In a very rude tone, the wife told me that I could just wait my turn.
I wait a couple of minutes and the child starts crying because the vending machine does not have Gnomeo and Juliet and he doesn’t want to watch Cars 2 again.
I then turn to the wife and show her that I was here to return Gnomeo and Juliet, but I can’t wait for them any longer since my wife is sick, and I have until 9:00 pm to return it. I hopped into my car as the kid falls to the ground in a screaming, kicking temper tantrum.
38. Jack and Jill Went up the Hill…
At a large outdoor music festival: It had rained the previous night, and the concert grounds were very muddy. To get to the porta-johns or beer tents you had to walk down a rather steep/dark decline to where rainwater had pooled in a culvert, before climbing up the other side to the vending area. On my way down the hill, I took a bad spill and was covered in mud. Angrily wiping myself off, I began to notice that everyone seemed to be falling down the hill as I had. After finally procuring some beer, my friend and I decided to just sit on the hill and watch people fall.
The hill turned out to be far more entertaining than the concert, so we sat there for more than an hour watching the seemingly endless stream of victims make their approach. Must have seen 300+ people take a digger on that hill. Funniest night ever.
37. High But Not Dry
A few years ago, I was in college, walking down the sidewalk to my next class. It had just finished raining heavily, and the road was punctuated by very large puddles. So, not a drop was falling, and I’m walking down the sidewalk, umbrella in hand. Just an average Joe.
Coming my way are a group of four girls, very pretty, but really snobby-looking. The type who are so conceited, if you glance in their general direction, they’re already sneering at you as if you’re checking them out. So as they’re nearing me, I see a large, rusted pickup truck barreling my way down the road, at high speed…
Puddles. Redneck. People on the sidewalk…
I suddenly realized what’s going to happen.
I immediately drop to a crouch, open my umbrella to the side facing the road. The girls are probably five feet in front of me. One of them says, in that snobby-girl voice, “Um, what the hell are you doing?” The other ones start laughing in chorus…
The truck swerves into the puddle, throwing a freaking ten-foot typhoon of muddy water up onto the sidewalk!
The truck blares its horn, continuing on its merry way. I can’t believe it. NOT A DROP had touched me. My dork-looking ninja move had saved me.
The girls were all covered head to toe in filthy, college town muddy ditch water, soaked, hair all messed up, clothes stained, snotty looks frozen in astonishment.
Without missing a beat, I stand up and flatly state, “Keeping dry.”
It was the most epic moment I have ever had.
36. Hang 10 on the Highway
Driving three hours to a wedding in a snowstorm. I am a passenger in my friends’ vehicle and he pulls off the highway at a rest stop to use the bathroom. It’s snowing hard and the entire parking lot is empty and has about ten inches of snow on it.
We drive right through the middle of the lot and end up hitting a curb with the entire left side of the vehicle. Luckily, we were in a large Dodge RAM 2500 pickup and traveling about ten mph, so it was a minor bump. He gets out and goes inside, my other buddy and I get out to have a smoke.
As we’re standing there smoking, we see a minivan come flying through the lot… probably going at least 30-40mph and they were headed right for the curb we barely hit. It was like it was happening in slow motion, all my buddy said was “Oh darn, he’s heading right for it…”
He hit it square with both front tires and the van launched in the air like it was straight out of a movie. Came down hard on the front end… there just had to be damage. Guy sees us smoking and tries to play it cool like we didn’t just see him launch his vehicle in the air. We’re doing our best not to laugh our asses off. As he was walking to the restroom he looked back slightly, checking for damage. That’s when I lost it.
35. Parting Gifts
My soon-to-be-finalized ex-wife got a DUI while out with the dude she left me for, less than a week after she dropped the news and moved out. Also, within a week of the DUI, I enjoyed giving her the news that legally I’ll get to keep the house, both vehicles, and am not required to pay her back anything from the $10k her parents gave me for the house down-payment years ago (from before we were married).
Within a month, she went from married with a great combined income in a nice house in a nice neighborhood driving a 2010 Jetta to living with her parents (at age 31), lacking any vehicle, and credit card debt almost equal to her meager public teacher annual salary. Ahhh, too bad…
34. Not Paying Doesn’t Pay
When I was going through a divorce because my wife cheated on me, I allowed her to remain on my health insurance as long as she paid me monthly for the bill until the divorce was finalized. She never paid me, and I had her removed the month before the divorce was final.
She had a huge nose and convinced some crooked plastic surgeon to do a nose job and bill it to the insurance as a “deviated septum” surgery. She was left with a $6,000 bill to pay but would have gotten away with it had she sent me a grand total of $270 for three months of health insurance.
33. Sorry to Drop in
My brother and I (like, nine and 11, maybe?) were waiting in line for a pony ride when this woman shoved us out of the way so her kid could get in front of us. While I was standing there imagining feeding the lady to a pony, blamo! Bird poops on her head. If she hadn’t shoved us, that would’ve been me.
32. Deadbeat Dad
My ex-husband quit his 120k a year pharmacist job because he “didn’t like doing it” (real reason is he got fired for stealing narcotics and is now blacklisted in that town). He has been unemployed for over two years. He lives in his parents’ basement and doesn’t even have enough gas money to come see his kids. Ever.
We haven’t seen or heard from him in three months. We only know what he’s up to by his Facebook status updates. Apparently, he has some girlfriend who moved several hundred miles away from where he lives. He is constantly lamenting trying to save up money to visit her (I’m not even angry about his lack of support or attempts to save up money to see his two daughters).
I just sit back and enjoy watching his crummy life as it just gets worse and worse. Meanwhile, our kids and I are living a great life. Screw him.
31. You Can Always Depend on Your Smash Bros
I’m out drinking at a run-of-the-mill Irish college bar in Boston, having a good time with some friends. We’re in the middle of the fairly crowded room, just talking over the loud music. A random (drunk) dude comes up behind me and gooses my bottom. I turn around and he gets in my face and just stares at me wordlessly with wide, angry eyes, then pushes me in the chest.
Now, fighting is not generally my thing, and getting thrown out of bars isn’t either, but not seeing any other choice, I take a step backward, then forward and give him a really good shove to the chest right back. He flies back about four or five feet but remained standing. I prepare to fight, in anticipation of his charge back at me. The most awesome thing ever happens. Before he can rush me, five guys I have never seen before melt right out of the crowd around this guy, circle him like a pack of hyenas and start beating him up. They all get thrown out, and I finish the night with my friends.
30. Not a Big Fan
At most sporting events you will encounter some of the worst kind of people humanity has to offer. Most are decent people just looking to let go and have a good time with friends, usually heavily intoxicated. But some people, whether it be due to the excess alcohol or them just being walking piles of trash, take it too far.
One guy and his buddies I remember at a hockey game were the worst. Occasional drunken outbursts are some of the most entertaining aspects of attending, but this guy was just in it for the attention. Through the entire first period he is a nonstop torrent of cussing and stupid ranting, loud and proud.
Eventually a father with his two young son tells him to shut it. He pulls the whole tough guy act, glaring him down and trying to goad him into a confrontation with his buddies all backing him up. A security guard making rounds was already watching him and tells him to sit down and, rather comically, to “watch his freaking mouth.” He relents but he does so in a mocking way, still being loud and replacing cuss words with less offensive ones. Taking the time to shoot an occasional glare at the father.
He and his buddies disappear towards the end of the second period. Just when we start to think he got his dumb butt kicked out, he comes stumbling back beer in hand with only one of his buddies. As he makes his way up the steps to his seats, you could tell he was struggling. He climbs about 15 or so steps and tries to switch up his beer-holding hand.
Just as someone yells “Don’t mess up!” his readjustment destroys his already tenuous balance and he topples backwards. He spills his beer all over himself, rolls over his smaller friend, down all the steps, and landing at the feet of the security guard who spoke to him earlier. His fall and subsequent ejection got the loudest applause of the night.
29. Just for Kicks
I was a high school sophomore at my first “real” party. Feeling dorky and talking to some girls I knew from a class. This muscle-head comes up to me, parts the girls with his hands and punches me for no reason other than he was drunk and wanted to make his friends laugh. They all did.
I stay around for another ten minutes trying to regain any shreds of dignity. I then decide to just get out of there.
On my way out, muscle head is lying on the front walkway next to a cracked concrete planter. Apparently, he’d decided he could kick it. Six weeks on crutches for a broken foot.
28. Too Young for Mercy
Here’s mine: When I was 13 years old, I was awkward, introverted and had low self-esteem, I was also dealing with a stressful home life. Lucky me, I was bullied by a classmate.
He wasn’t that much bigger than me, but he had a gang of fellow bullies/toadies that would always hang around and would join in on the intimidation tactics if anyone dared stand up to him. We had three or four classes together, so he found it entertaining to do things like trip me, punch me, spit in my face, kick me in the balls, threaten me, tell me how worthless I was, steal my homework and school supplies, rip my clothes, etc. every freaking day often several times a day.
I complained to the school and the teachers, but the most they did was make him sit on the other side of the classroom from me. Meanwhile, at home, my parents are constantly fighting and getting ready for divorce proceedings.
School year ends, but I have a crummy summer because I anticipate I’ll have to face this jerk the coming school year. The school year starts and like the previous year, the bullying starts anew. Two months into the year, I hear on the morning news that Mr. Bully’s father gets in an argument with Mr. Bully’s Mom and shoots and kills her.
Consequently, the bullying stopped, and I didn’t see much of him after that. I suppose I should have felt bad for him, but I didn’t. Not at all.
27. Moving on Down
I was at the gym running on the track when I spotted a girl on one of those huge Stairmasters with the escalator-type stairs. She slipped and fell, but instead of letting go, she hung on for a while… she was bouncing up and down in pain like a cartoon.
I had to stop running because I was laughing so hard.
26. Run for the Sugar
I was sitting on the porch of my mom’s house when the ice cream truck came through the neighborhood. The kid down the street (fat, mean-faced, buzz cut, striped shirt, the whole nine yards) comes out of his house. He starts chasing the ice cream truck up the hill, he can’t run very fast and the ice cream truck outdistances him. He walked back to his house with the most dejected shuffle I’ve ever seen.
25. Face the Way Out
At my workplace, we have two glass “in” doors and two glass “out” doors. On a daily basis, I will get some jerk angrily complaining about this or that, storm away from the counter and slam face first into the clearly marked, one-way opening “in” doors. And I love it.
24. Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But DUIs Will Break Yours
I went to middle school with a jerk kid who teased me and ragged on me all the time. Total prick. I went through the whole routine of trying to be nice, trying to fit in, trying to stand up to him, telling on him, pretty much the whole thing. Nothing worked, the guy was just a dick.
Junior year of high school, he and one of his jerk friends were driving his brand-new Camaro late one night. They were drunk and high, driving 70mph+ in a 35mph area when they hit a tree. The prick put himself in a coma and gave his friend a few broken bones and had to finish the school year in a wheelchair.
I don’t like to wish those kinds of injury on anyone, but if it had to happen to someone, I’m glad it happened to someone who deserved it.
23. Not Iron Fist
In college, I lived in a six-bedroom house with a bunch of guys. I was gone for the summer and some of my roommates’ friends had problems with me. They thought it would be hilarious to punch a hole in my wall and make me pay the security deposit.
One of the dudes broke his hand on the wall and my roommates made them fix the hole because they knew it was a trashy thing to do.
22. Not Sharing the Love
Manager was engaged to a girl at the company and was boinking a girl on my team as well. Girl didn’t like her review, so his sex buddy tried to get me to sign the change. I would not.
He then put me on night shifts only while my wife was pregnant—as well as having a three-year-old running around.
Fast forward ten years, and my wife overhears a familiar voice going in for an interview in the office next door to her. Yep, it was him.
After he left, my wife had a conversation with the person doing the interview…he was blacklisted.
When my wife told me the story “I had an interesting day…” I couldn’t stop smiling for a month.
21. The Cost of Caring
My inept boss put everyone in the office through major drama in preparation for his overseas trip. He had the IT department bending over backward to get him new tech so he could do work via Wi-Fi in his hotel.
While on the trip, he has been complaining non-stop that he couldn’t connect to the hotel Wi-Fi (which hasn’t been a problem for anyone else on the same trip). He has been emailing and micromanaging via his laptop tethered to his phone.
Well, it seems he forgot to ask for international data roaming on his phone. I just found out that in one week he racked up $4,000 in data charges.
This might explain why I’ve not received any email from him in days.
20. That Cleansing Burn
During a conversation with a client, my boss mistook our coffee thermos for the hand sanitizer and burned the ever-living heck out of his hands.
19. Play Ball
Someone who worked under me decided to quit in a big dramatic way, writing me a three-page letter about how I’m the reason nothing is working, that I’m the worst person in the world, etc. etc. blah blah.
He was literally the laziest person in the world and the entire letter was completely BS.
A few months later, he has an internship with a baseball team: his job is to stand on the pitcher’s mound before the game while the crowd throws balls into a bucket on his head.
18. What Goes Around Comes Around…Eventually
My ex-wife had cheated on me in 1998 just a little over a year after we married. I stayed with her, we had a daughter in 2000, then in 2007 after she graduated with her master’s degree and secured a job, she kicked me out of the house because she “found someone better” while in school.
I kept my cool, was the bigger person as an example to my daughter.
My ex got re-married in March 2010. The guy she married has been cheating on her with three other women and she is in the process of divorcing him. I have been a shoulder for her and just listening to her talk about it until she said this the other day, “There is no excuse for anyone to cheat in a marriage. Absolutely no reason!” I calmly looked at her and said, “You know all this pain and hurt he has caused you? This is what you put me through… twice. Be thankful he can’t take your child from you.”
She just stared at me as it sunk in and I felt like it was all worth it as she realized this was her just due.
17. I’m Taking You All Down With Me
I once had a boss who was an uber-douche. He was several rungs up the ladder and was basically a waste of space and money. When the company was going through a “reorganization,” he realized his position would be seen as pointless and made sure to get on the committee that analyzed the ladder.
He arranged to have the guy below him who worked his butt off fired and he then “took” on those responsibilities, minus being productive in any way. He then proceeded to have investigations into the staff to find out who was loyal to the boss that was laid off. This resulted in many of us being written up for talking to each other about how the fired boss was now doing great at his new job.
I eventually quit after realizing that I couldn’t win against this guy. He has already gotten rid of two or three other people by finding BS excuses to “discipline” them. After I left, he proceeded to get rid of all of the productive employees. Several years go by and I get a call from my mother. That company lost their biggest contract and has gone under. The douche boss was the sole cause of the whole place going under. I love this story!!!!
16. On a Roll
As so frequently happens in the great, white, snowy north, there are few things as satisfying as seeing some jerkface fly by you on a slippery, slushy road and then seeing them in the ditch a few miles later.
15. Teach Yourself
I had two students once write on their TA evaluation of me that I was the “worst TA ever,” that they were majors in the subject and were “highly concerned if this was the quality of education the department provides,” and one was “considering transferring.” Basically, they tried to get me in trouble/ fired, not knowing I’m the only one who sees them.
A few terms later, I was teaching a class they were in (not as their TA), and I had the pleasure of watching them fail. One of them had my lab mate for a TA, and I got to hear her complain about how stuck up she was, considering her “stupidity” (lab mate isn’t as nice as I am). I took way too much pleasure in grading their exams.
14. A Cinderella Epilogue
I spent most of my teen years being tormented by my ex-stepmother and her daughter. She was always seen by my then-stepmother as the angel; the perfect daughter, despite the stuff she did. She tried to frame my dad for pedophilia, would take and sell drugs out of our house, tried to stab me with a knife because she’d been grounded and wasn’t allowed out, would kick up a MASSIVE storm if she wasn’t allowed something, etc..
Needless to say, I was treated as scum of the earth by her mother.
I lived in basically a closet with a window for seven years. My father and mother had to sneakily buy me gifts for things like exam results (mother bought me my first decent laptop for my GCSEs; stepmother insulted my intelligence and called me a spoiled brat). I was constantly treated like I was the troublemaker who’d avoided bail three times. Not saying I was neglected, I had a more comfortable life than some kids out there. But it was still pretty crummy.
Recently I’ve made something of my life, at university and actually achieving the grades I always dreamed of. Dad’s kicked my stepmother out and she’s been begging for him to take her back (to no avail, HA), and my stepsister managed to get herself pregnant (not by accident, through ignorance) and has narrowly avoided jail time. I cannot help but smile whenever I think about it.
13. Summary of Un-Qualification
When I was out of work for a long time, I interviewed at this tech firm to do sales for them. The Marketing Director came from sales and was the typical “I can sell ice to an Eskimo” kind of salesperson. Very Type A, my way is the only way.
The product was the same as many other products and having a technical background, I knew that if we sold the way he was describing, we would get a few non-technical people to buy, but big contracts were not going to happen. I have a degree in Marketing and Computer Science.
I expressed my concern about this. Well, he goes off on me. I try to gracefully leave, and he starts yelling at me as I’m walking out and all the way out the building.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago when I bring a guy in for an interview to work as one of my reps. The office manager brings him in and I look up from the desk. It’s him. He doesn’t remember me, but it stuck in my memory so strong because nothing like that had ever happened to me before or since.
Being the bigger person, I just do the interview, and was going to be fair and not make anything of it. Finally, I give in.
I say, “I’ve met you before. Do you remember me?”
Me: “I interviewed with you a few years back, you were very rude to me. You yelled some of the most awful vitriol at me I have ever heard. At this time, I’m not going to hold it against you. But I do have significant concerns that you will not be able to hold your temper in difficult situations with our clients. If you want to be at all considered for this job, you better allay those concerns and impress me.”
He looks very confused you can see him reliving his past, then the look of enlightenment hits him. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Not so much the revenge, but the realization that when you put bad into the world, it can come back to bite you.
He said some things to try to save the interview and apologized. I accepted his apology graciously.
But the discomfort was clear for him.
The reality of it is if he was actually qualified for the position, I probably would have still hired him, but he had no experience in relational sales. He was a hard sales kind of guy and that gets you a reputation and nowhere in the healthcare industry.
12. File Under Regrets
Condescending coworker decided he had no chance for advancement in his current company (small business, our boss was the owner). Gave his two weeks notice, bailed out after the first week and screwed over our awesome boss. I had to go looking through his email archive for a client email shortly after and found out all my emails to him were stored in a folder named “derp.”
Meanwhile, we just got acquired by an amazing company. It’s the kind of company you dream about working for, with the best projects and richest clients. I had actually driven by it once thinking, “This is the kind of place I want to work at some day.”
He’s now freelancing for one of our clients whom he hated and would badmouth behind his back and feeling a bit remorseful for jumping ship.
Who’s derping now?!
11. Mother of All Revenge
My friend’s abusive mother detests me. One day, said friend ran away from home; she came to my house to hole-up. Note that we were at my house alone and that I was 16 at the time. The mother shows up on my porch the next morning, harassing me and essentially scaring the snot out of both of us. She proceeds to call the police on me for “housing and assisting a run-away.”
After about three stress-filled hours of being harassed and then talking to the police, my friend snaps and starts going off about all the things her mother did to her. The police took her mother and my friend away to discuss it in the office.
The officer talking to me liked me and gave me his personal number in case I or my friends get in trouble. The mother went to jail for a few days and had the potential for five years (but my friend is forgiving and didn’t press charges). The woman hasn’t seen her daughter since, and my friend is now in the custody of her aunt and uncle who are awesome.
10. When the Playlist Shuffles Too Hard
I was on the treadmill at the gym. This girl was next to me texting over and over. Every time she would receive a text, her phone would blast this terrible music; it was highly distracting. At some point she reaches for her phone to answer another text and fumbles it, it hits the treadmill track which rapidly accelerates her smartphone across the room. I could see the confusion in her face… should I get that or keep running like it didn’t happen…
I failed to keep my laughter to myself, and the thought of how I looked—trying to conceal my laughter—made me have a full-on, teary-eyed laughter fit.
9. Never Too Young to Be LOLed At
When you have kids, schadenfreude is a part of daily life. My four-year-old was shirtless and learning how to “snap” his shirt from his father… he kept doing it over and over until he got it right—which happened to be on the forehead of my two-year-old…
I quickly rescued the baby then scolded my four-year-old for hitting him. He then starts to wind up the shirt again, takes one big swing and generated enough force to snap himself right in the face… nice shiner for his troubles too!
8. You Haven’t Seen the Last of ME
Got laid off. Was chosen as the one to let go because I caused an investigation into unfair productivity reporting and got my manager in trouble. Four months later, got rehired at the same company in a different department making more than anyone in my old department. Feelsgoodman.
7. It’s Contagious
Times Square a few years ago. My buddy and I are liquored up crossing the street. An elderly man is coming in the opposite direction. He steps in a small pothole and just face plants. A ton of folks rush over to help him but being drunk, my buddy and I can’t help ourselves and bust a gut laughing.
A lady cop nearby turns and tries to scold us “I heard you boys laughing!!!” and then she loses it and starts cracking up too.
6. The Law Won
Was driving when another driver merged into my lane without yielding (ignoring the yield sign) and he almost clipped the front of my car. There was a cop right behind me who turned on his lights and flagged the guy down. My friends/I celebrated by yelling justice. It made my day.
5. Every Recession Has a Silver Lining
I had to deal with a guy from Lehman Brothers at work once. He was really rude to me and was in the wrong. I had to calmly and politely explain why he was incorrect, when he realized it he just snorted and hung up. Didn’t even think to apologize for being a rude jerk and yelling at me for 15 mins when he was entirely in the wrong.
Six weeks later, Lehman’s collapsed…
4. Instant Karma
Former co-worker stole an important freelance client from me (by underbidding me, after I had unofficially won the project). Not only that, actually brought a bottle of champagne into the office to celebrate in front of me.
She started the project. I had to scramble and find something else. The client turned out to be a jerk and fired her. I am still working on the other project I found, and it is MUCH better.
3. Sold out of Love
Wife was pilfering money from the marriage, to the tune of about $1,000 per month. It had gone on for a few years before I figured it out. (I thought she was saving the money, she was really stashing it in her dad’s accounts.) Not satisfied to simply stash away her own salary, she began to buy stuff on the joint charge card, then sell it on eBay. I paid the card.
I started the divorce without telling her. During this time, I took my name off the joint card without telling her and began using my own credit card. When the bills came in for that month, I informed her that I would not pay the credit card bills anymore, that she had her own job and her own money and she could pay her own bills. There was the expected ruckus about that, but I stuck to my guns.
A week or so later, she had a screaming foot stomping tantrum about how it wasn’t worth her time to work her eBay business. (Because she now had to actually buy her own inventory instead of just selling stuff I bought).
Yeah, I cracked a smile.
The story ends thusly: I later traded the stolen money—and my silence about the felonies she committed while transferring the money—for shared custody, zero payments to her, and zero claims on real estate, etc. She walked away with less than she’d have gotten if she was honest. I even got the house.
Our divorce was final four months ago.
2. A Serving of Superiority
When I was in high school, I dated a guy who repeatedly cheated on me with his ex. I found out after we’d broken up, and I told him off and broke off contact. A few years later, I’d finished college and started working at a publishing company where I often get free tickets to cultural events in town.
My boss gave me tickets to the opera and also tickets to the little VIP events where they serve free food and wine at intermission and after the show. The first time I’d seen the girl my ex cheated with was at the little VIP intermission gathering.
I was sitting there munching on hors d’oeuvres and sipping wine when I saw her. She was clearing tables with the catering crew. She made eye contact for one second and then immediately turned away and was obviously avoiding me for the rest of the night. It was perfect.
1. An Unconvincing Performance
When video stores were a thing that existed, I assistant-managed one under this real witch who, frankly, didn’t have any business managing anything more complicated than a curling iron.
One night, she convinced her thuggy husband to fake-rob her after closing. To make a long story short, they didn’t get away with it, and they both went to jail. THE END.